Magic is what you want it to be
by OverMaster
Summary: The actual sequel to Unequally Rational and Emotional. The original story was getting too long, and somehow it was less depressing to write a sequel than to wake one day realizing I had just written three million words of Negi. Chisame and Satomi living together. Which I love, but also would make me wonder 'What have you done with your life, man'
1. Lesson 1

_Mahora, the largest school that sits under the fabled World Tree. The academy of magic and wonders._

 _CLAMP Gakuen, the capital of games, competitions and willowy pretty boys. Where everything from Angelic Layers to card games, tank combat to miniature Gundam models, thumb wrestling to fanfic writing can be used as a means to prove superiority (it's right next door to Nerima, which explains a lot)._

 _Ohtori, the refined school for the top of the elite, where public corruption is strictly banned, there's five things to check off on the part of the application that says 'sex', and both subversive meetings for the perverse and bizarre duels for the future of mankind are held in secret under the perfume of the roses._

 _Honnouji, the school the others do not dare speak of, the Prison School, where survival of the fittest is the daily motto, where the children of the mafia families attend classes, where the reincarnated warriors from yesterday wage war against each other split into factions, and people keep leaving large red letters lying around._

 _What will become of these Rival Schools in the dawn of this new era?_

* * *

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

I don't own any of these characters and franchises and I make no money from them.

Thanks to Shadow Crystal Mage for proofreading this chapter.

What you need to know!

\- _The Keys of the Kingdom_ is not canon for this sequel. Consider them alternate paths branching out from the same basic story.

\- The _Twenty Five Other Times Negi Made a Pactio_ chapters out yet might be eventual canon for this. You'll know when/if we ever get there.

\- The first Unequally special (the Library Island-Dragon one), the Rito with see-through glasses one, the Fairy Tail mini chapter, and Yuuna and Skuld's Legend of Love Lingerie are all canon for this.

Nothing of the Method Acting chapter or the Arika chapter are canon for this.

On with the show, then!

* * *

 **Magic is what you want it to be**.

 **The Further Adventures of Unequally Rational and Emotional**.

* * *

 **Lesson One: Is This Thing Still Working?**

* * *

"I have something I need to tell you," Saotome Haruna said. She was well aware she was starting that conversation in what had to be one of the worst possible ways.

"Then please tell me, Haruna-chan," Yuuki Rito told softly her, smiling shyly at her under the bright twilight sun falling over the playgrounds, near the iconic emperor penguin slide. She had texted him to come there after classes earlier that day, and he had made his way through more than half the campus as quickly as he could. He had no idea why Haruna had chosen such a childish place for a date, but he figured it had something to do with a desire from intimacy away from their peers, including Lala.

He only hoped that 'intimacy' didn't have anything to do with sex just yet. He simply wasn't ready just yet, dammit! And doubly so, he hoped it wasn't a sign for intimacy in front of children. That would have been even worse and more awkward.

That was, he doubted it was because of **that** , but you never knew with Haruna-chan. She had weird fetishes and quirks. Then again, hadn't that been part and parcel of why he fell for her?

Haruna hemmed, hawed and looked down, uncharacteristically uncomfortable and even blushing. Rito blushed back, taken aback by how cute she looked when she acted like that, her glasses fogging up his sight of her lovely dark round eyes. Then again, the always-on-the-edge-paranoid part of him began hoping desperately she hadn't been the victim of one of Lala's weird personality changing inventions. That, too, tended to happen a lot when Lala was an acquaintance of yours.

"So, um," Rito looked around, scratching the back of his neck with a hand, "I wonder where are all the kids who normally hang around here…?"

"I shooed them away under threats of violence," Haruna candidly said before finally gathering enough courage to look up at his face. "Rito-kun!" she confessed. "I've been hiding this from you for too long! I've been a nasty, mean, horrible cheating girlfriend! Not because I kissed a boy and liked it, but because I should have told about you it as soon as it happened so we could share the delights of threesomes with a cute shota!"

"BWEH?!" Rito said.

* * *

"Rito-chan!" Haruna fell to a knee before him, extending her arms. "The truth about my membership in the English Research Society is, I kissed Negi-kun, who is a mage, and gained magical powers from him! But you're still my number one boyfriend, the one I want to take my virginity! In fact, if you want it, you can do it right now and check for yourself I'm still pure! I even brought condoms! Do it rough, too! Punish your cheating bitch! Ah! Do me hard and cruelly, Rito-chan, I deserve it so much!"

"BWEEEEEEEH?!" Rito said.

Then a figure leaped from the bushes. "Saotome-san!" Itoshiki Nozomu cried, hangman's noose still firmly tied around his throat, a few knives stuck in his back. "I'm in Despair! I didn't want to believe it, but Evangeline-san was right in her suspicions! Your willingness to betray Ala Alba's secrets has left me in Despair!"

Haruna quickly moved in between him and the frozen, baffled Rito, her arms spread. "Sensei, no! I had to do it! He's my boyfriend! I couldn't keep living a lie with him! Don't do it!"

"Alas, I have to!" the thin, hakama-clad teacher produced a wooden ruler out. "You know Evangeline-san won't admit any more members in her resort! And we all agreed we wouldn't let the secret to keep spreading lest we all end up as ermines!"

Haruna stood her ground and yelled back at the stunned orange-haired boy, "Rito-chan, run! I'll hold him off!"

"Dweeeeehhhhhh… I was netorare'd?" Rito weakly babbled, his tearful eyes spinning.

 _"Bure, bure bure bure…"_ Itoshiki grimly chanted while aiming his ruler over Haruna's shoulder and at Rito's head.

* * *

"Rito-chan!" Haruna fell to one knee before him. "Please forgive your poor, salacious, but also very hot and understanding girlfriend! For, behind your back, at Kyoto, I kissed our teacher Negi-kun in the mouth in a hotel before all my friends! And, um, when you put it like that I guess it sounds really bad, but I only did it in a fit of anger and to show Yue off! Of course, then I learned Negi-kun was a mage so I just had to stick around him, but I swear I haven't kissed him since!"

 **"SAY WHAT?!"** Rito shouted.

"You're the man I love… the most!" she grandly sobbed. "Please do whatever you want to my voluptuous and buxom body to punish me, but don't leave me! Without you, I don't know what I'd do! No other man would ever take me, they're all too beta!"

Rito, from pale lividness, quickly went into Hot Blooded Shounen rage, tightening a fist. **"I'LL MOIDER THE CHIBI BUM!"** he promised.

"Oh, Rito-chan, please no!" Haruna begged. "That's not like you! Why are you reacting like that? You didn't do it the first time! And where the hell did that accent come from? An abridged card game series?"

He blinked, momentarily pulled from his white hot fury by such a strange thing to say. "Eh? What do you mean by that?"

Then a small red-haired boy in a nice green suit with dark tie jumped out of the bushes, a wooden staff at the ready. "Saotome-san! What happened to Itoshiki-sensei? And what have just told—"

 **"YOU!"** Rito spat steam at him, his muscles tensing. Meager as they were.

"Negi-kun, wait!" Haruna asked. "You too, Rito! We can talk this over! I'm sure we can reach a peaceful—"

 **"MMMMNNGHH GRROARRRR!"** Rito said as he charged Negi, rather pathetically.

The boy aimed at him with the bandaged staff. _"Ras Tel Mas Scir Magister!"_

* * *

Haruna fell to one knee before him. "Please forgive me, Rito-chan! I was weak and succumbed to the temptations of the flesh! I did something I never should have done… without telling you first! I have been a naughty, bad girl, Rito-chan, and I… I… well, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I should have known you would—!"

"Oi, oi, Haruna-chan!" he told her. "Give yourself a break! I'm sure you couldn't have done anything too bad! Don't start blowing things outta proportion now…!"

She sniffed. "W-Well, I haven't blown anything OR anyone yet, but still… Look, I kissed Negi-kun in the mouth, but not because I love him or anything, well, maybe just a bit, but nowhere as much as I love you! But please take this easy because he's a mage and otherwise he'll erase your memory… again!"

"… what did you just say?!" Rito gasped, his jaw dislodging.

Skuld jumped out of the bushes with a massive futuristic rifle in her hands. "Oh, for Father's sake, Haruna-san! You lovesick wench, selling us out like this! Now you've forced me to use this!"

"… ah?" Rito said.

"Oh, fuck no, this is going too far!" Haruna growled, cutting loose with a devastating spinning kick at Skuld's midsection.

"Wait, no, this only erases memories, much like—UUUHHHHHH!" Skuld cried as she was kicked in the stomach, then doubled unto herself on the ground, twitching before falling unconscious.

"… you just killed her?" a flabbergasted Rito asked.

Haruna sighed and looked up or a moment. There was a beat. "Lightning bolts from above hasn't fried me yet, so I should hope not… though technically I there's I chance she might be a Fallen now or something, and if I remember my American comics right, Heaven is pretty okay with you killing those… "

* * *

Evangeline looked at the huge pile of unconscious Ala Alba members by the playground. Then she stared blankly at Haruna and nodded. "Okay, fine, you win then. If this is the kind of power boost your laughable 'power of love' gives you, then I can respect that enough to allow you to bring your boytoy in…"

"Oh, thank you very much, dear and great Eva-sama!" Haruna fell to one knee before her, and began planting lots of kisses on her hands.

"The feet, Saotome! The feet! If you're going to be a shameless suck-up, then at least do it right!" Evangeline growled in disgust before looking at the passively standing Rito. "You're taking all these news remarkably well, all things considered."

The boy spoke in a slow, stilted, almost lifeless intonation, "Somehow, it's just the same as reliving a recurring nightmare…" There was a pause. "Wow, she's really going to town on your feet, isn't she. Okay, I guess we can confirm she's cool with feet stuff… uh, are you okay? Why are your legs shaking and what's that liquid suddenly running down your legs…?"

* * *

"... okay, I remember allowing this gnat in, although in my defense I think I was drunk at the time. It's all a weird blur from whatever weird thing Saotome did to my feet that made me black out in pleasure," Evangeline, arms folded, said as she studied the smiling pink haired buxom girl with a tail that stood before her at the resort's main entrance, with Rito awkwardly standing a short way behind. "But you? I don't remember ever saying they could bring you in..."

"I'm Lala, Rito's fiancee! And Yue's too!" Lala happily raised a hand. "You must be Chachamaru, right!"

Eva glared coldly at Haruna. "I guess her being legally retarded would make it difficult for anyone to believe her, but..."

"It's okay, it's okay!" Lala waved a hand. "I have a shocking, troubling, highly volatile secret that is still blatantly obvious of my own, so we're even! You'll see, I'm... a space alien! Well, you are the aliens, but let's not split hairs. I'm not from this planet!"

"Oh, you sure ain't," Eva deadpanned.

"She's for real, Eva-chan..." Haruna said.

"So she isn't a wacko cosplayer pretending to be an alien?" Misa asked. "Because even Suzumiya-sempai wasn't falling for that one..."

"Wacko... cosplayer... because cosplayers have to be weirdos... of course..." Chisame muttered to herself, her shadowed face low, speaking weakly enough so only herself and Matoi (standing a foot behind her) could hear her.

"That's bullshit!" Eva pointed at Lala. "If aliens existed, I'd have met one during my lifetime! And I never did, and I've met every form of supernatural or abnormal species that ever existed!"

"Isn't Superman-sama an alien?" Sakurako wondered.

"Everyone knows he's a super soldier created by the US government, Saku-chan..." Misa waved a finger.

"But, Twilight-neesama said—" Asuna began.

"But I'm from outer space!" Lala insisted. "I'm the firstborn Princess of the Deviluke Empire!"

Evangeline rolled her eyes. "Oh, of course! Because you couldn't be just any run of the mill alien, you have to be a princess on top of everything! Next you'll be telling me Boya is a prince too!"

Itoshiki awkwardly shifted around on his sandaled feet.

"Sku-chan?" Makie turned to her Magistra.

Skuld took off the hand that had been covering her own face. "Evangeline-san," she said. "Have you ever stopped to think the field that surrounds the school making everyone prone to disapprove the existence of creatures beyond their circle of experiences might have afflicted you as well, since the Thousand Master's—"

"Of course not, because that's ridiculous!" Eva snapped.

"Are you taking into account that is a goddess, asking you to take the existence of aliens seriously?" Yuuna asked.

"She should know, since she's nothing but a Sufficiently Advanced Alien herself..." Satomi mumbled. She and Skuld then briefly poked their tongues out at each other.

"Oh dear..." Lala took a hand to her own mouth. "How could I prove my extraterrestrial nature to you, then...?"

"You have a freaking tail coming out of your butt!" Chisame yelled, pointing at the moving appendage behind Lala.

"So do the ermine, the mutt boy, and Miyazaki's flying puppet, and guess what? They all can be explained away by perfectly rational magical reasons!" Evangeline told her.

"How about arm wrestling?" Haruna asked.

The rest of Ala Alba, as well as Rito and Lala, turned to look at her. "I-I beg your pardon?" Ai stammered. "Sorry, but surely I misheard you when I heard you were perhaps suggesting Lala-sempai should armwrestle with Evangeline-sama herself...?"

* * *

"... I think I need a cigarette," a mildly dazed Eva said as she rotated her arm, both her and Lala now standing above a gigantic crater on the ground. "That's two non-vaginal orgasms in one day. Wow, I really miss getting laid for real again… "

"That was a lot of fun!" Lala chirped brightly. "So, um, which one of us won anyway?"

Negi picked himself up from where and the others had been blown away by the last moment of the epic struggle. "I... I think you'll need to do it again, since I missed the last instant of—"

"NO, NO, JUST NO!" Rito, Chisame, Chamo, Asuna, Setsuna, Satomi, Misora, Misa, Sakurako, Haruka, Haruna, Itoshiki, Skuld, Keiichi, Yuuna and even Ayaka screamed at him at once from several points of the dust cloud-covered landscape.

"You can hang around," Eva nodded, "but you still aren't an alien, you know."

"Of course not, you're the aliens, but—"

"THAT'S NOT RIGHT EITHER, BUT JUST FORGET IT, OKAY?!"

* * *

"So," Misa said, "then you _are_ the princess of an intergalactic empire controlling hundreds of planets?"

"Yep!" Lala nodded.

"You're also willing to marry multiple partners of either gender, have your own squads of devoted soldiers, are a multi-disciplinary genius, and are incredibly hot to boot," Misa continued.

"A-yep!" Lala said, all honesty.

"And yet all it takes to get engaged with you is to pull on your tail..."

"Yeah, that's basically the gist of it!" Lala confirmed.

Misa quickly reached over for her tail. Even more quickly, Lala pulled it up and away from her.

Lala wagged a finger. "It doesn't work like that, I'm sorry..."

"But...!"

"Rito and Yue did it without any greed in their hearts. They weren't into it for my money, power, influence, genius, incredible hotness or humility!" Lala said.

"They did it BY ACCIDENT, though!" Misa protested.

"Ahhhhh, that's beside the point..."

"And Haruna's like fifteen times greedier than me!" Misa complained, pointing at her grinning classmate, who had snuck up on the alleged alien and was now tugging repeatedly on Lala's tail from behind, making her moan and cross her legs intensely.

The white brooch with swirly eyes on Lala's hair actually sweatdropped. "Kakizaki-sama, please, just stop trying to figure it out, will you? The folly of trying to prove Lala-sama wrong is only surpassed by that of trying to make sense of her fiances' actions..."

"Holy shit, now the brooch is talking too! You heard it as well, didn't you, Chisame-chan?" Misa quickly backed away. Chisame's head bashing against a wall could be heard steadily from not too far away.

Peke just sighed. She thought longingly of going online later so she could rant at Senketsu-kun and Symbiote-chan on their online forum…

* * *

A shriek of terror reverberated through the cool air of the early morning, and Yuuki Rito woke up. For a moment, even he thought he had been the one to scream. It made sense, since Lala was, as usual, sleeping on top of him, her nude body separated from his pajama-clad version only by the not-all-that-thick blanket between them...

 _Down, Boner-kun_ , Rito mentally commanded with the practiced efficiency of a Zen master before sitting up carefully, making the yawning Lala back away from his futon, rubbing her eyes. He readied the morning's chiding speech, since he already had gone through the requisite morning scream and boner chastising, and—

Then he noticed he was in the same bedroom he had been sharing with Negi-sensei, Despair-sensei and Morisato-sempai last night, and that all three of them were bundled together into a corner, staring at them in wide-eyed shock, a long trail of bedcovers and sheets between them and their own futons. Negi-sensei's talking ermine was shortly away, twitching on the floor, his legs randomly scratching against a pool of his own nose blood.

Rito wondered if that was how Mikan felt all the time.

* * *

"So you're sexually active now?" Misa asked over the breakfast table. "Man, I really sold you short, Sempai."

"We're not!" Rito protested.

Sakurako looked at Haruna. "And doesn't that bother you? I mean, not in a sense of jealousy, since you've got designs on both, but aren't you feeling left out?"

"They aren't doing that yet," and one of Haruna's eyebrows quivered twice. "How many times do I have to tell you, I'd have been invited already if they were? Right, Lala-chan?"

"Right!" Lala nodded rapidly, licking a few crumbs of cereal off her lips. The milk around them gave an added effect that made Itoshiki and Keiichi visibly uncomfortable.

"I dearly hope you are using protection, Saotome-san," Ayaka very seriously stated. "I'm stretching the rules enough as it is by allowing this to slide without a call to the Principal, and only because I'm not sure yet whether the laws of a foreign, well, alien government take precedence over those of Mahora when one of their own is involved..."

"Well, they sure shouldn't!" a furious Haruka snarled.

"We aren't using protection because—!" Rito said before descending into sobs. "Oh, oh, why do I bother...!"

"Ooooo, Sempai likes living dangerously," Yuuna mercilessly teased. "What a bad boy...!"

"Can I take these off already? I really want to hear an explanation about why I have to—" Negi asked Chisame, pointing at the earphones completely attached to his head by a variety of means including liberal usage of wrapping tape.

"Not until breakfast's over!" Chisame said while gesturing to him to that effect.

* * *

"Well, what about that Gah Lak Tus thing that showed up over America five years ago?" Asuna argued as the girls sat on the sand, all lined up, and Negi whistled through the air and past them. She was finding this conversation to be a pleasant enough distraction from Ayaka's distressed sobbing and pleas to stop the fight.

"What about it?" Makie asked back.

"Well," Asuna said. "That was an alien, wasn't it? I mean, what else could it be? A huge-ass thing appears in the sky and says it's going to eat Earth, it's not like it could come from anywhere but outer space! So it had to be an alien!"

"Actually, I heard it was a creature made from a supergenius superhero turned supervillain to try and force all countries to work together and prevent World War III from ever taking place, or something like that," Yuuna said.

Negi worked back up to his feet, wiped the blood off his mouth with the back of a hand, and smiled at Lala, who floated at the other end of the arena, suspended by the wings on her poofy hat.

"You didn't lose any teeth, did you, Sensei?!" Ayaka cried.

Negi blinked, put a finger into his mouth, counted his teeth one by one while feeling them, and smiled at her. "They're all okay, Iinchou-san!"

"Thank Heavens!" Ayaka sighed, then looked at Konoka. "You **can** fix broken teeth, can't you?"

Konoka sweatdropped. "If they're sent flying off, no, of course I can't make them grow back. Now," she rubbed her chin thoughtfully, "attaching them back? Hmmmm, I haven't ever tried that... It might be interesting...?"

Ayaka grimaced. "Please forget I said anything."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," Asuna was saying. "Why is that so much harder to accept than an alien?"

"Maybe it was a creature that rose from the depths of the ocean, like Gojira-sama?" Sora wondered, making the sign of the kaiju with one hand in reflexive warding of a giant monster attack.

"Then why not consume Earth from down below instead of announcing it so the superheroes could kick its ass, huh?" Chisame grumbled.

"That's a good point, actually," Makie nodded before looking at Skuld. "Sku-chan, tell us, was that an alien or not?"

"Why must you always resort to her as if she's some sort of supplier of universal truths?" Satomi grumbled. "That's demeaning to us human beings! We should sort the truths of the universe on our own!"

"It was an alien, if you are willing to count an entity who actually came from the universe that existed before the Big Bang and just happened to travel through the galaxies of our own universe afterwards as an 'alien'," Skuld shrugged. "But I think that's oversimplifying things."

"See? I told you! It was an alien! I think..." Asuna said.

Satomi put a hand on her own face. "Oh please! The very notion of an universe existing before the Big Bang, which by its definition is the start of existence itself, is laughable! If there was existence before existence, then it wasn't a Big Bang!"

"It was another type of existence!" Skuld argued.

"Oh, yes? And how would you happen to be so sure about that? Is your alleged race of 'divine beings' rooted in that time period, as well? Oh, wait, it couldn't be, because there were no time periods before the Big Bang! There was no time, period!" Hakase taunted.

"Satomi-chan, please, you are embarrassing me and our daughter," Sakurako said.

Chachamaru's eyelids moved up and down, although it was not quite a blink in the human sense of the word. Having two mothers was complicated enough on its own, now she was supposed to have three...?

Negi violently land at her feet then, snapping her out of that vexed pondering. "Negi-sensei!" she said, initiating an immediate medical scan even as he stood up groggily. "Perhaps you should stop the training session for the day..."

Lala nodded as she softly landed on her feet not too far. She had a few slight bruises on her, but she was not looking any actual worse for wear. Amazingly, considering Lala and Negi had been involved in the fight, she displayed no major clothing damage either, just a few ragged edges that made Peke slightly squirm in mild pain. "She's right, Sensei. Maybe you have started setting too high a target for yourself? I always could call on Zastin to help you while you find your footing..."

"I... FIGHT... ON!" Negi protested, readying a fist and charging Lala again before falling on his face, snoring weakly. "Daddy...!" he whimpered in sudden dreams.

Haruna pulled back the hand that had just pinched his neck from behind. Then she tilted her head back to the other Ministra. "My pleasure. Well, not really, but I'll accept your thanks anyway."

Haruna suddenly felt a hand coming down hard on her shoulder, spinning her around. She suddenly found herself looking at Chisame's eyes from way too close a vantage point, so close she could hear Tsunetsuki growling from a foot away. Chisame's eyes bored into her with an intensity that would have fit in very well back home.

"Teach me how to do that to him," Chisame said, sounding very creepy. " _Now._ "

"Who is this 'Zastin' you mentioned anyway, Sempai?" asked Misa.

* * *

 _Long after bedtime for everybody else:_

Under the pale light of the false moon in the resort's sky, Lala calmly blocked Negi's barrage of blows alternating with her legs and arms, carefully studying his motions all the while.

"That's a style I'm not used to," she said, although the ease she had been displaying would have said otherwise. "Is it a martial art native to Earth?"

"Kenpo," Negi said, clenching his teeth while trying to land a solid hit on her. Compared to his test fight with Chachamaru, Lala moved a bit more smoothly but putting less power in her attack and defense. Then again, he was mostly sure she really wasn't trying hard, which was oddly frustrating. On the other hand, since his very chance for continued study under Evangeline were not under any immediate risk here, he suspected he subconsciously wasn't trying as hard as he did back then, either. "Ku Fei-san taught me the basics of it."

Those thoughts frustrated Negi even more, so he pushed himself even harder to press on the attack, only to find, to his confusion, Lala was blocking him with greater ease now. She smiled gently at him. "You're losing focus. You should keep a clear mind while fighting. At least while you don't have anything to prove just yet!"

He stepped back a bit, regaining some breath. "Every fight means something to prove, on one level or another."

"Really?" she stretched up, her tail curving. "Well, for a warrior, yes, I suppose. But I was under the impression you were more of a scholar than a warrior."

"I... I have to be both until I find my father," he confessed, studying her apparently careless current pose for any opening to exploit.

"And after you do that?" she asked him.

"I'm not sure yet. I guess it'll depend on what he wants for me."

"Ah," she said. "And what if he leaves it up on what do _you_ want for yourself?"

Negi made a long silence before just rushing at her with a side axe-kick that she had to sidestep at the last moment. "Ah! Good one!"

"I don't know," Negi bounced back a bit, holding his own defense, waiting for a retaliation that didn't come. Lala just kept smiling at him. "Do you really think that would happen? And could you please try somewhat harder? Ku-san wouldn't go that easy on me..."

"Okay!" Lala chirped, and then, before he knew what was happening, she had playfully slapped him on a side of his head and slammed him against a nearby wall. "As for your other question... well, my dad left it up to me, why wouldn't yours? I mean, yeah, he'd go through the motions of trying to set all those arranged marriages for me, but once I rejected each one, he wouldn't keep trying with the same guys, and I imagine he's okay with Rito and Yue. Otherwise he'd have blown Earth up by now the way he did Eltar. I wonder if he's really aware yet we're a serious item, though. Perhaps I should pay him a call..."

"You really mean—" Negi gurgled, picking himself back up with no small effort. "Uhhhh, never mind." Since he was sure that was a field of discussion he was not ready to tackle at the moment. Instead, he asked, "How are you so good at fighting? Are **you** a warrior, then?"

"Nope, I don't like fighting at all!" she answered, helping him back up. Negi found that mildly annoying as well. Ku and Evangeline wouldn't act like that in the middle of a spar, even though Ku would do it after she was done cleaning his clock. Still, he had to be thankful, so he bowed politely at her. "But we're expected to take good care of ourselves, and we have to display at least some battle competence as heiresses for the Emperor, so..." she shrugged carelessly.

Negi breathed out, impressed, as he regarded how matter-of-factly did she take everything.

"I'm not sure, however," she added, "I should be teaching you anything until you finish your training with Haruna's roommate. You shouldn't start learning a new fighting style until you have mastered the one you had been using beforehand."

"It's okay, I can multitask," he said, rotating his right arm back into place and retaking a battle stance. "And besides... I don't really want to keep pulling any more of my students into this. Ku-san gave me a good starting point, but if I have to draw her into my quest to master her Kenpo... perhaps I should start looking elsewhere for my fighting style."

"Hmmmmm," Lala pondered slowly. And then, "You are a bit stupid for such a smart guy, aren't you, Negi-sensei?"

"Yeah, I hear that a— Eeeeehhh? Why'd you say that?!" Negi protested.

Lala sighed and shook her head sadly. He was so dense! Not like Rito at all, who was so perceptive and sensitive. She didn't really get the appeal.

 _Somewhere, a statistically nigh non-existent number of lesbians and bisexuals in Mahora and other universes sneezed. You thought we were done with the sneeze gag, huh? Well, guess what!_

Then she casually swatted him away again.

* * *

"Uwaaaa, it's pouring now..." Lala said as she and the others stepped out on the porch of the cabin, looking at the darkened skies that unleashed a thick rain over Mahora. "But, maybe I have something here that might help...?" she hummed, beginning to reach into her cleavage.

"No! For the love of God, no!" Rito said, grabbing her wrist and pulling it away from her chest.

"Yuuki-san!" Negi frowned. "That's no way to treat a lady!"

"Sensei, you have no idea what might happen if Lala tries one of her inventions here!" the other boy argued.

"Like what?" asked Misa.

"She could get all of us NAKED!" Rito said.

A long silence where everyone else but Lala stared at a sheepish Negi ensued.

"You don't say," Asuna finally said, voice flat. "Oboy, it'll be _just great_ to have _another one_ around!"

"Ha ha ha ha!" Eva laughed with her fists on her hips. "Welcome to the gray and miserable outside world, where I don't hold control over the elements and you'll have to walk under the cold, freezing rain because you didn't have the foresight to bring umbrellas, while I sit down inside comfortable drinking cocoa and playing my X-Box! Sucks to be you, doesn't it?"

"Um, you're aware I can draw umbrellas for all of us, right?" Haruna asked.

"That won't be necessary, Saotome-san," Chachamaru softly said while starting to distribute umbrellas between everyone, receiving grateful nods from Negi, Makie and most others. "We happened to have these lying around, so you're welcome to use them..."

"GAH! What are you doing, idiot, that's MY expensive fine collection!" Evangeline cried. "Damn it, that one just came from Gotham! It was custom made!"

"Oh, don't worry, we'll bring them back tomorrow," Asuna said, opening the pink, frilly umbrella given to her. "Like I'd want to be seen with this for any long..."

"Well, if you don't like it, just don't take it with you at all!" the vampire snapped.

"I don't have to carry one," Itoshiki gently tried to refuse the one Chachamaru had just handed him. "I'm sure I can walk all the way home without dying from pneumonia or drowning myself into a river, honestly..."

Chachamaru just firmly pushed the umbrella further into his hands until he opened it with a resigned sigh. "And please remember," she told him, "now you have to live until tomorrow, since you have to give it back by then. That's your duty as a gentleman..."

"Why do you keep giving me things to return every day, Karakuri-san?!" the man lamented. "I am in Despair! Good intentions that pave the road to personal hell drive me to Despair!"

 _Your father wanted you to survive your birth, so he placed an immortality curse on you_.

 _Akamatsu wanted to give you more Negima, so he gave you UQ Holder_.

 _Hugo Chavez, el Presidente del pueblo_.

 _In this movie sequel, we'll put the double of what audiences liked in the first film!_

 _I want my children to grow safe and happy, so I'll hide all decadent family secrets from them!_

 _I want to create a great epic, so I'll procrastinate like hell outlining the plot and 'doing research'._

 _You want to make your universe easy to understand, so you write Flashpoint._

 _Comics writers want to create more diversity in their characters, so they take a well-loved existing character and either kill them to replace them with an ethnic stereotype or just make them black._

 _A company wants to make a Space Moses movie, so that means Brandon Routh can't play Space Moses on TV, so he's a nerdy rip-off of Robert Downey Jr._

Makie blinked, looking up at the rather long list that had just appeared over their heads as the lanky teacher sobbed quietly to himself. "How did you do that...?"

"Don't ask and just start moving," Matoi advised as she followed Chisame, Negi and the others away from the cabin, heading towards the dormitories.

"Fu," Evangeline said once they were far enough. "You know, if they mess with any of my umbrellas, you're paying double for them."

"I'm well aware, Master," Chachamaru stoically said.

Then the blonde took a sharp stare into the depths of the night. "Hmmm?"

"What is it, Master?"

After a moment of doubt, she shook her head. "Nothing. I thought I had felt something... but no, it couldn't be. Not here, certainly..."

"You can't feel anything supernatural when you are just a normal human anyway."

"Oh, just shut that metal trap of yours already!"

* * *

"Is this the place?" a small voice whispered in the darkness.

"Mother said this was the place," a second tiny voice confirmed, as it moved through the wetness.

"It's a pretty place," a third diminutive voice sighed, as something very little and liquid rose from the puddles all over the main female dorm building's front yard, manifesting two very round eyes that stared at the mass of the building, almost longingly.

"Is she in there?" the first voice asked.

"She should. I mean, it's past the curfew now, isn't it?" the second voice replied. "Who checked the schedule, again?"

"I did," said the first, "but you know kids these days, always breaking the rules just because they can! And this one's supposed to be a troublemaker, right?"

"Not a troublemaker, just an idiot..." the third living water thingy said.

"Heh heh, you talk like an old lady!"

"I do not!" protested the one who had checked the schedule.

"You do, all the time! You just did! You've just done it again! You sound like Arai Satomi in sci-fi show about lesbians! And 'kids these days'? How old are you, again?"

"I was born one full minute after you, bitch!"

"Girls, girls, please..." the third one groaned softly. "Mother and the Master will be upset if we botch this up, remember?"

"Right," the first one said, "but we shouldn't move in if she's not there."

"Well, you said it's time for her to be in, so she should be in, dammit!" the second one snapped. "What do you want us to do, to stay here all night long until we see her walking in? If she's already in, we'll have just wasted the whole night!"

"I never said we should do that, but—"

Then they saw a rather large group of girls, along a short boy in a nice suit, walking in, several feet away from them, chattering amongst themselves while under a collection of colorful, obviously pricey umbrellas that shouldn't really have been used for what umbrellas are supposed to be for.

 **She** was one of those girls.

After the front doors closed behind them, one of the small liquid creatures turned to the others. "What were you just saying about the curfew and the schedule?"

"Oh, just shut up and let's move it already."

* * *

While white petals flew all around them, Miyazaki Nodoka pulled herself free from the grasp of the gently smiling woman with curls who had invited her to dance with her, and placed the Clow Staff against her forehead.

"Return to your original form! Clow Card!" Nodoka shouted. Still smiling, the woman was pulled back into a small card form, which floated down into Nodoka's waiting hand.

"The Flower," Nodoka read aloud from it.

"Well, what else could have it been?" Yue walked closer, brushing petals off herself and turning her phone camera off. "You okay, Nodoka?"

"Of course she's okay! She did a great job!" Kerberos flew around his protégé's head. "You caught The Flower in a record time, Nodoka!"

"Thanks," the shy girl smiled while writing her own name on the back of the card. "So, Kero-san, what does this card do?"

"It creates flowers and flower petals out of nowhere," Kero said.

"And what else?" Yue asked.

"That's it," said the plush lion.

"Seriously?" Nodoka sounded disappointed.

"That isn't going to be of much help in fights," Yue observed.

"Well, not all of them can be powerhouses," Kero shrugged. "Master Clow didn't create them to be artifacts of war. This he used to cheat at flower shows."

They left the deserted shooting range behind, glad to leave before anyone could see them, or any damage had been done to the place. Nodoka opened the umbrella she had brought along, Yue did the same with hers, and they started their way back towards the dorms at a sedate pace since the rain was not that strong yet.

They were in no special hurry. While it was past curfew time by now, the Headmaster had given them special emergency passes so they could perform their emergency Card capture duties without being apprehended and punished by the Dorm Mother. The stern woman everyone in Mahora (except for Satsuki and Sagara Sousuke) dreaded had protested about it at first, but she still had to relent eventually, although she wouldn't stop staring venomously at Nodoka and Yue whenever they crossed paths now. That creeped Yue to no end, but she supposed it still was better than the alternative. With any luck they wouldn't run into her tonight.

"You know," Yue said while checking the video file they'd give Haruna. To be fully honest, Yue could understand Paru's hobby of watching Nodoka's exploits. She couldn't possibly call it creepy anymore, considering that she also kept copies for herself. "I've been thinking about it, Nodoka, and for once Paru might be right. You really should push for your own Pactio."

Nodoka blushed and shook her head, without looking at Yue. "N-No, I couldn't! Negi-sensei already has too many partners to train, and I'd be a bother. B-Besides, like I can compare to them... I mean, in how useful we can be for him, I mean, for his goals."

"Nonsense," Yue argued. "You saw how powerful that Psycho Purple-san's Artifact was. That's your destiny, Nodoka. And you know Negi-sensei will have need for that Artifact sooner or later."

"Maybe," Nodoka allowed softly. "But Yue, th-then you should get yourself a Pactio like Valkyrie Black-san's, too!"

Now it was Yue's turn to blush. "What? N-No! That's different! Your Artifact is unique, while mine -"

"You didn't get to see Valkyrie Black-san in action," the Card Captor reminded her. "She was an incredible fighter!"

"All the more reason to doubt I could ever fill that role," replied Yue.

"Are we having this conversation AGAIN?" Kero complained.

"Yue-Yue, she was just like you at first!" Nodoka said. "I'm sure you can be as useful in battle as Asuna-san, Suzushiro-sempai and Iinchou-san with enough effort!"

Her best friend looked away uneasily. "I couldn't be as good as them, because ... because I'm afraid," she confessed in a tiny voice.

And then Nodoka's hand was on her own.

"So am I," she heard Nodoka's own whispered admission. "But maybe, if we put both our fears together, we might find the courage to overcome them?"

After a moment of doubt, Yue squeezed the small warm hand in her own, and half-smiled.

"Who knows? Stranger things have happened."

Kero groaned to himself as his tiny winds kept on flapping in the cold nocturnal air. "Whatever happened to being strong, independent magical girls with no need for men? Honestly."

Then he paused in his flight, staring into the distance. "Hmm?" he said. "Nodoka, do you see that?"

"What?" Nodoka blinked, following his gaze with hers and then gasping as she noticed what he was pointing towards with a tiny plush paw. It was a small black dog slowly advancing towards them on shaky, erratic legs, whimpering weakly before collapsing onto a puddle of icy water. "Oh, no! Poor thing!" she gasped, rushing to the dog and crouching down to check on it, placing her hand on its chest and checking its heartbeat.

Yue approached them at a more tranquil pace. "What happened to... him?" she completed her sentence after a quick glance between the dog's legs. And what a him. "Maybe Ako-san could take a look at him."

"I-I don't know," Nodoka gasped, running a hand over the injured animal's head, petting him softly as to calm his nervous, twitching, scared mood. "It looks like someone beat him up pretty badly! Who could do such an awful thing to a poor puppy...?"

Yue could barely stop herself from cracking a deadpan 3-F joke, which was a shame in her opinion since she thought it was a great one, but probably not the best thing to say under the circumstances. "Are you sure you can move him, then?" she dubiously asked while Nodoka set her umbrella aside and gently scooped the stray up in her arms, never minding the rainwater soaking her. "What if you just end up hurting him more?"

"Well, what else can I do? Just leaving him here until someone else arrives? He'll catch his death before that, Yue-Yue. D-Don't worry, the dorms are close enough anyway, aren't they?"

Yue sighed while picking the umbrella Nodoka had discarded with her free hand and began following her friend, now at a definitely more vigorous walk. "I guess they are." Then she noticed Kero had stayed behind, close to ground level, and looked back at him. "What's up now, Kero-san?" she asked.

"I'm not sure myself," Kero hummed, flapping back up while holding something he had just found and lifted from another puddle at the side of the walk, "But I can feel a powerful magical pulse coming from this thing. I'd like taking it home and studying it, just in case."

And in the event it wasn't dangerous but still valuable, perhaps selling it through the Maginet, he pondered. He needed more videogames and sweets, after all.

Yue made one of her small cute scowls as she looked at the small black bottle, seemingly empty but very tightly topped by a seal that kept it firmly closed, and considered its weight in her hand for a moment. "Well, if you say so... you're the expert on these things, after all..." she deferred to him before blinking, realizing Nodoka had put a lot of ground between herself and them by this point, and then just hurried after her, stuffing the bottle into her breast pocket. "Oi, Nodoka! Wait for me just a second, please!"

Kero followed them as fast as he could as well, and soon the four of them had pretty much disappeared from sight into the rain.

It was only then that the person who had been following the trail of the dog arrived to the location of that fateful meeting.

The small blonde person in black crouched by the point where the dog had fallen, took a careful look at Nodoka and Yue's footsteps, and then her cold, analytical eyes went into the direction of said steps across the muddy, narrow path.

The hunter stood back up, frowned in a chilling silence, extended an arm, flexed her fingers, and the whole arm became a very large and sharp axe.

* * *

"And then Lala-chin said, 'No, but I didn't kill him either'! Ha ha ha ha!" Haruna laughed, then splashed the water of the pool she was in, along with Makie, Yuuna, Skuld, Ayaka, Sora, Satomi, Misa and Sakurako. Haruka had excused herself saying she had important things to work on, and Chisame never shared the baths with the others unless she really needed to. Ai, as usual, had retreated quickly after a blur of frantic apologies, no doubt thinking she'd only bother the others with her presence. Asuna needed to go sleep early because of her paper route, and so Konoka and Setsuna had gone with her as well. Misora and Cocone, of course, had to sneak into the church before Sister Shakti could catch them, and so they also were absent. As for Lala, she had gone home with Rito, which was no obstacle for most of the conversation to gravitate around her.

"For someone raised in the luxury of royalty, Deviluke Hime-sama definitely can be quite troublesome," Ayaka said while rubbing one side of her scalp with a hand towel, her eyes closed. "I can't imagine what kind of culture she hails from..."

"Then again, her being a super strong alien warrior comes handy, doesn't it?" Yuuna wondered aloud. "I mean, we were falling short in the frontline. Eva was saying we relied too much on Asuna, Setsuna and the Vice Prez, and short of calling Kaede and Ku-chan in..."

"At least we know them well," Ayaka muttered, still clearly embittered over the ways she thought Negi had been looking at Lala over the training session. Since none of those present was Asuna, none of those present dared point out her reasons to her face. "The way Lala Hime-sama describes that father of hers gives me chills, and the worst part is how casual she is about it..."

"On the plus side," Misa argued, "if we're her pals, we'll be spared when the aliens invade Earth and make mankind their slaves at the salt mines. We might even get an office at the local government!"

The other girls, even Sora, stared at her.

"What?" Misa asked. "I'm only trying to keep a positive outlook! Besides, this is Japan. Nepotism is a thing."

Haruna of all people was about to crossly chide her on the subject, since she had been raised on the 'A martial artist's duty is to protect their people while getting as much free food as possible' school of thought after all, but bit her tongue when she saw several other girls entering the baths.

"Ah. Guys," said Kugimiya Madoka, coming to a halt as her gaze met those of Misa and Sakurako.

"Hey, Madoka. What's up," Misa blandly said, waving mildly at her.

There was a short pause.

Then one of the three girls who had just arrived with Kugimiya Madoka blinked and raised an eyebrow. "So. What's up, indeed? You're roommates, aren'tcha? Why are you talking as if―"

"Because," Misa interrupted Suzumiya Haruhi with a smile, waving a hand in a circle, "lately it **does** kinda feel like Madoka and us don't meet more than once a―"

"Please cut it out, Misa. It's been a long enough night as it is," a somewhat annoyed Madoka said, undoing her towel and entering the water, choosing to sit down next to Sakurako instead. The fortunate cheerleader made polite room for her, then didn't look so lucky for once, as she sat somewhat awkwardly between Misa and Madoka, caught between the rather cold glances they shot each other.

Sakurako shot Satomi a discreet pleading gaze, but Satomi could do nothing about it all but shrug her shoulders.

Suzumiya chuckled as she entered the water as well, pulling Asahina Mikuru in by an arm. Nagato Yuki, as expressionless as ever, followed suit shortly after. "Why can't some people just accept it when their friends' interests pull them away from them?"

"It goes both ways, Sempai," Yuuna said.

"We should know, seeing how we're drifting from Ako and Akira too..." Makie sort-of-mumbled, as cutely gloomy as she could ever get. Which was still far more 'cute' than 'gloomy', but at least she tried.

"Of course it does," Haruhi easily agreed with Yuuna, either completely failing to hear Makie or completely failing to care to ask what she was talking about. "I was speaking for both sides of the conflict."

"There's no conflict between us!" Misa and Madoka snapped as one.

"I'll take that synch as proof there isn't," Haruhi smiled, rotating an arm in circles.

Ayaka frowned. "And, may I ask what were you doing up so late, outside?" she asked, eyeing the soaked umbrellas the SOS Brigade's girls had left by the door, next to Evangeline's.

"Drawing contact circles on the grass for the aliens, naturally," Haruhi explained, then slyly added, "I mean, the real aliens, not the delusional cosplayers with pink dye and fake tails."

Makie blinked, then patted herself on the crotch. "You mean Lala-sempai? She doesn't dye, hers is as pink as I am..."

Haruhi looked down between Makie's legs. "... there's no hair there at all..."

"There is!" Makie protested. "One only has to look closely!"

Haruhi began leaning ahead as much as she could towards Makie, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth. "Seriously...? Hm, I don't know, maybe―"

"Sempai!" Madoka growled, grabbing Harubi by an ear and violently pulling her back before she could literally stick her face into Makie's crotch.

"What's the matter? She was asking for it! Anyway, why were you guys out late, then? What's with you and those guys you take with you into the woods, anyway?"

Everyone in the circle of Negi's associates but Haruna, who just smiled, jerked back in surprise. Sora even began to choke in her saliva and broke into frantic trembling. "Excuse me... but what, if anything, are you trying to imply?" Ayaka defensively asked.

"Well, duh, what do you think?" Haruhi asked back. "Unlike all other clubs, you have your quarters away from everybody else, deep into the woods. Something even I couldn't get for us! You have two teachers as your advisers instead of one, again something even I couldn't pull off either, and you hang out with college students, which is a big no-no for everyone else, EVEN US..." this was said with a non-subtle glance towards Sora, who sank further down into the water until only her nose and the top of her head were visible.

"One of our teachers is only a child, so the faculty graciously conceded us another one to help him," Yuuna, regaining her pose, answered with practiced smoothness. "Do you think my daddy and Konoka's grandpa, not to mention the Vice Prez herself, would go along with this if anything weird was going on?"

"Even so," Haruhi pressed on mercilessly, "what's the purpose of having club meetings in a Japanese forest? How is that helpful to learn about English culture?"

"Well," Skuld clenched a forced smile, "that's a secret of the club. If we were sharing those secrets with anyone, it wouldn't make much sense to have the club in the first place, right? Do we go around asking you what the Gossip Club does, hmmm?"

"I don't belong to any Gossip Club anymore!" Haruhi said, sounding offended. "Don't try to weasel out saying stupid things like that!"

Misa was startled. "There's a Gossip Club? How come I was never invited in?! Don't those guys recognize true talent when they see it?!"

Haruhi shrugged. "Eh, you didn't miss on anything. It's a lame club, that's why I left it before one week. You guys have it much cooler, with your forbidden liaisons with men and shota in the woods and all..."

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" an angry Ayaka roared, rising from the water with her fists at her sides.

Satomi and Yuuna looked at Haruna.

Paru shrugged. "I refused membership. I already had my hands full with the Manga Club, the Library Exploration, and now Al― the English Club."

Misa stared daggers at her. "They went for YOU over ME?!"

"We're digressing!" a still fired up Haruhi said. "You never have any public activities, and you still haven't contacted the Mahorafest Organization Committee to propose your contributions to the festival! And I should damn know because I have friends in the Committee!"

"You have friends?" Misa said in sarcastic disbeleif.

"You mean contacts you have blackmailed into keeping you informed," Madoka said.

Misa nodded. "Ah, that makes more sense."

"Same thing!" Haruhi nonchalantly replied.

"Come to think about it... we haven't, huh?" Sakurako rubbed her chin. "I knew we were forgetting something..."

"I was sure Iinchou would take care of that!" Yuuna said.

"I was sure Suzushiro-sempai would handle that, since she stresses her authority over mine so much!" Ayaka protested. "You cannot possibly blame me here!"

"But Iinchou," Sakurako said, "you should be aware Suzushiro-sempai still is too busy and worried with her friend's disappearance and all that. She isn't working at her fullest right now..."

"That's not the point," Haruhi said, "How can you even pin that on a single member when it should be something to decide between all members?! See, that's why you're so suspicious!"

"I can't help but agree with Sempai here, guys," Madoka reasoned. "Even we've settled on what to do for the Festival after discussing it amongst... wait, no, Sempai just told us what to do and we took it up the ass. Never mind, then."

Haruhi folded her arms and huffed. "If you had a better idea than 'The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru', you should have suggested it during the proper meeting, Kugimin!"

"My name's not Kugimin, and you never let m―"

"I always let everyone to talk freely!" Haruhi protested. "Don't I, Mikuru-chan?"

"Ah..." Asahina Mikuru began.

"See, you have Mikuru's word on it! Is this angelic face that of a liar!?" Haruhi swiftly moved towards her, pulling on her cheeks painfully.

"Ah..." Mikuru added, cute tears trickling down her face.

"Suzumiya-san does have a valid point," Nagato finally spoke, as detached as always."Most of you already belong to other clubs, so you can't even claim ignorance of how those procedures work,"

Misa gave Madoka a bewildered look. "She CAN TALK?!"

Madoka shrugged. "Sometimes."

"What's so shocking about it?" Haruhi asked. "Don't you have a mute classmate of your own?"

"Zazie-san isn't mute, Sempai," Madoka informed before falling into a dubious pause. "... I think!"

"I admit our club may work rather differently from most other such associations," Ayaka said, folding her arms, "but I assure you we are a fully legit and functional club that follows all legal requisites the Academy demands from us..."

Haruhi gave them a jaded glare before directly asking Makie, "Pinky-chan, what have you learned about the British culture since you joined this club?"

Makie joyfully opened her mouth, began to form a sound, and then froze in that position. Almost a full half minute later, she said, "English is hard, but, um, is 'rewarding' the correct word, Sku-chan? Iinchou?"

The assembled outsiders glared as one at the rest of Ala Alba, who in turn facepalmed as a single unit. Even Haruna.

"Hey, that doesn't count!" Misa protested. "She's a baka ranger, she'd never learn anything anyway!"

"Oh, right, that's true," Makie said, brightening.

Meanwhile, Mikuru had stealthily retreated away from Haruhi's over-active hands, trying to enjoy the momentary lull of relaxation before Haruhi's attention fell back on her to prove some point or another. Sitting by herself and keeping a low profile, much like Hasegawa Sora was doing elsewhere in yet another case of strange minds thinking alike, the time traveler tried to compose herself and get ready for whatever would come next...

But it quickly turned out she wasn't ready for feeling herself touched under the surface, despite everything.

As she felt a playful tickling running down her legs and softly teasing her buttocks, Mikuru debated inwardly if to shriek or not. On the one hand, Suzumiya-san liked when she shrieked, and it was the best thing to do to keep the public image her job demanded. On the other, she wasn't really in the mood to put on the cutesy shrill act right now, and there wasn't too much of a public around to pretend to.

Plus, it felt nice. Ah, Suzumiya-san rarely was this tender. But why her hands felt so slimy...?

Then she remembered Suzumiya-san was still at the other side of the baths, heatedly talking with Yukihiro-san and Jottunsdottir-san. Mikuru felt into a shocked puzzlement, until she remembered the date. Ah, of course. It was the night when those Slime Sisters kidnapped Negi-sensei's companions. It had to be that...

Well, then, to keep the normal flux of events, it seemed the responsibility of starting the wacky panicky hijinx had fallen on her.

Mikuru, very stoically, cleared her throat, prepared the lungs behind her very nice breasts, and let out a scream perfected after dozens of iterations of infiltration in the SOS Brigade.

"EEEEEK! SOMEONE'S TOUCHING MEEEE!"

And then all chaos broke loose.

And by that, we mean the concept of randomness and disorder, not the plural form of Chao.

* * *

 _It was a dark and stormy night. Someone knocked on the door_.

It was a dark and stormy night. Someone knocked on the door.

"Well, isn't this a lovely coincidence," said Konoka, looking up from the piece she had just started writing in her computer. Which was so totally not a fanfic, because only plebs with no imagination of their own resort to taking others' copyrighted ideas for recycling story concepts. No, it was the start of her first novel! A thrilling saga of a young heiress challenging society's taboos to be with her oppressed, incredibly hot young bodyguard in a magical fantasy setting, changing a few names to protect the innocent. Possibly fifty shades of some color would be involved. Because it's not stealing when you take from real life. After all, no one has copyrighted or trademarked Real Life (TM & C).

Asuna made a soft sound halfway between grunt and request from her bunk.

"Yes, yes, I'll take it," Konoka said, rising from her chair in her pajamas. "It must be Negi-kun. Nobody else is old fashioned enough as to knock when we have a perfectly functional doorbell. I wonder what he wants...?"

Then she was left speechless and open mouthed when she opened the door and saw a bare naked Setsuna standing right before her. And smiling.

"Whozzatderekonoka?" Asuna smacked her lips from the bedroom.

"Gah gah gah gah gah. Gah!" Konoka babbled.

"Ahgudtoknow," Asuna yawned before descending into tiny cute snores.

"Setchan!" Konoka finally gasped, taking a step back. Something was terribly wrong in this terribly nice and good and hot situation. Her Konoka-sense was tingling!

Ah, on a second thought, it was something else in her tingling. But still!

"Setchan!" Konoka repeated when the naked girl just took another step in, pleasantly smiling at her. Smiling! And what a smile it was! "Why, why why are you naked, not that I mind, but, the Hall Monitor—!"

"Then I shouldn't stay in the hall, Ojou-sama," Setsuna purred, walking in all the way and pushing the door closed behind her with one foot. Konoka let out a high-pitched squeal and Setsuna closed in, clearly invading her personal space and almost touching her nose with hers. "Aren't you happy to see me?"

"Very!" Konoka gasped, briefly thanking the gods for not being a boy, or else she'd be all the way inside Setchan by now. Through the pajama bottoms. Wait, that'd have been a good thing, right? It was so difficult to think... "But wait, this isn't like you!" she said, pushing Setsuna back. "I'm supposed to be the teasing, audacious and flirty one, and you're the stoic, shy, emotionally distant one! S-S-So says the novel, I mean, um, so that's the way it is! And we haven't hit enough emotional development yet! So you can't be Setchan! Is that you, Kaede, with one of those weird jutsus you once told me about? I'm not going to get mad as long as you don't—"

Then Setsuna grabbed her by a wrist, pulled her to herself, and deeply kissed her. Konoka went cross-eyed.

"Then again," she gulped when the naked girl finally let her go, "it's okay if you keep that form, I guess...?"

"Konokawhazztakingusolong...?" Asuna muttered while rolling around the sheets.

"Scoring!" Konoka said loudly, furiously rubbing her legs together.

"Ahdatsgudjustrememberusingprotection," Asuna approved before laying on her stomach.

"It occurs to me, since we're being naughty, and you're so bold, and I'm cheating already anyway, if you don't mind, maybe we could talk Asuna-chan into j—" Konoka heatedly said before the girl before her just sprouted liquid, slimy tentacles from all over her body. "Kaede, no! That wasn't what I meant! Not THAT kind of ninja tr—!"

Then the tentacles descended upon her, pummeling rather than invading, and knocked her unconscious.

As her body was carefully lowered to the carpet, the naked, slime-tendril sporting Setsuna covered her own mouth with a hand. "Oh my god! I kissed a girl just to try it! I hope my boyfriend doesn't mind! It felt so wrong, it felt so right! Don't mean I'm in love tonight! I kissed a girl and liked it! I liked it!" she frantically told herself. "Oh, I feel pretty and witty and gay!"

Asuna angrily sat up on the bed. "Okay, Konoka-chan, I don't mind if you and Setsuna or Kaede or whoever as long as it isn't Takahata-sensei choose to get frisky next room, I'm an open minded woman, but you could at least keep your Kate Perry and West Side story down so I can sl—!"

Then the nearest window exploded from the outside and dozens of slime whips penetrated the room, quickly zeroing in towards her.

* * *

Negi lifted his gaze from the tests he was grading. "Didn't that sound like shattering glass and Asuna-san screaming?"

"Don't be ridiculous, they're too far down the hallway for us to hear any of that," said Chisame from where she worked on her computer, "and if it happened, odds are she just was clumsy and broke something ag—" Then she stopped herself. "No. No, that isn't right," she said with a sense of somber dread. "Of course, if I felt compelled to think it was nothing but a perfectly normal and innocent incident, it has to be something terrible and dramatically life altering! It can't be anything else!" She took both hands to her hair and slumped ahead miserably. "Why, oh why...!"

Negi blinked as he stood up. "Okay... maybe I should go check on her then..."

"Dammit, why couldn't I stop myself before it was too late, before saying 'ridiculous'?" Chisame brooded. "I should have said 'Don't be that careless, it has to be something awful that has just happened to her and Konoe'? That way it'd have been all right, and I would only have to live with the minor shame of being proved wrong again and coming off as if I truly cared about them..."

"It's very sweet of you to care about them so much, Chisame," Negi warmly said as he tossed a housecoat over his pajamas, tightening the belt and heading for the front door. "But don't worry, there's no need to be that paran—"

"Don't make it any worse!" Chisame said as she covered her face with both hands.

Negi sweated a big drop while opening the door. "I'm not going to take more than a—" Then he fell silent as a roar of thunder rippled through the night.

"Ominous thunder, even!" Chisame's hands clawed down her face. "It just doesn't stop, now all this lacks is a—"

"Good evening, Negi Springfield," a deep, rich and cultured male voice said, startling Chisame and making her spin around on her chair. Staring directly towards the door, she saw a very tall man in his sixties or early seventies, Caucasian and thickly bearded and mustachioed, standing before the confused Negi. He wore a long, black coat over a black suit, with matching tall boots and a wide brimmed hat not unlike a fedora. He was soaked in rainwater, but he smiled affably, not bothered at all. And his tone was just as gentlemanly pleasant as his expression. "My, but how much you have grown since I last saw you!"

"Ever... since when?" Negi said, while Chisame quickly reached for her Pactio card and held it close, springing back to her feet. "Have we ever met before, Mister...?"

"Oh, certainly," the man said, taking his hat off and doing a deep bowing with an old fashioned aristocratic flair. "Although you were too young back then, and I have changed so much in the years that followed... But I once had the honor of visiting your hometown, and I even got to meet your honorable father while I was there..."

And Negi's eyes lit up in hope.

He was a smart boy. Given one more moment, he'd have instantly made the connection. He would have realized that the only day where a visitor to his hometown could have met both him and his father would have been that particular Christmas night. But the mere mention of that fleeting sparkle of guiding light was enough to stall that realization just long enough for what happened instantly later.

Perhaps Chisame, who had far less of an emotional link to that fact, realized it in the spot. But whether that happened or not, it would have made no difference. For she was not anywhere as fast enough as to stop the man from swiftly lifting a leg and smashing a sole against Negi's face, sending him flying across the living room, until he literally crashed down on the couch.

* * *

"I don't think he's too badly hurt," Izumi Ako said after finishing her checkup of the small black dog Nodoka and Yue had invited her to check on. She rose from the couch where they kept the animal on thick warm blankets and told Yue, "I'm no vet, but I think he's strong and should recover fully by tomorrow. You should at least take him to Mikado-sensei before classes, though."

"Thank you, Ako-san," Nodoka said while toweling her hair dry, another towel wrapped around her body. She'd just taken a warm shower in the apartment's bathroom, not wanting to head into the common baths and leaving the dog, Yue, Ako and Akira alone. "I-I'll buy you something to repay your help! What kind of books do you prefer?"

"Oh, no, no, don't bother!" Ako replied. "It was nothing, for real!"

Yue frowned as she approached the mutt and took another close look at it herself. As a matter of fact, he looked less injured now than he had when they brought him in, and even was stirring back into consciousness, albeit very slowly. It was almost as if he had some sort of healing factor... but no, of course that was impossible, it'd have to be a...

... a...

Maybe they should pay Negi-sensei a call after Akira and Ako would leave.

"Then you should get him a home," Ako was telling Nodoka now. "I don't think the Dorm Mother will let you keep him, but maybe Chachamaru-san can help? She takes care of all kinds of strays, doesn't she?"

"I think she only keeps cats, actually," Akira intervened, "but I don't believe she'd refuse to help him either way."

"And there was no collar or license on him?" asked Ako. "That'd be very helpful..."

"Sadly, no," Nodoka replied, then reached for the small bottle Yue had left on a shelf, showing it to the two visitors. Yue mildly cringed, not thinking that was the best course of action at the moment, but it was too late to stop Nodoka by now. "But, Yue-Yue found this close to him. It's probably nothing, though..."

Outside, thunder rumbled right on cue.

Akira squinted as she got closer to it, feeling a slight, strange sensation almost flowing from that object and into her. She reached over and delicately touched the slick glass surface with her fingertips. "Could... Could I borrow it for the evening, please?" she asked. "I have a friend who is... let's say a specialist on strange antiques..."

Then Yue, who had taken her eyes momentarily from the runt to look at the exchange, had a gasping start as she felt something that was definitely bigger than the dog rising from the couch, from the exact same spot where the dog had been a second ago. She could swear she heard the faint groan from Kero-san, who was pretending to be an immobile toy on another shelf, right at that moment, too.

Ako looked in the direction of the sudden shuffle of towels, and her pale face grew beet red. So did Akira's and Nodoka's one instant later. For, rising to his feet and replacing the poor dog that had just vanished from sight altogether, there was a very naked boy around Negi's age, with long, messy black hair and furry ears and a tail.

"I-I-Inugami-kun!" Nodoka recognized immediately.

Akira gave her a startled look. "Inugami-kun? Do you mean you―"

"KYAAAAAAA!" Ako shrieked, taking hold of the nearest lamp and tossing it into the groggy boy's face. "A PERVERT!"

"No, wait, Ako-san, it's―!" Yue gasped as the lamp flew past her, almost hitting her in the proccess. "― never mind."

The boy took a hand armed with long and sharp fingernails to his scalp and muttered, "Uwaaa... What's going on, I don't even―" before the lamp collided directly against his features. Then he dropped onto the carpet like a dead weight.

Silence ensued.

"Oh my God," Ako shuddered. "I've, I've just killed a perverted midget! Luckily there was no blood!"

"That," Akira said, "is no midget, it's a child."

Ako blinked. "What? No, no, no way! Everyone knows children can't be perverts!"

Akira stopped herself short of mentioning a certain Kuro-san she had met in Kyoto and tried to ellaborate on her point, but Yue did it for her as Nodoka rushed to help the downed boy. "Actually, yes, this is a boy. We met him during the class trip to Kyoto."

"So… so he's a stalker who followed you to Mahora?" Ako trembled, looking for support into Akira's patient arms. "And, and what did he do to the doggy?!"

The boy rubbed his face while standing up, barely noticing Nodoka even though she was helping him up greatly. "Okay, which one of you did that?! I'm going to kick the butt of whoever―" Then he realized Yue was standing shortly apart of him, looking at him disapprovingly. "Chibi-nee? What are you doing here?"

"I live here," Yue dryly answered. Then she pointed at Nodoka. "With her."

"With who―" Kotaro looked at his side, noticed there was a nearly naked girl holding him, and yelped as he pulled away from her. "Kya! Pink Panties-neechan!"

Ako grew even more disturbed. "He, he knows your type of panties?!"

"It's, it's not what it looks like!" Nodoka cried, holding the towel tighter around her body. "I, um, it was an accident, Yuuki-sempai Style!"

Ako pondered that for a moment, startled, before just frowning and saying, very un-Ako-like, "Yessss... sure, that's what all boys say..."

"Ako-chan," Akira softly chided.

"What? I'm the manager for a club of boys! I hear that one all the time!"

"What nonsense are you guys babbling about?" Kotaro grumbled as he grabbed the carpet under him and rolled it as a makeshift skirt around his softer parts. "What happened to me? Why am I naked and why am I not at the office of― oh, right, that guy. I had forgotten him for a moment. Damn him!"

Akira, who by now was used to hearing about strange men stirring strange trouble all over the city and often had to clean their messes up, tensed in alert. "What? Do you mean... you were attacked by some man who stripped you and turned you into a dog?"

Ako blinked again. "What kind of new weirdo pervert is that anyway?"

Kotaro grumbled, looking at Nodoka and Yue. "Are these two in the secrets?"

Nodoka and Yue shook their heads.

Kotaro sighed. "Well. Whatever, that's your problem anyway. Just give me that bottle and some pants," he said, gesturing towards the bottle now in Akira's hand, "and I'll be on my way. Then we all can forget this ever happened. Literally, in the case of those two."

"Wait, no, not so fast!" Akira urged. "You still haven't explained anything! If there's a strange man attacking people on the loose, we need to know about him, because―"

"Wait! Did you hear that?" Kotaro asked, perking up and lifting a hand in the international gesture for demanding a pause. "Wha's that? It… it sounds kinda like Egghead grunting and his girlfriend shrieking?"

"Egghead?!" Ako grew angrier.

"They do that every night," Yue shrugged casually. "Don't mind that and don't use it to excuse yourself out."

"They do?!" Akira said.

Yue made a tiny half-smile. "You're fortunate you live further down the hall..."

"Quiet, you noisy hens! I'm sure this ain't a normal spat!" Kotaro protested, rushing towards the wall separating Nodoka and Yue's quarters from Chisame and Satomi's. Then he stuck an ear against it. In the background, unnoticed by anyone, Kero also perked an ear up, making it grow comically oversized.

"Noisy hens?" Ako asked, dismayed. "What a rude, vulgar boy!"

"Are you just going to repeat everything I say?" Kotaro mumbled, paying closer attention to the noise. "Aw, crap! I'm sure I can hear the old man's voice too! Everyone, leave right now! This is about to get ugly!"

"Wait, why should we leave, just because you say so?" Ako asked. "You haven't been making any sense since you, you... snuck in! So, are you hearing to some older man in there? Probably it's just the grandpa of some girl who fell for him, out to―" Then she abruptly stood up, tilting her head into the opposite direction. "What in the world?!"

"That, that came from Konoka-san's room!" Akira estimated.

"Oh, so _now_ you finally react! About time too!" Kotaro protested, rushing towards the front door, opening it and peeking out into the hallway. More specifically, all of a sudden, towards Asuna and Konoka's room, way down the hall. His eyebrows moved quite strangely. "It's an attack on multiple levels? What the―?"

"Gahhh!" Kero screamed, along with Ako, Nodoka, Akira and Chisame, as a loud crashing sound from behind made Kotaro growl and spin back on his heels.

"Damn it, can you try to be quiet, y'idiots! I think there's someone in real... ahhhh..." he trailed off as he found himself staring at the bruised face of a battered Negi, splayed across Nodoka's floor, trembling as he struggled to push himself back up. Kotaro's gaze travelled towards the new huge hole in their shared wall, and to the white-haired man in black standing in the middle of it, currently holding a fiercely struggling, kicking and biting Chisame under one arm.

Akira fell into a quick ready stance, taking a hand to her chest and shielding Ako with her body.

Nodoka gulped, then scampered clumsily towards the Clow pendant she had left on a table, clutching it tightly.

Yue just leapt and ducked behind the couch, grabbing Kero and yanking him down with herself.

The man, with the hand that wasn't keeping the girl firmly secured in place, tipped his hat off to Kotaro. "Oh, it's you! Good to see you again, lad," he casually greeted. "My apologies, ladies, but I'm sure we haven't shattered anything too expensive. If we have, well, you can bill Mr. Springfield later on, I suppose. It was due to his foolish resistance this conflict spilled over here, after all..."

"Y-You..." Negi gurgled, pushing himself back up and running the back of a hand across his bleeding mouth, **"Just let Chisame go already!-!-!-!"** he fiercely growled, tensing up in a paroxysm of rage that frankly stunned Kotaro for a moment, never mind Ako and Akira.

The wolf boy blinked, looked back and forth between Negi and the old man, and finally sniffed into the latter's direction. Then he slapped himself on the forehead. "Damn! I should have noticed it before!"

"You should have, indeed," the old gentleman nodded agreeably. "But domestication will do that even to the fittest species. Regardless, I won't bother you anymore as long as you stay out of―"

"Who are you calling domesticated, you stupid geezer?!" Kotaro barked.

"Why aren't you letting Chisame go yet?!" Negi screamed, stomping towards the man threateningly.

"Why the fuck did you grab me in the first place, you damn pervert?!" Chisame howled, trying to bash the man's side with her fists, although it felt like punching a cement block and seemed like it was being just as effective as well.

The old man sighed and shook his head. "Of course. Hardly anything ever goes smoothly when it is mixed with the fires of youth..."

 _Somewhere in Kaede's home town, a man in green tights sneezed._

"Afraid I'll burn you, old man? This time I'm ready for you!" Kotaro chuckled, bumping his fists against each other. "Heh! Been a while since the last time I dusted a demon off! You chose the wrong wall to bust, Mister!"

Negi violently pushed a hand against his chest. "Stay out of this! I'm not having Chisame hurt because of your intervention!" A pause. "And I'm sorry, but that means you as well, Miyazaki-san!"

Nodoka looked truly wounded for a moment, as she held her already deployed Clow staff in her hands. "But, but I can help, Sensei!"

"Men," Akira sighed, still torn between just transforming in the spot or not. On the one hand, by now she knew Negi-sensei was a fairly able fighter himself, and if he and this boy could handle the situation themselves, there was no point on blowing her cover, and subsequently Minako's, before them. But on the other hand...

Kotaro's eyebrows quivered as he glared at Negi. "Excuse me? Let's make something clear here, who's the one used to fight demons and solving hostage crises and kidnappings with his fists, and who's the one who's just a nerd who can't do anything without his harem...?"

"He's, he's not a nerd!" Ako protested from behind Akira. "Take that back, punk!"

 _"It's not a bloody harem!"_ Negi and Chisame said at once. Chisame stared at him in shock. "Wait, you know what _that_ word means?"

"Yes, Erebus-san told me," Negi said. "It's a word for a group of knights in a wizard's service, right?"

"… " Chisame said. "…suuuuuuurrrrre, let's go with that."

The strange visitor looked at the wristwatch in the hand that wasn't holding Chisame, let out another sigh, and then casually flung her on the couch. "What the―!" Chisame cried as she fell on her butt, landing rather well all things considered.

The old man threw his overcoat aside and smirked, settling into a confident battle stance as Kotaro and Negi took opposite sides before him, both eyeing him suspiciously. "Very well, then," he said. "I will concede you only a couple of minutes, since we are on a tight schedule tonight. Make them count, since they are a valuable gift I don't grant often..."

* * *

Tatsumiya Mana and her apprentice (whom you should know, but might need some help remembering, since she hadn't shown up in a while) Munakata Shiho stood at the doorstep of Sakurazaki Setsuna's room.

"Well?" Mana finally said. "Knock."

The shorter, red-haired girl looked up at her, mildly bewildered. "But, why me?!"

Mana gave her a very slightly annoyed look in turn. "Is knocking on a door beyond your capabilities now, Shiho?"

"O-of course not, but isn't she _your_ classmate? I mean, if it turns out we are bothering her, she'll get upset at me, not y―"

"She'd be upset at you, not me, all the same," Mana said, "Because she knows better than to ever get upset at me."

Shiho sighed sadly, defeated by the weight of logical thought. "Of course," she said, then knocked on the door.

 _Nothing Happened._

Shiho waited a moment, blinked, then raised her hand and to knock on the door again. "Maybe she just didn't h―"

She was interrupted in mid-word when Mana just kicked the door in, then walked swiftly inside.

Shiho blinked again,put her hand down, and followed her Oneesama inside. "Officially, I broke that door right now, didn't I?"

"I knew it," Mana ignored her while looking around the living room, which showed signs of a very quick but brutal struggle, Setsuna's scarce furniture thrown in all directions, some of her many Konoka posters and photos somewhat skewed aside. "It wasn't like Sakurazaki to fail to report for guard change, then ignore my calls..." She knelt down in the middle of the room, gathered a few droplets of pink gloop that squirmed on the floor as if gifted with a life of its own, and held her pink-coated fingers close to her face. "Shapeshifting slime. Most likely from Mundus Magicus. Probably took Konoe's figure to be allowed in, which explains the untouched door..."

"Well, it was untouched before..." Shiho muttered, looking back at the busted door over her shoulder. "Wait, are you telling me a simple slime monster could take that badass Sempai down on its own? And if it were from Mundus Magicus, how could it be here in the first place?"

Mana stood back, walked to an open window, and ran a finger across its frame, gathering more small samples of pink goo. "Shit. This, we didn't need at all."

"I found something else!" Shiho proudly said, picking up a Pactio card with Setsuna's picture on it from under a tumbled chair, and offering it to Mana. "Can't we use this to track her down?"

"What have I told you about touching evidence in a crime scene?" Mana coldly asked.

"Ah? But, you were just―"

"I will rephrase myself. What have I told you about _you_ touching evidence in a crime scene?" Mana said again, taking the card and examining it closely. "Well, at least we know she's still alive. But if anything, her _not_ having the card on her anymore means Negi-sensei can't use it to find her. And on that subject..."

"What are you doing?" Shiho blinked as she saw Mana activating her demon eye, then clenching her teeth while touching her own forehead with the card.

"Hasegawa-san," Mana abruptly said. "Yes, it's me. No, it's not Sakurazaki pretending to be me, why would she do such a stupid― Oh, this? Is just a thing I can do. Of course you wouldn't know about... Right. I know. We'll be there right now." She pushed the card into a pocket of her hakama pants and pulled out a rifle (and causing Shiho to shiver as she momentarily thought of where sempai might have been hiding it while wearing those pants), stomping back towards the door. "You coming or not, Shiho?"

"Coming to WHAT?!" the shorter girl demanded, rushing after her.

Mana flashed an evil smirk from above her shoulder. "Have you ever met another like me before?"

* * *

Actually, in all honesty, perhaps it would be more accurate to state the chaos (which does not mean Chao in the plural) really broke loose a few moments after, when the rest of the girls turned around to look at the clearly distressed and panicky Asahina.

"Really, Mikuru-chan!" Haruhi said. "Now what's gotten into you? Can't you see you're staining the brave Brigade's good name by―"

Then, with another, even louder shriek, Mikuru was pulled down and under the surface.

A beat.

"... Mikuru-chan?" Haruhi asked right before being pulled down as well. "YIPE!"

"Okay, what kind of trick are you guys playing on us?" Yuuna turned to the still impassive Nagato. "It isn't funny, dammit, even Misora would― AAAIEEEE!" she screamed as something slimy wrapped itself around her right ankle and violently yanked her into the warm depths.

"Yuuna-chan!" Makie cried in terror, beginning to splash right where her friend had just disappeared. "Where are you, what happened, what what what is this icky thing I'm touching!" she babbled before something clearly mucous and pinkish broke the surface, grabbed one of her wrists, and kidnapped her down as well.

Skuld's eyes widened. "Oh for the love of.. How could I ever forget this?! Everyone, get out the water right now! This is a―!" she couldn't finish the sentence, for the very next instant, a pillar of water had enveloped her and then sucked her under.

Misa was already at the edge of the pool, keeping Madoka held by a wrist and Sakurako by the other and trying to pull them out with herself, despite Sakurako's frantic attempts to stay in long enough as to reach for the much slower Satomi. "Oh, for fuck's sake!" Kakizaki was gasping. "It's some weird tentacle thing, isn't it?! I should've known, it couldn't be long before― AAAAHHHH!" she cried as the waters rose for them next, literally making a wave that dragged them back from the edge and down into the mysterious abyss. Which hadn't been a mysterious abyss when they'd started bathing.

"SAKURAKO-CHAN!" Satomi yelled, and then willingly dove in, to fail to reappear again afterwards.

"Interesting," Nagato calmly pondered, staying quiet where she was. "I wonder if this means what I calculate it means. I suppose there is but one way to decipher it for―" Just as quietly, she was pulled in the very next second, along a kicking and screaming Ayaka.

Haruna, meanwhile, readied both fists and unleashed them in all directions. "Wanna a piece of my sweet hot ass, you guys?! Fine with me, but Saotome Paru won't go down without a fight! I'm gonna be the one who rapes you, you are nothing to―- OOOOOOHHHH, TICKLES!" she goofily giggled, eyes going crossed and mouth drooling, before being pulled down as well. "Ah, a bit to the left, yeah, that's the spot, don't stop, don't– "

"I think," a small female voice said a moment later, "I really like this one."

And then, only quiet and silence.

A screaming, hysterical Hasegawa Sora abruptly stopped waving her ams in place, then looked in all directions, including down, trying to peek under the water. Nothing. She blinked several times in great confusion, waited a couple of seconds, and then sighed sadly while moving towards the edge of the pool. "How depressing. I'm not even wanted by―"

"Ooops! Forgot one!" another tiny, mischievous voice chirped, and next it was Sora's turn to be abducted into the unknown with a long frantic wail that soon became a quiet chain of bubbles going up to the surface.

* * *

"This is a waste of my talents," she said to herself.

Yami the Golden Darkness was not a prideful or arrogant person. Even if she thought that herself. Actually, despite being introverted and reserved, and rather cold most of the time, she could be fairly polite, respectful and helpful anytime she didn't have a contract or legitimate personal beef against whoever she was dealing with at the time. As a matter of fact, even when going against someone in her hit list she would attempt to be civil and polite to the bitter end, unless that person happened to be filth and scum. Well, more filthy and scummy than the people she usually dealt with. That was her nature.

Even so, she also was self-aware enough to recognize whenever her skills were being wasted on inferior tasks beneath her notice, and she was convinced her current assignment was one of such cases. She had expected for the Count to allow her to go after the lycanthropic yokai after reporting she had just found him, and instead, much to her surprise, she had been told to drop that trail and go set a trap for a secondary target instead.

This was not what she had signed up for when she had been contacted and offered a job at Mahora Academy. When mentioned the team she would be a part of would go against the abominable bunch of hooligans sunk so low as to recruit the pervert she had fought at Kyoto, she had been under the impression she was supposed to either go directly against her, the best to employ her previous experience at battling the fiend, or at least capture someone who could be used as bait for her. Yami personally disliked using others for bait, but in this extreme case she had been willing to make an exception.

And yet, now there she was, feeling more than slightly ashamed of herself as she sat behind some bushes, holding the end of a long rope and waiting for something that would most likely never show up. An animal. A tiny vermin. That was what she had been reduced to so far. Following the trail of a dog, and then setting a trap for a weasel. They were just fortunate she was not one to renege on an accepted contract.

Then there was the objective fact the trap, in itself, was stupid. No one with any degree of basic intelligence or self-preservation, not even the dumbest beasts she had ever fought, would fall for it. And the bait it relied on was even more disgusting than the idea of actually baiting with living people. Only her given word, and the promise of getting a more satisfying part in the scheme after finishing with this kept her sitting there, in silence, staring between the leaves at the side of the road.

The trap was basically a pair of pink silk panties under a small wooden box held up by a stick, and the rope she was holding was tied around said stick at its other end.

That was it.

Yami lowered her head in renewed shame. But her shame was not great enough as to make her lower her guard, so when she heard a sharp cry of "Panties!" cutting through the night, she immediately tensed up for action...

... and she tugged on the rope just as the white ermine grabbed the panties, trapping him within the box.

And, again, that was it.

"I... I can't believe it..." Yami whispered as she walked out and towards the trembling box, which rattled impotently from the inside. When she had been told it didn't matter where she'd place the trap as long as she baited it properly, she had felt tempted to downright call her employer out on the idiocy of what he was saying, and yet now she was being proved wrong. What kind of insane, eerie place was this 'Mahora' after all? What other horrors and abominations had it spawned?

 _Somewhere, Suzumiya Haruhi sneezed._

"Curses!" the voice from within the box complained. "Someone found out my only weakness! My silky, fragant, soft, deeee-liciouuuuuus weakness! Oh well! As long as I'm trapped in here with it...!" And then a frantic staccato of eager panting began to reach Golden Darkness' ears, making her wince in disgust.

"I hate ecchi animals," she decided, turning her right hand into a scimitar and beginning to inwardly debate whether or not to deliver the creature dead or alive...

* * *

Morisato Keiichi finally made it back to his small bedroom without even bothering to turn the lights on. The place was so tight and he had memorized it so well since his transfer from Nekomi, he didn't even need to. As he dragged his tired steps across the floor, he took his pants and shirt off, carelessly leaving them aside and then plopping on his back on the bed, in his boxers and undershirt, blocking his eyes with a forearm.

On one hand, it was nice to be finally living on his own, without having to worry about the oppressive and often irrational demands from Tamiya, Ootaki and the rest of his sempai at Nekomi. On the other hand, it also had started to feel oddly... lonely. Spending so much time with Skuld and others who were so much younger than him (or at least looked and acted the part) had alienated him from his new peers in the Mahora college-aged community even before he could start trying to socialize with them (which had never been his strongest point to begin with), even without the rumors that he was into middle school girls. Jealousy and envy are horrible things. Maybe he should ask for a roommate? Someone to really connect with, a male his own age to bond up like actual bros, someone like...

He heard a loud, gruff growl coming from a frighteningly close distance, and pulled the forearm off his eyes, glad he hadn't decided to fap. Then he was staring up directly at a gigantic man, a mountain of a musclebound brute in sleek, elegant butler regalia, with a face only a lovesick blind mother could love, and a really bad small wig on the top of his head. That person was standing right behind his bed and stared down at him with a cold sneer of inhuman contempt.

For the briefest of moments, Keiichi wondered if they had somehow, against all odds, snuck into his room BEFORE his own arrival and just waited there for him without him noticing him while he entered. Or if they had just snuck in AFTER he tucked himself into bed, which seemed even more outrageous and unbelievable. The man looked as stealthy as a train out of control, and―

"Ahh," Keiichi began saying, a hand idly reaching for the Pactio card on his nightstand, before the giant just reached down to easily grab him and pick him up like a kitten. Using a single hand. Then he fell unconscious, mercifully with no pain at all.

His last thought was _'Doesn't this shit usually happen to Negi-sensei? And I'm a terrible person for wishing this was happening to a child instead… '._

* * *

A handsome young looking man moved through the night, marching through the residential area reserved for the Mahora teachers, with the utmost confidence, and with a menacing aura of collected power surrounding him, to such a degree even the rain pouring all over the city didn't seem to touch his carefully combed and short cropped honey colored hair or his militaristic grey uniform. Or perhaps it was more like even the rain itself refused to touch his cursed body.

For he indeed was a fallen warrior, a noble from long gone eras, and as such he had felt a natural kinship with the demon masquerading as an old man when he contacted him several nights ago, while the younger male was still sulking over his latest defeat at the hands of the two sailor suited vigilantes of Mahora. While at first he had only humored the old evil thing's attempts to negotiate with him soon he saw actual potential in his scheme, and thus he had agreed to cooperate with him. Besides, it was not like he had many options left by then. His Queen's patience was almost at her limit, and two of his comrades were openly conspiring against him, eager to take over his post.

Usually, he favored a less hands-on approach, not to mention he greatly preferred calling the shots himself. But he would play along with the demon for now, and would usurp his operation once he hada full understanding of it; in the meanwhile, he would not trust his stupid servants to carry this operation on their own anymore. So now he moved towards the residence of his target while two Youma followed him from a short distance, melting into the shadows at each side of the street and moving from one to another. They would have been invisible to any unfortunate bystander who happened to walk by, and even the magical security system set around most houses in the neighborhood was ineffective against them.

But of course, as the beautiful man thought while smirking cruelly to himself. Even the so-called masters of magic in the mortal world were nothing compared to the forces of the Dark Kingdom. Once he received his share of the power the old demon had promised him, he would easily conquer the only two stumbling blocks on his way, and then...

"We're there. Jadeite-sama," one of the youma hissed from the shadows, as they both stopped behind him,

"I can see that, you idiot," he sneered, coming to a halt before the traditionally styled Japanese home. "Well? Let us not waste time!"

The youma advanced past him, shattering the door and hungrily roaming inside, their master calmly following them in. "Leave no stone unturned!" he commanded, gesturing with adequate grandness. "Find him no matter where he may hide! And while you're at it, make me a latte! It's so difficult to find a good latte in this damn country!"

However, soon his frustration was twofold. Not only there was not anything to drink in that blasted home but tea and poison (although it was a lovely selection of poisons, in all fairness. Jadeite decided taking a few with him and trying them later on Zoisite and Kunzite), but the man they had come for was nowhere to be found. They literally wrecked the whole place, to no avail. It was as if he had just disappeared without leaving a trace.

"Perhaps, My Liege," one of the youma reluctantly said, "he foresaw our arrival and fled before our entrance?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Jadeite of the Dark Agency sneered while looking through the owner's collection of music, trying to find something fitting to stea— take as a souvenir, a trophy from yet another victory. So far, only depressing emo music and what was worse, old traditional Japanese fare. Enka had to be a worse thing that anything the Dark Kingdom could ever have come up with. "Who could have told him? Me? You? Besides, then this would be a trap for us, and we haven't been surprised in the act yet, have we?"

He realized what he had just said, nervously looked around, and then, when no ominous thunder rolled despite the storm, relaxed back into condescending mode. "This must be a lucky coincidence for this human. Something must have distracted or stalled him on his way here. If necessary, we will just wait here until he comes, and then— Oh," he frowned while catching a casual glimpse through the closest window. "Of course."

There he was, his target, hanging from the branch of a tree in the backyard. A scrawny, hakama-clad, black haired figure hanging like a ragdoll under the heavy rain.

Jadeite sighed, then snapped his fingers towards his youma twins. "Get me a ladder, on the double!"

* * *

"AAAHHHHH!" Kotaro howled as he was flung across the room, crashing against a collection of exotic bottles on a shelf and shattering them to pieces.

Yue sniffled stoically while reaching over from behind the couch to grab Ako by a hand. "... I loved those, too..." she mused before beginning to drag the nervous assistant nurse towards the front door. "Come along, Izumi-san! There's nothing we can do here..."

The plush animal firmly held in Yue's other hand seemed to jerk its head back and forth as if frantically agreeing.

"But, but... Akira-chan!" Ako gasped, trying to reach over for her best friend's hand in turn.

Akira hesitated for a moment, staring directly at her, before forcing a smile. "Do what Ayase-san says, Ako-chan. I'll be fine."

"You mean you're going to... to do that thing?!" Ako squealed over the sounds of Negi and Kotaro being batted away again as they tried charging at the old man from different directions, and the growls of Chisame telling them to open a way for her to shoot at him with her sceptre. "But, but—!"

"Let's just go!" Yue said, already pulling the resisting pale girl through the door. Before fully doing so, however, she looked at her own best friend, who stood gulping and flipping through her cards. "That means you too, Nodoka!"

"Get ahead of me, Yue," Nodoka tightly said, finally finding The Create and beginning to write on it with trembling fingers. "I have to see if I can—!"

Squinting while grabbing Kotaro by the neck, the old man lunged directly at her, kicking the Create notebook out off her hands while slamming Kotaro onto Negi's head. "What are you trying to do, young lady?" he said, striking at her chest with an elbow, and sending her down with a violent gasp. "Don't tell me that's a Deathn–"

"NODOKA!" Yue came to a sudden halt right in the middle of the hall.

"YOU BASTARD!" Kotaro said as he jumped onto the man's back, holding onto him with sharp claws and then sinking his teeth onto a shoulder. Undeterred, the man simply jerked back to squash Kotaro against a wall, then waved a hand to blind Negi with a shower of sparkles from his fingers as the Welsh boy began to chant his magic activation.

"You are right, perhaps," the man aknowledged, taking advantage of Negi's momentary stumble to grab Kotaro by a shoulder, then slam him against the floor. "It seems, in the heat of the battle, I have forgot to treat a lady properly. Would you prefer, then, to simply smell a few flowers? My sincere gift," he smiled, producing several white lillies from his sleeve and then tossing them in the direction of Akira, Chisame, and the downed, coughing Nodoka, just as Yue and Ako rushed in to her side.

"What the—" Chisame began, before one of the flowers exploded to dust on her nose, and then she felt her whole body becomevery heavy and spent, er, _tired_ ; one moment later, she, Nodoka, Yue and Ako, not to mention Kero, plummeted onto the floor rolling their eyes and sleeping like babes.

Akira, who was slightly farther away from the man, managed to shield her nose with a forearm, then decided she had enough already. The boys seemed to be recovering already, Kotaro readying a punch while Negi pulled a small wand out, but she couldn't possibly stand doing nothing any longer. To hell with Minako's secrecy, at this rate she'd run out of friends before—

"ARGH?!" the old man suddenly screamed, taking a hand to his right eye, which, much to Akira and the boys' confusion, now was bleeding in all directions. To say nothing of how it had a knife's blade plunged down into its socket all of a sudden, confusingly enough. "WHO DARES?!"

"No one," a chillingly gruff voice came from behind him, while Akira, Kotaro and Negi now realized for some reason Tsunetsuki Matoi had simply appeared a couple of steps behind the intruder, with another knife in a hand and blood on the other, "attacks Chisame-sama while I'm near!"

"Matoi-san!" Negi said. "You were here?!"

Matoi nodded. "Not always, since I had been to the bathroom, but as soon as—"

"Look out!" Negi shoted, jumping onto the man and pushing him away just as he furiously lashed out for the person who had just injured him. He gritted his teeth and punched the man on the face as they tumbled down together, but that did little but bruise his knuckles. Easily, the old man pushed him off himself.

"Surrender, son of the Thousand Master," the old man commanded, standing over the choking and trembling boy he had just hit hard enough as to knock a normal man out for hours. "Don't make this any harder for either of us. Come with me, and I will even tell you what happened to your father."

That instantly rattled Negi out of his mild grogginess and into staring up at him with bloodhsot eyes. "What...?!"

"Mercury Crystal Power! Make-Up!" he heard then, right before a strong blueish light momentarily blinded them all, and then something kicked the intruder's back, sending him head first into the same couch she had flung Chisame onto when all of this had started.

"Very well, now who—" the man in black grunted while pulling himself back up.

"Vile miscreant who attacks little boys in the middle of the night! Er, in a non-sexual but still morally offensive manner!" the young, beautiful woman in a modified sailor fuku who had just appeared where Akira had been pointed a finger at him. "Unacceptable raider who, um, oh, never mind!" she blushed, ashamed of the nonsense she was babbling while the boys looked at her with curious eyes. How did Minako pull that crap out so often? "Sailor Mercury will punish you in the name of Mercury!"

"I see!" the man chuckled, fully rising and dusting himself off, his good mood renewed. "This is even better! I knew recruiting Jadeite was a good idea after all. And now I have got the perfect payment for him!"

"Jadeite...?" Sailor Mercury paused, recognizing the name and growing even more alert because of it.

Her shock was renewed by an even greater one when she saw five Kotaros abruptly leaping into the silver haired man from all directions, slashing at him with their claws.

"Oh ho ho!" the old man laughed, pulling the bloody knife out of his gore-caked eyesock and using it to skillfully hack and stab at the Kotaros angrily swarming all over him. "Shadow copies, a veritable mystery of the East! However—" Now he forcefully stabbed one of the Kotaros in the shoulder and twisted the blade in his flesh, making him howl in pain, "it's useless when one can spot the original this easily! You lack practice, boy!"

 _"Sagitta Magica!"_ Negi cried, shooting a single Light Arrow to a side of the man, forcing him to drop the wolfboy. As Kotaro rolled across the floor clutching his bleeding wound, the elderly man gave Negi a disappointed gaze.

"A single one?" he asked. "Seriously? Are you that afraid of hurting these insects around us?"

Negi sneered angrily. "More like I'm afraid of killing you before you can answer me!"

"Oh! Such bravado!" the man laughed. "A real son of the fool! I'm afraid, however," he added, easily stopping Kotaro's new attempt to rush him by planting a hand on his face and pushing him back, "your childish attempt to distract me has failed. Never mind these children! Attack me with all you've got! Or should we take this outside instead?"

"Don't mind me if I do!" Sailor Mercury shouted, thrusting her hands ahead, aiming them at him. "Mercury Exploding Bubbles!" she said, shooting a barrage of explosive bubbles that rattled the old man, making him stumble back and fall through the window...

"Whoa," Kotaro winced, again squeezing his reopened wound. "The chick's more badass than you, Four-Eyes."

"He's only faking it, though," Negi grimly declared, quickly stepping in between Akira and the window, readying his wand. _"Sagitta Magica, Series Aerialis!"_

And then, just as the grim visage peeked in again, a hand firmly gripping the window's frame, several arrows of magic flew from the wand, hitting the invader's scalp and face all over, causing him to hiss in great pain. Even so, he still endured, pulling himself inside swiftly, and leaping over to kick Negi's jaw, sending him rolling back against Sailor Mercury, downing them both for the moment. Then, just as Kotaro growled and hulked up, his massive hairy frame bursting through the carpet he had been wearing, the elderly gentleman easily moved towards him, grabbing his throat and easily squeezing it so hard it made the boy gasp in suffocation, his claws madly slashing around, trying to rip his opponent to pieces but being effortlessly kept at arm's lenght.

Right then, however, the intruder was startled again, when he felt something piercing him through the ribs. Casting an annoyed side glance, he saw Matoi seething as she sank her other knife into his mass, trying to push it in as deeply as it would go while Negi began trying to pull her back.

"Why," the old man wondered dryly, "do you keep doing this to me?" Easily, his fingers flickered across Matoi's forehead, instantly knocking her out, and he pulled her towards himself, her body slipping from between Negi's fingers.

"NO! Let her go, you—!" Negi protested, readying another spell before stopping himself, since the man was now holding Tsunetsuki close to his chest.

"I promised you nothing but a brief brawl, and I believe if anything I gave you far more than I offered," the tall man told him, his stare dark and unreadable. "I must be going right now, but I still will not leave this campus without you. We have your partners; if you want them back, then you must fight me for that right..."

"What?!" Negi yelled.

"Oh dear," Sailor Mercury paled, taking a hand to her mouth.

"So much for this whole gentleman nonsense..." Kotaro weakly coughed while rubbing his throat, still marked with deep red fingerprints.

"I will wait for you at the old abandoned mansion of the Aisakas, by the river," the old man solemnly said. "It's the second one on the left, not to be confused with the one where the school nurse lives. Take as many of your allies as you want, but none of Konoemon's lackeys, or you will never see your friends again. Be sure to show up before dawn, or else. Oh, and Princess Arcana," he added, "please stay out of it, will you? You know your mother would not approve."

"Princess Arcana?" a confused Negi said. "Who—"

"He means me, Sensei," a familiar, humorless voice said from the doorstep, and Negi allowed himself a brief back glance above his shoulder to see Mana standing at the doorstep, one gun in each hand, both trained over him and towards the man at the window. "Count Graf Wilhelm. I had a better notion of you than this."

"Thank the new management," the Count smiled, with no joviality and much bitterness. "New Hell just isn't what it used to be since _democracy_ was introduced. But alas, we will have to discuss that some another time," he added, leaping back into the night with Matoi's unconscious form, and disappearing into the darkness.

"Matoi-san!" Negi screamed, running to the window and trembling intensely. "No, no, no...! No..."

"I'm sorry I was late, Sensei," Mana said, lowering her weapons and walking in, shadowed by a shaken, almost tearful Shiho, who looked in nervousness at Kotaro, the sleeping girls and Sailor Mercury, one after another. "But I was trying to stop the creatures that were attacking Konoe and Kagurazaka's room. Sadly, I failed at that as well..." she added, lowering her head and shaking it. "What's been happening to me lately, I wonder? What is making me so much softer?"

"Eh?" Shiho babbled, then asked, "Oh, I get it, this is my fault too, isn't it?"

"I never said anything like that," Mana droned.

"But I can see you meant it," Shiho insisted, "That's just like you, always claiming Shiho's been making you weaker and softer, that looking after Shiho—"

"Not everything in the world revolves around you, Shiho!" an exasperated Mana snapped before reaching over to grab the numbed Negi by a shoulder and shake him. "Sensei, there's no time to dwell on what happened. We have to—"

"Akira-san," he said, absent and faraway, without looking back.

"Y-Yes?" Sailor Mercury blurted out instinctively, before clasping a hand tightly over her mouth.

Negi sighed, then said, "I imagined it. Although at first, for some reason, I didn't see it, and then I just didn't want to... like something was fogging my mind up, even though I had just seen it." He gently crouched down by Chisame's side to examine her vital signs carefully. "It-it was like, well, I was wondering where you had taken Akira-san to, and—" Now he sniffled and rubbed his nose, shaking his head to himself. "Never mind. That doesn't matter now, but we'll have a serious talk on the subject, after... after we've settled this."

Akira could only nod in silence, before following Negi's example and crouching down to check on Ako.

Mana then looked at Kotaro and calmly told him, "By the way, I'm sure Negi-sensei has some spare pants he can lend to you as soon as you shrink back."

"And the sooner the better, you weirdo!" Shiho shrieked, holding a nearby table lamp and using its screen to hide Kotaro's crotch from sight.

Kotaro scratched his head with a claw, speaking blandly. "Ah. Well, yeah, I guess there's that too... You wouldn't happen to have band-aids on you right now, by the way, would you? I think I'm making too much of a mess on Bookstore-neechan's floor..." he added, gesturing towards what flowed from his shoulder to the aforementioned floor.

A random thought struck Akira. Shouldn't Tuxedo Kamen-san have shown up by now? He usually seemed to...

 _Somewhere, Chiba Mamoru was busy sleeping, as it was his weekly 'actually go to sleep for more than 3 hours' night of the week, as suggested by his 'How To Be An Urban Vigilante In 52 Easy Lessons' correspondence course from Gotham._

* * *

"Are you sure they'll be fine?" Negi asked after tucking Chisame in the same bed bunk as Nodoka, carefully setting the bedsheets over their chests without actually touching the girls.

"Yes," Mana said as she came down from the upper bunk, where she had just placed Ako and Yue herself. Kero snored on the nightstand, blowing small snot bubbles out of his nose. "The sleeping dust from those flowers is strong, but hardly harmful. They should be up by dawn, conveniently enough."

"Yeah. Convenient, since this twerp can't get anything done without his girls," Kotaro grunted, as he finished buttoning up the shirt Negi had lent him, muttering about what was wrong with the buttons. Well, Kotaro thought it was a shirt. It was actually a blouse left over from the shopping trip before Kyoto. Negi figured the one it had been intended for wouldn't mind. "So, what are we gonna do now?"

"What were you doing here in the first place? You brought him along, didn't you?" Negi accused him coldly.

"Hardly!" Kotaro scoffed. "I'd never met that creep before tonight. The Kansai Elder sent me, actually. Said I had to deliver this bottle here to the Headmaster..." he explained, showing the small black bottle the Count had forgotten to retrieve during the fray and his subsequent escape.

"What for?" Negi asked while holding Yuuna's card against his forehead and trying to contact her telepathically. He winced after getting no answer. He tried summoning her. Bupkiss.

"They told me they had three little troublemakers, the Slime Sisters, imprisoned, but someone had sneaked into their headquarters and stolen the bottle. Then, on my way here, I was attacked outta nowhere by the old man. Doesn't take a genius to figure out they're in cahoots, right?"

"Of course not, that's why you could do it," Negi muttered, now trying with Haruka's card and getting no reply or student council official out of thin air either. He shuddered in frustration. "Oh God, why..."

"If you ask me, Sensei, Chisame's being a bad influence on you," Mana said, arms folded. "So, now what? According to procedure, the thing to do under the circumstances would be contacting the Principal without obeying a terrorist's commands."

"I don't feel that procedural tonight," Negi confessed while pocketing back Sora's card, which had been another failure. "Nothing! Not even Setsuna-san's! I... I only have one left..." he gulped, reaching down for it and placing it against his forehead with a loud gulp of dread.

A few moments later, however, his face lit up in happiness. "Ah! Misora!"

Mana smiled and nodded. "Of course. The Church has extra special measures set against any and all demons."

"So it burns you when you enter it?" Kotaro asked her.

"A little, but I've endured worse," Mana casually replied, ignoring the stunned glare Sailor Mercury was giving her at this, and instead looking down at the unfazed Shiho. "You're taking this better than I expected, Shiho."

"What, you being a demon, Oneesama?" the red-haired girl asked. "I always suspected, with the way you act and all that. And if you mean what happened to these people, well, not like I ever got to know them..."

A vein bulged up on Mana's forehead, and a moment later she was tugging on one of Shiho's cheeks. While the smaller girl shrieked in pain, Mana turned to Akira and said, "I would say it is time for you to call on your comrades, by the way."

"My... comrades, you mean..." Akira gasped before just nodding reluctantly. "I'll get on it," she said, meekly reaching for her communicator. "Oh, hm? Venus-chan? You still up? That's, that's good, great even, I guess, you see—"

* * *

Artemis probably was, all factors considered, treated as more of an equal partner by Minako than how Kerberos was treated by Nodoka, or even than how Chamo was treated by Negi, and possibly how Yuuno was treated by Nanoha, but not quite how Mesousa was treated by Itoshiki, and nowhere near how Asakura was treated by Nagato, and kinda like how Arf was treated by Fate and Hotaru. Which was not to say they were treated badly... at least not by Nodoka and Negi, though Nagato was being reasonably pleasant for someone driven insane by endless summer vacation she had tried to kill, but there always was the unsaid expectation in their relationships, that Kero, Chamo and Yuuno were the funny animal companion and enabler of pursuits not intended for actual children, while Artemis was more of an actual wiser guide _and_ enabler of pursuits not originally intended for actual children (traditionally, you needed to at least be in middle school, and was preferably a perfectly ordinary student, of the sort you could find anywhere).

After all, back in the Silver Millennium, he had worked with a young woman rather than a junior high teenager.

So, while Kero slept on a shelf, Yuuno slept on a desk (admittedly on top of a cushion, in the room of a loli who was a bit free when it came to changing her clothes) and Chamo slept in a drawer, Artemis had an actual small bed all to himself, though this wasn't much, since Asakura did too, and Arf got to sleep in an actual bed with two lolis (Mesousa slept in the oven with the gas on). And his own litterbox, while Chamo would always need to go outside when he needed to heed nature's call in the middle of the night. Yuuno and Arf got to use an actual toilet, though with some difficulty on the former's part, but Asakura had to suffer the indignity of having to use a baby's duck-shaped training potty (the less said about Mesousa's own bodily functions, the better. Rabbits were disgusting!). Then again, for Kero that wasn't a concern since his body processed all the sweets he consumed into magic, and he had no need for excretions.

The point of this digression is, when Minako's scream tore through the night, Artemis was sleeping on said cat bed, and so he didn't fall from a shelf or drawer, hurting himself in the process. Which was not to say his awakening was a pleasant one, regardless.

"YOU TOLD WHO WHAT?!-?!" Minako yelled, abruptly waking up not only Artemis, but also Ami, who had fallen asleep on the upper bunk with a book on Advanced Trigonometry between her hands, a muted buzzing coming from further down the bed. Mizuno-san bolted upright, with a faint shriek of her own, eyes snapping fully open.

"No, no, not the tentacles, anything but that!" she protested as a little drool trickled from the side of her motuh, before realizing Minako already on her feet and in full Sailor Venus regalia, grabbing a still half-dozing Artemis from his bed and lifting him in a way that was usually not reserved for wiser guides and equal partners. So maybe my point was less valid than I thought. Ami blinked. "Minako-chan, what...?" she mumbled, smacking her lips together as she reached of to the side. There was a click and the buzzing stopped as she sighed. It still took her a few moments to connect Sailor Venus with Minako each time she saw her roommate in her transformed state. That disguise spell sure was powerful.

"You had one job, Akira! One job!" Minako hissed as she stomped towards the window, roughly pushing it open and pulling the curtains aside. Before exiting, however, she paused, looked back at Ami, and answered her query, in a more subdued tone. "It was Akira-chan. Can you believe she let her SECRET identity slip?"

"I seem to remember," Artemis yawned, "some other girl who let her SECRET identity slip to a friend and roommate of hers, but I can't pin the name down right now..."

"Don't be a smartass, Artemis, this is different!" Minako said. "She let it be known to Negi-sensei!"

"Oh, you mean the most responsible and trustworthy teacher in the school?" Ami asked, sitting straighter so her legs dangled off the edge of the bunk.

"Yeah, and the one who is always surrounded by gossipy girls who squeeze everything out of him!" Minako huffed, planting a foot on the window's frame, ready to jump out. "And the one who is enough of a butt kisser as to tell everything to the other teachers, too!"

"Who would believe him anyway, Mina-chan?" Ami asked, carefully coming down from the bunk. Her friend only sighed and shook her head. Ami just didn't get the quirks and problems that came along with being a superheroine, did she?

"No one, since I'm going to make sure of it," she said, tensing up for the leap.

"Okay, just make sure not to kill him," Ami nodded.

"Tsk," Minako clucked her tongue before leaping into the night. "Sure thing, whatever. Don't wait up for us Ami-chan."

And she and the cat she carried along were gone.

With a sigh, Ami reached under her mattress and pulled out a magazine. That tentacle dream always left her feeling sexually confused, and with a strange attraction to energetic silvery-haired girls…

* * *

The cellphone on Yuuki Rito's nightstand rang to the happy tune of _Forever We Can Make It._

"Mrsh'mllow," Rito mumbled in his sleep.

The cellphone kept on ringing.

"Maaarshhh... mallooooowwww... likeeee... me like..." Rito yawned, smacking his lips together and then licking them all over.

The cellphone insisted, somehow even louder than before.

"Okay, I heard you, I'm going to—!" he angrily tried to get up, only to realize there was a very shapely and naked body right over his pajama clad form, and something very big and soft but that was not a marshmallow after all was dangerously near his mouth, and bathed in his saliva as well. His eyes bugged out, and he shrieked desperately like a girl who has just been groped in the subway.

* * *

"... wow," Shiho cringed as she twisted one finger into her aching ear, standing many steps away from Negi with the impassive looking Mana and the extremely nervous Sailor Mercury. "That's not the infamous _The Beast_ , is it?" she asked, pronouncing The Beast in perfectly mangled English instead of Japanese. "It's really some girl he's molesting, right?"

"Actually," Mana said, "I heard rumors he's just a wimp who stumbles and falls on girls a lot."

"Yeah, right," Shiho snorted. "As if anyone involved in a romantic relationship with that creepy classmate of yours could be a decent person, Oneesama."

"HARUNA-CHAN IS WHAT?-!-?-!" a vastly different sounding Rito, who now sounded more like a mad bear roaring for blood, was at that moment shouting into Negi's ear, making the boy mage wince and tremble.

"Um, well, you see, Yuuki-san," Negi feebly said, "Haruna's card is still functional, at least in the sense that it hasn't 'died' yet, so she should be okay, it's just it doesn't work to contact or summon her because, in my opinion—"

"SCREW YOUR OPINION, BRAT!-!-!" a howling Rito said, making a surprisingly acrobatic Dynamic Entry through the still open window, flung in by his request by Lala, who now floated right outside, suspended in the air by the wings of her poofy hat. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HARUNA-CHAN?-!"

"Sensei!" Akira gasped, as the foot of the newly arrived boy hit Negi across the jaw and sent him flying in a screwdriver trajectory through the room, finally landing on the very same shelf the Count had destroyed during the earlier fight.

"... that only worked because it was funny," Negi groggily said from the floor.

Kotaro blinked, looking back and forth between Negi and the fuming, seething Rito, and then gave the latter a grin and a thumbs up. "I have no idea who are you, but I already like you!"

"Can it!" Rito barked at him. "Are you in on this as well?! That's it, I knew it was never a good idea to let Haruna-chan get herself involved with this! I'm going to—"

Lala gently bopped his head with a mini-mallet from behind as she gently floated in, although how gently was open to debate since the casual impact had just made him fall on his face with a huge bump on his head. "Ritoooo! Please, don't start being the domineering macho type just because Haruna-chan got herself kidnapped! I'm sure she'll be okay!" Then she looked at Akira, Mana and Shiho and asked, surprisingly cold all of a sudden, "Where's Yue?"

The three girls pointed to the next room, and Lala swiftly moved there, almost as if she had just done an Instant Transmission trick instead of rushing there on her own feet. Shiho then looked up at Mana and asked, "And what was that stupid thing she was wearing?"

"YUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!" came Lala's despairing scream as she appeared just as suddenly on the doorstep, cradling Yue's unconscious body in her arms like she was in a pieta scene, or in some kind of parody of the Crisis of Infinite Earths Dead Supergirl cover. "Why, oh why, my Yue?! The righteous wrath of the Deviluke house will avenge you, Yue! I'm in despair! Your death has left me in despair!"

"Actually, she's only asleep," Mana pointed out.

"The rivers will run red with the fluids of your victimizers!" Lala swore. "They will know a kind of fury only the daughter of Gid can dispense!"

"Only knocked unconscious. Really," Shiho insisted.

Lala's eyes burned. "Harmageddon! Destruction! Twilight! Death to all who hamper my precious! Ravaged grounds, rage from the skies! Deviluke! Deviluke!"

"They're right, Lala-sama," Peke said from the goofy hat, "I can read her life signs from here, and she's all—"

"Deviluke! Deviluke! The consort princess, taken from us far too young, shall be avenged!" she began sobbing, her knees faltering. "Yue...! It's my own fault, I should have been there, sleeping with you and Rito, to protect you both...!"

"No, really, you didn't have to..." Rito said as he rose from the floor.

"Maybe we can rebuild her! We have the technology!" Lala babbled. "Yes, this is nothing that can't be repaired by the miracles of science! Cybernetics will only make her insides cold and metallic, but her skin will keep being just as silky and fresh!"

"Okay, this is already creepier than the old guy," Kotaro decided. "Who is this wacko anyway?"

Yue mumbled in her sleep, reached for a book from a surviving shelf, and hit Lala's head with it. "Why me too?!" Peke whined.

Then Lala stopped sobbing and brightened up, hugging the groaning, still unconscious Yue. "My dear! You're ALIVE!"

"She likes Yue better than Haruna, doesn't she?" Negi guessed while rubbing his jaw.

"Who wouldn't?" Mana wondered aloud.

Rito just shot them ice cold glares. He opened his mouth to say something, but Lala beat him to the punch. "Then, I'm glad those other three friends of yours are still alive as well, Sensei!"

Negi blinked. "That's the extent of your feelings for Nodoka-san, Lala-san?"

"Well..." Lala hummed, then said, back to a strangely cold tone, "I have to admit I don't really like her subtly possessive attitude towards Yue, Sensei."

"B-but, Haruna-san and Yuuki-san, and you, well..." a confused Negi began.

Lala laughed. "Oh, Sensei, that's different! Haruna is a _generous, sharing_ soul!"

"... Hm, okay, well, she is, but— Never mind, I'm just glad you're both okay. I brought you because I thought you had a right to know," the boy teacher sighed, forgetting to mention he only had thought that after Mana had pressured him on the subject. He placed Misora's card against his forehead again. "Misora-san? Are you ready now? I'm bringing you in."

 _A-All ready, dressed up, equipped, and the dummies are under the blankets, Negi-kun,_ Misora's voice gulped in his mind. _D-Do it now... if you want, that is, if you feel I am need—_

"All right," he said as he activated the teleportation feature. "Wait, did you say 'dummies', as in plu—"

Then Misora appeared before them, firmly keeping Cocone in her arms and hugged against herself. The Mysterious Sister, for she was wearing the white mask, swallowed audibly while Negi blinked several times. "Cocone-chan? Why did you come along too? _How_ did you come along to? I didn't know you could do that!"

"Sensei," Cocone calmly answered, "Please remember a Ministra can bring artificial objects during the summoning procedure, which is the reason why they can be brought over with the clothes they are wearing at the time."

"A teleporting process that can _bring_ clothes along with the user? What a novel idea!" an intrigued Lala said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. Rito's head grew a huge drop of sweat.

"I-I know that, but—" Negi then paused. "Oh. That's right, I'd forgotten. Your body—"

"My current body is only an artificial lifelike creation I inhabit so I can exist in this world," Cocone nodded. "That's why I can be brought along as long as Misora holds me firmly. As for why I decided to come, other than the fact Misora falls apart without me..."

"I don't, and I don't know any Kasuga Misora or any Misora period!" Misora protested, nervously eyeing Kotaro and Sailor Mercury while tightening her mask against her face. "I have no name but The Mysterious Sister!"

"... you are short in partners currently, Sensei," Cocone kept on explaining, "other than these wild cards, apparently, so I thought..."

"Wait, wait, what gave you the impression this was a partner?" asked Misora, sorry, The Mysterious Sister, pointing at Kotaro. "They've only captured him after he helped the new bad guy kidnap the others, right?"

"Ah, no, actually... well," Negi eyed Kotaro suspiciously all of a sudden, "he seemed to be in direct conflict against the kidnapper as well, and claims having been sent by the Kansai Elder, although I don't fully discard that being a staged farce just yet..."

"Hey, asshole, I even have a letter on me from the old man proving it!" Kotaro growled. "Or, um, well, I had it on me before losing all my clothes. I think it must be somewhere out there, at the side of the road..."

"I'm sure it is," Negi flatly said.

"Oh, like I care what you think about me, Four Eyes!" Kotaro shot back.

"Regardless," Negi smoothly turned his attention back to The Mysterious Sister and Cocone, "I will be taking him with me—"

"Us," Sailor Mercury helpfully interjected.

"— to face that Count character again, since there's a slight chance he might prove useful against him despite already losing twice in a row to him," Negi explained.

"I've been having an off night, that's all!" Kotaro protested.

The Mysterious Sister blinked. "Okay. Um, sure, if, if you're okay with it, so am I, I guess... ehhhhh... and what about her?" she pointed a thumb towards Sailor Mercury.

"Misora-san, you can trust me," the Sailor Senshi said, with a hand on her own chest. "You see, I am—"

"I'm not Kasuga Misora, whatever gave you that impression!" The Mysterious Sister shrieked.

"— your classmate, Ookuchi Aaaaaaakkkkk—!" Sailor Mercury stumbled forward waving her arms as someone else made a Dynamic Entry through the same window as before, kneeing her in the back and holding a clearly uncomfortable white cat under an arm.

"For Pete's sake, put it on the school newspaper already, will you?!" the blonde, leggy newcomer said angrily, before remembering the proper protocol and hastily falling into a daring, sexy pose. "How are you all doing?" she asked the rest. "Never mind about what my currently-brainwashed-by-the-enemy teammate might have told you to disorient you, fair citizens! In truth, we have no names but those given to us by the Moon Princess! We are the Sailor Senshi who fight for Love and Justice! I am Sailor Venus... and I'll punish all evil (not to mention all those who blow whistles that shouldn't be blown) in the name of Venus!"

Here she smirked and winked, while gesturing cutely with a hand around the winking eye. Everybody else in the room just stared blandly at her.

Sailor Venus' smile drooped. "No really. I have no name but Sailor Venus."

"I have no name but The Mysterious Sister!" The Mysterious Sister said, nodding quickly for some reason.

"See?" Venus told the recovering Mercury, who was cracking her spine back into shape with a grimace. "This girl gets it, even though it's painfully clear she's just that classmate of yours who is in Track and Field..."

"I've never competed in the glorious Mahora Track and Field Team!" The Mysterious Sister claimed.

"..." Sailor Venus said, dropping the cat, ignoring his loud meow of pain on impact, and then shooting Negi an icy glare. "Okay, then. What's the grave situation with the Dark Agency that demands the attention of those only named Sailor Venus and Sailor Mercury?"

"Shouldn't you try to free your teammate from the enemy's evil mind control first?" Mana dryly snarked.

"... I'm going to ignore that question from someone who obviously don't know the differences between mercenary work and superhero work," Venus decided, and kept on staring pointedly at Negi. "Well?"

"Ah, well, you'll see..." he gulped. "Maybe, maybe I should explain along the way, since we've got a deadline and..."

"Then," Cocone quietly said, "maybe I should get to the point before more interruptions arise. Negi-sensei, would you make a contract with me?"

 _Somewhere, Kyubey sneezed._

 _Somewhere else, Chamo had a dark and horrible feeling, like he was missing out on something._

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Asuna was coming back to her senses only to realize she was outdoors, under a pouring rain, and apparently at the middle of the large backyard of some old, dilapidated manor. She was also being suspended in midair inside of a strange construction that held her by her arms and legs thanks to thick cords of rope; but at least the construction's shape shielded her from the worst of the rain. Judging from the position of the Moon in the sky, barely visible through the rain and clouds, which she had learned to read from during her ill fated stay with the Girl Scouts trying for her Lunar Cultists Badge, she judged it was just past midnight.

And she also was in racy, frilly and skimpy white lingerie, corset and stockings included, that were not definitely what she had been wearing under her pajamas when she was assaulted. That had been some perfectly sensible and decent underwear she had been wearing at that time. With bear prints on it.

"What the hell?!" Asuna screamed. "Why am I dressed like this?!"

"Oh, look, she's awake now. I told you we should have gagged her," said a blond bishounen who sat a few feet away, playing chess with some creepy old guy who looked kind of like Christopher Lee in solid black. And a bloody patch over an eye.

"Oh, she is indeed," the old man smiled affably, lifting his gaze from the board. "Welcome to our temporary humble abode, Princess. I apologize over the choice in garments, but if you dislike them, you should discuss it with Mrs. Melona. She argued that was the best dress choice for a damsel in need of rescue."

"And I told you one doesn't bother playing dress-up with hostages," the younger looking man shook his head while studying the board intently. "One just traps them in crystals while sucking up their life energy. That's just plain, basic common sense!"

"Ignore that one, Asuna-chan," Haruna's voice came to her. "I think he's gay."

"I'm not!" Jadeite indignantly growled, half turning around to stare swords (bigger than daggers) at Haruna. "I have a girlfriend and everything!"

 _... well... had one... I think... back in the Silver Millennium... but that still counts, damn it!_ he thought while turning his attentions back to the game.

"Yeah, because a straight man wouldn't be looking in this direction right now," Haruna argued from where she was with most Ala Alba girls and those of the SOS Brigade within a massive transparent bubble, hanging in the air above the grass in the other direction across from Asuna, all of them naked as jaybirds, making Asuna gag in shock. Konoka was with them as well, although still as clothed as the last time Asuna had seen her. "I mean, even Despair-sensei and Kei-sempai are!"

"We are not! We're gentlemen!" Itoshiki and Keiichi, fully clothed as well, which Asuna vaguely thought terribly unfair, chorused from within another, smaller bubble close to the biggest one, keeping their hands firmly clasped over each others' eyes. Not too far, inside of even smaller bubbles, there were a bound and gagged Setsuna and a bound, gagged, blindfolded, chained, straight-jacketed and hogtied Matoi... oh, and a sniffing Chamo who rolled along like a hamster caught in its wheel, madly trying to roll his bubble towards the nude girls'.

"Oh, really. How many fingers I am holding here?" Haruna flipped them the bird.

"Saotome-san!" the men chorused then. "This is no moment to be rud—!"

Then, silence, as most of the nude girls kept pressing their hands even further against their own respective crotches and breasts.

"His fingers slipped," Keiichi offered, pointing with his chin towards the teacher as best as he could.

"He evilly moved his fingers away just enough for me to be branded as much of a pervert as he is!" Itoshiki threw him to the lions.

"Traitor!" Keiichi growled.

"Sempai..." Sora weakly whimpered while Skuld darkly mumbled under her breath.

"Anyway, Asuna," Misa sighed, "at least count yourself lucky you're still wearing anything!"

"Yeah, well, but at some point these perverts had to strip me down to get me into this stupid sexy getup!" Asuna protested.

"Well, technically they're right when they say they didn't do it," Sakurako pointed out. "They were actually still inside while a woman stripped you down and then put you in that lovely lingerie."

"Oh, well, I guess that's somewhat better," Asuna allowed.

"It was a woman with bunny ears, wearing a tiny French maid outfit, touching you all over with slimy pink tentacles," Suzumiya Haruhi reminisced with a goofy lecherous smile, drooling slightly as Makie shuddered in disgust.

"THEN SCREW IT, THAT WASN'T ANY BETTER AT ALL!" Asuna screamed. "Just let us go already, freaks of nature! And— wait, wait," her attention returned to Haruhi, "What are you guys doing here as well?"

"We, we, we just happened to be in the same bath as them!" that busty Sempai with the mole who always hung with the Suzumiya weirdo sobbed, pointing at Negi's companions and then sniffling.

"Figures," Asuna groaned. "Okay, Iinchou, and where are the others? Negi, Chisame, Misora, the Vice Prez?"

"Hmmm?" Ayaka blinked, snapping out from something that definitely was not staring at Asuna's scantily clad curves. She quickly recomposed herself. "Ah, we aren't sure yet, but I'm sure our fearless Negi-sensei remains free, ready to rescue us at any time! As for Suzushiro-sempai, I remain confident she also will prove resilient enough as to escape capture from these—"

"I'm here, with one of them," coldly said a short blond girl in tight black, stepping out of the mansion with an unconscious, spiral-eyed Haruka easily slung over a shoulder, despite being much smaller than the Vice President of the Student Council. "However, the church has proven to be— be—" Then all words failed her, as she came to an abrupt halt, and her face paled as she took in the sight of the backyard and its prisoners.

"Oh, but if it isn't the cutie from Kyoto!" Haruna remembered her instantly. "Good to thing you've loosened up, girl! Missed me so much you had to come here for me?" she winked, blowing a kiss to her.

The stunned Golden Darkness dropped Haruka unceremoniously as a sack of potatoes, then turned all of her hair and her upper extremities into a cornucopia of sharp blades. Emiya Shirou would probably have fallen in love on the spot. Probably. "What... What... What is the meaning of this... of this... of this _ECCHI_?!" she roared to the Count Graf Wilhelm and Jadeite, her eyes turning dangerously red as she pointed accusingly at Haruna. "This wasn't in the employment agreement! I specified no ecchi! You will be hearing from my lawyers!"

* * *

While Negi _and_ The Mysterious Sister began to violent choke on their own saliva, and even Shiho had a cartoonishly red flush quickly going up her face, filling it, Sailor Venus looked back and forth between them and Cocone, confused. "What? What's the big deal about a little girl asking for a contract? It just means she watched too many legal dramas because someone wasn't being a good enough guardian, right?"

"I'm the darn best guardian a child could ask for!" The Mysterious Sister cried, her arms waving up and down. "And, and between mages a contract is a totally different thing, you ignorant allegedly-magical girl, you!"

"Misora-san, please, calm down..." Sailor Mercury tried to plead.

"Stop mistaking me for that person already, whoever you are!" The Mysterious Sister kept on snapping.

Rito sighed. "Venus-sama, a 'contract' or 'alliance' or 'Pactio', between mages, is a link established, normally through a kiss, between an evil, girlfriend-snatching black mage feigning cute innocence and a poor misguided and actually innocent girlfriend of someone else, which grants the girlfriend some magical powers and-slash-or artifacts to fight with." Then he awkwardly placed a small notebook and a pencil in her hands, and meekly asked, "You're the actual Sailor Venus-sama, right? Ah, well, hm, my little sister is a big fan. Could you please write 'for Mikan-chan' for her, pretty please?"

Minako blinked. "Oh. Sure thing. Anything for a fan!" As she wrote the autograph down, she stared evilly at Artemis. "You never mentioned magic users could do that!"

"... it's not something Magical Girls are supposed to do," Artemis told her. "Look, a Mahou Shoujo and a Ministra Magi are completely different things!"

Kotaro looked at Rito and asked him, "So, you're the egghead's cuck, then? Which one's your girlfriend? It's not the really pretty and strong Nee-san with bells in her hair, is she? 'Cause I can't see someone like her and someone like you—"

"I'm not taking that sort of lip from a kid wearing a little girl's blouse!" the still upset Rito told him, before taking the notebook back from Venus and bowing to her. "Thank you so very much, ma'am!" he humbly said now.

"Geez, don't call me 'ma'am', you'll make me feel old... and I'm way younger than you...!"

"What's a cuck, I don't recognize that term— Oh, that doesn't matter now!" Negi tossed his hands up. "Cocone-chan, I can't believe you're asking for that right now!"

"It wouldn't be the first time we've kissed," Cocone pointed out.

"EEEEEH?!" Shiho, Rito, Akira and Minako yelled all at once.

"Kids nowadays," Artemis shook his head. "They don't even show some token surprise when they hear a cat start talking. At least they could've pretended! Way to make a guy feel less special..." he had descended into fully ignored mumbling by this point. "I'm in despair! My being treated as perfectly normal and unremarkable has left me in despair!"

"It was, it was a Christmas party, and they happened to walk under the mistletoe, that's all!" The Mysterious Sister wailed, her eyes spiralling. "But anyway, you never mentioned you were going to do this, Cocone-chan!"

"Of course not, then you wouldn't have brought me along," her partner matter-of-factly said. "But you need some extra help right now, Sensei. All your Ministra but Misora (who's practically useless) have been put out of comission, you can't contact the authorities without endangering them, and it seems these people hate you too much to be of much help..."

"I suppose all of those are valid points," Rito reluctantly admitted.

"Although I'm well used to working with people I hate just fine," Kotaro pointed out. "Lovable fellows don't abound in my business, you know? The one guy who was blew up the moon and went to become a teacher."

"I don't even know who you're supposed to be! Why do you act as if I'm supposed to?!" Rito asked.

"Will you two please stop bickering and let us concentrate on the actual, serious subject at hand?!" an exasperated Negi told the other boys. "Anyway, Cocone-chan, that's awfully nice of you, but I'm not going to endanger you as well by... will you please start listening to me already?" he said as Cocone finished drawing a glowing circle on the floor between them with a piece of chalk. Minako and Akira were softly cooing in awe at the sight, even after all they had seen during their battles.

"I apologize. I suppose that's a bad trait in a Ministra. I'll try supressing it in the future, then," Cocone told Negi.

"You even know how to draw one! Why?!" The Mysterious Sister panicked. "Don't tell me you, you were, this whole time—!"

"Yes, I was actually paying attention. And actually, I was planning to establish a contract with someone else, but that someone else never got any of the clues I kept on throwing their way," Cocone said.

The Mysterious Sister blinked. "You were?! Wow, that person was an idiot, then. How could they ignore a sweet and smart kid like you?"

"... beats me," Cocone said.

"... dudette," Kotaro told The Mysterious Sister. "I've just been thrown into this, and I already can see the kid means—"

Without blinking, Cocone threw the chalk back over her shoulder and hit Kotaro's mouth with it before he could finish the sentence. The Mysterious Sister blinked in confusion at this, then told Cocone, "Anyway, sweet and smart or not, I don't think you should be forcing yourself on Negi-kun like GAAAAAAAAKKKKK!" she screamed as she saw Cocone pulling a reluctant but silent Negi into the circle with herself, then leaning forward and slightly up to place a small but very noisy 'CHU!' on his lips.

"... this goes into the blackmail book," Shiho droned, taking a picture of the ensuing flash, or rather what was happening within it, with her flash-proof special experimental cellphone magic app. Whatever else could be said about Konoe Konoemon, he was not one to skimp on resources even for the juniors and apprentices in his staff.

"It's moments like these that give me hope for the time and effort I've invested in you," Mana approved, patting her octopus head almost motherly.

The Mysterious Sister was still half-bristling, half-wheezing by the time Cocone finally pulled her face from the stunned Negi's, easily catching the card that had just appeared in the air in her small hand. Then, wordlessly, the small nun held it high for everyone to see.

It showed her wearing her short skirted habit, with white stockings but no shoes, and leaping dynamically, yet with a complete lack of any dynamic expression on her face. She held a gold cross in one hand, and under her image, it read _Cocone- Silentium Lingua_.

The Mysterious Sister raised an eyebrow. "Why... Why only one name, though?"

Cocone half-heartedly shrugged.

The eyebrow began twitching. "Don't tell me you aren't really a 'Fatima Rosa'!"

"Okay, I won't."

As The Mysterious Sister just hissed in extreme frustration, Negi finally reacted, putting a hand on his mouth. "Oh God! Oh God, what have I done, I should have... Cocone-chan, this was WRONG!"

"Why?" Cocone simply asked.

"It shouldn't have happened!" Negi protested. "It was a bad, foolish thing to do!"

"Is it because I'm black?" Cocone asked, tilting her head aside.

Negi's eyes shrank. "Bweh?"

"Come to think about it," Rito mused aloud, "All your partners so far have been fair skinned, haven't they?"

"What are you trying to imply?!" Negi cried.

"Two of them are aristocratic blondes with green or blue eyes, even," Shiho reminisced, folding her arms. "I'm not trying to outright say anything, but..."

"Then please don't!" Negi gasped.

"Is there anything bad with being a blue-eyed blonde?" Sailor Venus coldly asked.

Kotaro clucked his tongue and shook his head. "Gaijin. Always generalizing against other people! That's so racist!"

"Realize what you're saying! You're being just as racist as m— No, I'm not racist!" Negi said. "Many of my best friends are black! Like, um, ahh, there was this girl I graduated with, I can't remember her name right now, and come to think about it she was Indian, rather, but still! She was a good friend!"

Lala frowned, folding her arms under her breasts. "For shame, Sensei, for shame. I thought far better of you before this..."

Negi seemed especially devastated by this latest remark. "Deviluke-san! Not you too, please!"

There was a short silence as Negi just stood there, on the brink of tears, before everyone just decided to take pity on him and abruptly change the topic. "Okay, so, um," Kotaro rasped, "we should be going right now, shouldn't we? Wimpy here will stay to look after the Neesans, and the rest of us—"

"Actually," Mana said, "I will be staying. Not only was the man was clear he didn't want actual staff members on the scene, and I am one of those, but in the event more like him show up to claim the others, Yuuki-sempai would hardly be in any shape to fight them alone. Besides, no one has paid me to go along with you yet. As a smart man once said, if you're good at something, never do it for free."

Shiho nodded. "Well said, Oneesama! Between you and me, we should—"

Mana interrupted her. "On the other hand, you should go with them, Shiho. You're just an apprentice, not an official staffer. And the experience should do you good, should you survive it."

Shiho's pigtails all stood up. "ONEE-SAMA!"

 _Somewhere, Shirai Kuroko sneezed._

Mana calmly looked at Artemis. "You agree with me, don't you, Neko-san? It'd be in Shiho's best interests to go along you..."

"I don't see how! At all!" Shiho shrieked.

"Now you know how I feel," Negi muttered.

Artemis blinked. "Why, why do you say that? Ohhh... I see..." he finally said, after seeing something in Mana's eyes that none of the others could see, much to their collective confusion. He nodded. "You're perceptive. Yeah, Minako, she's right! We should take this girl with us!"

"Who are you talking to, there's no Minako here!" Venus protested. "Who was the one always being so uptight about the whole secret identity thing, anyway?! Do you know how many potential boyfriends I lost because of that?"

"I don't want any talking animals to be taking decisions on my future!" Shiho added her own protest, but then as usual Mana just stared her into mute submission. "... eeeep..."

"And I'm going, anyway!" Rito firmly said.

"You?" Kotaro snorted. "What are you going to do, beat the bad guys up with your Pokemon and Star Trek cards? Throw your housekeys at them? I've eaten sandwiches with more meat than what you have in those bones!" he laughed while rolling a sleeve up and showing his own firm, sleek muscle.

"Crass as his way of saying it is, he might be sort of right, Yuuki-san," Negi nodded. "Until the Master finishes your support training, you would only be a liability and a danger to yourself, in the battleground..."

"But I can't just sit here waiting while Haruna-chan is in danger!" Rito said. "What kind of man would I be then?! No way! I'm not sitting idle while my girlfriend needs me! No matter the risks, I'll take them for Haruna-chan! And that's it!"

Kotaro hummed. "On the other hand... I think I like you again! Even if you're a weakling, at least you'll be a man where it counts! You won't stay behind girls hoping for them to do your job for you, unlike some other people!"

"As soon as this is over," Negi coldly promised, "I swear on my honor I will be taking you one on one..."

"Taking your word on it, nerd!" Kotaro pointed at him, with a winning smile. "There's no going back on it now!"

"Just as planned, right?" Shiho observed, then told Rito, "Anyway, Sempai, if you're so set on fighting, why don't you get yourself a Pactio?"

Negi and Rito blanched at the suggestion, then abruptly walked away from each other.

Lala pouted. "So you're homophobic besides being racist, Sensei? Well, even if that's the case, I happen to have a device that would transform Rito into a girl, if that makes you both feel—"

"IT DOESN'T! IN THE SLIGHTEST!" both boys hurried to yell, before Negi added, "And I'm no racist! Or homophobe!"

"Okay, then," the annoyed Shiho said, "Then how about the nuns..."

"Gah! Gross!" The Mysterious Sister made a blocking 'X' with her arms before her face.

"Why not one of you?" Cocone asked Shiho and Mana.

"Not even if you paid me," Mana stoically said.

"How much money are we talking about here? Because that's no problem for me..." Lala began.

"Not even for all the money in the world. I make no Pactios, with anyone, never, no matter what," Mana matter-of-factly stated. "And what kind of girlfriend offers to pay for her boyfriend to kiss another woman, anyway?"

"I'm not his girlfriend, I'm his fiancee," Lala said with no trace of sarcasm or irony.

"If she's his girlfriend, why can't she just kiss him so we're done with this nonsense?" Minako mumbled, gesturing towards the pink-haired young woman.

"It won't really work if she's not a magic user, or at least a chi user," Shiho explained. "And I'm not doing it either, I have a boy I like and like hell I'm kissing a man other than him. Why not you two, then? You're still magical! Maybe it'll work!"

"Yeah, well, sorry, sister, but we're in the same boat. Right now, I have another boy I really want to settle with, and I'm not going to cheat on him," Venus rejected the offer.

"You don't even know his real name or intentions or place of residence or—" Akira started.

"Look, I know he's the one, right?!" Minako snapped. "Why don't you do it instead?"

Akira blushed adorably. "But, but I couldn't, it's just plain wrong to kiss someone you don't even know, and who is the boyfriend of a classmate..."

"Finally, someone with common sense on this room!" Rito threw his hands up, thanking the Heavens.

Then Negi walked back through the hole in the wall, holding a box he had just brought from his living quarters. He opened it, pulled a pair of ancient looking handguns, and placed them in Rito's hands. "Have you ever shot at the county fair, Yuuki-san?" he asked.

"Eh? Ah, actually, I'm very fine at those games, I've actually won a lot of prizes for Mikan, but that's surely not the same—"

"These aren't as good as the ones Yuuna-san uses, but they still shoot trusty stun magical bullets, and they helped me... somewhat... when I first fought Evangeline-san. As long as you keep yourself behind Deviluke-san you should be okay, although I still believe you should stay and—"

"I said I'd take my risks!" Rito huffed, adjusting the guns' holder around his waist. "Okay, everything's settled now, right? So let's go!"

"By the way, if you break those, you owe me a small fortune."

"Just one moment, please," Sailor Mercury meekly said. "Negi-sensei, these... these 'alliances' you get from kissing people... um, by now, how many girls, how many have, have you and—"

"Counting me, he's just reached fourteen," Cocone plainly said.

Akira's face grew bright red, and she began choking in her saliva. "F-Fo-Fo-Fourteen?!"

Negi, horribly embarrassed, lowered his gaze and nodded in shame.

Akira abruptly turned around and ran out of the room bawling. "NEGI-SENSEI, YOU PERVERT...!"

"..." the others said.

One moment later, Akira walked back sniffling and rubbing the tears off her face with the back of a glove. Sweatdrops abounded. "Okay, I'm, I'm okay now. I think. Good enough to go save Maki-chan and Yuuna-chan, I bounce back easily, I'm stronger than, than, and, and— You didn't kiss Maki-chan too, did you?!" she screamed at Negi.

The child cringed. "Ah, no, actually, not her!"

Akira sighed in relief. "That's good. She's so innocent, and pure, she—"

"She did kiss with Skuld-san instead, tho'," The Mysterious Sister said.

Akira began growing red and making incoherent frantic sounds again, greatly scaring Negi and Artemis.

Minako gave Misora a truly weirded glance. "What kind of strange fetishistic club are you guys into, anyway?"

"You know, of late I've been wondering that a lot, myself..."

* * *

Nagato Yuki easily blocked out the noise around her to concentrate on touching the bubble's surface, slowly sliding her fingers across it looking for a spot to exploit for an eventual escape. As she did, she was well aware of the nervous way Asahina Mikuru was discreetly looking at her, but she ignored that too. There were far more troubling concerns at hand.

At first, she only had wanted to get a precise reading of the situation. An immediate escape was not in her plans. She figured, the way events habitually took place, Negi Springfield and Inugami Kotaro could handle this themselves. And she was sure somewhere, in his unconscious, Kyon-san was deriving some slight measure of basic male pleasure from it all. Which she supposed he had earned after so many iterations of being at the other end of the stick.

Yet she was now realizing that, when it came to altering and exploiting the structure of this bubble keeping them captive, her protocols had been denied. Someone in the Data Overmind had obviously learned well from past experiences, and did not want to run the risk of Nagato growing attached enough to mankind to help them any more than strictly necessary. However, she had decommissioned Asakura Ryoko herself and kept her locked up in a coffee mug, so that could only mean—

Nagato looked into the dark depths of the old backyard, and close to the once-flowering plots Aisaka Sayo had once cared after, where now only wild weeds grew, she saw, for a fleeting moment, the image of a girl in a Mahora High uniform with long light green hair standing hidden while looking coldly at her. Kimidori Emiri. Of course.

Nagato just nodded, conceding this round graciously. This would be a problem in the future, most likely. It could mean Kimidori had definitely outranked her, overall, when it came to the Mahora jurisdiction. Didn't they trust her that much anymore?

It occurred then to Yuki she perhaps was thinking of the situation in far too human terminology, so probably the Overmind's upper control echelon was correct.

Stupid endless summer. It was all that stupid eternal summer's fault!

"It's all my fault, sorry, I control the water, if I had been in that bath with you, I could have saved you, or not, because I'm so incompetent.." a nightrobe clad Kaga Ai lamented, stuck between Haruna and Yuuna, both of whom were more annoyed by her constant whining than by the sounds of Golden Darkness beating up, then throwing Jadeite aside before personally confronting the Count himself.

Facefirst on the grass, twitching, Jadeite weakly croaked, "H-How could this be...? I'm a Dark Kingdom General, for Beryl's sake!"

The Count only smiled as Golden Darkness held a blade arm to his throat, apparently finding her terribly amusing. "What is the problem, my dear? I seem to recall you had wanted to see your perceived nemesis in our power. Why are you so upset over seeing her here now?"

"Maybe she wanted to get her hands on me herself?" Haruna wondered aloud. Then she winked at Yami. "Don't be mad, Goldie, you can still do it! Just shed that nifty black number and get in here with me," she purred, making room for her. "There's still enough space by me, and the dress code isn't an issue..."

"It's not that!" Yami growled, her face flushed. "But I don't work with ecchi. And you have all these women naked or in their underwear, and that's definitely ecchi!" she pressed on, literally, in the case of the blade that nearly was cutting into the demon's flesh now.

"Oh, so it's about that," the Count said. "Well, don't worry about it. Rest assured there's nothing sexual about this for me. I'm not even of the same species as they are!"

"Neither am I, and I still wanna get in that bubble so much!" Chamo cried, still trying to roll closer to no avail.

Yami nodded firmly. "He has a point there. I've seen far too many cases of non-humans wanting humanoids for ecchi purposes."

"You can't argue with that, as anyone who has ever watched a tentacle hentai knows," Haruhi nodded.

"Oh please," the Count sneered, taking a hand to his chin and then pulling the skin up. Everyone in the bubble, even Haruna, cringed back at the sight of the layer of flesh being tugged off revealing the hideous features of a horned beast with glowing red eyes. Sora even fainted. Only Haruhi only chewed on her lower lip, her eyes growing starry.

"Kinky..."

At this point even Mikuru had enough of that and let out something she had wanted to say for a long, long, long, long, long, long, did we mention long?, long, long, long time now. "What the hell's wrong with you?!"

Yami didn't even flinch. "What about it? That doesn't prove anything. If something, the uglier and more inhuman, the more perverted they are. Have you heard of the stories of... _Happosai?_ "

"Grandfather was a good and kind man who taught me everything I know and believe!" Haruna cried. Yami and the count stared at her in horror.

Haruhi nodded again. "Again, you show a surprising knowledge of how these things work, Imouto-chan. I'm impressed. How many times have you been with a—"

"Shut up!" Yami commanded. Good gods, but perhaps this woman was even far worse than the one they called Saotome Haruna. A truly scary thought if there ever was one.

"That's why, for all my evil, there is no perverted intent in this pinnacle of beauty," Jadeite said, now sitting on the grass and tossing some perfect hair back like a male model. Yami, without turning back, just kicked him in the face.

"I don't think you have to worry about them in any case, Miss," Itoshiki casually said. "I'm sure they're both gay."

"What the—?!" Jadeite shook a fist angrily at him. "I've told you already, I'm not gay!"

"I do think the gentleman doth protest too much, don't you, Morisato-san?" the lanky teacher asked Keiichi.

The younger man sweated ice. "Sensei, do you want to die...? Oh, no, wait, dumb question."

Yami raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Well, I will admit they both look the part..."

"Why do you all keep saying that?!" Jadeite screamed. "I'm not gay! Whatever gave you the impression I wasn't perfectly straight, other than not wanting to look at underage human flesh?!"

"Well, you couldn't look more fab-u-lous if you tried," Haruna opined.

Jadeite was at a loss about that. "... was that intended to be praise?"

"Then, are you a cake eater?" Misa said. "My parents are all but divorced! And my mom's hot, as anyone related to mine would be! What do you say, you let me out of here and I hook you up with—"

"No! What kind of pathetic attempt to win me over is that?!" Jadeite said.

"See? Gay. As gay as they come," Itoshiki said.

"It's not that I have anything against gays, two of my best friends are gays, well, more like we're colleagues and they're always trying to backstab me, but being gay or not doesn't have anything to do with that!" Jadeite ranted. "Still, I'm not gay, and why should I stand being called gay if I'm not gay?!"

"That's such a gay thing to say," Itoshiki said.

"RRRRRRRR!"

Yami lowered her blade. "Okay, you've convinced me. You're gay."

"I'M NOT!"

"Them being gay doesn't mean they couldn't be setting this up as an ecchi way to film us naked for the enjoyment of straight men willing to pay for it, however," Sakurako piped in.

"That's true," Yami nodded, and placed her blade back at the throat of the Count, who by now simply rolled his eyes mildly annoyed. "Ecchi is still ecchi no matter the motivation."

"This bores me, young lady," the Count casually swatted her sharp instrument aside, not hard enough as to make her reel back or anything. He pulled the mask of humanity back down and said, "Everyone is innocent until otherwise proved, is not that right? So be a fair hired hand and carry on our previously agreed terms without turning on me for such flimsy reasons. That is what any good professional would do, and I understood you were the best professional money could buy. Though I recognize your grievance about a possible breach in the working conditions as outlined by our contract, I assure you nothing of the sort is going on. Or perhaps I should have gone for that Lobo fellow?"

Yami grimaced in extreme disgust and turned her hand back to normal. "No. Never that ecchi filthy no good piece of—- Look, I'm much better value for your money than _him_ , right? Very well. I will trust your total lack of interest for these naked harlots for the time being and assume you just happened to catch them that way and you didn't bother to dress them up."

"Naturally," the Count affably said. "Does the naturalist bother to place little clothes on the insects he catches for his collection?"

"Then why did you have me dressed this stupid racy way, you creep?!" Asuna yelled.

Yami listened to that, then raised an eyebrow at the Count.

"Discuss it with Melona," the Count adviced her. "Her idea, not mine. Anyway, our guests are about to arrive, no doubt bringing the final member you failed to retrieve. As a way to atone, I would be thankful if you dressed for the ocasion as befits the employee of a noble as myself."

Then he presented her with a folded French maid outfit her size.

"... this is ecchi too," Yami said.

"No, it's not ecchi!" Haruna said. "It's just cute-sexy! And you'd look great in it!"

"... I don't want to wear it," Yami told the Count.

"There's nothing sexual about it," the Count insisted. "I'm telling you it's just part of social protocols that are older than ourselves. I will pay you two hundred extra."

"Seven hundred," Yami said.

"Three hundred."

"Six hundred," she countered.

"Four hundred."

"Five hundred and fifty. My final offer," Yami coldly said.

The Count nodded. "You're a good negotiator. So be it!"

"I'm doing this only because you look so gay to me," Yami warned him. "Ian Mc Kellen gay."

"But he looks like a shaved Saruman, not a Gandalf!" Yuuna protested. "Seriously, girl, you need to work more on your Peter Jackson!"

Jadeite gave the Count a tired glare. "Are you actually gay, or you just don't mind for some reason?"

"Why? Interested, young man?" he asked back.

"NO! I'M NOT GAY, DAMMIT!"

"Ah ha ha ha!" the demon lord laughed at him. "Well, neither am I. But when one's actually not gay and sure of his own masculinity, one doesn't need to fear what the children will think on the subject."

"I'm sure of my own masculinity! I'm not gay at all! Now you too?!" Jadeite madly fumed, starting to pace back and forth across the wild lawn. "I'll make all of you pay for this offense! I'm all man!"

"Seriously, this guy would be much happier if he just came out of the closet already," Haruhi said.

"For once we agree," Yami nodded. "Living in denial can be such a painful thing..."

"I'M NOT IN DENIAL BECAUSE I'M NOT GAY!"

* * *

A sleek, masked figure clad in elegant formalwear, complete with a top hat, moved through the Mahora night with graceful litheness, hopping from rooftop to rooftop. It was actually easier than what the mysterious person had been expecting when they had started doing it, especially after remembering the apparently insane ramblings their latest paramour had with them during their pillow talk.

Back then, the one who now called themself the Black Rose Baron had thought he only was spouting nonsense, which to be frank was one of the things that made him so oddly endearing. But now the Baron realized there had been all sorts of helpful tips on how to do the whole superhero/vigilante routine well hidden within those rants. Perhaps he had been subtly trying to talk them into becoming his sidekick?

After all, the way he complained so much about those 'Bob', 'Weasel' and 'Al' fellows, the Baron figured out he was more than ready to try new assistants in his line of work.

The Baron's inner musings on this and on how Mahora was actually duller and more peaceful than they had been expecting (which only proved how utterly fortunate the Baron had been until this point!) were interrupted when they saw a pair of girls in criminally revealing sailor fukus hopping across another line of rooftops a couple blocks away, seemingly not realizing the Baron's presence. They seemed to be preoccupied by something important. Maybe the Baron should go to them and introduce themself, offer their help? That was standard superhero protocol, wasn't it? And this was technically their territory. The Baron only hoped they didn't have to go through one of those obligatory superhero fights their lover had told them about so often. The Baron really disliked fighting for no good reason at all.

Then the Baron saw another figure flying after the two Senshi in a very familiar staff, with a cursing, terrified girl with octopus red hair clinging to his waist, and their— okay, well, shit, who are we fooling?— her heart sank suddenly, ice filling her throat. What was Negi doing venturing out this late with vigilantes? AND WITH A GIRL?! Had he become a pimp Casanova so soon? Not even Uncle had started so early!

Her dread only grew up when she saw a girl with long pink hair (and a tail!) and holding a grumpy orange hair boy in her arms flying after Negi, followed by a masked Catholic sister carrying a little girl on her back, running from one rooftop to another while just leaping acrobatically over the street gaps.

... okay, Negi WAS involving himself in extremely dangerous out of control situations while here, of that there was no doubt...

And wasn't that why she had come to this strange country in the first place?

So the Black Rose Baron, Nekane Springfield, ditched her routine nocturnal patrol and set out to follow the uneven troupe from a safe distance to watch.

* * *

Of course, there was someone else in Negi's current party, someone who could smell and hear almost anyone from what most people would think a safe distance. Someone who was far stealthier than the rest of the group put together, too. Fortunately for Nekane, that person chose to play along, being naturally drawn to the thrill of an added challenge, even when his best instincts and upbringing and nagging memories of his mother told him otherwise.

Kotaro moved through the shadows of the rooftops trying his best not to be left behind by Negi's nun chick (damn, she was fast, too. Even when obviously holding back in fear of actually reaching their destination). He half-smirked to himself as he listened to the weirdo in drag (for that had to be a girl in drag from her scent alone, and his views on crossdressing weren't exactly progressive) rushing after them, doing a mostly okay job of staying secret against those without superhuman senses.

He only wanted to see what was her role in this, yet to arrive to the rendezvous location as soon as possible as well.

"Not that I'm complaining," Rito dryly complained from Lala's arms, "But it's kind of embarrassing for a man to be held this way while in transit to save his girlfriend."

"Your fiancée," Lala corrected, then corrected herself, "Well, our fiancée. And I told you, you could have let me change you into a girl if that made you feel better about it..."

"No, not really," Rito sighed while resigning himself to his fate and trying to ignore Lala's bosom being pressed against him, perhaps more tightly than necessary. He wanted to believe it was only her way to make sure she wouldn't drop him accidentally. As it was, it was taking all of his control and heroic resolve to focus on Haruna's rescue and not on his incoming nosebleed.

"Aisaka Mansion..." Sailor Mercury pondered as they closed in to the river, "As in 'Aisaka Sayo'? That absent girl in our class roster?"

"Actually," Negi said from above. "She's a ghost hanging around Seat One. A fairly nice and likable girl at that. I hope you'll be able to meet her soon."

"Hopefully not as another ghost," Minako said as Akira blinked in surprise. "I never heard about that old house being called 'Aisaka', though. Everyone calls it just 'that old haunted house where we play courage dares and have haunted house se-'"

"It would seem the official name was struck from the records for some reason," Shiho said loudly as the old house came into view. At this point the buildings stopped being a thing they could run all over, so the runners just dropped to ground level and took it from there. "I can feel a barrier set around it," she added, taking two fingers to her forehead. "A powerful one, as well."

"No wonder. They _are_ waiting for us, after all," Negi tried to smile, steeling himself. "If any of you wants to stop here, I won't hold it against you."

"Actually, I—" Shiho began.

"We're all fine!" Artemis said from where he clung onto Minako's right shoulder. The apprentice miko pouted at that.

As they came to a stop before the huge, foreboding dusty house, its front doors went open with a loud, threatening creak. Lala carefully put Rito down on the grass, everyone falling into defense stances as three figures walked out from the inside, chuckling perversely...

Three tiny and slimy, very cute, figures in French maid uniforms.

"Greetings, Negi Springfield and friends!" one of them spoke with a voice that was just as cute.

"The Master is waiting for you," another of them said.

"We are the Slime Sisters!" the third Slime said.

"My name is Ame," the one with glasses and a ponytail said.

"I'm Purin," the quieter looking one with long hair introduced herself.

"And I'm Surimu!" the chipper looking one with her short hair in two pigtails grinned.

Negi's group fell into a baffled long silence.

And then Lala squealed loudly, her eyes and tail taking on clear heart shapes. "OH MY FATHER'S GOODNESS! THEY'RE SO _CUUUUUUTE!"_

"Yeah, we get that a lot!" Surimu giggled.

"And highly vivisectionable as well! What I could learn from this all new species unknown to Devilukean science!" Lala kept on gushing, rubbing her legs together over and over.

"... eeeeeeehhhhhh, well, let's just leave it at 'cute'," Ame replied.

"Come in, come in!" Surimu cheerfully invited, gesturing to usher them in. "Don't stay out there in the cold! It'll start raining again soon, you know!"

"But this is a trap," Rito observed. "I mean, it's obvious it's a trap!"

"Of course it's a trap, that's why you came in the first place, isn't it?" Purin asked. "But you still have to see if you and your friends can survive it. That's what heroes are supposed to do, right?"

"I heard your father was a great hero, Negi-sensei!" Surimu chirped, extending a long, slimy arm and grabbing one of Negi's wrists, pulling him in. Venus, Mercury, Shiho, Cocone and Misora all instinctively jumped back, hands clasped protectively over their crotches at the sight of the appendage. "You know, our father was a great hero as well!"

"Although he was never there for us," Purin distantly reminisced. "Then again, that's what great heroes are prone to do, isn't it? They're too great for small things like their children."

"Oboy, someone needs some family therapy," Venus opined, carelessly walking in and taking on the sights of the ruined mansion's living room. "And a duster. And a nice vacuum. Some soap and rags too. And an exterminator. For a three-maid team, you don't do much housekeeping, do you? Even my bedroom's in better shape than this."

"Only because of your roommate, though," Artemis muttered.

"What was that?" Minako asked.

"Nothing," he sighed.

Negi, meanwhile, shook the slime tentacle off and frowned. "I'm sure my father would have been always there for me if not for—"

"Sure, that doesn't negate what we're saying," Ame said. "The problems of larger than life people are, well, larger than the lives of those around them!"

Rito grumbled, his hands in his pockets. "I can tell you, it's not just heroic parents who never have time to spend with their children..."

"Seriously?" Lala hummed. "My parents rule three galaxies and are always there whenever we call for them..."

Rito flinched. "Oi, Lala." he said as Negi and the slime sisters gave her envious looks.

"How about your parents, Mysterious Sister-san?" Surimu asked Misora.

She blinked. "My name's Mis— I mean, how did you know—? I mean, my parents are dead!"

"Oh, we knew that too," Ame said.

"We read the profiles on all of those who were sighted with Negi Springfield in Kyoto," Purin added.

"We only asked to make you feel worse!" Surimu concluded, and the three sisters high fived each other. "Although a big bunch of them seemed to have disappeared. We were originally going to use the girl you'd introduced as your cousin Nelly in this plan, but no matter how hard we tried we could find her. You didn't kill and eat her did you?"

Minako sweatdropped. "... there's being a bad guy, and then there's being a bitch..."

"We aren't heroes like our father," Ame smiled.

"That's why we have time for each other. And our dear mother!" Surimu said. "Family is important!"

Lala rubbed her chin. "So, what you are saying is, villains have time for their family but heroes don't? My father is the great hero of the galaxy, however, so..."

"Yeah, of course, there's no way Mikado-sensei could be right about him being a cosmic despot," Rito mumbled.

"You're right, there isn't!" Lala said brightly. "So you girls are obviously wrong in your cynical views!"

Purin frowned at her. "Who are you, anyway? We don't have any data on you..."

"Oh, for the love of—" Kotaro sighed, pulling the bottle out and uncorking it. "Will we just cut through the crap already and seal these three lil' boogers?!"

"EEEEEEEE!" the three sisters shrieked, running to hide behind Negi's legs.

"Do it and the Master will get angry!" Ame said.

"He's watching over this! Take one of us down, and he'll take one of your friends down in retaliation!" Purin said.

"Besides, we're supposed to show you the way! Not to fight you! He wants you to be fresh and in top shape by the time you get to him!" Surimu said.

Negi blinked. "Huh? And why's that?"

"He wants to see how much of a threat you can be," Purin informed. "So he wants you to fight him to the death at the best of your capacities!"

"Something he couldn't do back in your dorm room," Ame finished. "Here, however, you won't be interrupted by anyone..."

"A threat? A threat to whom?!" Negi said. "I only want to teach my class peacefully and find my... Oh. Oh, I see. Now I remember."

"Wha-What do you remember?" Misora warily asked him.

Negi bit on his lower lip. "He told me he could tell me about my father's whereabouts. Well, then, far be it for me to keep nobility waiting," he resolutely said, rolling his sleeves up and stomping ahead. "Take me with your leader!"

"Aren't you going to say you come in peace?" Ame said.

"Nope, definitely not in peace," Negi said, belatedly realizing the reference. "From the looks of it, this is going to be a 'blow up the White House' visit."

* * *

"And they're in," the Count smiled at the images displayed in the crystal ball the frowning Jadeite held floating in his open right hand. Yami had been already dispatched and thus was unable to comment on the ridiculousness of the whole scene. Since Chisame was not present either, there was a regrettable lack of Lampshade Hanging and critical commentary. "Excellent, excellent. Now we have all of those we were looking for, plus a few nice extras."

"If you were looking for all those who were in Kyoto like you were saying," Asuna said, "then what about Kaede and Ku Fei and Mana, and Iinchou's maid Roberta and Chachamaru, Not to mention Nee-sama and—"

The Count waved a hand in exasperation. "None of them count as official members of your little association!"

"Seriously? Because I think Chachamaru totally counts at this point!" Asuna said. "And then there's Eva-chan, who—"

The Count glared at her. "Let us be serious. Do you think me suicidal enough as to go after the Dark Evangel?"

"Okay, good point, but still, all the same, you know she'll be pissed off at you when she learns you took away her best students, her loved— oh God, we're so dead, aren't we?" Asuna sighed. "Why couldn't you have been stupid enough to go after her?"

"And unavenged," the Count nodded while his attentions returned to the ball. "Jadeite, the Sailor Senshi are yours as I promised. Do to them as you wish."

"As long as it isn't anything perverted!" Asuna pointed out.

"Hadn't we already established he's gay?" Haruna asked.

"Gay guys can still do perverted thing to girls," Asuna asserted.

Haruna nodded. "In the end, all buttholes are alike."

"I'm not gay!" Jadeite said, then snapped his fingers as a strange figure rose from a black distortion on the ground before him. "Murid! Come forth to your master!"

The figure that had just appeared at his command was a young woman with a faint smile, light pink, curly hair and light blue eyes. She wore a gold tiara and a pink, blue, and white dress trimmed in gold. She made a delicate courtsie to Jadeite and primly said, "I am at your full service, My Lord. What do you wish from me?"

"Whoa, what a cutie!" an interested Haruhi said.

"He's still more feminine, though," Misa said.

Sakurako rolled her eyes. "Girls, must you keep insisting someone else's homosexuality as something to mock and taunt?"

"Your case's different, Sakurako-chan!" Makie reassured her. "You aren't a homosexual, you're a lesbian!"

"And it's more like we're mocking his ridiculous denial of his obvious homosexuality," Haruna pointed out cheerfully.

"That's still the same thing, Makie," Asuna told her. "A homosexual is a lesbian with a penis. Wait, no, that's not the way it is either..."

"I'm not a lesbian! I mean, I'm not a— Ooooohhh, forget it!" Jadeite hissed. "Murid, just go inside of that manor, separate the Sailor Senshi from the rest of those idiots, and destroy them!" Then he handed her a small camera. "And then take a selfie with their dead bodies so I can rub it in Zoicite and Kunzite's faces."

"Technically, since I would be the one destroying them, My Lord," the youma said, "shouldn't **I** be the one taunting them about how **I** killed—"

"Just do it!" he growled.

"Yes, My Lord," she bowed again. "Your wish is my command, My Lord... _gay_ ," she muttered under her breath.

"What was that last part?!"

"Nothing!" she said, and quickly disappeared the same way she came.

"See, even your henchwoman thinks you're—" Haruhi began.

"Not! A! Single! Word! More!" Jadeite threatened.

There was a beat. Haruhi was never any good at following directions.

"So, seeing as you're supposed to be some evil villain, do you pimp out your evil minions in exchange for goods and services too?" Haruhi said brightly.

"That 'too' is very ominous," Madoka said, glancing at Mikuru, who blushed.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said, hanging her head in shame.

Working at that construction site just so Haruhi could use their jackhammer had been a horrible experience.

* * *

As the Slime Sisters led Negi's group into an abandoned, yet still majestic and imposing room with a domed ceiling, Ame conversationally asked, "Would you like to know the story of the family that used to inhabit this place?"

"Enlighten us, please," Negi requested.

"The Aisakas were a clan of local notables that fell into disgrace when the war started," Purin narrated. "It didn't help that they had made their money through dealings with the West, and the government began seeing them as a liability. Several of them moved to other cities and rebuilt their fortunes there, but the head of the clan was a stubborn man, and stayed here with his daughters even when the bombings started."

"Was one of those daughters named... Aisaka Sayo?" Misora warily asked.

Surimu hummed. "I think that was the name of the one who died during the War, yes." She smiled faintly over her shoulder and back to Misora. "Friend of yours?"

Misora scowled. "I like you guys less and less with each passing moment. Anyway, how did this Aisaka Sayo—"

Then a very attractive young woman appeared in their way, blocking their path. The slimes came to a sudden halt, and so Negi's team did as well. She was petite but well curved and also wore Meido, with cold green eyes, long blond hair, and a decidedly unamused expression on her cute, pale face.

"It's you," Negi recognized her. "One of those who attacked the girls in Cinema Village...!"

"I see they were precise in their descriptions," she said, bowing to them. "You must be Negi Springfield, and I am Golden Darkness, assassin to royalty. It's my pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Yeah, I remember you," Kotaro snorted. "You were one of those other yahoos the monkey hag hired. Do you make a habit of working for old farts and calling them 'royalty'?"

"I did say I kill for the royalty, not that it was the only thing I ever did," Golden Darkness calmly answered. "And the Graf is technically only nobility. Regardless, Negi Springfield, his Ministra Magi, those calling themselves the Sailor Senshi, and even you, Inugami Kotaro, can walk past this point. But you," she pointed at Shiho, Lala and Rito, "are uninvited guests, and as such I must ask you to leave or fight me."

Shiho turned around and tossed her hands up. "Well, it was a nice guided tour while it lasted! Best of luck, every— EEEEEEEHHHHH!" she said as Surimu grabbed her by the waist with a tentacle and flung her further inside, past the unfazed Golden Darkness. "Ah! My tentacle purity! I can never get married!"

"MUNAKATA-SAN!" Negi screamed, rushing to her aid without being stopped by Darkness.

"This," Golden Darkness told the slimes, "is undermining what I had been told to do. I am not pleased."

"We don't want anyone to leave, we wanna have our own piece of the fun," Ame said, her body beginning to shift, grow and undulate slightly. "You can have the pink haired one and the simp, but we want the one with tentacles in her head. Maybe she's related to us, see."

"Papa was a very wild man, see?" Surimu chuckled, while Purin shook her head in disapproval.

"These aren't tentacles, they are cute pigtails, you monsters!" Shiho cried while Negi helped her back to her feet. "What nerve!"

"So," Lala said, far more seriously than her custom, startling Rito, "you are Golden Darkness. You recognize me, don't you?"

"Who wouldn't?" Darkness asked back. "The first princess of Deviluke. The one reputed to have defeated Kalibak of Apokolips in unarmed combat."

"And to make him squeal like piggy," Lala nodded.

"Yes, that too," Darkness nodded back.

"It was a lot of fun, actually!"

"It indeed sounds like it was..."

Rito, startled, looked back and forth between Lala and the blonde. "Wait, what?! Is she, is she an alien too?!"

"It seems she took a couple of wrong jobs and had to hide in an unadministered world," Lala smiled tensely.

"I was set up," Darkness passively said. "I don't expect you to believe that, though. But at this point, I'm so sunk, and so desperate from living in this place, it makes little difference to me if I attract the wrath of Gid upon me. One way or another, at least this way I will go in a blaze of glory, facing the best the galaxy has to offer."

"You do realize," Lala frowned, "that if you killed me, Dad wouldn't care about blowing everyone in this planet just to get you, don't you?"

"Then kill me yourself instead, Princess," Golden Darkness said, as each of her arms became a long, sharp spear. Misora gave a short shriek of terror.

"Rastel—!" Negi began to chant, but Lala stopped him with a gesture. "Deviluke-san?"

"Just call me Lala, Sensei," she quietly said. "Take Rito and the others with you, I'll handle this myself. I'll catch up to you later."

"What? No!" Rito said. "I can't leave you here alone, Lala!"

"Haruna needs you, Rito," Lala argued. "Go with her. I'll be fine."

This seemed to surprise Golden Darkness slightly. "Haruna? As in Saotome Haruna? What are you to her?"

"Um, she's my girlfriend. Why?" Rito innocently asked.

Darkness' eyes became blood-red, and she charged directly at him. "DIE!"

"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Rito shrilled, trying to leap out of the way.

* * *

"Ah!" Haruna gasped as she craned her neck, trying her best to get a good look at what Jadeite's crystal ball was showing. "Rito-chan! Oh, no, it's all my fault! If only I hadn't been that... ecchi... to Goldie-chan! Though it's nice to know Rito-chan is going to fit right in with my family."

"It's a real pity when life lessons come this late, isn't it?" an amused Jadeite commented, moving his hand and turning the image off. "Well, I figure you don't want to watch what comes next. I will mercifully spare you the sight of your beloved getting torn apart by another woman. Don't ever say I'm completely evil, heartless and without pity. Aren't I nice?"

"Ghah! No, no, don't do that, you jerk!" Haruna bashed her fists against the bubble's surface. "Let me keep watching! I've gotta know!"

Jadeite smirked as he twisted a finger inside one of his ears. "Sorry, but I think I'm too gay to hear you."

"Good thing you adm— HMMMPHHH!" Haruhi said before Haruna clamped a hand on her mouth.

"Okay, sorry, you aren't gay, I take that back!" Haruna cried, panicking to a degree that startled the other girls. "You're manlier than Chuck Norris, but please just let me watch, or better, call Goldie back, please!"

Jadeite simply hummed to himself as he turned his back on them. "Sorry, to gay to give a damn."

The Count sweatdropped. "What a degenerate..."

"Damn you, I'm going to beat you black and blue if you don't—!" Haruna then turned to Skuld, who had remained sitting silent and hugging her knees since they had been brought in. "Sku-chan, do something! You're a goddess, for pity's sake!"

"She is?" an intrigued Haruhi asked. "Goddess of what? Goddess of lolis?" She looked at Madoka. "You know anything about this?"

"The only God I believe in is the one I'm praying to right now so I can wake up already," Madoka flatly replied.

"I think Kyon-san is asleep right now," Mikuru said timidly.

"It won't do any good for her," the Count said. "She is a fallen according to Heaven's laws, and thus has forsaken her realm's protection. Such foolishness. Her sister would have never—"

"Don't start talking about Belldandy now, demon!" Skuld growled furiously, lifting her gaze from her knees. "Your mouth should be catching on fire just from mentioning her name!"

"Actually, I meant your other sister. You had two, remember? About yea high, bears a strong resemblance to my liege, her mother?" the Count shrugged. "Lady Belldandy, of course, was always too soft-hearted towards humans. For all the good it did her!" He nonchalantly patted his mouth, which by some strange coincidence seemed to have caught on fire.

"Shut up shut up shut up!" Skuld bashed a bare foot against the bubble. "You're a disgrace even to demons! Even Mara would sneer at you! Any runaway spirit chaser would point at you and laugh! Why, even Hussein's wimpy fat bitch would—"

Jadeite raised an eyebrow while his crystal ball glowed, and he gestured over it, before saying, "Lord Wilhelm. Take a look at this."

"What is it?" he said, walking back to the other man's side as the girls and the two men tried to look at the ball again (Chamo had just slumped into helpless sobbing and was beyond caring).

They saw a figure in white with a long cape on their shoulders, moving around the manor's front and trying to find a way around the invisible barrier blocking access.

"Who's that costumed wacko?" Haruhi sneered. "What a dorky looking loser!"

"It's that Black Rose Baron chick we met a couple weeks ago," Haruna reminisced. "I mean, Nodoka, Yue and me. What is she of all people doing here?"

"That's a girl?" Madoka squinted, trying to get a better look. "Looks like a man to me!"

Haruna sniffed, touching the tip of her ahoge. "My girl-dar never gets it wrong! And Chamo-kun also can vouch for it, can't you, Chamo-kun?"

"Life is a dark and miserable thing..." the ermine mumbled to himself, sobbing softly. "I'm in despair! My helpless incapacity has left me in despair!"

Itoshiki nodded somberly as he rubbed his nose from his off-page sneeze. "I'm glad you finally have seen the light, Chamomile-san. The darkness, I mean. Now, will you please stop stealing my catchphrase!"

"Let her in," the Count told Jadeite.

"What?" Jadeite growled. "Are you insane, old man? That's a Tuxedo Kamen lookalike! Do you know what happens whenever you put a Tuxedo Kamen in the same location as the Sailor Senshi? Whenever I have them on the ropes, somehow he always manages to save them, even though usually all he does is throw a rose and give a corny speech!"

"Let her in," Wilhelm insisted. "I recognize her despite her disguise. It's... someone I never expected to see again. In her own way, she could be almost as valuable as the boy."

"No! No, I won't!" Jadeite refused. "The equation is simple! Me plus youma plus Sailor Senshi equals beaten Sailor Senshi! Me plus youma plus Sailor Senshi plus Tuxedo Kamen equals a perfectly good evil scheme foiled! Now I've got a way to keep that interloper out, you can't ask me to let his cheap copycat in, genderbent or not!"

The Count sighed wearily, then swung a fist and easily punched Jadeite across the jaw, sending him flying at the other end of the backyard, completely unconscious.

"Whoa!" Haruhi flipped around to look at the downed General and laughed. "You got knocked the fuck out! One Punch! One Punch!"

"Now, that wasn't a very nice thing to do..." Konoka softly chided. "But thank you all the same, Demon-san."

* * *

"This is completely wrong!" Negi complained as he, the Sailor Senshi, Kotaro, Misora (and the Cocone on her back) and Shiho rushed down yet another narrow, dark hallway of what was starting to look like a maze, following the slimy trail of the mischievously giggling and surprisingly fast moving Slime Sisters. "We shouldn't have left Lala-san and Yuuki-san behind like that! What if they get themselves hurt? I'd never forgive myself, could you?!"

"Pretty boy, must we remind you you're on a deadline?" Ame's voice taunted him from ahead. "If you don't defeat the Master before dawn, and that'll be here soon enough, then you'll never see your friends again!"

"Are you sure you have the time to waste on ganging up on a little girl, you bully?" Surimu's giggle mocked him next.

"Don't worry about them, Sensei," Minako forced a smile. "I know how these things go, they're an old staple of shounen manga! The hero's party must get split on their way to the Big Bad, with each companion fighting a different evil minion! In the end, everyone does their part and all enemies are beaten, except a few ones who escape to set the next arc up! That's how it works!"

"That's from the 90's!" Misora wailed. "It's outdated! What if this is all a ploy to distract you with a seemingly-relevant fight only for them to defeat your weaker members who were off training offscreen so they can't participate in the big fight? What if there's a fight off-panel? We can't know what happens in the fight if it's off-panel! Sure the goodguys never lose when you're reading about them, but if they're off panel, they might get their ass kicked by a crazy psycho lesbian yandere kohai with glasses despite their recent and cool-looking power up!"

"That's a really specific example, Misora-chan," Mecury said.

"I'm the Mysterious Sister! Who is this Misora you keep mistakenly talking about?"

Kotaro snorted from a corner of his mouth. "What's a girl doing shounen manga? Girls should read shoujo, men should read shounen! It's right in the names, for Kami-sama's sake!"

"What a sexist boy, good manga is unisex," Purin opined. "By the way, you weren't a part of the team we were hired to gather either, Inugami-san, so we're afraid you must be the next one to be dropped from this tour."

"What?" Kotaro scoffed. "What the heck are you talking about n—"

At that point, something huge stomped through the ceiling, or rather the upper floor's, well, floor, opening a huge hole through which it fell, sending wood splinters everywhere as it violently crashed down on top of the surprised Kotaro, slamming him down very roughly.

"Inugami-san!" Negi cried while Misora, Akira and Shiho shrieked, and Venus hissed under her breath. From the dust cloud its violent stomp had produced, the titanic figure that had just fallen on top of the stunned, groaning half youkai rose, fixing the small and really bad wig (it was so obviously a cheap toupée!) on his head with an oversized hand, each of his fingers almost bigger than Negi's whole hand.

He was well dressed like a butler, but otherwise looked like a brutal Frankenstein's monster– well, American Movie Frankenstein's monster. Film producers were unable to process the fact the orginal text talked of a cute girl in a wedding dress and sexistly changed it– with a vicious scowl on his face. He made no sound, however, as he easily lifted the groggy Kotaro, lifting him by his blouse like a literal puppy. In a blouse.

"That's Mr. Walter, another of the Count's hired help for his stay in Mahora," Purin dutifully informed the rest of the group. "He's a big fan of the sartorial stylings of the famously trendy Solomon Grundy. And I believe he is not pleased one of you is not following the proper dress code to visit the Master. Men must wear shirts, not blouses."

* * *

Meanwhile, while Rito tried his best to survive and keep himself out of direct harm's way and wildly trying to look for a good place from where to shoot Negi's antiques, Golden Darkness and Lala kept on clashing repeatedly, moving around the spacious room almost faster than Rito's eye could follow much less ever give him a decent target. Lala seemed to be having a relatively easy edge, although he couldn't tell if she was straining herself or not. For once she was not smiling, if that was an indication, but then, the few glimpses he got from her face showed more concern for the one fighting her than any fear for her own safety.

"I'm impressed," Golden Darkness said as she swung a foot that had just turned into a large spiked ball, which swung right over Lala when the pink haired girl ducked. "You are certainly no sheltered princess. I see your lauded victories were, after all, genuine."

"What's the point in any other kind of victory?" a genuinely curious Lala asked, trying to punch her face and just barely missing.

"Indeed, what?" the blonde asked back, her hair turning into several dozens of limbs finished in massive fists, trying to pummel on Lala from all sides.

"Yours is a simply fascinating case of adaptative polimorphy!" Lala gushed as she moved between the fists trying to crush her, studying them with a clinic eye and a mesmerized smile. "Won't you let me study you in a proper laboratory? I'd pay you any fee you'd request for it!"

"Going into labs is the one thing I won't ever do again for any amount of money," Darkness frowned while also turning her hands into blades, and kicked one of Lala's feet aside when the princess attempted to kick her midsection. Before any of you feels the need to comment on that remark, please keep in mind she phrased it as the only thing she would never do again. Never doing ecchi things doesn't count in this context, since, if you have never done something in the first place, you can't possibly ever do it again.

"Will you let me take some samples then, please?" Lala asked, giving her huge Bambi eyes while bringing her hands together and just keeping Yami's attacks at bay with nothing but her legs and the occasional hip sway. "There's no harm in that!"

"No, I won't do that either! Please take this seriously, spoiled princess!" a frustrated Yami said while pressing on the attack almost frantically by now.

"Okay, then you've forced my hand!" Lala pouted, pulling something from her cleavage and making Peke gulp. It was a tiny silver device, on which she pressed a button while yelling, "STICKY GOOEY LAUNCHER-KUN!"

"... what in the..." Yami blinked as the tiny device quickly changed into a big and bulky, black and white bazooka-like gun, which Lala effortlessly aimed at her... and then fired.

Yami could have dodged it easily had the fight been outdoors, but her maneuverability was limited within the Aisaka ballroom, and so she was hit by the barrage of sticky, pink (and yes, gooey) projectiles just shot at her in quick succession. Reeling back through the air, she slammed her back against something very loud and panicky she had been accidentally thrown into. She could swear she had just heard bones snapping, but she knew such a basic strike could not have harmed her, so what—

 _Oh. Of course,_ she thought as she heard the Princess suddenly scream in shock, "RITO!"

"—uuuughhhhh!" Yami heard the growl of pain of the pathetic male she had forgotten about during the last few moments, and then she felt him squirming against her back. Disgusted at his touch, she tried to pull back from him, but found the substance the Princess had caught her in kept her rather well-pinned against him... and him against her, and both of them against the wall, as it seemed. "I… I can't breathe...! Lala...!"

Rito, mostly submerged in the pink stickiness and choking on it, spat some of what had slurmed into his mouth before madly feeling around for something to grab onto and use to pull himself free. it was difficult since most of his view was blocked by black cloth and pink grossness, but he persevered over the next couple of moments, until he heard a loud female gasp and felt his fingers squeezing something very soft and yet firm. Just as the back of that hand was brushing against cloth.

It took him a moment to realize he was sticking his hand under the crazy girl's skirt and squeezing one of her buttocks (he hoped, because the alternate was…), before she swung a foot and her head back at the same time, simultaneously punting his crotch and headbutting him.

"Guh, I'm sorr—" he managed to gurgle before surrendering to unconsciousness.

* * *

"Inugami-san, hold on!" Negi said, gripping his staff and quickly deciding on what kind of spell to use. "You, drop Inugami-san right now!"

Kotaro dryly gurgled something that probably meant "Screw you, I don't need your help!" as his fingers twitched, and those around his throat constricted tighter.

Cocone simply raised the small cross that was her Artifact and blandly said, "Divine punishment from above, please."

Instantly, there was a loud crackle of booming thunder, and a massive bolt of lightning descended from the skies, falling through the upper floors of the mansion and squarely landing on the giant's head, blowing him and Kotaro away in opposite directions while miraculously not setting anything on fire.

 _Somewhere, Kyon rolled over and muttered in his sleep, dreaming about a strange alternate universe where he and Koizumi were girls, Haruhi, Nagato and Mikuru were guys. Guy!Nagato waved at him._

Negi himself tumbled back and dropped on his butt, and the slimes cried as the force of the bolt's fall sent them flying against a wall, where they splattered into a single sticky blob.

"I think you have my foot on my chest, Surimu," Purin said.

"Actually, that's my leg, I think," Ame replied.

"The hell? Lightning doesn't work like that!" Surimu cried.

Kotaro coughed loudly after finished rolling across the floor, then rubbed his throat and yelled at Cocone, "What the hell, little girl! You could have killed me! WHAT IF I HAD DIED?!"

"... he was about to choke the life out of you anyway, wasn't he?" Cocone asked. "Besides, that's such an Itoshiki-sensei thing to say..."

Misora and Negi sweatdropped. "We've got to see if that Artifact can do anything else..." Misora said while Negi refocused his attention on Walter, who was rising back to his feet, visibly shaken but quickly recovering. The brute looked around for his toupee, finally found it, lifted it only to realize it had been reduced to a few burnt scraps, and the viciously huffed towards what we will call the Negi-gumi by now.

 _"Duodecima—"_ Negi began to chant, but then Kotaro placed a hand on his chest, grumbling.

"Don't bother. If he wants to pick a fight with me, fine, I'll give it to him," Inugami said, narrowing his eyes at the juggernaut. Who was not _The_ Juggernaut, mind. We had enough X-Men villains to last us a while in the Kyoto arc.

"But, he's just kicked your ass and was about to—" Sailor Venus piped in.

"Dammit, woman, he took me by surprise! Things will be different now!" Kotaro protested, flexing his claws back and forth.

 _Somewhere, Haruna's dad sneezed_.

"Wasn't that what you said about Graf Wilhelm right before he defeated you again?" Negi asked.

"Shut up and let me work here!" Kotaro angrily spat, throwing the bottle at him, which Negi easily caught in a hand much to the slimes' annoyance. "You just worry about your friends, not about me!"

"Well, that'll be easy," Negi muttered.

Venus placed a hand on Negi's shoulder. "He's right, Sensei. Come on. I told you, that's how these things work..."

"I'm telling you your views are too dated to the nineties!" Misora protested, drawing Cocone against herself. "It's the 21st century! That means he's going to get his ass kicked, but a new character will be introduced to rescue him."

"Hey! I don't need rescuing!" Kotaro protested. They ignored him.

"I could give him another jolt..." Cocone began to offer.

"NO!" Kotaro stomped, then grunted while changing into his much taller lycanthrope form, towering over his allies. "This is my fight now! I'll take down anyone trying to butt in!"

Venus blinked. "... wow. That's... kind of really hot, actually! How old you are, again? And it'll be in dog years, right, so you'll be older than you look?"

Akira sweatdropped. "Venus..."

At that point Kotaro just had enough and kicked them all hastily into the next room.

"Why me too?!" Shiho whined as she was punted through the air. "I didn't even say anything!"

"I thought you didn't hit girls!" Negi protested as his face hit the floor.

"I don't! I just punted at the air right behind their butts, and the air pressure—!" Kotaro began before being grabbed by Walter and pulled back to be quickly pummeled by his granitic fists.

"It sure felt like a kick..." Akira moaned, rubbing at her aching posterior with a hand. "Shouldn't we regardless—"

"That's so hot!" Venus sighed, rubbing her own ass.

"DAMMIT, JUST GO ALREADY! YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" Kotaro said as he began savagely clawing and slashing at the body of the mountain-man currently jackhammering at his head.

"I would think the headache is rather caused by—" Shiho began before just being pulled along by a deeply sighing Negi.

* * *

 **To be Continued**.


	2. Lesson 2

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

I don't own any of these characters and franchises and I make no money from them.

Thanks to Shadow Crystal Mage for proofreading this chapter, and to Darkenning for supplying the Elsa gag.

* * *

 **Magic is what you want it to be**.

 **The Further Adventures of Unequally Rational and Emotional**.

* * *

 **Lesson Two: Aren't we in Volume Nine Yet?**

* * *

Tatsumiya Mana supposed there was no harm in leaving the girls alone just long enough as to go help herself some tea at Nodoka's kitchenette. After all, she had placed wards all around the bedroom, and she highly doubted Wilhelm would be stupid enough as to try again, or send an underling this time, after knowing she was there. And she figured she had earned a brief break to enjoy some peace and quiet without Shiho around for once.

So she had been sitting at said kitchenette enjoying her drink when she heard Chisame's skyward scream.

Mana sighed, finished her tea, and walked back in, to see a panicky Chisame sitting on the bunk, next to a still unconscious Nodoka. "Oi, Hasegawa-san. I wasn't expecting you to be back up for a couple hours. Truly, you are stronger than I had imagined. My congratulations..."

"Wha-What-What?!" Chisame said, putting a hand to her forehead, and blushing brightly as she kept on looking at Nodoka's bedprone form. It looked like she couldn't remember the last few moments she had been awake, which was a common effect of that sort of demonic toxin. "Why, why am I, with Miyazaki, and—?"

"Don't you remember?" Mana said. "Don't you even remember what happened to Tsunetsuki-sempai?"

"Matoi...? What, what happened to her...?"

"Let's just say she went completely Yandere with those knives of hers."

Chisame gave Nodoka another look, this one of even more naked horror. "Why, why, what?! What did she see to make her go insane, well, _more_ insane– this has gotta be a prank, right...?"

"Well, hardly so, I'd say. Our resident prankster is innocent this time. She's left with Negi-sensei, by the way..."

Chisame went ghastly pale. "Negi saw this… this… what is this anyway?! Why is Miyazaki naked, and in the same bed as me?!"

"Why do you think that would be, Hasegawa-san?"

Chisame's eyes began spiraling. "Oh my God, don't tell me it happened again! Like what happened with Kagurazaka over that stupid love potion! How… how far did I go this time?! Please, Tatsumiya, tell me I didn't do something I'll regret later!" she cried, grabbing Mana's arms.

A lesser woman would have burst into laughter then, but Mana kept on talking stoically. "Very well, I won't. Although I won't say what you did was a regrettable thing. It took a lot of courage, courage born from love..."

"Noooo, no, don't say that, not even as a joke!" Chisame screamed. "That's stupid, I don't even like Miyazaki as a person, there's no reasonable reason why I'd end up sleeping with her after a blur, other than, than, why does this keep happening to meeeeee?!"

Then she blinked, and asked quietly, "Why am _I_ still dressed anyway?"

"If you want to remedy that, I'll just leave and give you some naked private time..."

"Nooooo, don't do that either! Please, Tatsumiya!"

An eyebrow was raised. "Would you prefer me to join in? I am sorry, Hasegawa-san, but you're definitely are not my type. Too tsundere."

"TATSUMIYA!"

Mana sighed, then asked, "If you would actually try to remember instead of just assuming the first thing your subconscious tells you, Hasegawa-san, I have no doubt you would eventually remember all the finer details of what transpired."

"I don't want to remember any of that!" Chisame protested, "And what do you mean with 'what my subconscious tells me'?! Are you implying the first thing I would think of when I see Miyazaki naked in a bed with me is we were doing indecent stuff?!"

"... it would seem the first logical thing to assume regardless, wouldn't it?"

"Yes! I mean, no! I mean, no, maybe, but that's not the point, my point is, what, I'm not even sure anymore! All I know is it's more logical than having been knocked out by a magical drugged flower tossed by a creepy old guy who was beating Negi up, but it's still not logical at... Oh," she finished in a very small voice, rubbing her temples. "Dammit, Negi. Where's Negi?!"

"I will bring you an aspirin..."

"Screw the aspirins, where's Negi?!"

"You're really going to need that aspirin when I tell you..."

"Fine! Bring me the damn aspirin then, but fast! On the double!" Chisame began clapping angrily.

"Of course, since I am such an angel of mercy," Mana coldly said, as she exited the bedroom to look for the medicine cabinet in the bath.

"If you were one, you'd have thrown some clothes on Miyazaki before tucking her in bed with me!"

Her screams were interrupted by Yue's scream of surprise from the bunk right above. "Wha-what am I doing in the same bed as Izumi-san?!"

"You were having a foursome," Mana calmly said from the bath.

"LIKE HELL WE WERE!" Chisame yelled.

Yue peered from above, then asked Chisame, sounding oddly creeped out but perhaps vaguely intrigued, "Is she going to make it a fivesome?"

"OF COURSE NOT! I'M NOT HER TYPE!"

"Too tsundere. Although I suppose that can be overlooked for a purely sexual encounter… " Mana's voice mused distantly.

"STOP MAKING IT WORSE, TATSUMIYA, AND BRING ME THAT GORRAMN ASPIRIN!"

* * *

 _Dear Haruka-chan:_

 _How are you doing in my absence? It's me, Kikukawa Yukino. Do you still remember me, Haruka-chan? Do you still remember how to spell my name? I sure hope so, but I'm afraid, since absence makes the heart grow no fonder, in my opinion, but— Oh, but I'm digressing! And I should place more faith in my best friend! I'm sure Haruka-chan is doing her best, not only to find me, but to keep Mahora Academy in line and in top shape even without my modest contributions as your walking dictionary!_

 _As for me, I'm still traveling these strange lands with Kiryuu Nanami-san, Tsuwabuki Mikuru-kun and Shidou Hikaru-chan to carry on the task assigned to us by Guru Clef, that of rescuing Princess Emeraude of Cephiro! It's taken us months, but I've been told time passes differently on Earth, what they call Mundus Vetus, so I calculate it's only been a couple of weeks for you. I had no idea undertaking a RPG quest like this would take so much time and money. Every once in a while, we have to stop by and take odd jobs just to make ends meet. It's far less glamorous than novels and videogames make it look! But then I remember Haruka-chan's words on the virtues of hard work and you drive me to keep persevering! Ah! Haruka-chan!_

 _After spending a full month working at a café ran by cats in the desert, the Abenaberhe, we've stopped at the Fairy Tail Guild of Mages, where we have taken jobs at the kitchen while Hikaru-chan tries to develop her fire magic. A young man named Natsu-kun seems to be helping her with it... in his own way, I suppose..._

 _I need to find and master my element of magic quickly, too! So I can be back at Haruka-chan's side soon! Keep waiting for me, Haruka-chan! I won't take much longer!_

"I don't get it," Motsu the frog said, peeking over Yukino's shoulder much to her annoyance. "Why are you writing letters to her? How are you going to send them to her, since we don't have the money to pay for mail to the old world? And if you can, why don't you just ask her to come looking for you, in a good way? And are you in love with that girl? Because it sure sounds like you are. Not that there's anything wrong with that..."

Yukino crumpled the letter between her hands, shaking her shoulders so the frog fell to the wooden floor of the Guild's main hallway, where Guild members and employees alike gathered after hours to rest, share drinks, and check on the latest assignments after work hours. "Please don't snoop in, Motsu-san! It's terrible form from a gentleman!"

"And why don't you ever mention me in those letters, anyway?" the frog's quirky voice kept on going from the floor. "At least not in a good way! Don't I deserve it? Haven't I been the guiding beacon of hope during your aimless, hopeless quest, in a good way?"

Yukino groaned, getting up from the table, then walking around him (not even bothering to step on him) and heading over to where Lucy Heartfilia, one of the newest recruits of the Guild, stood humming to herself, looking at the board of assignments and work offers, which was overflowing with tacked on notes and papers as usual, all of them giving the Guild members prospective tasks to tackle for one fee or another.

Yukino stopped short behind Lucy. Since the girl was taller than her, very curvy and busty, and had long blond hair, she reminded her a lot of Haruka, even though her eyes were brown instead of green, and her hair was fairly lighter than Haruka's dirty blondness. Not to mention her personality was very different. Still, one took what one could get.

"Something interesting yet, Lucy-san?" Yukino respectfully asked.

"I don't know," Lucy admitted She went over the options. "Search for a magic bracelet, search for vanished Princess of Arendelle, removing a curse from a magic staff, search for the Horn of Valere, astrology fortune telling for a fishman pirate, Jack Rakan revenge squad, assassination of Stephenie Meyer, exterminating devils in a volcano?! Okay, maybe Natsu could take the last one, but I have no idea where to even start!"

"Just tell me as soon as you settle for one," said Mirajane-san from behind the bar counter. "I'll take your applications as long as Master Makarov's out of town."

Now, Mirajane Strauss was someone difficult for Yukino to quantify. On the one hand, she had been kind, helpful and cheery to them ever since they arrived, and even held a remarkable amount of patience for Motsu and Shichimi's idiocy. On the other, she reminded Yukino, for some reason, a bit too much of Fujino Shizuru-san. And it was not that Yukino held any personal grudge against Fujino either, but Haruka did, and so, by default, Yukino had come to assume her duty was to be instinctively and automatically wary of Fujino at any and all times. And that influenced her views on Mirajane-san as well, even though Yukino realized that was not fair.

She couldn't help it regardless.

Besides, even leaving all of that aside, there was something inexplicably fearsome about Mirajane-san's sweetness, like she was secretly super-strong evil-powered evil or something.

"The Master? Oh yeah, you're right," said Lucy, who apparently already was far more casual around Mirajane than Yukino would likely ever get. "He's in a regular meeting, right?"

"What's a regular meeting?" Yukino asked.

"Oh, right, I keep forgetting you aren't from around here," Mirajane-san said, pulling out a softly glowing blue marker, and then starting to literally draw a diagram in the air for the gasping Yukino's benefit. Tsuwabuki-kun, who had been mopping the floor in silence in the background until that point, quietly approached to pay attention as well. "Look, this square up here stands for the Mage Council, the ten representatives from the most powerful countries in this world. Their job is to protect the balance in the Magical World, and to suck our magical taxes for it. Below them, we have the Master Leagues of each country. They control the Guilds and carry out trials on mages charged on criminal instances. The Guild masters, like Master Makarov, answer to them, and at least twice a year, they have to gather in a regular meeting to hand their reports to the Master Leagues. It's quite a complex and difficult job, so you can see why the Master is such a remarkable man."

"When he isn't being a pervert," Lucy muttered under her breath.

"I see..." Tsuwabuki-kun slowly said. "Wow, that's very interesting! But, I thought not all mages had to work in Guilds?"

"Well, it's not illegal to practice magic on your own, as long as you don't use it to commit crimes," Mirajane explained, "but generally speaking, mages prefer to work in tandem under the auspices of a Guild. Guilds offer medical coverage, reliable companions for missions, and a retirement fund. Besides, a good Master of the Guild will allow their mages to use their time as they best deem convenient, as long as they don't bring dishonor to the Guild or break any laws. A lone mage will usually have a harder time being offered respectable jobs, and if they're skimmed on their payment, they'll have a much harder time proving it before the authorities."

"I get it," Yukino nodded. "So all Guilds across the world are connected to each other through this system?"

The beautiful woman with long silvery hair flinched subtly for a moment. "Well. Not all of them, exactly. Just like the Old World has, from what I've heard, its own terrorist cells and criminal groups, ours has Dark Guilds– oh, and Lina Inverse. They're guilds that operate underground, not following any laws. So be careful when you venture out again, because they—"

"THEY ROAM AROUND DRAGGING YOU INTO DAAAAAARKNEEESSSSSS!" a salmon-haired figure loomed ominously behind Yukino, Tsuwabuki and Lucy, cackling evilly as it did.

"EEEEEEEEEEE!" Tsuwabuki and Yukino figuratively jumped out of their skins.

"Natsu, cut it out!" an annoyed Lucy just casually backhanded him, making the young man with the white scarf and open black vest laugh goofily. "If you have enough time as to go around pranking people, better use it to help me pick a job!"

Natsu now frowned. It was remarkably surprising, Yukino thought, how quickly that strange man could flip from one emotion to another and then yet another. Was it because of his magic, or he just bipolar and off his meds? "Eh? But you said, after last time, you'd never let me and Happy choose a job again!"

"That's right, aye!" a small blue cat with white wings said, flapping up and into sight from behind Natsu. It bothered Yukino she wasn't finding all of that crap unusual at all anymore. "And a woman of her word never changes her mind!"

"I had to say that, because you only dragged us into a stupid quest for some fish that was inedible anyway!" Lucy accused the cat.

"I thought it was pretty good," Natsu muttered, rubbing his well toned stomach, visible because of his lack of a shirt under the vest. The view did nothing for Yukino, who preferred to discreetly look at Lucy's chest as it bounced slightly with her indignant huffy breathing.

"Maybe Miss Lucy should just go with a different team already?" wondered aloud a cool, manly voice from another table.

They looked around towards where a handsome, young man with short black hair in nothing but boxers sat carelessly, smoking a cigarette with an air of the utmost confidence. "I heard you did an excellent job at taking Duke Everlue down. I bet you'll get plenty of recruitment offers."

"Actually, most of that was done by Natsu..." Lucy had to somberly admit.

"What she said," Natsu said. "Butt off, Gray."

"Are you telling me what to do again, asshole?" the man named Gray lost all of his cool suddenly, grabbing Natsu by the vest.

"Yeah, gotta problem with it, bastard?!" Natsu bared his teeth at him.

"Gray," Mirajane-san patiently said, "you've stripped down again. Don't do that..."

"What a pervert, and not in a good way," Motsu commented.

As Lucy began to agree, another handsome young man, this one much better dressed, bleached blond and flashing a bright smirk, approached her quite closely while subtly pushing a gasping Yukino aside, winking at the busty girl behind his dark glasses. "Lucy... wouldn't you like to be in a team with me? Just the two of us, I'm pretty sure we won't need anyone else..."

"Who are you again?" Lucy bluntly asked him, giving a step back and scowling.

"Oh, that's right, you're still quite new here and we haven't been properly introduced. They call me Loki— WHAT, What is that around your waist?!" he abruptly cried, breaking into panic as he pointed at the keys secured around Lucy's right hip.

"What do you think? They are my keys as a Stellar Spirit Mage, of course," she said. "Or did you believe I was a doorwoman?"

"Sorry, then!" Loki yelled, running at full speed in the opposite direction. "But this is the end of our summer romance!"

"We had a summer romance?" Lucy said, then noticed Yukino and Tsuwabuki's further confusion. "You guys don't know about Stellar Spirit Mages either? Well, basically I am a summoner of celestial spirits from another world." She patted her generous hip and added, "These grandkeys allow me to summon the spirits of the Zodiac to do my bidding..."

"With mixed results at best!" Happy the cat cheerfully piped in.

"Shut up, you!" Lucy snapped at him.

"Is that something that is supposed to be terrible or dreadful?" Hikaru asked, suddenly appearing right at Yukino's side, still wearing her cooking apron, greatly startling the glasses-wearing girl. "Because, the way Loki-san just ran away..."

"No, no, it's just Loki had an... interesting story with a stellar spirit mage," Mirajane gently said, right before telling Natsu and Gray, both of whom now rolled across the floor viciously punching and calling each other names, "Will you boys just stop that already?"

"He started it!" they both said at once, still slamming their fists into their faces.

"And why is he named like the Norse Goddess of Stories and Breakfast Foods, anyway?" Hikaru asked, right before countering Yukino's incoming counter-question with a, "What? I pay attention in classes sometimes!"

"Well," Mirajane said, "there's an interesting story behind THAT, too..."

Mr. Interesting Stories came back running as fast as he had been while exiting the hall. "Oh crap, this is serious!" he yelled at the fighting mad boys. "Gray, Natsu, drop it! ERZA'S BACK!"

* * *

The Black Rose Baron, who had been circling around the manor's front, attempting to find a way around the barrier shielding it and preventing her from entering after Negi, suddenly noticed the barrier going down long enough to grant her access.

There was no hesitation. She proved her Spingfieldness by seizing her chance as soon as she saw it and leapt through the main entrance with a whispered activation phrase, a twirl of the baton, a dramatic flap of the cape, and a black rose thrown inside, just to keep the motif she had set for herself. After all, if you have given yourself a modus operandi, you should be sure of following it strictly no matter what. It was a basic matter of good form.

It surprised her to realize how mildly disappointed she had been when she landed on her feet in the already deserted main hall, nothing and no one pouncing on her yet. Maybe she was getting herself too dangerously addicted to the thrills of this bizarre lifestyle. The sooner she went back to the Welsh hills to purge that out of her system, the better. Probably dragging Negi along by an ear, if his own lifestyle kept on heading that way as well.

Her Springfieldness was once more proved by being completely ignorant of the concept for 'Schmuck bait'.

Her determination increased twofold, Nekane began following the trail of footsteps and slight slime residuals on the floor, a Light spell shining on the tip of her baton, throwing illumination on the darkness that waited ahead for her.

* * *

"Let me see if I got a good handle of this situation," Suzushiro Haruka stoically said, sitting within the bubble with all but two of Negi's other Ministra, plus the girls from that infamous and bothersome SOS Brigade. She knew they should never have approved that club, but had Fujino listened to her? NOOOOOOOOO! "You were collectively attacked in the baths, and that is why you are naked. I suppose that sounds rationable enough, so I will, this time, not blame it on Saotome-san and her deviantarted appetites..."

"Don't you mean 'deviant' and 'reasonable'?" Haruhi asked.

"Weren't you listening to her while you were discussing our association's approval?" Nagato blandly asked her.

"Actually, nope," Haruhi bluntly admitted. "Give me a break, though, it wasn't easy at all, the way she was yelling..."

Haruka stopped struggling in the arms of Ayaka and Yuuna, and finally relaxed enough for the two 3-A students to let go off her without the busty blond sempai leaping on Haruhi and strangling her. "... very well, I'll pretense I didn't hear that. Then, Konoe-san and Kagurazaka-san were attacked in their own room, which explains Konoe-san's sensible nightwear, but hardly Kagurazaka-san's scandalous little number..."

Asuna growled while Haruka tilted a back glance her way. "It's not my fault, the old creep's people put me in this thing!"

"Ah, yes, and that suspicious looking gentleman over there," Haruka huffed, looking towards where the Count stood with his back to them, watching over Jadeite's crystal ball and standing over Jadeite's own fallen body, "is the master of that little tart who attacked and kidnapped me. Although in my defense, at least I fell fighting, unlike others..." she hummed, folding her arms under her substantial chest, and looking at the spiked mace Yami had left at the opposite end of the backyard.

"I'm sorry I went down like the useless little whiny bitch I am! I'm sorry!" Ai whimpered.

"I'm sure Setchan fell fighting as well!" Konoe said.

"Not as well as the little twisted interloper in the other bubble, however," the Count made clear without looking back, and the girls and boys turned their attentions back onto the still unconscious and heavily restrained Matoi.

"Seriously?" Haruka sneered. "Hasegawa's little stalker put up such a good fight?"

Now the Count looked back at them above his shoulder, pointing at his eyepatch. "Believe it or not, but this has not healed yet, even though it should have already. I really wish to learn the secrets behind that terrible power."

"Was she protecting Hasegawa-san?" Haruka asked.

The Count nodded.

Haruka waved a hand. "Then all she'll say is it was 'because of the Power of DEEP LOVING' and leave it at that. Don't even bother!"

"Scariest part being, it'll probably be true too," Asuna opined, and Haruna and Sakurako nodded sagely.

"Nonsense," the Count said, his attention back on the crystal ball. "You humans like talking so much about that vaunted power of love, but I highly doubt it can perform even half of the 'miracles' you attribute to it. There must be something else, something dark and mysterious and incredibly powerful, to that young lady."

"Well yes, obviously, but what does that have to do with anything?" Asuna said.

Satomi cleared her throat and offered, firm and defiantly, "You cannot stand in the way of love! Love might be patient, love might be kind, love might not envy, boast, or be proud, it might not dishonor others, be self-seeking, easily angered, keep no record of wrongs, it might not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth, but it always protects! Always trusts! Always hopes! Always perseveres! Love never fails! When every star in the heavens grows cold, and when silence lies once more on the face of the deep, three things will endure! Faith! Hope! And 'Love!' And the greatest of these is ''Love!"'

The Count gave her a jaded, 'come on' stare.

"Her words, not mine," Hakase offered. "I just thought I should express them for her, since she is currently unable to do so. We might dislike each other, but that doesn't mean we can't show mutual respect. Well, at least I can because I'm better than her."

Sakurako frowned. "Since when are you that good at memorizing her words, Satomi-chan?"

"I couldn't help it!" her girlfriend said. "She repeats it almost literally the same spiel every day when Chisame tries to question her actions! It's like knowing the lyrics to 'Happy Birthday'! It just insidiously sunk in!"

"I see someone else has read Dresden, huh," Haruhi deadpanned while Nagato only nodded.

"Actually, it's paraphrased from the Christian Bible," Makie said. Everyone stared at her. "What? I pay attention in class sometimes!"

Haruka sighed. "Okay. Very well, then. So this is the way it's going to be."

She blandly shook a fist at the count, then droned, "Blah blah blah, you'll never get away with this, blah blah, our friends will defeat you. Blah blah."

The Count turned around and said in the same tone, "You are lost, blah blah, your friends shall fall to me, blah blah. All hope is lost, blah blah blah, sneer."

Haruka made a halfhearted and corny pose. "Power of love, blah blah blah, truth and justice, blah blah blah, creature of darkness racism, blah blah blah, change pose."

The Count waved a vaguely threatening hand in her general direction. "Mockery and scoffing, blah blah blah, powers you can't comprehend, blah blah blah, exaggerate my age, blah blah blah, brief mortals. Blah Blah. Do you think I should finish it with an evil laugh?"

"I would prefer it if you didn't," Haruka confessed.

"Oh, come on!" Haruhi growled. "How can anyone reject an evil laugh from an actual supervillain?! Are you nuts?!"

"No evil laugh, then," the Count agreed. "I like it better that way, actually. They are so demeaning. And there's this plain awful stereotype of demons as mad cackling beasts, when most of us are actually more calmed and collected than you pedestrian mortals..."

"What about the stereotype of female demons being easy bisexual nymphomaniacs who're always up for some fucking?" Haruna asked.

"Of course not," the Count said. "Most female demons are very nice, respectable women of good upbringing. You're thinking goddesses like Freya and, to be fair, that Aensland tart and her little sister."

"You still should go eat a dick, however," Haruhi told him.

Makie gave Haruka a confused look. "What was that for, Sempai?"

"Don't be dumb, it was the formal thing to say in an event like this!" Haruka snapped at her. "Even if you're book-dumb as a plank, I thought you at least should have learned that much from TV!"

"My moms only let me watch Disney Channel, My Little Pony and Mythbusters," Makie said.

Haruka stared. "Well, that explains a lot."

Then she realized something else, and took her Pactio outfit's light green jacket off while mumbling, then carefully tightened it around the sobbing and embarrassed Mikuru's upper body. "My apologizations," the Vice President humbly said. "I should have noticed your incomfort sooner."

"Bwah?" Mikuru blinked through her tears, then sniffled and smoothed the jacket down, trying to get it to also cover her crotch, something she could achieve for the most part since Haruka was taller and bigger than she was. "Ah, I mean, thank you so very much, Suh-Sempai!"

"Don't call me 'Sempai'! We're the same age and level!" Haruka hissed, crossing her arms over her own chest, although she still had the white bodysuit that used to be under the jacket on. "I-it's not like I like you or anything! It's merely out of pity!"

"Oh wow, the VP has a heart of gold after all!" Haruna cooed. "Tsundere confirmed!"

"Saotome-san," Ayaka warned.

"I never understood why Kikukawa-san endured at her side, but she really can be cute while 'dere'!" Haruna went on, leaning closer to an obviously irritated Haruka.

"Saotome-san!" Ayaka raised her voice.

"Ahh! Maybe it was fate that made us be kissed by Negi-kun the same night and have our first indirect kiss with each other!" Haruna said. "Perhaps the Haru-Haru duo is fated for great things! What if you give me your pants now, Sempai? After all, I think I'm starting to get all twitchy and wet down th—!"

Haruka just punched her squarely in the face.

"I tried to save you," Ayaka muttered. "You fool!"

"Worth it," Haruna chuckled around Haruka's knuckles.

* * *

"I... won't... surrender..." Yami clenched her teeth, exerting her strength and managing to pull free from most of the sticky binds holding her in place, ripping them apart from her body with visible effort, and doing much damage to her clothing, which went from fetishistically titillating but chaste to maid uniform-shaped sexy rags."... as long as my body holds!"

"Wow," Lala blinked. "That's really impressive. Before we continue fighting, though, could you please take Rito off yourself?"

Yami scoffed softly, grabbing the unconscious boy and nonchalantly ripping him off her back, leaving most of his shirt and the front of his pants stuck to Yami's maid outfit. His boxers, luckily, survived the ordeal. As she tossed him aside like a doll, she saw Lala diving in for a save, safely cradling him in her arms.

"Why do you care so much about one such as him?" Golden Darkness asked the princess.

"He's a good man, one of the best I have ever met," Lala said as she tenderly placed him on a couch, "and he's a noncombatant, so it wouldn't do involving him in a personal duel, would it?"

"I was unaware that was the philosophy of the house of Gid," Yami coldly commented.

"You're wrong. Despite most common perceptions, my father would prefer keeping fights strictly between warriors and armies, without involving civilians. It keeps annoying interlopers like Green Lanterns from getting involved," the pink haired girl stood against her. "At least as long as he's calm and thinking straight..."

Yami half-smirked. "Surely that isn't just a convenient way of saying he'd prefer to keep as many submitted subjects under his heel as he can?"

"You'd have to ask him," Lala frowned. "As for me, I genuinely care about Rito, Haruna, and all of their friends. Well, maybe not so much in a single singular case... but even there, I would go out of my way to keep that person safe! For I know Yue and Haruna care greatly about her!"

"Yue? Is that yet another fiancee of yours?"

Lala nodded. "Yeah. Why? Do you plan going after her next? Don't you think it's time to stop this absurd cycle of violence? What brought it in the first place anyway? It's not only about your current contract, I can tell that much. Why are you so mad at Haruna? Why can't you just let it go? Turn away, go out the door?"

"Let it go? _Let it go?-!_ What a princessly thing to say," Yami replied.

* * *

Mundus Magicus:

 _"Let it go! Let it go! Can't hold me back anymore!" cried Elsa of Arendelle as her ice castle took shape around her._

* * *

"... or queenly, I guess," Yami added for no reason she immediately understood. "For someone like you, it's easy to be magnanimous about offenses, but one who lives for and by the blade cannot allow them to go unpunished. Besides, I really hate ecchi that much."

Lala sweatdropped. "Oh dear. I hope you and Momo never meet each other..."

"I grow tired of this pointless debate. Please die already," Yami said, quickly charging her while deploying even more sharp instruments from all sides.

Lala just sighed wearily before flying between all of the cutting blades zeroing in on her, dodging them at breakneck speed, before balling up a fist and squarely slamming it at the middle of Golden Darkness' face.

The whole house quaked.

Somewhere, Superman sneezed.

* * *

Yukino, Hikaru, Motsu and Tsuwabuki watched, impressed, as a stunningly beautiful woman wearing silver armor all over her torso and arms walked in, her nice legs oddly uncovered in contrast, save for a short black skirt and knee-high black boots. She had curves in all the right places, and that was easy to see even through the armorplating that protected her upper half. Her hair was long and bright red, and her eyes shone with an intense, fierce vitality that still went well with the cool, confident pace of her measured stride. She couldn't be any older than twenty five, although she seemed too developed and mature to be anything below twenty. A raw aura of power and grace seemed to irradiate around her, yet her appearance was unmistakably feminine...

The spectacle had made everyone at the hall fall into a silence only broken by occasional gulps of nervousness or, in the cases of Natsu and Gray, who had quickly pulled away from each other, downright horror. Those who had been sharing drinks over tables stopped pouring liquor down their throats and simply sat in expectation, fingers unconsciously tightening around their jugs.

Oddest of all, however, was the fact the newcomer was holding a gigantic menhir easily supported on her shoulder, despite the fact it was thrice as big as herself.

"I... I think I'll be going now..." Loki said in a very small voice before discreetly sliding out past the back door of the hall.

"Oh, hey, Erza," Mirajane casually waved. "Welcome back. Finally wrapped up that job at the Vitalstatistix village?"

"Yes," the woman named Erza said, lowering the titanic menhir to the floor, making the hall tremble slightly for a moment. "Why the Alerans keep trying to annex them I'll never understand. They insisted on giving me this as a souvenir, too. Those Neo Gauls are crazy, but at least they have feasts like nobody else's..." she thoughtfully pondered for a moment before looking around. "Quite a few new faces, I see. Was I gone for that long?"

Mirajane smiled as she gestured towards Lucy. "This is Lucy Heartfilia, the newest recruit. And these are Kikukawa Yukino, Shidou Hikaru, and Tsuwabuki Mitsuru, drifters from the Old World doing temporary jobs to continue their travels. Just like her," she reached back into the kitchen through a door and just as easily pulled out a nerve-wrecked waiflike blonde girl in a stained robe and apron, unsteadily holding a knife in a hand and a half-peeled potato in the other. "Her name's Kiryuu Nanami-chan..."

"I can't keep on doing this any longer. Onii-sama, Onii-sama, why have you forsaken me?!" Nanami desperately cried as if she expected to be nailed to a tree. Just a second later, Mirajane pushed her back into the kitchen, still smiling just as much.

"I see," Erza coldly said. "Were they approved by Master Makarov?"

Mirajane nodded. "Just before he left for the regular meeting. Girls, Tsuwabuki-kun, this is Erza Scarlet, one of the Guild's strongest..."

"Cana!" Erza was telling a dark haired young woman in tight jeans and a skimpy bikini top, who had frozen in place with a barrel of whiskey in her hands. "That's no proper posture to be drinking at the Guild!"

"... my bad, Erza," Cana said weakly.

"Visitor, if you're going to dance, do it outside!" Erza was commanding in all directions. "Wakaba, why are you leaving cigarette butts all over the floor again? That stuff's going to kill you! Nav, stop hogging the request board and pick an assignment already, or better yet, take the assassination one! Paio, why are you here again? We've told you we don't want you around!"

"... but why? I'm awesome!" said the petite dark skinned girl with long white hair who was fondling the breasts of a stunned Laki Olietta from behind, all the while lustily eying Lucy, Mirajane and Erza herself's chests from afar, switching back and forth between them.

Erza huffed, flipping a stray lock of hair from her forehead. "You guys give me so much trouble... That's it, I'm not in the mood to tell you anything else tonight."

"Is she a disciplinary enforcer or something like that?" Lucy wondered aloud.

"Morals committee?" Yukino ventured.

"She's Erza!" Happy answered peppily.

Erza looked around once again, hands on her hips. "That reminds me... are Natsu and Gray here? I'd like to have a few words with them."

"They're hiding right behind that curtain for dear life, Red," Motsu said. "In a good way, I expect. I hope they aren't fondling each other's man parts now that we can't see them, although like I told Yukino, there's nothing wrong with that..."

"Thank you, Motsu," Erza graciously nodded, then looked towards said curtain, then fell silent. THEN, her gaze drifted at the small frog sitting on the floor between Hikaru and Yukino. And her mouth moved spastically, but she made no sound.

Motsu casually waved at her. "Been a while."

In a flash, before those from Mundus Vetus could even realize it had happened, Erza had grabbed Motsu, squeezed him tightly in a hand, and held it right before her face, staring into his tiny black eyes with blood-injected orbs. "Where's Nagi?!"

In truth, right now Motsu's eyes were not all that tiny and black. More like they suddenly popped into huge white ballons with tiny black pupils about to fall off. "ANIMAL ABUSEEEEEEEE! IN A BAD WAYYYYYYYY!" he shouted, the upper half of his face dislodging back enough for his tongue to snake out madly, with a truly sickening strangled sound.

"I'll go see if Nanami-sama needs any help with the potatoes," Tsuwabuki quickly excused himself out.

It was just another perfectly ordinary day in Fairy Tail.

* * *

"So who's next?" Minako asked as she and the others raced after the swiftly moving Slime Sisters, turning another corner. Did this forsaken house never end? It was starting to look like something out of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, where they would run past the same doors in the same repeating corridors over and over. "I mean, who's going to be the next one to be separated from the group and be picked up by a member of your Quirky Miniboss Squad?"

"Hm, well," Ameko said, producing a small paper out of her body, unfolding it, and reading it while oozing across the wall she was running along now. "Ah, it seems that'd be you, Venus-san. You've been waiting for it, hadn't you?" Then she adopted a mock solemn poise and said in a much deeper voice, her face morphing slightly for a moment, "Rejoice, Sailor Venus! Your wish will finally come true!"

 _Somewhere, there was a creep pervert priest sneeze._

"... that sounds like it should sound familiar, but I can't pin it down," Minako confessed. "Anyway, yeah, it's about time Jadeite shows himself if he's really wrapped up in this! I'm sick of that guy always throwing monsters after us but never facing us himself! What kind of coward— AAAAAIIEEEEEE!" she shrieked as they came to a sudden halt, when a brown-maned adult lion appeared out of the shadows blocking their way, stepping before them.

"Negi-kun, save me!" Misora instantly dashed behind Negi, pulling Cocone along with herself. The boy only gulped and stood his ground, staff at the ready.

"Don't mind him, he's only here for show. We used to work at an amusement park, you see," sweetly said the young woman Jadeite had sent after them a few scenes ago, placing a small gloved hand on the lion's head. In her other hand, she held a shiny red apple. "I am the Princess of Dreams! Pleased to meet you!"

"Princess... of... Dreams?" Akira gasped, then asked, "Ah! Would you happen to be the Princess of the Moon?!"

"The Princess of the what now?!" Misora cried.

Akira nodded. "As Sailor Senshi, our main duty is to find the Moon Princess, or so Artemis-san says."

"Sorry, but I am not the princess you're search for," the Princess of Dreams said. "However, I—"

"I don't get it," Shiho said. "This Moon Princess, is she a Princess of the literal Moon, or is that just some kind of weird title? And why would you need to find her? Royalty are nothing but figureheads nowadays. Is it an inheritance thing or something?"

"Please," the Princess of Dreams politely requested, "I'm talking here, and I would greatly appreciate it if you—"

"We don't know, _someone's_ being cryptic as hell about it," Minako accused while Artemis whistled and looked aside. "I think she comes from the literal Moon, yeah, and I know that's wild, but apparently, thousand of years ago, there was this actual civilization on the Moon..."

At this point, the Dream Princess' right eyebrow began twitching.

"Thousands of years ago? That's some tinfoil hat conspiracy!" Shiho said. "Then that girl's family's been living on Earth for millennia?"

"Actually," Akira said. "It seems the Moon Princess has reincarnated in some girl in this country and time, but we have no way of knowing exactly where..."

"Maybe it's Misora," Cocone said. "She's an orphan with a mysterious origin, after all."

"Really?!" Aino's eyes lit up. "Whoa, you're right, that's the way things always work out in these stories!"

"I... a Princess?!" Misora perked up visibly. "Wow, that'd be awesome! Well, I know I have the talents and grace for it, that's for sure..."

"A Princess in my class! I'd be so honored!" Negi gushed. "I really hope that's right, Misora-san! I'd be so happy for you!"

At this point, the false lion's right eyebrow started twitching as well.

"Hey, hey now, snap out of it!" Shiho growled, pointing angrily. "I don't think that skinny weirdo's got the type of a princess at all, and I can feel a really evil aura coming outta that woman!"

Misora stared at her. "What do you know about Princesses, Squid-Head? You were living right next to some demonic princess and you never guessed it!"

"That's not true! I always had my suspicions!"

"That's what you say now! "

"At least I don't fall for the enemy's lies at at the drop of a hat just because they tickled my ego!"

"Don't fight, don't fight!" Artemis, Akira and Negi asked at once.

"My lies? I never said any of you were the Moon Princess, you came up with that shitall by yourselves, you horrible brats!" the Princess of Dreams threw her arms up, before realizing all stares were on her now. Her creamy flesh blushing, she straightened herself and coughed with a delicate fist on her mouth. "Ahem. Sorry, that was quite unbecoming of me. Why don't we play together to make up for it? I'll give you candy!" she chirped, producing a caramel baton out of her dress and holding it high.

"Sorry, my sister always told me to never go with strangers who offered candy," Negi said. "You have a van somewhere around here, don't you?"

"... what does a van have to do with any..." the Dream Princess then interrupted herself, shaking her head. "Anyway, you aren't invited to this particular party, Professor! You are to be reunited with the Count himself at the backyard party!"

"So you don't want to have a forbidden candy-baiting stranger danger predator party with Negi-kun, then..." Misora hummed.

"No-ope!" the Dream Princess chirped. "Only with the Sailor Senshi!"

Misora nodded. "Gay!" she deduced.

Everyone else facefaulted.

"I mean, for you to reject Negi-kun's forbidden boyish charms and prefer to spend time here in the dark with two girls in microskirts, that's gotta mean you're gay!Not that there's anything wrong with that," Misora protested. "And not that I mind, more for me that way, but you aren't even the kind of gay who has good taste, or you'd have picked me too!"

"... Misora's got a point there," Cocone allowed as she rose back.

"I don't understand," Negi confessed, picking himself back up as well.

"I'M NOT GAY!" the Dream Princess shouted, proving she was Jadeite's Youma after all.

* * *

Yuuki Rito slowly woke up from his strange recurring dream of being surrounded by gigantic, warm marshmallows that talked with the voices of Haruna, Mikan, Nao, his mother, Kotegawa-san and, as of late, Shiina Sakurako, to realize the whole room he was into was trembling periodically. Looking up as best as he could, no small feat given how much his head seemed to be weighing, he saw the tremors were due to Lala being on top of that Golden Darkness girl on the floor, pinning her down and violently punching her over and over.

Normally, the sight of the girl's mostly ripped off clothes (poor Peke-chan seemed to be crying in silence, too) would have made Rito faint again, but the concern about the crazy girl's wellbeing forced him to remain awake and push himself back up. Not to mention a part of him was also wondering, could you punch someone non-violently? Didn't that beat the whole purpose of punching people?

Never mind that now. It was clear Lala was going overboard with it now, since she clearly had the smaller girl fully dominated and yet kept on hitting. The blonde kept on trying to kick Lala off herself, not to mention push her back with her morphing hair, but she obviously was not even making Lala bulge back. Even the strands of hair that tried to take a sharp shape to stab Lala with only fizzled and decayed before being able to connect, and the brutality of the punishment made Rito cringe.

"Lala!" he called out. "Cut it out! Don't you think it's been enough?"

"Oh, hey, Rito, you're okay, that's so good!" Lala forced herself to smile as she kept on pummeling Yami. "Sorry, but I can't let her go until she's unconscious!"

"I... fight... on to the end!" Yami defiantly said before Lala's right fist collided against her mouth again.

Rito staggered back to his feet. "Lala, enough," he coughed. "Seriously. You're going to kill her!"

"I don't think so. She's certainly more resistant than I initially thought," Lala said through clenched teeth while reinforcing the punishment. "If I let her go now, she'll recover quickly enough as to—"

"Lala!" Rito shouted.

"She's... right, Yuuki Rito," Yami said, strained in tone and deliver, one eye fully swollen and blackened by that point. "I know of no mercy, and once on a job, I won't back away until the target or I are dead. And I haven't died yet, so..."

"See, she agrees with me!" Lala said while dodging a desperate lash from one of Yami's hair tendrils.

"What the hell are you two on?!" the boy protested. "And then you girls call us men hotheads?! What's the point of this all? You weren't even hired to kill us, Darkness-san, since you didn't even know who I was, and you were surprised to find Lala here!"

Yami paused after one of Lala's blows made her head rattle in a particularly nasty way. "That might be true, but still... you ARE Saotome Haruna's—"

"Were you even hired to kill Haruna-chan either?!" Rito cried. "Then, if you're so good, she'd be dead already!"

"Well, no, but it's something personal by now, as soon as the Count disposes of her I—" Yami then formed a large hand out of her hair and blocked Lala's fist with it. "I don't mind you hitting me to death during a conflict, but shouldn't we pause to partake in a civilized conversation?"

"Point," Lala conceded, then stopped herself... only to mildly slap Yami's face a moment later.

"Hey!" Yami snapped.

"Sorry," Lala said. "A parting shot. In my family, we like always having the last word."

Rito sighed. "Darkness-san... What would it take for you to call off your vendetta against Haruna-chan? Do you really have to kill her to, I don't know..."

"To wash my honor? Yes, she would have to die," Yami said.

"I don't think," Lala said, "this is going to be a fruitful conversation. Can't I just punch her silly already? Haruna's waiting for us!"

Rito rubbed his aching temples. "You weren't doing such a hot job at leaving her unconscious, were you? Let me try to talk things over!"

Lala pouted.

"Okay," Rito told Yami. "There's gotta be something else Haruna-chan can do to placate you. Are you sure apologizing a lot wouldn't suffice?"

"It might be a good start to make her death swift and painless instead of long and painful," Yami allowed.

"Good, we are progressing," Rito said. "How about some help with that setup you mentioned being a victim of, then? Haruna's mom knows a lot about entrapment and frame-up jobs, I'm sure she could help you with that..."

Yami's passive expression showed some slight interest. "Continue, Yuuki Rito," she commanded, despite her obviously disadvantageous position under an eye rolling Lala.

* * *

"— oka, please. We need you. Negi-sensei needs you!"

"It's not working. Just let me do it already."

"But that's just plain mean. S-Shouldn't we just take her to the infirmary?"

"We don't have the time for that, Izumi! Just step aside and let someone with actual experience in a crisis handle this!"

"But… but maybe she's right, if even she woke up before Nodoka, then maybe she is—"

"Well, why don't you try waking her up with a kiss, then?! I'm sure that'd be far more up your alley!"

"What are you trying to imply there, Chisame-san? At least I'm not the one who kissed naked with Asuna-san in front of everybody else in the baths!"

"That's a low blow! You know the real situation behind that now! Dammit, Tatsumiya, you're the practical one! If you aren't going to come with us, at least take my side here! Negi and Tsunetsuki don't have a lot of time!"

"These buns are really good, Yue-san. Did you cook them, or did Miyazaki...?"

"DAMMIT, TATSUMIYA! STOP TREATING THIS LIKE A JOKE!"

"It was Nodoka, actually. She's fairly good at cooking and... Ah!"

"An opening!" Chisame said, rushing past Ako and Yue and splashing her glass of water all over Nodoka's face.

For a moment that didn't seem to change anything but the way a sullen Yue looked at Chisame, but then Nodoka stirred and sat up groggily on the bed, holding a hand to her head. "Oh, oh my, what a headache... Wait, why am I n-n-naked?!" she cried, tightening the blankets against her chest.

"You were having a four wa—" Mana began as she stuffed another leftover bun from the dinner into her mouth.

"Don't start with that crap again!" Chisame growled before grabbing Nodoka by the shoulders and shaking her, ignoring Yue's attempts to stop her from doing so. "Listen, Bookstore, we don't have a lot of time, so you'd better start remembering already! Remember the old freak who broke in, pummeled the crap out of Negi and that Kotaro brat, and then kidnapped Matoi away! And Tatsumiya won't help, so you're the only plot device person we can resort to without letting everyone know Negi's secret been compromised! Again!"

"Oh, so now she's 'Matoi' and not 'Tsunetsuki'?" Mana mused aloud.

"Uwaaaaa?" a confused Nodoka said, boggling slightly before blinking and pausing. Chisame huffed and let her go while the librarian sorted her memories out in silence, with Yue warmly holding one of her hands. Then, at last, she nodded slowly with a sinking cold realization. "Y-Yes, I think I remember now, although most of it is still a blur, but— Are you saying, Negi-sensei and Kotaro-kun aren't here anymore?" she gasped, looking around in all directions. Other than the still asleep Kero, she couldn't see anyone in the room but her four classmates.

"They went after the old man with Kasuga, Cocone, Haruna's boyfriend, his mistress and those two vigilante weirdos," Chisame grumbled. "So of course, it's up to us to bail them out before they do something even more stupid! Again!"

"I wouldn't call them 'vigilante weirdos'," a sullen Ako muttered, tapping on her own knees with her fingers.

"So anyway, use your plot device card to solve it all!" Chisame urged Nodoka. "It's still night, so it should work! Just write, I don't know, 'Then Negi and the others were back at home and the old guy fell down a manhole and broke his neck' or something like that!"

Nodoka blinked, staring blankly at Chisame's face. "But... it doesn't work like that, Chisame-san."

"What do you mean, it doesn't? Of course it does! You even staged that whole fairy tale wedding fiasco at Kyoto with it, remember?!"

Nodoka held a hand up. "That's only a temporary fantasy scene that would be dispelled as soon as dawn comes, Chisame-san. The Create can't do anything that lasts past the night, so all we'd achieve would be for Negi-sensei and the others to be back wherever they originally were as soon as the effect runs out. Besides, it doesn't seem to affect real people, it just makes things based on what's written or drawn."

"Besides, if demon magic is involved," Mana said, "odds are Honya-san's magical artifact wouldn't be able to do much against it. Not at her strength yet, anyway. And they have Asuna-san as well. Even if they aren't harnessing her anti-magic to protect themselves against that kind of thing, which is what I would do if I were a clever high rank demon... then you still couldn't bring her along by using magic, most likely."

"... that's a sad but acceptable loss in the great scheme of things, I suppose," Chisame replied.

Ako gasped. "Chisame-san! That's no way to dismiss your girlfriend!"

"She isn't my girlfriend!"

"Of course not, Izumi-san," Mana nodded to Ako. "She's her ex. Tsunetsuki-sempai is her current girlfriend..."

"If you aren't going to help at all, then you could at least keep your mouth shut!"

"From what I've been able to observe," Yue pointed out, "Tsunetsuki-sempai is just an unrequited lover, but Chisame-san's heart truly lies in hope of a three-way relationship with Negi-sensei and Hakase-san..."

"Oi!" Mana said. "If the next door neighbor says it, it must be true! I wonder how Shiina will take it once she learns..."

"Goddamn idiots, stop joking about my imaginary love life at a moment like this!"

"Chisame-san's right in everything but the 'idiots' part, everyone," Nodoka said as she finished suiting up, zipping a thick sweater with her hood up over the rest of her clothes, including practical blue jeans. She had learned through trial and error that was the best wardrobe to hunt Clow Cards in, since it was far easier to move into than anything more fancy. This merely showed she had never really worn something specially custom fitted for her. "The Clow Cards don't make fighting automatic victories, but as long as they give me any edge to help my friends, I'll use them as best as I can. So let's cut through the nonsense and head over to help them!"

"Okay, some common sense at last. That's good," Chisame reluctantly nodded. "They're in the old haunted house by the river. Can you get us, at least, something to take us there quickly enough?"

Nodoka smiled, then activated The Create, taking the feather to one of its pages. "Something efficient, fast and not too flashy, correct?"

* * *

Inugami Kotaro had been in difficult and life threatening fights many times before (he'd gone to an upscale private school as a kid), but this particular combat was... interesting because of a few special reasons. Normally, when fighting a tough guy, there was a pattern to their actions that would let you see an opening in them, plus a show of their aptitudes, skills and weaknesses, to exploit through said opening. This was usually because they grew up in Nerima, where braincells went to die.

With this guy, it wasn't so much that his actions and patterns were difficult to predict or anything. Compared to Kotaro himself, he was very slow and lacked mobility, although Kotaro guessed he'd have looked like a fairly fast fellow for someone of his bulk to a non-fighter. And it wasn't like he packed an impressive array of moves either. Straight slugger and short range brawler, aided only by the length of those meaty, beefy and yet impressively hard arms of his.

But even though he gave plenty of openings, it wasn't like those openings were that exploitable— Kotaro found plenty of chances to claw and slash at him from all angles, but it was like punching at a figurative steel wall. Mocking and taunting him had yielded no results either— the slow, silent thug gave no signs of acknowledging Kotaro's tough guy streetwise cheap talk (which was just rude), so the boy had cut it shortly. It made him waste perfectly good breath, plus, despite appearances, in a fight for him the talk was more about making the enemy lose focus and balance than about allowing Kotaro vent out (Kotaro had NOT grown up in Nerima).

"The strong and silent type," he still allowed himself another quip, more to himself than to the big lug who obviously couldn't bother, just ramming ahead to try and trample all over the wolf boy yet again. "I like that, you know. And so do they!"

He moved his furry arms and summoned six of his shadow wolves, who quickly rushed the huge bum, biting and howling at him from all sides, despite his punches and sweeps at left and right to try and swat them away. That had bought Kotaro some extra time to ponder his next course of action. The man just walked from anything he dished out and still kept on walking. Unlike him, it was like he was inexhaustible, like some sort of machine or undead. Or probably both. He wasn't doing any damage on Kotaro yet, since he barely could keep up with him or catch him speed-wise, but if this kept on going for... oh, a few hours more or so, he'd tire the kid easily, and the kid was well aware of that.

And the worst part of it all, if he didn't finish this guy soon, then Egghead wouldn't stop pestering him about what took him so long. Now, distracting him while Kotaro kept on going ahead was a perfectly viable solution, but Kotaro's ego wouldn't let him do that either. It felt underhanded and cheap, simply outrunning the man to catch up with Egghead, although...

Kotaro smirked as Walter finished slugging the last of his shadows away, then recalled them back with a motion of a hand (a clear sign he'd once been a criminal, since everyone knew that was a bad guy move). Taking hold of two pillars of the room, and taking advantage of the weakened state Cocone's lightning had left the upper floors at previously, the hulked out hairy boy growled, then pulled and tugged, calculating his movements according to the advancing behemoth's current position just long enough as to—

"Here it goes!" Kotaro barked, then gave a last tug, bringing the already struggling upper layers of that section of the house collapsing down on the brute just as he was about to capture him. Kotaro jumped up and out of his reach, one of those oversized hands barely missing his heel as the boy flipped through the air acrobatically, dodging a lot of incoming rubble as it plummeted down on the monster. With some satisfaction, he thought he noticed a brief flash of surprise on the fellow's pale face before it all crumbled on him, burying him under a mountain of wreckage.

Kotaro silently prayed he hadn't overdone it as he fell along, on top of the rubble, crouching down and listening carefully. Last thing the girls needed was to have the whole house collapsing on them, and he'd never forgive himself if a miscalculation... No. He couldn't allow himself to think that. In his line of work there was no place for self-doubt after action. He only had to be sure his latest gamble had paid off as well as usual. Because he was that good, right?

He remained quiet and silent and listened on. There were a few creaks, and the howls of the cold wind blowing from the huge hole above him, threatening to unleash more of the blizzard, but after a while, the sounds of further potential collapse stopped. Nor was there any rumbling from underneath him, nothing indicating the big fella was anything but unconscious, or... well, it was unlikely he already was alive in the first place, right? He had done worse before. It was part of why he couldn't return home with Mom.

It never felt right, though, and neither did it now.

Shaking his head, Kotaro simply leapt down from the wreckage, then ran after the trail left behind by Negi and the others, not bothering to look back.

If he had, he might have noticed the gigantic hand slowly pushing free from the debris, feeling around in a chilling silence…

* * *

"Regardless," the Princess of Dreams regained her composure, elegantly moving her hands around, "it is time for the Sailor Senshi to join me in this palace of wonders, sweet dreams and earthly pleasures, while the rest of you go to face the Count's nightmare..."

"Are you coming on to us now?" Venus said suspiciously.

Misora blinked. "Technically, we haven't established yet if I'm the Princess of these girls or not, right?"

As the Dream Princess gestured delicately, the whole room began changing, subtly shifting from a dusty, decaying visual mess to a vibrant, colorful chamber filled with all sorts of pastels and bright tones. The furniture changed as well, from being half broken and crumbling to looking plush and comfortable, inviting and dreamlike in nature. The ceiling suddenly gained a giant crystal chandelier, and the rugged, half-eaten-by-moths carpet turned into a lush, silken red carpet worth a king. Negi, Akira and Misora couldn't help but ahhhhh-ing in shock.

The Dream Princess smiled, very pleased at herself as she stroke her lion's mane. "This is only a slight showing of what I can do!"

"It's so... gay!" Shiho commented.

"Yeah, definitely, it's gay even for a girl!" Sailor Venus nodded.

The Princess of Dreams violently facefaulted. "I'M NOT GAY!" she roared, jumping back on her feet a moment later.

Shiho gave her a dirty look. "We meant it in the original, true sense of 'gay'. Meaning, something that is highly colorful and striking in nature."

Venus nodded. "Yeah, what a dirty mind you have, thinking otherwise! It all has to relate to sexuality somehow, doesn't it?"

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much..." Artemis joined in, rather slyly.

"STOP PLAYING WITH MY MIND, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND!" the Princess yelled. "You're so mean, such horrible little girls, I could scream...!"

"Divine Lightning Retribution," a bored sounding Cocone said, lifting her cross and making another bolt from above pass through the ceiling, then land squarely on the Dream Princess, rattling her violently amidst her screams of agony and pain.

 _Somewhere, Kyon burped in his sleep._

Negi flinched. "Cocone-chan, isn't this—"

"I plan to spam this for all it's worth," Cocone blandly said. "Otherwise, why did I get it in the first place?"

"You," Shiho told her, giving her an impressed nod. "I think I like you."

The battered, charred form of the Princess then crawled up from the resulting wide hole on the formerly pristine floor, twitching and wearing the roughly severed, animatronic-looking head of the lion on the top of her own head. The lion's head had tiny Xs for eyes now, and the Princess groaned while tossing it aside, coming to stand again before Negi and Company.

Her face's flesh had mostly fallen off, revealing a creepy doll-head underneath it. Her formerly cute and adorable eyes were those now of a mannequin straight from Uncanny Valley, USA, or perhaps a PlayStation One cinematic scene. Her mouth had lost its soft pink lips and now looked like that of a ventriloquist's puppet, moving up and down stiffly as she tried to regain her voice. Even her dress had changed its colors, from feminine white and pink to stark red and black. She had become some sort of Arkham Asylum fetishistic dream, all things considered.

* * *

'Somewhere, Sailor Uranus sneezed, and can came to a startling conclusion. "Of course! Batman is Ben Affleck! It all makes sense!" She was promptly shut up by Sailor Neptune and Servant Temptress.

* * *

"I... I-I, you..." she rigidly said with a dry semblance of her former voice. "You-aren't-playing-this-game-the-way—"

"Divine Lightning Retribution," Cocone said, bringing the bolt down on her again.

 _Somewhere, Kyon turned over in his sleep, almost falling off his bed._

"AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!" the Dream Princess said, then blew up into pieces of wood and plastic and something else that was far more organic and gooey in nature, making Negi and Misora shriek in aghast horror.

"— well," Akira said, with a small sweatdrop on her head, "now this was sort of anticlimactic."

"You, you just killed that woman! Cocone-chan!" Negi protested.

"Oh, it's okay, that was just a Youma," Venus easily said. "They have no human rights. Kinda like paparazzi."

"She was having a clearly sapient, sort of rational conversation with us just moments ago!" Negi argued.

"Youmaaaa! Doesn't couuuuunt! Paparazzzzzi!" Venus waved a hand at him. "What counts is, dammit girl, that was our kill! Our EXP! We're the Sailor Senshi, and that was a Sailor Senshi enemy! Pretty Sammy, that talking duck in the cape and hat, the samurai girl who hangs out with the guy with bleached hair, that girl who goes around shooting pink deathbeams and all the rest will start laughing at us if they ever learn we let a random civilian kill our enemies for us! That's not the way things are done in this business!"

"I don't mind, actually," Sailor Mercury quietly said, rubbing one of her arms up and down awkwardly.

"That's an intelligent life we've just taken!" Negi insisted.

"I won't tell anyone if you guys don't," Shiho said.

A long silence fell over all parties involved.

Finally, Misora nodded. "I'm okay with that."

"But, but, but...!" Negi sobbed.

Venus sighed, then walked over to pat Negi's shoulders. "Listen, Sensei. When a youman is killed, it really doesn't die, it just destroys its host body and the actual youma actually returns to its place of origin in, um, the Youma Kingdom, where it goes on to live happily forever after with its fellow Youma after some mild bullying over having failed at bloodily killing us."

Negi sniffled, then asked, "R-Really...?!"

Venus smiled and nodded. "Of course really!"

Artemis blinked. "Wait, that's only a load of crap you've just—!"

Akira quietly placed her boot's sole on his head and gently pressed down against the floor.

"ANIMAL ABUSEEEEEE!" came Artemis' muffled scream from under her sole.

 _Somewhere, Chamo etc, etc..._

While Shiho, Misora and Cocone grew gigantic sweadrops, Negi pulled himself back together with a wide smile. "Okay, now that puts my mind at ease! Let's go ahead, together we can succeed against anything! You did a great job, Cocone-chan, sorry for doubting you!"

Cocone only gave him a silent thumbs up.

* * *

"Whoa!" Asuna said as she looked at the crystal ball, "Cocone-chan's hardcore! Way to go, Cocone-chan!"

"She's got a Pactio! That means she kissed Negi-kun!" Misa all but foamed from the mouth while Ayaka sniffled and chewed on her own knuckles. "Why, that little hussy! I'll give her a good piece of my mind when she gets here! Doesn't she have enough with the stunt she pulled at the Christmas party?!"

"Could you please not yell?" the Count said reprovingly. "I'm standing right here. If you don't calm down I won't allow you to watch the crystal ball anymore. A hostage being allowed to watch the crystal ball is a privilege, not a right."

"Sorry, mister demon kidnapper," everyone chorused, sounding like they were in gradeschool and feeling mildly stupid for doing so.

"Maybe," Sakurako ventured, "she got her Pactio from Misora instead?"

Again, silence.

"... okay, I guess everyone's innocent until otherwise proven," Misa conceded. "Besides, she's coming to save us, risking her own life, so maybe I was too impulsive and harsh on the little tyke. I guess I'm simply too emotional, but given the circumstances, I really don't think I can be blamed for being on edge..."

* * *

"I'm sure glad you and this girl kissed so we wouldn't have to, Negi-sensei!" Shiho said as they kept on running towards the back of the mansion.

* * *

"THAT'S IT, I'M GOING TO KILL THAT LITTLE NO GOOD SLUT!" Misa roared and kicked while Sakurako and Madoka barely could keep her steady from behind, their naked bodies rubbing against each other, their petite breasts mashed against Misa's smooth back, and their— fine, I'll stop by now.

"Okay, that's it, that purple-haired girl has lost crystal ball privileges," the Count said. "You're staying in the back of the magic floating bubble where you can't watch!"

A worried Haruna placed a hand on her right cheek. "She didn't want to kiss Negi-kun? Something's seriously wrong with that poor girl..."

"HEYYYYYY!" Asuna growled.

* * *

Hikaru cheerfully looked at Mirajane-san and asked her, "So, from where do they know each other?"

Mirajane shrugged, looking at how Erza squeezed Motsu impossibly tightly with mild interest. "I have no idea. Erza is one of those mysterious past types, actually."

"You're the same way!" Erza icily growled her way, her vicious grip on the frog never relenting.

"True, and that adds so much to our charm, doesn't it?" Mirajane beamed a coquettish smile and a wink. Hikaru and Yukino proceeded to sweatdrop big-time.

"I have no idea where Nagi is now, in a good way or a bad way," Motsu gurgled."If I did, do you think I'd be roaming the hills with a bunch of loser kids way over their head, in a bad way?"

"HEY!" Hikaru, Yukino, and, from the kitchen, Nanami and Tsuwabuki snapped all at once.

"Loser kids?" Erza frowned, her gaze wandering around to fall onto Yukino and Hikaru, who instantly gave two steps back each in primal fear. The other woman didn't seem to regard them in anger, however. "What lies has this little freak fed you with?" she calmly asked them instead.

"I told them no lies!" an upset Motsu tried to squirm free, to absolute no avail. "You tell 'em, girls! Tell 'em of how Guru Clef chose you, in a good way!"

At that point, Mirajane, Erza, and the rest of the Fairy Tail members present visibly perked up, their eyes growing wide. All of them but Natsu, who had started picking his nose in the interim, and Happy, who simply stood around looking stupid. "Guru Clef?" Natsu finally snorted, flicking a booger that sizzled with a tiny flame of its own down on the floor, then putting it off with a foot.

"Actually," Yukino offered, "it was Princess Emeraude who chose us, Guru Clef just guided us to Presea after giving us some advice..."

"Highly questionable advice!" Nanami yelled from the kitchen.

"Presea? Is she still alive?" a mildly confused Erza asked. "I had heard—"

"Actually, she was quite alive, and Shichimi and me were staying with her, until the Magic Knights came along and brought on a witch that killed her. In a really bad way," Motsu said. "Not that I'm saying that was anyone present's fault, of course, but..."

"Wait, so you guys are really the Magic Knights from the CLAMP prophecies?!" Lucy gasped. "The ones who'll save Mundus Magicus in its darkest hour?!"

With tiny blank eyes and terrified expressions, Yukino and Hikaru nodded.

Mirajane sighed. "I liked being alive. Oh, well..."

Gray waved a dismissive hand. "Oh, please, doom prophecies are a dime a dozen. 'In a thousand years time, Nightmare Moon will return'. 'The Dragon will be Reborn to fight the Shadow'. 'Ancient scrolls told of 3 who would be chosen above the others'. 'And he shall have power the Dark Lord knows not'. 'Twilight shall have a movie'. Only someone really gullible would believe _all_ of them."

A somber seemed to have fallen on Erza's face, and she allowed Motsu to drop to the floor with a squishy, slimy thud. "I see... So you were chased by some of Zagato's minions, and Presea was murdered because you couldn't protect her..."

"Pretty much, yes," Hikaru had to admit.

"But don't get furious at us, please!" Yukino begged, bringing her hands together. "It was our first time fighting evil!"

"We nearly were killed ourselves!" Tsuwabuki's head shyly peeked out of the kitchen. "And it gave Nanami-sama a real bad case of PTSD!"

"It, it, it didn't!" Nanami's nerve wrecked voice cried.

Erza frowned, walked past everyone, marched into the kitchen as Mirajane respectfully stepped aside, and a moment later came back dragging a shrill, protesting Nanami around by an arm and a passive Tsuwabuki by the other. Then she forced them to stand in a line with Hikaru and Yukino and coldly told them, "Explain it all. Now."

"Yeah, you do just that, and it'd better be in a good way," Motsu sagely nodded while hobbling away. "In the meanwhile, I'll go see where Shichimi and Derflinger are, and—"

"You will stay right here," Erza blandly said as she slammed a boot down on him, grinding him under her heel.

"— yes, ma'am! As you say, ma'am!" the frog painfully whined.

"Presea," Erza evenly told the girls, "was a good friend of mine. She forged several of my favorite armors, and she was a woman of great integrity and courage and lovemaking. Did you at the very least avenge her death?"

They all nodded stiffly.

"Nanami-sempai pretty much skewered her after with Derflinger-san," Hikaru confirmed. "That's why now she was PTSD, since it was her first murder..."

"I don't have PTSD! I'm a strong woman with tempered Japanese spirit, much like my brother!" Nanami protested.

"Your brother is a woman?" Natsu groaned. A moment later, an ashtray was roughly tossed into his face as Nanami heatedly continued.

"And it wasn't murder since it was in perfectly justified defense, anyway! You won't convince me otherwise! I won't be unfairly bullied and shunned by society like that Asada girl in the news!"

Erza folded her arms and nodded. "I understand. Don't feel bad about it. What matters is you avenged a good woman's sacrifice. And rest assured, the first murder is always the hardest on the soul..."

"I'm telling you it wasn't a murder! Self! Defense!" Nanami all but blew up.

Mirajane sighed again. "It's a real shame we don't have psychiatrists here. Had we known you had PTSD, we'd have given you some counseling. Poor, oh poor Nanami-chan..."

"I'm not a thing with PTSD to be pitied!"

"Anyway, Scarlet-sama," Yukino gulped, "don't take it badly, but how did you know that witch was one of Zagato's minions?"

"Well, isn't it obvious?" Gray asked. "You mentioned being chosen, and I assume summoned as well, by Princess Emeraude, and everyone knows Lord Zagato was the one to kidnap her. So who else would send henchmen after you guys?"

"He's right, Sempai," Hikaru nodded. "Guru Clef mentioned many heroes and adventurers going after Zagato and failing to stop him, remember? I imagine he's sort of an international celebrity across this world by now..."

"Like Osama Bin Laden, the Joker or Stephanie Meyer?" Tsuwabuki asked.

Gray sneered out of a corner of his mouth. "I don't know who the other two are, but don't go as far as to compare him to that Meyer woman. Some people argue he's actually just a man in love trying to save his beloved from a terrible fate..."

Natsu broke into crass laughter. "That's just like Gray, buying that romance novel crap in the rumor mill! You'll end up attracting some obsessed woman with that walking sissy image of yours!"

"Who's a sissy, you idiotic hothead with no balls?!" Gray growled while punching him in the face. A stern glare from Erza later, he just backpedalled with a terrified expression on his face while Natsu dropped like a rock. "Sorry, Erza. Didn't want to interrupt your questioning!"

* * *

Still slowly, but steadily, Walter began pulling his upper half from the wreckage, making only the slightest of grunts while doing so. By now, his arms, shoulders and head were all out of the gigantic pile of debris, his wig askew and with many small pieces of concrete and splinters of wood stuck in it. He took only a short moment to carefully fix it on the top of his head...

... and then an oblivious Lala landed on his head, burying him right back under the force of her stomp, before looking back and calling out, "Yoo-hoooo, Golden Darkness, Rito! I think they went that way! Hurry up, hurry up!" she urged before leaping back down, following the footprints on the dust Kotaro had left behind,

There was a stirring under the rubble, and Walter's head began rising back, a thick eyebrow twitching slightly. He made no sound at all yet, but his bloodshot eyes said everything for him. They promised a great carnage, a merciless bloodbath as soon as he fully pulled himself free to enact...

... Golden Darkness now landed on his head the exact same way Lala had just moments ago, further burying him back AGAIN, and either not noticing or not caring, while keeping Rito effortlessly cradled in her arms despite her being much more petite than he was.

"Watch the hands," she dryly commanded him.

"My hands are both on the guns and out of your, um, your body!" he protested, holding the hands that were gripping on Negi's antique weapons to prove his point. "Like I want you slamming me against a wall again!"

"No, this time I'd throw you _through_ the wall. There's a difference," Yami said.

"This could be easily avoided if you just would put me down and let me walk on my own!" Rito insisted.

"I told you, you'd only delay us. How can a fiance of hers be so slow and incompetent?" she wondered while leaping gracefully after Lala. "What did she ever see in you?"

Rito narrowed his eyes in suspicion."You're still planning on betraying us to your employer, even after our agreement, aren't you?"

"I'm a woman of my word," Yami flatly said, trying her best to keep up with Lala, "so of course I have to deliver you to him after failing to stop you myself. Even so, you wanted to get to him regardless, so how am I betraying the terms of our temporary agreement?"

"Right. Just checking," Rito said, wondering why that statement hadn't made him feel any better at all.

"No, you were just trying to derail the conversation. What could someone like her ever possibly see in a no good simpleton like you, anyway?"

Rito whimpered and placed one of the guns against his own temple.

"You have just only increased my doubts on the subject, Yuuki Rito..."

By then, they had left the mountain of debris way behind, and once again, the top of Walter's head began peeking out, a low intensity rumble beginning to shake the wreckage...

... just before the Black Rose Baron landed on her feet on the top of the head, stomped it and its ugly wig down without even really noticing it, and then leapt away just as quickly as she had arrived, following the vague sounds of voices further ahead into the distance.

This time, Walter stayed quiet where he was.

But if one had been close enough and listened very carefully, one might possibly have heard something that distantly reminded oneself of subtle, soft whimpering under the wreckage.

* * *

"The last time we ever saw Master Nagi, in a good way or a bad way," Motsu grimly recounted, sitting on a wooden stool at the middle of the now darkenned hall, under a flashlight a stonefaced Erza was holding, "he left Shichimi and me over at Presea's, before leaving to go face the Lifemaker..."

"The Lifemaker!" a suddenly terrified Lucy yelled, her skin crawling up and her hair standing up in point. She was too shocked to realize how, by now, everyone but herself, the Magic Knights, Tsuwabuki, Natsu, Gray, Happy, Mirajane and Erza and Motsu themselves had discreetly skipped away for their own sakes. "Wait, wait, when was that anyway?! I thought the Lifemaker had been vanquished away by Ala Rubra like eighteen years ago!"

Motsu blinked, counted with his webbed fingers for the next few moments, then moved on to his toes when those ran out, and then simply said, "It was around ten years ago, actually. Poor guy had just gotten the news about his wife's death, and after seeing his son safely shipped away to Vetus, he kind of went in a search for those who might responsible, in a bad way..."

"That's impossible. I last saw Presea five years ago, shortly before she was officially declared dead, and she never mentioned having you pests around..." Erza grimly commented.

"I imagine she was wary of talking about our taking residence in her home, in a good way," Motsu shrugged. "We were too important for our continued survival to be revealed to the world at large, in a good or bad way. Our enemies could come after us, in a bad way..."

"Or maybe she was just ashamed of admitting she had you living with her," Nanami stated. "Probably blocked it out of her mind, the poor woman."

"That might be it, too," Motsu simply conceded. "Anyway, Red..."

"Don't call me Red," Erza tersely warned.

"... it was around that time, from the news Presea got, an attempt was made on Nagi's son, and many of his former allies were targeted as well. I take the same might have happened to you too?"

"I wouldn't know for sure," Erza said. "I am attacked many times a year. But yes, I suppose it's a distinct possibility some of those I dispatched around that time before I could extract information from them might have targeted me because of my past with Nagi."

"Right, right," Motsu nodded. "So Presea decided to fake her death, and only Guru Clef and us were aware of the truth. So she could keep forging weapons for the forces of good and justice, while the wise Guru distributed them around secretly! Kind of odd they never gave any to Shichimi and me, though..." he pondered, rubbing his slimy, bulbous chin.

"Who's the Lifemaker?" Hikaru asked seemingly out of the blue.

Natsu tilted his head aside and groaned out a corner of his mouth. "You serious? I that get you're from the other world, but how long have you spent around here by now?"

"Well, we've spent most of our time fighting for our lives, running through the countryside while hiding from the enemy, feeling as if we didn't exist, trying to keep from having to sell our bodies, or serving tables. We haven't had a lot of time to educate ourselves on this world's history or anything," Hikaru offered.

Erza sighed and began explaining while soft, yet chillingly ominous music began sounding from behind her. "The Lifemaker is the ancient mage who created this world, whom is we also call the Mage of the Beginning. Some say they came from the Old World. Some say they came from beyond the stars. No one is sure of that, or about their true name, or even about their true gender. Several have claimed they have appeared as a woman at times. Others say that was not him, but someone claiming to be him." She actually half smiled for a moment. "You could say he is our ultimate god, and as such, he should be mysterious, wrapped in the mists of secrecy."

"Okay, but how come we haven't ever ran into any churchs devoted to him?" Yukino asked. "During our stops, we saw all kinds of churchs and temples and ominous standing stones at several villages, and they worshipped a lot of different gods– there was the Library of Loki, goddess of stories; the temple of Celestia in that weird town with the talking horses; the bath house of the Mysteries of Aphrodite and Eros; the hot springs of Luna and Lucia; the Synagogue of the followers of Christ; the bomb range of Brimir– but we never heard about this 'Lifemaker' before."

The music grew even more mysterious as Erza answered that as well. "There's a good reason for that. For centuries, it was believed the Mage of the Beginning watched over this world, but at some point, he started plotting its destruction instead, forsaking his own creations. Many have opposed him, including Nagi Springfield's band of adventurers, the Crimson Wings, and momentarily beat him back, but it seems he will always keep returning." The music hit an all new dramatic crescendo then, and then Erza turned back. "When did we get a piano, and when did you learn to play it?" she asked Mirajane.

The other woman smiled at her while her hands left the keys. "Don't you like it?" she said coyly, accompanying her words with a rising scale of notes and a sultry wink.

"Okay," Nanami quietly said. "I think I understand why you wouldn't want to pray to him anymore, in that case."

There was a beat.

"Aren't you going to ask who Nagi Springfield was now?" Lucy finally said.

"Ah? Oh, no, we know who was Nagi Springfield," Hikaru said. "I think Guru Clef mentioned him once or twice when we met, and at the Cat Cafe we worked at, we sold some pirate merchandise of him. Yukino-sempai even got to keep a few T-shirts for herself..."

"Not for myself, really," said Yukino, who meant it since she was too Harukasexual to actually fall for the Springfield charm, not that any of the Fairy Tail members believed her sincerity, "but for Negi-sensei and his friends back at home. I'm sure he'll like them, being as obsessed about his father as the rumor mill says..."

Erza nodded. "I see, that's actually very noble from him. Any boy with such a prestigious parentage would... _**did you just said you know Nagi's son?-!"**_

Yukino recoiled, surprised at how this woman who had acted so collected and unflappable so far, other than her earlier short outburst at Motsu, had suddenly reacted in a borderline bewildered way. Sheepishly, she nodded, "Y-Yes... You-you said he was sent to our world long ago, didn't you? W-Well, at some point, he must have become a very important scholar, since they sent him from Wales to be a teacher at our academy. He's become very popular since his arrival, too. Perhaps, ah, a bit too popular with girls for someone who is still only ten..."

At that, Tsuwabuki sighed very sadly. Some guys had all the luck, didn't they?

"That's hardly surprising, since Nagi-sama was very popular with women even when he was only twelve years ago, and already an active mage," Mirajane helpfully exposed. "As a matter of fact, I heard he once rescued some poor unfortunate girl who grew very fond of him forever... but my sources on this might be wrong, and I really don't even know why I brought it up in the first place," she casually concluded, easily dodging the downright lethal silent glare from Erza.

"What's a Wales?" Natsu asked, completely oblivious to this. "Some kinda whaling country?"

"Whaling countries have the best fish...!" Happy purred, wagging his tail around while drooling.

Gray and Lucy, who had noticed, simply sweatdropped and intelligently kept their mouths closed.

"I see," Erza said, acting and sounding coolly in control again, rubbing her chin. "That must be destiny at work. For someone connected to Nagi's son to be brought here... there might be something special about you then."

"I'm not even his student! I've never taken a single class under him!" Yukino protested.

Erza smiled. "Well, this is a fortunate twist of fate! Precisely the assignment I wanted Natsu and Gray for involves someone tearing the countryside apart, while looking for the Magic Knights, to kill them. You can tag along with us!"

"Oh, how lucky we are!" Nanami sneered bitterly.

"Do we really have to...?" Yukino lamented in a very low voice.

"Of course we do!" Hikaru said. "Don't you see, it's another step up in our quest! The sooner we get it done, the sooner we can go back!"

"Yeah, of course, but..." Yukino mumbled, trailing off.

"The way she phrased it wasn't exactly the most inspiring..." Tsuwabuki opined.

"Haven't you guys," Natsu said, "simply tried taking a trip to the closest Gateport to the other world, then paid for a ticket back to it?"

Silence.

Finally, Mirajane produced a small gong and hit on it, only once. Maybe some crows crawed right outside the window too.

Nanami went into a corner and crouched down, taking both hands to her magnificent hair, on which she tugged on. Actually, by now it wasn't nearly as magnificent as it had been when they arrived to Mundus Magicus. "It can't be...! To spend monts wandering in circles around this stupid fantasy world, only for an idiot to remind us there was always a perfectly valid and simple way to return to Oniisama without running that midget's errands!"

"Hey, hey, now," Motsu huffed, folding his arms. "If Clef put the terms to you that way, that must mean you can't go back even if you tried that, in a good way!"

"For once I would agree with him, in this day of wonders," Erza nodded. "If you really are the chosen of Emeraude, her power wouldn't allow you to return until you have accomplished your mission."

"Arrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!" Nanami tugged on harder. "When we find that little bitch I'll stab her through the heart myself! I'll murderize her!"

Erza and Motsu blinked, then shared a quietly awkward glance the rest of Fairy Tail _and_ the Knights seemed to overlook. Perhaps for the best.

* * *

"I think," Chisame blandly said while sitting between Ako and Nodoka, "you overdid this, and that it's a miracle we don't have the whole faculty on us yet."

"S-Sorry, but I don't think so," Nodoka gulped, with her hands on the Clow staff resting on her lap. "We're at the back of a school bus passing through a school district, what could be more normal than that?"

While Ako nervously stared out the window and into the Mahora streets the yellow bus was zooming through, Chisame said, "Well, leaving aside the fact bus routes don't even start until like four hours from now, and that Japanese buses aren't bright yellow, this bus you conjured is playing _Holding Out for a Hero_ loud enough to wake the dead."

 _"I need a hero!"_ the bus' speakers blared. _"I'm holdin' out for a hero 'til the morning light! He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life..."_

 _Rukia was up against the wall literally, death (or is it technically re-death, since she was technically a ghost right now?) barely held at bay by her sword. "N-not good," she muttered._

 _The hollow she was fighting seemed to sneer, when suddenly, music filled the air._ "I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night! He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight!"

 _Rukia gasped as the retro 80's music seemed to fill her with power. "Wow," she gasped as she managed to push the Hollow back, feeling stronger than she usually did. "That thing actually works!" Refreshed, she jumped back into the fray as a yellow school bus went past the alley she was fighting in._

Nodoka swallowed. "W-Well, I don't watch a lot of action movies, but I once watched one where it's sort of directly stated this is the standard music to have in daring fantasy rescues, or, or am I mistaken?"

"That was freaking Shrek 2, not a real action movie!" Chisame said.

"I don't watch a lot of action movies," Nodoka repeated, even more quietly, looking down at her shoes in shame.

Yue, sitting at Nodoka's other side, sighed. "As long as it gets us there quickly, I don't think it really matters. I blame most fantasy adventure books for not including a soundtrack companion CD for their key scenes, otherwise Nodoka would have had a better reference pool."

"Dammit, you guys don't know the first thing about stupid fantasy rescues yet!" Chisame exploded. "Those aren't supposed to have exciting music! The element of surprise, remember?! That's gonna be lost if we charge that mansion in a mustard yellow bus with Bonnie Tyler at full volume! The other Ala Alba might be able to pull off shit like that, but we'd just end up dead."

"Stealth. Element of surprise. Right. That actually makes a lot of sense, thank you, Chisame-san," Nodoka politely said, then gestured for the bus driver she had created to kill the music down. Without even needing to look back at her, the mysterious cool shades wearing man turned the volume fully off.

 _"I would swear that there's someone somewhere watchi—"_

"Wow," said Kero, who sat on Yue's lap. "You didn't even need to write the action down this time, Nodoka. That's some progress!"

Nodoka blushed adorably at the praise while fidgeting. "Eh-heh-heh, yes, you'll see, I've been practicing with The Create a lot lately, while you and Yue aren't around... just so… so I don't disturb you with all my failed attempts and—"

Chisame raised an eyebrow. "Does this have anything to do with those weirds sounds that sometimes come from your room, that almost sound like—"

"What?! NOOOOOOOOOO!" Nodoka blushed even more, waving her arms around.

Kero, Yue and Ako simply stared on with matching etched visages of confused terror.

Nodoka sank down into her seat, trying to become very, very small, "S-Seriously, I don't know what Chisame-san is talking about, and I swear I've never listened to Paru's advice on how to—"

"You know what, forget I said anything," said Chisame, taking pity on the sad woman digging her own grave. "Moving on to something more important, Ayase, why are you holding a book in each hand like that?"

"These are my weapons of choice," Yue said very seriously.

"Say what?" Chisame asked.

"I have received Elite Training from the Imperial Librarians of Japan," Yue said. "Both while living with my grandfather, and during the seminar they gave at Mahora last year. I was granted the Junior Death by a Thousand Paper Cuts medal. Please don't ask any further and just trust me."

Chisame stared blankly at her, then at Nodoka. Nodoka just nodded, then gestured for Chisame to please drop the topic. The taller girl winced in disgust, took her fogged glasses off, and polished them while adding, "Then, ah, I suppose you brought a football to defend yourself, Izumi...?"

"A football?" Ako asked. "What good would a football do in a life and death situation? Seriously, Chisame-san!"

Chisame sweatdropped. "I just assumed, what with the way things usually go with this class, dangerous situations, and hobbies, that..."

Ako shook her head. "So just because I manage a football team, I'm Football Girl now? That's sort of silly, Chisame-san. It's like expecting for you to hit people with a laptop just because you're some sort of... computer whiz, right?"

"Well, actually, it's not exactly like that, but... do you attack people with syringes and bandages then?"

"That's even sillier!" Ako said. "The tools of a nurse are tools of love, compassion and mercy, never of violence! For violence, I have... this!"

And she triumphantly pulled a baseball bat from under her seat, holding it high.

"... okay," Chisame said flatly.

"I abhor violence, but often it's necessary in my line of work, sadly," Ako confided. "You should never underestimate the lengths some boys will go to while looking to satisfy their nurse fetishes."

"Or their librarian fetishes," Nodoka said, clenching a fist in annoyance.

"Or their legal-ish loli fetish," Yue said, hefting her books again.

"Or their cosplayer fetish," Chisame mumbled in agreement, rubbing her own temples.

Ako absently smiled while swinging the bat around, rather skillfully. "Why is a good corrective like a good injection? Because they both go... in the butt!"

Thankfully for Chisame's quickly eroding sanity, the bus stopped by the riverbank at that point.

It also should be noted baseball bats are the Short Blue-Haired Japanese Muggle Girl's weapon of choice while first going to tackle the unknown in a creepy place haunted by evil magical beings.

"I did it before it was cool," Miki Sayaka muttered in a tiny insert in the lower right corner of the screen. "What, were you expecting a sneeze gag? Too bad, it's me, Sayaka!"

* * *

"Say, where did those three little troublemakers go?" Misora asked as she ran, trying her best not to outrun the others and slam right into trouble. It was a actually difficult and uncomfortable thing to do, since she was used to run at full speed, whether to win races or to escape danger, instead of running straight into it. Love was definitely making her stupid. "I haven't seen them since the creepy doll monster greeted us."

"Looks like they slipped away, no doubt to set a trap for us," Sailor Venus said authoritatively as she tried to keep up with her. Damn, that girl was fast. "And you know, it's been fun so far, but by now I really hoped this was almost over, since—"

"It is, indeed," Surimu's voice said from ahead in the darkness as the small group came to a halt in another large hall, this one half flooded past their ankles, with a murky, pinkish water that bubbled up occasionally and looked very unsanitary. The three Slime Sisters sat on an old couch in the middle of the room, Surimu addressing the youngsters while Ameko calmly sipped from a tiny cup of tea, and Purin blandy passed a feather duster over and over the couch's filthy surface. "Your travails are almost at an end, Ala Alba."

"Actually, only the three of us are Ala Alba," Negi said, pointing at Cocone, Misora and himself.

"Well, we hadn't expected for Lord Jadeite's flunky to be that incompetent!" Surimu protested. "I mean, sure, we expected she'd be blown away after a fight, but she at least should have stalled you Senshi girls back there! Now Mother will have to do that herself!"

"You're going to regret it," Ameko said. "Mother is quite a disciplinarian. And really kinky."

"Why to bother hiding behind Mommy, girls?" Venus smirked, readying a flashy battle pose. "If you're so mouthy, why don't you give us a try yourselves? Or are you as harmless as you look, poor things?"

"Hardly!" Surimu said. "After all, we took the Princess herself on our own, without her help. But Mother says a Sailor Senshi is a different thing, never mind two of them, yadda yadda. If you ask me, though, I think she just wants to have a piece of your ass herself. Mother can be kind of a perv herself at times, you know..."

At that, the water around the group's ankles seemed to boil harder and louder, making Negi and the others wince, and Misora and Shiho to downright shriek. Negi pointed his staff down and squinted, trying to make out a shape under the surface, but failing. The slimy water was just too thick and obscure to allow him a clear view.

... unless...

"Oh, don't act as if you're offended, you know it's true," Surimu pouted. "I bet those miniskirts are driving you crazy right now, aren't they? It's always the same thing with you, you see a pair of pretty legs and you lose all professionalism! I know we're tentacled beasts, but still! Mother, you're making us feel like Madonna's son!"

"Girls," Negi said between clenched teeth. "Please don't get scared now, but..."

"This," a voice coming from under the shallow surface said, making Misora and Shiho to yelp again and hug each other, "is something to be discussed at another time and place, after you get the spanking of your life, naturally, you disrespectful little lady. But, first things first..."

Then the waters themselves took shape, concentrating at a single spot before the humans, and rising, standing, to further block their way. The creature that had just come into existence smiled evilly, in a way more disturbing than Eva's, but less than Tsukuyomi's. Which was still VERY disturbing. Enough moonlight filtered through a window to let Negi see it was a woman, a tall and voluptuous one, with shiny round eyes and long, flowing pink hair. Blush stickers even bigger and darker than Chao's. A tight short French maid outfit that almost seemed spray painted on her clung to her scandalous curves, barely covering the essentials, skirt open enough at the sides to show that she couldn't possibly be wearing any underwear.

And, on the top of her scalp, long, pink ... bunny ears.

"What the fuck—?!" Shiho screamed.

"Language," Negi evenly said, frowning at the slime woman.

"Why, good evening there," the woman said, with a husky, deep, slow tone that sounded like that of a more mature Tsukuyomi. "How delightful! It's been so long since I've had such tasty cute treats like yourselves... what's your name, sweetie? Negi Springfield, right?"

"If you know exactly what to ask, Madame," Negi tensely said, "are you sure there's any need for it in the first place?"

"Oh ho ho ho, of course there isn't, but that's part of the fun, isn't it?" she teasingly said, while the Sisters backed away from her to group tightly together, occasionally whispering conspiratorially to each other. "I could tell from the start you were Negi, naturally. Why, you look just like your father...!"

"Oboy," Misora moaned,"here we go."

Negi blinked, his eyes widening. "You knew my father?!" he cried, Misora mouthing the words behind him as she rolled her eyes.

Misora gave Akira, Minako, Artemis and Shiho a jaded glance. "See? Right on cue!"

"Sensei, please be careful," Akira warned.

"Oh ho ho ho ho!" the mother slime laughed, placing a dainty hand on her big bouncing chest. "Knowing him? I was the woman of one of his closest comrades! I am Melona, first and best, sexiest and greatest of the Swamp Witch's minions! And I have waited so long to take revenge on Ala Rubra after that big lummox dared abandoning someone as great and wonderful as I!"

"And us!" Ameko loudly reminded her.

"Yes, yes, and you as well, children, but that went without saying...!" their mother nodded.

Negi blinked. "Revenge... on Ala Rubra? The whole lot of them? But, even assuming a single one of them ever wronged you, which I'm sure must have been some sort of misunderstanding, what do the rest of them, never mind their descendants, have to do with it?"

Melona frowned. "Are you an idiot, even for Ala Rubra standards, or what? Hello! Scorned woman! EVIL scorned woman, to boot! Even they would know better than to ask for rationality at that!"

"Well, at least you're forthright about it," Shiho sweatdropped, while a tiny part of her bugged her on how she felt so strangely compelled to sympathize with that attitude. "But, um, Ma'am, if you're the minion of a witch, then why are you working as the minion for a demon count instead?"

"Oh, there's a cute but so sad story behind that," the woman feigned a sniff. "Do you have any idea, dear, of how hard is for a single mother with no professional training to raise three troubling, mischievous, delinquent daughters all on her own? Moreso when her beloved employer disappears from the swamps for years a time to pursuit evil endeavors (or possibly just going off to get fucked) she won't talk about with her poor, loyal subjects? Who could blame me for resorting to part time jobs like this? Besides, I like the uniform," she giggled, spinning around to make her skirt flutter, showing pink panties that made Negi gag and choke. "It doesn't make my ass look fat, does it?"

"Mom, you're embarrassing us again!" the three sisters whined.

"Oh, so I'm not 'Mother' anymore?"

"You lose that treatment when you lose our respect!"

Shiho nodded absently. Definitely, for some reason, she was feeling more and more empathy with that woman at each passing moment. "I think I understand! A broken heart, left behind by a man one has devoted one's whole life to! No doubt you'd be bitter about it! Anyone would suffer so much, being abandoned and betrayed like that!"

"Enough to be mad at the whole world, wouldn't you say?" Melona nodded eagerly at her.

Shiho nodded back, stifling tears while the other girls, the cat and Negi just stared in disturbed concern at her. "Enough to want to see the world burn with the fury of a thousand Yanderes!"

Melona bawled. "Finally, someone who understands! At last, a kindred soul! Octopus-chan!"

"Melona-san!"

"Octopus-chan!"

"Melona-san!"

"Octopus-chan!"

"... my name's Shiho, by the way!"

"Shiho! What a cute, sweet name for a cute, sweet looking girl..." Melona suddenly shifted back from her melodramatics into a husky purr. And then something viscous and thick, like a tentacle, wrapped itself around Shiho's ankles, under the water that was quickly spreading through the room again, rising incredibly fast, and tugged her downwards. "But even if it's true, all it means is you'll make for an even sweeter snack! And then I'll eat you too! But at least you won't die a virgin!"

The girls all screamed, hands going down instinctively to cover up their crotches as evil laughter rose.

* * *

Not that far behind from these fiendish happenings, Inugami Kotaro was slowing down as his keen animal senses caught three presences approaching him from behind. Since he recognized all three smells, even that of the girlie he had briefly met during his time working for the monkey lady, he didn't ready himself for a fight just yet. For a change. It actually felt sort of nice, if weird.

"Oh, hey, it's you!" Lala cheerfully greeted as she stopped shortly before him, Yami and Rito coming to a hand a short distance from her. "So you've survived so far, that's good!"

"Uh, thank you," Kotaro gave a quick nod, unsure of what else to say. He'd been taught to be polite to all girls, but also raised to have a short tolerance for idiotic obvious statements, after all. So instead of dwelling into it, he chose to stare critically at the stoic Yami and ask, "And now what's with you? You got paid to switch sides again?"

"I could ask the same from you," the Golden Darkness blandly told him, "but I never renege on a contract. I'm merely taking them to my employer as they requested themselves. What happened to Mr. Walter?"

Rito began rubbing the bridge of his nose while muttering, "Believe me, if I could actually request anything that I really wanted from this mess..."

Ignoring him altogether, Kotaro crackled his knuckles together and grinned. "That big lug? He lost!"

"His life?" Lala asked.

"I'm not even sure he was alive in the first place," Kotaro shrugged, "but I don't think I killed him. It's not something I actually like to do."

"Some mercenary you are, then," Yami monotoned while looking aside.

"I'll give a damn about your opinions when you start doing official qualifications, ma'am," Kotaro said, because while he'd been taught to be polite to girls, those lessons hadn't always been learned too well, at least not in instances related to a bruised ego. He was about to further put his foot into his mouth in a way that would probably offend even Lala (although Rito might have failed to fully grasp it), but this tale was spared another side fight scene when he instead sniffed the air and growled, now actually readying himself for defense. "Okay, you, the other Neesan tailin' us. You may hide behind as much cologne for men as you want to, but you ain't tricking me. Show yourself, hands to the ceiling, now, will you?"

Rito blinked. "What, is someone else after us? Oh brother, don't tell me it's—"

Then a soft draft of black petals began flowing over them, from the passageways they had just left behind, accompanied by a matching scent of roses.

"Geh!" Rito cringed. "That crazy aunt Haruna-chan told me about! It's gotta be her!"

"For an abandoned mansion, this house sure is busy," Lala said, in that way that made Kotaro feel so conflicted about her.

There was a voice that tried to be smooth, manly, sophisticated, loud and clear, whispered and mysterious all at once, and actually mostly succeeding, from the unfathomable blackness. It said, "A messenger of darkness, an ally of justice! An emissary of unknown, an enemy to all evils!"

"I think," Lala said, tilting her head aside and squinting to try and see the speaker, "this is what you on Earth call an 'edgelord', right?"

"Haruna-chan's been teaching you her lingo, right?" Rito sighed. "Well, I'll admit it sounds like someone trying to be some 'Dark is not Evil, Light is not Good' allegedly 'cool' character from, I don't know, a cheap videogame? Um, no offense, sir, or lady. Please don't eviscerate me. Darkness-san here has first dibs on it anyway."

Yami nodded. "That, I do."

The figure standing in the darkness seemed to tremble in repressed indignation for a moment before regaining their composure and downright exclaiming, "A powerful champion, an elusive phantom thief, friend to all helpless, the Black Rose Baron has arrived!"

"That," Golden Darkness said, "simply has to be the corniest thing I've ever heard."

Lala nodded. "I agree."

Kotaro sniffed again. "You," he said, "kind of smell like the Egghead. What are you, his sister?"

There was a loud sound of someone's face hitting the floor in the darkness, as a cloud of floor dust began flowing in along the floating petals.

 _No, no, no, no, why, this is bad!_ Nekane desperately thought as she tasted said dusty floor. _It isn't supposed to happen like this, how could anyone figure me out so quickly?! If this were a TV drama, the mystery of my identity would at least last half a season! What is this boy supposed to be anyway? I know! I'll say something clever to throw him out of my scent! It shouldn't be hard, he's only a child anyway! Wait, when he said 'Egghead', did he mean—_

"He isn't an Egghead, you, you disrespectful... youngster!" the figure yelled as their outline was barely visible in the shadows as getting back up in a leap.

 _Oh, poopie, I've blown it!_ Nekane's inner monologue panicked. _I'm more like Uncle than I realized!_

Kotaro threw his hands up and began walking the way he had been going before stopping in the first place. "Whatever you say, Oneesan. See you later, or not, whatever."

Lala nodded. "Yes, it's been a curiously amusing encounter! Bye!" she waved before following Kotaro's trail.

"Um, you aren't Haruna-chan's Aunt Kodachi, are you?" Rito asked.

"... n-no, but, but, why are you leaving, hear me, I am the—"

"Well, that's good to know. Ehhhh, if you don't need me anymore, not that you apparently ever did anyway, my girlfriend is in danger, so—" he excused himself before rushing after Lala.

With only a silent, cold glare, Yami kept on looking in Nekane's general direction before callously shrugging her off and leaving after the others as well.

The Black Rose Baron simply stood there in baffled silence for a moment, then screamed in frustration.

* * *

"... it's a magical barrier. it won't let us in no matter what," Kero stated after finishing his careful observation of the invisible force that Chisame had slammed into minutes ago. Said observation had mostly consisted of flying slowly up and down, left and right and back forth, over several minutes while lowly humming to himself at seemingly random times.

"Oh, gee, that's so helpful," Chisame said, rubbing her nose from where she stood with Ako, Yue and Nodoka. "Thanks for sharing it with us, we couldn't possibly have figured that out when it didn't let us in even after several scepter blasts and bat whacks."

Ako held her bat sadly and mused aloud, "I don't know, maybe if someone stronger than me gave it a try..."

"The books didn't work either..." a Yue with her mouth in a perfect upside down V muttered.

"Maybe if they had been books on magic?" Ako wondered. "Do you have some of those?"

"Nodoka does, one at least, but—"

"The Clow book isn't made for pummeling things until they break, not even if they're magical things!" Kero yelled, suddenly freaked out of his mind. "That's not how Clow magic is supposed to work!" A pause, then he calmly added, "It works by finding the correct card... THEN using it to pummel magical things until they break."

Chisame facepalmed. "And I suppose you don't have the right card for that yet."

"I-I have the card that creates illusions, the card that makes wind, the card that lets you jump real good, the card that does nothing, the card that makes you sprout tentacles, the card that makes bubbles, and the card that makes flower petals... but that's it for now," Nodoka meekly admitted. "Maybe, maybe if I struck that barrier with The Windy?"

After a long, thoughtful silence, Chisame shrugged. "Why not...?"

Moments later, after the forceful backlash of a mini-tornado bounced from the barrier sent them flying backwards, Chisame recovered remarkably quickly, spitting leaves from the bush she had just landed into. "Why not, I ask! That's why not, you stupid me! Honestly, Miyazaki, your stupid cards suck!"

"Don't say that, you ignorant girl!" Kero protested, a vein bulging on his head while Nodoka helped a kicking Ako, who was upside down caught in another bush with her skirt flipped down and her panties showing, back to her feet and Yue muttered as she gathered her books back. "Be grateful Nodoka's helping you at all when she isn't obligated to! She's trying her best, and you didn't do any better than her when your ray was shot back and shocked us all!"

"Yeah, but my powers are supposed to kind of suck, hers don't!" Chisame pointed out.

Orbiting around her, the electric mouse sprites sweatdropped. "That's a real nasty thing to say while we're around, Mother."

"Let's stop arguing and think of what we can do instead," Yue said. "From what Haruna has said, Asuna-san has some antimagic force that can break through barriers like this, right? Why don't you try contacting her again to see if she can break it from the inside?"

Chisame frowned, touched her own forehead with her card, and after a few moments shook her head. "Nothing. That barrier seems to be interfering with our link, regardless of the distance. I can't even contact Negi or Kasuga anymore."

"Well, that makes sense. If it's a real good magical barrier, it'll work against any kind of magic, period," Kero said while hovering nearby. "Technically, we might get lucky if we find a strong enough mage and have them unleash a strong enough blast of concentrated energy on the barrier, but... even that would be a pretty big gamble."

"How big a blast, Kerberos-san?" Ako asked.

"Big enough to Break a Star's Light, perhaps," Kero shrugged. "But of course, I doubt there's someone that powerful even in a weird place like this. I doubt even Master Clow could have done it. Demon magic is really terrible."

In the lower right corner of the screen, a little Nanoha waved. "Surprise! Were you expecting a sneeze gag? To bad, it's just me, Nanoha!"

"Anything powerful enough as to break a star would annihilate the whole planet along with it, you genius," Chisame told him.

"It's sort of a figure of speech, Ignorant Girl," Kero waved a paw dismissively. "In this context, 'star' may apply to any of a variety of great—"

"Alright, fine, I'm okay with remaining ignorant on the subject, thank you!" Chisame snapped. "So what are you telling us? That because we aren't strong enough, we just stand here in the sidelines doing nothing, like loser rejects from a manga who can't catch up to the almighty protagonist? I refuse to accept that! There's something we can do!"

Yue hummed, rubbing her chin with a hand, then said, "Actually, I think I might have a workable idea..."

* * *

"I have no idea how this happened," Nanami admitted. "When did it happen?"

"Obviously, while we weren't watching, luckily," Yukino said. "It still is pretty creepy, though..."

"Be careful and come back to me safely, Happy-nya!" Shichimi said, in her perennially obliviously happy voice as the blue cat nodded, standing by Lucy's side as she, the Knights and Tsuwabuki prepared to leave the Fairy Tail Guild. They stood by its entrance, just waiting for Erza, Natsu and Gray to show up.

"I will, Shichimi-chan!" Happy nodded, reaching over to gently hold a fluffy, mostly shapeless paw of the tiny white cat thingy. There were stars in his eyes as he firmly declared, "I'll bring you the best fish I can find, so you can cook it with these lovely hands of yours!"

"I don't know how to cook-nya!" Shichimi said. "Motsu does, though."

"I'm all the way behind you two, man. If you want a wingman, Motsu is your wingman, I mean your frog. In a good way," Motsu gave Happy a thumbs up, his mouth a simple Internet Emoticon.

"I'm just freaked out Shichimi-san turned out to be a girl," Tsuwabaki said. "At least, I'm hoping she's a girl. For my sanity's sake. Because there might not be anything wrong with that, but in this case I think my brain would fry if it were."

"Awwww, so Motsu-san and Shichimi-san aren't coming along?" Hikaru pouted. "But they're part of the team as well!"

"Do you really want them along for the trip any more than we strictly need to endure them?" Nanami gave her a vicious side hiss out of the corner of her mouth.

"We're bravely staying behind so we can bravely avenge your deaths if the enemy should happen to slay you in the battlefield. In a bad way," Motsu said.

"I wish I could say I'd do the same for you, but I wouldn't," Nanami blandly told them. "Would you two stop doing that already?!" she shrieked at Happy and Shichimi, who were rubbing noses together while making cutesy kittenish sounds. "It's just plain disgusting!"

"Please forgive her, Happy-chan, nyan," Shichimi said. "She's only a poor, loveless soul burnt out from an impossible unrequited love..."

"Like heck I am!" Nanami cried.

"Are you guys fighting again?" Erza asked, clad in a slightly lighter version of the armor she had been wearing the previous day as she walked out into sight, dragging a grimacing, heavily sweating Natsu who clearly was posing a lot of resistance, while Gray simply walked behind them with his hands in his pockets and a scowl on his face. "You really are a noisy bunch. Oh? And is Lucy-san coming along too?"

"Aye!" Happy peppily said. "Since she still isn't sure she can get anything done without Natsu yet..."

"I'm here only because Mirajane-san asked me to!" Lucy snapped. "Someone has to help Erza-san keep you logheads under control!"

"Well, the more the merrier, I suppose. As good a chance as any to get to know each other better, since Natsu hasn't been too talkative about you or anything else but—"

"Don't want to get in train don't want to don't want train no no no no no," Natsu droned, his voice clearly disturbed and stilted.

"Uwa?!" Lucy said. "Natsu? What happened to you? That's not your usual kind of deranged odd behavior!"

"Natsu's no good at all when it comes to boarding any vehicles that are bigger and more complex than a car pulled by donkeys," Gray dryly chuckled. "Funny, huh?"

"Shut up you asshole it's a perfectly normal and justifiable distrust of THE CHARIOTS OF THE DEVIL PULLED ALONG BY UNHOLY FORCES how can none of you see it..." Natsu kept on droning in the same spaced out tone, his heels making sparks jump from the floor as they tried to anchor him against Erza's pull.

Yukino blinked, stared at Natsu's expression, ignored Lucy's soft chortles of amusement, and looked at Erza before asking, "Erza-san, did he ever happen to ride in an automobile driven by one Tanizaki Yukari-sensei?"

"What's an automobile?" Erza asked in turn.

"I see. Well, it was a theory I had to discard right off the bat, just in case..."

* * *

"— all I'm saying is, even if they're tertiary characters at best, it's still wrong to have them hooking up like that, offscreen," Nanami was arguing now. "I mean, sure, it's not like any of us ever wanted to see how they fell in love, but it's still lazy writing, and..."

"Law of Conservation of Detail, Kiryuu-san, and—" Yukino then noticed the discreet way Erza had just coughed, and blinked. "Oh. Like, like I was saying, Natsu-san, why are you so scared about traveling on a train, anyway? It's a perfectly safe means of transportation!"

"I'm, I'm not scared! I'm not scared of anything! It's just, just I don't trust these devil machines!" Natsu sobbed, sitting in front of them between Erza and Gray, while still tightly holding the steel flagpole of the train station Erza had needed to pull off along with him when she finally managed to push him into the train car. His face was completely obscured except for fixed white eye dots, even though the passengers' car was perfectly well lit.

Sitting at Nanami's right, sharing a single seat with Tsuwabuki since they both were so small, Hikaru sweatdropped. "It's no big deal, really. We ride trains to go to school everyday..."

"AND THAT'S WHY I WON'T EVER SET A FOOT ON VETUS!" Natsu bellowed, pointing at them. "WHAT KIND OF GODSFORSAKEN PLACE IS THAT?!"

"At least this time he isn't trying to throw himself out the window. I'd hate to have to barricade us from such a beautiful view," Erza mused, looking out the car's window and into the idyllic landscape of the flowery plains.

"I'd advise resorting to psychiatric help, but we're Japanese," Yukino said, hands on her lap.

"I'd just suggest facing whatever trauma with trains, mustache-twirling creepy men and possibly rose petal baths you had in your childhood," Nanami coldly said.

"Rose petal baths?" Yukino echoed.

"It's an Ohtori thing, Sempai. You wouldn't possibly understand," Tsuwabuki politely said as Nanami nodded in silence.

"Anyway, if you want to get past this fear," Hikaru smiled, "just do what I do when I'm afraid! Imagine yourself giving a very important conference before a large auditorium... while you're naked!"

"Hikaru-san," Yukino said, "I think you're supposed to imagine the audience is naked, not you."

"Eh? But that'd be perverted!" Hikaru said, and Yukino facepalmed.

"Being naked, huh?" Natsu hummed, then closed his eyes and concentrated. Almost immediately, small wisps of smoke began puffing from his ears, and there was a sound of meat sizzling on a grill. Lucy, Yukino, Nanami and Hikaru all sweatdropped. Then Natsu opened his eyes and grinned from ear to ear. "Hey, that worked like a charm! Thank you, Hikaru!"

"... imagining yourself naked in public sets your mind at peace?!" a disbelieving Nanami cried.

"It's a CLAMP Academy thing," Hikaru said, grabbing the hem of her skirt and starting to lift it up. "You want me to show you to help you understand?"

"NO!" Nanami and Yukino cried, waving their hands as if to ward off something

Gray chuckled. "That's Natsu for you. What a knucklehead pervert..."

"Gray, you're almost naked now," Erza told him.

He looked down at his body, which now was only clad in boxers, and screamed, "Ahhh, it's true! Why does this keep happening to me?!"

"Oh, you insufferable pervert!" Nanami yelled, covering her eyes. "Tsuwabuki!"

"Yes, Nanami-sama!" the young boy nodded, then readied a fist and punched Gray in the hard stomach. "For Nanami-saAAAAAHHH MY HAND, MY HAND, I BROKE IT!" he yelled, pulling his aching fist back and shaking its limp form.

Gray barely blinked. "You need working out more, kid. Anyway, sorry. It's a problem I have, see. I'm no pervert like Natsu—"

"Says you!" Natsu growled.

"— but even so, these accidents happen to me all the time..."

Nanami had the tip of Derflinger pressed against his throat. "Sure they do, you fiend! Say that to my blade!"

"I normally have a sympathetic eye for hormonal healthy boys in the prime of life, pal, but this time, the hysterical lady might have a point. I mean, wait 'til you're alone with the ladies to bare yourself, at least. Doing it in public...? That's going kind of too far..." the talking sword said. "Although if you really are into that… "

Nanami instantly threw Derflinger down on the floor and began madly stomping on it. "You're just as bad as them, you creepy thing!"

Yukino sighed. "Anyway, Gray-sama, I'd advise you to start facing your childhood traumas involving stripping and men doing wizard cosplay..."

"Ehhh?" Tsuwabuki moaned as Lucy looked at his swollen reddened knuckles.

"A Mahora thing. You wouldn't possibly understand," Yukino shrugged.

"Okay, that was amusing, but it's time to get serious," Erza said. "Our target is an alleged beastmaster going on a rampage across several borders, attacking random villages while claiming to be looking for the Legendary Magic Knights. He appears to be able to control any and all non-biped that gets in his path, so he must be stopped before he reaches Equestria's south border and gets himself an unstoppable magical pony army."

"All right, I'll pretend that made any sort of sense," Nanami nodded.

"A beastmaster able to—?" Hikaru trailed off, then gasped loudly. "But, Happy-san! If that's true, you placed yourself in great danger by coming with us! He might be able to control you as well!"

The cat sitting at Natsu's feet laughed. "Oh, that's no reason for concern, Hikaru-san! I'm safe, because I'm no animal..." And here there was a long, flat pause before he added, "I'm a cat!"

Beat.

"A cat," Nanami blandly said, "is a species of animal."

"What? No! That's such a mean, racist thing to say!" Happy blanched out.

Meanwhile, Natsu sat on with an absent smile and musing aloud, "Yeah, how do you like this? I'm packing some serious muscle, right? Any of you wants to pick a fight with me, punks? 'Cause I'm itching for one..."

"Oh my gosh," Lucy said, "you're STILL imagining yourself naked?!"

"You're doing great Natsu-san," Hikaru cheered. "Next to step is learning to bend over so your brother can stick– "

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!"Lucy, Nanami and Yukino cried, trying to drown her out.

* * *

 **To be Continued**.


	3. Extra Lesson 1

**Author's Note:**

What does a hack writer like myself do when stuck by a lack of inspiration, yet still wants to churn new material out so people remembers he exists? Why, he resorts to dusting off a previously existing, unpublished filler chapter scheduled for later release and posts it as a bonus episode in between regular chapters!

We even can be fancy and call it an OVA of sorts! Or OAD. Whateeeever.

* * *

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

Kobayashi Jin and Kodansha created _School Rumble_. What is it with that editorial and crappy endings anyway?

Thanks to Shadow Crystal Mage for proofreading and adding jokes.

* * *

 **Magic is what you want it to be**.

 **Extra Episode One**.

* * *

 **Down to a Tea.**

* * *

Evangeline guessed she sort of liked Tsukamoto Yakumo. After all, the girl knew her place, was silent and respectful, and got along remarkably well with Chachamaru. Even though Evangeline was ostensibly her junior in both academic activities and the Tea Ceremony Club, Yakumo never failed to be humble and polite to her, and her quiet but reliable presence was a breath of fresh air after spending whole mornings and afternoons surrounded by the idiotic troupe of 3-A. Never has the cliché "I am surrounded by idiots " so apt.

If anyone had been able to pressure her long enough, and only Chachamaru herself, and arguably Albireo and Nagi in a good day might have ever achieved that, they also might have made Evangeline admit she was sort of fond of Takano Akira as well. Much like the other Akira she knew, she was measured and careful with her words. Much like Yotsuba Satsuki, she was competent and hard working. And much like Tatsumiya Mana, she was professional and had no room for nonsense, other than the occasional indulgence in torturing hapless creeps, something Eva herself could not disapprove.

That was why Evangeline respected Takano's authority over the Tea Ceremony Club, as much as she ever could allow someone else to exert leadership over her.

As for Sarah Adiemus, the best thing Evangeline could say about her was she could at least tolerate the girl's existence. It wasn't that the blond girl ever did anything to bother her, but for some reason or another, her mere proximity irritated Eva in general principle. It was like seeing Jack Black's face. You just wanted to punch it.

"Is it good, Eva-chan?" Sarah was chirping that day after serving her a cup of her best tea and a tray of pastries. Perhaps it was partially because of her habit of calling her Eva '-chan', something nobody else in the Club ever did.

"Quite," Eva had to begrudgingly admit, for she was not one to lie without a reason, and for all her faults the airhead did make damn good tea. Not as good as Tsukamoto's or Chachamaru's, but certainly far better than Takano's. "However," McDowell said, glancing aside, "I think this is spoiling my tastes and appetite. What is this peasant doing here?"

The tall, well-built boy with short dark hair and glasses who had been genuflecting before them lifted his gaze from the clubroom's wooden floor. "Hanai Haruki from class 2-D, from the male high school, Ma'am!" he loudly said, streams of tears flowing down his face. "Here to get your approval to join this organization!"

Evangeline glanced jadedly towards Takano, who was sitting at the main table going over the club's schedule for the School Festival. "President, I think kicking the peasant out is _your_ job."

Akira hummed flatly without looking up from the schedule. "Do I even need to? Hanai's a class rep. He should be aware we couldn't take new members this far into the semester, even if we wanted to. Which we don't."

"I'm sure something can be arranged!" the boy said, his forehead touching the floor again. "I don't even need for official membership! I'm fine with being the mascot, as long as I can stay near Tsukamoto-san!"

"... we don't have mascots, or any need for mascots, either..." Evangeline said, without even a glance at Chachamaru and the half dozen kittens hanging around her legs as she swept the floor several steps away. "And again, the President is right anyway. We can't take new members, or new baggage, period, this late into the school year."

"Oh, believe me, had I known Tsukamoto-san was in this club earlier, I'd have joined as soon as the term began!" Hanai sniffled, rubbing his forehead on the floor, from one side to the other.

"Thank God for the small miracles, then. This has been a few pleasant enough months," Eva sneered.

Sarah leaned closer to Eva and whispered to her, "Hanai-sempai's been following Yakumo-chan for a while now. When she was in the aikido club, he joined as well so he could see her in her gi. Many clubs have asked for Yakumo-chan, but he keeps following her around, scaring everyone away..."

"I DON'T SCARE ANYONE...!" Hanai protested, the tearful face rising again, his fists balling up against the wood. "I'm a well-respected member of the student community...!"

"Only as long as Yakumo isn't involved," Takano passively pointed out while sharpening a pencil. "Then you become a blathering loudmouth idiot with no sense of shame."

"THAT'S NOT RIGHT EITHER...!" Hanai wailed again. "Will you stop trying to make me look bad in front of Tsukamoto-saaaaaan!"

Eva looked at Yakumo, who in turn only looked down awkwardly at her own feet, and then the Daywalker chuckled. "Heh. He reminds me of a certain other person made complete fool by love. Still, his bawling will get really annoying after a while. Just do your job already, President."

"I already did so. He's not in," Takano said.

"You can't just reject an eager prospective member like that!" Hanai cried.

"I just did."

"I'm sure I can bring a lot to this club!" Hanai cried.

"Sempai," Chachamaru politely asked as she paused. "Do you even like tea?"

"What kind of strange question is that?!" Hanai said, folding his arms. "Of course... I don't!"

Evangeline and Sarah facefaulted violently.

"... you are rejected, then," Chachamaru confirmed."After all, a liking for tea is a defining trait of a true gentleman..."

"That's... a surprisingly harsh thing for you of all people to say..." Eva groaned while rising back, rubbing the two criss-crossing band-aids on her forehead. As she saw Chachamaru lovingly gaze out a window towards the source of a violent sneeze accompanied by female shrieks outside, however, she grudgingly amended, "... although maybe not as surprising, all things considered."

"It's not that I can't appreciate the romantic intricacies of the tea ceremonies!" Hanai said, standing back up. "When a boy likes a girl, they go out, and have some tea together, don't they? I can get behind that! Completely so! I'm sure I have the correct spirit to follow your disciplines of the tea!"

The girls stared at him.

"... that's not what a Tea Ceremony is, that's just going on a cheapskate date! We aren't a date club for those who won't pay for a proper restaurant dinner!" Evangeline accused.

"I'm no cheapskate!" Hanai claimed. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Tsukamoto-san! No length I wouldn't go to! If there's anything to learn about the tea, I'll become a master of it! No, the best master of it! For Tsukamoto-san's sake!" As he said that, a column of Hot Sea Water seemed to rise from behind him. Probably to accentuate his Hot Bloodness. Or his erection, if the way his glasses shone scarily and his pants peaked as he ranted and looked at Yakumo was any indication.

"..." Yakumo uneasily said.

"What a sodding wanker!" Eva sneered.

"He's got spirit, I'll give him that," Takano flatly said. "Very well, I guess I can respect that in a man. How about this, I will give you a special test to challenge your drive..."

"What kind of test?" Hanai eagerly asked, pushing his glasses up his nose.

* * *

"When did we suddenly step out?" a confused Sarah looked in all directions as she sat on the grass outside, along with Yakumo, Eva and Chachamaru.

"This is a quickie, we don't have the time for elaborate scene changes," Akira said as she poured two cups of tea, each from a different teapot, on a blanket on the grass, before a puzzled Hanai. "Now, Iinchou, this is is what we will do. Yakumo brewed one of these tea servings. To pass the test, you will tell me which one that was."

"What are you saying?" Hanai asked. "That's preposterous! How is anyone supposed to do that?!"

"You obviously don't know anything about tea, Iinchou," Akira evenly answered. "Tea is not a mere drink, it is a product of your heart, that carries the imprint of the person who carefully brewed it. There are no two tea makers who are alike. If you cannot understand that, then please kindly take your leave."

"But—!" Hanai protested.

"Besides," Akira continued, "if you, as a man in love, cannot tell the result of Yakumo's labors apart from those of other women, how can you say you really know her well enough as to love her?" There was a distant sneeze, followed by an exchange of "Ah! You were there?-!" "Yes, always".

"That's right..." an impressed Sarah mused aloud.

"Negi-sensei always can tell my tea apart from those of my classmates," Chachamaru confirmed.

"That's just because yours is the only one that never has hairs in it, doesn't taste like old leather, or doesn't have exotic herbs rumored to be aphrodisiac thrown in," Eva snarked.

Hanai gulped. "As a man, I can't possibly argue with that logic! V-Very well, then...!" He grabbed a steaming cup and swallowed it down without even blowing on it. "I shall taste the divine concoction of Tsukamoto-san's lov-gulp gulp gulp WAAAAAAA!" he screamed while his face grew bright red and he shot a stream of vapor from his mouth.

"Oh?" Yakumo softly said, blinking in confusion.

"President, what...?" Sarak whispered while leaning onto Akira.

"I didn't throw any red peppers or hot sauce into the tea," Akira deadpanned. "Of course I wouldn't ever do something like that."

Sarah grimaced. "Ah? But… but, are you sure—"

"Of course I'm sure I didn't do it," Akira stoically said.

"That's... That's not what I meant..."

In the meanwhile, Hanai fanned his burning mouth, daring to glance at Yakumo at random intervals before recomposing himself as best as he could. "That... That was horr—- That was it! Making me feel my heart burn with the wild fires of passion! Making me blush so violently! Truly, this has got to be the fruit of Tsukamoto-san's endeavors!"

Again, Sarah and Evangeline facefaulted.

Akira raised a fine eyebrow. "Are you sure you can judge so soon, Iinchou? Wouldn't you prefer to taste the other tea before rushing to a conclusion?"

Hanai's face twitched as he eyed the other steaming cup, the vapor over it looking suspiciously skull-shaped, as if afraid it would leap on him and start attacking. But then he looked at the mildly bewildered Yakumo again, and coughed valiantly. "I think I see your point, Takano-kun. Yes, a man shouldn't judge things until he has a full view of the picture! Otherwise, what sort of untrustworthy partner would he be? Let us taste the second sample then..."

He brought the second cup to his lips, then howled madly, spitting fire. "AWOOOOOO! BURNS, BURNS, BURNS!"

"..." Yakumo, Eva, Chacha and Sarah said as one. Chachamaru was the only one without her face in her hand and shaking her head as she thought "Idiot!".

Hanai held the cup before Akira's face. "This overpowering texture! This volcanic power! The everlasting fire it brings to my lips! I have no doubts now! This has got to be Tsukamoto-san's tea, appealing to the inner strength of a true Japanese man and challenging it!"

"Are you sure it tastes that different from the other one?" Akira asked. "Why don't you compare them again?"

Hanai paused, taken aback by the question. "W-Well... Maybe... I mean, if it's allowed, then sure... A man would never... reject a lady's offered drink, after all, so..."

Akira helpfully offered him a refill of each cup. He gulped audibly, then grabbed each in a hand and closed his eyes, bringing the first one to his mouth...

It took him a five more comparisons before landing flat on his back, legs jerking spastically.

Akira raised a little red flag. "Failed!"

"... I'm sure Negi-sensei would have passed that one," Chachamaru estimated.

* * *

"Oh, you're awake already!" Sarah smiled down at him as he opened his eyes again, finding himself on a futon back at the Tea Ceremony clubroom. "Eva-chan and Chachamaru-chan left long ago, but Yakumo-chan kept on waiting by your side until minutes ago. And only because her sister called her right then. How are you feeling, Sempai?"

"I... I'm alive, I guess, and as long as there's life there's hope," he quietly said as Sarah handed him back his glasses, which had been resting on the table. "Thank you, Adiemus-san," he said while sitting up. "I failed, didn't I?"

"I'm afraid so," she gently told him while handing him a small fragrant cup, "but you're to be commended. You showed you have a true strong palate. This should smooth it down. It's a sweet milk tea."

"Thank you very much," he smiled at her before tasting the delicious warm drink. "I should be going, then..."

"Sempai," she told him, "you know, anyone can come and visit us, even if they aren't members."

"Seriously?" he blinked.

She nodded. "Mm-hmm, rules set by the President herself at the start of the term. She has always wanted for the club to be inclusive and open. I should have mentioned it earlier, but, with the way you kept inter—"

Hanai shot back to his feet. "This is great! I can keep visiting Tsukamoto-san every day after all! I've got to properly thank Takano!"

"... you're welcome," Sarah meekly said as he shot past her and towards the front door.

"Takano!" Hanai stopped by the side of Akira, who had been hanging a signboard outside the door in her kimono. "I wish to thank you for everything! Sorry I hurried to make a decision while misjudging you!"

Akira nodded sedately without glancing at him. "I'm glad you realized that, Iinchou."

"And I look forward to a better understanding between us from now on..."

"I think," Akira said, with the smallest of shrugs, "I already understand you perfectly, Iinchou."

Then Hanai got a look at the sign she had just hung and fell flat on his face.

'TEA CEREMONY CLUB. ALL VISITORS ALLOWED AT ANY TIME— **EXCEPT HANAI HARUKI!** '

Underneath it, in smaller print, read, _'Previous ban on Sagara Sousuke still stands'_.

Oblivious to him, a small blond girl hugging a doll approached Akira. "Excuse me, my name is Kujou Tsukiyo," she elegantly said. "I happen to have heard many good things about your club, and I was wondering...?"

* * *

 **END**.


	4. Lesson 3

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

I make no money from this crap.

Thanks to Shadow Crystal Mage for the editing and joke adding help.

I don't feel well. Let's get over with this quick.

* * *

 **Magic is what you want it to be**.

* * *

 _ **Previously, in Unequally Rational and Emotional! That is, previously, in Magic is what you want it to be!**_

 _Honnouji Academy:_

"So, what has been happening over at Mahora, anyway?" Rias Gremory casually asked over the dinner table.

"Well," Himejima Akeno dutifully reported, "after the son of the Thousand Master returned from Kyoto, it seems he started training under the Dark Evangel"

"Really?" Rias lifted a fine, blood-red eyebrow. "That's odd, I don't think she'd ever taken a disciple before. Even that... Karin, wasn't that her name?– girl in the older records was apparently only a servant. Are you sure about that piece of info?"

"It seems legit enough," Akeno said before continuing, "The Thousand Master's son apparently drew enough attention over all of that one of the six factions decided to send an agent after him."

"Which one? Please, tell me it's not one of the Malebolgia's hellspawns again. Seriously, those never get anything done and only make a mess for everyone. I don't know why he keeps trying them..."

"He's still under contract with Todd Mc Farlane, as Mephistopheles is always willing to remind everyone. Them always making a mess for everyone is just how he uses them to console himself," Akeno observed. "Regardless, no, actually, it's Count Graff Herman, if our sources are to be trusted."

"Ah. Well, I suppose it could have been worse," Rias sighed. "Poor boy, however. He'll never know what hit him. And what about the going ons at Mundus Magicus? It's been a while since we last heard about Clef-sama summoning champions to free his Princess, hasn't it?"

"Yes. Last thing I learned on the subject is, Lord Zagato was taking no chances and sending agents to roam the lands, trying to call Clef's Magic Knights out before they can grow strong enough as to challenge him. It remains to be seen if he will succeed, or if those Knights have enough potential as to menace him anyway..."

"Doesn't it bother you how the bad guys always seem to be the ones with the actual initiative, while the good guys only react?" Rias asked her intelligence gatherer, shaking her head to herself.

"It would seem to be a worrying pattern when it comes to these things, wouldn't it?" Akeno wondered before half-tilting her head towards the audience. "And now, after that refresher, we return you to the goings ons at Mahora Academy..."

"Who are you talking to this time?" Rias asked with a slight scowl.

"The audience."

"That's it, no more dodging, you're going to therapy. Talking with that Deadpool fellow was more harmful than it seemed!"

* * *

"Haven't you noticed," Satomi took a moment to ask Konoka, "how that slime woman acts and even sounds a lot like that Tsukuyomi young lady you—"

"I don't think she does, no," an unusually frowning (but still cutely so) Konoka quickly interrupted her.

Haruna raised her eyebrow, crinkling her nose. "Ah, the annoying, peppery smell of denial... "

Meanwhile, Melona was using the bunny ear-like prehensile extensions on her head to grab Negi by the temples, all the better to repeatedly headbutt him. "Oh, you're so stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid brat!"

"Then again," Surimu said from where she and her sisters sat by the sidelines, "aren't you even worse by acting like a brat too when you're supposed to be an adult?"

"Shut up," her mother snapped at her, "What do you know, you're a cheeky brat yourself! Ow! Hey!" she complained as Negi finally managed to swing a leg into her belly, where it got stuck into Melona's slimy mass.

"Oh, for the love of—!" Shiho groaned, barely able to pull a small dagger out of one of her sleeves, swiftly cutting one of the pink tendrils holding her, only to find out the wound closed back just as quickly. "Gah, not fair, this thing's supposed to be blessed! Damn you blessed thing!" The dagger then quickly eroded into fine black dust and Shiho pouted. "So this is what happens when a miko curses a blessed object, huh. I'd have thought the blessing just cancelled itself out at worst..."

Akira snarled, chomped angrily through the slime restrain holding her mouth shut, spat it out (she wasn't the type to swallow another girl's juices), and threw her bound arms forward as best as she could, straining herself as much as she dared. "MERCURY BUBBLES!" she shouted, and a barrage of bubbles flew out to impact Melona's head from a side, taking a large frozen chunk of it off.

What was left of Melona's head turned back to Akira, yelling at her while it regenerated, "Ey yuh, dat ws so MEan, THAT was THE paRTof muh jead contrlling th lnguage..."

"Demerit for improper use of Japanese!" Negi growled, swinging his still leg up into Melona's body as much as he could, until his foot got stuck again, this time between the slime's large, round breasts. His face immediately went red. "Uhhh..."

Melona's now fully regenerated head turned back to smile sweetly at Negi, while she regrew the restraints around Akira's mouth. "Oh, you naughty thing, you."

"I, I didn't intend to!" he babbled. "I just wanted to kick all the way into your throat, not to do anything ungentlemanly!"

Melona chuckled creepily as she pushed Negi against herself, twisting him so his face was directly pushed in between her boobs, his nose almost touching his own raised leg. Even Makie cringed at the sight of such a forced positioning.

The mother slime giggled, even more disturbingly, as her hands massaged the back of Negi's head, rubbing his scalp. "If you were curious about them, you just had to ask! I'd never deny a last favor to a young man!"

"Mother, you're embarrassing us," the Slime Sisters deadpanned at the same time.

Back at the backyard, Haruka and Ayaka had to be restrained by the others as they began wildly foam off the mouth, trying to claw on the bubble prison's surface.

"What? What are you seeing now, that has them so fired up? Tell me already!" Misa was frantically demanding.

"You two calm down or you're losing crystal ball privileges too," the Count warned.

Negi's vision was completely obscured as something warm and wet seemed to fill his nose, and before he could start struggling for real to pull himself free, he was quickly claimed by a dark, serene droziness. A moment later, however, he forced himself to regain consciousness, although at first his mind seemed strangely clouded, his vision still obstructed by... something.

 _What?_ he thought. _What, what is this? So soft, yet unbearably oppressing, so hot, but also fresh... is this... Marshmallow? Marshmallow Hell? And why do I have the nagging feeling I should be in a tropical island?_

 _Wait a bloody second._

"GEEEEEHHHH!" he screamed, gasping madly for air as he used his hands to push himself back from Melona, his face redder than ever if such a thing was possible. He furiously looked into the face of the laughing pink haired woman. "That, that wasn't funny at all!"

"It is!" she argued. "And you know what's even funnier? Look at where your hands are!"

"My..." Negi trailed away, looking at his hands only to realize they were squarely resting on Melona's breasts. "AHHHHH!" he screamed, trying to pull them back, only to find they had been left stuck there...

That was when Kotaro, Yami, Lala and Rito kicked in through the room's door, pouring in within to find themselves looking at several girls (and a cat) held high by slime tentacles by their limbs and bodies, their mouths gagged; and at the middle of it all, a buxom pink haired beauty with bunny ears and a skimpy French maid outfit, holding a slime covered Shota by his lower section while his hands rested on her breasts.

Yami's ears instantly blew thick clouds of dark gray smoke, her shoulders drooped, and her face was covered by a solid black screen erasing any and all features.

"... this isn't what it looks like!" Negi protested.

"..." Rito said, and then angrily exploded, "YEAH, RIGHT! OF COURSE IT DOES! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING YOU PERVERT?-!"

Although silenced, Misora, Cocone, Shiho, Minako and even Akira still shot upset, vicious even, glares at Rito. Even Lala gave him a sort of dubious side glance.

"Out of everyone, you should be the most understanding of a situation like this, Yuuki-san!" Negi spoke for them.

"Oh, yeah," Rito snorted, "because I'm supposed to believe a random, incredibly contrived and forced chain of events made you to— um— well— No, no, no, that much bad luck can only happen to ONE man on this green Earth! I simply refuse to believe anyone else can be that unlucky!"

"Unlucky? Are you gay?" Ameko asked him. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, but..."

"Shaddap, little creepy thingie, stay out of this!" Rito told him. "All I know is, one way or another, someone here's being incredibly creepy and perverted, and—!"

"I hate ecchi," Yami said with a small, incredibly chilling and deep voice, her face still obscured.

Rito nodded firmly. "Yeah, I agree, ecchi is bad and should be punished, and before any smartass says anything, Haruna-chan's not ecchi, she's just a little bit eccent—"

 **"I HATE ECCHI!"** Golden Darkness roared, as every fragment of her person she could morph became a sharp instrument of disemboweling death, and she threw them in all directions at once.

With tentacles, of course. Which looked very unfortunate.

* * *

 _London:_

"Okay," Anya Cocolova said after a while, when it became obvious to her the man was not going to acknowledge her presence until she spoke to him, "aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?"

Jason Blood, her current caretaker and host, inwardly cursed the debt he had owned to the Merdiana Headmaster. Thankfully, it would be repaid after the girl's training period with him ended. Then maybe he could return to the relative normalcy of Gotham, where the only annoying pre-pubescents he had to deal with were either Batman's problem or trapped in crystal balls. He looked up from the ancient tome of forbidden lore ( _C++ For Dummies, 1991 Edition_ ) he had been reading, pushed up the glasses he only wore while reading to look smarter (since it annoyed Etrigan, and anything that annoyed him was something that Blood greatly cherished) and glanced over his mahogany desk and towards the tiny girl standing at the doorstep of his office.

Her small dog familiar, the one she had summoned a couple of months ago, sat by her side, trembling slightly as was his custom, large eyes shining with a nervous glint.

Blood's rich, cultured voice flowed out elegantly. "Why should I? Have you, perhaps, been struck by some sort of amnesia spell, making you forget about your stay here? That would be a terribly clichéd plotline, but if you really need to be reminded, you are practicing fortunetelling under my—"

"I don't mean that and you know it!" Anya shrieked, stomping a foot down and making the dog yelp. "Well, since you aren't enough of a gentleman to politely ask after I politely knocked before entering, I'll tell you outright, what's going on with Nekane?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Elaborate."

Anya pouted. "I've been calling, just to know how she's been doing. Since I know that idiot Negi is probably too absorbed in his job to remember to check regularly. All I keep getting are recorded messages from her and the next door neighbor, that orange-farming war veteran, telling me she's still 'on a trip'."

"So try reading her fortune, then," Blood aloofly said, his attention returning to the book. "It should be easier for you, since you have a connection to her."

"Do you think I haven't tried yet?" Anya hissed. "I keep getting weird garbage, like 'beware the pink slime' and 'the shield will usurp you'! That shouldn't be happening! And, and I can't help being worried, after that weird albino girl showed up here, and said she had designs on Negi and his family, and her siccing a darn giant on your demon...!"

Blood sighed, marking the pages and closing the tome. "I see. You won't stop pestering me until we have found out, will you?"

Anya nodded resolutely, and after a moment, so did her dog.

Blood stood up and stepped towards Anya. "Are you sure you can handle questioning him?"

"I can," Anya replied immediately.

"No, you can't, but that's one of the things you have to learn on your own," the black-clad man said, placing a hand on his forehead and gloomily chanting, "Begone, begone, the form of man, rise the demon Etrigan."

Courage whimpered loudly as a column of smoke enveloped Blood, and a heavy stench of sulphur filled the room. He ran to hide behind Anya's legs, hugging them tightly and trembling like mad.

"St-Stupid dog," Anya gulped, steeling herself as the smoke dissipated, and she found herself facing the yellow skinned, red clad musclebound brute towering before them, grinning perversely a huge mouth full of sharp teeth...

... and wearing Jason Blood's glasses on his face.

He noticed this, snorted, and crushed the glasses in a claw. "Foolish buffoon, does he think this is funny? I should gut him like a bunny." Then he grinned again at Anya, enjoying the way her small knees clacked against each other. "So! Is the little child afraid for her adoptive mother? And yet brave enough to be for Etrigan a bother? What an irony! What a contradiction! I appreciate that however, so I give your query a benediction."

He laughed darkly, running a claw over his mouth as the mention of that latest word made it sizzle for a moment.

"I, I just want you to tell me she's okay, then, then you can go back, that's all..." Anya said.

"Go back? Into the jail of flesh? Do you think I crave for that? What a jest! I rather enjoy every moment in freedom spent... I can't say I like it there, even if there's no rent! So, since you gave Blood an excuse to set me free... I'll answer your question with macabre glee. Be warned however, when you ask a devil, you might not like the answers gained from the power of evil."

"Aaaaaahhhhhh..." Anya gulped, eyes going diminutive while Courage's hug became almost crushing.

Etrigan chuckled as he gestured with both hands, two fingers of his right hand against one temple, his left hand held out as if sensing something, in the style of all hack and quack phony psychics (and mutant telepaths) everywhere. "Oh yes, I can see what of the future show! Your Nekane is going to face the demon in the snow!"

"In the... snow...?"

"From that night where fire rained upon your village," Etrigan's tongue snaked out, even longer than Gene Simmons', "and many fell under a hellish savage. What a great night! Oh, so much fright! What a good show did he give us, fellows in Hell! I truly hope he comes out well!"

"You mean...?!" Anya shuddered in horror.

"Oh yes I do! The commander of those legions, the Count of darkness! A truly delightful aristocrat of all things badness! He's there! In the school under the World Tree! Trapping two Springfields, that much I can see!"

Anya wobbled in place, putting both hands to her flat chest, eyes going wide.

Etrigan clenched his teeth in a fiendish smile. "The resolution, I can't foresee, however... but I'd bet the time of her return would be... well, never!"

* * *

"She's so late," Achakura Ryoko mused aloud, sitting by the apartment's window and looking out into the night. "This isn't like her!"

"Where do you think she is right now?" asked the green dog made out of a balloon sitting beside her. If you've watched Haruhi-chan, you don't need to ask. If you haven't, still don't ask.

"How should I know?" the chibi Asakura groaned, lying back and crossing her short stubby arms behind her all too short neck. "Do you think she ever tells me what she's got to be doing when she goes out? It's all 'classified information' with her. At least when I held the job, I could share data every once in a while..."

"Do you think she's okay?" Kimidori-san asked.

"She does it because she likes it, I tell you," Achakura continued, oblivious to his concern. "She thinks it makes her so cool and mysterious, like that weird person you hear about in the news who dresses like an echo-locating flying mammal. Mysterious? Let me tell you about mysterious! *I* could pull off being mysterious while also being open and chatty! There's no achievement in looking mysterious when you don't talk to anyone and spend the whole day with your nose stuck into a book or playing dating sims! Actually, scratch that, it doesn't make you look cool and mysterious, it just makes you look like Katsuragi Keima!"

 _In a little insert on the lower right of the screen, Katsuragi Keima didn't look up from his PFP. "I am the God of Conquest and I approve this message."_

"Right, so you think she's okay after all. Good to know," he said.

"Okay? How could anyone who is so screwed up be ok— Oh, you mean... Of course she is! What could possibly befall her, an expert agent of the Overmind, other than a major incident involving that Kyon-san I would have killed off if only she hadn't foolishly intervened?" She began wagging a tiny finger, ignoring the thunder rumbling in the distance, while ranting, "And she was good enough to best and suppress me, so she's all but unbeatable!"

"Do you think there's a chance she might bring us something from wherever she is right now?"

She gave an exceedingly cute little snort. "I doubt she'll ever bring anything but books! And maybe a few dating simulators! She's not even original, she doesn't buy anything that's not God of Conquest approved!"

"It's bad that we don't like books or dating simulators ourselves," Kimidori-san said, "because I'm so bored."

"You could go to sleep, you know," Achakura humphed at him.

"I'm a balloon! Balloons don't sleep!"

Achakura pulled a needle out and prickled him, making him explode.

"You might start trying now," she told him. "I'm sure it must be easier this way."

"Just wait until Nagato-san comes back and reformats me," Kimidori-san's main remaining piece said from the floor. "I'm so telling her when she gets baaaaaa...!"

* * *

"Gesunheidt, Nagato-san," Mikuru politely told Yuki.

The short haired girl briefly rubbed her nose and only nodded once at her. "Thank you," she said, quiet and passive, and they went back to attentively looking at the events unfolding in the crystal ball with the rest of the girls in the bubble who had not lost crystal ball privileges...

* * *

"Wait a second!" Melona began to say. "Aren't you that girl the Count— guuuuuhhhhh!" she babbled one moment later, as several sharp blades of Yami's extensions pierced through her head, two of them going under her left eye, three stabbing into her forehead, one slicing the lower section of her chin.

"Well, that wasn't very nice," Surimu sighed as she dodged another blade shooting for her. "Shall we try being good daughters for once and help her?"

"Why not? It should be a nice change of pace," Purin shrugged while leaping ahead towards the maddened Yami with her sisters.

"This kind of thing isn't bothering me that much. I suppose that should worry me, but I can't bring myself to worry about that either," Rito dryly confided to Lala while she shielded him with her body and rolled aside, ducking under a Yami-created axe trying to cleave their heads in half.

"Are you talking about the whole seeing boys grope grown monster women thing, or about the whole being attacked with deadly weapons for no good reason thing?" Lala conversationally asked while rolling around with him.

"Both, but mostly the latter!" Rito yelped as her breasts couldn't help but mash against him with their motions, his face reddening and swelling up.

"Ah. No, you shouldn't worry, adaptation to constant attempted murders is a must for a member of the Royal Family!" his fiancée cheerfully told him.

"You guys are all freaking nuts!" Kotaro growled, leaping acrobatically over a few hair tendrils, reaching high enough to take a hold of Cocone and yanking her back down with him, safely cradling her on his arms while Melona's grip of her captives loosened now that she was trembling in place, dislodging tentacle blades out of her person and bleeding pink in all directions. It made Misora and Shiho avert their gazes frantically, trying their best not to puke, while Akira just paled horribly and stared on with very wide eyes. "Hey there, girl," he softly told Cocone, frowning at her. "You okay? Not traumatized beyond repair just yet?"

"I've seen worse," Cocone flatly stated with a small shrug. "Thanks all the same."

Kotaro winced despite himself. "Ah... Alright then. I suppose. Hey! Bookworm! You gonna stay there all night long?"

"Just a second!" Negi grunted, finishing pulling himself free, kicking the final piece of Melona's body wrapped around him off, and then reaching into his clothes for the small black bottle. "I wanted to save this for the ringmaster, but—!"

"Oh, no, you won't!" Melona growled, lunging towards him, breasts bouncing and extending as they turned into really creepy tentacles themselves as the Sisters seized Yami from all sides, tiny weapons created from their own bodies at the ready. Negi jumped aside, taking his hand to the bottle's cork, and then she froze, scowling deeply at him. "What makes you so sure that'll work on me anyway? My girls might have fallen for it, but I'm an elite servant of the Swamp Witch herself! I'll just make you eat that thing whole, loverboy!"

"Eat THIS whole, sister!" Sailor Venus huffed, swinging from behind while grabbing the very slime rope that had been holding her, kicking the back of Melona's head and sending her slamming down on the floor, after which she stepped on her head. "The Goddess of Beauty, punishing all ugly, oversexed cows abusing makeup!"

"She doesn't wear makeup, that's just the way her whorish face is," Ameko informed a moment before Golden Darkness viciously punted her across the room. "Aie!"

"Proper divine punishment for disrespectful daughters..." Melona gurgled from the floor.

"Couldn't you have done that sooner?-!" Shiho demanded.

"Says the girl who was chatting with her," Venus retorted.

"Okay, enough of that already! Let's just see if this works!" Negi decided, finally uncorking the bottle and turning it towards Melona, now that she was mildly stunned from Sailor Venus' attack...

Only to be surprised when a small figure leapt in between himself and the mother slime, blocking the sudden, impressive force that had just been unleashed from the magical bottle. With her little arms extended, the Slime Sister who had just intercepted the suctioning burst merely flinched for a moment before quietly saying, "Why did I do this...?" and allowing herself to be swiftly sucked into the bottle. Not that she had much of a choice.

"PURIN!" Ameko and Surimu cried at once from where they had been.

"What the—!" a still sort of groggy Melona gurgled before roughly pushing Minako aside, almost sending her into the way of some of the hair strands Yami still waved around angrily, aiming everywhere. "Why, you, little rat—!" she viciously hissed, eyes burning while she lunged straight for Negi, apparently suddenly unconcerned at all about the bottle he still was holding, now pointed at her...

With a sharp, shrill cry of vengeance of her own, Surimu sprang from a side to tackle Negi, grabbing him by the ribs and pushing him down to the floor with more strength than anyone that tiny should have had. That made the boy drop the bottle and the cork, which rolled across the floor in opposite directions, eventually getting stuck into the pink goo Melona had left spread while extending herself across the room.

"It'd be nice if someone could get me out," Purin's small voice came from within the bottle. "I think I can't do it on my own..."

"Oh, no, you won't!" Kotaro leapt for the bottle, clawed hands at the ready, but one of Golden Darkness' blades suddenly forced him to recoil right before it could take half his head off. Cursing to himself, he settled for reaching over and catching the cork, which was closer at the time, in time, forcing his sight to shift from the still shaking and suctioning bottle to the seething, red-eyed bounty hunter standing at the other end of the room, a black aura surrounding her and her mobile hair. "Dammit, what is it with you anyway?!" he protested. "Make up your damn mind, woman! I don't mind having you as an enemy, but first decide if you're just against us or against everybody in this place!"

Yami simply growled something angry and incoherent and jumped for him, waving a leg that was now a massive wrecking ball. Kotaro simply sighed as he pirouetted back, barely dodging the ball that had just opened a gigantic crater on the floor. "Sheesh, dames..."

"Keep saying sexist things and I won't give you this to complete the set," chided the girl who had just appeared at his side, holding a certain small bottle in a hand, slightly waving it very close to his.

Kotaro blinked several times at that girl who simply hadn't been there the second right before. It was as if she had simply just appeared out of nowhere in a flash. Then he remembered what her power was, the one she had shown in Kyoto while running up Sukuna itself, and he groaned, annoyed, reaching for her hand. "Cute, fangirl, very cute," he chided while Lala engaged Yami again, pushing her out of their way and their temporary attention. "Now just give me that before—"

"How about this, kid, _you_ give me that cork instead and I'll say we're even," Misora said as she held the cork in her other hand, now. Then, feigning having just realized that, she sang, "Oh, just look at that, how obedient you are! What a nice boy!"

"What—" Kotaro, startled, looked at his hand, realized it was now empty, and stared angrily at the impishly smirking nun(-in-training). "I don't even—" he began.

"I'm sure you don't. Gotta go help _my_ boy, thanks," Misora easily agreed before flashing out again, bolting towards where Negi had just disappeared under Melona, Surimu and Ameko, who had just leapt on him all at once, more than willing to retaliate...

... and then, as Misora approached, she had to zoom aside as the mother slime was blown back, pushed back by a compressed wind spell while Negi tried to shake the two smaller slimes off himself. Misora winced, gulped loudly, then forced herself to say, "Way to go, Negi-kun! Leave the rest to me, okay?!"

"What is that bitch say— Uh oh," Surimu said, tilting her head up to look at the girl clenching a nervous grin and aiming the still open bottle at them.

From the inside, she thought she could make out Purin's diminutive hand waving at them.

Ameko gave her brasher sister a level glare before they could be sucked in. "This is all your fault, you know," she said.

"How it is my fauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—!" Surimu cried as they were sucked in, only to have Misora's hand slapping the cork back on the bottle as soon as they were trapped inside.

"Aaaaaaaand that does it!" Misora chuckled to herself, rattling the words and wobbling on shaky knees, ignoring the looming shadow rising behind her, one eye shining ominously crimson as twin rabbit ears twitched erratically on top of a pink haired head.

"Misora-san! Look out!" Negi warned, aiming his staff over Misora's shoulder, and pointing at Melona's head...

... although, before he could even utter a spell, or before Cocone could intervene either, a black rose flew out from the darkness and directly through Melona's head, getting stuck between her eyes.

Melona blinked in shock which quickly turned into annoyance. "This definitely is one of those nights, isn't it?" she muttered, grabbing the rose and plucking it out of her head.

"Now what..." Negi wondered aloud, as he, Shiho, Misora and Cocone all came closer, looking towards the entrance of the room, where now stood a mysterious, elegant figure in the shadows...

Sailor Venus instantly perked up, eyes going impossibly starry. "Ah! I knew he wouldn't fail to show up...!"

Sailor Mercury blinked, squinting to get a better look through the darkness. "Yes, but... wasn't he more of a black-wearing type...?"

A loud, commanding, potent voice rang through the room. "Showing up wherever danger looms! An emissary of mystery! An enemy of evil, perhaps an ally of justice? Who knows? Only the Black Rose Baron himself!"

"Oh brother, shouldn't you just go away...?" a rather frustrated Kotaro stood his ground, rolling his eyes in exasperation.

"That voice...!" Negi gasped loudly. "That delivery! That heroic posing! That amazing timing to protect me from danger! Is.. Could it p-possibly be...?" he stammered wildly, hands trembling, face suddenly going quite pale.

The newcomer still standing in the shadows, half wrapped in their long white cape, flinched back at that, taking a noticeable step back while Minako's face seemed to fall apart in disbelieving recognition, or rather lack of recognition, and Akira simply frowned thoughtfully. "Wha-what are you talking about, strange boy I have never seen before..." the stranger stuttered, trying to do their best macho, heroic stance and attitude. "I'm nothing but a vagrant yearning for nothing but adventure..."

"FATHER?!" Negi cried out, his trembling now extending all over his body.

For a moment, there was nothing but absolute silence all over the mostly destroyed, slime covered room.

"... what?!" Melona and Rito found themselves saying at once, only to then share a brief awkward look.

Misora facepalmed, then quietly shook her head to herself.

Cocone said absolutely nothing or made any expression whatsoever.

Minako simply finished literally falling apart into pieces, as Artemis sighed, pulled a small jar of glue out of wherever Mau store magical items, and then began patiently glue the pieces back together with Akira's just as stoic help.

Even Yami and Lala stopped fighting and only gave Negi a joint 'Oh, come on!' glare.

Shiho frowned, glanced back and forth several times between Negi and the figure trying to meld into darkness as if their life depended on it, and then shouted at the boy, "Oh, for the love of—! That's your father, for real?! Anyone can tell it's a woman doing a bad impression of a man!"

"I'm not!" the Black Rose Baron was quick to reply before Negi could do anything but opening his mouth. "I'm the much beloved by, um, all women Black Rose Baron! Champion of the mysterious ways of the, ah, um... Strategically-Challenged Rash Action Hero... H-how could I ever be mistaken for a woman? That's silly, that's never happened to me before, you silly girl..." Then she, for she had to be a she, quickly descended into a short nervous laugh that sounded all too feminine while the girls, the slime and Kotaro and Rito, and even the three sisters within the bottle, just gave them truly atrocious glares, of the 'How can you be that bad at it?!' variety.

As Negi simply stood in shaking, impressed silence, staring at the mysterious paladin with gigantic watery eyes, Nekane flinched even more and leapt back into the all consuming shadows of the corridor behind. "I'vedonetoomuchforonenightbyewewillmeetagainunknownboy," she stumbled over the words while disappearing into the blackness.

"Ah!" Negi gasped while trying to reach out with a hand. "NO! Where are you going?! Who are you?! You, um, Baron-san! You can't simply show up and then leave like that without even—!"

Then he had, all of a sudden, the edge of a sharp pink blade spawned from the angry Melona's right arm tighly pressed dangerously close to slicing his throat.

Negi sighed. "Really, couldn't this wait just a minute or two more? I was about to have a touching reunion with my father!"

" _ **THAT WAS A WOMAN, YOU MORON!**_ " everyone, even Melona, chorused.

"No, it was definitely my father!" Negi declared, ignoring Melona's threat to his neck. "I knew I was right all along! If I was in great, great danger, and really needed help, my father would show up to save me...!"

"That was clearly a blonde!" Yami and Lala cried.

"He was clearly using a wig as a cunning disguise!" Negi declared confidently.

"She had tits!" Misora, Kotaro and the girls in the bottle all chorused.

"Cunning disguise!" Negi insisted.

"You could see her hips with those pants!" Rito said.

"Father has clearly been keeping in good shape and dieting," Negi said. "Really, you're all just jealous your father didn't show up to rescue you when you needed help."

"Maybe we should just let Melona-san kill him and work something out later?" Shiho mused.

* * *

"That's her!" Haruna said eagerly, craning her neck up to get a better look over Ayaka's shoulder. "That's the Black Rose Baron girl we told you guys about!"

"Bummer," Haruhi pouted. "I was expecting that Tuxedo Kamen dude! At least he has name recognition!"

"It's still a rather amusing twist of events, isn't it?" the Count commented with a faint smile.

"Well, yeah, I can't deny you've offered a great show so far," Haruhi replied. "I'm glad you kidnapped us! If I had to rate this kidnapping, I'd give it eight out of ten. I have to dock points for lack of tentacle-on-Mikuru action and you're not providing interesting exposition thus far."

"Ah, a pity. I shall endeavor to do better, should I need to kidnap you again in future," the Count said.

"Eh, you have time, the score's not final yet," Haruhi cheerfully assured him. "You have plenty of time to mindbreak Mikuru into your sexual servitude with your unnaturally phallic inhuman organs."

"Eh?-!" Mikuru cried.

Misa glanced aside at Madoka. "And you choose to spend time with this woman over us? _Really?_ "

Sakurako sniffled. "That Kyon-san isn't even that good looking anyway."

Madoka just ran a hand down her own face.

"See, you don't even have a defense for yourself," Misa coldly accused. "Seriously, you're making me rethink hanging out with you if your taste is this bad."

"Shut up, please... just shut up..." Madoka said in a tiny voice.

"That's sure a handsome looking man," Asuna commented then in a dreamy, faraway tone.

Everyone, Chamo, Itoshiki and Keiichi included, stared at her.

Asuna continued, undeterred, head slightly tilting aside, bells tingling. "Such an elegant poise, such a noble attitude! And that's Negi's dad, from what I heard? Maybe there's still hope for the brat!"

"... Asuna, that's a girl," Makie matter-of-factly said. "Believe me, I know. My Homura-mama has an anniversary-fun-time-tuxedo just like that she and Madoka-mama use when they want to make me go to sleep early."

"Well, I'll admit he's hardly the manliest type I've ever seen," Asuna conceded, "But variety is the spice of life, you know? I usually like them rougher and tougher, but there's nothing wrong with indulging in a smooth bishounen every once in a while. As long as they're polite and dashing..." she sighed.

"And older?" Ayaka tensely asked, eyebrow twitching.

"That goes without saying!" Asuna exhaled.

"Count-san," Itoshiki requested. "Please either move her closer to you, or step closer to her. It's obvious she can't get a good look of the events from her current viewpoint."

"That's a reasonable and fair request," the Count nodded, walking closer to Asuna and giving her a better show of the scrying ball. "Is this better, Princess?"

"I saw everything perfectly clear!" Asuna protested. "Although I don't mind the even better view, thanks." she said, leaning ahead as much as she could to keep on watching. "I have to agree, as kidnappings go this is pretty good, though I'm docking points because of the kinky outfit and you, you know, _kidnapping_ me. Eight out of ten."

Misa was about to say something, but then simply twitched and growled. "Haruna, that hand."

"Actually, it's mine," Haruhi said. "Your friend's hand is on _my_ ass."

"Well, one of them anyway," Haruna piously said. "I can't tell a lie. They work so much better when they're plausible."

Mikuru then gasped, quickly pulling away from Haruna. "How, how could you?! I, I thought that was Suzumiya-san's!"

"Thinking about it, Count-sama," Keiichi calmly said then, "I also wish to thank you over tonight's events. 8.5 out of ten."

"I'm going to hurt you as soon as I can!" Skuld threatened him.

"I'm only a man!" Keiichi protested. "A less-than-average man, in fact! I'm not like these average guys, who somehow manage to attract girls despite being completely bland, boring, creepy, and having no interesting points whatsoever!"

* * *

 _At the same time, somewhere else, deep under the surface of Venus:_

One of the interns, who had been sweeping the hall for half an hour now, stopped when she noticed several of her coworkers and superiors gathered at one of the offices, chuckling to themselves and trading small talk while gathering around one of the desks. Moving into the office while firmly gripping her broom, the cute young intern with the skull shaped decoration on her hair and 'honorary prinny cleaning staff' badge approached the desk, where a tiny demoness in a skimpy black suit and shiny high-heeled shoes giggled at a joke of one of the other demons gathered around her before realizing the newcomer's presence.

"Oh, hey, Elsie," Etna waved. "I'd forgotten today was your turn. Wanna take a moment to check on this?"

"Ah, what is it?" the taller, bustier demon girl asked, approaching hesitantly while a few others subtly moved aside to let her in. She looked at Etna's computer screen, where she saw an old man in a black coat and hat standing on wet grass surrounded by captives. "Say, isn't that..."

"Yeah, old Graff in his disguise," the hulking, muscular, large breasted Thrym confirmed, nodding at the awestruck Elsie. "Ets got an anonymous tip he was moving on to do something on Earth, so she rigged a bug on him, and right now we're taking bets to see if he succeeds or not. Wanna join in, kid?"

"Sorry, can't do," Elsie sheepishly said, turning her empty pockets out and shrugging with a small sad smile. "Maybe if you'd asked me last week."

"Tsk, always throwing your money around," Shader the cat eared Science Development techie shook her head, in disapproval. "Why do you keep forgetting frugality is a virtue?"

"We aren't supposed to have virtues," the diminutive, blonde Eihwaz reminded her.

"I AM BAYTOR!" Baythor chimed in, howling at the top of his lungs and waving a few bills in a bony, spot-stained hand.

"I don't know, Lord Baytor," Etna carelessly shrugged, trying a zoom in, "the old man's been quite rusty for a while now. He just isn't what he used to be, and you know he's been wasting his time taking jobs from mortals lately."

"Well, his own fault for throwing his lot in with the Malebolgia during the Wars," Hrungnir callously said. "Lady Hild would have him as a field agent today, otherwise. He had talent, if nothing else..."

"W-what is he exactly doing now?" Elsie warily asked.

"I AM BAYTOR!" Baytor shouted again.

"Looks like he's running a kidnap scheme with one of Beryl's boytoys, can you imagine?" chuckled that annoying, wiseass red guy with no pants whose name kept eluding Elsie for some reason. "Trying to get their hands on one of the kids from last month's stunt in Kyoto, do you remember that, Els?"

"Ah!" Elsie brightened up. "You mean the Mahora student group, don't you!-?"

The other demons looked back at her, curiously.

"I am Baytor?" Baytor asked.

"Say, now that I think about it, that boy, what was his name, the one you lived with for a while, he's studying at that Mahora place in this iteration, isn't he?" Etna suddenly smirked in a fittingly devious way, eyes narrowing at the gasping, blushing Elsie.

"He is, he is," Hrungnir confirmed after making a lightning quick search on her laptop. "I wonder if he could do what he did last time now, too? I liked that time, we were all hot women."

"I am Baytor..." Baytor said shiftily.

"Of, of course Kami-niisama could—!" Elsie began to stutter.

"Gee, I don't know, Hrungnir," Lummy, Shader's bunny eared assistant, completely ignored Elsie while rubbing her chin in mocking deep thought. "I'd calculated that one time was a complete fluke...! After all, that guy was, well, is, just a human, what are the odds of such a being—"

Then she noticed the sudden black aura ominously expanding from the tearful, frowning Elsie, whose broom was almost breaking in her grip and whose face was obscured by shadow, and she just finished with an insincere, malicious little chuckle. "Well, come on, 'god of conquest'? Who are we kidd-"

That was as far as she got before Elsie, with a cry of "BLASPHEMY! BLOOD FOR THE KAMI-NIISAMA!" tried to beat her head in with her broom. "TAKE THAT BACK YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH!"

"Maybe you should ask Dokuro for another try then, dear," Etna casually said, ignoring the perfectly normal outbreak of violence as she reached for her cup of coffee and sipping the red hot liquid. "At the very least, it'd help you to— Hey! Who the Heaven took my pretzels!"

"I AM BAYTOR!"

"Oh, why you, freaking you—!" Etna growled right before jumping on him.

Demons. You can put them into civilization, but you can't put civilization into them.

* * *

Then Melona had a glowing chain made of gold hearts wrapped tightly around her neck from behind. She only sighed and rolled her eyes while listening to a very upset Sailor Venus say, "I'll tell you what instead, Oneechan. Instead, you'll let go of that boy and just give it up before we obliter— errrrr, send you to the Happy Place Where Defeated Youma go. Doesn't that sound nice right now?"

"Maybe, but I'm not a nice kind of girl," Melona replied matter-of-factly while easily shifting her neck through the Love-Me Chain, letting it drop to the floor much to the Senshi's annoyance, "And I'm no Youma either. I'm all but indestructible, darling. All the parlor tricks that can help you against a Youma are useless against me!"

"There was no need to go that far for me either, Venus-san, really, I'm okay," Negi said, already standing rather far from Melona, having moved out of her way with surprising swiftness in the brief moments the looks hadn't been on him. "I appreciate the thought regardless, of course..."

"You're welcome, Sensei," Minako coldly said. "Anyway, you... you pink spore, you're outnumbered now! Even if we couldn't destroy you, and that's a big if, you can't possibly take on all of us and win either!"

"Then again," Lala observed while keeping Yami pinned against the floor, an elbow on her throat, "maybe all she needs to do is stall us here long enough, isn't it?"

Shiho looked at her. "Elaborate."

"Well," Peke said, "that Count person told Negi-sama they should meet before dawn, didn't he? And dawn is quite close by now. If all of these minions aren't a means to destroy us, test us or exhaust us, then perhaps are meant to delay us..."

Minako simply stared on. "... I still can't get used to the idea your hair decoration talks."

"Well, on Deviluke, cats aren't supposed to talk either, ma'am," Peke pointed out, "but you don't hear us criticizing your pet's capacity for speech."

"I'm not a pet!" Artemis protested.

Lala hummed softly to herself, then looked down at Golden Darkness and asked her. "Will you behave now?"

After a short, hostile silence, the smaller girl quietly admitted, "Perhaps I slightly overreacted, however—"

"Good," Lala said, letting her go and then standing up to gesture towards Misora. "Misora, give me that bottle, won't you?"

"Hey, what's up with the yobisute already, we hardly know each! And it's 'Mysterious Sister', there's no Kasuga Misora here, though I heard she's awesome!— Are, are you sure you know what you're doing?" she finished, handing her the bottle after suddenly remembering she had just been questioning the daughter of some alien overlord.

Lala nodded. "Now, Slime-san, if I've understood the mechanics of all of this correctly, then I might risk freeing your daughters again if I unseal this containment unit to try and capture you as well. That'd just take us back to where we started. Then again, as that girl over there said, you can't beat on all us, but it'd take us too long to deal with you for good. So we're reached kind of an uncomfortable stalemate, where regardless you have the edge as long as you can keep us here..."

"That girl over there?!" Minako cried.

"You're no Magical Kyouko, sorryyyyy!" Lala apologized before holding the bottle tighter. "So this is what we'll do. You'll either leave or surrender right now, or either I'll crush this bottle, probably destroying what there's inside. I imagine you wouldn't like that?"

"What the... Lala!" Rito yelled.

"Deviluke-san, you can't possibly be...!" Negi gasped.

"That's... That's..." Akira stumbled over the words.

While Melona stiffened in place with huge eyes, Lala simply said, "Sorry, I don't like this either, but this is the way my father taught me. What will it be, Slime-san? I'm not waiting long for your answer. Would you like a count to—"

"I'm leaving," Melona said through fiercely clenched teeth. "For now. But I'll come back for them, and you'd better not have hurt then before I do, or else...!"

"You'd have to discuss that with the proper authorities who will hold on to this after tonight, but—" Lala began.

Oozing down into a pink puddle that began flowing back, with murderous eyes directly trained on Lala, Melona interrupted, "You've made a bitter enemy tonight, Bimbo Girl. Remember that! Because I certainly will! You will rue this day! I shall have my revenge! Vengeance shall be mine! I shall return! I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids! Cobra! Hail Hydra! You havent seen the last of me! You think you're all that, but you're not!"

She paused a moment.

"'I'll get you next time'?" Akira helpfully suggested an unused cliche.

Melona nodded thankfully. "I'll get you next time!"

"Hey," Kotaro took a firm step towards Melona, "where do you think your—"

Negi placed a hand on his chest to stop him and spoke direct and coldly. "No. There's no time for this. These are just pointless distractions. Peke-san is right."

"Of course I am!" a vindicated Peke glowered proudly while Melona disappeared into the darkness with a final cry of "Cobra, retreeeeaaat!".

"It's a sad day when the most sensible person around is a hair ornament," Shiho deadpanned with a very strange sour expression.

Negi turned back towards Yami, who also had stood back and now close to him. "How about you, Darkness-san? That outburst was clearly uncalled for, are you still—?"

Then Yami slapped him, hard, making his head snap aside.

"HEY!" Misora cried. Sailor Mercury put both hands over her mouth, scandalized. She might have reacted harder if she hadn't learned about Negi's kissing habits earlier that night.

"Damn, you shoulda told me first," Kotaro said, pulling a cellphone out of his pants. "Can you do it again, please? I wanted to record that..."

"Isn't that Yue-san's?" Cocone asked, quietly eyeing the cellphone.

"I left mine in my jeans..." Kotaro explained.

"So you stole Yue-san's while you were at her room?!" Akira asked.

"Sorry! You just end up picking a few habits when you spend too long in the underworld! It wasn't a steal anyway, just a loan in the event I needed one! I always intended to give it back!"

Shiho frowned, pulling her wallet out of his back pocket. "Yeah, I can see that now..."

Calmly rubbing his swollen cheek now, Negi asked Yami, "What was that for?"

"I hate ecchi," she only said, turning around and beginning to walk for the back exit that would finally lead them back outside.

"But it wasn't my idea to be in that situation in the first place!" Negi protested.

"Wow," Rito said. "So this is what these things look like from the outside. I think now I understand why the others keep laughing at me..."

"I believe we're going to like each other," Kotaro told him in turn.

Rito nodded, then looked at his own wrist, and frowned at the black haired boy. "Maybe after you give me back my watch."

"Sorry, I lost mine too and, again, thought I might need one until this was done..." Kotaro said, handing him the wristwatch back.

They hurried through the mansions corridors, time now of the essence, a frowning Sailor Mercury in the rear.

"While I understand we're in a hurry, did we really have to let Melona-san go rather than stick to the plan?" she said. "She's still a danger."

Minako frowned at her. "What plan?"

"Eh, I thought the plan was for me to freeze her with my ice magic," Akira said. "Isn't that why you all talked at her to make her stop moving? So she'd stay still so I could freeze her? I was just waiting to get into a position where I wouldn't hit anyone else..."

Everyone suddenly stopped and turned to stare at her. She cringed. "That was the plan right? I'm sorry I ruined it by taking so long. I guess I still have a lot to learn–"

She jumped as Negi, Kotaro, Artemis, Shiho, Minako, Misora and even Cocone threw back their heads and screamed, " _ **DAMN IT!**_ "

"AH!" Akira screamed, bowing down repeatedly in apology. "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY I SCREWED UP THE PLAN!"

* * *

"Do you know what is the true measure of a man?" the Count calmly asked, gesturing to make the scrying sphere disappear into thin air, then walking away from Asuna and facing the back exit of the manor, his back turned to his captives.

"The number of girls in his harem," Chamo said instantly.

"The number of women he can sexually satisfy simultaneously," Haruna declared.

"Whether he has made the woman he loves happy," Itoshiki said at the same moment, causing everyone who knew him to stare.

"Well, in my opinion—" Keiichi began

"I am terribly sorry lads, perverted weirdo, but I was asking those who would know something on the subject," the demon told him as politely as he could, given the choice of words.

Keiichi frowned. "Well, that was just plain rude."

"Ah! I'm in despair!" Itoshiki cried. "The one cool thing I've ever said being disregarded like the Kyoto Accords has left me in despair!"

"Seriosuly dude, harem size!" Chamo asserted.

"Multi-tasking," Haruna insisted.

Haruhi and Misa both looked at each other, then Haruhi said, bluntly, "You're baiting us, aren't you. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but we aren't going with the obvious answer, pal. Still, for what it counts, I think your feet are rather small!"

The Count chuckled and shook his head. "I'm just glad all that power is not wasted on you anymore, young lady."

Haruhi blinked. "What do you mean, old man?" she asked, while Mikuru and Nagato looked aside, in opposite directions but identical innocent silences. Madoka, meanwhile, stared at the count the way you would at a frog that's suddenly began to sing and dance.

Instead of answering to her, Herrman answered himself, which annoyed Haruhi greatly. "The measure of a man comes from knowing how to face his destiny. In that regard, I will readily admit the Springfield boy has all the makings of a fine man, even if they come along with the seeds of his own undoing. He can feel fear, but never allows his fears to become his masters. Truly, I almost regret to have to cut his path short. But in this endeavor, I perhaps have too much of an unfair, yet unavoidable, advantage over him."

Skuld's eyes narrowed, and she hissed. "Don't you _dare_. We aren't supposed, even the children of Nifelheim, to—"

"We are both outcast children of our respective realms, Princess," he stoically told her, his eyes coldly trained on the back door, "and as such, we are both pursuing paths we shouldn't be following. You, on your own, I, on what I have been commanded to, but the end result is the same. We know where this is headed, and we are playing that to our respective advantages. The difference being you are still a child, and hence I can— and will—- play to win, unlike you."

He paused a moment. "Besides, I'm a demon. We don't play by the rules, remember?"

Skuld's anger boiled fiercely as the others just looked at her in perplexed concern. "Why, you miserable—!"

He only held a hand up, without looking back. "Silence. A more respectable child is here now."

And the door flew off its hinges, landing violently at the feet of an unflinching Count, and Negi stepped back out into the icy night, glaring intensely at the old man, the rest of his improptu rescue pose halting behind him, ready to do battle. Well, all but Misora anyway. An exasperated Sailor Mercury reached back through the door and pulled her out from where she'd flattened herself against the wall so she wouldn't be seen from outside.

"Count Herrman!" the boy mage snarled. "You'd better unhand my students, RIGHT NOW!"

And the old man smiled, his lips' corners tugging tightly, and yet also with a slight jaded sadness. "I'm afraid I can't do that. You are, of course, welcome to do it yourself should you get past me."

"And my familar, as well!" Negi kept on demanding, stomping a foot towards him.

Keiichi blinked. "Wait, are we ranking lower in priority than the ermine, now?"

"Finally, some satisfaction!" a pleased Chamo mused aloud.

"I wouldn't care about being left in this bubble, as long as all air were to be drained out of it first..." Itoshiki pondered to himself, delicate fingers tapping on his own chin.

"Negi-kun!" Misa beamed just as the Count was about to say something suitably grand and dramatic.

"My dear Bro!" Chamo gushed a moment later, interrupting the Count again.

"Chamo-kun, girls, nice to see you're okay!" Negi nodded at them, once again beating the Count to the punch.

"Yaaaaay, Negi-kun will save us!" Makie cheered while the demon tugged down on his hat for a second in growing frustration.

"Makie-chan!" Sailor Mercury gasped.

Makie then blinked. "... do I know you?"

"Negi-sensei!" Ayaka swooned, with her eyes turning into pink pulsing hearts.

"Iinchou!" Negi responded in turn. "Hold on there just a second, I'll— Wait, why are you naked?!" He then shot the Count a bug-eyed, bewildered stare. "How dare you! You're even less of a gentleman I thought!"

The Count's right eyebrow twitched slightly. "They were already naked when we happened to collect them. I wasn't going to waste time and effort on dressing up the bait, and that's all they are, bait—"

"Riiiiiiiight, that explains why you took the time to have Asuna put into the special sexy lingerie!" Misa accused.

"Maybe he's sweet on her," Sakurako not-really whispered to her. "He calls her 'princess', after all. Perhaps, just like how she likes old men, old men like her back, that's just logical..."

"It's nothing of the sort!" the Count protested, then grimly muttered something about things not being that ridiculous the time he'd done that. Or something to that effect.

"I'm still not sure he's not a pervert, myself," Yami quietly said as she also walked out into the backyard. "That's why I'm still not saying I won't turn on—"

"Ah, Goldie-chan!" Haruna said. "So you were Befriended by Negi-kun!"

Negi blinked. "What?"

Yami frowned. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that latest insane raving."

"No, no, he so totally did! That's why you came with them instead of being pounding on them right now, what other reason could there be?!" Haruna vehemently argued, then pointed further behind Negi. "Look, look, his boyish charm also won over the puppy kid from Kyoto! Even though he still should be in juvie detention!"

"Who the hell are you calling a puppy, you freaky loudmouth cow?!" Kotaro barked.

Negi frowned, then casually backhanded his mouth with the hand not holding his father's staff. "Insult my students again and I'm tossing you at the ancient fiend."

Kotaro growled and rubbed his own mouth with the back of my hand. "The only reason I'm not punching you back is 'cause my mother taught me that, yeah, you should be patient and polite even with freaky loudmouth cows who're insane. So, sorry, Cow-neesan, it's just this has been a trying night for me."

"Apology accepted!" Haruna happily said. Then she perked further up, eyes sparkling as she saw two other figures coming out behind Negi, Kotaro and Yami. "Rito-chan!"

" **Haruna-chan!** " Rito ecstatically cried, taking a single sprinting step towards her before noticing all the female nudity, being propelled back by a nasal blood outburst, and landing on his back on the grass, instantly knocked out. "... guh."

Everyone, included the Count, took a moment to sweatdrop. So much that Negi forgot to hit Kotaro again.

"So, ahem," Satomi finally rasped to break the silence. "I see Kasuga-san and Cocone-chan are here as well, but... how about Chisame, Sensei? I hope she hasn't suffered any—?"

"She's okay, thanks for asking," Negi nodded quickly, keeping his eyes on the waiting Count and standing his ground against him. "But we should talk about that lat—"

"If she's okay, then why isn't she here with you?!" Haruka protested. "The never of that woman! After naming herself Lieutennant of our outburst, the least she should do is brotheling to show up during an emergence like this, to stand at your side in the team's aide!"

Negi sighed, clearly tried in his patience. "Nerve, Lieutenant, outfit, bothering, emergency, aid, Haruka-san," he tensely corrected. "But she just couldn't show up, I'll explain after—"

"Did you bring Takahata-sensei along?" Asuna inquired, trying to crane her neck in all directions curiously.

"Uh, no, sorry," Negi said. "I wasn't supposed to bring anyone to this duel or else—"

"WHAT?!" Asuna yelled. "Oh, yeah, and then why did you bring a whole ragtag bunch of second stringers, okay, and Lala-san, I guess she's okay, here then?! Seriously, you thought of calling on Mana's sidekick but you couldn't bother to ring a bonafide buttkicker like Takahata-sensei?!"

"Second... stringers..." Misora babbled, trembling a little. "That... kinda stung, Asuna..."

Asuna blinked, then added, in an awkward tone, "Um, sorry, maybe that was uncalled for... but, like the puppy who shouldn't even be here said, it's been a trying night... Look, the point is, you even brought two Sailor V cosplayers!"

"Cosplayers?!" Sailor Venus indignantly shouted.

"Well, yeah, maybe you've got some flashy moves, but we've been watching you since you entered that house, and you haven't left the best of impressions on me, girl!" Asuna argued. "I bet the real Sailor V would have demolished this place already!"

"How violent do you think I am?-!" Venus cried indignantly.

"Well, maybe we haven't been giving the best showing so far..." Mercury uneasily allowed, dragging a foot around. "I can see why they'd get the wrong idea about us, then..."

"Oh, come on," Minako snorted. "You know that's just plain—"

"We didn't even exit the house to face the enemy with a proper spectacular Sailor Speech..." Mercury sheepishly said, as if ashamed of herself.

Venus froze in place, then turned around to rest her hands on a wall, her head drooping. "Oh... my God, you're right, we've been batting an all times low tonight. Good thing Tuxedo Kamen-sama hasn't shown up yet, I'd die of shame...!"

The Count, BOTH eyebrows twitching strongly now, looked at Negi again. "Well.. now, then, if all of your companions have gotten what they needed to say out of their chests, it is time for us to—"

"I'M IN DESPAIR!" Venus wailed, throwing her hands up. "JOBBING LIKE I'M A SECONDARY IN SOMEONE ELSE'S STORY INSTEAD OF AN EXPERIENCED SUPERHEROINE JUST BECAUSE I'M IN A SITUATION THAT IS TOO BIZARRE AND PERPLEXING HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR!"

"... you're in one of my classes, aren't you?" Itoshiki wondered aloud.

"No, you're just really popular on Mahoratube," Haruhi said.

The Count sighed very deeply. "Just attack me **now** , please. **Any** of you."

"With pleasure!" Lala said peppily, flying right over the still downed Rito and past the just about to act Negi, heading directly towards the demon noble, fists first.

* * *

 **To be Continued!**

* * *

 **This is a Super Mario Maker Joke, which I Have Just Spoiled by Identifying it as Such**.

The Beehive Mob was the most powerful gang in New York City. Since Wilson Fisk was a completely legit humble dealer in spices and could not possibly be connected to the actual most powerful gang in New York City, much less run it as its merciless Kingpin of Crime. Moving on.

The Beehive Mob had survived frequent clashes with rival gangs, crazed supervillains (sometimes sporting metal tentacles) attempting to take over the local underworld, vigilantes like Daredevil and Spider-Man, a visit from the Roanapur-based Troika, that urban legend biker with the skull in flames, those shinobi turtles living in the sewers, and even the Punisher, before he was killed off by the Joker. It had thrived, strong and indomitable, but no asset of theirs was more indomitable than their heiress, the young and vital Kirisaki Chitoge.

* * *

"But I don't get it," Spider-Man said as he and Daredevil sat on the rooftop, comparing notes on the gang. "If her mother is the one who's Japanese, and his father is American, and she's been living in America for years, why the Japanese last name?"

"Because it's her mother who keeps Kingpin at bay when he's at odds with them, that's why," Daredevil replied.

"Oh."

* * *

No local threat had moved the Beehive family to get their daughter away from them. Not Gah Lak Tus showing up over New York, not the really bizarre war between Uncle Xanatos and the revived Gargoyles from dark ages which had caught the family in the middle for a while, not even the creepy idiotic troll who flooded the city with vegetation spawning from Central Park until the local mages killed him off and swept the whole affair under the rug blaming it on Poison Ivy, none of them had been able to convince them maybe their precious girl would be better off elsewhere at least for a while. She was a New Yorker, after all. She had to be as rough as they came.

Then she got herself tangled in that whole mess with the ancient civilization of dinosaurs living under Brooklyn in a secret underworld (right to the left of the Mole Man's domains, way below the aforementioned ninjutsu turtles), where she somehow ended up replacing a portly Italian plumber and his younger, thinner brother in saving a long lost princess from a mutated turtle Tyrannosaurus emperor out to make her his wife, and the Beehive decided maybe life in New York had finally become a little too ectic for their angel for the time being.

So they shipped Chitoge away to a safer location inhabitated by more normal people, namely the prestigious Honnouji Academy of Japan. Maybe they could use the chance to smooth things over with the Yakuza while they were at it too.

They had considered Riverdale as well, but ended up discarding it because, frankly, those Lodges were bitches.

* * *

 **Loyalty**.

Jeremiah Gottwald of the British Empire Armed Forces had always fancied himself a man of unbreakable loyalty. Very early into his military career, he had been assigned to the protection of Empress Marianne, and he had latched onto that assignment with all the zeal he could muster. When the Empress was killed despite his best efforts, he had been offered a lesser position at another branch of the armed service, but he had rejected it without a second thought to just walk away from the State's service.

And everyone had thought he had just been incensed to be demoted over something that arguably was not his (complete, at least) fault, but it hadn't been that. It was just he had pledged his loyalty to the wellbeing of the Empress herself, and failing at that, he just couldn't move on like if nothing had happened. As much as he loved his country- both when it was in the right and when it was in the wrong, lest you think too highly of him- not only he wasn't sure anymore he was the correct man to serve it anymore, but once he had failed at what he originally had pledged himself to, he failed to see much of a point of pledging onto another area of the same field.

So all he asked for was a small farm in the Welsh countryside, like the one his maternal grandfather once owned, to grow orange trees. Shortly after, a young woman and her kid brother had moved to the house next door, after their former hometown had been devastated by what the authorities had officially branded a terrorist attack from the same faction that murdered the Empress.

Gottwald knew a few things about the secret things lurking in the dark that were often covered under such pretenses. He did not understand much about them other than the need to keep them hidden and his own desire to stay away from them. With that in mind, it mildly surprised him to find himself not that upset once he accidentally learned both of his new neighbors belonged to that same world of shadows, due to a misstep from the boy, always too eager to further his arcane education, even before being sent away to some sort of academy built for such purposes. Gottwald supposed he should hate and despise those who belonged to those circles, after all the rumors he had heard about their connections to the hit on the Empress.

And yet, somehow, the young woman's gentle behavior reminded him to that of the Empress, and the frail boy reminded him of the Empress' son in a way, so Gottwald assumed there were people both good and bad in that world as well, just as with any other. Still, he never considered he had any sort of particular loyalty to them. Even keeping their secret was less of a commitment he actively sought and more of a combination of not wanting his memory wiped and just not wishing to bother going around telling, only to be dismissed as a mad man.

Then, why had he agreed to carry on Nekane Springfield's bothersome request shortly before she left?

Jeremiah Gottwald knew nothing about how the magic in the letters worked. All he knew on the subject was she had left him several months' worth of previously recorded letters with assorted messages to periodically send the boy and a certain family friend living at London, with the added instructions to also pick their mail and keep it until Nekane's return. Since anything new hardly ever happened at the village, it was easy to keep the illusion, Gottwald guessed, all those letters were being sent with generic praises of the youngsters' own missives and even more generic token statements of the local situation. He completely ignored if there was any way the children could suspect the ruse and date the letters Nekane was supposed to be sending, but he figured Nekane wouldn't have attempted the stunt if there was one.

It was not his place to question that, he supposed, shrugging to himself after picking the last batch of mail from overseas and taking it home with himself.

After all, that was what loyalty was about, in his mind.

* * *

 **Kittens.**

Once, while still studying at Ohtori, Himemiya Anthy had given a small, adorable kitten to the Student Council President, Kiryuu Touga-sama, as a gift.

Now, Anthy was far more aware of everything that transpired around her than she ever let be known, so she was perfectly aware what Touga-sama's possessive, obsessive little sister, Nanami, had done to a green and white kitten Nanami herself had given Touga-sama, long ago. Touga-sama had grown quite attached to and fond of the small animal, to the point Nanami grew jealous of it and ended up drowning it. Well, technically, she'd put it in a box and sent it drifting down a river, but the effect had been the same.

Anthy knew that, but despite all of her insight she couldn't know the future. Still, she had good reason to believe Nanami would do the same thing to this new kitten eventually, and that had not deterred her from giving it to Touga-sama, or even caused her any concern or discomfort about the situation. She was not fond of cats anyway, which in all fairness was a reasonable thing to expect from someone who kept a mouse monkey as a dear pet.

* * *

 _"Hiiiiisssss..."_ the small, black haired girl under the table hissed, baring her teeth up at Mai and Anthy, much to the former's perplexion. She was crouched down on arms and legs, like a petite beast waiting to lunge forward. Even wearing the Mahora Junior High uniform, everything about her conveyed the strong impression of looking at a wildchild, from her unruly, spiky hairstyle made into two thin side braids to her pose and behavior, not to mention her sharp, fierce eyes.

"Well, I realize it might seem like a heavy charge upon you, seeing as how you're still new at Mahora," the elder gentleman whose office they were at coughed, feigning awkwardness, "But Akio-sama told me before your arrival that you were the best caretaker he had ever known, Himemiya-kun. And of course, Tokiha-kun has a stellar record of looking after a younger sibling for years as well. So, frankly, we couldn't think of a better pair to look after Minagi-kun until we can find a proper tutor for her..."

Mai blinked, nodding absently at Headmaster Konoe's words, barely registering them. Still, she hesitated, and Anthy saw hope there, for a moment, before Mai's endearing but sometimes regrettably annoying soft heart made her crouch down before the Minagi girl, smiling sweetly at her.

At the bottom of the screen, almost-cookie-cutter generic teen anime harem leads all waved. "Yo," Itsuka Shidou, Emiya Shirou, Morisato Keiichi said from the forefront of legions. "See, now there's less sneezing! Aren't you happy?"

The feral girl went from hissing to growling, arching herself like a menacing feline. Mai, undeterred, simply reached over and stroked her hair, petting it softly. "So, Mikoto-chan, huh?" she said. "I'm Tokiha Mai. Pleased to meet you!"

The smaller girl blinked, obviosuly surprised by the unexpected contact from this stranger who was not keeping her distance like everyone else. She had been keeping them at bay for so long she had literally forgotten what to do when they touched her. Well, when they touched her and she didn't have Miroku at hand, at least.

Anthy did not frown or scowl, but for once, she was not smiling anymore. She just stood behind Mai in perfect, polite silence, which Konoemon seemed to find terribly amusing, if his slight chuckling, which only Anthy noticed, was any indication.

It was official, now the old man was Anthy's second least favorite Headmaster ever.

"Oh!" Mai added, gesturing back towards Anthy, cheerfully. "And this is Himemiya Anthy-chan! She'll be your roommate, too!"

The feral girl looked past Mai, met Anthy's bespectacled eyes with her suddenly narrow ones, and wrinkled her nose after sniffing in her direction. "Smells like roses," Minagi muttered, nudging closer to Mai, glaring at Anthy.

Mai blinked. "Um, yeah, I guess. She always does! What's so—"

"People shouldn't only smell of roses," Minagi slowly said, glowering under Mai's chin and generous bustline. "They should smell like people, too."

In addition to the former, it was now clear Konoemon was Anthy's second least favorite person in that office, too.

* * *

"Well, at the very least," an amused Archer said, carefully caressing and examining the gigantic black sword while Anthy glared out the window at Mai, running across the garden after a laughing and naked, soapy Mikoto, holding a towel in one hand while yelling at the girl to stop already and get back inside, "she should provide Tokiha-san with extra protection for the incoming war. And I thought you liked strong young swordswomen, either way?"

Then again, Anthy quietly decided, she liked her Servant even less than she liked the kitten or the old man.

She guessed he still was better than her brother.

Didn't change the fact she'd gladly Command him to kill himself eventually, though. After all, that rumored panty demon in Nerima was likely better than her brother.

* * *

"— you drowned it? Really?" Yukino made a disgusted face while Hikaru blanched hideously, hands twitching, and Tsuwabuki looked aside uncomfortably. Natsu, Lucy and Gray had identical expressions of utter dislike, while Erza Scarlet's own face had become an unreadable mask of stone.

The other person sitting around the campfire, under the starry skies of Mundus Magicus, grumbled while shaking her head. "Well, I had to, didn't I?! Didn't I just make that sufficiently clear? I didn't trust you, telling you all of this, just so you could stare at me like that! It's probably been reincarnated into a green-haired robot girl or something! I just wanted you to know why I'm not comfortable around cats, and that it's nothing personal against Happy-san!"

"I'm still jumping on your face and scratching it all over," Happy plainly said, seconds before doing just that.


	5. Lesson 4

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

Yabuki Kentaro, Hasemi Saki, and Shueisha created and own _To-Love Ru_.

I make no money at all from writing any of this.

Thanks to Shadow Crystal Mage for his editing and adding jokes.

* * *

 **Magic is what you want it to be**.

 **Lesson Four**.

* * *

It had happened before Negi Springfield could stop her.

Faster than he could react, she had literally flown past him, cannonballing towards the old man in black with a driven expression on her normally bubbly and happy face. It was still a cute face, since it seemed impossible for it to ever go completely grim; even while lamenting Yue's so-called 'demise', she had looked far too melodramatic and exaggerated to fully take her seriously. And yet, right now, seeing her unleash the force of her relentless attack upon the Count of darkness, Negi knew she was even more of a force to be reckoned with than his sparring with her had indicated.

Even Kotaro seemed impressed, words failing him this once. He stood by Negi's side, watching with wide eyes and mouth how the speedy, inexhaustible whirlwind of physical action that Lala had become assaulted the old man from every angle in breakneck succession, so quickly it was like that old cliche where there were several of her launching themselves on him at once, each from a different side. Rito-san, regaining consciousness, stood further back, gawking in disbelief and sweating intensely, while Golden Darkness witnessed the onslaught with a facade of cold detachment that tried to hide her chilling realization at what she knew now; that perhaps, during their own fight, Princess Lala had been holding back.

She wasn't trying for silly gadgets now and her robotic companion had fallen silent as to not disrupt her concentration in battle. Lala was using her hands, feet and occasional headbutt, and nothing else, perhaps over fear of hurting anyone else with the ricochet of anything that bounced off the Count's shields.

Because that was the problem in this situation. The demon's personal barriers.

Lala was used to battling fierce and immesely powerful adversaries, who for some reason liked to wear tights in brightly clashing primary colors, but very rarely were they anyone who had dabbled in the supernatural (at least, that's what Manga Khan-san had said had allowed him to so seemlessly remove and reattach his thumb). Such arts were forbidden in her father's domains, and overall, mystics had long fallen into disgrace in the areas of the galaxy where technology had become the domineering power millenia ago, mostly because of those crazy weirdoes who ruled the Empire of Tears. Demons and Earth's mages, however, were very familiar with the use of barriers as a standard part of fighting, much like the medieval knight relied on his shield and armor. Brute force was often useful to deal with a mage's defense, which was a big part of why Pactio partners were useful to a Magister, but more often than not, it took a combination of a mage and a warrior to pierce the defenses of an experienced barrier warrior.

Seeing the immovable Count stand without breaking a sweat under Lala's rapid barrage, merely using his hands and the miniature barriers they projected to keep on blocking each of her attacks, Negi had now studied enough of the situation to see he would have to be the magical partner in this particular equation.

"Go, Lala-chi, go go go!" Haruna kept on shouting from her bubble. "You're about to get a good one in! Kick that old prune's ass! Come on, Lala baby!"

Such devotion. Such trust. Such faith. Such hope! Such... language, Negi guessed, but still, her virtues greatly surpassed her flaws. He could always correct the latter after this, but first it fell on him to make sure they all would see the next day. The boy slammed his staff down on the grass and growled, _"Cantus Bellax!"_

"Huh?" Rito babbled, looking at him again. "What's that about Bella's cunt?"

"What's a cunt?" asked Kotaro, who wasn't really all that much more worldly than Negi after all, before his attention was caught instead by the sudden amount of rippling energy bursting from the nerd's body, washing over him as he tucked the staff behind his back, then charged forward to join Lala in the battle. Kotaro blinked. "Um, okay, now, I'm pretty sure that should be my cue, and though three on one look kinda—"

Then he was kicked from behind, literally in the back of his head, and sent flying several feet ahead, landing not too far from where now Negi was joining the fray. "What the hell, you little flip-flopper?!" Kotaro yowled, instantly leaping back to his feet and staring at Yami, who was now lowering her leg, a glimpse of black underwear briefly visible. "Why'd you do that from the back, you little witch?!"

"I'm a bounty hunter and killer for hire, such is a world that admits for no honor save that of the word given to the employer for money," Golden Darkness replied, readying her arms into huge twin axes, and wings sprouting from her back. "And I remind you, currently, that employer is the Count Wilhelm. So, to get to him, you shall fight me first."

"Are you insane?!" Kotaro said. "Boys and girls shouldn't fight each other! Are they all that crazy in your weirdo planet, lady?!"

Inside the bubble, Sakurako looked dubiously at Misa. "Maybe we should've warned him she was about to kick him? He doesn't sound that bad after all!"

"Hmph!" Misa grumbled, still just looking at Negi instead. "Who cares about that twerp, he's still the enemy! And he's sexist to boot!"

Konoka was almost drooling, hips slowly swinging in circles without her realizing it. "Oooohhhh, I didn't know she had gorgeous, feathery, wide white wings as well...! It's not cheating just to look, right? It's only looking, after all, it's not like I'm touching those soft, soft, cuddly wings...!"

Sora blinked at that, looked back and forth between Konoka and the now all-but-forgotten-Setsuna-san unconscious in the other bubble, and then shook her head to herself in faint dismay and disapproval. "Wing fetishist." The weird kinks these people had.

* * *

While all of this was going on, and the thunder of Lala's fists colliding against the Count's barriers echoed through the yard, Sailors Mercury and Venus snuck past everyone and headed towards the bubble where most of the girls were kept. "Okay, guys, hold on there, help's here now, professionals will get you out," Venus tried to reassure them, then asked Mercury, "Mercury-chan? What's your diagnosis?"

Akira, who already had summoned her special goggles and analyzing laptop, was using them to get readings from the bubble and its surface. Artemis' coaching had helped her a lot with the artifacts' use through the last few weeks. "It's no good," she reported with a gulp. "These defenses are stronger than anything I've seen from the Dark Agency before. I'm, I'm not sure we can break through it with our powers..."

"You aren't shooting at us with anything anyway!" Misa protested. "What if you overdo it and blow us up?!"

"It's okay, we'll use the mangaka as a human shield," Suzumiya Haruhi offered.

"Hey! What did I ever do to you?!" Haruna protested. "I thought we had something special! We were going to form a Haru-Haru-Haru threesome with the VP!"

"Nothing, it's just I like the others better," Haruhi said. "Truth be told, I'm not that much into pervs."

"You're pinching my butt again!" Sora complained.

"That's different, my hand keeps slipping and this bubble's too tight!" Haruhi swore.

Makie squinted while looking closely at Akira's face. "You sure we don't know each other? I think I've seen you before..."

"M-Must be just your imagination, Maki-chan," Yuuna said with an awkward cough.

"Step aside, holy girl coming up," Shiho muttered, pushing Akira aside with her hips. "Let's see, let's see, an evil ward, this might just work..." She hummed, pulling a few small seals out of the pockets of her hakama pants and placing them on the bubble's surface, where they quickly exploded on contact, making the prisoners inside bounce against each other in all directions. "Eeeeee! Or might not!" Shiho shrieked, pulling her hand back just fast enough as to not lose any fingers.

"What, what kind of supernatural guardian priestess are you?!" Sailor Venus demanded.

"Give me a break, I'm just an apprentice and this barrier is way too strong! It's the work of a Red Level entity!" Shiho barked at her. "And it's not like you are any more effective against it!"

"Don't fight, don't fight," Akira wearily sighed.

 _In the lower right of the screen, a little inset of Emiya Shirou nodded. "I'm Emiya Shirou and I approve this message!"_

"Guys," Konoka said with a small voice then, "come closer, please. Octopus-chan just reminded me of something..."

"Octopus-chan?!" Shiho cried. "Gah! I only have four of these things! Can't you people count?-!"

Konoka kept on hushing secretively while the girls moved closer to her, and even Minako and Akira leaned towards the bubble, ignoring Shiho's outburst. Making sure the Count and Yami, curently wrapped in their own fights, couldn't see it, Konoka pulled a tiny wand with a heart shaped tip out of her robe. "This is something Eva-chan gave me to practice with. I forgot I had it on me, but I think I can use it to get us out of here!"

"That tiny toy?" Madoka asked in the same hushed tone. "Please, Konoka-san...!"

"She's right, Konoe, this is no time for you to play around with your little collapseable dildo," Haruhi said. "Give it here, I'll hold on to it so you're not distracted."

"No, no, she's right!" Yuuna excitedly said. "It might just work!"

"Konoka-san's magical powers are second only to Negi-sensei's!" Ayaka added, then looked briefly over the others' shoulders to look at Negi, who was currently bouncing off the Count's shields, being thrown two meters back. The heiress whined to herself, eyes squinting in anguish, before all but grabbing Konoka and rattling her, "So if you're going to do it at last, do it right now, Konoka-saaaaan!"

"Um, guys," Artemis said.

"The cat talks," Chamo kept on muttering while Keiichi and Itoshiki kept on giving him weirded out looks. "I still can't believe the cat talks! Who's ever heard of a cat elf?"

"Not now, Artemis, we might be at the edge of a breatkthrough," Minako hushed her guardian. "But, guys..." Artemis began tapping with his paw on her leg.

"Just go behind a tree, no one's going to be looking!" Venus shouted at him. "We're all busy, you know!"

"It's not that now! It's...!"

"Oh my gosh, look out!" Sora yelled, pointing back behind the Sailor Senshi. "The gay gentleman's coming back to his senses!"

"Gay guy?" Minako blinked, then glanced back over her shoulder. "You mean... oh."

"Sailor Venus!" Jadeite growled viciously, now fully risen from the wet grass on still slightly wobbly knees, a bump on his head, and stretching a hand out towards her and Mercury. "Just the person I wanted to see tonight... to vent my unholy wraith onto!" he howled, and from his fingers, a massive barrage of sharp ice projectiles was shot, flying ahead like a deadly shower of glass shrapnel.

* * *

The Count supposed he could finish this fight in no time if he only started throwing petrifying blasts at the two insects attacking him. However, the fact one of said insects was someone he was supposed to test, not outright destroy yet, put a damper on such a design. Adding to that, there was the fact the other, admittedly more impressive at this point in recorded history, creature attacking him was the princess of an empire spawned from the demon race itself, which had migrated eons ago into the stars to establish a dominion over most of the known galaxy. Their fame had reached all the way back to Venus, and Graff Wilhelm knew, if he turned the girl into stone, her father would look to destroy the whole Solar System that had truncated this branch of his family tree.

Venus would survive, no doubt, since the power of Queen Hild greatly surpassed even that of Gid Deviluke. There would be major damage to the planet regardless, and as for Mars and Earth... well, the demons would not allow them to be destroyed just yet. After all, they were a valuable source of souls and contracts, and most Mazoku liked them as vacation spots. Lady Xellas would throw a major tantrum if she wasn't the one eventually allowed to obliterate Mundus Magicus. Plus, Discord might get out, and no one wanted that lunatic near them. He kept borrowing money he never returned.

With that in mind, the Count had fallen into a defensive strategy, but the princess was really an interloper in this conflict, and it was about time he started focusing on the boy completely. Finding an opening in Lala's chain of attacks, the demon threw a punch into her stomach, and sent her flying across the yard and into a dead tree that snapped in half. That, in turn, gave Negi himself an opening, just as the Count as calculated. He saw the boy aiming his spare wand at him, and without chanting, shooting a lightning beam directly to his face. Good. Now he would see.

"What the— AAAARRRRRGH!" Asuna suddenly screamed, distracting the captured girls for a moment and breaking their concentration. They had been formed in a circle in their bubble, all facing each other while the Sailor Senshi kept on dodging Jadeite's furious, relentless series of strikes, and Shiho had ran to hide behind a conveniently placed large rock with Artemis, still muttering about people who couldn't count.

"Asuna!" Konoka gasped, her grip on her own wand briefly faltering, and Negi would have shouted that as well had he not been too busy gasping at what he was seeing— the blast he'd just thrown on the demon had simply been fully neutralized in mid-air before it could reach its target. Meanwhile, Asuna was shaking in pain, the crystal pendant the Count and Melona had placed around her neck after capturing it glowing brightly, and almost burning her skin.

"Asuna-san, no!" Ayaka wailed, literally running facefirst into the bubble's surface, which sent her bouncing back against the others. "You fiend!" she then roared at the Count. "What have you done to her?!"

While Lala pulled herself back and kept the concerned Rito at bay with a gesture, the Count smiled at the assembled youngsters. "Why, I have done nothing but exploiting a diminutive part of your beloved princess' potential. Truly a waste, to let such talents be misused and forgotten, when they could serve so many worthy causes! Haven't you told them anything on the subject yet, Lady Skuld? I was under the impression they were your friends."

"We understand the need Skuld-chan, as any deity, has to be secretive and manipulative of mankind, you big meanie! So nyeh!" Makie pulled an eyelid down at him, sticking her tongue out. "You can't hope to turn us against her!"

"Especially since most of us haven't ever really trusted her in the first place!" Misa further challenged.

"Thank you, guys... you really understand, and let me stress the feelings are all mutual..." Skuld deadpanned.

The Count laughed. "I will tell you what, son of Nagi Springfield," he then told Negi, wiping the corners of his eyes away. "I have come mostly to test your abilities as well as those of this young lady you call Asuna. So I will allow your comrades to walk away if you concede me the chance to test you, one on one. Deny me that, and I won't answer for my own hand, much less Lord Jadeite's. Think carefully but fast, since—"

"Asuna-san!" Negi was calling to Asuna now, standing before her private bubble and carefully studying its surface with trembling fingers that lightly burned at the touch of it. "Are you okay? I'm sorry, this is all my fault, I swear I won't allow anything else to befall you!"

"... you haven't been listening to what I've been saying, have you?" the Count said, with a small drop of sweat attached to his silver hair.

"Shut up!" Negi growled at him. "Of course I have, I'm not that scatterbrained! But my priority right now is Asuna-san's immediate wellbeing! Just look at what you did to her, you, you...!"

"... did you just tell me to shut up...?"

Asuna coughed. "Negi, you idiot... Of course I'm okay, I'm not crying or anything, right...? Don't worry about me, and don't turn your back on that creep like this... After all, it's not like you've got anyone covering your back but Lala-san..."

"Well, excuse me for being busy!" Kotaro said while leaping over the latest slash of Yami's killer hair.

"Well, excuse me for not being a trained fighter!" Rito added, while fumbling around with the magi-gun Negi had lent him, to see if it had any secret function that could help him at all there.

"Well, excuse us for not being, uh, well, for not being that good!" Misora finished.

Cocone raised her cross and monotoned, "Divine Punishment from Above..."

 _Somewhere, a sleeping Kyon let out a particularly loud snore, then snorted and settled back down to a quieter sleep._

"AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!" Asuna screamed again while shaking once more, and the Count sighed while the bolt descending on him from the skies simply evaporated right before even grazing his hat.

"Asuna/Asuna-chan/Asuna-san/Anego!" Negi/Konoka/Ayaka/Chamo screamed at the same time.

"... huh, so it wasn't just a fluke," Cocone said quietly. "My apologies, Asuna-sempai. I assumed this was a holy artifact rather than a magical one."

"You're so dead when I get outta here, you hear me?! Dead!" Asuna promised.

"Asuna, she's just an innocent kid!" Misora protectively hugged Cocone from behind while Cocone blushed and nodded. "Besides, without her, who'll clean my bedroom!"

At this point Cocone stopped nodding and simply stared up at her. "..."

"Hey, I was just trying to ease the situation as best as I could!" Misora offered.

"Anyway, now you see you cannot defeat me through mere numbers, boy," the Count said, taking another step towards Negi. "You are doing nothing but keeping your friends in jeopardy by retaining them at your side. Let me dismiss them and let us settle our conflict man to man!"

"I keep _trying_ to do that!" Negi said, sounding offended. "They just keep showing up anyway! What you think I _want_ to bring them into danger like some kind of supervillain with lackeys?"

"Did Negi-kun just call us his lackeys?" Sakurako said.

Then the count sighed inwardly as a small projectile was shot at the back of his head, where it actually landed since he had let his physical barriers down for the moment. Negi quickly took mental note of that; clearly, keeping so many shields for so long, against so many direct attacks, had drained him to some measure, at least to the point he would not keep them automatically up anymore. The boy half smirked to himself, little wheels spinning quickly inside of his head.

"Fuck!" he heard then, but he was busy enough planning as to not scold the source of the dirty language.

The Count rubbed the aching spot on his scalp and glanced back over his shoulder, at said source of dirty language. Yuuki Rito was scoffing and huffing at him, with a smoking gun in each hand, and eyes full of hatred. Lala had to pretty much step in between him and the demon, her arms open wide. Rito mostly ignored her, though, as he spat venomously. "Fuck you, dirtbag! The nerve of you, talking about settling things man to man, when you first resort to using girls as bait! What kind of alleged strong man are you? I look at you, and I see nothing but a coward who wouldn't fight a kid without stealing power from a girl! C'mon, if you really are letting us go, then let her go as well! Show us how macho you really are, old fart!"

"Oh, Rito-chan...!" Haruna swooned, hands clasped and hearts flowing up from her head.

Yuuna raised an eyebrow. "Well... maybe there was more to your relationship than simply being desperate enough to grab onto the only man who'd ever take you, Paru..." she admitted.

Misa hummed. "Come to think about it, the Perverted Beast IS kinda cute when he's bluffing suicidally..."

"Hey, I saw him first! And you always were mocking him behind his back! So now shoo, shoo, scram away from my man!" Haruna commanded them.

Rito's eyes became tiny. "... they were?"

"I thought you were cool with sharing?" Misa asked.

"Only with people I like," Haruna said piously. "And yeah, I like you, but you lose Rito-kun privileges for dissing him. No getting together with Rito-kun for you! You're only allowed to have wild hot cheerleader sex with him, and only when I'm supervising too."

The demon, far from being offended, simply closed his eyes and spoke with gravity. "I am sorry, young fellow. But I cannot let her go. And I admit, from your perspective, you may be excused in thinking you have a valid point. But it is necessary for the fulfillment of my contract, that I keep—"

"Perspective nothing, boo, boo!" Haruhi hissed. "Don't try to weasel away like a politician, Pops! Shame on you, shame on you!"

"Shame on you, shame on you!" Chamo joined in.

"Shame on you, shame on you!" Makie chanted.

"Shame on you, yes, shame on you!" Negi decided, also advancing towards him now, readying himself for whatever came next...

"Very well, if that is how it must go, so be it," the Count mused grimly, before pulling a fist back, then slamming it towards Negi. "DEMON FIST!" And the force of his motion alone literally filled the yard with an intense, burning light for the next several moments.

* * *

Crouching behind the conveniently placed large rock in the mostly dead yard, Munakata Shiho whimpered while covering her ears with her hands. "Why oh why did this have to happen to me?! I'm a good girl, I've never hurt anyone, not even all those tramps who keep making eyes at my Oniichan! And my Oneesama! And me, because yuck!"

Sitting on the grass next her, Artemis sighed. Why couldn't they all be like Akira? Even so, he knew what he had to do next, and there was no point in stalling anymore.

"Munakata-san. Shiho-san," he said. "I can call you Shiho, can't I?"

"Shiho can't hear you, Shiho's hands are on Shiho's ears!" she sang loudly, closing her eyes tightly.

"I think you can hear me just fine," he disagreed. "Listen, Shiho-san. Right now, your very life is at stake—"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" she lashed out. "It's so comforting to know at least one of those who brought me here is aware you pulled me into a deathtrap!"

"—but you can use this to your advantage!" he chose to ignore the outburst, instead beaming a white smile. "Think of this as a chance to expand your horizons, Shiho-chan! To reach for a whole new world that will empower you greatly!"

"The afterlife, you mean?" Shiho snorted. "You're not trying to get me to make Pactio with Springfield, are you? Because one hustling rodent is enough."

 _Patience, patience,_ Artemis told himself. "Shiho-san, do you know why Tatsumiya-san thought it'd be a good idea for you to come with us?"

"Because she just isn't aware of my limits, needs or fears, and wouldn't be terribly sorry if I was killed in the line of duty?" Shiho almost sobbed.

"No!" Artemis said. "Because she's special, and I'm sure, somehow, she could also see how special you are! I've been watching you for a long time now, Shiho-san! I think you're fated for far greater things than the life of a maiden shrine!"

They shuddered as a random blast Jadeite had just shot landed scarce feet away from them.

"Well, yeah, I think others right now don't agree. Wait, there are limits on exactly how much you've been watching me, right?"

Artemis politely coughed into a paw, then continued, "We don't have a lot of time for inspirational speeches, Shiho-san, so I'll be direct and just say I think you are a Sailor Senshi!"

"Just answer my question, damn you! Have you watching me in the show—Wait, what, what, a Sailor Senshi?!"

Artemis nodded, happy he didn't have to answer that other tangent anymore. He didn't like to lie after all, and he'd been told he was bad at it. "Just like Venus and Mercury! Your Shinto heritage carries the power of a mystic legacy from millenia ago! You are the chosen of a planet to carry on the fight for the Solar System!"

"Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, gosh, gosh," Shiho gulped. "I'm not Sailor Uranus, am I? Because I don't think I could handle all the jokes…"

"Huh, no, Uranus is someone else."

"Oh. Good. Joking at someone else, I can do that," she decided. "Um. That'd make me stronger than Mana Oneesama, wouldn't it?"

"Well… I couldn't say for sure, but there's a decent chance it could, after a few powerups…"

"And taller and prettier and sexier, too?"

"Er, beauty and sexiness are all in the eye of the beholder, but, ah, Venus and Mercury receive far more attention from boys when they are transformed than when they aren't—"

"What does Shiho-chan have to do?!" Shiho eagerly asked, eyes sparkling. "Do I have to make a contract with you?"

"No, that's some other guy. Ahhhh… Just raise your hand and believe in yourself and shout 'Mars Crystal Power, Makeup', that should work, assuming I've been right in my guess, I mean it's either your or that Asuna girl—"

Shiho quickly raised an arm, stretched her fingers as much as they could go, and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Mars Crystal Power! Makeup!"

Once again, the whole yard was bathed in an all-consuming, disorienting light that made Rito stumble and land facefirst into Lala's crotch as he tried to restrain her from rejoining the fight.

"Oh good, I was right," Artemis said. "Too bad. I kinda like that Asuna girl."

* * *

 _Mundus Magicus:_

"I didn't know," Shidou Hikaru mused, sitting on a large discarded log by the farmside, "this was part of the job of an adventurer, too."

"Well, think of it like going into towns to talk with NPCs in a videogame," Yukino reasoned, standing a short distance from her while Erza talked to the rotund bearded farmer in overalls and a straw hat and holding a huge shotgun. "Look at that, isn't it a perfectly stereotypical situation of the genre? Even Farmer-san looks plucked directly out of a Dragon Quest."

"I didn't even think they had guns here too," Hikaru said. "I mean, everyone keeps carrying around wands and stuff."

"What would you say his power level is, Sempai?" Tsuwabuki asked.

"A Five, I'd guess," Yukino shrugged. "And that only because of the shotgun."

"What in the world are you talking about?" the bored looking Natsu mumbled, hands in his pockets.

They had stopped by through all the farms in the huge green stretch of land they had been scouting over the last few days, in their journey for the Beastmaster Fairy Tail had dispatched them to deal with. It had been a fairly torturous proccess of asking questions to often uncooperative locals by day, and sneaking into their barns to sleep by night, but the area was so backwater they didn't even have any decent hotels around. The important thing to remember, Erza had stressed, was waking up very early to sneak back out before the farmers would go check on their barns, then chase them away shooting the hell out. Almost invariably, Natsu-san had screwed that up by being too much of a heavy sleeper, and more than once the party had to escape carrying him like a dead snoring weight while bullets zoomed all around them. Not to mention all those times they torturously had to keep quiet while the farmer's daughter or son or wife or farmer himself snuck someone to have sex in the barn.

This particular farmer seemed more cooperative than most, however, perhaps because they were getting closer to the target, and the greasy fellow was gesturing excitedly as he conversated with the red-haired lady of war, who simply kept on nodding at his words.

"They grow worse, more restless, every passin' night!" the man narrated with wide fearful eyes. "And the wolves, they keep coming closer too! Bolder, like never before! It used to be, I'd shoot a few times and scare 'em away even during winter, when they were the most hungry. But now, they just retreat an' then come back almost as soon! It's unnatural, I tell you! Even my own ostriches have begun peckin' me while I feed 'em! I haven't been able to feed 'em prop'ly in days!"

Meanwhile, Happy's little wings flapped, keeping the blue cat in the air while he checked on said ostriches and chocobos in their nearby corral, tall and almost reptilian birds that were far bigger and more impressive than the ostriches Yukino could remember seeing at zoos during her childhood visits with Haruka. They crawed and flapped their small, rudimentary wings almost constantly, trying to peck at Happy whenever he got too close. Happy only laughed dumbly at that, seemingly amused at provoking the ostriches like that only to immediately deny them retribution.

"What an imbecile," Nanami bitterly murmured to herself while trying to keep as much distance from them as she could. She swatted the mosquitoes insistently trying to fly into her face to commit suicide again and sighed. She had always hated animals, and animals had hated her thricefold in return. For this assignment to deal with animals of all things was a great strain on her already stretched patience, and so she just kept fanning herself, the better to keep those infernal little beasts away from her skin, which was not as pale as she liked it anymore. Nearly two months of walking under the sun across an alien world, first on your own and then following a guild of weirdos, will do that to you.

"Hasn't anyone contacted you, trying to buy your animals, or to extort protection?" Erza asked now, her face all business like, as well as her delivery. "Have you seen any suspicious drifters passing along since this situation started?"

"You're the first outsiders comin' around in months," the obese man answered, fanning himself with his hat, "but Beth sez she saw a weird lookin' little shadow 'round the ostriches the other night, ma'am."

"Beth? Who's Beth?" Erza inquired.

The farmer spat aside before yelling towards his old, dilapidated farmhouse, "Beth! C'me here, these fellows from some Guild wanna ask you 'bout what you said you saw! Beth, darn you, these fellow don't have the whole danged day, yanno!"

"Coming, Unca!" a young voice came from inside the house, and moments later a young girl with her reddish hair in braids was walking out, hands in the pockets of her blue overalls so only the thumbs were poking out. That seemed to be the extent of her clothes. "Wow, it's a whole Guild right here!" the petite, slim girl cooed, a large grin stretching across her freckled face. "Who'd have thought some unresty critters and a shadow woulda bring so many mages 'round these places!"

"Well, it's been a slow month," Erza vaguely shrugged her shoulders, then smiled down at the smaller girl. "Your uncle's been telling us you saw an unusual presence around these premises recently. Is that right?"

She nodded firmly. "Yes, M'am! Three nights ago, I heard some rustlin' 'round the corrals as I was comin' from the barn, an' went out t'see what was up. Turns out I heard some li'l voice, like that of a kid, whisperin' t'the ostriches, and the chickens too!"

"Oh dear, not the chickens," Nanami shook her head and rolled her eyes sarcastically. "Why won't anyone think of the chickens?"

Beth paused in her story, looked strangely at Nanami, then asked Erza, "What's y'r friend there's problem?"

"Her problem's she's not my friend, otherwise I'd have kicked the problem out of her long ago," Erza smiled kindly at her. "Never mind her, just tell me what happened later."

"Well," Beth rasped, "I musta scared the li'l fella 'cause I heard 'im, or her, who knows, scurryin' away in the dark, but the animals have only been wilder ever since. And our chickens keep disappearin' whenever we look away, usually two at a time. The dog went away, too." She sighed, rubbing her legs together. "I miss that dog."

"Aye! You just can't trust dogs! Man's best friend, my tail!" Happy nodded, flapping closer and nodding sagely.

Beth blinked at him. "What a weird cat…" she mused aloud, then asked Erza, "I don't think that's a really bad person or else they'd have really hurt us already, yanno? You guys going to put a real bad hurt on 'em?"

"Well, that depends on them, Beth," Gray calmly said, also walking closer. "That person's been going around saying he wants to hurt some friend of ours, so it's not like we can just ignore them. You understand that, right?"

Beth took a deep breath and looked up and down at him. "Why are you wearin' nuthin' but your underpants, mister…?" she innocently asked right as her uncle shrieked and blocked her eyes with his hairy hands from behind.

"Huh?" Gray looked down at himself. "Damn it! No wonder I was feeling a drift…"

"YOU MORON!" Natsu growled while punching his head from the back.

While they begun fighting all across the prairie savagely and the farmer eyed them suspiciously, readying the shotgun in the event they came too close to his property or niece, Lucy asked Erza, "Now what, Miss Scarlet? This still doesn't tell us much, and this is the last farm in this district. Ahead of us, there's nothing but mostly uncharted woods," she frowned, looking into her maps of the region again.

"I've told you, Lucy, just start calling me Erza already..." Erza folded her arms and hummed. "I suppose we should set camp for the night and see if the intruder comes back. If they haven't done so by morning, we'll first try a raid into the woods. Then again…"

She raised her completely quiet and unimpressed look into the skies, where a large flock of black birds could be seen coming down from the mountains, heading directly towards the valley.

"… it might just be that person already learned of our presence, as well," Erza said ominously.

* * *

"Now what the hell is going on…" Jadeite grumbled, rubbing the spots out off his eyes with a sleeve, and turning his head towards the source of the light that had surprised him mere moments ago. Negi, the Count, Yami and Kotaro, who had been standing far further away from the light, had recovered even earlier, but as soon as they did, the adversaries had pressed on the attack back just as soon, leaving the boys with no choice but starting countering immediately, with no time to investigate what had just happened.

Then a majestic, if a bit on the shorter side, figure stood proudly on top of the conveniently placed large rock, hands on hips, a short red skirt fluttering around said hips.

"Enemy of all women!" the unknown figure shouted. "Bringer of a bad name upon all things gay!"

"I'M NOT GAY!" Jadeite roared, swiftly pulling a cane out of probably his ass.

Undaunted, the figure continued, "This is the night you know punishment! The sacred maiden imparts judgment upon you!"

"That pose!" Minako gasped, working back to her feet. "That confidence! That talent for melodramatic monologue! Could she be—"

"I'm a Sailor Senshi who fights for love, justice, and the right of my Oniichan to live in peace!" the redhaired person who now stood fully visible pointing at Jadeite shouted. "I'm Sailor Mars, and I'll punish you in the name oooooooof!"

At that point, she had lost her footing, slipped on the smooth surface of the conveniently placed large rock, and fell facefirst on the ground.

"…" Akira and Minako said. Jadeite blinked, staring at the quiet, fallen form at his feet, and then broke into evil, hysterical laughter.

Instantly sitting back up spitting leaves of dry grass and tiny glops of mud, the currently brown-faced Sailor Mars looked at her feet. "High heels!" she exclaimed. "Whose was the bright idea to give me high heels!? Whoever knew me enough to give me great powers I can be trusted with should know I can't walk on high heels yet!"

Minako glared. "What's wrong with high heels, octopus head?"

"DAMN IT, THERE ARE ONLY FOUR OF THEM, IT'S NOT AN OCTOPUS!"

"Oh, this is rich!" Jadeite laughed, slapping his knee. "This is what the Sailor Senshi have been reduced to now? To rely on children who take themselves out of the fight? The Queen will be so amused! I hardly can believe it myself!"

"Ahhhh, shut up, I've just begun to fight!" Sailor Mars yelled, taking her red shoes off and throwing them on his face.

"Don't tell me, what are you—" Jadeite managed to say before gasping in pain, as the sharp heel of one of the shoes lodged itself on the middle of his forehead. "…!"

Akira and Minako cringed.

"Ouch," the latter said. "That's gonna leave a mark!"

"What is it, what is it?" Asuna asked, trying to stretch her neck in a way that allowed her a view from her angle. "What's going on, it sounds interesting!"

Jadeite trembled, livid and pale, taking a hand to his wound and then pulling the shoe off, covering the small bloody opening with his fingers. "What, what kind of outrage, how dare you damage my, my pristine beauty like this…"

"Yup. Gay," Minako nodded.

Sailor Mars blinked. "Huh! If it makes you feel any better, I hadn't planned it that way! Not that I mind the result, that is…"

"DIE!" Jadeite screamed, starting to blast at her with his free hands, eyes bugging out in insane fury. "DIE IN THE NAME OF MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"

"It's nothing that can't be fixed with a band aid and a few weeks of waiting!" Shiho gasped while clumsily jumping aside, barely dodging the deadly barrage in the nick of time.

* * *

"Okay, this time everyone please keep your attention on this, no matter what's going on outside," Konoka requested in hushed tones while holding her wand. "I know it's hard, Iinchou, but stop trying to look at Negi-kun for a few moments, will you!"

Nagato half-sighed, reached up for Ayaka's head, and rather forcefully spun it back around so it too now was facing the wand directly.

"W-Will do," the blonde promised. "But just hurry up, Konoka-san!"

"Will try," Konoka told her back, forcing a little smirk as her grip on the wand tightened and her hips wiggled slightly. "Okay, now I want everyone to imagine the bubble breaking. _Don't think, imasine,_ " she sadly in a brave but flawed attempt to speak English, while somewhere else, Illya briefly cringed, then sneezed.

"How can someone imagine things without thinking?" Sora protested. "That just makes no sense!"

"Sempai," Makie sagely said, "thinking is hard, imagining is easy. Just picture the bubble bursting in your mind, instead of thinking the words 'the bubble will burst'. That is how you do it. Isn't that right, Konoka-san?"

"Impressively well put, Maki-chan!" Konoka said.

"Well," Misa said, sweatdropping, "she is the expert on **not** thinking around these parts, after all..."

"Let it flow into your minds naturally!" Konoka instructed. "Picture it as accurately as you can! It will just burst open like a bubble of soap in the breeze, without hurting us! I know we can do it, girls!"

All the girls closed their eyes and tried to imasine.

In Satomi's head, stock footage of the Death Star exploding played on a loop.

In Makie's head, a picture of a bubble popped over and over as what sounded like wind blowing through a big, empty cave echoed.

In Nagato's head, a pleasant fantasy of Haruhi's head exploding into bloody chuncks repeated itself again and again as the ghost of a dreamy smile pulled at her lips.

At the same time, Negi was backflipping away from the Count. Lala tried to run interference from the side just before the old man caught her unware in the face with a lucky punch, sending her reeling back. Rito's gasp of shock was lost in the heat of the moment as Graff Wilhelm simply advanced quickly on Negi, hammering through his own barriers with anti-magic charged punches, each one of which made Asuna scream in pain and twist.

Kotaro gestured with his hands, which had now grown large sharp claws, and small patches of black fur on their backs, and five identical images of himself appeared all around Yami, running quickly around her while the contract killer frowned and slashed at them with her arms, now turned into ornate broadswords. In the meanwhile, the real Kotaro quickly ducked under a patch of tall dry grass and stealthily rushed away to sneak behind the Count, jumping right behind him to rise with an ascending kick, punting him right in the butt.

"That was nice, Kotaro-kun!" Negi complimented, taking the chance to leap forward and thrust both hands into the Count's stomach, as hard as he could. Just as he had noticed before, he still needed to be aware of an incoming attack to set his physical barriers up, while the anti-magical ones were automatic. However, getting that close meant the demon could place both hands on his scalp and roughly shove him down into the dirt before slamming a foot on his head and backslapping Kotaro away with his right hand.

"Is this the best you can do, Boy?" the Count sneered down on Negi, while Lala halted in mid-sprint towards him, seeing how the demon had the boy pinned down. She sort of liked the child as a cute little brother figure of sorts after all, and she was smart enough as to realize a rash action right now could end badly for him. At the same time, Yami had finished slicing the last Kotaro copy into ribbons and now leapt straight at him again, being met with a grunt of supreme annoyance and a new round of accelerated dodging. "I'm so disappointed. For you to be the son of those people."

"What, what...?" Negi growled, trying to push himself up by pushing his hands against the ground, straining himself against the merciless boot.

"Or might it be that you simply are holding yourself back?" the demon wondered. "After all, I can see you aren't thinking as a warrior just yet. You are being a gentleman, but I want more than that. I want you to give into your fury. What do I need to do? To go back on my word of letting these people go, now that you've rejected such an offer?"

"What?!" Negi said, jerking his head up violently, enough as to push the leg up but not enough as to do it fully, the Count's sole now planted on his upturned face.

"Hey!" Haruhi cried. "Not cool dude! This is going into my review! Six out of ten!"

"Ultimately," the Count lectured, "as much as pious hypocrites like saying they fight for others, we all fight for our own desires. Kotaro fights because he enjoys it. The Golden Darkness does it because of the recognition and prestige that validate her own existence. The non-entity over there fights because his woman is watching, in the hopes she will eventually bestow her favor and quench his libido. You know why do you do it, boy? Because it pleases your self-righteousness! The truth is, you use your companions as excuses to justify your own wish to be a hero!"

 _In the lower right corner of the screen, a little insert of Emiya Shirou looked around in confusion. "Wait, what am I doing here?"_

"THAT'S WRONG!" Negi growled, grabbing his foot and pushing him away from himself furiously. The Count laughed as he easily stepped back, hopping lightly into a pugilistic stance. Now Lala did zoom for him, but he simply casually gestured towards Rito and sent a warning blast at his feet that turned the grass right before him into a slab of stone.

"Princess," the demon icily warned as Rito yelped in shock, "try to engage me again, and rest assured not even you could stop the next spell in time. You may be unwise to dispose of permanently, but I doubt your parents will care much if the lad is instead."

"M-Maybe I should be leaving..." Rito gulped, talking a step back. "Just let me get Haruna-chan back with me and I swear we won't bother—"

"Not a single step, lad," the Count warned him this time.

"No sir," Rito said with a tiny voice as he nailed himself in place, Lala seething viciously at the demon.

Negi growled and rolled his sleeves up. "What can you know about caring about others? You judge based on your own filthy soul. You are unable to love others, so you think anyone who does is only pleasing their own needs. Let me tell you this, I don't care if I'm aknowledged or not. I don't care if you kill me right now and I never can enjoy the accolades of my peers or students, as long as they get to be okay. Nothing of what you say is going to change my mind, so please spare me the attempts to make me question myself and just start fighting like a man already!"

The Count laughed again. "Well said! Maybe there's hope for you yet. Although you are still corny beyond reason, young man. You should record yourself and then listen to what you said later. I guarantee you'll be ashamed of yourself then."

Negi just seethed out a corner of his mouth. "Lala-san, Kotaro-kun, please let me handle this on my own. Lala-san, please help Kotaro-kun instead, as he—"

"I can handle this on my own!" Kotaro protested, trying to send blasts of compressed air at Yami by simply waving his elbows with enough strength, only to be blocked by her hair at each turn.

"Maybe you could if you started attacking for real already!" an angry Negi told him, then shook his head at the Count. "Can you believe this guy, honestly?"

"I can," the Count agree, "which doesn't mean I understand his reasoning. But why do you think I brought a pretty young woman and had her dressed like domestic help in the first place? Know your enemies, and their weaknesses, before facing them, boy. A shame you will never get to learn mine... while I know yours all too well."

Negi smiled. "I don't think we are acquainted with each other, Mister, so I don't see—"

"Oh, but we are," the aristocrat said, then reached for his face and pulled on it, ripping the skin and beard off, making Negi choke in sudden abject horror. "We met once, years ago, a Christmas night, Negi," the hideous figure with a horned head said, his voice now deeper and raspier, the Count's gray eyes replaced with twin glowing little orbs of fiery green. "What do you say, then, if we finish what we started then?"

"DESPAIR!" Itoshiki wailed, eyes nailed on the nail-biting scene. "Even with numbers on their side, the enemy is still too powerful to be vanquished! It is hopeless, Morisato-san! Hopeless!"

"... huh?" Keiichi blinked, looking away from the displayed bare asses of the girls in the main bubble, who stood with their backs to eveything else, and now looking instead at Nozomu's face, a small trickle of blood running down his nose. "Ah, uh, yeah, sorry about that, Sensei, you, you were saying?"

Itoshiki stared cold and accusingly at him, before dope slapping him across the head.

* * *

At that moment, however, something flew from above, and yet again Asuna rattled and shrieked when the object that had just been tossed into the head of the demon, charged with powerful magic, exploded against the anti-mahou barrier, barely making the Count raise an eyebrow's outline (now his human skin had been shed off, he literally had no actual eyebrows anymore). Black petals floated around his head while another voice called from the direction the magically loaded rose had been thrown from.

"Vile fiend! Hellspawn of darkness!" the voice shouted with bristling indignation that sounded across the whole yard, even through the sounds of the struggle between Jadeite and the three Sailor Senshi at the other end of it. The dashing silhouette of the Black Rose Baron stood on what remained of the manor's heavily damaged, collapsing rooftop, wide cape dramatically flapping around the stranger's lithe frame. "To think I'd find you tonight, after... after years of searching! To see you confessing your crimes, your sins, like this! Tonight... Tonight is the night you'll die!" the masked person ended up growling, visceral and bitterly, twirling a cane around and then slamming it down, making tiles to fly in every direction.

"Do we know each other?" the intrigued Count asked, trying to place the voice, a split second before a madly enraged Negi, as if waking up from a spell, rammed into him, taking advantage of his momentarily lowered defenses, and sent him high into the sky.

Meanwhile, Sailor Venus had paused in her frantic attempts to remain alive and blinked at the newcomer, squinting her blue eyes. "... that isn't Tuxedo Kamen-sama. Where's Tuxedo Kamen-sama?!"

"Screw your Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Shiho cried, pushing her out of the way of another blast of the enraged General and barely dodging it herself. "And not in the way you're thinking, you perv!"

"I didn't say anything!" protested Minako, instantly refocusing her attentions on their side of the battle.

"Negi!" the Black Rose Baron gasped, their own attention now fully set on the insanely seething and hissing boy who stood waiting for the return of the demon, gathering power in his fists. Once the black speck returned into sight dropping from above Negi jumped after it, zooming past the Baron shouting his name again, desperately. His eyes were very still and round, Kotaro noticed right before his leap, like the eyes of a complete madman detached from reality. Even Yami had also paused in her attack to look up at him, and so had Lala, coming to a halt at mid-point between her original position and Yami and Kotaro's.

"Oh wow," the alien princess quietly mouthed out.

"Negi-sensei!" Ayaka screamed as much as she could, breaking her attention away from the group effort and reaching up without thinking. "Negi-sensei, don't!"

"Iinchou!" Konoka cried. "Not now, you've gotta—!"

Then, however, just as Ayaka was literally trying to push her arm through the bubble's surface, the bubble collapsed on itself, instantly dropping all of its captives all across the grass, a second before Ayaka lost footing, finding herself suspended in midair, and just plummeted with a yelp, falling on top of Satomi, butt first. "Aie!"

"She did it! Through The Power of Love!" Matoi grandly claimed, hands coming together, eyes going starry.

"Indeed!" Itoshiki gasped. "It's not as great as the power of Despair that eventually crushes all hopes and dreams, of course, but— Ah! You were there?!"

"Yes, always," the girl standing next to his and Keiichi's bubble nodded. "Well, actually, since a few minutes ago, when I broke out of mine while no one was looking, but technically, same thing—"

"H-How could YOU escape?!" Keiichi yelled.

"I told you already, Sempai. Power of Love," Matoi shrugged matter-of-factly.

"But Chisame isn't here!" Sora gasped while pushing herself from the ground to kneel up, a hand on her crotch and the other on her breasts.

"Just the same, I was dreaming of her before waking up," Matoi shrugged. "I assume that means she's okay elsewhere, then? Also, no need to cover yourself, Sister-In-Law. After all, the boys have already seen everything you have to show..."

"D-Don't call me 'Sister-In-Law'!"

"Yes! That is what I wanted to see!" the Count triumphally shouted, suspended in the air while blocking Negi's latest mindless strike with his arms. "This speed! This energy! Truly a fine display—!"

Without a single word, Negi kneed him in the stomach, sent him flying further up, and leapt down to take impulse on the branches of a tree below. Bouncing back, he took up into the sky again, with an animal scream that sounded downright terrifying. An aura of golden power seemed to envelope him, making him look like a human streak bolting across the cold air.

"Oh dear God, Negi, no!" the Black Rose Baron angsted, taking a gloved hand to their mouth and trembling violently. "You, down there!" the Baron called out to the girls, now helping each other up, Misora and Cocone coming to their side. "Do something! You're his partners, aren't they? There must be something you can do for him!"

"There is, I'm sure," Haruka inhaled, taking control of herself again and entering Field Commander Mode. "Hasegawa!" she barked. "Your flying vehicle!"

"But, but I don't have my Card at hand...!" Sora stuttered, falling into a sitting position still covering herself as best as she could.

Haruka pointed up at the quickly moving speck flying up to meet the Count's. "He's gotta have his copies with himself!" she reminded them. Since she had been using her Pactio while captured, all she had to do was materialize her Artifact in her hand again. "Call them fourth to yourselves! Like Evangeline-san distraught us to!"

"Forth! Taught!" Yuuna corrected before reaching up, then shouting, " _Adeat!_ "

Without Negi's realization, one of the cards safely tucked into his person vanished with a soft puff of magic, then reappeared into Yuuna's outstretched hand, instantly dressing her up in her Pactio outfit while Haruhi cooed and swooned in delighted awe.

After sharing a few quick glances, the rest of Negi's Ministra nodded at each other and followed Yuuna's example, quickly standing in full Pactio regalia while, up and above, Negi rammed into the Count's defenses again and again, madly and incoherently, foaming of the mouth while slowly losing altitude, the Count only further laughing at him, in a non exactly rational either fashion.

"That's right!" Haruka approved, adressing her troop. "Now, Saotome, you go up with Hasegawa! Maybe you can't hit that... thing with magic yet, but you can pull Sensei away from him before he gets himself hurt! The rest of you, let's get Kagurazaka out of her bubble! That means double for you, Yukihiro! Do that Power of Love thing again!"

Ayaka blinked. "P-Power of Love?! But, that only was for Sensei's sake, I couldn't posssibly—"

"Oh, everyone can freaking see it!" Haruka yelled at her. "Just do it already!"

"— with Asuna-san?" Ayaka weakly finished, before moving ahead nonetheless with Konoka and the others, towards Asuna's bubble.

"This... This is bad!" the still captive Chamo gulped, catching on Haruka's attention now. "The Bro's entered a Berserker state!"

"You mean he's going to become one of those Servitudes the Black Thing warned us about?" Haruka huffed.

"Not exactly," the ermine shook his head. "But he's still overusing his magic, stretching the limits put on him by the Cantus Bellax! He's pouring out his whole magical power, which makes him formidable... but also very quick to burn himself out! At this rate he'll take himself out in no time!"

"Blast," Haruka murmured between clenched teeth, fingers tightening on her mace's handle. Had they been closer, she'd have risked a throw at the Count's head, but from such a distance, and with Negi moving erratically all over him, she was just as likely as to hit him instead.

Sora, in the meantime, had activated her Artifact and cautiously flew up on it with Haruna at her side, the mangaka quickly sketching on her drawing set, chewing on her own tongue. "Senseiiiii!" the college student called out nasally. "Come back to your senses, we're already out! Let's just beat a hasty retreat, Sensei!"

The Count's eyes narrowed. "Retreating? Now of all times?" He took a surprise hold of Negi's arm and threw him down, into the rooftop, where he passed through the tiles almost right next to the Baron, who shrieked very girlishly, and landed inside of the decaying house, falling into literal darkness. Then he faced Sora with wild eyes and a stance that was not too unlike that of a mad gorilla about to strike. "I'm afraid not, young ladies. Not when I finally achieved what I wanted from him. But, I suppose I could get even more. Why, if only the memory of hurt to his loved ones made him into that glorious creature—"

"Haruna-san!" Sora began to panic, looking back at the girl standing right behind her seat, long black hair flowing in the breeze. "Whatever you're going to do, do it now!"

"I can't until Asuna is out!" Haruna shouted back, fingers just about to finish the drawing she had been readying. "Otherwise it won't work anyway!"

"— just think of what actually witnessing it will do to him!" the Count finished, gesturing towards them, power gathering into his hands for a final release...

... and then the blast went out of his hands, only to go astray and hit the ground instead when a rocketing Lala tackled him from below, zooming into him with the speed and power of a missile.

"NEVER! HURT! HARUNA!" Lala made clear, each word punctuated with a massive blow to the Count's body, making him wince with pain, never giving him a moment to raise another shield.

"Foolish princess!" the demon howled, grabbing her by the hair and headbutting her, buying himself more time. "You knew what would happen to the lad if you intervened! I shall petrify, then pulverize him right before your—" Lala headbutted him right back, interupping him. "LALA, SMASH!" she cried, kneeing him in the general vicinity of his groin.

Rito tilted his head. "Huh. Maybe Lala and I can work things out after all. I mean, we have so much in common. Just look at her priorities..."

"Guys!" Haruna shouted for the girls below. "Isn't Asuna out yet?! Because we kinda need that already!"

The Count chuckled while tossing Lala aside. "Did you think that lowly of me? With you, I went easy. The Princess' prison is very different from yours! Reinforced to a degree none of your paltry efforts could ever break through! Just as soon as you touch it, it will destroy you! Only I can break its enchantment!"

"What is he saying?" Haruhi asked from below. "Because I think I just heard him saying..."

"Yeah, he did," Misora nodded. "It seems to be an instant effect thing, where any attempt to break it down will automatically hit whoever tried it back."

"Then, then it's hopeless..." Konoka swallowed while Ayaka blanched.

"No, maybe not," Misora distantly mused, quite pale herself, as her right hand quietly began to move quite fast, becoming a small blur vibrating in place.

The Count saw it, and paused. "You can't possibly be thinking of—"

Then he was struck down from beneath again, as a screaming Negi, blood seeping down his nose and mouth, flew back up to punch and slam at his chest, moving him further away from Sora and Haruna. "No! One! Hurts! My! STUDENTS!" Negi babbled savagely, mouth foaming in a mixture of saliva and blood, much to Hasegawa and Saotome's muted terror.

Misora stepped closer to Asuna, while Ayaka and Konoka silently backed away. She gulped visibly, her whole right arm trembling with sheer accumulated velocity, and the rest of herself with pure dread.

"You know, I'm a coward, Asuna," she confessed. "And this whole time, well, maybe I've not been acting as much as I should've. But, um, I've been watching. I can do that, when I want to, and, and learn things, and deduce. And, I've realized, every time this guy uses you—"

"Misora?" Asuna doubted. "Misora, if you're thinking of doing something dumb, then don't, that's my—"

"I'm afraid, Asuna," Misora admitted, her arm now raised at the height of Asuna's collarbone. "But you're my friend. No matter what happens, please remember that."

Thinking of the speed. She had figured that out pretty much on her own, during the time she'd had this power. She had to, since there was no one around with the same type of power, not even the other world's Misora. But unlike her, she couldn't just run fast. She could also move any part of her body at superspeed. It had been one of the first things she had learned while activating her Pactio. And to do that, you pretty much had to concentrate on the Speed itself. It had been that way during Kyoto, while rescuing Konoka and going so fast Sukuna and the rest of the world had gone into slow motion. And it was that way now. Only now she had to focus herself, not on her feet, but on her arm and hand. Little sparks like lightning flashed around it, distracting but negligible. She must have been producing a lot of static charge or something.

Briefly, Misora thought she had caught glimpses of strange psychodelic colors out of the corner of her eye while plunging her hand into the bubble, moving faster than the human eye could follow. Ocassionally she'd get flickering glimpses of admittedly handsome men in tight red making gestures of support at her, but she ignored the hallucinations to instead think of moving faster than the magical effect of the barrier could. Maybe that way she wouldn't lose her whole arm. And if she did, well, Konoka could heal her before she died of blood loss, right? She didn't think Konoka could reattach her arm, though, but...

... no. She was afraid, but there was no time to doubt.

She was literally moving faster than her own doubt.

Her fingers grazed the surface of the trinket around Asuna's neck, the one she had seen glowing every time the Count had blocked magic. Misora wanted to think maybe she was like Negi-kun in that regard. That, after all, they could both examine a situation and win it through guile and observation. Even if he wasn't exactly doing that right now. But maybe, just maybe, that meant they were, after all, compatible, and she could... she could...

... she could...

Her arm felt like it was burning. Misora ignored it and fully touched the gem, then vibrated her fingers all over it. There was a faint glow on the flawless exposed skin of the lingerie-clad statue that was Asuna right now, and with a brief burst of one of the little sparks– wow, they were all over her arm not, it was like she was being electrified–, the gem became dust lightly sprinkling her flesh.

Misora smiled then, and an invisible force pushed her back, roughly, into the statues that were Ayaka and Konoka, just as soon as they stopped being statues; and the men in the Speed corridor cheered on her for a picosecond before disappearing, and before the sounds of the real world overcame her hallucination. Misora tumbled back, dropping on her butt and dragging the Ojous in her fall with her. She thought she had lost awareness for a fraction of a second or something, but an immediate concern pulled her back to reality just as soon.

"My arm!" Misora screamed, looking at said arm, only to sigh in relief when she saw it still was there, although with a missing sleeve and several burnt marks all over it.

"— suga-san?" Ayaka was sputtering now. "What have you just, I don't— Oh!" she swallowed, as she saw Asuna, now without anything but thin air surrounding her, taking a dizzy step towards them, a hand on her own head and the other reaching aside. "A-A-Asuna-san!"

"Misora-chan," Asuna dryly said, looking at the nun in training. And then smiling warmly at her. "Thank you so very much."

"Y-You're welcome," Misora nervously nodded at her. "You'll spare Cocone-chan now, won't you?"

Asuna nodded back, and growled the word, her mood swinging back to righteous fury. _"Adeat!"_ she roared.

* * *

"Neko-san!" Shiho cried as she ran back for cover, scrambling for Artemis. "This isn't working, all it lets me to do is to run faster from being blasted to bits! Tell how to pull the same weird powers as these girls!"

The cat sighed as Shiho rejoined him behind the conveniently placed large rock, then told her, "What am I, Dear Abby?Okay. Hm. Sailor Mars. I never was her Mau partner, she never saw fit to have one. Liked hanging around with crows better, and you know how it goes between birds and—"

Shiho grabbed him and began shaking him back and forth while Venus was heard asking rather colorfully where she'd gone in between explosions. "To the point, Sylvester!"

"I think I remember, from the old days, Sailor Mars used an attack called Fire Soul!" Artemis meowed.

Shiho stopped rattling him. "All right. And how do I activate that?"

"How should I know?! Look, the girls have all learned along the way! Usually it just takes shouting the attack's name and remembering how to gesture for it to work! That's all I can help you with, really!"

"Remembering! How in the world can I remember something I've never done in my aiiiieeeee!" she yelled as Akira was thrown over the conveniently placed large rock and at her feet, the much taller Senshi twitching with bruises all over her body.

"I, I believe I need a power upgrade..." Sailor Mercury stammered while otherwise not moving. "Is it the middle of the season yet? Christmas? I'll settle for a bad writer on staff..."

Sailor Mars gulped. "On the other hand, maybe all I need to know is how to perform a nice, safe teleport move..." She shrieked again as the conveniently placed large rock was shortly shattered into dust behind her, and Jadeite strode through the resulting cloud of dust, aiming an outstretched hand at her while holding a struggling Venus's neck with the other. Despite all her attempts to disengage herself by clawing at his wrist and kicking at his legs, he was not letting go, staring viciously at the terrified Shiho.

"So, this is what I should've done from the start, instead of wasting my time with stupid youma," the blond man hissed between short, deranged cackles. "Really, the power of a Dark General is something that shouldn't be wasted behind desks and hidden chambers, and budget meetings and performance reviews, watching how morons make you look bad! This is it! No more middlemen! From now on I'll just murder these peasants and take their lifeforce personally! Thank you for showing me the way, Sailor Senshi!"

Shiho gulped while backing away on her butt across the grass. "Y-You're welcome, Mister Insane Criminal, sir. Maybe, as a token of your gratitude, you can let me go just this once...?"

Jadeite hummed, arching an eyebrow, before simply smiling sadically at her. "Sorry. But I'm too gay to care about girls."

"Gah!" Shiho closed her eyes, slammed her hands together, bashed her pointer fingers against each other for some reason she couldn't quite explain, and screamed as high as she could, "FIRE SOUL!"

"What," Jadeite said right before being hit directly by a massive figure shaped like a monstruous crow of fire that threw him cleanly across the yard, like a doll tossed away by a capricious child. Unfortunately, he was still holding Venus while flying, stunned but not enough to drop her yet.

"Maaaaaaaaars!" the Senshi of Love screamed while flying along. "You're fireeeeeeeeeed!"

Shiho blinked, looked down at her small gloved hands, still surrounded by faint, warm wisps of flame, and chuckled creepily to herself. "Oh, you can be sure I am, fu fu fu..."

"That," Mercury pointed out, struggling to get back up, "is no way for a guardian of justice to behave..."

"Look, I don't tell you how to lie after having your butt kicked, do I?" Shiho told her as she walked towards the distant site of Jadeite and Venus' landing on her bare feet, looking back at Akira over her shoulder. "So please don't tell me how to kick the bad guy's butt after it's been proved at least _I_ can do it. Just rest there and let me handle it. I promise I'll call you an ambulance afterwards, fu fu fu," she made a very sinister face as she marched on.

"There you go again with that chuckle, which I don't think it's very fitting for a—" Akira began while trying to follow her, despite of how much each step would hurt.

Shiho simply replied with the universal phrase for Japanese flatchested little girls being annoyed, even if they aren't voiced by Kugimiya Rie. "Urusai, urusai, urusai!"

 _All over Mahora, dozens of girls were jerked ot of a restful sleep by an explosive sneeze. Hey, there's no room for all of them in an insert in the lower right corner of the screen, okay!-?_

* * *

The sword came to her like an old friend, and Asuna found it in herself to smile. She contemplated it, so huge and yet so light in her hand, an identical copy of the one Twilight Red had wielded. Her name in Roman letters on the edge, barely any heavier than the paper fan, but feeling much more powerful and meaningful, bringing a strange warmth to her head. Maybe it meant she was feeling odd memories from some sort of past life, maybe it meant she just had been waiting too long to slash around with a gigantic cutting instrument. Asuna did not know, and frankly did not care. All she cared about now was she felt herself complete at last.

"Hello sexy," she cooed. "Let's rock."

"Asuna-chan!" Konoka chirped, clasping her hands together. "You did it!"

"I did, didn't I?" Asuna smiled proudly at her friend. "With this, we're as good as all gone home safe and sound now!"

"Um, Asuna," Sakurako gulped, looking up.

"What do you say to this, Iinchou?" Asuna smirked, rotating her arm easily, taking the sword through a few practice swings. "Just bring me that old guy already! I'm going to save your man for you, how does that—"

For an answer, Ayaka leapt forward and tackled her and Konoka out of the way just in time, before first Count Wilhelm slammed into the dirt upside down, and then a towering inflatable doll in black dominatrix gear landed on him, feet first, making the ground quake thunderously.

"... as expected from Paru-chan," Konoka's gaze went up, towards the cackling artist on the sweatdropping Sora's floating car, who kept on gesturing repeteadly. And with each gesture of Haruna, the titan of round and grotesque face caked up with cheap whore makeup stomped on the fallen demon, further sending even more shockwaves and burying the dark creature even deeper and deeper.

"How'd ya like that, Pops?" Haruna challenged, with a glint in her glasses that downright terrified Sora. "Feeling like giving up now? Come on, say no and make my day, punk!"

"Gladly," the demon's voice came from the depths, and then a blast was shot upwards from his left hand. Haruna's creation flipped back barely in time, but the beam still grazed the top of its head, turning that area into stone, and making the S&M mockery tumble back, all equilibrium lost.

"Ahhhhh!" Haruna yelled, yanking her head back and blindly striking on her drawing set to dispell the creature before it was too late. A scant moment later, the living drawing disappeared, and the ahoge on Haruna's head, which had turned into fine stone strands itself, collapsed in on itself into a fine dust that quickly scattered into the chilly air. Haruna shouted something not apt for the ears of minors, much less their mouths, and trembled as she fell to her knees by Sora's side.

"S-Saotome-san!" the college student gasped. "Are you alright?!"

The younger girl wheezed, took a hand to her hair, realized she had stopped turning into rock, and sniffled. "I th-think so. But my precious love detecting antennae! My pride and best trait, other than my breasts, my cute face, my shapely ass, my peerless intelligence—!"

Sora sweatdropped. "I'm glad for you then, Saotome-san."

The Count rose from his crater, eyes glowing even brighter now, coat fluttering around him like the huge wings of a beast from ages long gone. Before him stood Asuna, valiantly ready to do battle like a barbarian princess from a fantasy novel's badly painted cheesy cover, but with more clothes on now that her Pactio outfit had been activated.

"So," he said, voice deep, "it would seem the tide has turned against me now. So be it. But I shall still fight to the bitter—"

"GRRRRRR!" Negi zoomed down from above, viciously kicking him away from Asuna and rolling with him across the mud, until they crashed against an old fence that crumbled into splinters. He shoved both palms on the demon's chest in a rough imitation of Ku Fei's style before kicking him in the face, blooding his mouth. He moved fast, relentless, but increasingy more erratic, his motions jerkier and more spastic. He only grunted and hissed now, ignoring the frantic screams of the approaching girls and even the Black Rose Baron as they ran closer. pummeling and beating on his fallen foe but also looking like he was dying himself. "HNF! SNRT! RRRRARRRRRR!"

And then someone ran past them, and punched Negi in the face, knocking him away from his defeated enemy.

"Who—?" Negi panted, nursing his suddenly swollen cheek, and squinting at the person now standing over him. "I..." he choked into a fit of bloody coughing, "I told you... stay back..."

"I don't take orders from someone who isn't paying me," Inugami Kotaro coldly told him, then slapped his face, to which Negi only could blink and babble something that sounded like 'Bweh?'. "And you definitely couldn't afford me at a teacher's salary, nerd!"

Haruna suddenly grinned widely. "Ooh, inumimi shota enjo kousai... Kinky! My next manga makes itself known!"

Behind Kotaro, Lala was coming to a halt, holding a now motionless Yami slung over one shoulder, the shape of Lala's knuckles still visible as a mark on one of her cheeks. For some reason, her shapeshifting hair had taken the form of little canaries flapping around her head. Rito paused after her, looking up at the flying vehicle that was about to touch ground level close to him, Haruna easily leaping off it and into his arms. Since he was too weak for a good catch, all that meant was she only pinned him against the ground while giggling, her breasts on his abruptly beet red face. Haruna hugged him tightly, as if never wanting to let go.

Kotaro sneered at Negi, and while Ayaka looked like she was about to protest, Asuna silenced her with a gesture."Look at yourself, nerd! I've been called a dog, a mongrel, a rabid beast, and a furry, and to some degree, I am. But you're the one being an animal! You're just proving this jerk right, giving him what he wants. This isn't the guy I fought, the one who claimed he always had a plan! That guy was the son of the Thousand Master, and a little wuss who hides behind women but was at least smart enough to know he needed to hide! The guy I'm seeing now is a loony chihuahua that would bring shame to the worst pack of mutts! You went full on Team Jacob, nerd!"

Negi hiccuped, blushing in what the girls hoped was just shame as he looked up at Kotaro's disapproving expression. "Kotaro-kun."

"You're going to kill yourself, besides," Kotaro huffed at him, "and then you're just going to sneak away from our rematch like a coward, right? Like hell you will! Let your girl to heal you," he added, gesturing for the all too eager Konoka, "and if there's still some fight in this creep, I'll handle it from here! You both owe it to me, after all!"

The concerned Black Rose Baron looked at Matoi. "Is he... his friend?"

Matoi shrugged. "Sort of. Hm. Who are you, anyway?"

"Heh. Brave words, child," the Count coughed, again standing, although visibly slower now. "But it is not your power I wish to test anymore. Instead, I would like to verify how stronger our Princess had gotten."

Lala blinked. "I've not become any stronger since we met, so I have no idea why would you ask that..."

"I think he means me, Lala-san," Asuna forced a smile, walking ahead while readying her blade. "And he's welcome to try. After all, it's just fitting to give this sexy baby a proper baptism of—"

Right then, a gigantic machine erupted from the ground under the Count, slammed into him, sent him flying several feet up in a rather undignified spinning fashion, and made everyone else sweatdrop when the demon landed back on his jaw, back curved and heels touching the top of his horned head. He twitched, said, "Ungh," and then fell silent.

"See, I told you that'd work," Yue's voice came from within the rather steampunk-ish lokking machine, which was like something pulled out of the illustrations of an old fashioned sci-fi novel. Hearing that, Haruna squeed in glee, unceremoniusly dropped the mostly comatose Rito, and ran to the head of the group to wiggle her hips eagerly at the strange device that was softly stopping before them. "I knew odds were the forcefield wouldn't extend far below ground level, because who else but us would be insane enough to try drilling under it?"

"What do you want, a freaking medal?!" a voice that made Matoi squee and wiggle even harder said, and a small door on the top of the machine was opened from the inside, Hasegawa Chisame's grumpy looking head poking outside.

"Chisame!" Satomi and Sora pleasantly said at once. Sakurako sighed, muttering about netorare.

Chisame frowned at them all, asked, "Why the hell are the SOS weirdos with you and naked?" and then gasped while seeing Konoka healing a weakly smiling Negi, who apologectically waved at her. "I knew it!" she accused, pointing at him angrily. "I knew you'd get yourself beaten to a bloody pulp, you stupid brat!"

"Well, sounds like everything turned out fine, Nodoka-san," Ako's voice quietly came from within, "but next time, please make us a vehicle that can get us to them before the whole fight is over, will you?"

"S-S-Sorry..." Nodoka's voice meekily stammered.

"T-that's my line," Ai answered in pretty much the same tone, although at least mildly happy to get some dialogue at last.

* * *

A few moments ago, at the other end of the battlefield, Sailor Mars and Mercury stood facing Jadeite, who had had wobbled back to his feet holding Sailor Venus close to him, an arm wrapped around her throat as his other hand held two fingers pressed against her temple. He panted madly, half of his exquisite uniform ripped to shreds, showing off his physique, and overall giving him a rather striking appearance.

Not that it affected either of his audience. Shiho was a confessed and loudly vehement Tate-sexual, and her felings for Mana-oneesama were _definitely_ just strong admiration and a desire to be like her, totally, definitely, I'm not gay, hurray for dicks yay boys! Akira meanwhile, while in denial, definitely liked much younger English or Welsh gentlemen better. Besides, Akira felt so dizzy she barely could keep her sight focused on him.

"Um, Jadeite-san," she still managed to say. "You know, this is the moment when you teleport away giving another threat to get us next time."

Shiho risked a very brief sideways glance at her. "How many times have you done this by now anyway?"

Before Akira could pronounce a number that would have made Shiho gasp aloud, Jadeite chuckled derangedly. "Not this time, Sailor Mercury. My Queen won't give me more chances after this. Tonight, I kill you, I die at your hands, or perish by hers. And believe me, I don't think the third one is an option. So here's what we'll do..."

A bored looking Shiho pointed a finger already wrapped in flames at him. "So I torch you so you can have a nice Suicide by M Agical Girl, Viking Funeral, whatever. You only had to ask for that from the start!"

"WHAT KIND OF PSYCHO WANNABE MAHOU SHOUJO ARE YOU?!" Jadeite and the bruised Venus yelled at her at once.

 _In a little insert at the bottom right of the screen, the ever-sexy Mrs. Akemi Homura raised an eyebrow. "What are you all looking at?_ "

Shiho sighed. "Please, let's be serious now. What do you expect us to do? Surrender ourselves so you can kill us, then kill her as too, then zip away before the others nail your butt?"

The other three paused.

"Ah, that's sort of the heroic thing to do..." Akira began.

"It's the stupid thing to do! That's the kinda of suicidal, Darwin Award-esque stupidity I expect from a Piers Anthony Xanth novel!" Shiho violently disagreed. "My God, I've only spent five minutes in this business and I already know how to do it better than you! No wonder this fruitcake keeps escaping you! The only way you guys could be more of a joke is if you kept throwing him in a criminal asylum with a rotating door!"

"Was that a slam against Batman-sama?" Venus grumbled. "Because no one slams Batman-sama on my watch..."

"He's the best at what he does," Akira, who had actually seen him in action, nodded. "And what he does is pretty cool."

"I always was more of a Green Arrow person. You messed with him, shoosh, arrow through your head!" Shiho said. "And that's why he doesn't have a stupid gallery of recurring freaks constantly escaping to kill people!"

"Not a very big fan of the trick arrow period, I see," Venus said before lecturing, "Besides, any good Green Arrow fan would know about his recurring foes like Count Vertigo, Merlyn, the Duke of Oil, and, um, okay, those three!"

"The Duke of Oil?!" Jadeite shouted vehemently. "Are you seriously spending my big dramatic finale discussing the freaking Duke of Oil?!"

Venus shrugged as best as her current position and wounds allowed her. "I guess we could also mention the Clock King, but technically he's more of a Batman-sama villain who just happens to slum it in Star City. By the way, Jadeite, Venus Love Me Chain."

"What?" he blinked, a split second before realizing she had just pointed a finger at his midsection and then shot one of her signature attacks, wrapping him in a chain of energy before she kicked him aside with her remaining strenght, and yelled.

"Mars! Now!"

Before Akira could react, Shiho slammed her fingers together again, gathered her hovering gigantic crow of flames, and shot it ahead with a might shriek of "FIRE SOUL!"

"What, what—?" the stunned Jadeite stammered, stumbling around all hogtied on clumsy feet before being directly swallowed and consumed by the massive figure enveloping him from all sides now. "DAMN YOU, SAILOR SENSHI! I WILL BE AVENGEEEEEEE—!"

And then the Fire Soul dissipated, and left behind nothing but a fine layer of ashes plummeting to the ground.

* * *

Elsewhere, watching these events in the middle of a titanic dark chamber through a floating crystal ball, a no less handsome man with long, wavy, fabulous dark brown hair tightened a manly fist in frustration.

"Damn those Sailor Senshi! To fell our brother-in-arms Jadeite like that! This vile deed won't go unpunished! The Four, I mean, Three Generals of Beryl will avenge you, Jadeite, as per your—!"

"Oh, so they finally killed the sap already? 'Bout time," Zoicite lazily asked from where he rested on a comfortable couch of leopard skin, being fed grapes by a shirtless Kunzite. "Can you turn the channel off already, then? I don't know, isn't Game of Thrones on at this time? Scandal? Teen Wolf? Wendy the Werewolf Stalker? Anything but your creepy voyeuring of underaged little girls gangbanging an old man."

"..." Nephrite said, then yelled at them, "Fellow Shiten– er, San Tennou! That's our comrade 's ashes blowing in the wind right now! Show some respect! The brave Lion of the Mahora District should be honored with at least ten minutes of silence and a tasteful star on the Agency Memorial Wall!"

"I didn't see you zipping over there to save his bacon, did you, Kunzite?" Zoicite asked, reaching up to lightly play with Kunzite's long, silky, silvery hair. As the fourth General shook his head in silence, Zoicite continued, "Besides, Mahora should've been a piece of cake! I mean, I got the Honnouji area, and do you see me complaining? Even I feel the creeps from that Ragyo woman, but I keep on soldiering across her turf, and I get far better performace ratios than that loser! Good riddance, I say!"

Nephrite exhaled, hung his shoulders in dismay, turned away from them and rubbed the bridge of his nose with a miserable face. "Maybe we can hire the Duke of Oil for a replacement?"

"At the salary we're offering?" Kunzite said.

"Good point. Maybe we can get a speedster, they're a dime a dozen these days..."

* * *

"Oh my God," Akira gasped, taking a hand to her mouth. "You... You really did it! You just killed him! You killed Jadeite! You're not human!"

"Now, we don't know that for sure," Venus grumbled while resting against a tree. "Perhaps he just vanished away at the last moment like he always does. He's always been tricky like that. He might have just tried to fool us with—"

"Err, no, I'm pretty sure that guy's dead," Shiho said, poking the ashes with the tip of her foot. "I had him at point blank! I saw the Fire Soul to burn him alive! ... It was so gross, too... And I think this is part of a tooth!"

Akira spun around on her heels and began making gurgling vomitting sounds.

Venus sighed. "Mercury-chan. You got used to killing off Youma. This isn't that different."

"Of-of course it is!" Akira protested. "This isn't another monster, this is—"

"This was another monster," Venus interrupted sternly, "Just a much more powerful one. Did he have emotions, feelings of his own? Hath not a Jadeite hands, organs, dimensions, senses, kinky fetishes, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons– all right, maybe not the weapons, he was a tough bastard, I'll give him that– subject to the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Senshi is? If you punched him in the face, did he not bleed? If he has us at his mercy, did he not laugh? When we set him on fire, did he not die? Yes, he did, and guess what? So did all those mooks he kept throwing at us and at innocent people. We only got used to offing them because of force of habit, that was it. Mercury-chan. I wish it could've been another way, too. But sometimes, a champion of justice like Iron Man must resort to lethal force when necessary." A pause. "Unless it's Batman-sama, because he's just that awesome and he'll always find a way. But we aren't Batman-sama."

"I still say Green Arrow is better," Shiho quietly said.

Akira only sniffled, rubbing her eyes over and over. "That was the worst mangling of Shakespeare I've ever heard. I'm surprised Negi-sensei hasn't flunked you."

Venus sighed, sliding down to sit on the dead grass. "You know, something just like this happened to me before. Back when I was still very new at this, still in England. There was this guy, just like Jadeite, a general of his forces, the local branch of the Dark Agency. His name was Adonis."

"Venus," Artemis said, walking closer to them, with soft concern in his voice.

Minako silenced him with a tender gesture and a vague sad smile."I had to kill him, just like this, too."

"And—?" Shiho asked.

Artemis looked down and somberly said, "They'd been a couple."

Shiho and Akira jerked up in shock.

"Heh," Venus chuckled, gesturing for help to stand back up, and after a moment, Shiho and Akira each reached for a hand of hers. "Thank you," she said while helped up. "It seems that's my curse, to fall for mysterious guys who probably aren't the best for me, you know? You two seem lucky, what with that Oniichan you kept on mentioning, Mars-chan, and that nice cute Negi-sensei, Mercury-chan..."

"V-V-Venus, please!" Akira stuttered, blushing.

Shiho blinked at her. "Um. Okay. Well. No asking, no telling, I guess. Although I think I should make clear my Oniichan isn't my blood brother, not that I'm judging anyone worse by virtue of being a Shotacon anyway...!"

"Mars-chan," Venus said.

"Because my Oniichan is rather older than me, so anyway it's not like I'm completely adverse to May and December romances, and...!"

"Mars-chan, you're making her uncomfortable!" Venus said.

"... sorry," Shiho offered.

"Geez, you're actually less offensive when you're being a cheeky brat than when you try to be helpful," Venus observed before looking at the gigantic bondage doll currently slamming on the Count. "Just look at that, those friends of yours sure are something else, Mercury-chan."

"Geh," Shiho cringed with disgust.

"M-Maybe I should go help them..." Mercury tried to walk in that direction only to double over in pain one moment later. Venus placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Relax. I think they've got things covered on her side. Oh wow, that Negi-kun sure can go wild on someone's ass when he wants to! Just look at that, he's kicking his butt so hard! I've never seen an asskicking so literal!"

"... that's actually disturbing to see, coming from him..." Akira gulped.

"You know," Shiho mused, "I'm kinda sorry about calling that guy gay now. Come to think of it, he actually went down like a man. Except for the part about being wrapped in a colorful bondage chain made of little hearts."

Venus snorted. "Silly girl, a gay person can be just as brave as a straight one. But yeah, I don't think he was actually gay. Just a really flaming metrosexual. I wonder if ever been to the Philippines?"

"I thought metrosexual was only a fancy way of saying gay?" Artemis asked.

"Oh, Artemis, you're so old fashioned!" his partner shook her head at him.

"I can't help it, I was born millennia ago!"

They kept on watching from a distance as the Ala Alba finished the fight, complete with the apparently completely random arrival of a drill vehicle, which Shiho realized to her mounting horror it wasn't really fazing her anymore. Quietly, she asked, "So, these powers, can they be pased along to someone else, in the event one doesn't want to—?"

"If the current Senshi dies," Artemis lectured, "her Star Seed will go inhabit the next closest descendant of her original Silver Millenium incarnation. Otherwise, um, nope. It's a fate and a duty one is born with."

"Oh geez," Shiho grimaced.

"Relax, I really didn't mean it when I said you were fired," Venus said. "I'm just demoting you and docking your pay!"

"I haven't said I want to quit just yet," Shiho made clear, "I was asking just in case, that's all. I was wondering, do you think I'll get into legal trouble if I make 'Whatever the problem is, I'll solve it by burning it!' my battle cry?"

"Oh, so you're a fan of Magical Kyoko, too!" Venus brought her hands together with a happy coo.

"I'm only familiar with the catchphrase through Pop Cultural Osmosis!" Shiho said. "It's not like I watch children's shows, I just happen to like that phrase!"

"There's no shame in liking Magical Kyoko! It's a perfectly okay show for all ages with a strong and positive female role model!" Venus gleefully harped.

"The way those girls dress, I always assumed it was a show for adults only," Artemis observed.

Shiho looked at him, then asked Minako, "Are all magical mascots perverts?"

"I think so," Minako shrugged. "He tends to keep watching me or Ami in the shower believing I don't notice him."

"I don't!" Artemis cried.

"I knew it!" Shiho cried.

"And theoretically, if I did, why haven't you done anything about it, huh?"

"That's between me and my friends miss loofah and mister showerhead. Ami is probably just glad a male thinks she's worth looking at. Anyway, Mercury-chan is a fan of Magical Kyoko too, aren't you, Mercury-chan?" Minako asked the tallest Senshi.

"..." Akira said before beginning limping away. "I think Konoka-san is healing Negi-kun. At least I hope that's what I'm seeing. Maybe she can do the same for me too..."

* * *

By the time the Sailor Senshi made it to the other side of the battlefield, one barefoot, one slightly crispy and knocked around, and one bearing a full-body bruise, some generous soul had moved the defeated Count into a more dignified position, so he now lay on his back on the dirt at the middle of everyone, with Yuuna's guns, Chisame's scepter, Negi's wand, the Black Rose Baron's cane, Ai's umbrella, Misa's needles, Haruka's mace, Ako's baseball bat and Asuna's sword all aimed at his head just in case.

Okay. So maybe 'relatively more dignified' is a better term here.

"So," Chisame asked out a corner of her mouth, "where did the old man go, anyway?"

"This is the old man," Kotaro said back the same way. "Ripped his own face off, literally. It was gross." He turned to the Senshi. "And what about your guy? How much did he laugh at you girls while escap—"

"I fucking murdered him!" Shiho smirked while making a rather colorful proud gesture with an arm.

"Language, please," a distracted Negi said before gasping in realization, "Wait, you did _what?!"_

"Um, I mean, I was forced to employ lethal force to save my friends' lives," Shiho innocently said, dragging a foot around. "A real shame, but alas, there was no alternative whatsoever..."

"Your friends?" Misora asked. "This is the first time I've ever seen you, where were you the whole time 'your friends' needed you?! And where's Mana's little apprentice anyway?! And why aren't you wearing shoes?!"

"Those things are impossible to walk on! Honestly, what kind of slut teaches herself to walk on stilts? Why?-!"

"Okay, you're aking me reconsider the 'fired' thing," Venus said, standing regally on her own high heels.

"Ha, ha ha ha," the Count laughed humorlessly. "Such is the fate of all those who dabble in darkness without being originally born from it."

 _All over Mahora, perfectly ordinary highschoolers sneezed violently in their sleep. In about 19 instances, it was all that saved their lives and soon transitioned into a dramatic fight scene against the one sneaking up to kill him. In eleven instances, they were surprised to find a love interest lying on top of them, blushing fiercly, five instances of which led to wild hot sex. Three lucky people got love interest, attempted murder, **and** sex at the same time, which led to a very awkward morning and an unprintable assassination report. Two decided to try dating. One pair left their adventuours life behind and walked the path of a monogamous highschool couple, the other pair remained enemies by day but fucked at night (and day whn theey could get way with it), and got into some really kinky harem stuff. Lolis were invovled at some point. See, we find ways to keep this sneeze thing fresh and relevant._

Misa blinked. "What? Do you mean the gay guy wasn't a demon too?"

"Actually, we've come to the conclusion he wasn't gay at all, just really flaming metrosexual," Venus explained. "And possibly lived in the Philippines for a while."

"Isn't that the same as being gay?!" Chamo cried from his bubble. "And could anyone please get me out of here now?!"

"Just a moment, Chamo-san..." Konoka pleasantly purred while hugging an eyebrow-raised Akira from behind, using her curative magic on her.

Chamo stared at their position. "... on second thought, there's no hurry, take your time."

Satomi tutted. "Konoka-san, is this the netorare thing I've heard of? For shame," she said while Sakurako gave her a bland look she didn't notice.

The Count sighed. "It doesn't fall on me to relay the secrets of the Silver Millennium. Let us just end this charade already, as you have done to Jadeite."

The Black Rose Baron hissed poisonously as 'his' cane's tip came closer to his face. "Don't you think I'd have already ended your miserable existence if only I could? It takes more than mortal magic to slay one of your vile race."

"Excuse me?" Kotaro said.

"Black Rose Baron-san, don't be racist," Konoka chided.

"Ah, but remember," he told 'him' with a knowing glint, "You know well there are special spells that can do it. Negi, as I told you, I learned a lot about you. Out of all those here, only you know _that_ spell, isn't that right?"

Nekane's blood chilled in her veins as she gave her little brother a despairing glance he blissfully ignored.

"I do," he humbly confirmed. "But I won't use it. I swore to never resort to it, and so far I have kept my word."

"Afraid it will misfire?" the Count asked. "What's the worst that can do? Kill me? Be warned, if I survive, and you can't seal me in that bottle like you did to the Sisters, I might return, eventually, to test my power against you again. After I have pushed myself past my current limits."

"I have aunts and uncles like that," Haruna said, nodding.

"Then I'll just have to be better than you, mister," Negi stoically said, gaze low and somber.

"I might target your loved ones once more," the Count added.

"Yup, definitely getting an aunt and uncle vibe. Did you used to live in the Nerima area?" Haruna asked.

"For a brief time in the nineties," the Count confirmed. "It was very restful and homey. Reminded me of my hometown from when I was a little demon spawn. I'm afraid I went a little native."

"Oh, for God's sake!" Sailor Mars shouted. "Fine, if I have to do it every freaking time, I'll do it ag—!"

Skuld frowned at her, silenced her with a hand on her mouth, and then shook her head in a way decisive enough as to intimidate Shiho. Then the goddess went back to watching Negi in an unreadable silence.

"Then," Negi was saying, sounded very tired, but also very unwavering, "I'll just have to keep protecting them. But I won't end your misery, whatever its roots are. If you cannot move past it, then perish by your own hand. I won't let you to sink me into my own disgrace. To make me like you."

 _In the lower right corner of the screen, a small signpost appeared reading: "Batman is much too cool and busy to show up here, but he approves this message.'_

"Bwa ha ha ha!" the Count laughed louder. "What a honest young heart! This, then, is my true defeat. Live by your word, Negi. Whether that's for your own good or ill, that's only for you to decide from now on."

Negi nodded in silent understanding.

The Count smiled devilishly at the Senshi. "And what do you say, ladies? It is possible three princesses of the lost Millennium might be as able as the forbidden spell. Magic from the old ages always was the best. Still willing to take a shot at this old man?"

"Wilhelm," Skuld coldly said. "Enough. I won't let them. You are perfectly aware of the Duplet system. And I won't let you trick them into killing one of our numbers as well."

"Wait, what are you saying?" a confused Kotaro asked.

Skuld sighed. "There are several reasons why the ongoing conflict between gods and demons hasn't destroyed your reality yet. One of them being a truce of sorts reached amongst us after a standstill. To enforce it, the Duplet System was created. Basically, it means any time a demon is killed through violence, one of Heaven's denizens, their equivalent, will die as well, and viceversa. Granted, assuming this old man's age, his equivalent probably is my piano teacher. But I still won't let you risk any of my people."

Misora made a face. "I don't think any of what you have just said meshes in any way with the true Word of the Lord."

"It's just mystical babble to embellish some biological link between two related species of aliens," Satomi opined.

"Think whatever you want to!" Skuld threw her hands up. "Killing this old goat's still a no-no!"

"I should've known I would never manage it with you standing so close, Princess of Heaven," the Count smiled sadly, "but I still had to try, didn't I? After all, that's my nature. So, if you all will excuse me—"

Just as the lower half of his body began disappearing, it was forced to reappear as Shiho angrily slammed a paper seal covered with kanji on his face. "OOO-OOOWWWWW! Wh-What was that for—!"

"Urusai, urusai, urusai!" Shiho growled while slamming even more wards over him. "What, do you think we either have to kill you or let you go? What do you think this is, an angsty superhero movie starring Tobey Maguire? You're under arrest in the name of the Tatsumiya Shrine and the Mahora Magical Staff! This should hold you in place as long as you're weakened like that, until the Headmaster can seal you deep underground, y'old jerk!"

Kotaro blinked before looking at Negi. "Can they do that?"

"Well, Sukuna was even more powerful and they found a way," Negi reasoned, "but then again, that was—"

Shiho pulled on her pigtails as she faced them. "What were you guys going to do, to simply stand there watching him disappear because it'd be all dramatic and cool?! They might do that shit in New York or Gotham or Wales, but this is JAPAN! We have laws here! That are actually enforced!"

"She has no sense of dramatic coolness!" Haruhi barked at Minako and Akira. "What kind of practical but deadly boring partner did you girls get yourselves?! That's not how Mahou Shoujo are supposed to act! What next, guns?"

 _In the lower right corner of the screen, the ever-sexy Mrs. Akemi Homura held up a gun and smiled._

"I... I don't know how to react to that, really..." Venus confessed.

"Ouch, ouch. Hurts so much. All over. Ouch," the Count kept cringing, each ward sizzling slightly on his body.

"Ahhhh, just shaddap!" Shiho huffed, slamming a final ward right on his mouth.

Chisame sneezed. "Can we all go home now?"

* * *

"I suppose," the Black Rose Baron gravelly said, turning around and beginning to walk away, "that is my cue to leave. Farewell, Negi Springfield. We shall meet again. I must admit you have impressed me tonight."

"Wait!" Negi said. "You can't leave until we've talked... father!"

Most of those with him facefaulted violently.

"Your father is a woman?" Shiho asked, being one of those who weren't with their faces in the dirt at the moment.

"You're still going on about that?!" Kotaro was the first one to spring back to his feet. "Geez, Four-Eyes, get it already! That smells like a woman, sounds like a woman, is a woman! Haven't you spent long enough around them to know that yet?!"

"I met the Thousand Master personally," Itoshiki-sensei said while Asuna diligently broke his and Keiichi's bubble by poking at it with her sword, "and he didn't look like that at all! Although I'll admit there might be a faint familiar resemblance..."

The Baron coughed while discreetly adjusting 'his' mask on 'his' face. "A man can change a lot during ten years, Nozomu-kun. Not that I am admitting being that man, but—"

"See, he knows you!" Negi told Itoshiki. "And he was as angry at the demon as I was! It'd have to be someone who was at my village that night!"

"Which night and which village?" Haruhi asked, frowning.

"Please just put on some clothes already, Suzumiya-san," Itoshiki replied while taking his shirt off and offering it to her.

"Oh, so _now_ you complain," Haruhi grumbled, nonetheless pulling the shirt on while looking up and down Itoshiki's physique. "Wow, Sensei! I knew you were skinny, but _that_ much...?!"

"I've been attempting to starve myself to death of late!" the man explained.

Negi sighed, walking closer to the Baron. "Listen, please. Very well, maybe you aren't Nagi Springfield. Maybe I'm letting my hopes to blind me again. But then, who else could you be? Who else could look like you, speak so much like I remember my father speaking that night, and harbor such a hatred for that demon?"

"Your sister, perhaps?" Satomi asked. "Because now that I remember the photographs you showed us, if one were to Photoshock a mask over her features..."

"Of course not, Satomi-san!" Negi gasped. "Nekane would never do that to me!"

With 'his' back still on Negi, the Black Rose Baron visibly flinched for a moment.

"Because that'd mean she came all the way here without bothering to tell me first, which in turn would mean she not only doesn't trust me, but doesn't respect me enough to inform me either!" Negi kept on explaining.

The Baron flinched once more. The other members of Ala Alba and the SOS Brigade, and even the Sailor Senshi by this point, just kept on staring fixedly at 'him'.

With a hand on his chest, Negi firmly declared, "I know she wouldn't ever resort to subterfuge, lies, and preying on my psychological weaknesses to play tricks with my mind, even in the name of my own interests! Because Nekane is the most sincere and direct person I know, not meaning to slight any of those present..."

The Baron was doing full body violent trembling right now, all the while Negi ranted with his back to 'him' as well, and by now most of those present couldn't help but actually feeling bad for her.

"Well," Chisame eventually said, "at least now you're admitting you have issues. That's progress. I suppose."

"I, I, I must take my leave now! Those who live in mystery cannot reveal anything about themselves!" the Baron grandly said in a tone that tried valiantly not to sound about to break down in tears, right before somehow summoning a massive whirlwind of black petals and disappearing amidst it.

"Ah, you did it! Why?!" Negi cried, knees wobbling slightly, more in shock than any actual physical reeling. "What are your reasons to keep me in the dark like this?-! FATHER!-!-!"

"... idiot," Kotaro muttered.

"I'm sure you'll get him next time, Bro," the finally released Chamo amicably said, walking to Negi and patting him on the leg. Before any of the others could argue anything, he gave them such a viciously protective glare he actually cowered them into shutting up. He briefly considered whether he might ever make that work in any other context, but he supposed Matoi-san was correct when she implied such miracles only worked for The Power of Love. "Never mind what the others are saying, I know Nekane's smell like nobody else, and that wasn't Nekane's smell under all those layers of cheap cologne, not at all!"

"Chamo! You do understand!" Negi bawled, picking him up and hugging him.

The ermine tenderly patted one of his shoulders. "I do, my man, of course I do..."

"Okay, this wraps it up. Too bad about that hot guy leaving," Asuna said, breaking Setsuna's bubble just in time for Konoka to help the still tied up, gagged and unconcious girl to the ground, checking on her vitals carefully. "Is Setsuna-san all right?"

"Mmm-hmmm..." Konoka said, before perking up with a smile. "Oh! She's waking up now!"

"... Kono-chan?" Setsuna said, opening her eyes slowly. "Why aren't you naked anymore— I, I, I mean!" she gasped, bolting back up with a full blush, as if she hadn't been asleep only a moment ago. "It's not like I thought it was right for you to show up naked at my doorstep! I'm just saying, um, it puzzled me why you'd be clothed again all of a sudden...!"

Konoka smiled cattily. "Oh, Setchan! So it worked for you, too...!"

"Eh?" Setsuna babbled before her attention was caught by something else. "Just a moment, please! Where are we?! What is everyone doing here? Even THEM?!" she yelled, pointing lividly at the waving Haruhi, mortified Asahina and Madoka, and impassive Nagato. "And why are there THREE of you now?!" she demanded, her finger now pointing at the Sailor Senshi.

"Well, Setchan," Konoka patiently replied, "that has an easy and perfectly logical explanation..."

* * *

 _ **"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SLEPT THROUGH A WHOLE SITUATION WHERE OJOU-SAMA WAS IN DANGER AND EVERYONE BUT ME FOUGHT HER CAPTORS?!"**_

The scream that had just echoed through the whole campus, prompting most to just roll on their beds groaning about stupid pranksters messing with the speakers again, was met with a raised eyebrow from the tiny Shinso blonde standing on a large tree on a hill, overlooking the old house.

"Hrrgh," Evangeline grunted. "Sakurazaki's going to be even more of a neurotic annoyance from now on."

"I actually feel very sorry for her," said Chachamaru, standing by her side.

Kaede, standing at Chachamaru's other side, nodded sagely. "There is no greater wound than those of the heart, for they even can fell the gods, de gozaru."

"Where did you just come from?!" Evangeline screamed at her, startled. "Holy shit, this was really out of context, Nagase!"

* * *

"C-Come on now, Setsuna-san," Rito tried to comfort the distraught Sakurazaki, "I'm sure you only had a bout of bad luck tonight! I mean, look at yourself! You're always, um, so cool, and strong, and clever...!"

"Rito...!" Haruna cooed. "Are you coming on to Setsuna now? You little scoundrel, you!"

Konoka looked at her wand speculatively. "Hmm, how does that TV show go? 'Whatever the problem is, I'll solve it by burning it'?"

Yue sighed and gave a surprised Konoka a rare corrective bonk upside the head. "Lay off you, you know Rito-san's just being nice." She stuck a straw into her juice carton and began to drink.

Lala put a hand on her cheek. "I actually I'm not so sure about this yet, Rito," she confessed, since she was no Momo after all. "I mean, not like I'll protest if you really want to do it, but are you sure you want to expand when you haven't even kissed Yue yet?"

Yue sprayed the contents of her carton of black rutabaga juice before screaming, "The fact I'm engaged to you and he's engaged to you doesn't mean we're engaged to each other! I'm sure many cultures would agree that's a completely separate arrangement!"

"What, what she said!" Rito screamed in the same tone.

"Oh," Nodoka said quietly. "So you've now accepted you're engaged to her..." "

Wow, karma works fast tonight," Konoka commented, smiling and rubbing the back of her head.

Yue panicked even further. "W-W-Well, technically, I can't deny it on the grounds of alien technicalities, but that doesn't mean I won't keep looking for ways out of—!"

"Aaaaanyway!" Lala said before Yue could finish her sentence, and surely not because she didn't want to hear Yue saying she was looking for ways out of their engagement. "What Rito truly meant is he platonically and non-romantically admires Setsuna because she's so much stronger than he is, and he feels pathetic, weak and useless in comparison!"

"... since when are we close enough as to use yobisute on each other?" Setsuna blandly wondered.

"No!" Rito reacted to Lala's words, because that had become his instinctive response to Lala's words on general principle. Right after, however, he actually processed what he'd just heard and ammended, "I mean, yes! That's exactly what I meant! Thank you for FINALLY understanding, Lala! It wasn't that I liked Setsuna-san or anything! It was merely out of pity!"

Setsuna coughed. "Er, Yuuki-sempai, while I understand the sentiment you're trying to convey, you might want to rephrase that. You sounded like a tsundere."

"SYMPATHY! I MEANT SYMPATHY! Definitely not 'pity', or anything tsundere-like!"

"Well," Kotaro said, arms folded behind his neck, "it's not like you'd be wrong, either."

"I know," Rito slumped miserably. "Rub it in my face, why don't you? I know, I know, children like you and Negi-sensei are so much stronger than I ever could hope to be..." "

Sempai," Chisame grunted, "don't be stupid! That's just being normal, there's no shame on being far weaker than freaks of nature like these twerps! They're the abnormal ones! Just look at Morisato-sempai! I'm sure even you could beat him in a fistfight despite his Pactio, and do you see him angsting about it?"

"I have reached clarity of mind and peace of spirit by realizing I'll always be able to defeat any of you in a motorcycle race," Keiichi said, with perfect Zen stability. "Even Satomi-san, because even though she'll have a rocket-powered motorcycle, she can't drive worth a damn, pardon my language."

"But it's okay, I think I've just thought of a perfect way to increase Rito's power and fighting capacities without subjecting him to cybernetic augmentation, intensive drug treatments or exposure to dark matter energy waves, which for some reason he always refuses! Rito, let's make a Pactio!" Lala offered.

"Whaaaaaat?!" Rito cried.

"What's a Pactio?" Haruhi asked.

"Seriously, can't we just go home and worry about this inane stuff some other day?" Chisame complained. "It's almost dawn, I want a couple hours sleep before classes, I'm freezing my butt off, and most of you should be even worse since you were naked for hours..."

"A Pactio, huh?" Haruna rubbed her chin. "That's tempting, but I'm not sure Negi-kun would be up for the idea..."

"Sorry, but I'm definitely not!" Negi nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Haruna," Lala said, "I meant a Pactio between Rito and me."

"Oh, that's good too, I guess!" Haruna answered. "But would it even work? You aren't a mage or goddess, after all!"

"Is anyone listening to me?" Chisame cried. _"Hello?"_

"Eh," Skuld shrugged, "even if it's only to get Rito-san a Suka, there's a chance it'll work in his case as well. Devilukeans are, after all, distant descendants from actual Venusian demons, so there should be enough magical lineage in the blood of a pure Royal House member to at least generate a Suka, perhaps even more."

"But I don't wanna!" Rito protested. "Why would I ever want a dumb card that only will turn me into a helpless little animal!?"

"I like cuddling up to helpless little animals," Haruna shared.

Chamo opened his mouth into a wide grin.

"As long as they're cute," Haruna amended.

"But I _am_ cute!" Chamo whined.

Chisame's eyebrow twitched. "Hmm, should I use my newfound perfect invisibility for good or evil?"

Rito blinked, his nose twitched, his face changed colors several times, his eyes expanded and shrunk back and forth a few times, then stiffly turned back to face Lala, who had been watching the exchange with a curious expression on her face. "On second thought, if Haruna-chan wants it so much, who am I to disappoint her innocent, sweet hopes? What kind of man would I be then? I'm willing to try, I suppose."

Lala nodded and smiled."Alright!"

Skuld grimaced. "You're kind of a pitiable person with little knowledge of the term 'dignity'." Whether she was saying that to Rito or Lala was not clear, but no one bothered to ask.

"No, seriously, what's a Pactio?" Haruhi kept on asking, growing impatient while Chisame simply looked at her wristwatch and tapped her foot angrily.

Chamo pouted and turned around, folding his fore paws before his chest. "Well, I'm glad for you, but find yourselves another broker for that. I only arrange kisses, I mean provisional alliances, for my Aniki."

"Kisses?!" Haruhi's eyes shone like supernovas.

"But, those ermine dollars?" Haruna asked.

"Albert Chamomile's principles and his adhesion to the Bro Code are not to be broken over the meager payment from a Suka!" the ermine vehemently declared, in a tightly offended and wounded tone.

"So you *would* do it for the price of an average Pactio?" Skuld asked, frowning.

Chamo began gnawing on his lower lip frantically. "That... That question is moot in this context anyway! The gentleman _and_ the entrepreneur in me doesn't have to answer you!"

"Oh, come on!" Haruna protested. "I'm glad you're loyal to Negi-kun, but aren't you overdoing it now? It's not like you'd be betraying him! There's nothing going on between Lala-chi and him! What, do you think Negi-kun is entitled to every last woman on Earth and beyond?"

Chamo stared blankly at her, even while Negi just shook his head rapidly in abject horror. "I don't understand the question."

Haruna sweatdropped. "You're a very twisted little creature in need of help, and I don't say these things lightly. Fine, suit yourself! Sku-chaaaaan! You draw the circle, then!"

Skuld extended an open hand. "I want thrice the ermine's broker fee."

Haruna tossed her hands up and walked away. "I'll go bring Mesousa-san, guys. Lala-chi, hold Rito in the case he starts having second thoughts."

"Actually, now that you say it, maybe—" Rito dubiously said before Lala tightly grabbed him from behind.

"What? What a penny pincher!" Skuld protested. "You don't think a Pactio arranged by an actual goddess is worth that much more than one set up by a chain smoking weasel?! It's not like the Devilukes can't pay it!"

Haruna just waved back at her over her shoulder, without looking back. "Sorry, Sku-chan, but your valid points aren't going to get in the way of what my mother taught me about the value of money!"

"Ptooie," Kero, who had just stayed quiet watching during the exchange with interest from Yue's shoulder, waved a plush tiny paw at them. "Never mind, I'll do it then."

"You?" Chamo mockingly asked.

 _"You?!"_ Yue asked, frankly appalled and frankly paling.

"Look, if I bring them closer, there's a chance she'll grow further obsessed with him and forget about you, don't you think? Besides, I need more candy and videogames," he whispered into her ear before flying towards the interested Haruna. "I'll take just what you were going to pay the white rat, and I'm sure I'll do an even better job at it too! Master Clow taught me all there is to know about Provisional Alliances!"

"Then why haven't you pushed for one for Nodoka-neesan yet?!" Chamo demanded to know.

Kero smiled slyly to him. "Because unlike _some other people_ , I can respect my friends' wishes to be left alone, to grow up at their own pace."

"Buuuuuuurned!" Madoka, Misa and Sakurako chanted all at once while the word **'PWNED** ' fell from way above and crushed Chamo.

"W-Wait a minute, then why aren't you respecting MY wishes as well, since I'm after all also a—" Rito gulped while Kero pulled a tiny piece of chalk out of nowhere and expertly drew a glowing Pactio circle on the ground.

"Don't be silly, Rito-san, I said I respect my friends' wishes, I never said you were my friend," Kerberos reasonably argued as the circle was finished, Haruhi leaning closer to watch with vivacious interest while Mikuru whined in fear and tried to hide behind Madoka. "Now be a man and step inside, after that, all there's left to do is to—"

Lala already had walked into the circle, grabbed Rito by his undershirt (his shirt being already lent to Madoka for coverage in between scenes) and roughly pulled him to herself to hungrily claim his lips. The boy's nose exploded into a fountain of blood just as the circle also exploded into an overflow of silver light everywhere.

"Aaaaand PACTIOOOOOOOO!" Kero leapt up, stretching his paws wide open.

"So it's like magical prostitution, right?" a fascinated Haruhi asked, watching over the proceedings with the air of someone witnessing a miracle. Which in a way, it was.

Chamo grunted. "Only when he does it. When I do it, it's an artform!"

"Huh. Does this mean Chamo is our pimp?" Haruna mused.

Chisame sighed. "That's it, I've decided, I'm using my new invisibility to kill you all. Tsunetsuki, knife!"

"Right away, Chisame-sama!" Matoi declared happpily, reaching down to her thigh and pulling out a selection of knives. "Do you have a particular preference?"

"Tsunetsuki-san, stop encouraging her," Itoshiki said tiredly. "Chisame-san, either kill me or be quiet please."

* * *

"So," Kaede amusedly said, legs swinging back and forth as she sat on the long, thick branch's wood (in a completely non sexual way), "this is what a Pactio with an alien looks like, just like one with a mage, de gozaru."

"Yeah, pretty much," Evangeline indifferently said, standing by the binoculars-sporting kunoichi. "So, about what you were doing around here in the first place..."

"This one holds a humble training camp in the woods this one visits at least once per week, remember, Eva-dono?" Kaede answered, side smiling at her and Chachamaru. "As it just happens, said camp happens to be near this hill, so when this one was doing her habitual morning jog..."

" _Morning_ jog?!" Eva demanded, pointing up at the moon in the sky.

"For a nocturnal being, you sure aren't a morning person, Eva-dono," Nagase commented before putting on the binoculars again.

"What was that supposed to mean? That doesn't even make any sense, Nagase! Do you use these field trips to get yourself drunk away from your twins, or what?!"

"This one can't help it, they kept on stealing this one's sake otherwise, de gozaru."

"... God helps me, I don't know if you're joking or not anymore."

* * *

Rito squinted critically at the card he'd gotten, where his image was clad in a ridiculously old fashioned red and blue gardener's outfit, complete with thick boots, straw hat and loose overalls, and holding a watering can in a hand. It looked like some strange Dennis the Menace cosplay. Under his depiction, there were two footnotes in Latin reading as follows.

 _Yuuci Rito_

 _Fidelis Hortulanus_

"Don't get me wrong," he finally said. "I'm glad it wasn't a goofy card that will turn me into yet another small animal to be abused and stepped onto..."

"Hey," Kero said, sitting between Artemis and Chamo on the ground. "That only happens to the ermine!"

"Well," Artemis rasped awkwardly, "actually..."

"Oh, come on!" Venus told him. "I treat you well enough! I even let you peek!"

"Weirdo," Chisame muttered under her breath.

Chamo looked at Artemis. "You sure you don't want to trade one of these days, you know, just for one weekend or—"

"Buuuuut!" Rito raised his voice, struggling to ignore the rythmic sounds of 'Boing-Boing' from where Haruna and Lala hugged and jumped together in celebration, "What's this card supposed to do for me? How does a gardening set help me to get any stronger? I'm already a decent gardener, I don't see how that—"

"Enough of only thinking about yourself, I hate people who're like that, all me-me-me-me all the time!" Haruhi interrupted, pushing him aside before taking center stage. "Okay then, having just seen this much awesomeness, I can't let the SOS Brigade stay out of it! We demand one of these Pactios as well!"

"Show of hands of all those who saw this coming?" Chisame wondered, and pretty much everyone raised a hand, Makie and utterly mortified Negi included.

"Awesomeness? What's so awesome about getting a watering can?" Rito asked, slapping the back of one hand on his card. "I can get this just by walking into a decent grocery store!"

"Rito, don't diss the fruit of your passion with Lala-chi," Haruna chided him. "Besides, your watering can probably creates incredible plant beasts two stories high. Don't dismiss it until you've tried it!"

"Suzumiya-sempai," Ayaka firmly stepped towards Haruhi, "I must warn you, we won't allow you to kiss Negi-sensei and disturb his young, impressionable mind with your careless crudity. And I am sure all of his other Ministra Magi will agree with me on this!"

Every other Ministra of Negi nodded quickly then, even Haruna.

Haruhi gasped at Haruna. "You too?!"

Haruna rolled her eyes. "Who was the one offering to use me as a human shield because she didn't like perverts, again...?"

Haruhi chuckled. "Heh. That's a good one. I can't really argue with that, well done, mangaka. But no," she waved a hand at the girls, petulantly, "you don't think I want to stoop that low do you? Phooey!"

"Huh," Shiho observed. "Now this was unexpected."

"Stoop?!" an enraged Ayaka screamed.

"Yeah, I mean, let's be honest, he smells like he never bathes and his breath stinks of milk too," Haruhi pinched her nose while Negi sniffled at himself with concern and Kotaro and Asuna just nodded with closed eyes. "But mostly, I am a leader, the president and director of the supreme club of this academy. I cannot possibly humiliate myself by agreeing to be yet another underling of the leader of an inferior club such as yours."

While all of the Negi Ministra stared red burning daggers at her, Cocone and Konoka included, and Matoi outright sharpened a knife with a deranged expression, Haruhi kept on ranting carelessly, "When I inevitably gain awesome cosmic powers of my own to reshape reality at my whim, it'll be because of my own effort, not because I lowered myself to anyone, whether man, woman, or hygienically challenged brat!"

"In my defense, I've been sweaty after fighting for so long, that's all," Negi sheepishly explained.

Haruhi pointed at Kotaro. "He's some sort of dog, and yet he doesn't smell anywhere as bad as you!"

Nodoka gulped. "Sh-She's sort of got a point there, Negi-sensei..."

"Nodoka!" Haruna gasped. "You're playing for Team Kotaro now?!"

"Eh, eh, eh, eh eh...!" Nodoka blushed, pulling back and tightly hugging her Clow Staff. "N-No, I mean, I was just suggesting perhaps we should make sure Negi-sensei bathes a bit more regularly...!"

"Are you implying I do a bad job at it?!" Chisame protested.

"Are you saying you'd like to bath Negi?" Misa narrowed her eyes. "Or would you prefer doing it to the mutt instead?"

Nodoka shrunk back taking both hands to her head before Kotaro and Yue both swiftly moved between her and the other girls, scowling at them.

Haruhi interrupted the tensions by coughing and reminding them all they had a common enemy to join ranks against, namely her. "Don't ignore me with your inane disgressions, okay? At first they're funny, but they get old real fast. Anyway, while I'm obviously above becoming Sensei's latest trophy lover, that's still a measure of achievement high enough for a lower ranking member of the Brigade."

"Uwaaaaaa!" Mikuru whined in answer.

Haruhi smiled warm and benevolently at her. "Don't be silly, Mikuru-chan. I'd never dream of offering you _permanently_ as a bartering chip. That whole thing with the Computer Club? I never doubted we'd win! After all..." she purred dangerously, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, eyes eeming to burn orange for a moment, "... you're _**MINE**_."

"Eeeeeeeeeee!"

"Anyway," Haruhi said, releasing Mikuru for now, "I meant another member of our ranks. Itsuki probably wouldn't be against it, but I admit maybe that would be going too fast, too soon, so I will settle for setting a beachhead with someone better fitting the task..."

"Oh no," Madoka said, suddenly gripped by dread, "No, no, no no no no."

Haruhi smiled and pointed at her, "Kugimin! As someone with long term ties to this classroom and teacher, I choose you for the select job of being our mole within the English Research Society!"

"OBJECTION!" Haruna stormed closer, pointing just as dramatically at Haruhi. "Kugimin will never be your mole amongst us!"

Madoka gulped. "W-Well, thank you, Paru... I must admit I didn't see this coming from you of all people, but..."

"Kugimin will be OUR mole within YOUR pathetic Brigade!" Haruna announced. "

That's not how a mole works, you idiots!" Madoka shrieked. "The whole point of being a mole is no one knows you are!"

"I don't know, it's like being a spy, isn't it?" Makie asked. "And James Bond always goes around telling everyone 'I'm James Bond, Secret Agent Zero Zero Seven, with a license to kill'..."

"Misa, say something!" Madoka turned to her purple haired friend.

"... I'm actually okay with it," Misa shrugged.

"WHAT?!"

"Well, I didn't object to Sakurako doing it, and you're as much of a dear friend as she is, your horrible tastes in other people to associate with aside, so I'd be unfair if I protested to you now, don't you think? I'm okay with it if it's you," Misa smiled.

"That's not the kind of moving friendship I want right now!" Madoka all but wailed. "Chisame! Lay the law down!"

"Curses," Chisame said in a bland monotone. "My invisibility powers have left me." She sighed. "The sooner we're done with it, the sooner we're finally going home, right?"

"CHISAME!" Negi, Madoka and Ayaka cried at once. She resisted the urge to flip them the bird. "You've made me go through this like thirteen times by now, and now I'm supposed to be the Anti-Kissing Police? You didn't pay attention to my advice all those times, now I can save my wisdom for someone who will actually listen to it!"

Negi paled like a white sheet and sobbed a little, visibly rattled.

"Chisame, dear, I hate to break this to you," Yuuna said, "but that 'someone who wil actually listen to you' thing? We both know that's never going to happen..."

"I know, but let me dream, Akashi!" Chisame protested.

"I can and do listen to Chisame-sama!" added the stalker to never listened to any requests of 'Please leave me alone!' or 'Stop bugging my bedroom!'

"Vice Prez!" Madoka turned to Haruka. "You're the supreme official authority here!"

"I have become my mother," Haruka distantly said.

"I beg your pardon?!" Madoka said.

With the air of someone who has just found great enlightment, Haruka spoke slowly, "I used to despite my mother because she'd allow my father to constanously cheat on her with all manners of women. Probably even with Yukino's mother, now that I think about it, even if it's funny I never made the correction back then— or was that 'connection'? Anywise, now I see that's the proper fate for a woman of my lineage, to stand firm and proud as the storms of live batter her. My poor, poor mother, how often must have she wished to shatter someone's head with a spiked mace of her own, yet she stood for me and our family's sake, now I see what her real fortistrenght was, and I only can hope I can be half as—"

"Wow, she's in really bad shape," Asuna said. "She actually realized she used the wrong word for once."

"Jesus, VP, get professional help already!" Madoka threw her hands up. "Iinchou!"

Ayaka held a hand elegantly. "Don't concern yourself, Kugimiya-san. When everybody else fails, Yukihiro Ayaka will protect her classmate and teacher."

Madoka and Negi both sighed in great relief.

"Are you sure, Iinchou?" Makie asked. "Me, I don't think I have any problems with it..."

"Since when do you have any say in this?!" Ayaka shouted at her before coughing angrily at Haruhi. "Ahem. Sempai, your mad dreams of conquest and manipulation must stop here. I won't allow you to carry on with your delirious ambitions!"

"Wanna bet?" Haruhi challenged.

"I don't want to hear any snark from you, you—"

"No, no, I mean it literally," Haruhi said, switching back to Easygoing Mode. "I'm suggesting a simple, quick wager of honor between our clubs so we can go home early so Glasses-chan doesn't become a pumpkin. A one round match between our club and yours, and if we win, we get our mole in, if we lose, we go back home with our tails between our legs and never mention this again. That's fair, don't you think? After all, you guys are so strong and skilled, it should be a piece of cake for you, no matter what."

Ayaka blinked. "Well, that much is true, but we can't possibly wager on Negi-sensei, who is after all an independent human being with his own emotions and needs and..."

"Unless you guys are just afraid we'll kick your asses in anything, in which case we'll just understand and shake our heads at your cowardice while walking away," Haruhi shrugged, looking aside with indifference.

"They can't be dumb enough as to fall for that, can they?" Mars asked Venus and Mercury. Venus and, much to her chagrin, Mercury had to nod.

"Wow," Shiho said. "No wonder Oneesama is so bitter."

"WE ACCEPT!" Negi, Kotaro, Haruna, Misa, Chisame, Ayaka, Haruka, Asuna and Yuuna angrilyreplied , all confirming the Senshi's fears. To her credit, Setsuna just buried her head in her hands while mumbling to herself, Yue patting her shoulder and Konoka simply giggling in amusement.

"You don't have to accept it!" Negi turned on Kotaro. "You aren't even a member!"

The wolf boy raised his hands in apology. "Sorry. Force of habit."

"Alright then!" Haruhi chirped. "Since you're so awesome at everything and we're in a clear disadvantage no matter what, we'll get to choose the challenge! And the challenge is... arm wrestling!"

"Oh ho ho ho hoh! Piece of cake!" Ayaka said, advancing while rotating her right arm. "Prepare yourself to be crushed like every other enemy of the Yukihiro Zaibatsu, Suzumiya-sempai!"

"Che," Haruhi clucked her tongue dismissively, "haven't you learned anything about me yet? I can't lower myself to fight one on one against mere underlings." She snapped her fingers. "Yuki!"

With a wordless nod, Nagato quickly fell to her belly on the ground and readied her arm, blandly looking up at Ayaka.

Ayaka chuckled inwardly while descending to lay before Nagato, grabbing her hand and preparing herself. This would hardly be a fair contest, given she was using her Pactio and Nagato-sempai was a frail waif who spent her every waking up reading, but she'd make sure not to hurt her too much. The only thing she really wanted bruised tonight was Suzumiya-sempai's monstruous ego. So she cleaned her mind of all impure thoughts and put herself on The Zone, channeling her whole love for Negi-sensei and transmitting it into her vital points, until she felt her whole body surging with unmatchable energy. She heard the "GO!" from Chamo-san and pushed with all her might...

... and screamed in pain when Nagato, with the greatest ease, simply pushed her arm down into the dirt. "AIIIIIEEEEE!"

 _The sneer is gone from Iinchou's lip, her teeth are clenched in hate,_

 _She pounds with cruel violence her elbow upon the plate;_

 _And now the Yuki holds her arm, and now she lets it go,_

 _And now the air is shattered by the force of Iinchou's blow._

 _Oh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright,_

 _The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;_

 _And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,_

 _But there is no joy in Mahora—mighty Iinchou has struck out._

* * *

"Figures," Eva sneered as she looked through Kaede's binoculars. "Oh, Yukihiro, what will we do with you? I'm telling you, Nagase, don't let this go to your head, but by this point I think I'd rather have even you along than those idiots."

"Thank you, Eva-dono, but these still belong to this lowly one," Kaede said while gently taking the binoculars back and getting a new look in herself. "And besides, a shinobi's path is a lonely one, and frankly you surround yourself with too many people nowadays. Likable people all the same, but alas..."

"Don't give me that 'lonely path' crap, Nagase! I've been to your village! You can't throw a rock there without hitting a ninja, and most of them are as secretive as mad elephants and as lonely as the locust! Even that wangsty guy you have buried had an outlet and wifi installed so he could keep up on facebook and troll you all!"

"Is that an extended invitation for this one to join your ever growing army and probable harem, Eva-dono?"

"After this? Even if I ever had briefly entertained the insane intention, forget it now!"

* * *

Ayaka gave yet another aghast at her still aching, mostly unresponsive wrist and faintly said, "It can't be... The Power of True Love failed?"

"I'm shocked, disgusted and appalled," a livid, pale Matoi commented. "To think you were false in your love!"

"Just goes to show you there's no power that doesn't submit sooner or later to the might of the SOS Brigade!" Haruhi boasted, then grinned at Madoka and Negi, fists on her hips. "Okay, so enough with the stalling already! Kiss, kiss, kiss!"

"Everything ready over here!" Chamo happily said from the new circle he'd just drawn. "

We really should stop having anything to do with that guy," Artemis said to Kero. "He's clearly a bad influence."

"Yeah, " Kero said as he tried to get chalk dust out of his paws. "I feel kind of ashamed about this, now that it's done."

"Um, Sempai," Ako dubiously approached Haruhi, "since we've just seen Lala-sempai can supply Pactios just as fine, isn't it the same to you if Madoka-san does it with her instead of Negi-kun...?"

"Well," Haruhi doubted briefly, "you're right in that it's the same to me, but—"

"N-No!" Madoka gasped.

"See?" Haruhi shrugged. "Madoka prefers much younger men to other women!"

"Don't say it like that!" Madoka protested.

"Besides, sorry, but I'm just not interested either," Lala piped in. "I have nothing personal against this person with the baseball bat, but I've never been physically attracted to individuals with short gray hair. There's something about them that rubs me the wrong way."

"I'm sure someone should tell Ren about that someday," Rito muttered to himself, small sweatdrop attached to head.

Ako still insisted, "And what about Skuld-san? She's Makie and Morisato-sempai's Magistra, after all!"

"Whoever gave you the right to throw my name into this?!" Skuld objected.

"And, and Itoshiki-sensei?" Ako kept on stuttering. "I mean, he is also, and he, um, errr," Ako's gaze followed Haruhi's pointer finger, allowing her to see Despair-sensei currently hanging from a tree's branch. "Okay, so maybe he'd be a bad idea too. Shouldn't we be lowering him instead of worrying about kissing?"

"I'm sure I saw a ladder somewhere in there," Kotaro walked back into the manor, hands in his pockets. "I'll be back in a sec," he dryly promised.

In the meanwhile, Negi looked slowly, back and forth, between the stoic, indifferent and every petite Nagato and the sniffling Ayaka, still nursing her hand as Konoka healed it. "Kugimiya-san," he finally said, "could we please have a few words in private before deciding on anything?"

"Eh?" Chisame grunted.

"Oooooohhhh, Negi-kun...!" Sakurako teased.

"Please, this is serious!" Negi frowned, taking the still perplexed Madoka by a hand and quickly pulling her behind the tree with himself. "It'll only take a moment! Trust me and don't spy on us, please!"

The Ala Alba and the others simply stood there, more because of paralyzing confusion than because of any actual wish to obey. Finally, Satomi looked at Chisame. "What do you think he meant with that?"

"How should I know?! What do I know about the whims of the insane?!"

Behind the tree, Negi had placed his hands on Madoka's shoulders. "Kugimiya-san," he told her in a low, soft voice. "We don't have a lot of time, so please excuse me for being so direct. The SOS Brigade, there's a lot more about them than appears at first sight, isn't it?" Madoka sniffed a bit, then nodded. Negi sighed deeply, looked down, and then into her eyes. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Just ask me to, and I'll fly you away before they can stop us. I'll tell them it was my idea, and I'll make sure none of them can hold it against you."

She sighed as well. "Thank you, Negi-sensei, really. But I'm afraid it's not as easy as that."

"Are they forcing you to stay against your will?" he asked very seriously. "If they are, that's the exact kind of things a mage is supposed to help people against. Just tell me, and I'll do all there is in my power to free you. No strings attached. It doesn't matter what Chamo says either, I—"

She placed a finger on his mouth and shook her head. "You're wrong. Despite the appearances, if I remain in the Brigade it's because of my own will."

"But—"

"Watch," Madoka said, turning around and walking up to Haruhi. "Sempai, gotta do something for moment. Can you stand still?"

"Ugh, what now?" Haruhi demanded. "Well, what's taking so long?"

Madoka punched her in the face. As Haruhi reeled back, more surprised than hurt, Madoka turned and walked back to Negi, nodding at the double thumbs up Nagato gave her, an unheard of honor. "See," she said. "Not pressured at all."

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," Negi said. "I happened to be turning my head when whatever happened happened and didn't see a thing. Whatever it was."

Madoka smiled. "You're aware I like Kyon-sempai a lot, aren't you?"

Negi tilted his head thoughtfully. "W-Well, Misa-san has mentioned it a few times, yes, but—"

"But," she completed, "Kyon-sempai is... someone I just could never be with. Not because of anything he's done; he's a great, upstanding and trustworthy guy, and were things a bit different, I'd love to stay the whole course with him. But... it's very complicated, Negi-sensei. I'm going to need a lot of time to explain it to you."

"I'm not sure what do you mean..."

She smiled sadly and rubbed his cheeks with her thumbs. "Let's go. We're going to need this so I can have enough time for it."

"Well, about time," Chisame said, arms folded, as they finally walked back from behind the tree, hand on hand to support themselves on each other while Haruhi gave Madoka a very displeased look and Mikuru waffled around in a panic. Nagato gave Madoka another double thumbs up. "What? You doing it or not?"

Negi exhaled and, without a word, gracefully stepped on the glowing circle, as did Madoka, both of them moving as if flowing together into a dance step. Ayaka let out a short, loud choking sound as the circle's light erupted in full bloom, and Negi and Madoka moved towards each other, their lips clashing and making Chamo flutter around waving paper fans.

A few moments later, while Ayaka's mind slowly rebooted and her mouth began emitting tiny incoherent sounds again (Asuna-san was fanning her with concern, how mortifying), the other cheerleaders were huddling close to the awkwardly blushing Madoka, examining her new card with wide bright eyes.

"Oh, oh, it's so sexy...!" Sakurako cooed, hips wiggling slightly.

"It... It looks more risque than I'd expected..." Madoka raspily admitted.

The card showed a picture of her in a skimpy yellow bikini, wearing nothing but an open black leather jacket over it, a black leather cap on her head, her otherwise bare feet in thick sandals of platform soles. She held onto a massive mallet around her own size, and there were a ball and chain loosely wrapped around her left leg. Under the picture the card read:

 _Cujimija Madoca_

 _Munit haec et altera vincit_ "

Well, it can't be helped," Haruhi theorized. "After all, Kugimin kissed Sensei while wearing no underwear, hell, nothing but a loose shirt borrowed from a man. Of course her Pactio would be sexy!"

"Gah!" Madoka gulped.

"Oh, of course, that actually makes sense," Misa conceded, sharing wise nods with Sakurako. "We were all wearing far more clothing when we kissed him, so of course our outfits wouldn't be that kinky..."

"I wonder what would happen if a girl were to kiss him while naked?" Sakurako hummed.

"Please stop following that train of thought!" Negi demanded, then coughing into a fist, "Ahem! Kugimiya-san's Alliance would seem to provide her with a dual set of blunt instruments designed for raw physical attack, not too unlike Haruka-san's morningstar. Of course, their mere size would seem to imply the Pactio will supply her with the physical strength needed to lift and employ the Artifacts in the first place. Further analysis, however, will have to wait until our next session, where we can test her new abilities properly. That will be all, class dismissed."

Ignoring him altogether, Misa was asking Madoka, "So, I was right, huh? Great kisser or not, huh?"

"Well..." Madoka said, "I can't say it felt bad at all, no..."

"Glurgh," Misora, Ayaka, Chisame and Haruka said all at once, staring ominously.

"Class dismissed, I said," Negi repeated himself, straining his saintly patience.

"Ah, it look like my invisibility powers have been passed on," Chisame said blandly.

"So," Shiho was asking Mikuru, "basically, your whole club revolves about making this horrible person happy through satisfying her every passing whim, then?"

"Mmmm-hmmmm," a miserable looking Mikuru sniffled, shoulders drooping in exhaustion.

"Well, good job Madoka," Haruhi said, companionably putting around her shoulders. "Congratulations on your promotion to Mole! You definitely owe me one for this, and don't think I'll let you forget it." Haruhi's smiled became pointed. "Now, about my face… "

"I-it was necessary! It as a magic thing! Yes, it was a definitely necessary magic thing!"

"Alright, everyone, since we're in a streak tonight, anyone else up for it?" Chamo jubilously asked, waving his chalk high. "Nurse-neechan? Bookstore-neechan? Ayase-anego?"

"Gyeh!" Ako recoiled.

"Ah, ah, ah, ah...!" Nodoka stammered.

"Chamo-san," Yue dryly warned as Chisame's foot hovered right over him from behind, "perhaps you should learn how to quit while you're still ahead."

"Whaddya mean with that? C'me on, don't be shy, you know you want to—" And CRUNCH, he went, under Chisame's heel.

 _"CLASS DISMISSED!"_ Negi literally thundered, slamming his staff against the ground and making sparks fly into every direction.

Even Haruhi had to admit, right then, it was the time to call it a night at last.

* * *

 _Mundus Magicus:_

"There are far too many of them!" Nanami shouted as she kept on swinging with Derflinger at the avian hordes descending upon her, pecking and flapping all over her body, and most of them aiming for the face, annoyingly enough. "Hikaru! Do something already, curse you!"

"But, but they're only animals who don't know any better!" Shidou cried, trying to shield herself as best as she could with a plank of wood she'd picked up, almost as overwhelmed as Nanami was being right now.

"That doesn't matter!" Yukino said, while swinging with a stick into the flocks attacking her. "You've got magic, use it like Natsu-san is doing!"

"Fire Dragon's Iron Fist! Fire Dragon's Iron Fist!" a grinning Natsu shouted while swinging his fists wrapped in flames around, instantly turning any bird he would hit into an appetizing piece of KFC that dropped on the grass, where Happy would quickly snatch them up and usually stuff them up his mouth, running from one side to another, the better to miss as few pieces as he could. "Hey, Happy, leave something for me, will you?!"

"The problem isn't the birds themselves," Erza cold observed while her sword cut an angry, oddly circular red bird kamikazeing at her from above, "but they won't stop arriving no matter what. For each one we slay, thirty more will be summoned. We have to find the beastmaster immediately."

"Wah! My ostriches! My goats!" the farmer tried to run after his runaway animals, who had broken from their corrals in a sudden fit of collective anger and now madly stampeded all around the farm. "My sheep, even the turkeys! Do something already!"

"Uncaaaaa!" Beth waved from inside the farmhouse, waving at him from a window. "Just get in already an' leave that for them Guild members! You know your knee ain't the same after the— Ah!" she cried as she tried to shake off a tiny yellow speck that had begun pecking on her head. "Who let ya outta your cage, Tweety-Pie?!"

"For the love of God, man!" Nanami shouted at the farmer, "I know they're your animals, but you should start using that shotgun on them already!"

The farmer briefly paused, looked at her, held the archaic looking weapon up, and said, "But Ma'am, I already used the single one shot Betsy had!"

"Stupid fantasy backwater world!" Nanami decided.

"Just go inside with the girl, it's still safer than here," Gray said as he fared better than most, deploying large ice shields out of thin air to block the relentless hordes from the blackened skies. "I'll cover your retreat, so just go!"

Natsu scoffed at his rival. "What? And leaving all the fried chicken to you?" "

I wasn't including you in that invitation, asshole!"

"Nanami, let's do what he says!" Derflinger told his master. "I don't care about being in the middle of the battle, covered in blood and guts and constantly going into the bellies of soldiers, but right now, I'm all coated with bird shit! And that, I can't take!"

"Um, Erza?" Lucy stopped waving her Celestial Keys and looked up, even the really hot pink haired Meido she'd just summoned to fight alongside her briefly pausing in her own attack on the rampaging animals to follow her Mistress' gaze. "That'd be the beastmaster you were talking about, wouldn't he?"

The fighters all looked up as well, and saw a massive griffon creature with haughty cold blue eyes, the muscular body of an adult lion, the head of an American bald eagle, aloofly flying down, with a tiny caped figure, clad in regal poofy garments and a poofy hat that was just too big for his size, standing on its back, smirking arrogantly. "It's just a child," Hikaru gulped, while the griffon landed on its feet and roared, and the diminutive boy easily leaping off it and onto the grass. The animals respectfully stopped their rampage and paused where they had been, distributing themselves across the ground, only Happy sitting back chewing on some crispy crunchy delicatessen. Now everyone could see the boy had red hair, which escaped wildly from between the edges of his hat, to fall in thick bangs all over his face, obscuring all of his features but his unnerving smirk.

"Well done, Gilda. I knew you'd find them," the child warmly said, reaching up to scratch the throat of the griffon, which purred huskily and shook her tail. Then he faced the assembled fighters and mages, and asked, "Which ones of you are the Magic Knights summoned by Clef?" Natsu frowning while chewing on a bird leg and pointed with his thumb at Yukino, Hikaru and Nanami, all of whom had their skins crawling up. For that matter, a second later, Virgo, Erza, Happy and Gray all pointed at them as well. The three Knights shuddered even further, letting tiny shrieks out.

"I see. Thank you very much," the little boy nodded, then took a hand to his chest. "I'm Ascot, the Master of the Beasts. And I'm here to kill the three of you. Pleased to make your acquaintance!"

"Howdy, stranger!" Beth called out from the window, big headed canary now perched on her shoulder, and a tray with milk and cookies in her hands. "Looks like you come from quite a trip! Wanna step in an' enjoy some good ole Southern hospitality? This goat milk's all fresh!"

One of the goats standing guard around Ascot baa'ed angrily at her.

"Well, 'scuse me, Mary Jo! You never complained while I was feedin' you, now you were?!"

* * *

When Yami woke up, she found herself completely naked, floating in a stasis tube, surrounded by a crystalline life support liquid. She didn't ache anywhere despite remembering receiving a brutal beating from the eldest Deviluke Princess before falling into unconsciousness, and so she supposed she had spent quite a while in recovery. Still, it was strange to find such advanced medical technology in this backwater world. She doubted the Princess had cared enough to deliver her to her people, and then, Yami doubted she'd ever have woken up alive at all, much less with her wounds healed.

The highly advanced clinical room she was in was completely empty, the machines running their scans and security measures on their own. That was, of course, until a sliding door opened in silence, and a tall, busty woman with short brown hair strode in high heels, her hands in the pockets of her lab coat.

"Doctor Mikado," Yami recognized her, her voice carrying through the liquid and the crystal wall.

The adult nodded. "It's been a while, Golden Darkness. Or, I suppose I should be calling you 'Eve' instead?"

"Where am I?" Yami asked instead of answering.

"Still in Earth. Specifically, a secret underground chamber the Men In Black arranged in an agreement with the Mahora management for such circumstances. I don't want to tell you this, but you're in deep trouble this time, Eve."

"Will I be deported?"

"Most likely, and then you'll have to undergo trial for the murder of the Chancellor," Mikado seriously said.

"I was set up."

"I'm sure you were. But I'm not the one you have to convince."

"And I suppose you can't do anything for me, either."

"I will pray for you," Mikado sincerely replied.

"I thought you were an atheist."

"Me? What ever gave you that impression? Your mother is the atheist. I have seen enough to believe there are things out there that are far too great for our understanding. Doesn't mean we ever should stop trying to grasp them, of course."

Yami nodded slowly, then said, "Thank you all the same, Doctor."

"Yami," Mikado said, lightly touching the tube's surface with a hand. "Keep having faith. I'm sure you'll come through again."

"Yes. Please have a good day," Yami replied, and soon enough Mikado was gone.

Yami remained alone with her thoughts, until her sharp senses noticed a very brief blip in the surveillance equipment surrounding her tube. And then someone else walked in, and the cameras were not showing her image, as she walked over to stand before the tube, with her arms folded behind her back. 'Chao Bao Zi', it read on the white apron that person was wearing over her skirt and leggings.

"I have an offer for you," the person said.

"Let's hear it," Yami calmly said back, for she truly had nothing to lose.

"Just sit tight there for a little while longer. They won't be sending anyone for you just yet. They won't risk having outsiders visiting during the Festival that is about to unfold."

"I was unaware there was going to be a Festival around these premises," Yami confessed. "Is it that important, as to stall the arrival of the Galaxy Police?"

"You didn't know?" the person feigned surprise. "Oh my, that won't do! Here, a ticket for you!" she grinned, producing a ticket for three days out and holding it up. "You'll be one of my guests of honor," she decided, "although I hope you won't mind if I release you a short while into the celebrations. But you're a patient one, aren't you?"

"What do you want me to do for you?" Yami went directly for the point, for she was growing tired of this person's pointless playfulness. She was starting to remind her of Saotome Haruna, even.

"I only want you to run some interference, that's all. Tell me," she asked, "you still take jobs while wearing thematic outfits?"

"Grrrrrr..."

"Subject to your approval beforehand, of course."

"I'm listening."

* * *

Mikado Ryoko carefully locked the front door of her old, large house, a manor rumored to be haunted for a long while, before heading over to take a long, warm shower that would take a long panel time heavily focused on the magnificent curves of her full buttocks and enticing chest were this a graphic medium.

Finally, she walked out of it, rubbing herself while a towel and tossing a pink robe over her shoulders before marching out of the bath. Not bothering to tie the robe closed, she made her way to her phone, which didn't really look any different from any normal Earth phone, and sat down, deciding she shouldn't stall this anymore. It wasn't like she fully wanted to do it, but she understood it was her duty, both from a moral viewpoint and from that of a promise of honor. She dialed a complex, impossibly long sequence of numbers and steeled her nerves before hearing the voice at the other end of the long distance line.

"Tearju," she started her message with her listener's real name, to stress the seriousness of the subject from the get-go. "It's me. I've just found Eve. You'd better come for her before they do."

* * *

 **To be Continued.**

 **Next: Ghosts of the Past.**

* * *

"Baka Rangers," Negi pleasantly said as the final echoes of the bells rang across the campus, "I'm glad to tell you your grades have improved enough lately, so it won't be necessary for you to stay after hours today."

"Yayyyy!" Ku Fei cheered, throwing her hands up.

"You're the best, Negi-kun!" Makie added, resisting the urge to leap and give him a big sloppy kiss on the cheek.

"We're free, free free free oh yes, wonderful freedom!" Asuna joyfully ran out past a frowning Ayaka.

"Asuna-san! No running in the halls, or else!" the blonde called out.

"Don't let that drop your attention from your studies," Negi warned them strictly before gesturing towards two other students about to leave. "Please, Tatsumiya-san, Ookuchi-san, don't leave just yet. There's something I must discuss with you." "

Eh?" Chisame said, almost as confused as Mana and Akira were. "And why the two of them?"

A while later, Mana bitterly mumbled while writing _I won't hide I'm half demon from my teacher_ over and over again, on her side of the blackboard. "I fail to see the need for this humiliation, Sensei. I'm fairly certain this is racial discrimination."

"Some things are just too important to keep from your homeroom teacher, Tatsumiya-san," Negi politely explained while grading the day's tests.

"But," Akira objected from where she was writing _I won't hide I'm a Magical Girl from my teacher_ on her own side, "weren't you hiding so many secrets from us as well...?"

"That's different, because I'm the teacher," Negi matter-of-factly replied. "And you got off easy compared to Evangeline-san. Did you think all of her attitude towards me comes from what my father did?"

Sitting on the branch of a tree right outside the window, and right out of Negi's field of view, Rainyday listened and silently sweatdropped while feeding the birds under the afternoon sun...


	6. Lesson 5

_Mahou Sensei Negima!_ was created and is owned by Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.

We make no money from the creation of this work of fanfiction.

* * *

The woman was not used to visiting bars, and it showed. She kept on shuddering under the dim lights of the seedy place, hugging her upper torso and cringing at the dirty looks and occasional valrek (a kind of four-legged land predator known for pack tactics and inexplicably taking in abandoned young of sentient bipeds to raise as their own. They are found in many planets in the universe because of an ancient warlord who loved hunting valrek and seeded many worlds with them so he could hunt them anywhere and in different environments. This all went well until he discovered that the light of a pink sun gave them god-like superpowers. Fortunately for the rest of the universe, the sun turned green the next day, and no one ever found out) whistles and nyan calls (a popular sexual mating call from the Ctarl-Ctarl sector) the patrons shot at her from the nearby tables.

She was gorgeous, tall and shapely and young and golden blond, with a hourglass figure in a fine gray suit, complete with black tie and high heeled shoes, making her stand out even more in the dingy environment of Al's Dinner and Drink Emporium. Even the waitress had her eyes set on her in a way that she didn't like, although far differently than those of the unkempt, smelly men surrounding her from all sides. The waitress' gaze, instead, was cold and calculating, a sneer on the verge of twitching on her lips.

"Relax, that's just Arlene. I think she's sweet on me," the gruff voice of the large, muscular male at the other end of her table said, a moment before he took the huge cigar out of his mouth and spat a heart shaped cloud that briefly turned into a skull with crossbones before dissipating. "She ain't into girls, Babe, stop being so scared. I should know. She turned me off when I asked her t' make out with another chick fer me. Haw!"

"Screw you, Lobo," the waitress snarled at him before storming back into the kitchen, shaking her head all the way.

"And," the grinning man, as pale as Death but much more unlikable leaned over the table, his bushy black eyebrow twitching suggestively for the blonde, "you don't hafta be afriad o' these wimps either. They all know, th' second they mess with a customer of the Main Man... or one of his women, that's the moment they're frickin' fragged!" He slammed his gigantic fist on the table, making the blonde shriek, and shouted, "AIN'T THAT RIGHT, DUDES?!"

"Y-Yeah, Lobo!"

"Of course we wouldn't, ever, Lobo!"

"Whatever you say, Main Man, you rule!"

"Superman rocks, you loser!"

Lobo drew a gun and nonchalantly shot that last guy, making the woman jump. "See?" the hairy, towering killer for hire grinned nastily, leaning back on his chair and inhaling again from his cigar. "Talk as much as ya want, Babe. None of these dweebs gonna squeal to the coppers and ring slingers. They know Apokolips is nuthin' compared to what the Main Man does to squeelers."

"I, I, I know, too," the woman sheepishly said, lowering her gaze, then nervously pushing her sliding glasses back up her tiny nose. "Um, I don't want anyone killed off, really."

Lobo grunted, then poked a thumb towards the door. "Th' Grl Scouts' headquarters are down the street, lady. Wait, no, I fragged 'em last week, cum ta think about it. Their fault, those cookies were really crappy."

The blonde shuddered in terror but composed herself back as best as she could, stammering, "I, I, I just wanted to hire your services as an escort... of sorts... for a rescue mission."

"Oh, I get it. That, I can do, as long as ya don't wanna tell me I can't frag any dweebs who get in my way. I really hate it when they try ta pull that on me."

She swallowed hard. "I'd prefer it if... th-there was as little violence as possible. You know, to, ah, avoid unwise confrontations with the local authorities. Just, just, a merely pragmatic thing. Of sorts."

He studied her with mild contempt, scary red eyes narrowed, until he chose to just stare at her chest instead, and he shrugged. "Meh. I've had worse milk runs, I guess. I think I can understand if a chick wants to avoid hassles with the cops, some of those guys are poozers. Not all men can be as gentlemannish as the Main Man," he chuckled, scratching his in the crotch. "Okay, spill it, skirt, where to? And who's the one needin' a white knight in black leather?"

"I, I think you know her already, that's also why I've contacted you specifically, sir. It's the Golden Darkness."

"Goldie?!" He blinked several times in great surprise and then slammed a hand on his knee, laughing hysterically. "Of course, you musta be Goldie's mom! No wonder I thought yer smell was familiar! Hmmmm, damn fine lookin' for a mother, too..." He made eyes at her again. "Just like your kiddo..."

She finally gathered enough courage as to pout at him. Still rather cutely, but in a way that made clear she wasn't finding this funny or being fully cowed anymore.

"Although I gotta say she's far more of a spitfire," the big-ass biker shrugged, biting on his cigar. "So she finally turned up after the whole Juraian mess, huh. Where?"

"An, an unadministered world, one few have visited... yourself included, that's yet another reason why I called you. The locals call it Earth, I believe."

There were gasps of horror and disgust at that, along with a few screams.

"Earth!" the killer said. "Yeah, been there a couple times. That's where the Kryptonian sissy lives. Huh, maybe I should pay him another visit after I'm done there. I wonder if his lady's still that fine lookin'..." He grinned lecherously to himself, briefly lost in unprintable thoughts.

"Then, then you will do it?"

"Sure, why not? Gonna be fun meetin' up with Goldie again, in any case. It's always great to make her squirm and slam axes on my head. Awright, Babe, we're good ta go. Shake it?" he chuckled, extending a huge hand gloved in black to her.

Tearju Lunatique doubted, trembling from head to toe, before extending her own delicate, small hand over, and then having it enveloped by the gigantic one shaking it so hard, for a moment she thought she'd lose everything from the wrist down, crushed in his grip.

"So, are you single?" he asked.

* * *

 **Magic is what you want it to be.**

 **By OverMaster and Shadow Crystal Mage.**

 **Lesson Five.**

 **Ghosts of the Past.**

* * *

"Ah, welcome, Negi-sensei," Komori Kiri said, looking up from the small stove where she was cooking her dinner, set at a corner of Class 3-F's homeroom. As usual, the pale classroom hikikomori was barefoot and wearing and old, comfortable set of loose pink blouse and black biking shorts, a blanket thrown around her shoulders for further protection from the outer world. Her tone was bright and kind as she regarded him, but immediately turned wary and apprehensive after seeing the two 3-A students and the brown skinned elementary girl coming in after the boy. "And, ah, welcome as well, I suppose, um—"

"Yukihiro Ayaka," the blond girl bowed elegantly, "and these are Kasuga Misora and Cocone Fatima Rosa. Sorry to disturb you, Komori-sempai, but we are here for Aisaka-san."

"Ah, Iinchou, Misora-san!" the tiny white haired doll sitting nearby on the floor by a tiny toy tea set complete with table, chirped happily, while a similar doll, but with black hair and wearing a kimono, looked up at the newcomers with growing confusion. "I'm glad you've come to visit!"

Ayaka bowed to her as well. "I apologize over the recent lack of contact, Aisaka-san. My duties have kept me rather busy of late, but please be assured I've always been thinking of you."

"Don't worry, it's all okay!" Sayo waved a diminutive plush hand at her, which didn't even have any fingers and looked more like a finger or flipper peeking out a sleeve. Perhaps some kind of sock puppet? "Oh, I don't think you've met Oshizu-chan yet, have you? This is my new friend Murasame Oshizu, and she's another ghost helping me overcome my fear of ghosts!"

"Um, hello, it is my pleasure..." the other doll swallowed, struggling to be suitably polite and respectful, but only managing to stumble forward and drop on her face on the floor, arm stubs flailing.

 _Somewhere on camps, Yuuki Rito sneezed, though he wasn't the only one._

"Please allow me," Negi crouched down to sit Oshizu back up. "Wow, Sayo-san. When Komori-san called me to tell me they'd found new bodies for you, I never thought they'd be this cute!"

The Sayo doll blushed, then giggled clumsily, the end of one stubby arm on her cheek. "Tee-hee, oh, Negi-sensei! P-Please don't say those things! Ah, Urahara-san is to be thanked for these. W-Well, he and Kuchiki-sempai, um, I mean—"

Negi nodded slowly, getting back up as he picked her along in his careful hands. "I understand, they have their secrets and you're keeping them, I'm sure you have your reasons. Don't feel pressured to tell me anything just yet about their secret whatever."

"Wow," Misora mumbled to Ayaka, "this sure is a big change from how he reacted to Akira and Mana, isn't it?"

Ayaka frowned and discreetly elbowed her in the ribs.

"Are they your partners in being a medium, Negi-sensei?" Komori asked, regarding the three other girls curiously.

Negi nodded. "Mmm-hmmm. They've become rather skilled, ah, assistant mediums as well. They'll be coming along with us tonight."

"Tonight? You hadn't mentioned anything about leaving tonight, Sayo-chan," the other doll asked.

"S-Sorry about that, Oshizu-chan!" Sayo said. "I was just asked earlier today, before classes at my classroom! And, and I didn't know how to tell you about it, so..."

"Murasame-san can come along as well, if she wants to," Negi friendly said. "And Komori-san too, naturally..."

"Sorry, Sensei, but you know I just can't leave this classroom or I'll die," Kiri said, and sounding rather convinced of it.

"Oh, now I remember, silly me," Negi agreed, playing along. He'd known she'd refuse him from the start, of course, being a bit more of a bastard than he'd ever began to suspect. "Well, I hope that can be changed someday. I promise we'll bring Aisaka-san and Murasame-san back before it's too late."

* * *

"Well, that was awkward," Misora decided as the six of them left the dreaded classroom behind.

"That's one way to put it, I suppose," Negi said, walking along next to her through the now deserted halls of the main building. In his arms he tenderly held both dolls possessed by ghosts. "I've always hated having to lie to students, even if they aren't my own..."

"Eh?" the Oshizu doll asked. "What do you mean? You, you aren't going to try anything weird with us, are you? Ah, is this the thing they call a night raid?"

"Of course not, Murasame-san," Negi easily said, fully missing on the implications of Oshizu's fearful tone. "I meant I've lied to Komori-san for months, since this whole time she's believed Itoshiki-sensei and I are mediums."

"But you are, aren't you?" a confused Oshizu questioned. "Otherwise, how could have you ever met Sayo-chan in the first place?"

"That's because I'm a mage," Negi explained. "But we can't let people know we are, or else we're punished by our superiors and turned into ermines. Though recently I'm beginning to suspect that the ermine thing is just something they tell us to make us behave, like saying things will go on your permanent record. Anyway, that's why, when we are found out, we usually have to wipe the memories of those who found our secrets out. But I don't like that, so I either recruit them as my partners or fabricate stories, the kind the Magical Associations allow us to use as covers when there are no alternatives. The best course of action is never letting others know about your powers, but in a pinch, you always can explain them by saying you're a medium, or a mutant, or you were bitten by a radioactive animal, or are filming a movie, or that it was all just CGI. Or you can pretend to be a charlatan and faking your magic as just an obvious scam you're trying to actually pass around."

"Wow! A mage! That, that's just incredible!" wondered the centuries old ghost inhabiting a magical doll crafted by a former Soul Reaper. "Wait, can't you also pretend to be youkai or, what did Komori-san call it? Aliens?"

"No, because the youkai communities get annoyed when we foist things off on them. And while then the other mages won't act on you, the Men in Black will," Negi kept on explaining. "And they have more paperwork than we do, so it's really hard on your hand. Best to just look like a conman."

"Huh," Oshizu said. "You know, I'd have thought being a medium is just as magical as being a mage."

"Of course not, there are many differences, it's not the same thing at all," Misora intervened, sort of smugly. "Most mages will feel offended if you call the 'mediums', and vice-versa, but what do mediums know, they kinda suck..."

"Misora-san..." Negi blandly chided.

"I mean, at least shamans are quite cool and powerful," Misora reasoned. "I can get being afraid of a shaman, they're badasses. And sorcerers are pretty badass, and if you're Supreme no one can touch you. Aes Sedai are really scary but kinda cool, and though magi are pretty fucked up in the head, everyone knows not to mess with them. Because they're crazy people. But a medium is just a non-fighter who sits around listening to the dead when they feel like talking to them. That's no talent, that's just a birth defect. Can you imagine listening to ghosts all day lo— umm, I mean, just hearing voices all day long without being able to block them out, that's gotta suck no matter who the voices belong to, ghosts or not, not that I have anything at all against ghosts, of course..." she gulped while both dolls quietly, ominously glared at her with their tiny button eyes.

Ayaka coughed softly to save her classmate from her own mouth again. "We trust you with this secret, Murasame-san, because there's no law in the annals of magic against sharing that information with the spirits of the departed, as Negi-sensei has helpfully informed us. We hope you'll understand that is information that can be shared with other disembodied souls, but never with the living, and that includes Komori-sempai."

"Though you probably shouldn't share this in any case," Negi said, "there's a whole multi-disciplinary branch of magic called Necromancy, made for forcing information out of the spirits of the dead."

"Post-Morten Communications," Misora corrected.

Negi blinked. "No, it's Necroma-"

"Post-Mortem Communications!" Misora insisted. "Really, Negi-sensei, I didn't expect you of all people to be so un-PC."

"But, I'd trust Komori-san with my life!" Oshizu protested.

There was a tiny beat, after which Sayo lightly bopped the back of Oshizu's head with an arm. "Eh, he, he, yes, sorry, that was dumb of me..." Oshizu giggled in red-faced embarrassment.

"That's quite an ingenious design," Cocone quietly observed. "I doubt Chachazero-san could blush even if she had the capacity to feel affection, regret or shame over anything."

"Anyway, where are you taking us, Sensei?" Oshizu asked.

Sayo smiled proudly, minuscule chest puffing up. "Sensei's found the ancestral home of my family! And now he'll take me over to claim my rightful heritage!"

* * *

"I don't want my rightful heritage!" Sayo whined as she hugged Negi's breast pocket, trying to hide her head within it. Anything to stop looking at the sinister ruin of a manor under the full moon barely standing before them, past the river. The same house where, two nights ago, Negi and his comrades had gone through to fight Count Graff Wilhelm and his forces. "It's so scary! And ugly! Take me back, Sensei, I can't stand looking at that!"

"Now, now, Aisaka-san," Negi requested, "all it needs is a few layers of paint, and some minor fixes, and... ah... well, it's your birthright, you shouldn't be afraid of it! And Murasame-san isn't afraid either, right, Murasame-san?"

"Uwa, uwa, uwa, uwa!" Oshizu sobbed, hugging her upper body and trembling madly, eyes fixed on the macabre structure. "Your house is truly horrible, Sayo-chan!"

"I told you we should've burned it down," Misora told Negi.

"Don't start with that again, please!" Negi told her.

"When there's a problem, I'll solve it by burning it down!" Misora quoted, raising a pointer finger.

"In the name of God, at least wait until Aisaka-san gets a good look and decides it on her own!" Negi countered. "Besides, Chachamaru-san and Satomi-san are still inside!"

"You're right," Misora nodded. "It's not like we left Suzumiya-sempai in there, or anything."

"Misora-san, please!"

* * *

"But… but this house is a ruin!" Oshizu said while beholding the almost collapsing ceiling of the hall they were at now, while Sayo still only clung stubbornly to Negi's chest, sniffling and trembling in fear of the darkness that reigned around them, despite the twin lights shining from Chachamaru's antennae and giving them enough visibility as to see exactly how wrecked the place was. "It'll fall on us at any moment! What if we die?!"

Satomi, Chachamaru, Sayo, Negi, Misora, Cocone and Ayaka all looked at her in silence, and Oshizu lowered her head again. "Sorry. I don't know why I keep doing this."

"The structure isn't in immediate risk of any further collapse," Chachamaru said, giving it another checkup with her faintly glowing green eyes, "but it needs urgent reinforcing if it is to be used for the Festival. We're going to be racing against the clock, and Skuld-san already warned us she won't be available for this. Do you calculate it can be done, Negi-sensei? Mother?"

Satomi, who like the rest of them all, even the dolls, was wearing a metallic helmet labeled 'Safety First!', smirked smugly, fists on her hips. "Of course it can, Chachamaru. All we need is Aisaka-san's approval to start working on the preliminaries immediately."

Sayo sulked, looking down. "I can't even remember this place, much less bring myself to think of it as mine. You're free to do whatever you want with it."

"However, there's an extra hurdle that was brought to my attention while you were away, Sensei," the gynoid warned. "Hasegawa-san's online legal search showed there might be other descendants of the Aisaka bloodline that once resided here."

"W-What?!" Sayo gasped, looking back up, and seeming rather startled.

"I figured that much, after what the Slime Sisters explained about this house," Negi said with a paused nod. "I didn't know for sure if they were lying or not, but it seems they were honest after all."

"Does that mean... I still have relatives elsewhere?" Sayo gulped.

"That's great, Sayo-chan!" Oshizu cheered for her.

"B-But then... why haven't they looked after our house?" Sayo hesitated. "Where are they—"

"Hasegawa-san's message mentioned one Aisaka Taiga-san currently studying at CLAMP Gakuen," Chachamaru explained. "Her father, the other living blood descendant she could find data on, seems to be currently out of the country. Do you think she should be contacted in his place?"

"In my opinion," Negi gently said, two of his fingers stroking Sayo's hair carefully, "one shouldn't miss any chance one has to keep in contact with the family, but ultimately the decision falls only on Sayo-san. However, legally, we shouldn't be using the manor without the approval of a living descendant."

"A family..." Sayo distantly mused, pondering the almost alien concept carefully. "Oh, oh dear, I don't know, I need some time to think it over...!"

"Okay, that's entirely reasonable," Negi smiled at her as he held her in both hands. "Don't feel pressured, why don't you come with us for a while to relax and think it over?"

"You're taking them to the resort?" Satomi dubiously asked. "Do you think Evangeline-san will approve?"

"It's not like they'll take up a lot of room, right?" Negi cluelessly asked.

"It's not about that, Negi-kun, it's about the principle of the thing," Misora threw her hands up. "You know Eva's cranky as hell over all that's happened recently, do you think bringing even more people in will improve her mood?"

"Maybe we can just smuggle them into our pockets without the Master ever learning?" Negi hopefully asked.

"Are you aware I am recording every second of this conversation as it happens, Negi-sensei?" Chachamaru politely asked him.

"Of course I am, but I'm also aware you're fully independent now, you don't have to—" he reasoned.

"You're right," she said, "I don't have to, but I still am against the idea of hiding visitors in her own home. I owe her that much, Sensei, and frankly, so do you."

Negi sighed sadly. "That's completely right, Chachamaru, and I'm sorry. It's just, well, Sayo-san and Murasame-san have been alone for so long, I just want them to experience having a large circle of friends again..."

"Um, we promised we'd be back with Kiri-chan before long anyway," Oshizu said. "I'm very thankful for your interest, Sensei, but..."

"Oh, _that_ wouldn't be an issue, time works much differently within the Master's home," the boy replied. He straightened himself all the way. "You know what, I'll give it a try anyway. You two deserve it, and I'm sure, if I present your case to Master in a way that appeals to her sensibilities, she won't have any real problems with accepting your presence in her—"

* * *

"ARE YOU INSANELY STUPID OR STUPIDLY INSANE, BOYA?!" Evangeline screamed at the top of her lungs. "ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, NOW YOU'RE BRINGING MOE-MOE POLTERGEIST INTO MY RESORT?! WHAT'S NEXT, CIRCUS GIRAFFES?! MIDDLE AGED FRENCH MIMES?! FIFTY SHADES FANS?!"

"... is she like this all the time?" a scared Oshizu, in the terrified Negi's right breast pocket, asked Sayo, who was in his left one.

Sayo, visibly intimidated herself, shook her head. "N-N-No, in class she usually won't even say a word...!"

* * *

Fujino Shizuru and Suzushiro Haruka had never liked each other.

Since their early childhood, they had found themselves at odds with each other frequently since their families shared the same lofty social circles (so lofty one needed to bring ones own air supply, which is just slightly below the social circles of people like Daidouji Tomoyo, Bruce Wayne and Lex Luthor where you needed a space suit), and had eventually enrolled them in the same Academy, with instructions to never be overshadowed by the other. Their relationship had come to mirror that of their respective fathers, but it was never as mutually abrasive as that, or as physically violent as the rivalry between Kagurazaka and Yukihiro. For one, Fujino had become much more skilled than any of the others mentioned in this paragraph at evading direct confrontation; while her father would never back away from open conflict with Mr. Suzushiro, his daughter was a black belt in Politeness Aikido, subtle enough to strike at Haruka's weak points by making herself more popular and charismatic, the kind of affable lady who would never need to sully her image with the kind of hot headed altercations Haruka favored.

They had found some sort of strange symbiosis born from a long standing Cold War, with their respective faults replacing the threat of mutual nuclear annihilation; Shizuru was not, despite appearances, any sort of skilled administrator, and left to her own devices, she'd have hopelessly sunk the Student Council before long, and would have likely driven them to det if they were an actual government institution. But she had the gift of manipulating masses without them ever realizing they were being used, or rather, gently directed into achieving Shizuru's goals for herself. She had a gorgeous face and a smooth voice oozing Kyoto-accented honey, able to charm anyone but Haruka.

Yes, we realize she sounds a lot like Hitler, except for the whole 'gorgeous face' part. That was not our intention.

Haruka herself was attractive physically, no one would deny that, but her firm, direct personality tended to turn off all but those who knew her very closely. Once you got to know her well, she'd earn your undying love (like in Yukino's case) or at least your begrudging respect (like with most of Ala Alba). But most often, you wouldn't let her get that close, and she was too proud to try and gain you over with sweet words and melodious promises. That wasn't the kind of person she was.

Yes, she was basically a movie-Yakuza boss.

Still, Haruka, unlike Shizuru, was a competent hands-on-woman, the kind of person who could get things done, who could push the potential out of others through hard work and no-nonsense attitude, the kind that made lesser people want to jump out of windows on the second floor just to get away from them because the fall couldn't be _that_ bad. Haruka would never win an election, but Shizuru would never be able to capitalize on the results of any election she won without someone like her by her side.

So they didn't like each other, not even now, after all these years together. Kagurazaka and Yukihiro actually did like—love, even—each other despite all of their protests on the contrary. Shizuru and Haruka just didn't click together beyond the mere necessities, as in-synch as Hitler and a yakuza boss would be.

Right now, they needed to squeeze each others' hand. So they did.

They faced the gigantic, larger than life entrance to Honnouji Academy, the feared Black School of the Four Schools District, which waited at the end of a long, narrow pathway over a deep, terrifying abyss even more intimidating than the one at Evangeline's resort. The limo driver had left them here as per his orders and quickly burned rubber out of there, all too glad to head back to proper civilization, where the sun shone brighter without all of the gray clouds hovering over the mammoth city-academy of impossibly high walls and fences.

They walked together hand in hand along that dizzying corridor, strong winds blowing over them as if threatening to push them over the edge. This was not the sort of wind that was trying to flip up their skirt to get a look at the goods, a playful Mahora wind. This was a serious, intimidating Honnouji wind, the kind of wind that called tornadoes weak-assed sissies who lived in a soft country and was becoming obese from lack of exercise.

Normally, Haruka would have briefly indulged herself in the fantasy of pushing Shizuru over the side, but right now she only squeezed her hand harder. Partly because she knew it'd cause her pain, but mostly because not even Fujino deserved even the shortest thought of dying in a place like this. If the squeeze was causing her pain, Fujino did not let it show, if anything she only squeezed harder herself.

"Is it," she wondered aloud, "to make entry harder, or to make escape harder?"

"Both," Haruka, who knew more of the hardships of life and the ornate prisons of the powerful, like her own father, replied, trying to keep her best brave face. And then all of that faltered when they saw what there was attached to the top of the colossal arc set over the stone gates of the Academy itself at the other end of their fearsome path.

Bound by his wrists and ankles, exposed to the cold winds in nothing but his striped boxers, there was a chubby, short, heavily bruised young man, barely younger than themselves as a matter of fact. He looked like the kind of generic, disgusting filthy otaku protagonist in a certain kind of hentai doujiin that thought itself wish fulfillment for it's target readership while insulting that readership to its face. He seemed unconscious or worse, his head hanging over his chest, his chin buried in his sparse chest hair. Fujino stiffled a faint cry of shock and disgust, until the young man lifted his head, with no small amount of effort, and shouted.

"Not dead yet!" he proclaimed in a voice that was nowhere as deep as it should have sounded. Rather too nasal and kind of whiny, instead, with a hint of shortness of breath.

Before the girls could even guess what to do about him, the massive gates flew open, and out walked another young man, but this one was tall and muscular as a giant. He wore a shiny, brand new all white uniform with resplendent golden buttons all across his wide, angular chest and gorilla-sized cuffs, his jacket as well-pressed as his pants, his blond hair perfectly combed and slicked back. His skin was darker than the Japanese average, although of a much lighter tan than Mana's or Cocone's, of the sort gained by doing lots of manly outdoorsy things, like juggling cows or changing the courses of mighty rivers, that sort of thing. His looming shadow fell over the much smaller Haruka and Yukino, before the young man yelled, very formal and martial, a vigorous greeting at them, with a voice that was as booming as he was big.

"Fujino Shizuru-sama! Suzushiro Haruka-sama! I'm Ima Gamagoori, Representative of the Honnouji Student Council, Ma'am, Ma'am! Welcome to Honnouji Academy, Ma'am, Ma'am! Kiryuin Satsuki-sama regrets not being able to welcome you personally, Ma'am, Ma'am! But she'll meet you by lunch, Ma'am! Ma'am!" And he bowed so deeply his forehead almost touched the ground, in spite of which he still towered over both of them.

Shizuru's mind boogled more than since that fateful night Arashi-san had first contacted her. Haruka, instead, just pointed up and said, "Sir! You happen to have a nearly dead man hanging from your gates, Sir!"

The titan looked up, folding his arms behind his back, and informed, "Ma'am, that's a thief and traitor, caught this morning in the act of stealing a Gokou uniform from our research laboratories! He was to be punished for his treason, but because this is a first offense, he was shown mercy, and merely– "

What was described is the sort of thing that gets the audio version of pixelation, it was so disgusting. Shizuru and Haruka both sort of blocked it out, Haruka not even taking mental notes to add to the list of things she wanted to happen to Shizuru.

" – and finally hanged!" the enormous giant concluded. "I was against it, as that sort of coddling would only serve to encourage laxness but Satsuki-sama's word is law!"

"Ah…" Shizuru said, morbidly fascinated, "out of curiosity, what would the standard punishment have been?"

"For his treasonous actions, the standard punishment would have been deportation to Mahora to join the SOS Brigade as a lifetime member!" came the reply.

"THAT'S BARBARIC!" Shizuru and Haruka gasped in horror.

"You don't need to concern yourself over him, Ma'am, Ma'am! We have him well under control!"

"Y-Yes, I can see that," Haruka gasped, a side of her face twitching slightly, "but what if he dies up there?"

Gamagoori's austere, stony expression briefly turned into a harsh smirk that tugged at one corner of his mouth, a fleeting flash of perfectly white teeth peeking out. "He won't, Ma'am. At Honnouji, even the vilest of weeds are stronger than that."

Before either of them could ask him what the hell he meant, the young giant turned around on his heels and stiffly marched back inside, every step making the thin structure of the pathway boom and tremble ever so slightly under Haruka and Shizuru's feet. "Now please follow me. You will be shown the wonders of Honnouji before having the honor of sharing Satsuki-sama's company and extending your invitation personally."

The girls shared a haunted glance they never had allowed themselves on each other before, and Haruka whispered, _"Next year, we'll just send them an e-mail, won't we?"_

"Haruka-han," Shizuru reminded her in the same hushed tone, "by this time next year, we'll have graduated, remember?"

"That's only if we have survivorated this," Haruka pointed out.

"Oh yes, there's that," Shizuru agreed, but still, since none of them would admit defeat, they still walked in together after the behemoth. The gates loudly slammed closed after them.

And for a moment there was the most chilling of silences.

"Could someone get me a soda, pleeze…?" sounded the nasal whine of a crushed shell of a student.

* * *

"So this is Ohtori...!" a nearly breathless Kagurazaka Asuna, wearing a fairly pretty (even if borrowed) dress for once, contemplated in awe as she, Konoe Konoka and Sakurazaki Setsuna through the fragrant, wide gates of the prestigious academy of glamour and sophistication, aka the Fruity Flaming School (as opposed to CLAMP Gakuen, the Fluffy Frou-Frou Ambiguously Gay School, and Mahora the Deviant Wacko Nutbars School. Being called the Black School was getting off easy). Their limousine's chaffeur smiled at the three young beauties and then pleasantly drove away, happily humming to himself down the highway bathed by radiant sunlight, under the crystal clear blue sky, wrist already getting limp just from the atmosphere.

Soft, soothing European classic music sounded across the campus from the very entrance, which was flanked by long rows of bushes in full flowery bloom, and in the distance, huge buildings of exquisite Western architecture could be seen, populated by all sorts of girls in dangerously short light green skirts and white fuku blouses, plus generally handsome boys in long sleeved fully light green uniforms (and the other way around, of course. Everyone was that bish. You literally needed a crotch inspection to tell the difference). Ohtori was actually the second smallest of the Four Schools, but that didn't mean it wasn't gigantic in its own right, and while it was nowhere as exuberant and full of life as Mahora, it had far more of an aura of traditional aristocratic class to it, without the traditional self-flagellating overtones (unless you were into that sort of thing, in which case it was easy to find. There wee three different clubs and a campus magazine). You certainly wouldn't see students rambunctiously flooding out of train cars at this time, but they would orderly march into their respective buildings, arranged into neatly organized lines, while gently chattering about the business of the day. Gay laughter abounded.

It was the sort of life Asuna certainly didn't want to lead on a permanent basis, but the kind she would love to play pretend in for a day every now and then.

"It's certainly more impressive than I thought, although I guess it lacks... something I can't put my finger onto," Konoka, wearing an even prettier dress of silky texture and delightful light blue frills, agreed while walking hand to hand with Setsuna, who was both utterly motified and yet felt strangely natural. Setsuna found herself feeling oddly at welcome, as if she had finally found the homeland. "Still, better to be here than with the VP, either way. I feel kinda bad for her..."

"She'll be okay, Ojou-sama," Setsuna said in strangled voice as if she was being forced to chew on nails. She had originally been uncomfortable to find herself wearing the prettiest dress of all three by far, her hair arranged in a way that made her look absolutely glamorous but not practical at all. Although she could walk on the high heels she was wearing, that still didn't mean she had to like it at all. "She's... strong."

A young woman a year or year and a half older than them, wearing a formal business suit with modest skirt and black tie, walked out to greet them with a flawless bow and a stoic, educated tone. She had thick glasses with an even thicker black frame, and her long, bountiful black hair was bunched into a single braid running down her back. The design of her suit was clearly intended to hide as much of her figure as possible, but Konoka's clinical eye could tell she was very-well shaped indeed. Totally clinical. There was nothing gay about being able to assess other women. Really. Besides, she liked the slim, bashful, boyish types!

"Konoe Konoka-sama, Kagurazaka Asuna-sama, Sakurazaki Setsuna-sama," she said. "Welcome to our humble Academy. I am Kajou Ayame, Secretary for the Ohtori Student Council, here to take you to Kiryuu Touga-sama."

"Asuna-sama," Asuna blinked. She considered the sound of that, then decided she didn't like it. "Hm, that's so nice of you, Sempai, but just call me Asuna-san, will you? I think I'd like that better..."

The older girl looked at her with something that was too polite and restrained to be called stupefied before kindly nodding at her. "As you wish, Asuna-san. Please come with me," she invited, gracefully spinning back on her heels and leading the way down a long road framed by tall trees charged with exotic, aromatic red flowers.

Konoka looked up at them, then pulled a tiny booklet out of her Victoria's Secret compartment, checking on one of its pages. "Ohh, I knew they looked familiar. See, Setchan? They come from the same country as Kimura Kaere-sempai..."

"O-Ojou-sama, please, try to behave more according to the place's customs," her bodyguard stiffly whispered out a corner of her mouth. "That goes double for you, Asuna-san!" she urgently hissed, seeing Asuna had taken to behold all the sights with both arms folded behind her neck.

"What am I doing?" Asuna asked innocently, blinking a lot at Setsuna.

Setsuna hissed, then reached over to grab her right arm and pull it back down. "That's not the way a proper lady on a diplomatic mission should behave!"

She caught Ayame-san briefly looking back at them past her shoulder, and the Shinmeiryuu practitioner gulped. "Our deepest apologies. Asuna-san has been experiencing neck inconveniences of late."

"I have?" Asuna wondered aloud.

"Yes, you have, it's just that your traditional, proper upbringing means you don't like to burden others with your problems..." Setsuna drawled the words, fixing a sharp side glance on her.

"Well, that's right, but still, if something's bothering me, generally I'll share it," Asuna matter-of-factly said, although in practice she wasn't like that at all. Push came to shove, she'd even have hidden a demon coming to claim her soul, or her having to be sealed for a century, as long as it meant she wouldn't disturb others. "Who do you think I am? Negi?"

While Setsuna just made a face of complete and anguished disgrace and Konoka giggled softly, Ayame allowed herself an amused smile, as long as they weren't looking at her face.

Who knew? Maybe these ones had potential. Especially the one in the prettiest dress with her hair up. She looked like she'd fit here perfectly, she had that 'coming to the homeland' look to her…

* * *

"So, the VP is at the Black School, and Asuna, Konoka and Setsuna-san are at Fruity Flaming School, but where's Chamo, anyway?" Misora asked, as she made a show of looking in all directions.

Negi blinked at her from the other side of the dinner table. "Oh, didn't I mention it? I'm sorry. Well, he's on a similar assignment right now, accompanying Takane D. Goodman-san and Sakura Mei-chan to CLAMP Gakuen."

A stark, abrupt silence swept all over the table formerly filled with the happy sounds of youthful chattering and avid eating, surprising Negi.

"Did I say anything wrong?" he asked.

"Chamo?!" Yuuna cried. "Seriously?! Not that I'm complaining about his absence, but why'd the Headmaster send him away with the stripper and her little girlfriend to the Fluffy Frou-Frou Ambiguously Gay School?!"

"And what's with calling the little ginger '-chan' all of a sudden?!" Misa demanded.

"Well, she's still just a child, isn't she?" Negi asked back, not getting it. "I call Cocone-chan that way too, and nobody's ever complained..."

"That's different, Cocone isn't older than you, Goodman's girlfriend is!" Misa argued.

"Actually—" Cocone very quietly began, but then fell silent, shaking her head to herself. Out of all the present, only Rito noticed, and he gave her a short, deeply perplexed glance she only dismissed with a passively aggressive stare of her own.

"I'm still a teacher and she's still a student," Negi easily replied, reaching for the salt shaker. "So there. As for Chamo, he's still a representative of the ermine elves, an officially sanctioned Familiar, and I signed an authorization to attend the negotiations on my behalf. So there's that," he finished just as easily, happily applying the right amount of salt to his salad.

"What does him being an elf have to do with—" Chisame sputtered, before settling for a frustrated, "You really signed off on papers sending the critter away to another school in an official capacity? Do you realize now anything he does over there will be on your head?"

"He won't do anything bad," Negi shrugged. "You're overreacting again, girls. It's not like he's ever actually destroyed public property or anything, and despite his fervor to get me Pactios, I must admit he's far better at hiding the secret than I am."

"That's some very low standard to meet!" Chisame argued.

"Oh, so that's why they didn't send you to any of the schools," Sakurako said with an air of great enlightenment. "Yeah, Negi-kun would have spilled the beans to half of the academy before coming back."

Most of those others sitting around the large table in the fancy main pavilion of the resort nodded sagely at that.

"I'm admitting my flaws, right?!" Negi cried. "That's the first step to recovery! But I don't do it so you can turn my words back against me, guys!"

Madoka blinked helplessly and then dubiously asked, "Are things here like this all the time?"

"No, without Asuna-san, Chamo-san and the Vice President here, this is an unusually uneventful evening," Ayaka answered while primly buttering her piece of bread.

"Don't forget Eva-chan isn't around to get all snippy at Negi-kun for anything he says," Makie added, looking at Chachamaru, who stood silently by the table. "Where is she, by the way? I haven't seen her since we came in."

"I found a way to advocate for Sayo-san and Murasame-san's presence here," Negi smiled, rather proud of himself. "I pointed out that, with the recent increase of paranormal activity all over the school, it makes sense for the most powerful mage in all of Mahora to keep herself updated on all aspects of said activity, and thus it'd pay off to keep a close eye on people at the local magical fringes. After taking her hands off my throat and giving it some thought, she agreed with me," this was said with an extra burst of pride that made Ayaka, Misa and Misora quite jealous, "and she took Sayo-san and Murasame-san aside for a private discussion on the subject."

"I'm sure most of that increase in abnormal activity is directly related to y—" Chisame stopped herself, jaw going askew. "Wait, did you leave those two alone with Evangeline?!"

Negi blinked and nodded. "Did I err?"

Sora sobbed, then she, Ai, Ayaka, Rito, Keiichi and Madoka closed their eyes, slammed their hands together, and began a frantic prayer for two very unfortunate (literal) sounds. Misora and Cocone bowed their heads, made the sign of the cross and prayed in a more western fashion.

"What?!" Negi demanded. "Why are you reacting like that?!"

"Negi-kun," Haruna said, pointing up at something she had just summoned from her drawing pad, "I believe this is what you've damned those two poor ghosts to."

Negi looked at what there was flowing from Haruna's Artifact to hover above the table. It was a gigantic thought balloon, the sort you'd find in a gag manga or an old American comic book, containing a terrifying image of a cackling, devilish Evangeline, with horns, tail and a massive pitchfork, wearing a black thong, red negligee and Dracula cape, long tongue snaking out of her sharp-fanged mouth, crowing over a bawling, bound Sayo and Oshizu, with several whips, torture instruments and copies of Twilight and Barney Videos in the background.

"If the Master ever sees that," Negi slowly pointed out, "you know she'll get angry, right?"

"Well, of course she would," Madoka said. "No one would like being portrayed as the devil by Paru."

"Hm, no, I think you're getting it the wrong way, Madoka-san," Negi told her. "Master would be offended the portrayal isn't evil enough."

"Bweh?" Madoka said.

As the other members of Ala Alba came together in a collective nod, Madoka cringed even further when Evangeline herself approached the table, seemingly coming out of literally nowhere, and holding a trembling, visibly rattled ghost doll in each hand, while Chachamaru respectfully bowed to her.

"Master, welcome," the gynoid said.

The vampire acknowledged her with a nod before scowling at the depiction of herself. "Saotome! Not evil enough!"

"I'm sorry, Eva!" Paru apologized, recalling the drawing hastily.

"See?" Negi asked a tiny-eyed, open-mouthed Madoka.

"Regardless," Eva said as she set the two twitching, traumatized dolls on the table, between Negi and Chisame, "I believe I can tolerate the presence of these two for the time being, as they helpfully provided me with a lot of very interesting information about areas of the Mahora occult world I had neglected previously. I'll admit perhaps I was a bit more indolent on the subject than I should have been. I actually learned a fair bit of reasonably useful extra lore on what is currently going on, things even Konoemon wouldn't know."

"K-K-K-Kuchiki-san, I-I-Ichigo-sempai, sorry... I'm so sorry...!" Sayo eeped weakly, face subtly spasming every now and then.

"'Twas the scariest time I've ever spent away from a dog...!" Oshizu hiccuped.

"That reminds me, perhaps I should buy myself a pooch, it always give some extra status to a fine mansion as long as it comes from an elegant breed," Evangeline mused while sitting on the empty chair at Negi's right while Chachamaru poured wine for her. "Not a runt like Inugami, of course, but—"

Oshizu whined again, then fainted facefirst on the exquisite tablecloth.

"My word," Evangeline mused. "It used to be, girls four centuries ago used to take jokes better than that."

"Does that mean I can get a cat now, Master?" Chachamaru said hopefully.

"No," Evangeline said crushingly, making Chachamaru droop.

"Wow, you're right," Madoka said. "That depiction really _isn't_ evil enough."

* * *

The entrance to CLAMP Gakuen was nowhere as fearsome impressively as that leading into Honnouji, nor as ridiculously charming, fluffy and delicate as that of Ohtori. CLAMP was the smallest of all four academies, but it still commanded an impressively large territory and student body in its own right, and Takane D. Goodman knew better than to underestimate it. She was marching through the gates while Sakura Mei still waved her goodbyes at the chauffeur of the limousine contracted by Headmaster Konoe, who returned the greeting before steadily driving away for a drink with his colleagues, under a completely Hitou Nami-esque-normal sky.

Kyoshiro would tell terrifying stories of how he'd barely escaped his drive through the Honnouji slums with his life and the car relatively intact. Saburo would tell stories of how everyone he'd meet through the Ohtori prefecture would make those strange eyes at him, and how it'd been flattering at first, but quickly became just plain creepy.

"Wow!" a passing young boy with short, wild black hair, around Negi-sensei's age, with an unzipped uniform jacket, and a red and green cap on marveled as he slowly stopped before Takane, interrupting her walk, much to the gorgeous blonde's annoyance. He looked at the white ermine perched on Takane's shoulder and pulled a small tablet-like device out of his pocket, checking on it. "Let's see what the Po**dex says about it… What? No records? That must be a brand new next gen Po**mon, I'm so jealous! I had no idea they were out yet! Neesan! I challenge you to a Po**mon battle!"

"What," Takane flatly said.

The boy smiled, pulling a small ball shaped device out of his other pocket and aiming it forward, proclaiming, "That weasel Po**mon looks like a ground type! Well, never mind, the types theory is all bull anyway! Charizard, I choose you!"

Takane took a step back, readying herself for a fight as a gigantic red dragon squatting on its two hind legs appeared between them and the boy, stretching wide bat-like wings and letting out a mighty roar. Chamo outright panicked, fur spiking in all directions. Mei only frowned however, and walked right through the dragon as if it was nothing but a mirage, briefly disrupting its image, and wagged a finger at the boy. "That's a very rude way to greet strangers, young man! Please do show a bit more respect for my Oneesama!"

"Bweh?" the boy and Takane said at once.

"Relax, Oneesama, this is nothing but a Po**mon simulation, see?" Mei said, passing her hand back and forth through the reptile's head and making it blink in and out of existence. "It isn't real at all, just a hologram projection for the latest game fad of this district."

"Po**mon isn't just a fad, oba-chan, it's a way of life that will never go away!" the upset boy replied, recalling the dragon back into his spherical device by pressing a button on it. "It'll outlive Gundam battles, Angelic Layer, Duel Monsters, MMA, wars, politics, North Korea, Sword Art Online and all other inferior games! I can't believe someone wouldn't know about it… From where are you guys, Honnouji?"

Takane scowled, angered by the boy's lip and the insult he'd just delivered on her. "We are representatives from Mahora, you little ruffian! We are—"

"Takane D. Goodman-san? Sakura Mei-san?" asked a tall, busty girl with reddish brown hair made into a ponytail, wearing a high school uniform and walking by next to a girl around her age, much less 'talented' but also well shaped, with short black hair and glasses. Or rather, only one glass. Literally, she only was wearing half of a set of glasses, the other half gone because of some mysterious reason or another. Mei had to wonder how she kept it on her face. It looked even harder to balance than Negi-kun's tiny bifocals.

The softly-voiced girl bowed at them. "Please forgive our tardiness, we had a few last minute inconveniences. We are—"

"Kawashima Momo," the much sterner sounding half-glass girl introduced herself, briefly taking a hand to her own chest, "and this is Koyama Yuzu. Second and first Assistants to the CLAMP Student Council respectively. We welcome you with open arms to our humble Academy."

"My name's actually Yuzuko…!" the big breasted girl helplessly whined, only to be completely ignored by everyone. Even Mei, who really should have been more sympathetic to a fellow doormat's plight.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," Takane bowed back, "but, is there any reason why President Jinnai and Vice President Kadotani couldn't greet us personally?"

"They are overseeing a… slight complication at the Tankery fields," Momo informed, "but that's okay, we'll take you to them. I'm sure they won't be busy enough as to—" Then, without even blinking, she swatted Chamo away right as he flew through the air, leaping from Takane's shoulders towards Yuzu's open arms. "Goodman-san, were you aware you had a rat on your shoulder?" she asked, just as business-like as before.

"I wanted to pet it…!" Yuzu pouted.

"That's not a rat, that's a next generation Po**mon! I think," the young boy objected.

Yuzu looked at him while picking up the groggy Chamo, then nestling him into her bosom, at which the ermine cooed happily and hugged tightly, a few nasal capillaries bursting. "Satoshi-kun," she said, "shouldn't you be in classes right now?"

"I'm a Po**emon master, I don't need classes!" the boy proudly said. "Why, I could embark on a country-wide trip for years instead of sitting at the classroom and I'd learn all I need to know just as fine! Besides, Sensei called in sick today."

"Ah, in that case, why don't you come along with us?" Yuzu happily invited. "Don't you want to learn about Tankery?"

"I already know isn't anywhere as good as Po**mon battles, hence I know it's not worth my—"

"Ohhhhh no, if you don't have classes today, you're at least going where we can keep an eye on you!" Momo fiercely snapped, startling Takane and Mei, as she grabbed the boy by an ear and pulled on it, HARD. "We aren't having you again wandering across the campus picking fights with everyone, Mister!"

"They, they aren't 'fights', they're official Po**mon battles!" the boy yelped. "Otherwise, how can I ever become a Po**mon master?! Owie, owie, I'm going to need that ear!"

Yuzu laughed awkwardly at the sweatdropping Mahora girls. "Sorry about this, Satoshi-kun is sort of a local celebrity… Every year, he comes this close to winning the local Po**mon League tournament, but every year, he loses and ranks second…"

"It's just bad luck, that's all!"

"Last year you lost to a video tape of Principle Pegasus," Momo said. "From three years ago."

"This year I'm going to win for sure! And I'm still going to need that ear! Let it go already!"

"Those things have even Leagues?!" a bewildered Takane asked.

Meanwhile, a bird watched on them from a nearby rooftop. That, in itself, was nothing extraordinary, of course. However, this was no normal, Hitou-Nami-esque bird, otherwise why would we even mentioning it? I know we're anal when it comes to details and adding new characters, but are we that far gone? Please don't answer that, the truth would hurt just too much. In any case, the bird was… … not a Po**mon, don't be silly, but a spying device of the Dark Agency, a flesh and blood magically engineered surveillance mechanism of the Forces of Darkness, a—

* * *

"Look!" somewhere else, in the mentioned Darkness, a thrilled Nephrite rudely interrupted the dramatic explanation, pointing at the literal bird's eye view of the meeting through a floating crystal ball in the middle of the room. "That ermine!"

"Hmm?" Kunzite looked up from massaging Zoicite's shoulders. "Oh, yes, I suppose that's a nicely shaped pair of breasts the animal is holding onto, but what is it to us? We're gay."

"You two are gay, I'm perfectly straight and I can have a healthy interest at an underage feminine figure!" Nephrite snapped at him.

Zoicite raised an eyebrow. "Are we supposed to congratulate you over that?"

"Regardless, that's not the point!" Nephrite quickly waved the issue away. "What I meant was, I recognize that ermine! Can't you feel his magic? That's no normal ermine, that's an ermine fairy! And not only that, but the one who was there the night Jadeite was killed!"

"… and?" Kunzite and Zoicite chorused. "

And," Nephrite triumphantly answered, "by capturing it, we'll lure the rest of Jadeite's killers into a deadly, unescapable tramp! Including the Sailor Senshi! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"That was a very Jadeitesque Evil Laugh," Kunzite calmly observed, in a tone that regardless clearly conveyed that wasn't meant to be praise.

"I know. We're doing this for him after all. It's not like I'd ever want to laugh like that otherwise."

"What's that 'we' business I've just heard, Nephrite?" Zoicite asked, gently pulling Kunzite's hands aside and standing from his Dark Couch of Extreme Dark Comfort. "Look, CLAMP is your jurisdiction, your plans. Fine. But I'm not putting my business at Honnouji on hold just to help you catch an ermine elf. What do I look like, pest control?"

"I agree with Zoicite," Kunzite said, surprising absolutely no one ever. "If you're deadset on achieving revenge on Jadeite's killers, why don't you start on this Negi Springfield and his ragtag bunch of exhibitionists?"

Nephrite stared at him.

"What?" Kunzite asked.

"Son of the Thousand Master," Nephrite said.

"So what, we've seen clearly isn't even the shadow of his father yet…"

"He studies under the Dark Evangel, from everything we've overheard, that data Jadeite gathered!" Nephrite argued.

"W-Well, I'll admit earning the Dark Evangel's wrath is risky, but we are Dark Generals, we know the risks—"

"Fine," Nephrite said, "then surely you, the most powerful of us Dark Generals who can take risks, can surely pick up the slack left by Jadeite and pick fights with the Dark Evangel, weakened or not, so I don't have to stoop down and sully our collective name by setting traps for ermine elves."

"…" Kunzite said, and then, very heartfelt, "I wish you the best of luck in your noble and most commendable ermine elf hunt, General Nephrite."

"Thank you, General Kunzite. You are now free to go lie with General Zoicite far away from my sight and hearing."

"Hey, at least we don't spy on little schoolgirls, you pervo!" Zoicite snapped.

* * *

After the dinner was over and while Chachamaru's robot maid sisters were taking the dishes away for washing, Ayaka coughed and said, "Well, well! Since we still have a couple of hours ahead of us before bedtime, I want to suggest the group to tackle an issue of the utmost importance!"

"Oh dear, this is sure to be deeply thought provoking and life changing," Evangeline murmured, tapping on her cheek with well-manicured fingers.

"Well, please forgive us if our problems aren't as grandiose as yours, Evangeline-san!" Ayaka hissed. "I mean, to be as helpful to Negi-sensei as we can, we shouldn't rely solely on our Artifacts! We should learn magic as well!"

"Bwah?" Chisame said.

"Magic?" Yuuna echoed lamely.

Ayaka nodded firmly. "Just think of what caused us to be kidnapped in the first place! Without our Artifacts, we were easy pickings, and we shouldn't let that happen ever again!"

"You were kidnapped? By whom?" Oshizu asked, while Sayo just took both hands to her own mouth.

"By the demon we fought at Sayo-san's house, Murasame-san," Negi helpfully explained to her. "Of course, he won't be bothering anyone any time soon, but..."

"Can we do magic, too?" Madoka doubted. "No joke?"

"Well, except some who aren't ever able to use magic, everyone can eventually master at least the basics of it," Negi said, "but...!"

"Valkyrie Black-san used magic in Kyoto, " Misora said. "She was actually better than I was."

"Then we'll try it!" Ayaka declared fanatically. "No matter how much I need to do, I, Yukihiro Ayaka, will gladly do it for your sake, Sensei! I'll become a multidisciplinary warrior of love to help your noble crusade!"

Negi, helplessly, looked back at Evangeline. "... Master...?"

Eva yawned indolently and hopped down from her chair. "Follow me. I think I have some wands gathering dust somewhere."

That had NOT been what Negi had been hoping to hear.

* * *

"Are you really sure this is wise, Master?" Negi sighed as Evangeline led them to a massive closet in one of her old storage rooms. "I mean, I'm sure most of them can be taught and excel, yes, but I don't think we have the time right now for this on top of everything else...!"

"Of course you have the time, Boya. That's why you're here, where you can make all the time you wish for yourself," his Master said, extending a hand towards Chachamaru, and quickly receiving a small golden key from her. As she struggled to fit the key into the closet's rusty lock, Eva continued, "Like rats dragged away by a raging river that need to cling to anything that can float, you twerps must find your respective true callings fast if you want to survive the trials ahead of you. You barely survived this one, and you've proven you're still pathetically ill-fit for the tasks at hand. Several of you will never be good at direct combat even with your Artifacts, but learning magic might help you overcome those shortcomings."

"Need help with that, Master?" Chachamaru asked while Eva yanked and tugged on the key, which had stuck itself in the lock.

After a few extra pulls and even angry kicks, the vampire relented. "Fine! Do it if you can! That infernal thing will not make me waste my time on it!"

"It'll be only a moment," Karakuri promised, crouching down to open the closet with just as light flick of the key. The closet's doors creaked open. "There..."

Eva blinked. "Oh. Fine. But it was only because I loosened it first!"

"You can casually defeat demon gods, but get your ass kicked by a lock?" Matoi asked.

"And pickle jars," Chachamaru nodded.

"Silence, you both!" Evangeline barked while looking inside, muttering to herself and swinging her little loli butt side to side. Everyone stepped forward to see what was inside the closet as she rummaged, then stepped back as she indiscriminately began throwing stuff over her shoulder. "No, not that… huh, that was in there? No, no… oh, so that's where that was… I have to get back to that later…"

As she spoke, an old leather whip, a pair of silver ballet shoes, a mesh bag of marbles, a rubber dildo, _another_ whip, a huge claw, a shark tooth the size of a large knife, five guns that made Makie let out a distressed cry and dive heroically for before they hit the ground, a bowling ball that Chachamaru managed to catch before it landed on Makie's head, and a and a tennis ball that _did_ land on her head.

"Eh, about taking advantage of your resort's time difference..." Chisame ventured as Makie stood up, holding the guns gingerly and muttering about unsafe handling of firearms, "I've been wondering, won't that make us grow older much faster? I don't want to look like a college student before finishing junior high!"

"You won't have to worry about that if I have it my way, trust me," McDowell grumbled as she pulled out a big wooden box. Before anyone could ask her what she meant, she opened the box, which had dozens and dozens of magic wands inside, most of them with silly looking tips shaped like stars, planets, wings or half-moons, a few more serious looking ones made of heavy wood, metal, wire bindings, leather grips, and for some reason a drum stick. "Here. Choose the ones you feel fit you the best."

"Oh my goodness!" Misora gasped.

Negi did the same. "Master! All these are wands! Where did you?!"

"Relax, you dolt!" Evangeline snapped, while Ayaka reached for a wand with a heart, and Makie followed her example a moment later after making sure the guns were unloaded, safeties on and magazines off. "You know I don't kill children. But often, little punks with delusions of grandeur come to me to challenge me, trying to prove themselves by getting a reputation. I always spanked them hard, sent them crying home to their mommies, and took their miserable wands away so they learned their lesson. Consider these spoils of war, for runts like you, and just meaningless souvenirs, for someone like me."

"Darn, but you're really a bully!" Skuld said.

Evangeline smirked and nodded. "Thank you. I certainly try my best at it!"

Negi tilted his head thoughtfully. "So, that night we fought, you were just going to–"

Evangeline chopped at the top of his head to silence him. "That was completely different! That was a serious fight, damn it!"

"Yes, Master," Negi said meekly.

Keiichi made to reach for one of the large, heavy wooden wands, but Evangeline swatted his hand away. "No, not that," Evangeline said. "The training wands, grease monkey."

"I don't know, it's kinda embarrassing," Keiichi made a face, holding a wand with a pink heart-shaped tip. "They are so childish..."

"For all magical intents and purposes, you're toddlers," Eva commented, guiding them back outside, to a wide open area near a pool, under the false moon. "Kiddie wands are just the thing for you." She stopped right next to the pool, guiding the youngsters around to stand before her. Itoshiki, Misora, Cocone and Negi more or less shuffled to a side, awkwardly. "Now listen, knuckleheads. Magic isn't a toy, it's a thing you have to devote your whole life to. If you're just half-doing this, then don't do it at all! To study magic is to walk with death!"

"Yes, yes, I watched Star Wars too..." Yuuna muttered.

"Shut up!" Eva told her. "Even a second stringer mage like your father has understood that. If you want to make him proud at all, shed the stupid childlike attitude and begin working seriously!"

"Second stringer?-!" Yuuna shrilled.

"Has he killed anything bigger than a hill yet?" Evangeline asked her.

"Eh, not that I know, but—!"

"He hasn't," Itoshiki confirmed.

"Second stringer, then," Eva nodded. "Now your teacher will show you the basic spell, so you'd better, for once, pay attention to what he's saying instead of his crotch. Boya!"

"Yes," Negi stepped ahead, pulling his own wand out. The magical one. We're not writing a lemon fanfic just yet. "Well. Since Master's resort is richly charged with an overabundance of magical energies, that should make your connection to the magical inside of you stronger and easier to access."

"That's also why I can move around freely as long as I'm here!" Chachazero popped out from behind Evangeline, perching herself on the vampire's right shoulder. Madoka cringed visibly, and Sayo and Oshizu, who were being carried by Chachamaru at the moment, wailed and hugged each other, since Chachazero had been Evangeline's assistant of sorts during their little questioning session. Suffice to say Zero had little regard for the concept of empathy between dolls, between supernatural beings, or between herself and anyone else for that matter.

Negi lifted the wand, with his students and Ministra (and Zoidberg, I mean Keiichi) following his example carefully. He moved it in slow circles, saying, "See? This is how you start casting the first traditional spell, _Practe Bigi Nar Ardescat_."

As he said that, a bright burst of flame surrounded the wand's tip. Applauses abounded, even though everyone but Oshizu had seen him casting much bigger spells. "Actually, it's faster and easier just using a lighter for this, but keep in mind it's used mainly to decide if the beginner actually can use magic at all."

"Alright, I'm doing it too! ''Praga Biggus Naru Alderaan''!" Makie waved her wand ahead.

Nothing.

"Makie-san, you won't get it right if you don't pronounce it properly!" Negi said. "Work on that first, okay?"

"Man, I already can see Haruka-sempai will never master this spellcasting biz," Yuuna said, taking her turn. _''Practe Bigi Nar Ardescat!"_

She didn't have any more luck than Makie.

"I can't do iiiiiiiit!" she wailed.

"Now, now, don't worry!" Negi pleaded. "Usually, its takes an apprentice months just to master that. It's a complex process, where you have to sense and gather the magic in your body and channel it out, as if you were exhaling it. Simply finding and feeling your inside power is a complicated procedure on itself. You'll need to latch on it after locating it through your inner balance. Then, you have to imagine it concentrating out through your wand. But once you master that, you'll be able to do it automatically, in a matter of moments."

"Sounds like a real bore," Chisame grunted, holding her wand half-spiritedly. "Isn't there some kind of shortcut we can take? Some pills or anything for magic boosts? Magic apps?"

"For developing your inner magic, no," her teacher told her. "That's something you must achieve by yourselves."

"In other words, if you can or can't do it, it depends on a combination of your own talent and how much effort you put into developing it," Eva lectured. "It isn't the same thing as throwing a light switch up!"

Ai gave her wand a lingering and very anguished look of complete depression. "I can already tell I'm going to flunk this... Really, I'm such a useless person..."

"Kaga-san, please stop that," Negi chided.

"Ah! Sorry, Negi-sensei!" she gasped. "Sorry to complain so much about my uselessness, bothering your can-do winning attitude! I'm sorry to be not only useless but annoying too!"

"I meant you aren't useless, Kaga-san!" he protested.

"But I'm still anno-"

"No, you aren't that either!"

Misa was feeling nice that evening, so she saved them from hearing her opinion on that subject.

Makie turned to Skuld. "I bet you're an ace at it, aren't you, Sku-chan? I mean, you'd have to be! You're a goddess!"

The Norn scowled. "Huh, well, actually..."

Evangeline chuckled. "You can't do it? What kind of goddess couldn't even master the most basic kindergarten spell? Are you sure you aren't just a charlatan after all?"

"S-Shut up!" Skuld protested. Eva sneered nastily, the fact Skuld's father was God being the only thing saving her from being enveloped by an iceberg instantly. "I mean, I, I never had to learn any of that! My powers are focused on control and development over the Yggdrasil mainframe! I leave that sort of primitive crafting to Urd!"

"Then maybe we should bring that Urd person here instead...?" Madoka mused aloud dryly, before asking Kasuga, "How about you, Misora-san? You're a member of this magical community too, aren't you?"

Smiling smugly, Misora took the wand from Madoka's hand, swung it around in a cocky way, and said the words. A flame smaller than Negi's flashed to life. "See?" Evangeline said. "If even Kasuga could learn it, there should be some hope for most of you..."

"HEY!" Misora cried.

After a long while of carefully looking down at her wand in a strange, contemplative silence, Ayaka raised it and said, in a serious and driven tone, "For the power of my love, fueling my arm with the force of my feelings! _Practe Bigi Nar Ardescat!_ ''

Surprisingly, something did happen this time. As Ayaka clenched her teeth and held the wand high, there was, at first, as much nothing as with everyone else so far. Seeing she still wasn't lowering it and just straining herself, Chisame said, "Iinchou, let it go. No one gets it right in the first try, didn't you listen? Just step aside and let someone else try..."

"Nnnghhhh!" Ayaka said, trying even harder, eyes squeezed shut.

"Iinchou, Chisame's right, just cut it out already. You're starting to sound constipated," Sakurako walked closer. "There's no shame on failing at this, you heard Negi-kun! It won't diminish from your—"

"NNNGHHHHHHHH!-!-!"

Yuuna sighed. "Oh brother. We're going to be here all night long, aren't we?"

Then, for the briefest moment, a tiny flame flickered to life at the wand's tip. Negi, Misora and Itoshiki gasped loudly, while Rito, Keiichi and most of the girls jaws fell in astonishment, and Evangeline half-raised an eyebrow critically. Ayaka finally lowered the wand with a heartbroken sigh and opened her blue eyes. "Never mind. I guess you're right this time, Shiina-san. Still, it's a shame this doesn't reflect the depths of my—"

"N-No, you really did it, Iinchou!" Madoka said. "Okay, only kind of, but still!"

Satomi nodded. "She's correct, Iinchou. It was quite surprising!"

Negi clapped nervously a few times. "Ah, y-yes! Quite a feat, actually! It took me a couple of weeks to achieve it...!"

"A couple of weeks?!" Misora was even more awed now. She had spent the better part of a year just getting there, herself.

Negi's look was turning more emotional with each moment, chest pounding with paternal pride as he fully realized the implications of his student's talent, and now he was staring at Ayaka with gigantic starry eyes. "Believe me, that was just amazing, Ayaka-san...!"

The Class Rep blinked cluelessly a few times. "I did...?" she babbled, blushing before falling into shaky but boastful laughter. "Oh, ho ho, I mean, I was sure I'd do it! After all, I put all my heart into it! You deserve nothing but the best in a partner, Sensei!"

Chisame shook her head. "Well, I suppose it was kind of expected, after that weird thing you did with your Pactio. You're so freaky even the laws of magic must be afraid of you."

"Hm? What did she do to her Pactio?" asked Madoka.

"Oh, that," Sora took over the explanation, "Well, you'll see, Kugimiya-san, when she, Akashi-san and I were getting our Pactios at Kyoto, she was going to get a non-combat card, but... well, she apparently wished for a combat card so much, she... sort of changed the card while it was appearing."

"Yes, I remember that now," Eva seemed intrigued. "I had chalked that up to a freak random coincidence, perhaps brought by the proximity to a demon gate, but it seems I might have to rethink my stance. Tell me, Yukihiro Ayaka, who's your mother?"

"Eh? What does she have to do with this?" Ayaka asked back.

Evangeline rolled her eyes. "Who do you think I am? I didn't get to be an expert on the magical communities around the worlds... both of them... for nothing. I know about every important family with magical backgrounds in this country, and the Yukihiros were never one of them. So, if you have some sort of special talent, it must come from your mother's side."

"Well..." Ayaka doubted. "My mother's maid name was Rosalie Claudel, from Lyons, France. She met my father during one of his business trips and... wait, why are you asking me this? My mother would never hide any magical background of hers from me!"

Yuuna coughed loudly.

"That's very different!" Ayaka snapped.

"And then there's Konoka's case..." Chisame said.

"That, too, is different!" Ayaka protested.

"What did she do to earn a living before marrying into fortune?" Eva asked.

"She played waterpolo."

"For which team?"

"The Hurricanes of Lyons, of course. I've seen the pictures and everything, even the old newspaper clippings!"

"Chisame," Eva said neutrally. "Access all French sports pages from twenty four to fifteen years ago and look for records on the Hurricanes of Lyons and any Rosalie Claudel in their lineups."

Chisame nodded, accessing her Artifact, the mice flickering back into sight around her with cute chirpy sounds of greeting, prompting coos of lovable Cuteness Proximity from Sayo and Oshizu. Madoka just thought they were freaky, if still kind of funny.

"For the love of God, Evangeline-san! What are you trying to prove here?-!" the heiress growled.

Chisame made a lightning speed search, aided by her sprites, which continuously flashed negative messages. Negi, Makie, Satomi and Matoi watched closely, while Ayaka bit on one of her thumbs, and everyone else sort of just stood in dazed silence. After a few moments, the younger Hasegawa reported, "Nothing. Are you sure she never went under a fake name, Iinchou?"

"Why-Why would she ever do that?!" Ayaka almost sobbed.

"Well, you should ask her. Amongst many other things," Evangeline smiled lazily. "Welcome to the world of adults, Class Rep. Santa Claus isn't the only 'white lie' parents make up to protect their children's innocence, after all."

Ayaka seemed to be trying hard not to sniffle, but kept her nose high to preserve her dignity. "All the same. All I care about now is being useful for Negi-sensei. Any gifts I might have from my family only matter in how they could be used for that cause!"

For a moment, nobody did or said anything else, being too impressed, stupefied, or uncaring to act on it. Then Sakurako, who had studied with Ayaka the longest of them all, realized, without Asuna around, it sort of fell on her to say something by default, since Negi only was holding back sobs of further paternal pride Iinchou no doubt would misread. So the cheerlader patted her right shoulder, slightly wary about it, and Ayaka, in turn, discreetly patted her hand back as her way of saying thanks.

Ayaka's normally warm hand felt, for once, chillingly cold, Shiina noticed.

* * *

"—and that's why we don't allow Edogawa-kun to ge closer than 200 feet to the Drama Club anymore," Momo finished her story, which by now had Takane and Mei frankly slack-jawed, while Chamo didn't care a bit and only kept himself snugly nestled between Yuzu's arms and her chest. "And we also don't let him go on class trips because–"

"People keep ending up murdered," Mei finished. "You don't need to tell us, we have the oldest detective school in the world on our grounds, after all."

"Oh, yes, I forgot," Momo said.

"W-Well," Takane eventually coughed, "that's certainly for the best, all things considered. Please forgive my impatience, but how much longer until we reach the Tankery fields?"

"We're almost there," Yuzu said, "right after turning this corner, we'll take the road leading directly to—Oh!" she stopped, looking towards a small playground where several noisy children were gathered around something they were beating and kicking rather fiercely in between cliché nasty chuckles and thuggish remarks somewhat unfitting anyone that age. "Boys, boys!" she said, stepping away from the reception troupe to walk briskly towards them. "Play nice! What are you doing there?"

One of the little boys looked at her. "Damn, that's one of the Student Council people, isn't she?"

"Hm?" another took a look of his own. "Bah, it's just Busty-neechan. Ignore her and she'll go away." Then he gave the thing still out of Takane and Mei's line of sight another punt, and the thing meowed in a very pained, despairing pitch. They'd had Itoshiki's literature class, so they knew what despair sounded like.

"G-Guys, don't ignore me! Please?!" Yuzu pouted, getting closer and closer even though the boys had gone back to simply harassing the small animal they had trapped, kicking it back and forth between them as if it were a football. Takane could see that much, and also that the little creature was black and apparently furry. She felt her APOSTLE OF JUSTICE righteous fury boiling up, and her fingers twitched in a way that made Mei very wary.

"Oneesama," her Pactio partner gulped, meekly reaching over to hold her by a sleeve, "you shouldn't, this isn't our jurisdiction, we are only here to—"

Before Takane could do something she would regret later (or at least something _someone_ would regret at some point), and even before a fuming mad Satoshi-kun could storm past from where Momo was stoically holding him back while waiting to see how long would it take Yuzu to need bailing out this time, someone else suddenly arrived from another, completely unexpected angle, jumping into the middle of the children and scattering them in all directions like struck bowling pins with a mighty cry of "SAILOR V KICK!"

"What—" Takane gasped.

"MREEEOWWWW!" the black cat currently under the feet of the blond girl who had just landed on it cried frantically, flailing its legs around in further pain and great terror, its back impossibly curved like a bow under the weight of the person standing on it.

"Oops!" the newly arrived girl, who had her long hair made into two long pigtails protruding out of twin odango-shaped buns on her scalp, gulped, taking an immediate step back. "Sorry, Kitty! Miscalculated!" And then, just as quick, she was shouting a storm at the bruised, groaning kids splayed all across the playground and trying to push themselves back up. "What the hell were you doing to this, poor, harmless kitty, you lunkheads! Don't you have any shame?! What are you, psychos in training?! What do you think this is, Honnouji?! You no good punks wouldn't last two days in Honnouji! I shoulda know, they had to kick me outta there!"

Yuzu, now visibly paler, swallowed the large cold knot in her throat. "Ah, um, good morning, Tsukino-san…"

"Good morning, Assistant-san!" the blonde barely acknowledged her before returning to berating the brats. "Does this make you feel macho? Well, how 'bout getting your butts kicked by a girl? I see you doing this again, and I guarantee I'm gonna make you my housewives, you little prissy girlies!"

"Aw, crud, it's the wacko!" one of the boys yelped, running for the hills. "What the hell is she doing here?"

"She must've skipped classes again!" another boy said, running into another direction. "Cobra, retreat, retreat!"

"I'm going to tell Moooooooom!" a third boy bawled, fleeing for dear life. "There are laws against this now…!"

The girl picked a small stone and tossed it at his head, making him whine further as he ran, and Takane, Mei and Chamo grew gigantic sweatdrops on their own heads. "Take this one to the judge while you're at it, punk! And I've got one for each jury member, too! Honestly!" she huffed, dusting her hands off on her uniform's skirt. "What's wrong with education nowadays? It's almost enough to make me miss the Kiryuin b—"

"Um, Tsukino-san, that was sort of overkill, again, don't you think?" Yuzu softly pointed out.

"Concerned citizens on civic watch wouldn't have to do this if you did it yourselves, Assistant-san!" the 'Tsukino' girl snapped at her, making Yuzu cringe. "I'll bet those twerps were skipping classes, even!"

"Just like you, as they said themselves, isn't that right, Tsukino-san?" Momo decided to stroll into the conversation then, arms folded, gaze icy and stern. "And I see, once more, you've dragged Osaka-san along with you."

This was said with a precise glance towards a plain looking girl around Tsukino's age with short brown hair trying to hide behind a nearby tree, holding an ice cream cone in each hand. This girl shuddered and closed her eyes in evident shame, but said nothing at all.

Momo's temper then finally burst into flames. "I can't believe you! Look, you're disgracing our school before illustrious visitors from Mahora! I hope you're happy now, Tsukino-san!"

"Mahora?!" the blonde's eyes shone and expanded almost creepily, now zeroing on Takane and Mei, who felt very, very afraid all of a sudden. In a second she was on them, looking at them from all directions, merrily bouncing on her feet like a Mountain Dew addict on the worst sugar rush ever. "Wai, Mahora! You guys have met Sailor V, haven't you?! I mean, who in Mahora hasn't met Sailor V?! Are you Sailor V?!" she excitedly asked Takane, gesturing with her fingers as if to establish the shape of a big ribbon on Goodman's head. "Because you sure look like Sailor V, with that hair, and that body, and THEM LEGS!"

"I don't think I like this girl," Mei bitterly commented under her breath.

"Tsu-ki-no-san!" Momo roared, grabbing her by an ear and pulling her away from Takane as if she weighed nothing. "Pay attention for once and stop bothering Mahora's delegates! Your behavior here has been downright repulsive!"

"Repulsive? What's repulsive?" Tsukino asked, shaking the hand off her ear before seemingly realizing something. "Oh, you mean like gross, right? For shame, Assistant-san! I only wanted to save this poor, victimified animal from those evil, evil brats!" she argued, grabbing the dazed, beaten cat up from the floor and almost pushing it on Momo's face. "Just look at her! What kind of monster-to-be would put a beating on this poor cute thing…?"

"Take that mangy sack of fleas off me, I'll bet it hasn't had its shots!" Momo shivered, pushing her back.

"That's what your mom told me last night," Tsukino snarked, and then, just as rapidly, she greeted Satoshi before any reply could be given, the best to shift the topic away. "Oh, hi there, Ash. Hadn't noticed you, sorry."

"Hey, Bunny," the boy grinned, and they high-fived each other. "I liked that one! Had style!"

Mei blinked. "You two knew each other?"

Tsukino shrugged. "I tried to be a Po**mon fighter, but just wasn't my thang. Ash's da bomb, though. I know they don't say 'da bomb' anymore, but that's part of my rebel-against-the-system-doing her-own-thang, um, thang. How'd ya do? I'm Tsukino Usagi, fifteen years old, and the cutie behind the tree's my best friend, Osaka Naru-chan!"

"I was just passing by, really…" Naru innocently whistled, giving a lick to one of the ice cream cones.

"Hey, I saw that! That one's mine!" Usagi barked in her direction before noticing the cat she was still holding was angrily clawing and pawing on her own forehead, where someone had placed two band.-aids on an 'X' shape at the middle of it. "Hey, what's that, Kitty? Are you a mutant? Were you branded by a mutant? Do you have wicked cool metal claws coming outta your paws? Be careful, you could give yourself a lobotomy…"

"That's obviously something the children placed on it, Tsukino-san!" Momo shouted at her, even redder now, the eye behind her single glass slightly bulging up in a way that greatly concerned Yuzu.

"That was gonna be my next guess," Usagi nonchalantly shrugged, then took hold of the band-aids. "Let's see, if they bother you so much Oneechan will take 'em off, I just hope your brains don't leak off all over me…"

She gave a yank, and the cat meowed as the band aids came off. The feline spun free from the hand holding her, gave a pirouette during which she skillfully clawed on Usagi's face, and finally landed on all fours on a nearby wall. She looked down at the pained, twitching Usagi, holding her face in her hands, and just as quickly leapt away, disappearing between the trees. Not before catching Chamo's attention, however. For, during that instant, the ermine had seen a recognizable mark on the spot formerly covered by the band aids. And he knew he had stumbled onto something big.

"Let's see, I'm sure it's not too bad, Tsukino-san…" Yuzu said motherly, approaching Usagi and checking on the fine slash marks on her features. "I think maybe you were too rough…"

"Why, that ungrateful little bitch, I mean, cat…!" Usagi bawled as Yuzu made soft soothing sounds to her. "No good deed goes unpunished, after all…! Stupid Shingo was right…!"

"You can take on gangs of five at once without a complaint, but a cat scratches you and the waterworks go on?" Momo murmured, annoyed, before looking in all directions. "Yuzu. Have you just lost Goodman-san's pet, or I won't have to kill you later?"

"Eh?" Yuzu blinked, and then realized Chamo had vanished without trace. "Ah! This is bad! I had him here a second ago, and he seemed so content to be there! Please forgive me, forgive me, Goodman-san! I promise I'll look for him immediately!"

Takane smiled pleasantly and held a hand up. "Oh, don't concern yourself about that, Koyama-san. We aren't angry at you at all! As a matter of fact, let us treat you to lunch after the meeting, what do you say to that?" She suddenly became aware of an intense stare coming from the direction of her little kouhai and girlfriend and hastily amended her statement with, "To thank you for taking the time to show us around, of course! In a completely platonic way!"

* * *

"Kh!" Negi grunted as he was thrown across the main practice arena, then quickly flipped over to stand again, just as Evangeline rocketed towards him with an insane cackle and outstretched hands. Chachazero, knives at the ready, and Chachamaru both rushed him from another angle, giving him less room to maneuver, and so he was hit directly by Evangeline, forcing him to grind back on shaking legs, his blocking doing little to absorb the impact.

"All yours," the mistress of the resort grinned wickedly, and her dolls both leapt on the boy, each from a side.

 _"Flans paelis aerialis!"_ Negi shouted, extending his arms, and a large burst of air blew around him, pushing both dolls back, although not enough in Chachamaru's case. Pushing her arm through the compressed wind, the gynoid took hold of Negi's chin and pushed him against the ground, pinning him while Chachazero recovered and slammed a knife on the concrete, mere millimeters from his nose. "Aie!" he gasped, and then a small bare white foot was pressed on his face from above.

"Checkmate, Boya," Evangeline chuckled, folding her arms while keeping Negi down, and Chachamaru bowed deeply to apologize. "Seriously, that was pathetic! I know it was three on one, but you should've lasted at least one minute more!"

"My bad..." Negi managed to say despite the sole squeezing his cheeks one against the other and trying his best not to look up towards Evangeline's very miniscule thong. "Will you give me another try...?"

"As you wish," Evangeline easily punted him in the stomach, sending him flying up, and then leaping after him. In mid-flight, Negi recovered and rushed towards her with both hands, a maneuver taught by Ku Fei, but Evangeline easily blocked it with her forearms. Negi smirked, then used his proximity to kick at her, but she moved out of the way just as easily. "Your legs are too short," she reminded him, and then copied Negi's own hand-shoving, hitting him squarely and sending him into Chachamaru's arms, as she'd just flown behind him. Chachamaru hit him with a haymaker, sending him back down towards Eva as she readied a spell. _"Lic Lac La Lac Lilac. Cemedatos Astrabusator De Temnator! DIOS CHUCOS!"_

The moment after, Negi was violently bashed down in a colossal explosion of ice that left him flat on his back, groaning weakly while Evangeline floated down to his feet, addressing the audience sitting at the sidelines with a smile. "That," she explained, "is a classic finishing move favored by many a mage, the Thousand Master included. It can be combined with all major elements of magic, allowing it a great deal of versatility. Any questions?"

"I…I already know what spell Master," Negi asked, struggling back to his feet. "But can we do it again, I don't really know how to counter it—"

"Overruled," Chisame said standing up, while all but one of the other Ministra nodded their support and Madoka, Sayo and Oshizu only gaped in horror. "Remember, Konoka's not here, and you'll have to rest and let those injuries heal. You've pushed yourself more than enough tonight!"

Eva gave the boy a dismissive glance. "Eh, I'm sure he'll be ready for another go after two hours of resssss—" then she wobbled on her feet, taking a hand to her head. "Unhh. Tuition, I'm going to need tuition."

"Tuition?" Madoka asked.

"I thought, within this place, you were invulnerable and tireless?" Lala questioned. "I'd never seen you asking for tuition for anything but being hungry..."

"Idiot," Evangeline growled at her while supporting herself on Chachamaru, "I'd been adding areas for the benefit of you blockheads, remember? That demands a lot from my power. Honestly, I don't know why I bother doing things for your grotesque expanded entourage... Oh, yes, it's for this," she was reminded as Negi, having pulled his left sleeve up, extended his arm to her, and she took hold of it, sinking her fangs into the boy's skin and beginning to suction happily. "Hmm, oh so good… more Boya, more, more! Give it to me!"

"There she is, talking in innuendo again," Misa sighed.

"Geh!" Madoka screamed, and the doll ghosts shrieked and jumped into each other's arms. "That, that's your tuition?!"

"Well, she's a vampire, after all," Negi said with a tired smile. "Don't think much about it, she's earned it, and it won't really hurt me..."

"I'm not so sure, the way you are right now," Chisame mumbled, rolling a sleeve of her own up. "That'll be enough Eva, you've left him dry in another sense already. I'll pay the rest of the tuition this time."

"Really, Chisame-san, you did it last time!" Ayaka protested, already catching up to her with an arm bared. "I believe tonight it is my turn to help Negi-sensei!"

"But I want Boya's blood, not yours," Eva droned as she briefly let go of the boy's arm, fangs dripping red and horrifying Kugimiya. "It' so thick and rich and makes me feel so full inside… Ah! It's filling me up!"

"Remember, my blood is richer in magic than it seems!" Ayaka offered her arm to her. "At least give it a try, you might just like it!"

"I'll be glad to donate my blood so Chisame-sama doesn't have to give her valuable bodily fluids to any other woman!" Matoi said, rushing to Ayaka's side.

Misa gave her a look . "Oh, don't you get started too."

"Butt out of this, Tsunetsuki! I don't need anyone to be white knighting for me!" Chisame grumbled.

Eva sighed, giving Negi's arm a last lingering suck before letting it go. "All right, I'll humor you this time. You're guests as well, so it's only fair you'll pay your own way. I'll do Yukihiro first, then Tsunetsuki, and Hasegawa if I'm still thirsty after them..."

"I'd rather let you suck all of my blood than to allow you taste any of Chisame-sama's!" the 3-F student gasped while Ayaka cringed a bit at Evangeline biting her.

Sakurako smiled at Madoka. "Don't be worried, she never takes enough as to hurt any of us. And as long as Misora and Cocone-chan bless the wounds afterwards, there's no risk we'll end up becoming vampires or anything like that."

"And even if we didn't, she's not the sparkling kind, so it's all good," Misora said.

"I've told you, it's more complicated than that," Eva murmured around Ayaka's arm. "Don't let Hollywood shlock pass as your knowledge of the arcane, dolts. That's it, tomorrow Saotome will be guiding you an intensive tour of my library!"

Madoka blinked. "Um, okay, blessing vampire bites? That, that makes sense, I guess." She looked at Skuld. "But, wouldn't it be better if you did it? You're a goddess, aren't you?"

Skuld coughed uneasily. "I thought we'd already established I don't do that sort of thing?"

"Wow," Sayo said quietly. "All the same, I'm impressed Negi-sensei would go this far, to go through this kind of training, to let his blood be sucked, just to get stronger. You never looked like that kind of guy to me, Sensei! N-Not like there's anything wrong with that, but...!"

"Oh, I think you might be slightly wrong there, Sayo-san," Negi corrected while Cocone and Misora placed crosses and prayed on his bite wound. "You'll see, if it was up to me, I wouldn't mind being an impressive fighter or not. A competent mage, even a Magister Magi, doesn't have to be a powerful hand to hand combatant. But, how to explain it..."

"Negi's father was a powerful hand to hand combatant," Chisame summed up. "And, well, looks like not only will Negi not be able to find him if he doesn't become one himself, but he wants his father to see he's followed on his footsteps when he finds him."

"Oooooohhhhhh!" Sayo and Oshizu said at once.

"So, he's a papacon like Yuuna?" Madoka summarized succinctly.

"Pretty much," Chisame said.

"HEY!" Yuuna protested.

Negi huffed. "That's a gross and inaccurate oversimplification."

"Like heck it is," his first Partner huffed.

Negi sighed, noticing the curious looks of his friends and allies. "Okay. I suppose you have every right to know the truth. Chisame, Satomi-san and a few others have heard the general story, but... perhaps it'd be easier for you if you all could see it firsthand?"

"Firsthand?" Chisame raised an eyebrow. "Like, in...?"

Negi nodded. "Like that time when we looked into the memories of—"

"Noooooot one word more about that!" Evangeline roared, letting go of the strangely moaning Matoi's arm and earning herself many an intrigued glance. "Ahem! Well, if that's what you want to do, Boya, I won't object, seeing it'll save us all lots of time and inane exposition, and these idiots won't get anything without pretty pictures to make things clear for them. But I doubt you can cast a spell large enough to include them all. Fortunately, I am now back at full capacity, so I can do it for you!"

"I told you my blood would be more than enouuuuuuugh!" a comically emaciated and pale Ayaka said from where a wary Cocone and Misora were healing her wound.

"Really?" Negi smiled at Eva. "That's very generous from you, Master!"

"I, Imbecile, I'm just doing it to go straight to the point!" the vampire stammered. "I-it's not like I'm doing this because I like you or anything! Use the 'G' word with me again and I kick you down a chasm!"

"Besides, it'll no doubt be interesting for Master to see Sensei when he was only a small, adorable child, not to mention probably Nagi-san the night he—" Chachamaru began.

"I can kick two people down a chasm at once, you know!"

"But I can fly, Master."

"Not if I freeze you solid first!"

* * *

A strange, powerfully haunting, imposingly classic melody sounded in the elevator taking Asuna, Konoka, Setsuna, and Ayame to the top of the Student Council's impossibly tall Ohtori tower, one that made Asuna's eyebrows rather in a frankly interesting fashion.

 _The absolute destiny: Apocalypse. Birth records, baptism records, records of death..._

Listening to the bizarre lyrics of the tune, sang by a high pitched feminine voice, Asuna felt like she had to ask. "You know, not to be rude or anything, but... usually, 'elevator music' is sort of... different, I think, anywhere else?"

"These lyrics sound like a 3-F student wrote them... but I like them!" Konoka smiled.

Setsuna cringed a bit at the brutal honesty of her classmates. "P-Please forgive Ojou-sama and Kagurazaka-san, Kajou-san... That's... ah, just a small sample of local Mahora humor, we realize it might not translate that well here..."

 _A shining place in a desert of darkness. A gold plated Shangri-La..._

Ayame shrugged, although still retaining a stiff, straight posture. "I understand it might... puzzle outsiders. And I'll admit I still haven't figured them out myself. And I've been working for the Council for two years now..."

 _Day and night turning back on each other, a time-plated Paradise Lost..._

 _"Ringo mogire biimu! Ringo mogire biimu! Ringo mogire biimu!"_ Konoka and Asuna began to happily sing together.

"Ojou-sama, Asuna-san, please don't start with the 3-F lyrics!" Setsuna cried, skin crawling over. "They're hardly the best our school has to offer!"

Ayame couldn't help but stifle a tiny chuckle behind the hand suddenly covering her mouth, her eyes squinting behind her glasses with the strain of blocking actual laughter.

 _The darkness of Sodom! The darkness of light! The darkness of distance! Endless, endless darkness!_

"Yeah, definitely 3-F stuff," Asuna sagely nodded.

"You said it!" Konoka nodded, then asked Ayame, "Sempai, do you have it in CD? I'm sure Kaga-sempai and Matoi-sempai, two friends of ours, would just love it!"

 _The absolute Apocalypse! The absolute destiny: Apocalyptic darkness!_

"Come to think about it, Eva-chan might dig it as well," Asuna observed.

"You only have to pass through our souvenir store before leaving the Academy to buy the greatest hits of the Student Council, Konoe-san," Ayame politely informed before adding, "If it cannot break its egg's shell, a chick will die without being born."

"... what?" Konoka asked.

"We are the chick, the world is our egg," Setsuna replied with a faint air of recognition, after a moment of shock and doubt.

"No, seriously, WHAT?" Asuna echoed.

Ayame nodded. "If we don't crack the world's shell, we will die without being born."

"Ooo-kaaaayyyy..." Konoka said, slowly edging closer to the perplexed Asuna.

"Smash the world's shell!" Setsuna replied with an air of great enlightenment.

"For the revolution of the world!" Ayame nodded firmly, staring into her eyes.

"Setchan," a very wary Konoka said, eyeing the way Setsuna and Ayame had just shook hands while resolutely sharing a courageous look. "Mind telling us what is this about, because honestly, I don't..."

"Aaaaaaand here we are!" Ayame coughed and stepped outside as soon as the elevator stopped, cutting this properly Utena-esque Big Lipped Alligator Moment we will likely never refer to again. "My apologies for the long trip up, but believe me, the stairs are far, far worse. Please follow me, the Council proper waits at the end of the platform."

"Oh, just like the one at Eva's," Konoka noted, looking at the edges of the gigantic stone platform they had arrived onto before looking way up and blinking. "Except for that, I guess. Sempai, why is there a glowing fairy tale castle hanging upside down over us?"

"That's just CGI, Konoe-san," Ayame answered matter-of-factly, walking without ever looking back.

"Oh, CGI, of course!" Konoka gladly accepted the explanation immediately.

"Shouldn't you be more conscious about those explanations already, Konoka?!" Asuna snapped in typical comical fashion, although by now it's probably not so comical anymore.

 _"Welcome to a world of new solutions, welcome to a world of bloody evolution,"_ Setsuna sang.

"Okay, cut that out!"

* * *

"Are you freaking sure this is going to work?" Chisame complained, grabbing his hand reluctantly.

"Sure!" Negi nodded. "It's like the time we entered the Master's memories, remember? It has no real science to it..."

Hakase heard the words 'no science', blinked, turned around, and began walking away from the circle. Sakurako grabbed her by a hand and pulled her back into her place. "Satomi-chan...!"

The whole lot of them stood on a wide, wide circle drawn on the main platform of the resort, the one that curiously looked exactly like the one at Ohtori Asuna, Konoka and Setsuna were on at roughly the same time. Evangeline herself had just finished putting on the final lines of the circle around them, and smirked as she gave the final instructions. "Okay, Boya, now all you have to do is chant the spell and this will do the rest. The others don't need to do anything but standstill holding each other's hands." This was said while she grabbed Chachamaru's hand from the side, and that of Negi himself from the other. "I think that's within your paltry capacities, but if it isn't, now is the best moment to quit."

"Question, Ma'am," Rito said while glancing at where the green haired killer doll sat silent and still. "Why did you deactivate Chachazero-san?"

"Well, your physical bodies will be paralyzed during the experience," Mc Dowell answered, "and so, we don't want Zero stabbing you to death in the meantime, do we?"

"Eeep," Rito gulped.

"Come on, she wouldn't do that... would she?" Madoka asked.

"Yes. Yes, she would," the rest of them replied as one.

"I'll never complain about Suzumiya-sempai agai— Well, for a day or two," Madoka decided.

"Now, no need to exaggerate, I'm sure Chachazero-kun will do no such thing," Itoshiki said. "Here, let's wake her up and–"

"KEEP US OUT OF YOUR SUICIDE ATTEMPTS!" Chisame cried.

"Now, Boya, when you think we've had enough, you'll break the spell and that'll be it," Eva instructed her disciple. "Got it?"

"Yes, Master," he nodded. "Fine then, is everyone ready?"

After a couple moments of nervous shared glares, nods abounded.

"Let's go full throttle, Negi-kun!" Haruna grinned at her Magister.

"Okay." He took a deep breath in and chanted. _''O Mother of the Muses, Mnemosyme... With me as the origin, take us back six years..."_

And then they all saw a great flash of light that blinded them for a few moments.

Rito was actually the first one to regain his sight, blinking the spots off it and rubbing his eyes with the back of a hand. "Did it work? Oh, sorry, I moved my hand, didn't I, ahhhhhh..."

Then he shrieked, trembled, and fell several feet away after being propelled by a shower of perfectly white blood erupting from his perfectly white astral body. There were several gasps of shock all around him as the travelers into Negi's mind realized, more or less at once, they were all completely naked, although with their bodies resembling those of Barbie and Ken dolls more than anything else; while their buttocks were visible, their chests held no nipples, and then crotches were featureless and smooth.

"We're naked!" Madoka gulped aloud, taking her hands down to cover said featureless crotch.

"Isn't a bit late for that now, after that whole thing at Sayo-san's backyard?" Sakurako reminded her.

"It's, it's the principle of the thing, Sakurako!" her friend protested.

"It's not so bad, look, we don't even have thingies! See?" Haruna said, reaching down to squeeze Rito's non-existent junk.

"Kya!" the boy yelped. "Haruna-chan, don't touch me! Not in public, at least!"

Itoshiki looked down at himself, and then at Keiichi. "Well, at the very least, this saves one of us an uncomfortable sense of inferiority, doesn't it, Morisato-san?"

The younger man paused. "Come to think about it, we haven't ever been at the baths at the same time, have we?"

"Oh, I like the way this is going," Haruna commented, a glint in the glasses that were the only thing she was wearing.

"Of course," the lanky teacher obliviously commented, "at some point or another we'll have to meet there and compare anyway, but at least I'm glad it shouldn't have to happen in the company of ladies."

Morisato nodded. "Oh yeah. I'd bet mine is bigger, though."

Itoshiki frowned. "Not to insult you, Morisato-san, but I wouldn't be too sure about that..."

"Oh, yes? Perhaps we should hit the baths as soon as we are finished here, then...?"

"That's fine with me!"

"Seriously, this writes itself!" Haruna drooled. "But I'm sure Rito-chan will beat you there readily! I have faith in my boy's boy!"

"I'm not going to measure my boy against anyone's!" Rito cried. "I'm sure you'll show up with metric tape, and I don't want you looking at those boys' boys! No no no no, sorry! But no!"

"Actually, you're still quite dressed, these are only the projections of your minds in mine..." Negi's voice said from above.

"I'd never project myself naked anywhere!" Madoka said. "Hey, hey, but if this is my mind at work, I can just imagine myself dressed, can't I?" She closed her eyes and thought of clothes, clothes, clothes. Not a single damn thing happened. "Ahhh! This is an exposure nightmare!"

"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way..." Negi's voice replied, with an awkward hint of shame.

Misa put her hands on her hips. "You're watching us naked, aren't you?"

"What? N-NO! I'm just turning my mental vision aside! That lamppost over there is v-very... pretty, isn't it?"

"We're buck naked in the middle of an English street!" Madoka shouted. "We're giving everyone a free peep show!"

"No one can see us!" Chisame told her. "Well, other than Negi. Who I'm hoping is really looking away..."

"I AM!"

"... and all those people around aren't even real, they're just projections of his memories," Chisame finished, gesturing towards the fully dressed citizens walking down the streets without noticing them, and occasionally outright walking through them, which didn't even tickle in the slightest. Although Haruna still seemed to enjoy it somehow, wiggling her hips and purring while placing herself in the way of the most attractive bystanders. Rito only stared at that and pouted.

Madoka scowled, but finally withdrew her hands away.

"And technically, it's a Welsh street," Hakase added.

"No, it isn't. At this point, I hadn't moved to Wales yet," Negi informed them.

"Ehhhh!" Haruna was showing herself off to everyone who walked down the street. "This is wonderful! I just found a new kink!"

"Haruna, stop flashing the imaginary people already!" Yuuna scolded her.

Lala had just joined Haruna in her careless race around the place. "Weeeeee, this is fun...! Race you, Haruna...!"

"ARE YOU GUYS FREAKING LISTENING AT ALL?!" Yuuna yelled.

"Races are fun...!" Makie giggled, already running at full speed along Lala and Haruna.

"SERIOUSLY, MAKIE, EVEN YOU!" Yuuna said. "Negi-kun, it's your mind, exert your authority!"

"Hmmm?" the disembodied voice asked. "Sorry, Yuuna-san, it's difficult to focus on the things to correct when you can't look at them. Oh, I remember that bakery now! It's a shame flavors can't be enjoyed again..."

Chisame sighed and patted Yuuna's shoulder. "Welcome to my world, Akashi. Also, Tsunetsuki, if you aren't going to stop staring at my butt, at least do it from another position!"

The girl crouched down shortly behind her sniffled. "Saying that while you touch another naked woman is so cruel, Chisame-sama...!"

Then Sakurako glanced aside and asked, "Konoka? What are you doing here, and who's that girl with you?"

"What?" Ayaka looked in that direction as well, finding herself staring at a white girl very similar to Konoka, naked and floating slightly above the street, next to a similarly naked girl who looked a fair lot like a non-chibi version of Oshizu's doll. "Aisaka-san! Murasame-san! Well, this is a surprise!"

"Iiiieeee!" Sayo quickly floated behind Oshizu, using her as a shield and managing a perfect blush on her starkly colorless figure. "Don't look, please! This is so embarrassing! I haven't been naked since, since... well, I can't remember ever being naked! How mortifying!"

"It's oddly liberating in a way, but I don't know why..." a faintly troubled, but also strangely relaxed Oshizu pondered, simply floating in place while making no attempt to hide her own modest figure.

"So, now that I think about it," Keiichi quietly commented, suddenly concerned, "as soon as we get back, our boys will still be where they used to, won't they?"

"Again, since Chachazero won't be able to use her knives while you're here, yes, they will," Evangeline reassured him.

"Ah, thanks, that's good to hear," Morisato said, then took a mental note of buying new added locks for his resort room just in case.

* * *

The black cat finally stopped under the shadow of a tree, huffing to herself and shaking her head. That made it ache, so she took a paw to her forehead and hissed her frustrations. That hiss only grew worse when she heard a happy go lucky, annoyingly peppy male voice coming from behind her.

"So," the voice said, "that crescent moon on your forehead ain't no tattoo, right? Funny, I happen to know a guy who has one of those, too…"

The cat turned her head back to him and growled, "What do you want?!"

"My, my, pushy girl," the ermine who sat on the grass puffing on a cigarette shook his head. "Why don't we try introducing ourselves first? I'm Albert Chamomile, but my friends call me Chamo. I'm an ermine—"

"Elf, I know," she said. "I've heard about your kind. You go around affiliating yourselves to magic users of this realm and exploiting them for your profit. I'll have no part of that!"

"Okay, that went straight from pushy to rude!" Chamo decided, then gasped as he saw her leap away. "Hey, where you going?! At least hear me out first!"

Without bothering to answer, the female cat cleanly leapt over several rows of bushes, then ran along a wide boulevard, constantly checking back over her shoulder. She reached a public female bath, ran her way through it skilfully sticking to the walls, came out the opposite way, then hopped into a small local cafeteria. She absently took a meat bun from a tray, easily outran the angry waitress racing after him waving said tray, passed through several other bushes and trees, zigzagged through a few classrooms, maneuvered across a science lab, and finally stopping by a clearing next to a large fountain, sitting down to enjoy her meat bun…

"Okay, as I was saying," Chamo sat down in front of her as soon as she had settled down, making the cat spit out her first mouthful all over the grass, "now that's no way to treat a perfectly friendly guy who just wants to talk about a mutual friend, because don't try to tell me there are talking cats everywhere and you're completely unrelated. Maybe there'd be talking cats in every corner at Mahora, but this little place? No, not buying it."

"How in Metallia did you get here so fast?!" Luna cried.

"I'm just that awesome," Chamo said. "Relax, I'm not after your tail that way! I'm not into quadrupeds, really, and if I must be honest, body hair and fur have always turned me off…"

"I have a human form as well," the cat chillingly said, staring a veritable Gate of Babylon at him.

Chamo perked up. "See, now that's interesting. Tell me more…"

A few moments later he cringed in pain while taking his paws to the slash marks on his face. "If you didn't want to discuss the topic, you shouldn't have brought it up in the first place…!"

"Listen, I may not look like it, but I'm a busy woman," the cat said, returning her attention to her meat bun. After a moment of doubt, she sliced it in half with a claw and offered part of it to Chamo as a way to say sorry without actually saying it. The ermine accepted it with a nod and she scowled, looking at the lingerie he had no doubt stolen from the public baths while pursuing her. "If you're going to disturb me, better make it quick and worthwhile."

"Okay, sure thing," he said while munching and thinking these weren't anywhere as good as the Chao Bao Zi's. "Does the name 'Artemis' ring any bells to you? He's your brother, or—"

She made a face. "So he's still alive, is he? Well, I guess it had to be expected, considering the situation at Mahora. Sailor Senshi can recover their memories on their own, but for two of them to appear in such a short notice…"

"Three, actually," Chamo corrected. "The Martian one just manifested herself, I was right there when it happened!"

"Seriously?!" the cat was greatly taken aback. "Oh, geez, at this rate he's going to find them all before I even can—"

"It's a competition, some sort of market share thing?" he curiously asked. "Us familiars aren't that fiercely competitive, considering a single person can hold two or more provisional contracts at once with different brokers…"

"No, no, of course not!" she angrily waved a paw. "It's just, well, I'd hate to be left behind without actually pulling my own part in this! You have no idea how important this whole situation is, do you? Exactly how much has Artemis told you?"

"Not much, apparently, since he never mentioned he had a sister. I don't think he likes me a whole lot…"

"Sheesh, I wonder why. And I'm not his sister! My name's Luna, and we happen to be nothing but… colleagues from a while back."

"Ah. Colleagues. I get it!"

"Please stop wiggling your eyebrows like that. It's borderline disgusting."

"I am? Sorry, sometimes my face does that on its own," Chamo piously said. "Then, how many of those Sailor Senshi have you found?"

"I have given her memories back to Sailor Pluto, if that's what you mean," Luna murmured.

"Oh, the blonde Oneesama we ran into in Kyoto!" Chamo said. "Did she mention Kyoto to you?"

"A little. Pluto likes to keep it mysterious."

"And I'm sure you can appreciate that," Chamo chuckled, taking another cigarette puff. "Well, then surely you're aware there are two more, Uranus and Neptune. Any idea who gave _them_ their powers?"

"Other than Artemis and I, I doubt there's any surviving Maus in this world anymore. Like I said, theoretically, Senshi can regain knowledge of their true nature on their own."

"The last of your kind, seriously?" Chamo gulped and sincerely added, "Che, I'm sorry, then. No wonder Artemis didn't want to talk about the subject. Why don't you get back together, then, I'm sure you two would—"

"I have important matters to attend to here," Luna denied him. "The Dark Agency has begun moving in this district, and Pluto's duties mean she can't patrol the area constantly. The local Magical Girls aren't up to the task, and I must find the Sailor Senshi of this sector before people start dying, not just having some of their energy drained."

"Okay, I think I know how this goes. You start feeling good magical vibes from a girl, you start tailing her until a dangerous situation arises, then you instruct her to wake her potential up. That's how it seems to have gone with Venus-chan, Mercury-chan and Mars-chan."

"Basically," Luna conceded with a nod. "I was following my best hunch around when I was ambushed and beaten by those small barbarians."

"Okay, and who's your lucky woman?" Chamo inquired. "Half-Glasses, or the really sweet, big-busted, lovely—"

Luna grimaced, then looked aside awkwardly.

Chamo gulped and, despite being white, seemed to go pale under the fur. "Oh, wait, don't tell me…!"

"Yes," Luna said sullenly.

Chamo gave her a pitying look and risked patting her comfortingly on the shoulder, and spoke the ancient words of comfort passed from familiar to familiar. "Sucks to be you."

* * *

"Oh! Look!" Negi's voice rang again. "Down the street, that's me with my sister!"

They all looked in that general direction, and saw The Most Adorable Tiny Tyke Ever walking towards them, hand in hand with a beautiful young blonde who certainly looked a fair bit like the Black Rose Baron in a sensible long-skirted solid black dress. He was so adorable Tiny Tim would have looked like Mike Tyson standing next to him. He was so adorable Garfield would have put him in a box and sent him to Abu Dhabi. He was so adorable Rito and Keiichi felt like they were getting cavities just from sharing air with him. Yes. He was adorable.

Ayaka's answer to that was, naturally, to let out a strangled cry of joy and fall over on her back, propelled by a spray of stark white blood from her astral nose. Chachamaru, mesmerized, marched ahead, crouched down before him, and tried to pet his head, only to sigh in disappointment when he kept on walking right through her. Even Chisame was doing visible efforts to keep her facial expression on check from going 'Awwwww!'

"Your father?" the blond girl was saying. "Well, your father is a famous hero! Just like... Just like Superman!"

"Superman?" Chibi-Negi said.

"Negi-kun, I thought they didn't speak Japanese in your village?" Makie asked.

"They didn't, Makie-san, but I'm translating our speech for your benefit," Narrator Negi said benevolently.

"Isn't that an admission you haven't been able to teach them English over the better part of a whole school year?" asked Rito.

"You know, Yuuki-san, I might make it so the speech is translated for everyone but you, since I'm sure your English teacher is so much better than I," Negi casually commented.

Rito held his hands up. "No need to get touchy on that subject, Sensei."

Misa stared at Chisame. "He wasn't that way when you had just gotten your hands on him, you're know that, right?"

"What do you mean with that?" Chisame defensively asked.

"Mind, not that I dislike the extra bit of attitude and snark, the little bit less of white bread, but—" Misa began before Sakurako and Madoka loudly hushed her.

"Yes, like Superman!" Nekane Springfield was now saying, "although since he was a wizard, he's more like Doctor Fate. Or Doctor Strange."

"Huh," Narrator Negi said. "So _that's_ where I got the idea father was also a doctor. Wow, it's a good thing I decided not to go to medical school..."

"Father's a doctor?" Chibi-Negi asked, awed.

Nekane missed the question. "When someone was in trouble, he'd swoop in, save them, and then go away to save someone else!"

"Ah!" Chibi-Negi cheerfully said. "So that's why he's never at home!"

"Yes, yes!" Nekane nodded. "Isn't that just cool?"

"Two peas in a pod, I see," Chisame observed.

"Sensei, you're aware this is justification for child abandonment, aren't you?" Rito argued. "I mean, my parents left Mikan and I alone through most of our childhoods, but we never tried to make excuses for them! They were just heartless workaholics probably in affairs with their colleagues and that was it!"

 _In the owner right portion of the screen, a small insert image showed a confused Takamachi Nanoha. "Huh? What am I doing here? Shouldn't I be sneezing instead? I mean, I don't really have anything funny to add…"_

"I feel bad for you then Yuuki-san, but my father was NOT like that!" Narrator Negi protested.

"Sorry, but I think I've gotta side with Rito-chan here, Negi-kun," Haruna piped in. "My father is a hero himself, the God of Martial Arts, Slayer of the Dragon God, peerless harem hero and conqueror of female hearts everywhere, and yet he'd never spend more than a weekend away from home. Granted, I think most of the time it was Auntie Kasumi's cooking pulling him back, but—"

"No offense, Haruna-san, but I'm sure my father conquered even more female hearts," Narrator Negi murmured. "He was called the Thousand Master after all! Chamo said so. You'd agree, wouldn't you, Master?"

"Why are you asking me that, you idiot?!" Evangeline growled.

An old man with a long white beard, wearing a long gray robe and a pointy wizard's hat, came across Chibi-Negi and Nekane walking along the street, having overheard their conversation. "Yes, yes," he said, "but what good did that do him? He died alone, after pushing himself too far, and whoever thanked him for it? No one! Ptooie, what a fool he was! That idiot owed me money!"

"Wow, Negi-kun, your childhood was rough," Makie gulped. "Gandalf made cruel fun of your father! And Gandalf was real!"

"That's no Gandalf, that's one of our neighbors!" Narrator Negi pointed out.

"He sure looks like Gandalf, except he's a dick, instead of enjoying them," Chisame snorted.

"Leave Sir Ian Mc Kellen's preferences out of this, he's more than earned that!" Haruna retorted.

 _In the lower right portion of the screen, a small insert image of Asuna appeared. "Huh? Wait, I thought this part was reserved for people who don't actually show up in the story? Well, yes, I approve that message, but why am **I** here instead of Magneto-san? What do you mean that's just wishful subtext, it was right there in the movies you– "_

"Will you stop treating Negi-sensei's tragic childhood like an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000!?" Ayaka cried.

"Wow, Iinchou," Haruna was impressed, "that sure is some serious nerd cred. Who'd have thought it..."

"I would have thought she'd go for Rifftrax," Chisame said.

"Chizuru-san likes it, okay?! Chizuru-san has ecclectic tastes!"

"Now, now, Mr, Stan, please," Nekane was telling Gandalf, "that's no way to talk in front of a child..."

"Screw Politeness, I'm a Senior Citizen!" Gandalf said.

"You're fifty, you're just a lifetime smoker with bad shaving habits," Nekane said.

"My father died?" Chibi-Negi asked. "What does that mean, Mr. Stan, Sir?"

"It means you'll never see him again," Gandalf explained. "He went away forever, poof, begone, finito. That's what death means! Going to sleep for all eternity, to never wake up! So long and thanks for all the fish! You're out of regenerations! Blackadder, it's time to go over the wall!"

Chibi-Negi reeled, visibly shaken by that revelation, and Narrator Negi fell into a really uncomfortable silence at the same time. So did his friends, really, since there was no amused commentary any of them could make from the scene of a child learning about death. Maybe we should have written Chachazero into this scene after all.

As Chibi-Negi began sobbing softly to himself, with Nekane crouching down to hug him firmly, the girls' eyes began watering, even Evangeline, although she had turned around while pretending she was studying a store's window and the dresses there. Rito, who had been perfectly willing to take cheap shots at his alleged romantic rival's parental abandonment moments ago, was tearing up while astral snot oozed down his nose, and Keiichi rubbed his eyes with the back of a hand while reminding himself to call his parents and Megumi and remind them he loved them right after leaving the resort. Itoshiki, in the meantime, had simply, somehow, astrally hung himself from a nearby lampost.

"W-Well," Nekane was saying at the moment, rather awkwardly, "we don't actually know if he's dead, Negi. They never found his body, so he could be still alive... as a matter of fact, I'm sure he is! He was, no, is too strong to have died! I'm pretty sure he's still out there, saving people everywhere!"

"R-Really?" Chibi-Negi sniffled, looking up at her hopefully. "Then, then, if I'm ever in danger, he will come to save me as well?"

Nekane grew a gigantic sweatdrop, as her Big Sister Dread Sense went into red overdrive. "Um... yeah, maybe, I suppose..."

"You're really dumb, aren't you!" another, squeaky and high pitched voice said from somewhere close. It was squeaky and high pitched enough to make Makie sound like James Earl Jones in comparison. Squeaky and high pitched enough Squirrel Girl would have tried to recruit its owner in the spot. Yes. Squeaky and high pitched.

The Ala Alba members, bristling with near murderous shared fury at that outrage, looked in the direction of the voice, and most of them, the girls at least, barely felt any more placated when they saw the voice came from a girl with red hair in twintails, just as short as Chibi-Negi. They could feel a rival when they saw her, after all.

"No one can meet someone who's dead!" the tiny girl said, with a thick Russian accent that years of studying at Merdiana hadn't tempered yet. "You're the son of the Thousand Master and you didn't know that?!"

"Liar! Liar! Liar!" Oshizu and Sayo chanted and booed.

"Darn stupid Russkies!" Makie shook a fist angrily, channeling her inner Frank Stallone.

"I thought you had said they were darn good at making guns?" Yuuna asked her.

"Yeah, but only at that and getting drunk! Boo, Russkies! Boo, Russkie Girl!"

"Oh, good morning, Anya," Nekane said, sweetly smiling down at the little girl in a way that Chisame thought was perhaps a little bit too flowery and loving for someone who was bullying her little brother figure.

"That's not true!" Chibi-Negi pouted, firmly standing his ground against the Russkie. "My father will come for me!"

"You're an idiot!" Anya cried at him. "You've just been told what 'death' means, and you don't get it yet!"

"Don't fight, don't fight..." Nekane begged, in a way all to reminiscent of Negi's.

"That's Anya Cocolova, my childhood best friend," Narrator Negi explained. "She's one year older than me, and we graduated together. I think I've already told you two about her, Chisame, Satomi-san...?"

"That socio-culturally insensitive pygmy is someone you still regard as your friend, Sensei?!" a scandalized Hakase asked. "I was under the impression she was your sworn enemy! The Susie Derkins to your Calvin!"

"What...? No! Whatever gave you that impression?" he asked.

"Well, for starters, all your recollections about unpleasant childhood incidents where she'd question your personal worth, your developing manhood, I mean, in the non-venereal sense, and your intelligence, not to mention all the acts of physical violence she'd inflict upon you because of the smallest perceived slights..." Satomi argued.

"How would you of all people know that reference?" Chisame asked.

"We have comic strips about it all over the labs, okay? I've read a few."

"You realize Susie and Calvin have romantic undertones, right?" Yuuna said.

"Unpleasant? Those were some of my most cherished childhood memories!" Negi gasped. "Why, every PE I'm always reminded of how we'd play football and she'd pull the ball away at the last minute so I'd miss, it was hilarious."

"So now he's Charlie Brown too?" Satomi said. "And yes, we have those comic strips in the lab too!"

"Okay," Misa rubbed her astral temples, "now I'm starting to get why he'd enjoy living with Chisame and studying under Eva..."

"HEY!" Chisame and Eva said.

By now, the heated discussion between the children was cut short by Anya slamming a star-tipped wand into Negi's hands. "Here! If you really are going to be a strong mage like him, you'll need this!"

"Eh?" Chibi-Negi blinked. "Why?"

"S-Stupid, I'm going to magical school next year, why don't you go too?" Anya sputtered. "This is a beginner's practice wand. With it, if you study hard, you might become a man like your father! As long as you practice hard, a lot, just like I'll be doing!"

"Oh God, this is so disgusting," Chisame sneered, pointing at the blush on Anya's cheeks. "Just look at that little troll! She's such a freaking Tsundere! How I hate Tsundere, with their stupid 'I, I, I don't want to help you but I'll do it anyway, because I take pity on you, not because I like you or anything!' crap act! They make me so mad, I'd like to vomit on them!"

"Yeah, for once we agree on something, Hasegawa Chisame," Evangeline gruffly said. "Those women are just the saddest and the worst! And do you notice how they're all lolis a lot of the time? It's really disgusting."

"..." everyone else, even Narrator Negi, said, looking directly at them.

"What?!" Chisame finally snarled at them, while Eva continued fuming obliviously.

"…" they continued to say, even Narrator Negi.

"…so, back to the MST fic of Negi-kun's childhood," Makie suggested.

"Okay, how do YOU know that reference?" Haruna had to ask.

"Homura-mama writes them about Kamen Rider episodes, okay? Can we not talk about it, please?"

* * *

 **The Missing Link.**

This was the moment we had all been waiting for, most of us with dread. The girls had probably had more time to prepare for it, carefully redacted messages to their own respective factions included; since I wasn't present when we lost Kugimiya-kun's full attention, I was left in a disadvantageous situation that earned me a severe warning from my superiors, but what could I have possibly done? If they wanted an agent who could be present at all times around Kugimiya-kun, even at the female baths, then they should have commissioned a female in the first place. It just couldn't be helped, and they know it as well as I do.

They still have to unleash their frustrations, and even their fear, on someone, and that someone cannot be anyone but me. I understand that, and it doesn't infuriate me, but that doesn't mean I have to like it either.

"Where's Kugimiya-san?" Kyon-san asks, his chin resting on his fist and his elbow resting on the meeting table, and we all steel ourselves inside, knowing the moment can't be delayed anymore. All but Haruhi, who simply flows along with it naturally, as if she still had the control, which I suppose makes sense, since from Kyon-san's perspective, she actually has it, and that's what counts, or so we hope, at least. She only smiles, most likely unconcerned, and otherwise she's the best damn actress I've ever seen, because nothing in her posture or reply betrays any insecurity. I don't want to consider the possibility it's not an act because it's far too disturbing and depressing both.

"Oh, she'll be spending some time with the English Research Society from now on, and she'll be probably be missing on some meetings for the foreseeable future. She's our mole there, you know, and that's an important role. Who knows what sort of strange, subversive, top hush-hush stuff those weirdos are carrying on behind closed doors! But I'm sure Kugimin will survive it and make me proud. She's far stronger than she looks! But don't even think of telling her that, Kyon! I don't want her to get overconfident because of your big mouth!"

"Eh," he vaguely replies, not looking at her. "Makes sense, I guess. They're her classmates and age peers for the most part. Maybe she fits better there than here."

And he falls silent as was his custom, although you know he's deep in complex and sophisticated inner debate all the while. But nothing else happens, not even a little bit of reality seems to crumble around us, and you can hear Asahina-san breathing easier now. For now, the world doesn't seem to have been made any less special, no sudden and progressively retroactively alteration to it that surgically removes one little element of fantastic wonder.

Haruhi nods and begins passing around the sheets with our duties for the weekend, and I have to wonder whether Kyon-san had just lost interest in Kugimiya-kun, if he only ever regarded her as a fleeting curiosity, an experiment to try before losing track of her and returning to the safe boundaries of the familiar Brigade's lineup. His stoic expression shows no disappointment, no desire to ask for her return, and to some level, I must say I feel slightly let down. I sort of liked Kugimiya-kun. Well, like a little sister of sorts, since I don't swing that way, but still. She was likable and agreeable, and that's a rarity around here. Perhaps she even was sane.

Still, I figure we can keep on living without her.

… Oh, did I just think that? Oh, now we're sure to be screwed.

* * *

The scenery suddenly changed, and now Ala Alba stood within a log cabin, where, standing in a wide empty room, Chibi-Negi played his practice wand, holding it in his hand and shouting over and over, "Practe Bigi Nari! Practe Bigi Nari!" to no effect, only to end up panting and looking at the wand. "Ah! I think I just saw something coming out...?" he wondered aloud.

Then, seemingly satisfied, he walked over to a small table where he began drawing a rather grotesque doodle of a man holding a staff, while singing horribly off-key, _"When you are in trouble, he appears! From somewhere or another, he appears! Mister Trouble never hangs around, when he hears this Mighty sound. 'Here I come to save the day!' When there's something strange, in the neighborhood, who you going to call? Thousand-Master!"_

"... I've never liked that song, sorry to say," Sayo quietly mused. "Not Mighty Mouse's, but you know, the other one."

The scene shifted once more, and now they saw Negi standing on a grassy field, approaching a huge bulldog tied to a tree, and then zapping his rope with the little wand in his hand, only to be immediately chased around by the barking, furious animal, while waving his arms up and shouting, "Ah! Father, Father, Thousand Master, help me!"

"AAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE! DOG...!" Oshizu wailed, rushing to hide behind Sayo, cowering and shaking.

"Ah ha ha ha, how cute, just look at him..." Yuuna laughed.

"Pfft, at that age I was throwing myself at rottweilers," Itoshiki observed. "Negi-sensei, I must say I'm disappointed! You only were half-trying!"

"He wasn't trying to actually kill himself, moron!" Evangeline snapped at him.

"Well, yeah, about that..." Chisame said, pointing at a montage of events now displaying before them in a fairly accelerated fashion. They showed Chibi-Negi performing a wide variety of increasingly dangerous and self-destructive acts; trying to taunt a visiting Waver Velvet's Terminator Maid Mystic Code to attack him, eating poprocks and diet coke, running around with scissors, going swim after eating without stretching, trying to summon Bloody Mary (which worked, but she just developed a crush on him), giving himself brain freeze, spray painting 'Emperor Charles sucks' on a wall and then running away from a squadron of sinister black-clad Imperial Guards, putting on a copper pot and wearing trashcan armor while standing on top of a hill in the middle of a thunder storm yelling that all gods were 'barstuds', attempting to read Twilight only to end up running around screaming about his eyes hurting, standing in a bucket of water while watching 'Jaws', sitting in a bathtub after watching 'Ghostbusters 2', picking on a fight with a much bigger older boy with spiky black hair and wearing a black and red striped T-shirt (and his just as gnarly looking dog, mutt and bully simply pummeling him to a pulp), watching a cursed video (Sadako thought he was cute too) and trying to sneeze with his eyes open.

"... very well," an impressed Itoshiki allowed, while Rito, Sora, Ai, Ayaka, Misora and Madoka covered their mouths in horror, and Sayo and Oshizu just plain fainted. "I regret ever having doubted you, Sensei."

"Apology fully accepted, Sensei," Narrator Negi amicably said.

Now Chibi Negi sat under a tree, visibly crestfallen. "Oiiiii, nothing works," he lamented. "Maybe it's not enough danger for a hero that great...?"

And then he looked towards a nearby icy river, and everyone but Lala really grew worried, eyebrows extremely raised.

"Why are you reacting that way?" Lala asked, noticing their gasps of apprehension. "He's only going to take a refreshing swim! Look at how happy he is while jumping in...! Oh," she added, while watching the rest of the scene unfolding before them. "Um. Ah. Earth children are really frail, aren't they? Now I understand why Mikan rejected my invitation last week..."

"Good thing Konoka and Setsuna aren't here," Chisame commented.

The scene was now set in a small hospital room in the countryside, where a hysterical Nekane was pushing her way in, sending nurses, doctors and orderlies even thrice as big as herself flying aside without a second thought. "NEGI! Negi, what happened to you?! Are you okay, Negi?!"

"Calm down, lass," said Old Man Stan, stan-ding next to the bedridden Negi, with a giant sweatdrop attached to his wizard hat. "It's nothing, he just jumped into the river and nearly drowned, that's all. Suicidal kids nowadays don't know how easy they have it! Back in my day, we had to walk five hours in the snow to reach our frozen rivers, and then we'd have to fight the hungry jackalopes by the riverbank! I haven't seen a jackalope in years, I think the bloody hunters wiped them all, a real shame... There was no meat as tasty as that of the Emperor Jackalope, well seasoned with a—"

"Negi!" the tearful Nekane sent him flying aside too, to stand by her cousin and gently squeeze his tiny, cold hand. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?!"

He coughed oh so cutely and said, "Because... if I put myself into danger, my father will come and save me... because that's what heroes said, you said it yourself..."

Nekane swallowed in abject terror, and then cried while shaking her head. "Please don't say that ever again! And please don't do anything like this either! You're going to kill me, Negi, because if you ever die, so will I...!"

Ayaka had descended into uncontrollable crying, and Chachamaru looked on the verge of breaking down into a full Blue Screen Of Death. The cheerleaders and Hakase were supporting each other to share a long good cry, and Rito and Keiichi had to gather manly forces between them to stop their waterworks from breaking out, keeping Bro Fists together while also keeping their bare hips from touching each other. Itoshiki's astral form had simply hung itself from the ceiling's fan.

Chibi-Negi gulped weakly and stroked Nekane's cheek as she sobbed on him. "I'm sorry, I won't do it again, Sister..." he promised. "So please don't cry..."

"And I stuck to my promise, too!" Narrator Negi proudly said. "From then on, I never did anything to place myself at risk of being killed ever again! Until I arrived to Mahora, I suppose," he hastily added before Chisame could beat him to it. "But I'm sure it doesn't count, because it's not the same things I did before, so it's technically not 'again'… "

Chisame snorted at that perfectly good missed chance to snipe at his idiocy, and conceded, "So, that stopped your attempts to be a drama queen to lure your old man out, then. Well, I suppose looking for him yourself instead of dumbly baiting him makes marginally more sense..."

"Well, yes, about that..." Narrator Negi awkwardlyfully said.

The scene went into a new change of scenery, now showing Chibi-Negi fully dressed in a concealing black hooded cloak and white skull mask, and sneaking up on a little freckled girl with braids in the street. He cackled a dumb "Fu-fu-fu!" evil laugh, raised an arm dramatically, and then... poked the girl's lovable poodle in the nose with a finger. Upon which the lovely dog bit him on a knee. "AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!"

"I had decided not to place myself in danger anymore," Narrator Negi, well, narrated, as everyone stared dumbfounded at his Chibi self jumping in place on one foot while holding his knee. "But I still was determined to attract my father's attention, so I resorted to the other thing that calls superheroes out, besides innocents in danger... _**supervillainy!"**_ he grandiosely finished.

"No wonder he drinks up everything you teach him," Skuld said to Evangeline.

Next came a montage of Chibi-Evil-Negi performing a wide variety of dastardly deeds all across town. These included trembingly flipping off to a litter of kittens then promptly and tearfully apologizing to them; throwing a brick into a house's window, right before being shooed away by the demolition crew about to hit the building with a wrecking ball; writing graffiti with a piece of chalk on a chalkboard; shattering Old Man Stan's cup... right after buying him a much finer and more expensive one (Gandalf had just shaken his head and walked away muttering); stepping on the grass at the park right next to the 'Keep ff The Grass' sign... only to find out he'd just stepped on dog poo; laughing loudly at his elders, which happened to be clowns in a traveling troupe; taking candy from a baby, only to end up getting his ass kicked when the baby started biting him; tricking someone into watching a cursed video tape (he gave the tape to Bloody Mary, and she and Sadako hit it off), and theatrically threaten the same bigger boy with the striped shirt and the ugly dog, only to be pummeled by them again.

"Ah, Dennis and Gnasher," Negi sighed fondly. "Poor, poor Dennis and Gnasher... but I think I'm getting ahead of the facts. I sort of miss them now, to be honest."

"I'm sure," Skuld flatly observed, "at least one of those evil schemes was literally stolen from Belldandy that one time she had to become a demon. How... dastardly from you."

"He actually regressed," Chisame said, amazed. "He went from actual painted graffiti on the wall to writing in chalk!"

"Thank you," Narrator Negi said, "but I was, by then, convinced I was being a failure at supervillainy. That greatly concerned me, because while great heroes can have great villains for relatives, who has ever heard of a great hero having a loser villain in their family? I decided I had to step my game up..."

Chibi-Negi, rising from the scene of his latest brutal beating, ran the back of a hand over his bleeding mouth, savored his blood thoughtfully, and pulled his hood back up to obscure his face, while grimly saying, "Let's get dangerous."

"Oh, I remember that now," Narrator Negi said. "I think Nekane once told me that was a favored phrase of one of Father's old friends, so it seemed to be fitting, then. As you'll see, it was at this point that I decided to put all of my efforts into actual supervillainy, and stop fooling around..."

Eva snorted. "Yeah, sure, let's see you— Hoooooleeeeeee!" her jaw, just like everybody else's, went askew as she saw what happened next.

The display now featured Chibi-Evil-Negi standing on top of a large pile of beaten and tightly tied bodies before the local City Hall, with a glint in his eye, the rest of his face still in the blackness of the hood. Those who lay battered under him included several gentlemen in fine suits and looking strikingly like Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Timothy Dalton, Daniel Craig and Roger Moore; a fellow very similar to Mike Myers with glasses, bad teeth and a colorful mod suit; a whole lot of Bobbies; a couple remarkably reminiscent of Patrick Macnee and Diana Rigg; a bipedal white mouse in a just as white jumpsuit and a black eyepatch, plus a much shorter bipedal gopher or mole with glasses; a pair of people who looked like Benedict Cumberbatch, one with a beard; a man that looked like a young Bilbo Baggins; a Scottish-looking older gentleman with monstrously huge eyebrows; and, for some reason, superheroes Union Jack, Captain Britain, Nightcrawler, the Phoenix (although to be fair, at least not the cosmically genocidal one), Colossus, Meggan and Shadowcat, while Lockeed the Dragon simply threw his hands up and walked away muttering in disgust.

"Nye-he-he-he!" Chibi-Evil-Negi let out a particularly dorky and non threatening evil laugh, placing a pinky by his mouth. "Where are you, then, Thousand Master? Come forth, or I shall take England hostage... for... a... thousand euros! Nye-he-he-he!" he laughed dorkly again.

"..." Ala Alba said.

"That," Narrator Negi said, "was before the Brexit supporters proved to be far more evil villains, outlawed the euro, and plunged our country into misery. Bloody Brexit," he said, uncharacteristically bitter.

It was at this point that a very angry looking Nekane stomped into the scene, closely followed by a piping mad Anya, and Chibi-Evil-Negi gasped in shock and terror, trying to back away. Nekane simply walked all over the fallen heroes, unwillingly sinking a heel into Danger Mouse's eyepatch as she did so, grabbed Negi, and pulled him back down, sitting on the sidewalk, putting him on his stomach on her lap, and pulling his pants and Bob the Builder boxers down to start spanking his bottom, while Anya nodded sternly, arms folded.

"And _that_ was when I decided to stop doing stupid things to summon my Father," Narrator Negi said, completely embarrassed. "I'm not proud of those days, and I'm sorry you had to see this part of me. Still, I swear I _did_ turn a whole new leaf afterwards... although I believe Scotland Yard still has that file on me… "

"Marry us," Haruna said.

Rito violently choke in his astral saliva. "I BEG YOUR PARDON?!-!?"

"Negi-kun!" Haruna shook a fist at the skies. "It is your destiny! Join us, and I will complete your training! With our combined strength, we can end Dogboy's hold on Nodoka, and bring proper order to librarian unity! We can rule the galaxy together, as husband and wives! Come with us! It is the only way!"

"YOU, YOU MEAN LIKE HUSBANDS AND WIVES, AT LEAST?!-?!" Rito panicked.

"I think she means you'll be one of the wives, not that you will be left out altogether, Rito," Lala reassured him while Haruna nodded vigorously.

"Oh, well," the older boy sighed. "That's better, I guess, for a moment you had me— NO, THAT ISN'T ANY BETTER AT ALL!"

Lala hummed in contemplation. "Technically, we already rule most of the galaxy, but I suppose we always could topple Darkseid, the Shi'ar, the Jurai and all the others, and maybe that way Daddy will give us the okay..."

"Ah, ha, ha, I'm sorry, what...?" Narrator Negi asked, clearly awkward about the whole tangent.

Then, however, Evangeline was on Haruna's face, her eyes pools of the deepest black with terrifying golden pupils. _**"Mine..."**_ she ominously crooned on the mangaka's nose, making her cringe.

"Ah, um..." Narrator Negi gulped uneasily. "Well, anyway, shortly after that, there came the night when... well, our village was attacked... Not by me this time, I swear..."

"..." Ala Alba said.

"I'm serious! I only did that once! And gave it back right away after I found out how much paperwork was involved!"

* * *

The scene changed again, this time to Chibi-Negi happily making crude-looking snowmen in a field, still singing to himself, and just as off-key as ever, _"When you get in trouble he appears, from somewhere or another he appears. One, two, the Thousand Master's coming to you, three, four, better open your door..."_

For some reason, the snowmen were arrayed as if witnessing a horrific traffic accidnet, snow-mouths agape, as a little snow child cried over the corpse of it's snow mommy, and a snow daddy shook it's fist at a snow car speeding away.

"Did you happen to discover _Calvin and Hobbes_ at this age sensei?" Haruna asked.

"Why, yes," Narrator Negi said, surprised. "How did you know?"

"Artist's intuition." Then he looked up as the sound of something zooming loudly through the air high above him caught on his attention, and Ala Alba's as well. "Huh? What's that?" he innocently wondered. It had seemed to be a large flock of huge winged beings, but they had flown so high, little but their general figures could be divined.

"Are those Parademons, the dog soldiers of Apokolips?" Lala wondered, frowning. "Because they sure looked like Parademons..."

"Not quite," Narrator Negi said, dead serious. His Chibi self then let out a cry as the village in the horizon suddenly was enveloped by a wide red halo arching all over it, and everyone in the visiting party but Evangeline and Lala gasped, recoiling at the sight.

Chibi-Negi gasped in sudden, understandable fear, getting up and running towards the village as fast as his short legs would allow, whipping his wand out. "Nekane!" he cried. "Nekane, wait for me! Hold on, I'll save you!"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..." Sakurako chewed on her lower lip as she raced after the others following Chibi-Negi's trail, Evangeline and Chachamaru leading by swiftly flying with completely serious expressions, and Misora's astral form carrying Cocone's on her back, mostly because of force of habit rather than any practical reason. "I don't have a good feeling about this at all...!"

The party's run was, for once, filled with naught but silence, not even Haruna cracking wise during their rush to the quickly rising pillars of flame. Despite the ridiculously girly and clumsy way Sora ran, complete with pinky fingers instinctively raised, there was no levity in their hurry, and what they saw upon reaching the town's limits more than justified the dread in their expectations.

The village was burning all over while winged gargoyles and hissing hellspawn descending upon it, chasing fleeing, terrified civilians out of their houses, and directly confronting the mages armed with wands, staffs, and the occasional shotgun and high powered tazer because dammit, they were mages, not magi, they knew how to use muggle technology. But mundane weapons and arcane defenses worked all the same, which was to say very well, but not for very long. The demons would invariably overpower whoever was attacking them, absorbing their bullets and spells alike with sheet numbers and the occasional fleeting flinches of pain followed by mocking laughter. Then they would blast the humans with beams that would instantly turn them into stone statues, and Chisame, Yuuna, Makie, the cheerleaders, Rito and Keiichi all gasped in shock. Sayo and Oshizu, again, fainted on each other, while Sora and Ai wobbled in place, taking hands to their respective mouths. Itoshiki simply stood still and rooted to the ground, paralyzed enough to not even attempt to throw himself into the fires diminutive red trolls and imps were spreading across the streets and avenues while leaping off the bigger demons' backs.

Eyes glowing green, Chachamaru automatically readied the energy guns in her arms and shot at the nearest swarm of demons raiding the place, but her beams simply went through them as if they were nothing. Evangeline shook her head somberly, and then silently looked at the bawling child trying to make his way to his house.

"It's..." a trembling Misora gasped, "just like... the trip to Kyoto... Ah! Negi-kun! No!" she yelped, while the Chibi stumbled and fell on his butt, his path blocked by the arrival of a tattooed, shirtless behemoth with a brutish animal face, four gigantic fangs protruding from his wide, crooked grin.

"You..." the towering demon boomed, looking down at the terrified child and seeming to recognize, pulling an oversized fist back as if to squash him. "You the one! Me get bonus!"

"Negi-sensei!" Ayaka cried, suddenly appearing between child and monster, arms spread wide, fully willing to receive the full blunt of the attack. "Run, please! Run—!"

Naturally, the fist simply passed right through her without hurting her, but still stopped before being able to crush Negi. Because somebody else had just materialized between them, easily blocking the punch with a hand many, many times smaller, although by no means small for human standards. Ala Alba could hear, even over the screams of the crowd and the ever present creeping of the fires, the impressed, long drawn air intake of the disembodied Negi, and also the almost as loud strangled noise coming out of Evangeline, who had taken a step back, eyes wide. A tall, lean, extremely handsome red-haired young man holding a familiar wooden staff was pushing the demon back, and quickly threw him back through several buildings, in a seemingly effortless display of power that made most of the girls weak in the knees.

"Nagi-san..." Itoshiki weakly mouthed out, long cherished memories of similar feats witnessed elsewhere coming back to him. Evangeline's astral body actually was flushing a few faint shades of scarlet now, as her mouth simply seemed to move in its own accord without making any sound, something dripping down her legs.

The tiny Negi sobbed, looking up at his savior through eyes overflowing with tears. "Wh-When..." he stammered, with a faltering, shaky voice. The man smiled at him, although most of his face was shadowed by the descending evening, and framed by the echoes of the flames in the buildings.

Gently, he chanted for the child, _"When you get in trouble he appears, from somewhere or another he appears..."_

"Th-Tha-That's..." Misa barely could weave the words together.

"The Thousand Master," Chisame confirmed, taking a note of how much more serious he acted now, compared to the day when he had cursed Evangeline. "Negi's father."

"Oh, oh, oh my..." Sora gulped, massaging her dry throat down with her fingers.

And then, the demons gathered across the streets noticed the new arrival, and every last one of them left what they were doing to head quickly towards the red-haired man, assaulting him from all sides, clubs, axes and blades prepared. They outnumbered him by several dozens, and their combined sizes absolutely dwarfed him. But he never hesitated, never gave a step back. He simply charged ahead to meet those who had come the closest yet, and began unleashing a savage yet precise fury of relentless physical strikes upon them, each blown dispatching several demons back at a time, the booming sounds of the impacts sending shockwaves in all directions, forcing Chibi-Negi to cover his ears and cry. Even Lala was impressed by now, inwardly comparing what she was watching to that very first instance she had seen of her own father cutting through a battlefield.

Before the rest of Ala Alba could process what they were seeing, the Thousand Master had spun around to attack the demons approaching him and Negi from another flank, this time keeping them at bay with a barrage of devastating kicks that pushed them all many feet back. No move wasted, he defended Negi from all side, swinging fiercely with his staff in a circle range, buying themselves enough breathing room as for what would happen next.

Drawing in a deep breath, the man gathered power in a fist, which manifested itself as a crackling and buzzing field of electromagnetic magic enveloping his hand, and quickly expanding and pulsing as if gifted with a life of its own. Then the Master charged forward with it; and every demon in its path was cleanly outright blown past the village's boundaries and into the snowy hills, landing into the solid bedrock with gigantic explosions that buried them under massive avalanches. The resulting thunder was so powerful it threw everyone in Ala Alba off balance, and Chisame winced in pain, trying to shield her ears with both hands.

When the dust of the resulting explosions settled down, leaving a gentle snowfall fluttering over the destroyed streets, Nagi Springfield stood, scowling, over a pile of bruised, twisted demons that barely remained alive, weakly whining in pain, and holding a tall, muscular horned beast by the throat. The demonic fiend guffawed a choking, dry laughter, as his red eyes met Nagi's inhuman looking ones.

"So," the demon said, "the rumors were true, then... And this has happened to you. Heh. At this point, aren't you far more of a monster than us, Mage of the—"

With a guttural snarl, Nagi cut him short by crushing the demon's windpipe in his hand, the hellspawn's physical form crumbling into dust as his true essence returned to Nifelheim, probably to have a lot to boast about at bars for a few centuries. But of course, Ala Alba was unaware of that. All they were seeing was a scene that had even Haruna wordless and trembling, rattled to their cores.

Of course, it also had been more than what the younger Negi could take, as his emotions shifted from awe into a primal, despairing fear, and he turned around and began running away from his father, crying for his sister despite the vigorous scream of "Negi! Wait!" coming from the mighty figure of his rescuer.

* * *

 _"Fear is freedom! Subjugation is liberation! Contradiction is truth! Twilight is evil! Those are the facts of this world, and you will all surrender to them, you pigs in human clothing!"_

Suzushiro Haruka had sometimes, when by herself and in a fit of disappointment over the unruly masses she presided over, admitted to herself she admired the figure of Kiryuin Satsuki, as she had read the reports about her and her Honnouji Academy regime. She couldn't help but wonder at how she'd taken a school on the verge of complete collapse by anarchy and turned it, in the span of a few years, into the school with the smallest level of abandonment in all of Japan.

Mahora's students loved to gossip about Honnouji whenever they weren't too afraid to invoke its name, and it always was to compare it to a prison, or possibly to a post-apocalyptic child abuse gladiatorial novel, but all the while Haruka was sure they exaggerated, as they were prone to do. She even suspected the Headmaster had been in the wrong when he expelled her all those years ago, although naturally, she never would say it out loud out of respect for her elder and superior. Still, Haruka sometimes would muse on Mahora probably being far better if Kiryuin had been its Student Council President instead of Fujino (though she thought that of most people getting the job instead of Fujino, even Misora). She had sounded like someone Haruka wouldn't mind serving under, and perhaps Ala Alba could have used her discipline as well.

Today, she had been convinced otherwise.

The bulletproof glass elevator she, Fujino and Gamagoori were at had the capacity for eight people at once, but the young man was gigantic enough the three of them were tightly cramped inside, his arms folded behind his back, his square chin held high, his austere expression playing silent tribute to the tall, mighty figure seen standing above the masses gathered below. On top of another of the tall arcs carved in granite that peppered the Honnouji landscape, leading into one of the campus' major boulevards, the tall and curvaceous teenager in perfect stark white addressed her people, holding a sharp sword between her hands, her fingers tightly clamped on the handle, the tip sunk into the stone. Her extremely long black hair floated in the breeze behind her, adding to the striking imagery of undeniably feminine yet harshly militaristic authority she exuded, even from several streets away. "She sounds just like you, Haruka-han," Fujino quietly contemplated at some point of the long, long trip up the tallest tower in the campus, an architectonic marvel that dwarfed every other building in sight.

Haruka gave her longtime rival a glare. "Excuse me?"

"Your voices are pretty much identical," Shizuru explained calmly, studying the majestic Amazon addressing her subjects. From up there, Shizuru also could see the apprehension and uncertainty on their faces, and she decided she did not like that at all. "Also, it seems she isn't using speakers. I'm impressed."

"Through a strict training from childhood, paired up with the perfect diet and the best diction lessons the Kiryuin fortune could pay, Satsuki-sama developed her voice to physical extremes only matched by her fighting prowess," Gamagoori reverently revealed, with his eyes solemnly closed, as if savoring the rich texture of each word. "Whenever Kiryuin Satsuki speaks, no matter where, Honnouji listens, and all of its hearts become one."

"Well," Shizuru simply said, although her tone was no less polite than before, "she is to be congratulated on that, then."

Then she saw a tiny speck carrying an instrument that was much larger than itself stepping out of the crowd of students to defiantly shout something at the President, who seemed to react in a far from impressed fashion. Shizuru squinted, managing to see the speck was clad in an outdated girl's school uniform that was as black as her short, boyish hair; from what Fujino could see, her figure was not bad at all, not that different from Natsuki's. But what intrigued her the most was the thing the speck was holding; maybe it was a trick the distance was playing on her ears, but it almost looked like half of a gigantic pair of red scissors. "Gamagoori-san?" she asked. "Who's that?"

Gamagoori craned his thick bull's neck ahead, squinting as well, before snorting with contempt on the glass wall. "Nothing. Just some witless outsider, challenging Satsuki-sama to a duel. It happens often to people of her stature, mostly from Nerima, and once this strange person from America. You don't need to concern yourselves with such riffraff."

And he returned to his prior confident position, closing his eyes again, until moments later, before Shizuru had decided what to think about the whole complicated subject, the elevator's doors went open and Gamagoori martially stepped out, leading them down a narrow corridor flanked by framed portraits of prior Student Council members and relatives of the Kiryuin family, from what could be read on their inscriptions. Chopin softly resounded through the penthouse's audio system, soothing Shizuru's nerves but doing little for Haruka's, the blonde frequently running lingering fingers down the Pactio card tucked in her jacket's side pocket.

Before long, they had arrived to a massive black door; a middle aged butler had been waiting by its side, formally opening it for them. Gamagoori thanked with a brief nod as he stepped in with no hesitation, and the Mahora girls simply followed him in, right before the butler closed it again behind their backs.

* * *

Despite knowing it was pointless, the girls rushed after the little Negi, while Keiichi and Rito shared a sigh and shook their heads in unison before pulling Itoshiki from the flames he was throwing himself into, and then following the females down the street. Negi's father kept on shouting after him, and the child lost his footing and fell on his butt just as a tall, imposing figure rose before him, blocking his way. Ala Alba stopped and collectively gasped, recognizing the hideous face of the demon who had just appeared. Count Graf Wilhelm, in his inhuman appearance.

"Guh, guh, guh!" Chibi-Negi stammered, too afraid out of his mind to say anything coherent. "Guuuhhh!"

The Count tilted his horned head aside. "Well," he said, with the same rich, calmly cultured accent he'd used through his conversations with Ala Alba. "Now this is a fortunate finding." And he extended a hand forward, ready to blast the little boy, but before he could do so, Old Man Stan and Nekane jumped into his way, shielding Negi with open arms.

"Sister!" Negi gasped, trembling in place and trying to move further than that, to no avail.

Stan slammed his staff against the ground, making it quake and rumble, and loudly said, "You cannot pass!" The demon stood still, and a dead silence fell, other than the creeping of the fires. "I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Albion. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Nifelheim! Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass!"

"Why, yes. I read the books as well," the Count said, then opened his mouth widely and shot a great blast from it, one that hit Stan squarely in the middle of his body and face, and instantly turned him into a stone statue. As Nekane screamed for him, part of the impact also reached her lower section, grazing her legs but still turning them into rock.

The young woman let out a shriek of horror as her legs swayed and she fell, unbalanced, her legs shattering under her as she hit the ground and letting the rest of her plummet on the snow, where she promptly passed out.

"SISTER!" Chibi Negi yelled, promptly pulling himself back up, and seething madly at the demon, with burning eyes filled of hatred. Eerily, the older Negi's voice could be heard above his partners, also seething in much the same way, but with even more bitterness and rage, if such a thing was possible.

As the demon and the child moved inexorably towards each other, however, Nagi's voice could be heard again, chanting without a single piece of levity to it. **"O six pointed star and path of shadows. Put an end upon this spirit of evil!"**

The Count looked at him, alarmed, and recognized Nagi, or perhaps something else in him. "You!" he said. "You should have been—!"

Nagi, wordlessly, simply held a small bottle towards him, and an intense force pulled the demon within it, trapping him inside. Nagi sneered coldly and then tucked the bottle into the dark confines of his cloak before turning around to face Negi. The child stood his ground before his fallen cousin, visibly scared but determined to not let anyone else get close to her.

His father simply walked past him, gently, and crouched down next to Nekane, placing his hands on her leg stumps and whispering something Ala Alba could not hear, after which the petrifying effect creeping up her flesh stopped and was healed, as did the wounds where the skin, bone and muscle had been ruptured. Chibi-Negi drew in a deep, impressed breath as the man quietly stood back, then looked back at him.

"I'm sorry, Negi. I should have been here much earlier. I hope someday you'll be able to forgive me," he said, his voice an infinite ocean of calm sadness. "Uh, uh, uh, are, are—" the child gulped, hugging his wand to his chest.

"Negi. It's me," he softly said, reaching over to place a hand on his scalp and caress it tenderly. "My child, my soul, my life. I have no time left, and I regret that even more than my lateness. But Nekane will be okay. I stopped her petrification..."

"Eh?" Negi said, feeling a shiver down his spine. "T-Time for what?"

"Negi," the man said, the hand on his scalp now firmly keeping him at arm's lenght. "I know I have no real right to tell you this, but... I can't do anything else for you. Grow up strong, but above everything, grow up happy."

"Father!" the child tried to give a trembling step ahead. But the hand still kept him at a distance. The man shook his head sadly as he let Negi go. "No, Negi. It can't happen. I'm sorry. Tell your sisters I'm okay..."

The girls blinked as a single unity.

"Did he just say 'sisters'?" Yuuna asked.

"No, he said 'your sister'," Narrator Negi sighed.

"I'm pretty sure I heard 'sisters'," Sakurako disagreed.

"No, he definitely said 'your sister'," Narrator Negi insisted. "Who was there, you or me?"

"He said 'sisters' Negi, I have them and I know what 'sisters' sounds like," Lala said.

"Of course he didn't say that," Narrator Negi said, "because that would mean he had other children besides me, and the idea my family could keep that kind of secret from me is just plain, well, sorry to say it, ridiculous. Because it would mean Nekane's been hiding important things from me, and no offense to any of you, but Nekane is the most honest, sincere, open person I have ever—"

"Didn't you say you ran into some girl who said she was your sister?" Matoi said. "Just this week, remember?"

"He definitely said 'your sister'!" Negi cried loudly.

"Well, yeah, okay, sorry for doubting you," Chisame threw her hands up. "Sister. That's what we just heard. Yeah!"

"Y-Yes," Evangeline clenched a toothy, fake tense grin, an eyebrow quivering. "He only meant a single girl, and nothing else."

"I think my audio recording function works even in this form," Chachamaru said while Satomi's nearly flat chest puffed up with pride. "I could replay—"

"THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT, THANKS!" Evangeline and Narrator Negi snapped at the same time. "HE DEFINITELY SAID 'YOUR SISTER'!"

"But she isn't your sister anyway! She's your cousin!" Makie said, pointing at the unconscious Nekane.

Under other circumstances, Haruna would have pointed out the always intriguing and torridly alluring possibility of Nekane actually being Nagi's daughter as well, the result of a taboo passion between siblings-in-law, but the scene unfolding before her eyes was so sad, even she couldn't bring herself to it.

The hooded man was floating up, slowly vanishing in the cold and dark sky, amidst the lingering snowflakes in the breeze, as the tiny child ran after him as fast as he could, crying "FATHER! FATHER!" as if a cast member of the English dub of Voltes V. Until he tripped, fell on his face in the snow, and began bawling desperately. "FATHEEEEEEEER!" he cried, looking up at the sky, where there was no sign of him anymore.

The girls stared, aghast, at the shockingly pathetic and rattling scene.

"Is... Is this what runs through your mind all the time...?" Chisame asked, feeling like shaking for some reason.

"Only when I'm not teaching," the older Negi's voice said helpfully. "It's distracting when you try to teach. Although oddly, it actually helps your focus while training. It's what I dream when I have to sleep alone, too..."

Chisame never again kicked him out of the bed after that.

"It also was the subject of my first creative writing essay in school," Negi reminisced. "We learned things apart from magic, you know. Then it also was the subject of my first essay for psychiatric evaluation. I got an A!"

"An 'A'?" Misa doubted.

"My evaluator said he had never seen anyone like me. Weird thing, however, he quit one week after that..."

"Wait a second, though," Chisame realized with a blink. "You said your staff was a gift from your father, didn't you? But, he never handed it to you then, so that means you had to meet him again later..."

Right then, a certain bandaged staff dropped from the sky on Chibi-Negi's head, making him yelp and Ala Alba sweatdrop. Attached to it, as Chibi-Negi could see when he picked it up and the others leaned closer to get a good look, there was a note in the same handwriting found in Nagi's library map.

 _Use this to grow strong and happy. It'll never let you forget my love. Proud of you, Yours Awesomely._

Haruna sniffled. "Oh, Eva-chi...! Now I see why you could fall in love with that man...!"

"I KNOW WAYS TO KILL SOMEONE WHILE IN ASTRAL FORM YOU KNOW!"

* * *

There were three students sitting on large, comfortable couches around a reasonably wide and expensive looking coffee table, waiting for them when they walked in. The meeting room was much bigger than it had looked from the outside, and if anything, it looked like the throne room of an evil overlord more than anything else, complete with a great throne-like chair at the other end of it, on top of a short set of steps, overlooking the whole room advantageously. A large portrait of Kiryuin Satsuki, scowling fiercely at any visitors, hung over said throne, and Haruka and Shizuru's eyes shrank down to dots. Not even Suzumiya Haruhi had ever decorated a place with that level of megalomania. Probably only because of a lack of funds, but still.

"Ah," pleasantly, although with a quirky, strange little voice that was sort of hard on the ears, the petite girl with short pink hair sitting on one of the couches set her cup of tea down on the table, a pinky cutely raised. She was more 'pretty' than 'beautiful', although she still looked far more sophisticated and classically feminine than Sasaki Makie. She wore a white uniform typical of a school marching band, and she even had her marshall's baton by her side on the couch, not to mention the tall hat on her head, oddly decorated with a small ornament resembling a skull. Haruka mildly cringed at such a display of bad taste. "It was about time, Gamagoori-kun. I bet you were giving them the slow tour, weren't you?"

"It was the least I could do for guests of Satsuki-sama, Yokuzure," Gamagoori coldly replied, his gaze disapprovingly traveling over her and over the other two, especially the tall, lean boy with wild black hair who sat with his feet on the table, in a way much unlike his companions' formal postures, one that Haruka herself greatly disapproved of in a member of a Student Council. The other boy was even skinnier, with little of the firm muscle the relaxed and smirking young man possessed, and sat seemingly oblivious to the newcomers, absorbed in his laptop in a way that greatly reminded her of Chisame, or Katsuragi Keima with his pernicious portable galge. His jacket's collar was zipped all the way up, even covering the lower half of his face, including his mouth. And even his eyes were obscured by his thick glasses, giving him an extra air of sinister mystery. "Well? Don't stall, that's rude, introduce yourselves!"

Whether that was meant for the visitors, his partners, or all of them, was not clear, but the imperious tone in his growl still spurred Shizuru to quickly said, with a practiced bow and reverence. "Oh, our heartfelt apologies! The trip here was long, and we might be somewhat exhausted. I am Fujino Shizuru, representative of Mahora Academy, and with me comes Suzushiro Haruka-han, our Student Council's Vice President. It is our pleasure to be here with you today."

"L-Likewince," Haruka bowed a bit more stiff and clumsily, as Shizuru inwardly cursed her ancestors' memory. Couldn't she wait at least one full sentence without mispronouncing a word before these four?

The pink haired girl laughed brief and annoyingly with all the air of a grand dame. "There's no need to be that formal, President of Mahora, Fujino-san! It's not like we are strangers to each other, you already met Gamagoori-kun, and these two are hardly worth the effort."

At that, the delinquent in the uniform likely more valuable than himself simply snorted dismissively at the petite girl, but said nothing while Haruka and Shizuru sat down at a gesture of the pink haired beauty. Gamagoori simply moved to stand behind their seats, his shadow full covering them and the three who sat across them, like a living monolith from long gone ages.

"This is Sanageyama Uzu, Director of our Athletic Committee, and the nerd is our Director of Communications and Intelligence, Inumuta Houka. How are your families?" she inquired as the butler, who had somehow snuck in while no one was looking, despite Haruka never hearing the door opening again, pouring fragrant tea for them in fragile cups decorated with black butterfly motifs. "Has your father's health improved, President of Mahora?"

Shizuru nodded steadily before thanking the manservant with a subtle leaning of her head and a fleeting smile. "Yes, indeed, and thank you for asking, Jakuzure-san. Yours?"

Jakuzure Nonon simply shrugged with a faint smirk, seemingly more amused at Haruka's silent bewildered looks at the butler rather than anything else. "Not as well, I suppose, but it can't be helped. He was never too strong, anyway, and you know what they say about the fittest." There was a sigh, and a token shake of her head. "Doesn't matter, let us speak of more pleasant subjects. What do you think of our Academy? How much did you like it?"

Shizuru knew she had to answer that before Haruka did. As the daughters of prominent tycoons, their families and Jakuzure's had crossed paths many times before, but never on Jakuzure's own ground, and while Shizuru knew better than to foolishly charge through a mine field, Haruka-han was simply too honest for her own—

"I think," Haruka had outright blurted out before Shizuru could speak, her golden eyebrows furrowed, "it is a perfect example of an opressionating police state."

Aw, dammit.

Sanageyama raised an eyebrow, unsure on if that had been intended as a joke. "Opressionating?"

"Why, thank you, Vice President of Mahora," Jakuzure nodded, not sounding offended in the slightest. "We're glad our efforts to tame these former wastelands into a well policed machine of order are so evident, even for the lowest of standards."

Haruka was rather perplexed at that answer, and while she went over it to determine if it had been phrased as praise, insult, both or neither, Shizuru quickly grabbed onto the next narrow window of opportunity. "We understand perfectly that different schools have different needs. We'd never dream of questioning the wisdom of your approach to Honnouji's unique needs. It's just, well—"

"Actually," the male Chisame said, after unzipping the collar just enough as to unblock his mouth, and looking at them for the first time since their arrival, "we are of the line of thought that all of the Four Schools have the exact same needs, and eventually we all will come to the same conclusion. I'm sure you will understand, when the time is ripe."

Even the normally unflappable Fujino was stunned by that reply, once again allowing Haruka a chance to speak her mind. "Hey, now! What was that supposed to mean?! Is this a case on uncalled interfeasance?"

"Interfeasance?" an even more puzzled Sanageyama blinked, finally getting his feet off the table.

"It's not up to us," Gamagoori ominously said, his tone low and careful but no less powerful and overwhelming, "to state the terms of what there is to come, or when. If you wish to ask, you should ask directly—"

"I am here," another voice said, as the room's door was opened from the outside, and in marched Kiryuin Satsuki herself, in all of her proud glory, even more impressive up close and personal. For some reason, Shizuru felt an icy shiver running up her spine, while Haruka's brow curved interestingly, matching her currently much more upset mood. A mood the newcomer seemed to catch onto immediately, as her cold blue eyes went directly into Haruka's, like thrown knives sinking into a wall's wooden paneling. "Is there something the matter, delegates of Mahora?"

"Welcome back, Satsuki-chan," Nonon nodded, now truly pleasantly, and smiling in a really adorable way. "We were just discussing a little bit of general politics while waiting for you! What took you so long?"

* * *

Back in the real world, Ala Alba sat by Evangeline's huge pool, their bare feet submerged in the water. Negi looked up at the false starry sky as he reminisced, and everyone listened intently.

"After that,, a rescue party arrived to the village the morning after, and they retrieved Nekane and me. Which was really embarrassing, since it was mostly people I'd beat up on my way to City Hall. As usual in such cases, the whole incident was blamed on football hooligans, and soon it was forgotten by everyone." He then briefly took his glasses off to rub his eyes, after which he sighed and put the glasses back on. "I suppose it was my own fault, partially, as the authorities must have been sort of disgruntled at me by then."

"Don't beat yourself up, I'm sure that had nothing to do with what you did," Chisame told him.

"Probably not," he admitted. "Uncle Stan used to say, my father had amassed too many enemies who might someday come for us... and apparently, what we learned in Kyoto might support that. Still, I can't help wondering if our case would have been more zealously investigated if I hadn't embarrassed— well. Anyway, afterwards the Headmaster of Merdiana accepted me into his academy, and was even kind enough to place me in the same classroom as Anya. They would try to avoid telling me what they'd done with the petrified villagers, but Anya and I managed to find out they'd been placed in secret storage until a solution could be found for... for..."

"Boya," Evangeline told him, "don't despair just yet, okay? I don't know if they ever told you this, but, well... the other world's Konoe eventually managed to become skilled enough as to revert the effect exactly this sort of petrification. I'm sure I can whip our little airhead into a comparable healer, given enough time."

He nodded. "Thank you, Master. That's so very kind of y—"

"Don't even _think_ of finishing that sentence," Eva warned.

"Ah. W-Well, I studied as hard as I could over the next four years, doing my best to overcome my fears and weaknesses. And I know I've still got a long road ahead of me, but... Kaga-san, please pull Itoshiki-sensei's head out of the water, will you?"

"Oh! S-Sorry, I got distracted by your highly emotional and moving story, Sensei!" Ai apologized, before leaning forward to grab her own teacher's head by the hair and pull it out of the pool, then to place him on his back and start applying mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him.

"Thank you, Kaga-san. And now you know my story," Negi finished, with a small sad smile. "If it bothered you, then I'm sorry. I know it might come off as overwrought and melodramatic at times, but I swear it was all true, even the part about the cursed video tape and the mirror summoning, and I still think you deserved to... know..."

He looked at the highly tearful faces of those gathered around him, including Keiichi and Rito, who if anything were sobbing even harder than anyone not named Ayaka. Evangeline was coolly looking away and thus of _course_ not cry, that's crazy talk.

"... uh, I didn't tell you to make you feel bad either, that never was my..."

"Senseiiiiiiii!" Ayaka bawled hysterically, tackling him into a crushing hug that made his eyes pop out. "I, Yukihiro Ayaka, hereby solemnly swear I'll never leave your side! As long as I draw breath, something as terrible as that will never happen to you again! Negi-sensei, Negi-sensei, Negi-senseiiiiiiiii! I'll help you to find your father, and I'll give you a family, I mean, I'll help you rebuild your family, and we'll live happily ever after, you, me, your sister and our father!"

"Wh-What's with that 'our' father business, Iinchou...?!" Misa protested while angrily rubbing her watery eyes off.

Madoka sniffed, looking at Misa's emotional distress. "Oh, Misa, what a miracle! This is the first time I've see you showing pain over anyone else's suffering...! I was so wrong, Sensei really _is_ the man for you!"

"Madoka!" Misa cried, squeezing her hands.

"Misa!" Madoka cried, squeezing back. "I'm so glad you're human after all!"

"Cheerleader cry-feel-good-hug!" Sakurako cried, pulling Satomi along with her, then wrapping her arms around the three of them as best as she could.

"... but, I'm not a cheerleader...?" the confused Hakase blinked while trapped in the middle of the three sobbing girls.

"I think, I think we also owe you an apology, Negi-kun," Makie sniffily told her teacher. "Sorry for thinking Black Rose Baron-san was your cousin. How could she be, after all... when she has no legs!" She broke into loud tears again. "Auuuughhh, poor, poor Nekane-san!"

Negi grew a sweatdrop. "Uh, no, you'll see, Makie-san, my sister _has_ legs now. They regrew them with magic, the way they've been doing for centuries. Magical medicine is just that advanced..."

"Which is just unethical and revolting!" Satomi raised an arm from where she still was sort of enjoying the sensation of being sandwiched between the cheerleaders (and getting a new appreciation for certain kinds of videos she'd found on the internet), who simply kept on crying on each other. "Mages have no right to keep such breakthroughs from the rest of mankind on the pretense of alleged moral superiority! Chao is right! Knowledge should be shared no matter what! Just think of how many lives could be greatly improved by— Is anyone still listening to me? Suh-Sakurako, that breast on my face better be yours!"

"Oops. Sorry 'bout that," Madoka blushed, pulling back.

Haruna blew her nose with a tissue as loudly as the shot of a handgun, and solemnly said, "Well, there's only one thing we can do after witnessing something as impressive as that..."

The other girls nodded just as solemnly, and after a moment they raised their fists as one, shouting, "LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!"

"— wait a minute," Chisame said with subdued horror one moment later, realizing her fist was still high as well. "Why did _I_ just say that?!"

"One of us! One of us!" Makie chanted joyfully.

One moment later, Makie was violently flung into the pool as, not too far, Itoshiki's scream of panic tore through the air. "AHHHHHHH! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

"Ah! Ah, ah, ah! Sorry, sorry, I'm so terribly sorryyyyyyy!"

* * *

 **To be Continued.** **Next: Ghosts of the Present, Guest Starring Fairy Tail, Highschool DXD, Kill La Kill, Shoujo Kakumei Utena and Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon!**

* * *

"I don't think," Rito's disembodied voice dryly said from above, "I like this very much anymore."

The naked astral forms of Ala Alba, gathered around the small snowy park where his past self played with Mikan's on a Christmas morning of several years ago, were not really paying him any attention anymore.

"Yeah! It's done now!" Chibi-Rito was happily saying while placing a red bucket as a hat on their snowman's head. Chibi-Mikan clapped her tiny, mitton-clad hands several times, chirping with glee.

"Waiiiii! We did it!" They grabbed each others' hands and began bouncing together, face to face. "We did it, we did it, we did it!"

"Seriously, guys," the older Rito's voice said. "It's a cherished childhood memory, don't get me wrong, and it's not like I wouldn't have shown you childhood photos if you'd asked for them, but this just feels... voyeuristic, is that the word?"

Once again, they just kept ignoring him altogether as they saw the two siblings prancing together around the white playground.

"Oniichan, let's have a snowball fight now!"

"Wait, Mikan, don't run around like that! You might fall! Owie! Not in the face! Not in the face!"

 _"Do you wanna build a snowman? Come on, let's go and play..."_ Misa had begun to sign angelically.

"Wow, so that wasn't a fluke after all!" Madoka's mind boggled.

Haruna looked at Misa. "Misa-chan, please don't interrupt this moment of perfect sibling bonding foreshadowing years of intense, forbidden and kinky mutual interest with a song that doesn't have anything to do with— You know, never mind, I'm not sure why, but it might just fit anyway. You just keep doing that."

"Wh-What do you mind, what does any lust have to do with any of this?!" Narrator Rito's voice protested. "And could one of you lower Itoshiki-sensei from that tree already! I don't want a hanged man intruding on my beloved childhood memories!"

 _"Do you wanna build a snowman? It doesn't have to be a snowman..."_

Makie looked at Keiichi. "Next comes your turn, doesn't it, Sempai?" she vivaciously asked him.

"But why?!" he said. "My hometown was never attacked by demons, and our parents never abandoned us! Let's at least wait for Asuna-san to come back! She might have a story worth looking at!"

 _"Do you wanna build a snowman? Or ride our bike around the halls...?"_

* * *

The SOS Brigade stared at the monstrosity before them that had just been added to thie clubroom.

"What do you think?" Haruhi said, sitting on a perfect replica of a throne made on hundreds of melted swords. "Can you believe the metalworking club was just going to throw this away?"

"And... the portrait?" Kyon asked.

Haruhi loked behind her, where a giant portrait of Haruhi herself grinned down in challenge at them, covering the whole wall and blocking the windows. "Oh, I blackmailed some nerd in the art club. Awesome, right?"

Mikuru fainted.

* * *

 _The Metalworking club would like to report the theft of a replica Iron Throne from their club room. Replica composes the clubs entire budget, and they'd like it back, Suzumiya._

* * *

 **Shiho: Little Sister.**

When I moved to my maternal grandfather's shrine, he already had taken an older girl as his protege. At first, I really  
hated that girl. She seemed so arrogant and haughty, rarely talking to me and acting as if she, not I, was the family's heiress. The fact Grandpa had given her his family name while I kept my father's made it all even worse.

I escaped her whenever I could, and it was then when I met my Oniichan. He found me crying under a tree while he was playing around, and he started taunting me, so I hated him too. It turned out I was in his favorite playground, but I didn't care, because it was my favorite crying place too, and I wasn't going to give it up.

The third time we met each other there, I asked him why he was playing there all alone, instead of being with the other boys. He showed me his wooden sword and said he was training to get stronger, so the other boys wouldn't mess up with him anymore. That gave me the idea. If I became stronger too, Mana would respect me, and she wouldn't boss me around anymore, either.

I began practicing my Miko craft while Oniichan practiced his swordplay. It never was good enough to match or even impress Mana, but it calmed me down, and I got to see what kind of boy Oniichan really was. He was no prince, but I could see the prince hidden in him. He was no hero, but he was close enough for me. I could tell Mana disliked him, which, if anything, made me like him more. He could be a bit odd at times, and he liked pranking me, but he was really charming when you got to know him well.

So was Mana, actually.

I started calling her Oneesama when she took me as her apprentice. Grandpa never told her to do so. But even so, she eventually saw something in me, and she took the risk of taking me under her wing. For the first time, she showed me some respect, even if she wouldn't admit it.

Some time later, she told me of her past. She told me how stained her hands really were, and all the awful things she had done when she was just my age. For a short time, that made me wary and even rejecting of her again, but then I realized that was why she was the way she was. She showed no emotions because they had killed hers long ago. And I knew that was what I had been on my way to doing to myself. If not for Oniichan, and even for Oneesama herself, I'd have allowed my sadness and my fury consume me.

But if Oneesama, who had been through so many horrible things, could still look after me when I slept and patiently teach me how to hunt and how to keep the shrine, why couldn't I?

Thank you, Oneesama. And thank you too, of course, Oniichan.

Someday, I'll be as strong as her, and then I'll have him. I won't be the little sister anymore.

Because you have taught me I can.

Can't I?

* * *

 **Sister Yukariko: Passions of Youth.**

 _My parents died when I was very little, and I was raised by Sister Yolanda, a kind old woman who ran the Mahora Magdalene Church before Sister Shakti. As such, I have spent almost my whole life inside of the Mahora grounds. When I studied, I attended the female academy, with Shakti and Eda-san as my Sempais._

I have never been good at handling myself around men, because I barely have had any contact with them. I remember my first crush, much like Sister Shakti's, was that handsome foreigner who often came around to run errands for the Headmaster and Sister Yolanda. Back then, I had no idea of the real reason for Sister Yolanda being missing an eye, although Sister Shakti had already figured it out.

Since I didn't have any other plans for my life, I settled on joining the Church, even after learning about its actual nature, and about Sister Yolanda's real tasks. I was going to be only support, either way. I always abhorred violence, but I at least could assist my sisters in their battle against evil, healing their wounds and mending their combat weary souls.

Or so I thought.

As part of my duties, I realized I would have to often listen to the students' issues with the opposite gender. And their own. And that struck me harder than anything else, because I was completely ignorant on how to deal with that myself. Shakti just couldn't open herself enough to help me, and Eda would only give... inconvenient advice. I couldn't help them either. Soon, I felt like a failure, and I'm afraid it's partly my fault our students' morals have sunk so low.

Suzumiya Haruhi-san still scares me deeply.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering if I could have coped with it, had I been raised like most girls.

Meeting boys ...

... or maybe girls ...

... or maybe boys and girls ...

... if I had fallen in love, and allowed them to come close, to touch my heart, to wrap me in their embraces, and then ...

... ahhhhhh!...

Eh? No ... I ... I couldn't possibly ever...

Oh, my God.

I hope I can be forgiven from these impure thoughts! Why does thinking about Suzumiya-san's deviancies always set me on this dangerous course of mind? These passions of youth?

I still haven't matured at all!

Father Garterbelt peeked in with a very unfriendly face. "Sister, would you please keep those moans low? You're disturbing our poker game!"

The young nun kneeling before the altar hung her head in shame. Surely, that night she'd have those horrible nightmares about Nagi-sama, Negi-sensei, Ishigami-sensei and Suzumiya-san again.


	7. Lesson 6

She staggered into the ruins of the house she'd left so long ago.

It hadn't been mere coincidence that had brought her to Honnouji. When she had first left the city, things had been very different, and Kiryuin Satsuki hadn't begun her reign yet. Ever since, Matoi Ryuko had wandered the country like the underage unsupervised protagonist of a long-running children's show about monsters and lots of appearances by balls, stumbling from one academy into another, always challenging the strongest she could find in her tireless quest for a killer.

She had been to Konoha, thinking it was just natural to look for a murderer in a village of assassins, but it didn't take her too long to figure most of those guys were either too friendly or too incompetent at actual murder to qualify for the target of her wrath. And that she'd have needed to be literally blind in both eyes to not be identify them if they'd been from there, since everyone seemed to think wearing clothes gaudier than a Super Sentai show was good ninja wear.

She had been to Mahora, long after Kiryuin had left so they hadn't met then, but she had almost as quickly learned people there were too nice, and yet too buffoonish, to hide the person who had ruined her life. Also, there she had first known love, that red afternoon she saw that red-haired boy trying to pull that impossible jump, but his weird and creepy short haired stalker had chased her off, convincing her to drop her romantic pursuits and stick to her road of vengeance. Ryuko may have been fearless, but even the widest sky meets a limit in the lines of the horizon. _  
_  
She had been to Nerima, and she still had her doubts she hadn't run into her father's killer while there, but she preferred to believe she hadn't. Because she couldn't make tails or heads out of that place yet. How the hell did it go from looking like post-apocalyptic urban decay to squeaky clean suburbia in the hour she went to have a bowl of ramen, and back again, practically every day?

She had been to Ohtori, where she had lost her virginity in that sensational speeding car of the irresistible dark-skinned devilish principal (to the car, not the principal. Because the car was that sexy), and left after learning none of the swordsmen there could have slain her father. After all, they stubbornly refused to fight by using anything but fencing, or at most kendo in that green haired jerk's case. She had even found her way into the secret academy of monsters in the woods, where she had spent a few months pretending to be a leech woman, but she had left after learning those freaks would have just sucked her father's blood instead of...

Now, having exhausted all her options short of going abroad to enroll at Ashford or Riverdale, she had returned to Honnouji at last, backpack full of transfer paperwork and year of qualification exam results in hand. And then...

She staggered to the middle of the wrecked living room and sobbed angrily, slamming the sharp tip of her scissor blade into the crusty floor she had once crawled across while in her diapers. "I'm sorry, Father!" she growled, equal parts anger and pain, shaking on her bruised legs. "I failed you!"

She had been so close, too! She was sure that woman, Kiryuin Satsuki, knew about it, if she hadn't been the one to do it herself! The way she had looked at her scissor blade, the cold sneer she had when demanded to explain herself, the sheer power of her moves... she had moved just as swift and precisely as the killer had, that confusing night all those years ago...

"If only I had been stronger! Damn it!" she howled, slamming her weapon down again, her hai billowing daramtically in the cold wind from the open windows. "Why, Father?! What else do I need to do?! She's not that much older! I've fought everywhere, matching the best, learning all I could! What else do I need?! Tell me, Father! TELL ME! Ah, shoo, shoo!" she cried as a bat suddenly flew into the room, fluttering significantly as if trying to get her attention.

And then there was a click where her blade met the floor, and a trap door flew open under her feet, and she plummeted with a high pitched yell of shock.

The bat, finding itself without any angsty teenagers with murdered parents to inspire, seemed to sigh and wondered how it's cousins in Gotham did this. They kept bragging about that guy who cosplayed as them. It flew off, giving it the ultrasonic bat cry equivalent of "I'm in despair! My constant failure has led me to despair!"

Slowly peeking from behind a column covered by wild ivy, a hunched, unassuming man in an ugly brown suit and glasses looked at the trap door as it clicked closed, and after a few moments of thoughtful silence, he smiled. After that, he slicked his hair back, pulled the glasses off, and suddenly seemed to gain five simultaneous levels in Bishounen, his smile showing perfect rows of glinting white teeth.

"Now it's all up to you, Ryuko-kun," he mused aloud. "Don't disappoint me."

It had just started to rain, as if the gray skies overhead wept for Honnouji.

When Matoi Ryuko woke up a few moments later, she was on her back, looking up at the murky tunnel she had fallen through, surrounded by nearly complete darkness and definitely complete filth.

And no, she didn't find herself turned into a cockroach. We're not really fans of Kafka, okay?

(OM's Author Note: Hm, the line above was added in by SCM, but actually, I am-)

She grunted, struggling to sit up while checking she hadn't broken anything. Fortunately, it looked like she had landed on a hill of smelly old rags that had cushioned her fall, but as she realized while standing up, she was far from being okay at the time.

"Shit, it reopened," she grumbled, looking at the large gash in her right arm, which was bleeding and dripping on the funny smelling clothes below. Sighing like someone all too used to being injured in street fights can be, she pulled a few bandages out of her breast pocket and applied them to the wound the bitch had given her until it stopped bleeding. Satisfied, she began walking around, feeling in the darkness for an exit. "Weird. I don't remember anything about a basement. Seriously, old man, what—"

Then a voice, a sinister, mad voice called from the blackness. _ **"More. Give me more!"**_

Matoi Ryuko turned around, readying her scissor blade. "Okay," she grunted. "I thought we had settled this before I left Youkai Academy! Leave now and I won't have to behead you, bloodsucker!"

 _ **"I'm no vampire,"**_ the evil voice said. _ **"I just want to suck your blood!"**_

"You're not helping your case!" Ryuko snapped, looking around to no avail. "Listen now, I'm not in the mood for any—!"

Something jumped out of the pile of rags, and Ryuko swung at it, but she still was groggy and exhausted, and her attacker easily flew over her blade, then landed on her, taking a firm hold of her wrists and slamming her against a wall. A huge demonic eye fell on hers, it's partner scarred out with a huge x-shaped wound, as a wide mouth not unlike that of a laughing werewolf was spread under those eyes, chomping at her chest. The weirdest part of all, however, was those hideous features were on the front surface of—

"A school uniform?!" Ryuko yelled, surprised out of her mind, which was no small feat considering all she'd seen through the last few years. "What the hell!"

 _ **"Don't think of leaving me now!"**_ the creature resembling some sort of demented sailor fuku blouse howled vehemently, slobbering all over Ryuko. _**"Use me, wear me, feed me! Get inside me! Fill me up and rub yourself on my insides! Oh yeah! I want to feel you about to make me burst!"**_

"Wh-What are you, some sort of pervert?!" Ryuko kicked at it as it madly shredded her shirt, revealing her blue and white striped bra. "Leggo, you idiot! Leggo, I tell you!"

 _ **"I won't go back to sleep! Give me your blood! Just a little bit! You'll be okay, I swear! I don't kill women or children!"**_

 _In the lower left corner of the screen, a tiny Evangeline appeared for a moment. "... no," she said. "I'm not even bothering to comment. Aren't I on the wrong side of the screen?"_

"What the hell, I don't have to listen to a fucking sailor fuku!" Ryuko protested, realizing she was being overwhelmed by this strange creature's strength. "Oh my God, don't tell me you have tentacles! Anything but tentacles!"

 _ **"Don't be afraid! Just wear me and you'll have power beyond your wildest dreams! I'm going to make you feel awesome! You'll become a woman if yo let me in! Surrender, become one with me, and I'll show you wonders like you never imagined! Come on, make a contract with me!"**_

"That's so totally what a rapist pimp would say!" Ryuko said, trying the old trusty knee in the groin, only to verify it indeed didn't work on this thing, just like she had feared. "No, I don't want this, go away...!"

 _ **"I'll have you wearing me even if I have to force you...!"**_

* * *

Up at Yggdrasil, Rind's right eyebrow twitched stiffly, while the hand by her hip absently caressed the hilt of her axes. "Okay, this is getting sort of out of hand, isn't it? Even if we're not to interfere in mortal affairs, is there a reason why we need to watch such unsavory trash..?"

Peorth hummed to herself as she recorded the events displayed on her main surveillance screen, making sure to create personal backups in the process. "I thought you liked seeing warriors first donning their battle armor...?"

"'Donning' is not the word I'd use for that!" Rind spat, furiously pointing at the screen, "and even if I did, I'd say it's more like the thing is donning her!"

Peorth sighed. "Honestly, remember when the Vikings were raping country girls in your name?"

"Sh-shut up, I was the first one to withdraw my support, wasn't I? Why don't you go ask Thor, next time he stops by in between guilt trips helping masked marauders?!"

"Guy Thor or Girl Thor? Timelines are so confusing."

* * *

 _ **"Oh, yes! Yes! I fit perfectly! Hmmmm, just feel that...! I'm all snug and tight on all the right curves...! Ah, I can feel you scrapping my insides! So tight! My body is moving on its own!"**_

In the upper irght corner of the screen, a little black glob of ominous liquid-like substance with a little white spider symbol on it that resembled Flubber opium-addicted alien cousin waved cheerfully.

"You bastard! You'd better take responsibility for this!"

And then the whole house exploded in a thunderous burst of raw unleashed power...

* * *

Shizuru looked out the window, seeing in the distance, where a tall pillar of light seemed to come from outside the walls of the Academy, piercing directly into the storm clouds like a really long phallic thing going into a really yonic thing. "Ara ara?" she mused to herself. "Even rainstorms are different here, it seems..."

"Yes, they are," Kiryuin nodded, while elegantly sipping from her cup of tea. "They are simply awesome."

* * *

 **Magic is what you want it to be**.

A fanfiction by Over Master and edited by Shadow Crystal Mage.

 **Lesson Six: Ghosts of the Present**.

* * *

 _Kill La Kill_ was created and is owned by Studio Trigger _._

 _Sayonara, Zetsubou Sensei_ was created and is owned by Kumeta Koji and Kodansha. Studio Shaft, however, was the cool relative that taught it to live la vida loca.

 _Fate/Stay Night_ was created and is owned by Kinoko Nasu and Type-Moon.

* * *

 _Last time, in Unequally Rational and Emotional:_

"Are you my Master?" the gorgeous young-looking blonde in the long blue dress with armor plate on the chest and gauntlets repeated, with a voice that was cold and devoid of feeling.

"Gah...!" Emiya Shirou had blurted out.

"That's a 'Yes', then," the woman had nodded. "Negatives are usually conveyed as 'Geh'..."

Then the wall behind had her exploded into a million splinters, and something had broken in, slamming into the girl like a train at full speed. However, somehow, the young female had managed to block it with an armored gauntlet, then swiftly swing the invisible blade she had been carrying up, slashing through a section of her attacker's decaying ribcage, although missing its center. The figure, which sure enough, had been the self-proclaimed Judge who'd been chasing Shirou, backed away with a nasty, vicious cackle, a gun in each hand.

 _ **"Yesssssss!"**_ he had hissed. **_"It'd been too long ssssssince another hurt me. I've missssssed the pain, the sssssssharp caresssssssss of a bladed edge for ssssssssssso long..."_**

"Foul creature of darkness," the woman growled, keeping her sword (or at least that was what Shirou thought it was supposed to be; for all it knew it was an invisible giant sex toy to wallop people with, or rather it might have been that way had Shirou known what a sex toy was) ready and easily falling into a protective stand before Shirou. "I can detect your cruel killing intent even easier than I'd see the light of the sun in the middle of the Summer. And it's not even the dutiful urge to slay an enemy in war, is it?"

He had trained his guns on her, although she hadn't even flinched. _**"That'sssssss right. I'd kill every woman, child, elder and unborn in thisssss world if I had the chance. All are the ssssssame, for there are no innocentssssss. Life isssss a crime, the sssssentence isssssss death!"**_

And he had opened fire.

You'd think we'd have shown you the awesome battle that ensued, right?

Mea culpa, mea culpa. Please place none of the blame on Shadow Crystal Mage. Real World Things happened. Don't you just hate it when that sort of happenings happen to happen?

Anyway, several things had also happened in that wonderful fictional world ever since that fateful (get it?) first evening, when the woman who had introduced herself as Saber had valiantly fought the Judge for the sake of Shirou's life and chased him off, afterwards staying (get it?!) with him night after night _(get it?!)_ in a perfectly chaste and heartwarming cohabitation. The problem things, those several things had been nowhere enough things as to please Saber, and we don't mean because the cohabitation was perfectly chaste.

Raised a warrior, and brought back to the world to fight in something she had called a Great Holy Grail War (something Shirou remembered his old man mentioning a few times in passing, usually along with the sentences 'I'll explain it all when you're older' and 'Right now, it hurts too much to talk about it' and 'WIFEY! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME AND DIE!'), Saber had been rather eager to take part in a major battle to the death between herself and six other such warriors, but instead, what had followed had been a gray and dull series of repetitive days where nobody would show up howling for her head or Shirou's, and she'd have nothing to do but staying at home watching TV and eating, eating, eating, and Dear God in Heaven, eating some more.

And it wasn't like Shirou didn't appreciate Saber's love for his meals, or for that matter that he, after all, apparently didn't have to get himself involved into a major struggle where dozens if not hundreds of innocents might die in incidents that the local mages would no doubt sweep under the rug as 'gas leaks' or 'CGI' or some such nonsense. But he could tell the quiet uneventfulness of it all was starting to drive Saber slow but surely bonkers, to the point he wouldn't be shocked if she started scouting the streets by night calling out for the Judge.

That was why she'd been so thrilled that evening, just a couple days ago, when she finally sensed someone else approaching the Emiya residence, and she ran out to meet that person, again swinging the invisible sword (once again, Shirou wasn't fully sure it was a sword yet, but he hoped so. She sure wielded it as such) towards the mysterious figure stalking the front yard in the darkness.

Said figure stood defiantly, firm on its feet but also slightly leaning forward like a sleek nocturnal predator, smirking while its icy blue eyes glinted within the confines of a purple mask. In a hand he held a dark purple gun with a fairly thick barrel, slightly upraised. "I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the Extra that comes with the Strange and Fake Apocrypha of the Grand Order! I am... YIIIIIIIIII!" it yelled as Saber's first swing hit it squarely and sent if flying across the yard, crashing against a thorny bush.

"Gahh!" Shirou cried. "My prized roses! Those were hand grown! Saber, what are you doing?!"

She briefly looked back at him. "Isn't it obvious, Shirou? This is an enemy Servant, who at last comes to attack us. I told you to prepare yourself for this moment!"

"Saber!" Shirou pointed at the small figure painfully pulling itself out of the rose bush, cringing as it did so. "What are you saying, for Heaven's sake?! That's no Servant, that's a child in a costume!"

"... what?" Saber blinked.

Shirou nodded, pulling out the flashlight he'd grabbed right before rushing out, and turning it on the small costumed creature, who tried to hide behind its purple cape. "See, that's just a child in a duck costume! Although why the duck would be dressed as The Shadow on top of that is beyond me, but cosplayers are weird. Are you okay, kid? Are you lost? The activity hall is all way across the campus, but if you want, we can take you to your party..."

"What the...?" the child in a duck costume gasped. Then he stomped a webbed foot down. "I'm not a child! I'm a—"

"—- teacher? Oh, please don't tell me you're Negi-sensei!" a frustrated Shirou interrupted, rubbing the bridge of his nose up and down. "I've never understood British humor, is this the English Club's idea of a prank?"

"I'm the terror that— You know what, forget it!" the duck waved his hands up. "I'm Servant Vigilante!"

"See!" a vindicated Saber smiled at Shirou.

Shirou blinked, getting a better, closer look at him. "... but you're a duck."

 _In the lower right corner of the screen, a similar duck in a cheap suit and tie briefly appeared smoking a cigar and shaking his head. "Is this what I'm reduced to while waiting for Guardians of the Galaxy 2? Fer Chriss' sake!"_

 _Do you want us to mention your other movie?_

 _"Pointless fanfic cameos it is!"_

"Shirou, stand back," Saber commanded. "Even if he is a duck, that doesn't mean he is to be understimated. Even a rabbit can be the deadliest of creatures."

"But what if he's an endangered species?" argued Shirou. "He would have to be, wouldn't he? You don't hear about talking ducks every other day, we might get in legal trouble if we kill him! Besides, heroes of justice don't just kill endangered species! That just isn't done, Saber!"

It was the duck's turn to blink. "Heroes of justice?"

Saber ignored him, instead looking further down into the darkness. "You," she coldly said, "step out before you experience the strike of my blade. I'm willing to place a bet you are no endangered species."

There was a sigh as a frustrated young woman stepped out of the shadows, holding her hands up and wearing a long coat over her short skirt and red sweater. "You'd lose that bet," she said, "since actually I'm one of only two remaining Homo Tohsakaus Awesomeus in the world." She smiled somewhat sadly, somewhat apologetically, at Shirou. "Good evening, Emiya-kun. How are you, and why did you trade places with me when I wasn't looking?"

"Tohsaka!" Shirou gasped.

"Do you know this woman, Shirou?" Saber frowned, keeping her invisible sword aimed at her. Vigilante sulked, visibly upset his teenaged Master was apparently seen as more of a threat than himself.

"I mean," Tohsaka Rin continued ranting, making a visible effort to hold herself together, "it was I who should have summoned this magnificent looking Saber, while you, who are nothing but the adopted son with no talent of a Magus Killer, should have summoned the failure gag Class funny animal, don't you agree...?"

"Magnificent?" Saber said, one eyebrow raised. "Keep talking."

"HEY! NO!" Shirou and Vigilante indignantly cried at once.

Rin gave the Saber a pleading look. "Would you make a contract with me and be my Servant, please?"

"Do you know how to cook?" Saber sternly asked.

"Of course! My sister is also a master chef."

"Please do tell me more. I am willing to listen..."

"Hey, now, don't start involving Sakura in this!" Shirou and Vigilante again cried at once. They stared at each other then.

"So..." Emiya asked, "Hero of Justice?"

"Hero For Great Justice," the duck confirmed with a nod, and they shook hands politely.

"See, it works fine from the boys' side as well!" Rin smiled pleasantly, bringing her hands together. "Well then, glad to see I won't have to cut your arm off or anything, Emiya-kun. Hope you're very happy doing Justice things together before we have to cut your Vigilante down..."

"Har-har, nice try, Tohsaka, but no, sorry," Shirou said, frowning and placing an arm around Saber's shoulders as the blonde blinked. He may have been clueless as hell, but not enough as to fall for that kind of trade.

Vigilante threw his hands up in frustration. "What do I have to do to start getting some respect? Dress up in power armor with a lot of spikes while sentencing people to death and shooting at them with bazookas?!"

That had been then. Today, Shirou and Rin would be taking the next, possibly most important step in their young lives. It included visiting a church while accompanied by their best men— or rather, best woman and duck.

Sadly, the honeymoon would have to wait until we get to do the lemon sequel.

* * *

Or rather, make that best woman, duck, and little sister, because Sakura had wanted to come along, and Rin had been afraid to leave her all alone at home now that enemy Servants had actually started appearing at last. So naturally, she had left her waiting outside in the open with one of said enemy Servants, from the most deadly of the Classes to boot, with only a Servant of dubious quality to defend her.

In Rin's defense, not only did she not have much else to work with, and Servants were unlikely to attack anyone in the open in broad daylight, but she had a good feeling about Saber. Like she was a person worth her trust. It definitely wasn't because she thought she was hot or anything! Tohsakas were monogamous, after all! She was screwing her sister ad only her sister, so there!

The three of them sat on a bench by the road outside of the Mahora Magdalene Church, waiting idly for Shirou and Rin to be done inside.

"So, Tohsaka-san," Saber finally said, to break the ice, "your sister has told me you're a proficient cook?"

"Mm-hmmm, I suppose," Sakura nodded. "Not as good as Emiya-sempai, of course..."

"I see," Saber noted with a nod, quietly pulling a small notebook out and scratching the 'Join Tohsaka?' question off her list of things to ponder through the War. "And you," she addressed her fellow Servant, "shouldn't be in your spiritual form now? What if pedestrians happened to see you like this?"

"Why aren't _you_ in your Spirit form?" Vigilante asked back.

"I asked first," Saber noted, "but if you must know, I can't access that form. Keep in mind I tell you this only because I know there's no way you could exploit that, but at least I bother wearing a disguise." Then she lightly touched the tip of her baseball cap, which she wore along the rest of her sports ensemble of blue zipped up jacket, tight black shorts, and golden ponytail. "What is your excuse?"

"... that isn't much of a disguise," Vigilante disagreed, "but why I should be disguising myself? Everyone knows I'm a child in a duck costume!"

At that point, two junior high girls passed by before them.

"Wow, look at that! Isn't that Negi-sensei in a duck costume?"

"Yeah, I think it is! I heard his club was doing some kind of weird haunted house stuff for the festival! You know how strange 3-A is!"

"Still, it's kinda cute. Doesn't it remind you of Boo-sensei?"

The two giggled as they moved away. As soon as they were gone, Vigilante slumped forward miserably, hiding his face and beak between his hands. After a moment of doubt, Saber carefully and slowly reached over to softly pat his back with comforting sympathy.

"Actually, I wouldn't be so blue if I were you, Vigilante-san," Sakura tried to cheer him up. "Didn't you know? Around this campus, 'Negi-sensei' is another term for saying 'sexy'!"

"What kind of troubling times do you live in?" Saber gave her an uncharacteristic, really weirded out look.

Sakura sighed, looking aside longingly. "Oh, just wait until you meet Negi-sensei yourself...!"

Saber gave Vigilante a more subtle, concerned stare, and the duck simply shrugged his shoulders.

Then they silently squeezed hands, fellow prisoners in a world not their own gone insane.

"Just to be clear, this doesn't mean I'll hold back should it come time to kill you," Saber said.

"Same here. It's not like we like each other or anything, its meerely because we'rethe only sane people left in this crazy town!"

They both nodded.

"How do you have fingers there, anyway?"

"How does your hair stick up through your hat?"

"Touche."

* * *

Inugami Kotaro was not at the church, but all the same he still was facing a higher authority out to judge him for his sins and determine if he'd be fit for damnation or absolution. Except he'd done that already, and Kotaro guessed the decision had been absolution, otherwise they'd have just sent him back to Kyoto in shackles. But phrasing it that way at least gave us a suitably dramatic opening to then ruin with the usual chain of cheap gags.

"I'm sure it'll please you to hear we finally managed to reach your mother earlier today, Inugami-kun," the ancient man with the cucumber head sitting behind the fine desk affably told him, long bony fingers splattered with liver spots crossed together over a stack of papers. "She has agreed to the terms established by the Kanto and Kansai associations, and she also promised she'd head here immediately... which, considering her current place of residence, should take only a couple of days for her."

The dark haired boy only nodded, head slumped, hands in his pockets, legs crossed carelessly. "Yeah, I thought so. Well. I suppose it's for the best, right?"

Konoe Konoemon remained silent for a moment before asking him, "Why do you keep running away from her? She seemed absolutely distraught over your absence. Has she wronged you in any way? If so, please do tell us. You have my word we'll act on it. Our main duty here, after all, is looking after children and their every need."

"Like the egghead?"

"That's different, Negi-kun has way more issues than any sane person can handle. We're out of our depth."

Kotaro ran a hand down his own face. "Nah, it's not that. She's... the best mother I could have asked for. The problem's me, see? I'm not a son who can make her happy."

"Certainly not if you keep abandoning her," Konoemon chided, his tone soft but stern, like that of a grandfather (which he was, but not to him) rather than a Principal or the Director of an Association. Every other leader of an organization Kotaro had ever dealt with before had treated him like crap or, in Eishun's case, at the very least like an upset father would do regarding his daughter's kidnapper. There was none of that in Konoemon's demeanor towards him. If he still held a grudge over Konoka's ransom, he was hiding it remarkably well, and Kotaro could usually sniff out liars through their body language and the inflections of their voices.

"I send her money, every month, no matter what," Kotaro exhaled, folding his arms behind his neck and making a point of staring at the ceiling. "And before you tell me that's not enough, that's still the best I can do for her. Whenever I'm close to her, I only bring her problems. I'll only make her suffer. You wouldn't understand."

"There's no greater suffering a parent can experience than their child's absence," Konoemon disagreed, shaking his head slowly. "Regardless, Inugami-kun, it has been determined your recently performed several heroic deeds for the Kansai Association have merited you a pardon from your criminal charges. As part of your community service, you are to spend a few months of probation in Mahora, under our surveillance."

"And here I thought the Prison School was Honnouji," Kotaro rasped a chuckle that sounded too old and cynical for him. "What, you wouldn't trust me to them?"

"Just between you and me, I wouldn't trust my worst enemy to anyone under the influence of Kiryuin Ragyo," Konoemon replied, the kindly grandfather briefly pulling back and letting Kotaro get a glimpse of chilling disdain that startled the boy into silence. Just as soon, however, the kindly grandfather was there again, as if he'd never left. "You are to report regularly to Professor Akashi, who will be your probation officer. He is one of my best men and I trust you'll cause him no grief at all," he said this with a mostly playful shake of a finger. Mostly.

"Oh, you aren't handing me over to the nerd?" Kotaro cracked a smile.

"No, Negi-kun already has too many other things in his mind by now, and I wouldn't dream of increasing his duties yet," the old man said. "You will meet the Professor himself tonight, since he's currently helping with the sealing of Graf Wilhelm, and that will take all day long. However, there's no reason you can't meet your roommates in the meanwhile, Inugami-kun."

"Oh? You mean I won't be living with that teacher guy?"

"No, generally speaking, our policy runs against students cohabiting with teachers."

"But the nerd—"

"Professor Springfield, which is how you will refer to him now, is a special case because of many reasons I'm not obligated to discuss with you, but students are expected to room with other students. However, our specialists have advised, until you can be returned to your mother's custody full time, you will benefit from having the guidance of suitable maternal replacement figures."

"Ungh, like the nerd?" Kotaro snorted, making a point of defiantly pronounce that last word as markedly as possible. "I don't think so, Gramps! That's just asking for trouble!"

"Trouble for whom, Inugami-kun?" Konoemon asked, his tone barely any less friendly, but his white eyebrows curving in a threatening way not unlike that of an angry old deity. Kotaro couldn't help but pulling back on his chair for the shortest of moments, before the Headmaster simply pressed a button on his desk and gently requested through his speaker, "Shizuna-kun, please tell the girls they can get in now."

"Yes, Sir," the extremely sweet voice of the busty woman Kotaro had met earlier that day said, and then two high school students walked in, one wearing a casual ensemble of loose pants and a long sleeved T-shirt, and the other one wearing a simple white dress with sandals. The former had her hair black, long and loose, and wore glasses; the latter had her hair just as black but made into braids at the sides of her head, and oddly had bandages all over her arms and the exposed parts of her legs, as if she'd been through a sever accident lately. She even had a gauze eyepatch over her right eye, or perhaps where her right eye had been before the accident or whatever else had happened to her. Kotaro, who couldn't help but feeling for any woman's distress, immediately felt himself moved by her calm, melancholic appearance, like that of someone carrying a great burden inside. If only he had known better, the poor sucker.

"Inugami Kotaro-kun," Konoemon said, "meet Fujiyoshi Harumi-kun and Kobushi Abiru-san, from High School Class 3-F. They will be your caretakers for the remainder of the school year."

* * *

"The facts of life are simple," Kiryuin Satsuki proclaimed, her voice even and steady to a chilling degree as her own portrait loomed behind her. "The strong survive and thrive, bending the world around them! The weak have three options: adapting to survive around the fringes, growing stronger to join the ranks of their superiors, or perishing! Currently, Honnouji is the strongest of our schools, and these are changing times, with the worst yet to come! The old paradigms just won't cut it anymore! You must face your weakness already and start thinking of which option will you pick for your future!"

Shizuru blinked at the strangeness of this forceful declaration, and it dimly bothered her that Haruka seemed to be absorbing it better than she was. Normally, by this point far less than that would already have set her off, but here she was just considering Kiryuin's words carefully, with a thoughtful scowl and an occasional soft nod of her head.

"There are some truth to what you say," Haruka finally allowed, in a much more mature and restrained tone than Shizuru had been expecting, "but I dissagrionate with your implocit 'survival of the fittest' motto. The duty of the strong, the responsabity that comes with the great power, is to grab the hand of the weak and gently pull them up, rather than roughly pushing them up, then down if they don't answer the way you want them to. As Professoctor X said in his famous telepathical message to the world in the 1980s, 'Those with the greatest power protect those without'."

"Dissagrionate? Implocit? Responsabity? Professoctor? Telepathical?" Sanageyama scratched his head. "Hey, Inumuta, you're the Big Words guy around here. Is that just a weird accent, or what?"

"There is no true strength if your resolve is marred by hesitation!" Kiryuin replied. "The strong weaken themselves by stooping to the level of the unfit, and then everyone loses! Compassion is a self-destroying lie, as in a word forged by the strong, eventually there will be no weak to feel compassion for!"

"I have met," Haruka said, a hand on her ample chest, a furious scowl on her features, "a woman who is the strongest to ever walk under this sun! And while she may speak words much like your own, President, her heart actually agrees with mine! She has taken the weak in her hand and helped them each step of the way up, and it hasn't weakoniated her a bit! If anything, I'd say, it's just made her stronger!"

"Then," Satsuki coldly answered, her eyebrows curving much the same way but with more dramatic weight due to their bigger size, "that woman should have come to speak to me instead!"

"Kiryuin-san, please," Shizuru said, trying to steer the ship back into the kind of course she was more familiar with, "excuse me, but I fail to see the point of this turn in our conversation. We only came to extend a peaceful invitation to our yearly Festival, it's not like…"

Satsuki walked to the large window, folding her arms behind her mighty back, eyes fixed on the storm raging outside. That didn't lessen the intmidation much, since the giant portrait of her face was still glaring at them. "You know nothing, Fujino Shizuru! Konoe Konoemon has raised his children in a precious cage of fancy lies, foolishly thinking he could keep you safe and blind forever! But the time is about to arrive when you must wake up and realize the crossroads you find yourselves at!"

Haruka stood up. "Yes! I've heard that before, too!"

Satsuki looked back at her over her shoulder. "Oh, you have?"

Ignoring the cynical tone of the question, for she was so prone to take words at face value, Haruka nodded. "Perhaps you know more, as I've been told little. But I know there is a storm coming! If you claim being powerful enough as to stear our densities, then share what you know, so I can beiberlieve you."

"I think the word you meant to use was 'steer'," Nonon said, legs absently swinging back and forth, and smirking to herself. "And 'destiny'. And… "

Satsuki smiled harshly at the blonde. "You've stepped past the boundaries Konoe set for you, haven't you? Do you know why he expellsed me from the Academy he claimed as his? Because I wanted to show your masses what lied beyond those safe limits! His kind fool themselves into believing those limits will hold on forever, when they are collapsing under their noses as we speak! Men of steel and mutants of magnetism fill our world, and yet he acts as if nothing has changed!"

Shizuru looked with concern at Haruka. "Haruka-han… If there's something you've been hiding from me this whole time, then I think, as your hierarchic superior, I'm entitled to know about it…"

"Hierarchic?" Sanageyama asked Inumuta.

"Legitimate word," Gamagoori stoically supplied so Inumuta didn't have to unzip his collar again. "It refers to one's position in a hierarchy, or structure of power. 'Hierarchical' is the more modern and widely used wording of it, but both are valid, and Fujino-san comes from an ancient clan, so it makes sense she'd use the more traditional expression."

Sanageyama smiled and nodded, while giving Haruka an amused glance. "Thank you. That's a relief, so it isn't a contagious thing after all."

"I'm not sure the limits I have chronossed are the same limits you intented to mean, Kiryuin-san," Haruka answered. "Since you pushed the topic first, I believe our garcious host should eelaborate on the subject before we do!"

"A stubborn negotiator, I see," Satsuki nodded. "Very well, you do have a point! Sanageyama, escort Fujino-sat out while I explain a few matters!"

"Excuse me?" an offended Fujino said. "Kiryuin-han, I am the ultimate authority in what concerns to the Mahora Student Council. Subjects as grave as those I believe you have been alluding to should be discussed with me personally."

"Woman, I shall be addressing those with a greater knowledge of the truth," Satsuki spoke harshly. "I'm not interested in dealing with those who flaunt an authority based on lies and subterfuge! Sanageyama," she urged. "I won't repeat myself!"

"This is an outrage, my victory in the elections was completely legit! Everyone knows only Kikukawa-han and Haruka-han herself voted her!" Shizuru protested. "No one has had a higher approval rating since Kurokami Medaka's infamous 98% win!"

"She doesn't mean that, Ojou-chan," Sanageyama calmly said, walking over to her and gently grabbing her by an arm. "C'mon, don't make this any harder than it has to be. Satsuki-sama won't take any longer than she absolutely has to."

Shizuru fumed, but, after giving the impassive Haruka a truly toxic glare in a curious role reversal of their usual relationship, followed the young man outside with as much aplomb as ever.

Once the door clicked behind them, Satsuki asked Haruka, "How much has Evangeline told you?"

"Ah?" Haruka blinked, her carefully prepared answers for whatever Kiryuin would tell her now crumbling down as soon as she'd heard that completely unexpected question.

"Do you think we would be foolish enough as to leave any and all members of our opposing Councils without extensive background checkups?" Satsuki asked contemptuously. "Inumuta. The record on Suzushiro-san's current club activities."

There was the sound of a collar being unzipped, and then a droning lecture. "Two months ago, shortly after a class trip to Kyoto during which vast amounts of Kyoto landscape formerly owned by the Fujino family were bought by Mahora Academy, Suzushiro Haruka joined the English Research Society sponsored by Professor Negi Springfield, from Wales. During the very same trip, there were reports of fugitive criminal and international terrorist 'The Joker', real name unknown, causing mass hysteria amongst the populace. There is also mention of a fiance cousin who does not match what records we have of Negi Springfield's only living relative. Further members of said club include Konoe Konoka, granddaughter of Headmaster Konoe, Yukihiro Ayaka, daughter of industrialist Yukihiro Genjuro, Kagurazaka Asuna, for whom no birth records or family data exist anywhere that I have not managed to debunk as a fabrication, and Hasegawa Chisame, aka Net Idol Chiu, the highest-rated non-pornographic freelance idol on the Internet."

He pushed his glasses up and added, "N-not that I'm interested in her or anything. It's simply she appeared in my search of significant personages involved in that incident! Hmph!"

"Nerd boner," Jakuzure snarked.

Haruka turned her bewildered stare back to Satsuki, and only a question could come out her lips. "Are you... mages?"

"Far from it," Kiryuin shook her head. "Mages are the past. Mages are the last vestiges of ages where superstition ruled, the era of obscurantism over development, where ignorance and weakness passed as strength over the true forces of human evolution. Times where humans were supposed to kneel before otherworldly forces instead of taming them. We?"

She then smiled at Haruka, and her smile was a thing even more terrible than her scowl.

"We are the future."

Haruka gasped. _"You're mutants?!"_

Everyone but Satsuki facefaulted.

"No, we are not!" Gamagoori cried.

"Where the hell did you get that?" Jakzure demanded.

"Wasn't Kiryuin-san quoting Magneto-san? Oh, I'm sorry, you prefer to be called 'metahumans' now, don't you. That was insensidyne of me," Haruka said.

"We are not mutants, woman!" Jakuzure snapped.

Haruka's eyes widened and she slammed one fist down into her opposite hand as if in understanding. "Oh, of course! The posering, the lightinging, the overblown sense of theatericals, the vague gay feeling I'm talking to Sakurazaki-san! You're Mahou Shoujo!"

Everyone but Satsuki facefaulted. Again.

 _"Do we look like Magical Girls to you?!"_ Gamagoora, Inumuta and Jakuzure all chorused.

"No one looks like a Mahou Shoujo until you find out, then it becomes obvioustant," Haruka said.

As her underlings protested their non-magical, non-girliness, Satsuki sighed ever so quietly behind her teeth. Her leaving Mahora hadn't completely been because she'd been gently shown the door out. Really, these people _were_ insane!

* * *

"Kirei!" Tohsaka said, fearlessly walking into the oddly, kind of eerily silent church. "It's me! I've brought another Master!"

Shirou approached her from behind and whispered close to her ear, "Tohsaka, I've never visited this church before. The priest, what kind of person is he? Should I, uh, have any special precautions around him?"

"Hm?" she raised an eyebrow. "Nah, I don't think you've got anything to worry about. He may be a bit creepy, but I don't think he's _that_ kind of priest, and aren't you a bit too old anyway?"

"I, I don't mean that!" he hissed in frustration, although in truth he wasn't that sure what she'd just meant. He seemed to remember his father once expressing a deep distaste towards that priest, however.

"The priest with the afro, that one you have to watch your ass with," Rin continued. She shrugged. "It's hard to explain, really. I've known Kirei for around ten years, and I still don't have a firm grasp on his character either."

"Ten years?" he blinked. "You mean, like in—"

At that moment, a tall man in a black priest vestments seemed to appear out of nowhere at the end of the chapel, quiet and solemn, his arms folded behind his back. He was nowhere as old as Shirou had been expecting him to be, and as a matter of fact still seemed rather young and strong, with a head full of black hair and wide, straight shoulders more fitting a trained fighter or a construction worker. Despite that, he was not overly muscular, and the eyes on his angular, chiseled face were old and lifeless, slightly greenish like those of a dozing snake.

"Welcome, Rin," this man said with a deep, rich voice, a certainly interesting and commanding one. "I was wondering about your absence. What have you brought me now?"

"Who, not what, Kirei," she said, rather coldly, before making the introductions. "This is Emiya Shirou, and he's just summoned a Servant, but had no idea he should come here. So I've been nicer to you than you've ever been to me, and just made your job a little easier. Emiya-kun, this is Kotomine Kirei, the Church's overseer for the Holy Grail War."

"Emiya?" the man said, looking into Shirou's uncertain eyes. "Now that's a name I hadn't heard of in years. What an intriguing twist of fate."

"You knew my father," Shirou said, faintly but not questioningly, just a statement of a just dawning fact. So Kiritsugu was not talking of mere rumors? Did he and this man have some sort of past relationship?

"Indeed. He was a pupil of mine before he turned to evil," Kirei said. "Before the Dark Side. Before the terrorism."

Shiro blinked. "Really?"

"No, but I always wanted to say that," Kirei said.

Shirou facefaulted.

"Everybody who knows about the world of magic knows about Kiritsugu Emiya, boy," the man impassively said, beckoning for them to come closer. As they did, he gestured with his hands to the effect. "Show me the Command Seals. That is the first thing I must evaluate."

Shirou nodded absently, still studying Kirei's lifeless expression, lifting his hand and showing off its back, and the elaborate designs on it. The priest's face featured no surprise. "I see. The Master of Saber, then? That should be the last Servant to appear. The stage should be set now..."

"Now, wait a second, please," Shirou requested. "Before this goes any further, let me tell you I've no interest in the 'game' Tohsaka described to me. If I came here, it was mostly so I can learn if there's a way out."

"There are many ways to exit a Grail War," Kotomine confirmed stoically. "Why, Wars are designed for contestants to leave as soon as possible. However, I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate most of the likely exits for a Master or a Servant..."

"As you see," Rin noted, "Father Kirei is an excellent man of cloth, but missed his true vocation at stand-up comedy."

Kirei made what could charitably be called a smile, but although it seemed to show no particular malice, it was just as devoid of any warmth or true humor. It looked more like an automatic rictus than anything else. "What have Rin and your Servant shared with you?"

"I know," the boy said, "this is supposed to be an all-out conflict to the death, but I have a hard time seeing the Headmaster, head of the Kanto Association, to let it happen here. Surely you, a man of God, should agree we shouldn't let it come to pass..."

"God sends death just as He sends life, and mankind is ultimately powerless to stop either," Kirei gravelly lectured. "That includes men of Konoe Konoemon's stature. If the Holy Grail chose manifesting itself here after the destruction of Fuyuki, there is nothing any of us can do about it. It will awaken among us sooner than later, one way or another. All we can do is seeing who will get to summon it forth."

"There's always another way," Shirou insisted.

"How can you be so sure of that, when you don't even know what's the nature of the Grail?" Rin asked him, with a hand on her hip.

"Rin is correct, certainty born from ignorance is nothing but a bane upon those who suffer it," Kirei nodded. "The Grail is a force invoked by magi which is far greater than any of us, and none of us can cancel what they created. The Masters and Servants can only fight to dictate their own terms for its revival."

"All the same," Shirou said, "is that really worth it to let other people die for it? Do you think that's actually fair at all?"

"Of course not," Kirei quickly said, "but what I, a mere mortal, think of the fairness of existence is of no importance in this. Listen, Emiya Shirou. The role of a Master is not one that can be shuffled aside because you have no need or desire for it. Although it's unlikely the responsibility would have come upon you had you had no actual desire for it, whether you are aware of that or not."

"What are you trying to say?" Shirou blinked.

Kirei kept his steady, calm lecture on. "Forfeiting in the Grail War pretty much equals forfeiting your life. I won't deny there are ways to abandon the duties imposed upon you, but be warned most of them are likely to have you killed, and others destroyed as well. This is a do-or-die game, and your fellow contestants, extremely rare and foolish exceptions aside, will not give you any second chances. I believe you will only run into a single exception in this particular War."

Rin grumbled. "And this is what I get from playing fair to you, I see."

"Playing fair in a Grail War would seem to be a generally bad idea," Kirei softly reminded her, "although your assistance and adherence to the Church's rules on the subject is duly noted. Keep in mind, however, you're a Magus, and this is one of the areas our respective fields see in quite divergent ways."

Shirou sighed. "Okay, So you're telling me the only thing I can do is keeping on fighting until I get my hands on this Grail thing, right?"

"Indeed," Kotomine said. "That will be your test, and not only for your fighting spirit, but of your ruthlessness. The Grail is able to grant any wish its Master can ask from it. We could say whoever controls it can effectively control and shape the world. In the hands of a fiend, it would destroy us all. In the hands of a saint... who could say what good could it do?"

Of course, that was an elegant way to avoid outright saying the answer would actually be no good wish could be achieved from the Grail anymore, but reaching that conclusion would have been too much for Rin, much less Shirou.

Emiya gulped, his throat now very dry. "I don't think I could bear the weight of that kind of responsibility on my shoulders."

"Then, if you enter the War with that kind of doubt in your heart, you have already lost," Kirei grimly cautioned. Truth be told, his tone was no different at all from before, but the words and the atmosphere made it sound very bleak for Shirou. "Why not to embrace your courage, instead of being chained by your fear?" the priest asked, opening his arms. "A man your age should be thrilled at a chance to fulfill his wildest dreams. What kind of young heart doesn't dream of being a great hero of justice?"

Shirou flinched, and now Kirei did smile in a way that felt more vivid, but also visibly more disturbing, even if only for a quick moment.

Rin frowned. "Kirei," she said. "You're supposed to be neutral. I don't think you should be manipulating Masters by goading them."

Kirei's arms returned to their original position. "It is my first sworn duty to help those in need, and there are those who only can find salvation through helping others. The legendary heroes who qualify to become Servants were that sort of person, and it is just logical someone who would summon them, without a prior drive to do so, would have the same sort of determination."

For all Rin detested Kotomine, she could not deny his uncanny ability to describe people shortly after getting to meet them. She had no adequate way to rebuke his point.

"Only one Hero can hold the reins of destiny," Kirei ranted, "and so all those who cannot meet the challenges demanded from the greatest Hero must perish so—"

"Hold on, don't start putting weird ideas in his mind now," Rin interrupted. "All Servants but one must die through the War, yes, but there's no rule saying all Masters must die as well. Technically, once a Servant is defeated, their Master will pose no threat anymore, so going after them past that point is only a waste of efforts." She smiled at Shirou. "As long as you're skilled enough, you don't have to kill a single human being through this War, Emiya-kun."

He frowned at her. "So you say! Look, I've lived with Saber for weeks now, and she's as human as any of us where it matters! Even if your Servant doesn't look human at all, he still acts like one as well! I can't believe you're so cold, Issei was right!"

"Well, Rin is Rin after all," Kirei commented, as Rin fumed at such lame wordplay on the meaning of her name. It wouldn't even make any sense in the English language narration! "But don't fool yourself, boy. Servants were created to be destroyed, and they are all too aware of that fact. If they were the kind of people to panic at the idea of losing their lives, they would never have become Heroic Spirits to begin with. You don't become a heroic spirit by lying down and getting messily killed without fighting back."

 _Somewhere, Avenger sneezed._

"That doesn't make it right, for us to use them and throw their lives away!" Shirou protested.

"The life of a Servant is wasted only when it's not used for its intended purpose," Kotomine told him. "Besides, they've already died anyway, and will not last long in this world without the war to sustain them, so it's not like they can go off and retire on some farm if they wanted to. Their days are numbered either way. I'm sure your Servant would berate you if you shared those thoughts with them. Actual human lives, on the other hand, will be lost if you allow a Master with a heart set on evil obtain the Holy Grail. It's up to you deciding which is the greater wrong."

Shirou seethed. "You're acting as if it's okay to pick a wrong just because it's 'not as big' as another one! But that's not how it should be! Wrong is wrong, no matter what!"

"Let me put it this way," Kirei coolly lectured. "Do you know what happened the last time, ten years ago, a fool refused to master the Grail that had manifested itself for him?"

Shirou recoiled instantly.

"The Great War is intended to appear in sixty year intervals," Kotomine said. "During each manifestation, no man or woman has proven worthy of controlling its power, and that has led to conflict time and time again. However, the winner of the last War took it even further than anybody else, and because of that, the city of Fuyuki was destroyed. Is that the fate you would, through your inaction, allow to befall Mahora?"

Shirou felt truly sick, a feeling of crushing chill filling his innards. Brief flashes of all consuming fire came to his mind, making him squirm in almost forgotten— but never truly dispelled— pain.

In other words, he was having a Negi Moment.

Tohsaka looked at him with mild concern. "Um, you okay, Emiya-kun? Look, I know this is a lot to take in, why don't you take a seat, I can bring you some wat—"

He gestured at her with a hand to stop talking, then stared into Kirei's even serpentine eyes, his own ablaze. "I still hate this cruel game of yours, and given the first chance to cut it short, then I'll gladly do so. But I'm not letting anything like that happen again if I can help it!"

"Then rejoice, Emiya Shirou," Kotomine Kirei told him. "Because you have just become a Hero. Now all you have to decide is whether you'll die as a failure of a Hero or live as a success. And possibly be remembered as a villain. I make no promises."

Shirou huffed while stepping back. "Gee, thanks for the seal of approval for my first test, then!"

"Now, now, don't take it that badly," Kirei said, his mood apparently improved considerably. "Should you exhaust your Command Seals and lose your Servant, or should your Servant perish in battle, all you need to do is come here, and my sacred duty will be protecting you, even at the cost of my own life, until the War is over. It's fairly quiet and comfortable here. Everybody praises Cocone-chan's pancakes, even if I find them somewhat... tasteless. But then, my taste buds are different." He paused. "Though I have to warn you about Father Garterbelt. Seriously, watch your ass there."

"He's not joking," Rin told the upset Shirou out of the a corner of her mouth.

"Of course," Kirei cautioned, "I can't guarantee the other Masters will let you live long enough to cross our gates. Your own Servant is also all but guaranteed to murder you should you fail them. Most of them come from times where their concepts of honor and justice, not to mention fair play, do not match ours all that well. And some could just be murderous psychos who like killing people."

"Duly noted," Shirou mumbled, his mood definitely soured from when he had entered.

"So hold on to those Command Seals unless you absolutely need to use of them," the priest warned. "That is the best advice I can give you for now. But, if you have any further questions...?"

"Um, yeah, actually," Shirou doubted, "Where would you have your—"

"That hallway, the second door to the right," Kirei helpfully pointed down another side. "Next to the stature of Saint Mungo."

"Wait, that's a real saint?" Shirou asked.

"Of course. Who do you think stole the secrets of British magic and revealed them to Rome so that we could kill the heretics?" Kirei said.

Shirou stared at him, then quickly headed towards the restroom the House of the Lord had reserved for His sons.

Yep, Rin decided, the bastard really had a scary gift for reading people like books...

* * *

"Before this temporary relationship of ours goes any further," Fujiyoshi Harumi said, stopping by her dorm room's door, "you should know we aren't any happier with this than you are, Kotaro-kun. We're not pedophile perverts like 3-A, after all. Well, pedophile perverts and an old-man chaser."

"Somehow I doubt that," the mouthy kid standing between her and Abiru said, his single bag of luggage thrown around his shoulder. "But don't worry, I'll be gone sooner than you expect."

"Don't get me wrong," Harumi said while opening the door and taking her shoes off, "it's not like we hate children, we aren't that Asuna girl, but we aren't exactly thrilled about the idea of being mothers, replacement or not, just yet."

"I'm used to taking care of myself. No sweat," Kotaro said as he gestured for Abiru to walk in next, which she did. "You'll barely notice I'm even— _Holy crap, what is this?!"_

The living room of the girls' shared quarters was far messier than any other room of girls he'd ever seen, which on the other hand only amounted to Nodoka and Yue's, his mother's, and those in a few mansions he'd had to hide in while performing kidnappings or data theft. He still had the occasional nightmare about the job at the Shiratori Manor, where that creepy woman who still dressed like a pink-obsessed teenager had held him hostage, calling him 'Henriette', putting dresses on him, and forcing him into a whole week of tea parties (an incidentally giving all those cautionary stories his mother had once told him about strangers who might kidnap him a very wacked-out context he kept to this day). But at least her living quarters had been neatly ordered.

This? This was a madwoman's place. Or rather, make that two madwomen. Half of the room had been turned into a disorganized manga studio, with a drawing board, plenty of illustration implements everywhere, and tons of reference material consisting of photographs of handsome young men in several states of undress stuck on walls and furniture alike. The other half, while far more organized in the strict sense of the world, was if anything even more bizarre, as it was aligned with what could be most charitably called the extensive collection of a deranged mind obsessed with animals of the dead kind. On small tables, portraits of large animals showed them alongside Abiru herself, sometimes hugging each other (even in the case of impressively large tigers and bears), sometimes with Abiru in safari gear riding them or posing by their side. Next to those pictures you'd see plenty stuffed and mounted bodies of smaller animals like lizards, chameleons, exotic bull frogs and strange looking field mice and moles, most often with tiny golden plaques under them, stating their given names, species and date of death. Only one of the pictures showed Abiru with another human being, and that was an American looking little girl who sort of looked like a red-haired Loli Elmer Fudd in a dress, both of them making 'V' signs at the camera while standing before several cages holding assorted howling apes, toucans, and miserable looking ducks and dogs.

The most disturbing part of it all, however, was the wide wall where, instead of a collection of mounted animal heads like those many big name hunters, certain kinds of aristocrats, and some kinds of Crazy Rich People that were on the cusp of turning to supervillainy owned, Abiru held a collection of mounted animal tails. Crocodile tails. Tasmanian devil tails. Fluffy bunny rabbit tails. Paradise bird tails. Lion tails. Monkey tails. Even a few tails Kotaro was sure belonged to animals which only existed in the World of Magic, and…

"Is that… Is that a dinosaur tail?!" he gasped, pointing at the biggest tail of them all, which had been placed at the middle of them, and was obviously reptilian and scaly. "And how the heck did you get permission for all this! That's gotta be some kind of structural violation!"

Abiru nodded. "Yes. Father is a field agent for the Japanese division of S.H.I.E.L.D., and he was once assigned to the Savage Land. Best half year of my life…" she dreamily sighed, experiencing fond memories of running after a terrified sabertooth tiger brandishing a knife while the tiger's handsome, macho-blond owner in nothing but a loincloth chased after her in turn, yelling at her to stop. "Father enjoyed the local women in fur bikinis too."

"Uh," Kotaro said.

"As you can see, Harumi's hobby is drawing manga," Abiru explained, "but mine is looking after animals. And mostly, looking after animal tails. Ah, tails, I love them so much," she mused, reaching over to caress the tail of a Mississipi snapping turtle. "Short or long alike, tails are wonderful. I'd love having a tail so much! There's nothing I wouldn't do for a little tail!"

"Y-Yeah, I suppose that'd be advantageous," Kotaro shuddered, feeling the tail he was keeping retracted right above his anus shrinking in place. No wonder the cagey old man had assigned him there. After all of Egghead's blunders, no doubt he wanted Kotaro to be in a place where, no matter what, he couldn't reveal his true nature. "So, um, anyway," he gulped, looking at the other side of the room, "why don't those guys have clothes on?"

"I'd love to answer that, but I've been forbidden by the faculty to discuss this matter with children," Harumi informed. "Which makes it all the more puzzling why they'd send you here…"

"I mean, I can understand the basics of having references for drawing people," Kotaro hummed as he approached one batch of pictures, "I'm not dumb, I know it's easier to sketch the naked figure first and then add the clothes on them, and you have to worry about the anatomy and all that, but why are all of these men, and why do those two look like they're—"

Harumi gently stepped in and slapped his hand away before he could flip through a stack of images. "Kotaro-kun," she said, "those are Oneechan's No-No pictures, got that? If you're going to live with Oneechan, then you'll have to leave those alone so your mother won't sue Oneechan, and it's not like you're really be interested in them anyway."

"Wow, Harumi-chan," Abiru said. "I'm impressed. That's some commendable show of restraint."

"Who do you think I am, Paru?" Harumi shot back.

Kotaro blinked. "Why that much fuss over some dumb pictures? It's not like I haven't seen naked men before, I enjoy public baths a lot!" He craned his neck, trying to get a better view of some of Harumi's sketches. "Wow, you draw wrestling manga! That's great, I love wrestling! The real kind, that is, not the fakes…"

"Th-That isn't wrestling!" the mangaka yelped, slamming an 'H-Manga for Dummies' tome on top of the revealing sketches. "Don't ask what it is, but it isn't wrestling!"

"You sure? Because it sure looked like they were grappling…"

"Wh-What if I show you another of my hobbies instead?" Harumi stammered nervously, reaching around to pull out a collection of false animal ears, most of them nekomimi attached to headbands. "Look, these are nice accessories for people of all ages!"

"Isn't that silly cosplay stuff?" Kotaro grimaced.

"There's nothing silly about animal ears!" Harumi chided. "They are the ultimate in charm accessories for women, men and children!"

"Tails are better, but ears aren't bad either," Abiru said.

"And they complement each other!" Harumi enthused. "There's nothing cuter than seeing someone wearing matching animal ears and tail! Hmmm… your name is Inugami-kun, isn't it?"

Kotaro recoiled instinctively. "W-Wait, what are you trying to say—"

Harumi and Abiru looked at each other, smiled, shared a nod, and then each held a set of false dog ears and a false dog's tail respectively.

"AUUUUGHHHH! No, no, take your hands off there! I don't wanna! Bad touch, bad touch!"

"Oh, Kotaro-kun! You're a natural!"

"Yes, it's like you were meant to wear these!"

"See! This is why I hate dames!"

 _Cheeky old bastard_ , he thought, _I know I kidnapped your granddaughter, but this is going way too far!_

All in all, he was kind of missing Shiratori Azusa already.

* * *

 _Mundus Magicus:_

"I've always liked animals," Ascot reminisced fondly, with a faraway intonation to his words. "Ever since I was a toddler, after my birth village was ravaged during one of the pointless wars humans wage on each other, I've looked after animals, and animals have looked after me."

He ran a hand through the fur on Gilda's side, making her purr while the Fairy Tail members were covered by thousands and thousands of bugs and critters breaking through the ground and leaping on them, swarming all over their bodies, biting and chomping and clawing savagely. At the same time assorted birds and tiny reptilian beasts with leathery wings pecked and slashed on them from above. Too small for Erza's sword slashes to connect on most of them, and while Natsu and Gray's wider area attacks were proving more effective, proximity to each other as the animals kept pushing them closer lessened the effects of their respective magic. Natsu's fire died down quickly in contact with Gray's cold, and Gray's ice quickly melted being so close to his partner's flames.

"You're ruining it all, moron! Move away!"

"Moving away? Why should I?! This is my battlefield! Scram, scram!"

"I don't remember you ever putting a property sign on this place!"

"Guys, stop it already!" Lucy yelled as her hair was being pulled back by two crows she quickly whipped out of the air with her trusty nine tails. She cringed before kicking away a few naked mole rats erupting from the ground to bite on her toes. She was faring better than the boys, however, as Virgo kept on efficiently driving attackers back from her, no motion wasted, a look of fierce silent resolve on the maid-themed Spirit's face. "Erza-san! Let's take the fight to the Beastmaster already, okay?!"

"On it!" the armored redhead nodded, leaping over the through dozens of frantic wildlife species rushing on her, cutting a bloody swat through them before Ascot, scowling at her, made a motion of swatting a hand through the air. And from a portal that suddenly appeared between them, a gigantic roaring minotaur with a conveniently pixelated lower area flung himself at Erza, his black mace and Scarlet's sword colliding with a thunderous boom. "Damn it!"

Lucy's eyes popped at the sight of the impressive length of blurry pixels between the minotaur's legs. "What the—! I'm glad this is just an 'M' fic!"

Natsu briefly paused to cringe, and then briefly squeeze on his own crotch. "That… That isn't that much bigger than mine, anyway…"

Gray chuckled as he blasted a pack of wild dogs away with hammer-shaped ice projectiles, his own censored area hanging loose. "Heh. Next you'll be saying you're just cold, and that that's my fault too…"

"Look who's talking, your pixels aren't exactly that impressive!" protested Natsu, pointing down at Gray's censored area. "And you're butt naked again, dumbass!"

"I couldn't help it, these stupid animals have destroyed my clothes, you lunkhead!"

"I've been fighting the same animals and I've only got a few rips on mine!" Natsu pointed out. Standing shortly behind him, Happy chuckled, winked at the audience, and pointed at the back of Natsu's pants, where a large hole had been opened, showing his butt.

Ascot grimaced at them all, then sighed and continued narrating for the Magic Knights, who had been pushed into a close circle, all sorts of squirrels, bunnies, armadillos, an aardvark on two legs who kept crossing swords with Nanami while wondering aloud "What's Cerebus doing here?", bobcats, really huge-ass spiders, flying hot spring turtles, Liddo-kuns, fast-footed kiwis who kept in flashing back and forth over the Knights pecking and kicking them, and lizards with spotted backs and very long necks, pressing on their attacks on them.

"Wherever we went, however, my friends and I would be bothered and hunted by the dumb, dumb, evil people!" the little boy said, growing agitated and gesturing towards the struggling members of the Guild. "Just look at them! They're doing it even now! They won't care if my friends get hurt as long as they get paid!"

"And if you cared, you'd call them back already!" Hikaru pointed out, unable to do more than pushing animals back with small bursts of fire without burning her friends as well. "They're hurting them only because you keep siccing them on them!"

"I know," Ascot said with a bitter hiss, his hand stopping petting Gilda, "and I hate myself for that. But they'll keep getting hurt unless I kill you now, and I stop your threat to Zagato's plans. In the perfect world Zagato will help bring forth, all my friends will live happily forever. All of them…"

"What, what are you saying?!" Yukino asked, swinging her heavy shield as best as she could to keep the animals coverging on her at bay, which was mostly working as she had less bite and claw marks on her than Nanami, Tsuwabuki or Hikaru. "Zagato's just a kidnapper out for power out to usurp the Princess' throne! What lies has he told you?!"

Ascot paused, his eyes briefly visible as they blinked under his heavy bangs. "An usurper…? Is that… what you've been told…?"

He broke into laughter. "What a bunch of stupid ol' poopie-heads! What a laugh! Are you so blind, you can't see all those old adults out there will manipulate you into—"

"Zagato's an adult too, you little fool!" Erza growled while quickly driving the minotaur further and further back with a barrage of lightning speed swordsplay, making the ancient beast roar in confused frustration, but not enough to defeat him just yet.

"Ah, but he's an adult with a dream, and as long as man has a dream, there's still a bit of a child in him," Ascot said, wagging a finger in mock playfulness. "And there are no bigger dreams than those brought by the Entelecheia."

"Cosmo Entelechia?!" Erza briefly stiffened, although not enough to render the next mace slam from the minotaur useful; on sheer combat instinct, she skillfully parried it, even through the shock of hearing that name again, and retaliated by stabbing on a flank of the howling man-beast.

Ascot bristled at that sight, but managed to recompose himself, for his mightily endowed warrior kept on fighting regardless. "Are you that much older than you seem, Grandma? I thought adults had made their best to make children ignore that name, and to forget it themselves." He cocked his head aside to the Magic Knights, which were literally back on back now, with no further room to maneuver. "Don't worry, I'll tell you all about them. As soon as your friends are dead and you're about to follow, of course, since it's just stupid starting the explanations while there's still—"

It was then that, with no further warning, a gigantic carrot was thrown on his face, sending him flying in circles several feet back before landing on his face in the dirt.

* * *

"Anyway," Haruka said, clenching a confident smirk while reaching into her side pocket, her fingertips grasping the edges of her Pactio Card, "now what? Are you officially decallrating war on Mahora? That insanity would be quickly answered by our school. Because no-one tops us at insanity!"

"I've heard," Inumuta smoothly commented while navigating the web.

"War is to be declared in a proper grandeur," Satsuki told Haruka, her eyes fixed on hers, "and you hardly are the sole audience we are aiming for. Don't think so highly of yourself! I only want you to deliver this message to Evangeline, that we will meet again at your Festival!"

"And that's where you want to proanounce yourself," Haruka guessed.

Satsuki smiled. "You'd hardly find a wider venue for such a declaration, would you?"

"Sorry," Haruka said, "but my duties to Mahora would never allow me to keep this quiet until then. Headmaster Konoe, too, will know about this."

Satsuki shrugged as if nothing. "Let him know! In the great scheme of things, his time's already passed, and he means nothing! He knows we are coming anyway! Do you think your presence here is a test for us? It is, no doubt, a test of character for you!"

Haruka boggled slightly for a moment, before hissing low, her Card starting to peek out, "Just because your Principal happens to be a pushingover joke, don't assume Konoe Konoemon is one as well. He's far more than you Reddit him for." "I think this one's yours, Doggy-boy?" Jakuzure smiled at Inumuta.

He wagged a finger briefly. "I pass. Too easy."

"That's your problem, Suzushiro Haruka," Kiryuin told the Mahora representative. "You have the raw ambition, skill and power needed to seize power and stand with the truly strong! We have followed your career. Despite being disliked by your peers, you still rose to a position of great authority! You keep the sinking ship of fools that is the Mahora student body barely afloat practically on your own! Despite the loss of your right hand woman! And you haven't cracked before Dark Evangel yet. I can respect that, which is why you still stand. HOWEVER!"

"However what?" Haruka asked after a silence.

"That," Satsuki informed her, "was a dramatic pause! However! You waste our own resources, your own inner strength, by blindly trusting those who deem themselves your superiors! You lower yourself by respecting Fujino's leadership when you think yours is clearly better!"

"That was the will of the voters!" Haruka argued. "Even if I don't agree, I'm still obligationated to respectate it!"

"The will of foolish masses is nothing but folly to mend, self-destroying imprudence to correct by any necessary means!" Satsuki argued back, balling up a fist. "Keep that well in mind! And also, when you return to Mahora, and report to the people you grovel to, you'd do better to ask them how that's turned out for those who came before you! Ask Evangeline whatever happened to Kitami Reika!"

Haruka blinked. "... who?"

Nonon arched an eyebrow, quietly sipping from the tea cup she had just refilled for herself.

"Just ask her that, and see if she's woman enough to answer with the truth, blind puppet!" Satsuki growled, returning her attentions to the storm raging outside. Squinting, she seemed to stare into a small burning point in the distance, and added abruptly, "This discussion is over! Nonon!"

"Haiiiiiii, Satsuki-chan?" Nonon asked, having finished her tea and nibbling on a tiny heart shaped sugary snack.

"Fujino and Suzushiro will no doubt be tired after the trip. Show them the baths. Gamagoori! You will come with me. It seems there's an insect who hasn't learned her lesson just yet!"

"... only a moment, please," Haruka said after a moment of furious scowling, tempered by breathing deeper, thinking of Yukino, and remembering a few things she'd been forced to learn of late. She pulled her cellphone, and not her Card, out, and dialed an impossibly long sequence of numbers, to which Inumuta, Gamagoori and Jakuzure reacted with visible interest, but to which Satsuki only scoffed, already moving towards the door with a dutiful Gamagoori following, even if he still tried his best to listen on his way out. "Hello? Albert-san? It's me. Yes, I'm still there. No, I'm okay. I think you should learn of this. The tygrant of this place knows about Eva-san. Yes, of course, why wouldn't she? They probably went to Evil Hoverlady School together!"

Right before stepping out, one of Satsuki's prominent eyebrows twitched violently. "... I'm not that old!" she protested before leaving without a single word more.

"And they're all mutants! Or possibly Magical Girls!"

"We're not mutants or Magical Girls!" Inumuta, Gamagoori and Jakuzure all cried.

* * *

"Once upon a time," President Kiryuu narrated with an air of great solemnity, fragrant cup of tea elegantly gripped in a hand of slender fingers, "years and years ago, there was a little princess, and she was very sad, for her mother and father had died. Before the princess appeared a traveling prince, riding upon a white horse. He had a regal bearing and a kind smile. The prince wrapped the princess in a rose scented embrace and gently wiped the tears from her eyes."

The members of the Ohtori Student Council listened reverently while, sitting at the other side of the crystal table, Setsuna, Asuna and Konoka simply exchanged discreet perplexed glances and mutters of "Suspicious pervy behavior!", and Ayame-san stood behind them, arms respectfully folded behind her back. Whatever she was thinking about the whole situation was impossible to say, due to the neutrality of her expression, but probably had something to do with dick jokes.

"'Little one' he said," President Kiryuu continued, "'who bears up alone in such deep sorrow, never lose that strength or nobility, even when you grow up. I give you this to remember this day. We will meet again. This ring will lead you to me, one day.'"

 _"And then he left,"_ Asuna whispered into Konoka's ear, _"just like a man, right?"_

Konoka simply nodded in silence while Setsuna hissed and pinched Asuna's arm.

"Perhaps the ring the prince gave her was an engagement ring," the handsome red haired young man said, looking directly at the Mahora trio with an air of the most extreme seriousness. "This was all well and good, but so impressed was she by him, that the princess vowed to become a prince herself one day. But would that really be such a good idea?"

He lowered his cup, and finished, "And that is the legend of our Academy."

"... okay," Asuna said. "Um, it's a beautiful legend. Very... beautiful."

"I don't get it, was that princess your founder?" Konoka candidly asked while Setsuna stifled a mortified sound. "Or was that the prince? Or were the princess' parents the founders? I'm sorry, I find fairy tales to be lovely, but sometimes I get lost in the symbolism..."

As Setsuna made her best not to facepalm in shame, the skinny and delicate boy with short blue hair who sat by Kiryuu Touga's left answered with a soft, just as fragile voice while writing each statement down on a thick book of richly textured green covers, also making sure to take the exact time of each sentence, his own included, with the golden watch he kept on his left hand. "We, the members of the Ohtori Student Council, are the direct heirs of the Rose Prince's legacy. As such, we wear rings just like his," he explained, briefly showing the golden ring on his right hand, "and duel amongst ourselves for the true Prince amongst us, who will marry the Rose Bride."

"You mean the Princess," Asuna said. "And which prince are we talking about here, the prince on the horse or the princess who became a prince?"

The gorgeous young lady with orange curls who seemed to be oddly fascinated with Setsuna shook her head while still looking at the clearly uncomfortable Sakurazaki. "No. The Rose Bride is the fated spouse of that who will take the role of the Princess turned Prince, transfigured by the power that will revolutionize the world."

"Okay, that explains everything, thank you," Asuna nodded rapidly, her eyes very tiny.

The green haired boy who was almost as bishie as the President and sat by his right chuckled, his chin resting on the back of a perfectly manicured hand. Asuna couldn't help being reminded of that Jadeite guy with a wig on, and wondered if that wasn't him revived. Magical Girl villains tended to do that in anime. Although his face was far more angular, so that probably wasn't it. In anime, the bad guys' disguises were invariably pathetically obvious. "Not that it helps us at all, currently. We have lost our Rose Bride, taken away by the latest candidate to the role of the perfect Prince, through subterfuge, and then shanghaied away to your academy."

"In other words," the smallest of the three boys helpfully offered, "they escaped together."

"It wasn't an escape!" the green haired Vice President howled, losing all composure all of a sudden, slamming his hand down on the table. "It was kidnapping! Kidnapping! I knew we never should have allowed that big-breasted cow in!"

"..." Setsuna, Asuna and Konoka said, their heads growing sweatdrops.

"It was your own fault, Saionji," President Kiryuu said, "for treating the Rose Bride as your personal belonging. Had you been more mindful of her status, Tokiha Mai wouldn't have been lured in to try and foolishly steal her away from her duties."

"Tokiha Mai?" Konoka hummed, a finger on her lips. "I don't think I recognize that name... Are you saying she transferred to our school...?"

"She took refuge amongst us with someth— someone who was rightfully ours!" Vice President Saionji cried melodramatically, standing up violently and gesturing over the table like a veritable ham. "She interrupted our marital bliss and lured her away with false promises of happiness amongst deviancy!"

"... deviancy...?" the orange haired girl the Mahora delegates had been introduced to as Arisugawa Juri asked, with a hint of a dangerous edge to her voice, before looking again at Setsuna, this time less like a predatory hawk and more with the air of someone asking 'Can you believe this guy?!' to a peer. After a moment, Setsuna had to nod her agreement, and as one they and Konoka stared hostilely at Saionji Kyouichi.

Asuna added a few more sweatdrops to her head.

Kyouchi cringed, backing away. "Why, why are you looking at me that way, Representative of Mahora? If anything!" he grew more courageous, directly addressing Konoka and Konoka alone, "Your academy owes us a great debt of honor! If you aren't returning our Rose Bride, at least you should give us an equivalent one!"

Konoka blinked. "An equivalent prize, you mean? Well, I suppose I can ask Grandpa to pay you some measure of compensation... We can commission a nice statue or fountain for your lovely floating platform, and I'm sure we even could throw in—"

"Material goods cannot come anywhere close to the worth of my, I mean, our Bride!" Saionji bellowed while Miki and Juri shared oh-so-very-jaded glances. "We wish for a replacement Rose Bride!"

"Wh-What?!" Now Setsuna grew more agitated. "Vice President, please mind your manners! You cannot ask us to hand you any of our students, as if they were stock to be traded! Why, we'd never—!"

"We always could give them a 3-F student or two!" Asuna intervened. "I know Despair-sensei wouldn't mind!"

"Not helping, Asuna-san!" Setsuna told her.

"What kind of student would this Rose Bride have to be?" Konoka asked.

"W-Well," Saionji rasped, blushing slightly, "to be equal to Himemiya Anthy's worth, she'd have to be a very special sort of woman. She'd have to be a woman of incredible beauty and elegance, yet with strange, whimsical quirks only adding to her charm rather than spoiling it."

"She'd have to come from a prestigious lineage, related to one of the families that built and to this day still maintain the Four Main Schools," Juri added.

"There would need to be an incredible allure around her," Kaoru Miki expanded, "born from a perfect combination between approachability and distance. She'd have to be the sort of woman who will never reject your company, a perfect homemaker and wife with no delusions of grandeur; and yet she'd also need to have an unmistakable aura of unapproachable greatness about her, the kind of female you know you will never be good enough as to merit unless your feats surpass the impossible, and you become a Prince amongst Princes..."

Then the three of them sighed lovingly at once, leaning closer to each other.

"In other words," Kiryuu summed up, far more stoically, "she'd have to be unique. I dare saying each Academy only has one like her, at most."

By this point several arrows of all colors were hanging over Konoka, blinking out and in, and all pointing stubbornly at her while she just blinked repeatedly.

"Hmmmmm..." Asuna gulped.

Setsuna leapt from her chair, hugged Konoka fiercely, and pulled her against herself while baring her teeth at the Student Council, viciously hissing at them, _**"MINE...!"**_

Juri gave them a thumbs up.

Konoka cooed delightfully. "Oh, Setchan...! Had I known this, we'd have visited Ohtori long, long ago...!"

* * *

The rainstorm that had been hitting Honnouji had eventually extended itself across the whole area of the Four Schools, gigantic black clouds spreading southward. By the time Negi's Ala Alba left Evangeline's cabin after another subjective day and objective hour of stay there, Chachamaru had to distribute spare umbrellas among them again.

And once again, Eva had complained, grunting about why they couldn't start bringing their own umbrellas already, and harshly reminding them she wanted them back— the umbrellas, not necessarily the teammates—tomorrow in as good a shape as she'd handed them over. If not better. But that was behind them now, as were Eva's cabin itself and its inhabitants, as they were about to reach the female dormitories.

Rito and Lala were still with them since their house was further down the campus, and so other than the members who were currently out of town, it was a full membership of Ala Alba who ran across of—

"Emiya-san?"

The boy was not one Negi was familiar with, but he'd made a point of learning the names and faces of as many students all across the schools as he could, and he'd remember this one well because of his last name, and what it meant for the whole magical community. Recent experiences had only reinforced that importance. Kuro-san had not been restrained in bragging about how awesome her brother was.

"Negi-sensei?" the taller, older redhead asked back, squinting at him and his companions through the heavy curtain of constantly falling icy water. Since he had no umbrella on him at the time, he'd resorted to shielding himself under a newspaper he was holding over his head, but that newspaper was by now reduced to a sopping, limp mess of paper slowly breaking apart between his fingers. "What are you doing out here under this rain?"

He was not alone, Negi realized, for other than Tohsaka Rin-san, who hung close to him (her Servant currently invisible and herself well protected by an umbrella of her own, since she had lived in London until recently and had formed the habit of carrying her own umbrella due to that countries habit of trying to have spring summer, fall and winter all happen on the same day) there was another female standing closely behind the young man. One mostly wrapped in a concealing, gray long overcoat, with a blue baseball hat obscuring most of her features. For some reason, alock of hair was sticking through it. Somehow. The rain did not seem to be bothering her at all, as she just stood there making no effort to protect herself from it.

Truth be told, so much of her was hidden from sight Negi himself, months ago, wouldn't have been able to tell at first if that person happened to be male or female. But close constant contact with large numbers of females had sharpened such perceptions of his more than he'd care to admit or even acknowledge.

Rito, who was also far more familiar with details of feminine anatomy of late through repeated close exposure, knew it immediately as well, and so took a cautious step back, wanting to lessen the chances of slipping on a puddle and landing on that stranger or that famous Sempai with the twintails as much as he could.

The woman with the delicate, beautiful half-obscured features kept on looking sharply, emotionlessly at them with her piercing green eyes while Emiya Shirou answered apologetically. She seemed to be analyzing each one of them in much the same way Setsuna would do to incoming large groups of strangers while walking down the street. "Oh, yeah, that, this must look kinda strange for you, right? Sorry, um, w... came from the church just now."

"The church, right," Misa chuckled secretively, leaning closer to Madoka and Sakurako. "Like that excuse ever works."

"The church?" Negi blinked. "You mean—"

Misora, meanwhile, frowned at the trio of older teens. She was vaguely familiar with Tohsaka, she'd often visit Father Kirei and they'd have lots of secret reunions just the two of them, but that only made her dislike that Sempai. If her suspicions were right, she was sleeping on the side with Father Kirei, who was supposed to be her tutor or something like that, and seriously, who could ever trust anybody with taste that bad? She wondered if Tohsaka knew about Father Kirei's blond boytoy who came over a lot and practically lived in the basement with him.

"The Mary Magdalene, yeah," Emiya admitted to the boy everyone in campus knew. He was supposed to be a genius, so in turn Shirou supposed it was no shock he not only would recognize him as well but would know he was no Catholic, judging from his confused tone. "It's a long story, but ... oh, oh, my manners!" He seemed all too happy to change the subject while gesturing toward the silent woman. "I think you already know Tohsaka," this was confirmed by a dry nod from both Rin and Negi, "and this is, well, a friend of mine, a new friend—"

Then he seemed to get stuck again, as if at a loss to announce his alleged friend's name.

"Saber," she said, flat and calculated, studying Negi's presence carefully. "You may call me Saber. Pleased to meet you, Professor. I have heard of you."

Tohsaka had been, after all, generous enough to even give her a quick crash course on the local notables.

Then it struck Negi, and from the faint muted gasps behind him, he guessed Ayaka, Chisame and Haruna, at least, had made the connection as well. Saber. That name. Now he knew why she'd seemed vaguely familiar to him. The memories of Kuro-san's exposition during the trip to Kyoto came back to him, triggering all sorts of alarm signs. Kuro-san had said Emiya-san was her sibling back in her own world. And then, nights after that, Illyasviel von Einzbern herself had introduced herself to Negi, and said—

"Negi-sensei, are you okay?" Emiya-san asked him, now sounding even more worried, and Negi cursed himself inwardly. Control, he urged himself. Now more than ever, you need control. This must be what Kuro-san was preparing you for. Rise to the challenge, then. Don't let it show. Your fear. Your—

He nodded mechanically. "Y-Yes. Sorry, Emiya-san. I just happened to have... a slight spell of sorts. I mean, I, I had a lot of physical exercise today, and I was a bit dizzy, but that's all right, we'll just head back home and—"

Then there was a slight, soft giggle he knew all too well, despite hearing it only once before. But it had left a lasting mark on his memory, and so Negi clenched his teeth, while Saber-san grew alert, her hand as if gesturing for something at her side. Emiya-san also looked in the direction the tiny, cute giggle had come from, down the deserted street, into the growing shadows of the stormy day.

Then the ground beneath their feet seemed to shake ever so lightly, once, then twice, as a gigantic lurching shape appeared in the distance slowly heading towards them, became visible, with a much smaller figure sitting atop it. Negi's blood froze in his veins. Misa frowned and then squinted as much as possible, since the smaller shape seemed oddly familiar to her for some reason.

"Shirou. Behind me," Saber-san curtly said, but Emiya was as paralyzed as Negi was at the time, although from perplexity rather than dread.

"I had been waiting for this moment, and it was about time!" the tiny, pale person sitting atop the muscular, shirtless giant with grayish skin and red eyes that almost seemed to glow said, loud and clear. Neither of them seemed upset in the slightest by the intense rain either. "For my two brothers to be together, so I could introduce myself properly! Good afternoon, Shirou-kun and Negi-kun!"

She tilted ahead just a bit, perfect, tiny white teeth glinting or at least giving the illusion of it, her diminutive hands wrangled into the thick, messy black locks of her ride's long hair. Violet eyes feasting on the sights before her. Anticipating what there was to come.

"Your big sister's here," she said. "Your Illya-chan!"

"Ah!" Misa cried, pointing and rushing back in shocked recognition. _"White Kuro!"_

Rito blinked. "White Black?" he dubiously repeated. And Rin groaned to herself. Another lame Japanese wordplay gag that wouldn't work half as well in English anyway!

The man was truly gigantic, a mass of grotesque muscle wielding a massive slab of rock that was to the sword what the rock is to the bullet. It was easily twice as big as Illya herself. Chisame guessed that had to be her Servant, although he did not look at all like the Dark Knight Kuro had spoken about while mentioning her 'sister's' Servant. Still, he definitely gave a matching sense of threat and undiluted power, and even the often stupidly brave Negi could not blame Emiya-san for freezing in place where he stood, one of his hands tightly wrapped around one of Saber's wrists.

While Tohsaka cursed under her breath and swiftly shook some gems out of her sleeves, expertly rolling them between her fingers, the blond woman simply stood defiantly in an expert stance and as if holding some manner of invisible or imaginary weapon between her hands. With a mere shrug, she had allowed the long coat drop off herself, momentarily revealing to be a pair of skimpy shorts, a nigh-microscopic top, very high stockings and some shoes before there was a blaze of light, and when she was visible again she wore a long regal blue dress with armored plates all over it, plus heavy, thick gloves of matching armor.

Chisame was instantly jealous at how modest and lacking in nudity her transformation sequence was.

It hardly looked like the most comfortable outfit to fight in, Negi dimly thought before his full attention returned to Illyasviel, who had shifted around so she sat cross legged on a shoulder of the giant.

"Illya-san," the younger boy said. "Why are you here? It can't be to hurt me, since otherwise you'd have done it the first time we met..."

"Do you know her?" Saber coolly asked him, her eyes still fixed on the titan who fumed at her like a mad bull waiting to be released.

Negi had to nod slowly. "Not too much, but yes... We have crossed paths once before. And her Servants looks… vaguely familiar for some reason. But—"

"That's not all, I also happened to meet your little girlfriend back at London," Illya mischievously said, eyes narrowing and smirk growing. "Spirited young lady, I actually liked her a lot! Better make sure she won't ever become your grieving widow!"

"Girlfriend?" Ayaka coldly asked, her hand briefly stopping in the task of pulling her Pactio card out. _"Widow?!"_

"Anya?" Negi gasped, his hand reaching for his staff without even fully realizing it. "You... You didn't do anything to Anya, did you?"

"Why is she the first girl to come to your mind when someone talks about your girlfriend?" Misora asked pointedly.

"How many other people does he know who lives at London, dumbass?" Chisame sizzled at her. "Seriously, do you think this really is the moment to be thinking of that crap?!"

"I said I liked her, didn't I?" the tiny albino asked back, smirk dissolving. "As for you, I won't make such promises just yet. First I have to see if you're indeed a worthy brother of mine. I can tell, however, someone else isn't."

"Wow," Makie blinked. "So that's your little sis, Negi-kun? I like her, she's cute! The added edge only makes her cuter! So we've found one of the sisters your dad was talking about…"

"She is n—" Negi began, then bit his tongue as it clearly was unwise to provoke the obvious prodigy Magus with a Servant at her beck and call. "Illya-san, please listen, let's be reasonable here, I'm not sure what have you heard about us, but—"

Illya's gaze drifted towards Shirou, who was coming back to himself enough as to now try and pull Saber back with himself, and completely fail at doing so. "Although," the small girl added, completely ignoring Negi now, "I wasn't expecting for this boy to be able to summon a Servant himself, and of the Saber class, no less. I see Father might have been able to teach him something after all. Well," she said, leaping down to land on her booted feet on the sidewalk, scaring Misa further, and then pulling the edges of the skirt up a bit, enough as to properly accompany her subtle bowing in a cutesy curtsy, "now we'll see exactly how much! Berserker! Kill that ugly Servant!"

Then there was a roar, not unlike that of a huge beast from long gone eras, something that might have haunted the nightmares of the first men and women in a young world, something that chilled Negi, Keiichi, Rito and Shirou to their very cores, and made Madoka, Misora, Sora and Ai shriek while covering their ears. Itoshiki yawned and drew out his ruler.

And then, in a blink, before any of them could truly react past the primal dread or awe that roar elicited from them, the massive titan was charging at them with incredible speed, so fast as a matter of fact only one of them could react to it. That was Saber, who similarly charged forward, leaving Emiya's hand suddenly holding nothing but air, and ducking under the first mace swing of the colossus, striking with her invisible or imaginary (Negi dearly hoped for the former) weapon at the muscular midsection of the Berserker.

And Negi could literally feel the shockwaves of the clash making the ground rattle under his feet. He hadn't seen such display of power since Kyoto; even the mountain of a man known only as Walter who had fought Kotaro recently seemed to be nothing compared to the raw aura of power literally emanating from this behemoth, who didn't even flinch at the obviously also very powerful direct attack Saber had directed at his granitic body.

Instead of expressing any pain or being set back at all, the Berserker simply swatted Saber aside like a fly, sending her crashing against a wall. "SABER!" Shirou cried, trying to rush for her, before Negi, still mostly reacting instinctively, held him from behind, pulling him back before the taller young man could advance.

"Oh crap!" Rin backed away further on agile legs, readying her magic and commanding Vigilante in a whisper to hold himself back just yet. She suspected his apparition in the middle of this particular situation could only cause more chaos and worsen things, rather than actually helping any. She could hear his faint growl of frustration, but he obviously didn't dare disobey her yet, since one moment later the puff of purple smoke still failed to manifest itself.

Negi steeled himself, breathing as deeply as he could. He could feel the nervous gazes of his team, all on him, as they tensely waited for his reaction, their cue of what to do. Well, all but Lala-san, who only stared in wide eyed fascination at Berserker's display of raw power, no doubt scheming to end up studying him under a microscope eventually. And maybe even literally to boot.

So. That was what leadership truly felt like. He wasn't all too sure he liked that feeling just yet. It was very different, despite the surface similarities, to what he felt in his comfortable role as a teacher.

For all he knew, he would be very outmatched here, in this conflict between legendary heroes whose recognition dwarfed even that of his father. In fact, he was practically sure of it. As for his team, they didn't have Setsuna, Asuna and Haruka, their strongest hitters, or Konoka, their healer, and they were too far to be summoned, not that he wanted to endanger them as well in the first place anyway.

Still, he couldn't just stand back and simply let that happen as he did nothing but watching.

 _"Ras Tel Ma Scir Magister..."_ he began to softly chant under his breath...

 _"Bure bure bure bure..."_ Itoshiki joined him, since after all he could recognize a golden chance to die whenever he saw it .

* * *

 **You Should (NEVER!) Make A Movie Of That**.

"— but then Puddin' broke into Belle Reve and freed me, and that's the last time I ever worked for the government!" Harley finished, remarking on her point by kissing two of her own fingers and them shaking them off vigorously.

"... okay," Ruri said while sitting at the middle of the quietly listening Hansel, Gretel, Tsukuyomi and Quartum.

"For a story about something named a Suicide Squad, I was expecting more people to kill themselves. I'm disappointed in you," Tsukuyomi ended up saying.

"Your story is bad and you should feel bad," Quartum agreed with a nod.

"I only liked the part where the government stooge crushed the witch's still beating heart in his hand," Hansel added. "I like it when witches die! Did you ever kill any more witches?"

Harley grimaced. "Um, okay. I haven't told you about the time we took on General Zod and he killed Boomerang, have I? I think you might like that one..."

"How could he have died then, if he still was alive by the time you had your last job for the—" Gretel began.

"We're supervillains, supervillains come back from the dead all the time, okay?!" Harley said.

Joker threw a book on her head from the next room. "I heard that! What's with the gag about saying I had tattoos? You know I've never liked tattoos! Are you saying you'd like me better with tattoos? Or you mistaking me with another clown with tattoos you've been fooling around, you skank?! Well, I'm so sorry for not having tattoos, Little Miss Damaged! What next, do you want me to peel my face off? Grow a mustache? Get a nose job? What happened to the natural acid-splashed look being good enough?"

Harley pouted. "It's like I still have a bomb collar on all the time, anyway..."

* * *

 _Walking to the end of creation! My name inscribed there upon a coffin!_

As the grandiose music blared across the platform, Asuna turned aside to look at Ayame, who now sat by her side with a completely neutral expression, "Who writes these lyrics for you, anyway?"

"We have a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy on this, actually," Ayame replied, just as flatly as her face emoted.

"Only on this?" Asuna muttered before looking back at Setsuna, pumping a fist up. "Go, Setsuna-san, go! Yayyyyy, Setsuna-san...!"

"Asuna-san, please, I appreciate the feeling, but try conveying it more elegantly!" requested Setsuna, who had traded in her gorgeous dress for a stock Ohtori PE uniform and now stood at the edge of the Duel Arena with a fencing blade in her right hand. She frowned at the unfamiliar weapon she held, measuring its ridiculous weight and uncomfortable handle, and then just shrugged at it, calling out for Konoka. "Just hold on there, Ojou-sama! This won't take long!"

 _At the end of the world! Walking to the end of creation!_

Konoka, who sat at the Arena's other end, surrounded by a stoic Juri and Touga, giggled cutely, now clad in a beautiful sleeveless red dress, with a golden crown on her head. "Don't pressure yourself, Setchan! Just have fun!"

Saionji sneered as he took his place at the Arena, a fist cockily on a slim angular hip. "I trust your weapon won't betray you, Mahora bodyguard? We could get you a bokken, if you'd prefer that."

"Thanks, but that won't be necessary," Setsuna said, assuming a ready position. "Truth be told, I'd never fought with one of these, but I suppose it won't be that much of an issue."

"Such arrogance," Saionji coldly huffed, fingers reaching in another direction. "Well, if this is truly a fitting Rose Bride, then she should provide a suitable Sword of Dios in—"

As soon as his fingers began twitching dangerously close to a blinking Konoka's chest, he had Setsuna and Asuna's knees firmly slammed into his face, and a split second later Konoka's crashed against the back of his neck.

"... oi!" he squealed before collapsing on the floor, crumpling down into a heap.

Touga sighed and asked Miki, "How long—?"

"I hadn't even started taking the time!" Miki protested, the watch in his hand still closed.

"Never mind," the slightly exasperated Touga sighed, two fingers running circles on his smooth forehead. "Saionji made a mistake assuming the Mahora Rose Bride would have the same properties as Himemiya. Well, she might have a Sword of Dios—"

"I don't have a sword in my chest!" Konoka said, taking a hand to her breast. "Why would I ever have a sword in my chest?! Just because my dad is a swordsman? Genetics don't work that way! Why would there be a sword in anyone's chest?"

 _In the lower right corner of the screen, Deadpool and Tsukuyomi waved. "Yo! Here's your favorite sword-in-chest-ers!" they cheered. "When you absolutely need to put a sword in someone's chest!"_

"— but we'll have to verify that after we have gained her hand," Touga continued ignoring her while addressing Juri. "Arisugawa, looks like the responsibility falls on you."

"Very well," the orange haired beauty smiled as she seized Saionji's place, unsheathing her own blade while Miki dutifully swept the twitching Kyouichi aside. "Prepare yourself, gallant bodyguard! I shall honor your bravery by not holding b—!"

 _There I see myself and the universe reborn! At the end of time!_

WHACK! WHACK! WHAAAA-AAAACK!

"— ack!" a Juri with her gorgeous head suddenly topped by many bumps several stories high fell on her side, blade rolling off her fingers and tongue lolling out of her pink lipped exquisite mouth.

 _Stranded in the desert I find a haven! Shining with the brilliant gleam of fool's gold!_

While Ayame cringed and shuddered and Asuna laughed and slapped her knees in hilarity, Touga blinked. "Um, well, that was... certainly impressive, for a beginner. I suppose then we should—"

"I FIGHT ON!" an abruptly revived Saionji shouted, the spirit of the everliving Tatewaki Kuno manfully pumping through his adrenaline boosted body as he charged past Touga, leaving a blinking Miki behind with the bandages he'd been applying on Saionji's head a second ago in his hands. Leaping over Juri's goofily chuckling fallen form, he swung his own sword at Setsuna, filled with courageous fury. "You will never make a fool of—!"

WHAAA-AAAAA-AAAAACKKKKK!

Ayame cringed even further, her gaze following Saionji's body as it flew in circles over the platform, thrown up like a ragdoll, hitting the floating castle above and bouncing from shining tower to shining tower, making them all glow like pinball tilts. After hitting the ultimate jackpot which filled the platform with colorful lights and making Konoka applaud joyfully, Saionji fell back next to Juri, in an even sorrier shape than before. "Ah, gah, guh, bluh, buh, bewh. Duh duh," he made his point.

Touga's perfect beauty was somewhat marred by several streams of cold sweat running all over him. "Y-Yes, certainly... spectacular swordmanship, peerless for someone without the Power of Dios. We should reconsider these events, and so you may—"

Setsuna smiled, gesturing at him and Miki to come at her. "Oh, Sempai," she said, "we won't be in this beautiful Academy of yours for much longer, after all. Why not settle allof our duels at once? I'm so worn down and exhausted right now, but I still believe I can offer a half decent fight..." she taunted, OH SO OBVIOUSLY NOT WORN DOWN AND EXHAUSTED AT ALL.

 _Both the day and night have turned their backs on me! While I stand within this long lost paradise...!_

Asuna was laughing even more hysterically now, doubling over and holding her stomach while Ayame simply stared on with a face of absolute horror and the continued WHACK-WHACK-WHACK-WHACK-s echoed across the platform. "Oh, Setsuna-san, you kill me! You kill me, I tell you!"

 _Darkness of the ages! Darkness of the sunlight!_

"Setchan, please be gentle..." the Rose Bride gently requested as the School Council as a whole stood on wobbly legs before her, swords drunkenly held in their hands, pure stubborn Ohtori Pride being the only thing still holding them on their feet. "It's nice of you offering them an edge in numbers, but you should go easier on them anyway! I don't like seeing my Setchan brutalizing... Oh, who am I kidding, go nuts!"

"As My Lady desires," Setsuna huskily purred, making Konoka swoon and rub her legs together, and then gracefully twirling her sword around in an inviting gesture. "You heard her?"

With fierce battle screams to fuel their resolve, Kiryuu, Arisugawa, Saionji and Kaoru all charged at once. "Leeeeerroooyyyyyy Jeeeeeennnn– !"

 **WHACK!**

 **WHACK!**

 **WHACK!**

 **KATA-KRAKKK!**

 _Darkness spread before me! Darkness never ending! Walking to the end of creation! The end of the world!_

Asuna smiled, nodded her satisfaction, and clicked the golden watch she'd been holding onto for Kaoru closed. "Aaaaaand the final time is, not a second too soon!"

Ayame looked reverently at her. "When are your next admittance exams?"

"Why wait?" Asuna said cheerfully. "We accept transfers at any time!"

Ayame nodded. "I believe I have found… the homeland!"

* * *

It annoyed Haruka that Shizuru still avoided talking to her, but mostly, it annoyed her how she was so annoyed by Fujino's silences. Normally, she hated having to hear that voice, always thick with that stupid accent. Even Konoe had dropped it after a few years of living in Mahora, so why Fujino kept using it was beyond Haruka's understanding. And yet, right now, knowing Shizuru chose to ignore her as much as she could, even preferring to focus on talking with Jakuzure instead, couldn't help but upset her, making her feel as if she had something to prove, which was just plain dumb, of course. It wasn't like she liked her or anything, but it was really insulting she'd rather talk to someone from Honnouji that Haruka!

Haruka does not get irony. She thinks it has to do with things made of iron.

Haruka chose to look away from the two naked girls sitting across her in the small pool and instead let her gaze wander across the rest of the public bath hall. They were large enough, but still nowhere as majestic and grandiose as Mahora's, and rather spartan and sparse in design instead. Several warning signs reminding students of many assorted school rules hung from each wall as well, adding to the suffocating, oppressive feeling of the environment. Thankfully, no giant posters of Kiryuin stared down at them. Apparently even they realized how creepy that would be.

All in all, Haruka already missed bathing with her noisy, chattering juniors of Ala Alba, since other than Jakuzure and Fujino, every girl in attendance seemed to bathe in a fearful silence, choosing to leave as soon as they were done instead of relaxing in the water, chatting and publicly masturbating as was the Mahora custom. Occasionally, a few would dare whisper to each other while looking towards Jakuzure, and that invariably would be followed by the girls leaving shortly thereafter. It was obvious the aura of fear Kiryuin radiated also applied to her collaborators, and once again, Haruka couldn't help feeling bad for the Honnouji student body. That wasn't the nature of True Order she had always dreamed about…

"PEEPING TOMS! PEEPING TOMS!" some girl's voice suddenly cried in terror.

… and then again, it has been said, even the most absolute of orders born from terror will spawn the sedes of its own kind of chaos, growing roots through any tiny creak they may find.

Yes, even in her narration, Haruka messed up words.

"Blast it," Nonon grumbled while rising from the water, "They must've thought the rain would help cover them! Stay here, Delegates of Mahora! This won't take long…" she wickedly grinned, wrapping her towel around her slim body, and then dashing for her bath basket…

"Ara ara," Shizuru blinked, seeing Nonon depart already in full specially-uniformed regalia, and finally deigning to talk to Suzushiro again. "Well, Haruka-han, now I think I can ask you, what exactly were you discussing that I couldn't—"

And then she realized Haruka had disappeared as well, during the brief moments she hadn't been paying her any attention.

"I see," she told herself. "Will the wonders never cease…?"

* * *

The boy with brown wild hair, rather longer than the Honnouji average but despite that was just another generic idiotic main character type, ran for dear life, turning corner after corner after leaving his dear comrades in arms behind. He could hear Jakuzure's ominous chuckle as she descended upon the two unfortunate boys who were only generic background fodder and thus don't even rate a description, and also the desperate screams of both of them, cursing his name.

"DAMN YOU, ISSEI! DAMN YOU TO HELL…!"

"THIS WAS YOUR IDEA, ISSEI…!"

He stifled the need to scream "It wasn't!" since it'd only help Jakuzure spot him. How could they have known the only female of the Elite Four would be bathing right then? Everyone had been talking on how the Student Council would be in a meeting with the Mahora representative instead, and so he and his friends had thought the time was ripe for some skin watching. The unexpected rain further boosted their confidence, as nobody (else) would be stupid enough to go out, and into the female baths, just to risk a few peeks. Now, however, that very same rain slowed him down, and he was sure it wouldn't do much to stop Jakuzure's advance.

Already, he could feel his pursuer rushing after him, following his trail with unerring accuracy. The fact she wasn't Sanageyama or, worse of all, Gamagoori himself, was of little comfort. Sure, the first few moments of being dominated by a very cute girl would be bliss, but Issei knew what would happen to him afterward. It wasn't something he was looking forward to.

"PERPETRATOR!" he heard Nonon's high pitched threat through the rain. "Stop making this harder for yourself! Every block you cover only adds a full month to your sentence! Turn yourself in, and there might be a ghost of a chance for you yet!"

 _In the lower right corner of the screen, a cute and confused Takamachi Nanoha looked around wildly. "Eh? Why me? How do I have anything to do with this scene?-! I'm not that sort of person! Are you sure you're not confusing me for someone else?"_

Yeah, right. He knew he'd lost already, but he still held on to some shred of basic manly pride even through his panic, and he wouldn't surrender without a fight… or at least the best escape attempt he could pull off. Peeking up at the windows, he occasionally could see glimpses of faces looking down at him, none offering any help, but none shouting to reveal his position either. People at Honnouji usually chose to get themselves involved as little as possible, one way or another.

Snitching was sometimes a valuable tool to ascend in the social ranks and eventually get oneself a One Star Uniform, but more often than not, cheap attempts to get in the good graces of the Council were easily caught on and ignored or downright punished. They didn't know why, but in truth, Kiryuin Satsuki's wicked sense of honor would make her despise those who would easily turn themselves on others, since in her opinion, Once a Backstabber, Always a Backstabber.

That was pretty much the only consolation the fleeing boy had right now, however, as he was fairly sure, any moment now he'd be captured—

And then he was.

Only not in the way he'd been expecting.

Instead, a powerful hand, much bigger than Nonon's although still undeniably feminine, forcefully grabbed him by the collar from above, and then he was pulled up and off his feet, as easily as he would've pulled up a kitten. Were this in Europe, or some other old world country, he'd be screaming about vampires. If this were in Gotham, he'd know he had attracted something worse than vampires. This being Japan however, all he could think of was What the hell?!.

Not able to stifle a scream anymore, the boy yelped as he was quickly dragged up, along the side of a building, hearing strong stomps along the wall that grazed his sides and scraped his knees and elbows. Squinting up through the heavy rain, he could see he was being held by a girl, and what a girl! One of the most beautiful ones he'd ever seen, with a well-+proportioned, large-breasted figure clad in some sort of skintight, green, yellow and white Gokou Uniform, and carrying a huge spiked mace in the hand that wasn't clutching on his collar. Long golden hair trailed behind her, and her icy blue eyes sparkled firmly, as he found himself drooling after her, fingers twitching.

Below, Jakuzure had come to a halt, looking up just as the blond streak pulled up into a rooftop, dragging along the final perp, a generic looking young man she couldn't properly identify through the obscuring storm. She thought she had a fairly good idea who was supposed to be his rescuer, however. "Damn you," she hissed between clenched teeth. "I get you're from there, but still, why'd would even you do something THIS stupid?!"

Stupid American exchange students! This had to be their work, she'd warned Satsuki-sama about their bizarre obsession with 'Sticking It To The (Wo)Man'!

* * *

"No, seriously, why do I gotta do this?" an annoyed Asuna asked, walking onto the duel arena while wearing an Ohtori Student Council uniform they happened to have at hand for any such incidents, and holding a fencing rapier in a hand.

"While we can't deny Sakurazaki-san's physical superiority," the heavily bandaged Kiryuu stoically replied while Kyouichi wheezed within his iron lung unity, Miki struggled to holding his precious watch with his hands in thick casts, and Arisugawa profusely thanked the paramedics, "we'd like to verify this is indeed power befitting Mahora as a whole, and not a single fighter hailing from it."

"... I don't think that was ever the point you were trying to prove," Asuna sweatdropped, then sighed as she saw Ayame discreetly cheering for her, pumping a fist up slightly while her glasses glinted in a way that was starting to remind her of Haruna. Wanting to keep her mind away from that, the redhead turned around to face Setsuna. "Okay then, Setsuna-san, if you're fine with this?"

Setsuna nodded. "I am. Ojou-sama?"

"Setchaaaaan," Konoka drawled while whimsically swinging her legs back and forth on her crystal chair, "even if we're playing pretend, you still should call me Kono-chan...!"

"Then," Setsuna coughed with a bright blush, "show me the fruits of your training, Asuna-san! Hold nothing back!"

"I won't, Setsuna-san!" Asuna charged forward. "Aiii-yaaaaa!"

And then they began to half-heartedly bashing swords against each other, as slow and mechanically as possible.

"Clang clang. Clang clang, clangitty clang. Clang," Asuna boredly said as they 'fought'.

"Clang clang-clang clang, clang. Clang," Setsuna said in the same tone as she also played the pantomime, Konoka laughing heartily at it. "And, clang again."

"Ohhhh!" Asuna melodramatically said as Setsuna's sword cut off the rose pinned to her chest, and she feigned a drop on her back, a forearm covering her eyes. "You have crushed me, O Brave Prince! The hand of the fair Rose Bride is yours, blah blah blah, whatever Natsumi would say in this situation! The curtain falls, I am foiled by your fierce resolve, yakkity yakkity, and all that Shakespeare stuff!"

"..." the sweatdropping members of the Student Council said, even the comatose Saionji.

"So," Asuna moved her arm enough to stare at them with her green eye, "your school's like ours now, ain't it?"

"We haven't said that," Touga sighed, rubbing his elegant broken nose up and down, and immediately regretting it, "but the Rose Bride is all yours now, please, please take her away! Also, yes, we will gladly accept your invitation to your School Festival. Even in the worst case scenario, we will make sure to bring Saionji's ashes along."

"Mmmppphhh mphhh mph mph!" Saionji protested through the iron lung, suddenly reviving.

"Congratulations, Sakurazaki-san," Juri smiled, walking up to Setsuna and gallantly holding her smaller hands. "You are now proud husband to the noble Rose Bride."

 _ **"... HUSBAND?-!-?!"**_ the Proud Prince shrieked, abruptly terrorized out of her princely panties.

"Oooohhhhh!" Konoka swooned, taking both hands to her blushing face. "This is going sooooo fast! But I like it anyway! I'm just glad we don't have to go through more than two hundred chapters of extra unresolved sexual tension now!"

"Yaaaaay Konosetsu forever...!" Asuna cheered, rising back to her feet, then beginning to throw rose petals on the stunned, slack-jawed Setsuna along with the gently smiling and only slightly twitching in anesthesia-dulled pain Juri. Miki also tried to pitch in to help but again, the arms in casts were making it kind of difficult.

By the time even Touga had begun to politely clap his blessings and Konoka had pulled out her cellphone, starting to dial on her mother's number to rub it in her face, the visibly shaken Setsuna mechanically staggered to Saionji's bed, roughly punted his body out of it, then quickly encased herself within the iron lung, loudly wheezing in and out as she spasmed.

Somewhere, a chill went through Tsukuyomi's spine. "Huh," she mused. "For some reason I feel like I want to kill a bitch. Moreso than usual, I mean."

* * *

In the event the prior segments depicting Mahora students and teachers happily partaking in activities like visiting other academies, intruding into each other's memories and having sex in the bushes (wait, no, we haven't given the Narutakis a segment here yet. Our bad) during the middle of the day didn't clue you in yet, the events of this chapter were taking place during a Sunday. After the ceremonies of the morning, which is why Kirei could spend a few hours talking to his literal black heart's content with Shirou and Rin.

That's also why Miyazaki Nodoka was currently free to fight her way through the elaborate death trap the latest Clow Card to appear had set for her in the main building of the male side of the academy. Which it had helpfully labeled as 'Main Building Full Of Elaborate Death Traps'. And that, in turn, was why she and Yue were wearing boys' uniforms as they easily leapt over and ducked under trap after trap (With convenient labels like 'Spike Trap', 'Blade Trap', 'and 'Buzzsaw Trap' that only appeared after they were triggered), barely ever missing a beat (not like they could afford to) in a way that surprised even the more experienced Magical Girls trailing behind them.

"Seriously, how do you do it?!" Sailor Venus demanded, a razor sharp blade springing out of a wall ('Razor Blade Wall Trap') and forcing her to dodge, but not before it could cut a few golden strands off her hair, then to embed itself on the opposite wall across the hall. "Who taught you how to be so good, if you don't go with the others to train under this vampire girl?!"

"Eh," Yue shrugged, in between sips of her juice carton ('Pek-Pek Sweat'), her face just as expressionless as ever even while stepping all around the marbles with little skulls painted on them ('Spherical Non-Crytalline Amorphous Silicate Balance Disruptor Bomb Trap') currently rolling their way. Sailors Venus, Mars and Mercury yelped as they jumped over them just in time to avoid triggering them, and so they simply rolled away to go explode at the other end of the thankfully deserted corridor. "This card's just a beginner compared to the architects of Library Island. No big deal."

".. I had no idea a librarian's duties were this harsh..." Akira commented with new found respect while Shiho just kept on mumbling miserably, holding her high heeled shoes in each hand, and marching at the back of the quintet. Sextet if we count the flying plushie fluttering around the determined Nodoka leading the group. Artemis had skipped this one on the excuse of watching over the front door to distract anyone who'd want to enter the danger zone, which had been just reasonable enough as for Minako to let it pass, but not enough as to make her not to resent him. She did not think a sign that said 'Location Closed. Filming A Movie. Sorry For The Inconvenience' needed that much supervision.

"To be fair," Kero said, "this is an exceptional case between all of Master Clow's cards. Most of them can be mischievous, but they hold no malice..."

"The Tentacle still tries to sneak out of the book and fondle us while we sleep," Yue reminded him. "That's why we have to sleep with sticks by our beds," she added for the sweatdropping Senshis' benefit.

"That's only her way of saying hello. She's strictly safe, sand and consensual when it comes to penetration. And anyway, Haruna's far worse," Kero argued as he gestured for the girls to stop before a classroom's door, which had been spray painted to depict a large, perverse smiley symbol on it. The soft, deranged sounds of erratic chuckles could be heard from the inside. A sign above the door helpfully read 'Door To Anti-Climactic Final Boss Battle Room'."Anyway, this one's different. Master Clow created it after a nightmare, which he claimed was a vision of the future. Then he named it after the equivalent card of the Tarot..."

"The Devil? The Death?" Shiho grumbled, pulling out a piece of shrapnel that had lodged itself in one of her pigtails seven death traps ago ('Deadly Shrapnel Trap'), missing her flesh by like two centimeters. "The Murderous Raving Lunatic?"

"Well, not precisely..." Kero said as Nodoka took a deep breath, then shattered the door with a mighty cry accompanied by a just as strong burst of gale force.

 _"WINDY!"_

The members of the nascent United Magical Girl Association of Earth (it had been Nodoka's idea, although she admitted she had simply taken it from someone named Psycho Purple. Akira had vouched for this, much to Venus and Mars' puzzlement) stood at the broken doorstep now, readying themselves as they came face to face with the card. Because some things are just too good to pass up, they were doing the Charlie's Angels pose.

Akin to most of Clow Reed's other designs, this one was feminine and svelte, like a nymph of the woods, but in a far more threatening and sinister fashion than the norm. She had green hair and wore a mannish purple suit, with a comically oversized spotted bowtie and a red rose on the jacket's lap. Her shiny black and white shoes were pointy and curved at the tips, like elf boots, and she twirled a cane around as she chirped something that obviously pretended to be elaborated and metaphysical, but only came out as overblown cutesy garbled nonsense. A sign above her with arrows pointing down helpfully read 'Anti-Climactic Clow Card Final Boss Of Dungeon!'

Nodoka risked a brief glance at Kero. "What is she saying?"

Kero grimaced. "You... You really don't wanna know, Nodoka."

Nodoka sighed, stomped through the classroom, which had been decorated like some sort of demented carnival funhouse, and slammed her staff down on the pale-skinned card's head. "Return to the humble form you deserve! Clow Card!"

"As you can see, however," Kero told the now even more sweatdropping Sailor Senshi, "while The Fool is an expert on up setting traps for her intended prey, she's a very weak close quarters combatant..."

"Hey," Artemis peeked in through the classroom's door, "is everyone alright, I was growing worr— MEEEOOOOOOW!" he yelled as, right after stepping on a random, slightly misplaced tile, he was blown up through the roof, leaving an Artemis-shaped hole in it.

Shiho joined the gasping Minako and Akira's gazes up said hole, then told the simply stunned Nodoka and Yue, "I'm taking my chances and going out through the window," pointing at said window, which was helpfully labeled 'Seemingly Safe Exit Window!'

* * *

After leaping across several rooftops spanning almost a dozen of campus blocks, Haruka decided it already was safe enough as to make a stop, and came to a halt on top of a dormitory building, slamming her captive down against the floor, then securing him on place by placing a foot on his chest.

"… does this mean you're coming onto me?" the boy asked, half hopeful, half terrified, lifting his hands in a clear sign of surrender. "Because it's not like I mind strong women, and I'm seriously thankful you just saved me, but—"

"SHUT UP!" she barked at him. "What was the big idea, pecking on us like that?! Do you have no shame?! I thought Hounnouji men were supplanted to be hardened gentlemen!"

"… pecking? Supplanted?" the boy babbled, crossing his legs so she couldn't see, even if he was no perfect gentlemen, the sight from his angle still was making him quite hardened. Those pants of hers were TIGHT! "I think you meant—"

"I mean what I mean, and I mean you've just brought me a whole lot of trouble, Mister!" Haruka spat, in one of those fits of rage where she pronounced words perfectly. "You'll better help me coming with an excuse to justify my absence from the baths!"

He blinked, then squinted to get a better view of her face, which not only was half obscured by the intense rain, but also half covered by sopping wet blond locks falling on her features. Oh, she was the dynamite blonde bathing with the Marching Band Director and the other babe! No wonder they hadn't recognized her. She had to be one of the Mahora representatives.

"Do you also have Gokou uniforms in Mahora?" he guessed. "Well, I guess it was only a matter of time. The Prez will still be furious, tho'."

"Answer me, dart it!" Haruka lifted him by his collar and rattled him back and forth. "What were you and your friends doing?!"

"Okay, okay, you got me!" he said, waving his hands to ask for a timeout. "What do you expect me to say? Look, we're just men who can't get any, and around here you can't even buy porn mags! Inumuta-sempai somehow can and does block our Internet porn 'cause the Prez says it corrupts our school spirits and all that! What are we intended to do, turning gay?!"

Haruka blushed, and her mouth twitched. "You, you should just have clean thinks all the time! Is that that hard?!"

The young man blinked, gave Haruka's bustline a confused glance, and then asked her, "All that oppai and you haven't had your own hormonal spurt yet?"

She slapped him, then slapped him back across the other cheek, leaving large red marks on his face. "You know, I took pity on you, but now I'm serially thinking of turning you to Jakuzure-san!"

He tried to retort, but found he actually couldn't speak, and simply took a hand to one of his swollen cheeks, rubbing his jaw and cringing in pain. Again, he tried to speak, but only a pitiful little squeak came out.

Haruka was startled. "Oh! I'm, I'm sorry, I guess I still am getting used to my incrementased strenghtforce when I'm, um, like this, I can take you to a doctor…"

The boy tried a few more times before managing to lock his jaw back, somehow. While it still visibly ached him to speak, and his redenned cheeks were rather hideously inflated, he managed a smile. "N-Nah, it's okay. The only doctor I can pay 'round here is kinda… dangerous. Sorry 'bout that. I'm Hyudou Issei."

"Suzushiro Haruka," she introduced herself, growing more hostile now but nowhere as much as before. "Listen, the only reason why I saved your hide is because I don't agree with Honnouji's brutalish methodizations of corporal punishment." It came to Issei's attentions that, while she struggled and generally lost with any complex word, 'corporal punishment' she had pronounced perfectly. "I mean, yes, back at Mahora, we'd have made you stand on the hellway with a bucket on your head, then clean toilets all month long… unless you're one of those perversteds who get excited on toilets… But—"

He nodded, rubbing the back of his aching neck as Haruka finally set him down on his feet. "Yeah, the Council would've sent me with Meiko-sempai and the others at the Prison. I've seen what the Prison does to people, Ma'am. When they come out… they never are the same. It meses 'em up, Ma'am."

"You have a prison in campus?" Haruka asked, awed.

Issei looked around. "Kinda shocked Jakuzure-sempai's not already on us by now, though. We shouldn't have lost track of her this easily."

"What do you mean, I ran across enough blocks as to lose anyone…"

He shook his head. "Not a member of the Student Council, no. If they're on your trail, they'll chase you to the ends of the Academy, and sometimes even beyond. Something must've happened to her, but what could be—"

"It seems," a Kyoto-accented voice came from the other side of the rooftop, making Haruka's skin crawl, "President Kiryuin is currently involved in a fierce battle, and her enforcers were recalled to her side. You sure got quite a lucky break, Hyudou-kun, Haruka-han."

"Shizuru!" Haruka hissed, her head snapping aside and her eyes narrowing venomously while Issei leered appreciatively at the newcomer. "How did you find me, no, what are you doing here?!"

Fujino stood now wearing a dark blue yukata with brown trimmings, and her feet were in traditional white socks and black wooden sandals. However, what puzzled Haruka the most was the huge naginata she held in her hands, which was just as long as Haruka's morningstar. Despite all these changes in appearance, however, her behavior was the same as always, confidently distant and aloof. "Ara ara ara, to think Haruka-han would be a Hime as well, that's so unexpected," she almost chanted, regardless not as pleased as her smile would suggest. "I'll have to ask Arashi-san what was she thinking when she decided on this…"

"A princess?" Issei grew more puzzled by the moment. "Are you girls princesses?!"

"Sh-Shut up, I'm no principess of nothing anything!" Haruka stuttered before aiming her mace at Fujino. "I'd also app—appre—I'd like it if you lowered that thing, it's making me nervous!"

"Hime shouldn't fight Hime, so I'll do it as long as you lower your own weapon, Haruka-han," Fujino said, taking her naginata just a little bit lower. "Now, maybe we should let this boy go and talk on—"

"I'm not letting this perp go yet, he still has a lot to answer for!" Haruka roared. "Just like you, Fujino-san! You'd better start exploiting your strange change of wardrope, and mostly why you're suddeathly holding a nagonata!"

"I think you meant 'explaining'?" Issei guessed.

"You stay out of this!" both girls sternly warned him.

He sighed, shaking his head. "Maybe I should go turn myself in anyway. Who'd have thought it, Mahora IS crazier after all…"

Standing on a much higher rooftop, unnoticed so far, a tall, manly figure mostly enveloped by a long flowing trenchcoat watched on as he reported through a mobile pone kept close to his obscured face. "Lady Raynare, another interloper has arrived. This one looks like one of the twelve Princeses, instead."

The female voice at the other end of the line growled, "What, one of the Princesses of the Heart? I thought they couldn't leave Mundus Magicus?"

He sighed. "No, Lady Raynare, I mean one of the Hime. Highly Advanced Materializing Equipment, remember?"

A pause. "Oh. Yeah. The world's stupidest acronym. What's she doing here anyway?"

He shrugged. "They seem to be in transit from Mahora and nothing else. Should we wait for them to leave?"

"No," the voice had quickly decided. "I want this wrapped up today, we're on a schedule. Let's just lure them into the trap as well, what do we care? Once we're done with this not even Mc Dowell and the rest of that Mahora flotsam will be able to stand to us."

"As you wish, Lady Raynare," he respectfully said before leaping down the building, disappearing into the alleys below.

Shizuru was blinking now. "Oh. I undestand. You're just pretending, aren't you? Arashi should've told you the standard procedure for these situations, Haruka-han," she gently told her before telling the boy, "We are filming a movie, Hyudou-han."

"Like hell you are!" Issei said. "Look, even if I'm an outcast, I'm also a Honnouji student, and you guys should be ashamed of stealing our tech! So I want you to take those Gokou uniforms off right now…" By this point his outraged tone had descended into a lecherous chuckle instead, as he imagined both women stripping down for him…

Haruka casually bopped him on the face with the morningstar as she told Shizuru, "I think he believes we're wearing one of those uniforms the poor devil at the gate was accusionated of stealing?"

"Well, are you?" Shizuru asked. "That'd explain your increased abilities if you aren't a Hime…"

"My increaked… since when were you… Oh, drat!" Haruka growled. "Of course I didn't steal anything, but how I got these powers is no businessation of yours, FU-JI-NO!"

"Then my choice of attire and weaponry *and* how I located you are no business of yours either, HA-RU-KA-HAN!" Shizuru stood her ground against her.

Issei looked back and forth between them, still rubbing his bleeding nose. "You starting ripping each other's clothes off now, or I should be leaving already?"

Before he could be hit again, his salvation (or the opposite) came in the form of a desperate cutesy girl-cry from below. "Someone help me! I'm being robbed! Ahhhh!"

Shizuru and Haruka tensed as they briefly stopped staring naginatas and spiked maces at each other, their School Representative Senses madly tingling.

"See you down there," Shizuru sparsely aside, leaping aside and over the rooftop's edge, her blade at the ready.

"Th- That's my line!" Haruka said, jumping right after her. "Wow, you must have quite a good Magister!"

"A what…?"

Issei blinked, looked down after their retreating forms, and felt himself all over, verifying he still was complete and alive. He began turning around, hands in his pockets, happily whistling to himself. What a great lucky day to be alive…

Then the cute sounding girl shrieked again for help, and he sighed, undoing his steps and beginning his long way down the building's fire escape stairs.

He couldn't help it, that was the truly disadvantageous part of being a Chivalrous Pervert.

* * *

 **The Martian Chronicles**.

"I had a dream last night," Hino Rei said over the lunch table.

"So did I," confirmed her Servant, Shielder, who had never ever been called Shield, shut up.

"In my dream, you were some sort of princess of Mars," Rei told her, matter-of-factly.

"So were you in mine," Shielder replied, with a gentle nod and complete aplomb.

"What the... You must've been just imagining things, I've never been a Princess of anything," Rei waved a hand, slightly annoyed at Shielder's occasional, strange sense of humor. It was almost British, and she had never gotten British humor. "I'm convinced my dream showed images of your prior life, however."

"Would that make any difference, Master?" Shielder evenly asked.

"Of course it would, I've read not only on the link that allows Masters and Servants to experience each other's pasts, but on the secret world folded within Mars. If you were to fight using secrets from that realm, that'd be a huge advantage over Servants born in this world, but I'd like to at least know how great is your legend in that world!"

"I'm impressed you would know about my place of origin. Its true location is something even most mages from this world ignore. Congratulations, Master." After refilling her own cup gracefully, she answered, "I'm afraid my legend is still very recent, which might prove a hurdle. I died when you were still a child yourself, so I could hardly be called a mythical figure. Besides, my legend is somewhat tainted by infamy."

"Are you Lina Inverse?!" Rei gasped, unconsciously pulling herself away from her.

"Lina— No, no, that name is... familiar, but the person I knew to bear it would hardly be any older than you are now," Shielder explained. "I fought along one Luna Inverse, however. A woman of great stature and might, noble and yet as fearsome as the Devil himself. She still should be alive, as far as I know..."

Rei breathed easier. "Y-Yes, I thought so. Lina Inverse was or is supposed to have no breasts, after all. Still, I had to be sure... I've heard horror stories... um. Okay, never mind, even if your legend isn't ancient, not many should know about you, which should be enough to balance our chances. Why do you think we haven't been attacked yet, though? We've spent more than a week in this city now, and yet the other Servants still fail to appear, despite what the priest said. Maybe, ah, we should...?"

"I think," Shielder sagely replied, "it would be unwise to agitate the waters first, as that would make us the easiest and most glaring targets for the rest of the Masters. Right now, the others seem to be fighting an unusual war of attrition, biding to see who breaks first and then gather upon those persons, as they naturally would be the most problematic duo in the the contest. I don't wish for us to become that duo, Master."

"You're right, it's just... something about this simply feels off," Rei heaved a sigh and shook her head. "Even trying to read the flames isn't showing me anything. I don't doubt the other Masters are either cowardly or playing it safe, but I think that's not the whole of it. It feels... I don't know, but I almost can sense as if some sort of force was holding the Grail War from breaking out already."

"And doesn't that bring you any relief? Are you sure you have truly grasped the meaning of a War, and what it will do to you?"

"I still have to do it," Rei said, looking down. "I owe that much to my mother."

There was only silence after that.

"Shielder?" Rei looked at her again at last. "Did I say anything to offend you?"

"No, Master. It's more about what I have done wrong, instead."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say," she distantly said, "perhaps I haven't honored my familial duties as much as you have."

"Oh?"

"Even though your father all but abandoned you, you have stuck to not only carry on his family name, but commuted yourself to follow his stipulations after the War. And of course, you fight in the War for your mother's sake. While I— I haven't even actually deigned to visit my kin, and ponder what this War's outcome will mean for him."

Of course, Rei realized. If Shielder had died that recently, an anomaly in what concerned to Heroic Spirits, that meant she most likely had still living relatives elsewhere. "Do you... Do you want to go meet them... _him_ , in that case? I have no objections as long as—"

"Perhaps it's for the best if I don't," Shielder declined stoically. "I doubt I can bring that person anything but calamity."

"The Queen of Calamity!" Rei almost jumped out of her chair, even more startled than when she had exclaimed Lina's name.

"And not only that, but as you just saw, simply thinking of that person makes me lower my guard as well. I suppose you were bound to learn sooner or later anyway, but as long as you don't know—"

Rei frantically pointed at Shielder, eyes spinning faster and voice growing higher in pitch. "Paramour of the Thousand Master! That means Springfield! Like, Negi Springfield, that teacher girls around here talk about so much! Oh my gosh, Shielder, you have a CHILD! Right here, and you haven't even bothered to check on him! How, how can I trust a Servant to be loyal when she's a useless do nothing deadbeat mother to her own blood...!"

"... useless do nothing deadbeat..?" Shielder echoed weakly, with a faint dangerous tingle to her voice.

"You're just like my father after all!" Rei was now pacing back and forth before her. "Pretending to be too busy with life and death matters to waste a few minutes with your child! Seriously, Arika! No wonder half of your people detested you! Maybe I should've gotten myself Attila the Hun instead! Or Jack the Ripper! Heck, even Captain America would have done!"

"... perhaps you are not fully aware of how deeply you are insulting me as you speak, Master," Shielder warned. "And it's not like I have anything against Attila, in actuality, she was a far better individual than generally recognized, but—"

Rei was waving her arms right before her now. "Arika, I don't know if you know yet, but your very underage baby son is being lusted after by every darn crazy Shotacon in this campus!"

"... exactly how many pedophiles are we we talking about here? Because it was not like his father was not lacking that kind of attentions from his earliest childhood himself, and yet he grew up fin— Hmmmmm..."

 _"Hmmmm!?"_ Rei pressed on, frowning angrily at Arika's sudden thoughtful expression.

Finally, Shielder spoke in a very quiet and tiny echo of something a child she had been fond once herself used to say around her and Nagi. "I am in despair. Realizing how badly I have failed has left me in despair."

* * *

"Man, what is it with you guys and these impossibly tall buildings?" Asuna asked as they started up the stairs that extended up with no clear end in sight, past the front entrance of the next building Ayame had guided them into during their Ohtori tour. A few dozen meters ahead of them, some poor boy also climbing was already struggling. Muffled swearing about how they only put elevators in the stupidest places drifted down. "Not that I mind, they're good exercise, just asking."

"I think they're pretty stylistic," Konoka smiled while guiding a still slightly-dazed out of her mind and shaky Setsuna, keeping her hand firmly held. She looked around, noticing even the handlebars for the stairs seemed to be made of fine marble inlaid with ivory, and silently prayed for the souls of a few poor elephants and whoever must have suffered lugging all those rocks to make the stairs. "Kind of otherworldly, though, no offense."

"None taken," Ayame blandly said, leading the march up, casually moving her hips ever so slightly so her skirt fluttered a little. Asuna blinked, wondering if she'd just given them a conscious pantyshot... no, that couldn't be it, that girl seemed too proper and prim for that. "It may look like we live in some sort of enchanted fairy tale, but like with any other academy, we face our own problems and altercations. Have you heard of 'Nudist Beach'?"

"What?" Asuna blinked again.

"Oh, the terrorist organization?" Konoka asked, while Setsuna instantly tensed up at the mention of the 't' word, instinctively gripping the handle of Yuunagi.

"Terrorist organization?" Asuna echoed, glancing back at Konoka, who closed the formation with Setsuna.

"Asunaaaa!" Konoka said. "For someone who delivers newspapers everyday, you sure are behind on the news!"

"I only deliver them, never read them!" Asuna protested. "They're depressing to read! I mean, even more depressing than reading in general!" Konoka, Library Club, gave her a rare glare at those words.

"Kagurazaka-san's blissful ignorance can be excused," Ayame calmly said, slightly incensing Asuna over the use of the 'i' word, "since as far as I know their tentacles haven't reached into Mahora yet. They are... homegrown rabble-rousers who got their public start in Honnouji City months ago protesting the uniform-based hierarchy, but have been operating in Ohtori as well since a few weeks ago."

"Uh-huh, and what do they do?" Asuna asked as the boy ahead of them collapsed in a wheezing heap, sitting on the stairs until he got hist breath back. They still hadn't caught up to him when he let out a groan and started climbing again five minutes later.

"It's not like they're murderous, apparently," Ayame explained, her glasses glinting in a sinister way none of the others could see as they walked behind her, "but they are rather scandalous, revolting against the system while wearing nothing but boots, gloves and equipment belts. The 'Nudist' part of their name is literal. Have you ever heard about anything that outrageous?"

Asuna, Konoka and Setsuna all thought of all the people they knew who liked to magical become naked just before a fight.

"So they're just public exhibit— exibit— um, weirdos who like flashing people?" Asuna said. "That's gross, I guess. For their own sake, I hope they won't run into our Vice Prez while she's in Honnouji."

"They seem specially intent on sabotaging any properties of the Kiryuin and Nishikinomiya conglomerates," Kajou elaborated, with another subtle swing of her hips Asuna dearly hoped wasn't meant to be seductive. The skirt fluttered further this time, allowing them a clearer view of the racy black panties underneath. "That must be why you've been spared their raids so far, since they hold little to no influence in Mahora City."

"Oh, I've met Nishikinomiya Anna-san at parties, though," Konoka reminisced, then giggled. "Great girl, although a little bit weird...!"

At that, Kajou stopped suddenly, and her hand squeezed the stairs' handlebar much more tightly, faint cracking sounds accompanying the apparition of small creaks on the marble, between her fingers. Two of the Mahora girls cringed, while Setsuna simply nodded sagely, recognizing the signs of another Ojou Lover. Just as soon, however, Ayame began walking up again, saying, "Anna-sempai is great indeed. Regardless, the ringleader for Ohtori's branch of this organization seems to be a woman calling herself 'Blue Snow', who—"

Then the tall, distracted and dark haired young man, who had a very Generic Main Character sort of face, around Ayame's age they had almost caught up to gasped faintly, looking up. Asuna immediately looked up as well, following his gaze, and saw a shapely girl with long purple hair, a few shades darker than Misa's, plummeting from the top of the tower, several stories above, and quickly falling their way. Instantly, the boy jumped forward, extending his arms to stop the girl's fall in time, but Asuna was even faster and passed like an exhalation by Ayame's side, spreading her arms and beating the boy to it, catching the stranger in her hands...

... and realizing she had absolutely no weight whatsoever.

Damn. Were diets THAT good in Ohtori? No wonder their Student Council members had mostly looked like variations on stick figures...

* * *

 **Omake! Manga is That Kind of Business!**

"Um, Puddin'?"

"Yeah?" he asked, without looking up from the complex bomb schematics he was designing.

"Remember that fancomic you rushed through the weekend on a whim and then sent to that Doujin-Con downtown, to try and terrify 'em?"

Now he did look up, pushing the Look-Smart glasses he had gotten for himself even though he really didn't need them up his long, pointy nose. "Ah, yeah, that gag. Well, did we get their reaction yet? Scared the pants outta them, didn't it?"

"Actually," Harley held an envelope up, "they praised it, wrote back saying you were nominated for a Revelation of the Year prize. They only suggested putting more tentacles and groping in. Oh, they also said the guro was kinda vanilla, whatever the heck that means. And that there wasn't enough blood and violence."

"... what the hell's wrong with this country, I don't even."

Tsukuyomi stumbled into the room, feeling all over the walls helplessly. "Has anyone seen my glasses?!" she half-whined, half sobbed, squinting at them but instead staring into a wall.

Joker whistled a little, then pointed in another direction. "I think I saw Croc taking 'em."

Then he laughed as Tsukuyomi walked the exact opposite direction and into another wall.

* * *

"This is so foolish," a bored-sounding Illya commented, standing on the sidewalk while looking at the fingernails of one of her hands. With the other, she was establishing a sound-dampening Bounded Field to cover the area. It wouldn't do, after all, to have nosy bystanders call the local authorities to interrupt this perfectly nice match. "Do you know who Berserker is? It's Heracles! You just don't get into a fight with Heracles and, well, survive it! What a couple of dumb brothers I have!"

"Heracles?" Makie asked, catching her ball Artifact back after it had bounced off Berserker's head, as useless as everything else they were trying on him.

And they were trying a lot; while Saber frontally attacked the giant by repeteadly hacking and slashing on his muscular front, Ala Alba tried to, at the very least, keep him distracted. Negi zapped at his upper section with a constant stream of Sagitta Magicas, already starting to clench his teeth under the pressure. Misa, who'd gotten turned around while running away and had eventually found her way back to them, was throwing needles at Berserker's eyes, aiming like Kuro had, ironically, taught her to; but while most of her hits did connect, they didn't look like they were blinding the creature. It was doubtful even blinding him would have mattered after all, since he attacked with single minded intensity not unlike that of a mindless beast.

However, as Negi realized immediately, Berserker followed Illyasviel's orders to the letter, so when she had commanded for him to kill Saber, that was what he focused on. That meant he thankfully ignored the youngsters attacking him from all sides, treating them as pests beneath his attention. Negi realized, to his dawning horror, that had she ordered him to kill everyone, at least a few of his students would be dead by now.

"Hercules!" he gasped. "That's the Greek name for Hercules, Makie-san! Everyone keep their distance!"

"That means you too, Sempai!" Misora yelled, using her Pactio enhanced strength to keep the desperate Shirou grabbed from behind. "Are you suicidal? Even Despair-sensei is keeping himself out of reach!"

"I, I don't want to turn a child into a murderess by association, that's all," Itoshiki weakly argued, standing by Negi and shooting thick strands of darkness from his wooden ruler, trying to grab Berserker's legs and keep him in place. Since he was no Gilgamesh and his spell was no Enkidu, it was having little to no effect, although a lone figure standing on a rooftop high above them, overlooking the fight, was still taking good note of the strategy. Not that he needed it, but he was such a chronic thie— err, rightful claimer of approaches mongrels might develop but only he could use properly.

The handsome blond man in biker leathers kept most of his attention on Saber's heroically struggling figure, however, a boken lazily resting in his hand. "It's you," he purred huskily, with a cruel, lecherous smile. "I knew you just had to come back to me..."

Lashing from behind with her whip, Ayaka redoubled her efforts even though she already felt like her arms were going to fall. "Cocone-san!" she called out. "Your divine thunderbolt!"

"You're all too close, might hit you as well," Cocone said, keeping her cross well in hand, and standing shortly behind Misora and Shirou. "Akashi-san? This is a magical being, why aren't your bullets working on it?"

"Do you think the damn guns talk to me, how am I supposed to know?!" Yuuna complained, unloading another round on the monster's tough hide and then cocking her guns at her side, reloading them instantly. Even if actual ammo was not needed, the effort itself was after twelve shots each time. She took aim at Berserker's now hugely open, roaring mouth and grunted, "Let's see if this one works..."

When the next magic cancel bullet was just crushed between Berserker's teeth with a minor explosion that didn't inconvenience him, Makie gestured at Yuuna. "Okay, Yuuna-chan, that's enough! Hand me one!"

Yuuna blinked, then obeyed immediately. "Wh-What are you trying to do? Even if you're a better shooter than me..." and that was true, even after all the gun coaching Makie had been giving her at the resort, "the bullets themselves won't get any better..."

"You still can't do this," Makie calmly said, taking aim. "It's a much smaller target, and well, sorry, you don't have the guts."

"What do you mean with— Oh!" Yuuna gasped, realizing Makie was instead aiming at the White Kuro, who simply smirked evilly and raised her hands, deploying a barrier before herself. Makie still shot, undeterred, and the bullet flew, reaching the shield in a second and then, to Illya's brief but crushing shock, outright rippling through it, then to hit her squarely in the face...

"What— YES, OH YES!" Misa gushed, pausing in the middle of another throw. "Hah ha! Take that you evil, evil loli! I might not be able to beat up Evangeline but other little girls are fair game!"

Illya dropped on her butt on the sidewalk, rubbing her aching face and whining. "Ouchie!" she said, fleetingly said as if her connection with Berserker blinked, and that made her feel so crushingly cold and alone under the rain. "What, what's your game here, you stupid Japanese girl?!"

Berserker himself paused for a moment, one that Saber immediately used to plunge her invisible blade in his midsection, although even that didn't seem to rattle him at all. Instead, he only said, clear and distinctively, with a voice that still was growling and deep but vaguely human now, 'Why—?'' before the madness overtook him again, and he flexed his arms and roared, the force of his angry scream sending everyone stumbling back.

"Well," Skuld blinked, "she's my Ministra after all, but unfortunately she's also an idiot."

"Well, excuuuuuuse me, Master!" Makie protested. "I wasn't listening to the brilliant smart-girl ideas you were having but not telling us!"

Illya jumped back to her feet, pointing madly in pretty much all directions. "Berserker, Berserker, Berserker! You know what you have to do!"

"... there's only one good idea to have while battling this guy," Skuld gulped, then turned tail and ran away for dear life. "RUN AWAY!"

"... see, that's why she's genius in our team, sorry, Hakase!" Misora gulped, letting go of Shirou and grabbing Cocone by a hand. "Sensei, you heard the fake but still sensible deity, let's scram!"

"You do that!" Negi insisted, blasting at the rampaging Berserker while he battered on Saber, the smaller Servant's sword barely offering any defense against the force of his blows. Even so, her face was bleeding, and there were tiny cracks on the front of her armor, where the slab of rock had hit. "That includes you, Emiya-san!" he warned, as Itoshiki put his tendrils to better use by restraining Shirou, who still struggled to get to Saber's side.

"He's right, your teachers have suicide privileges, you don't!" Itoshiki chastised the young man sternly. "Besides, what will I tell Fujimura-sensei if I get you killed? She'd kill me!"

Makie sighed as she finished her cellphone call. Her cellphone, by the way, was pink and had Hello Kitty stickers all over it, with a sticker photo of her and her mothers on the back. Because she was that kind of girl. "Well, that leaves us with Plan B, then."

"Plan B?" Haruna asked, drawing a Death Metal album cover-looking skull ram head and battering on Berserker's head from above.

"Akira-chan said they happened to be close enough, luckily," Makie calmly shrugged, pocketing the cellphone back. "Since the Sailor Senshi move so fast, and Honya-chan has that Jump card going for her, they should be here..."

"FOOL!" a voice called out from above.

Makie pouted. "A fool? You too, Honya-chan? That's what I get from—?"

"Who are you—" Illya looked back and over her shoulder at the source of the unknown voice, and she found herself staring at the grinning face of a green haired Loli in clown makeup. "— bwuh?"

The strange girl grabbed her hand, shook it with a small deranged chuckle, and then Illya cried as a jolt of electricity shook her into unconsciousness.

Berserker immediately stopped hammering on the trembling Saber, looked back at his Master, who now laid at the feet of the newly arrived Nodoka and Yue, and made a leap for her, leaving everyone behind. As quick as carefully, he scooped the tiny, sleeping albino child in his huge arms, looked at her face for a second, and then exhaled what only could be called a hellish sigh of relief. Then he stared madly at those gathered around him, roared viciously sending them down again, and leapt away with his precious charge, disappearing from sight into the storm.

"You just," Yue said from under her umbrella to Nodoka, "used a still-untested Card to zap a small child with electricity, under a heavy rain."

"A small child who was about to have Negi-sensei and Haruna killed," Nodoka corrected. "Is… is everyone okay? Sorry, we came as soon as we received Makie-san's call. It took us a bit since for some reason we couldn't hear the noise of the fight..."

"Nodo-chan, Yuecchi!" Haruna ran to hug them tightly, smashing them against her breasts, the smaller girls starting to wave their arms around because of the sudden suffocation. "Oh, I'm so glad to see you! You're the best, never change!"

"Yue!" Lala finally popped out of the trash bin where Berserker had forcefully slammed her into earlier in the fight, a bit we didn't bother to show Because Reasons. She smiled as bright and proudly as ever, despite her head being covered in rancid junk that made Peke shudder and cough. "My savior princess!"

"I, I didn't do anything, what are you talking about...?" Yue said as she struggled free from the chuckling Haruna's grasp.

"Yeah, well, join the club," Sailor Venus grumbled, jumping down from the rooftop of the ceiling where she had stood a moment ago, followed by Mercury, Mars, Artemis and Kero. "Seriously, Bookstore-san, what's the big idea, not leaving this stuff to professionals? Oh, and you have even more now, I see," she frowned at Saber, who was staggering back breathing heavily, and Shirou, who was coming to her side to hold her tenderly on her feet. "For real, Sensei, why don't you just hand out recruitment fliers like the SOS Brigade, it'd be less—"

Then her jaw slackened, as she realized the identity of the guy she could barely see through the curtain of water. She pointed and cried, all but openly gushing, "Ah! You're him! The high jump boy!"

"The who of what now?" an annoyed Shiho muttered, while Negi came to Nodoka's side to profusely thank her, which made her blush adorably, and then to ask her why she was in the company of a loli-Joker crossplayer, which made her blush in shame.

"You see," Minako excitedly said, "when I was very little, I once saw this really cool redhead who was trying to make a high jump over a bar, and while he kept on failing, he never gave up, and that was so cool, I only wish I had the courage back then to approach— Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked, only now realizing the dead, humorless way that famous Sempai who was also there was staring at her, her fingers all but crushing the colorful gems between them. "Aren't you a fan of superheroes, or what?"

* * *

Saber dreamed, a dream not her own.

The first time Shirou actually saw his father, Shirou had been sitting on his hospital bed, as quiet as a child can be, saying nothing, doing nothing, not even looking at anything in particular. He'd been that way for a while by then, not even reacting when the nurse walked in, checked on the catheter still in his arm, and kindly told him he had a visitor.

Then the man had walked, wearing that old, gray trenchcoat over his suit, with the shade of several days without a shave, and smiling sadly, walking closer to the small bed of sheets that were as white as Shirou's thin gown. Saber felt an icy revolt in her stomach, easily recognizing that man. Emiya Kiritsugu, Magus Killer Kiritsugu, the man who had led Irisviel to a senseless death, all for a prize he even wasted at the end of it all.

Shirou finally moved his head enough as to get a good look at the tall, slim man, who seemed to have been once firm with taut muscle, but suddenly had most of the life sucked out of him. Even his eyes were gray and dull, and yet stubbornly reluctant to let go of that last sparkle of hope. His voice was pretty much the same as that.

"Hey there, Champ," he said. "Remember me? Probably not."

Shirou remained mute, not even blinking, simply staring eerily at him, perhaps struggling to remember his voice and face.

The man exhaled. "My name's Emiya Kiritsugu. And you're Shirou, I've been told."

Shirou managed to nod as best as he could. His name, he could remember that much at least. Perhaps he'd told the doctors as they struggled to save his life, although that was difficult to say for sure. The last few days had been nothing but a confusing blur where events and their sequence got wrangled with each other.

"I'll be honest with you, since we don't have much time," the man told him. "They also told me they're letting you walk out next week. After that, you can choose whether you want to go to an orphanage or stay with me."

"Ah," the child say. Only that, and nothing else.

"I've heard orphanages in this country are very good, very professional," Emiya Kiritsugu said, putting a lot of weight on each word. "While I, well, I won't lie to you, I don't have a mother for you, my house isn't too big or fancy, and I don't have the best of jobs either. Still, I was really hoping you'd let me become your Dad."

* * *

"Dad," Shirou said, more than one year later, as they sat on the porch of Kiritsugu's Mahora home, watching the starry sky sprinkled by New Year fireworks. "I've decided what my resolution will be!"

"Oh, yes? Let's hear it, then," Kiritsugu contentedly said.

Shirou took a deep breath in. "I want to be a Hero of Justice, just like you, Dad!"

Kiritsugu paused, first somewhat rattled and perplexed, and then pensive and contemplative. When he finally talked again, it was slow and measured, giving each word a lot of thought. "That's a certainly commendable goal, Shirou, but there are goals that are just too commendable for most of us to follow. I'm not sure if I didn't do more harm than good, but then again, I'm sure you'll be a better man than I was."

"That, that wasn't what I meant, Dad!" he gasped. "I know I'll never be as good a magus as you are, but, but I can do other things too! I'll be as strong as Takahata-sensei, or as wise as the Headmaster, I'll find a way to make up for it! I don't care as long as I get to be a Hero, and make you proud!"

"You already make me proud," the man said. "You're the best achievement I've ever managed. Listen, Shirou, I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life. I'm not sure I'm the best man to decide that. If, by the time you're a man, that's still what you want to do, just pursue that dream with all you've got and be the best hero you can and want to be. But remember, even the best of heroes can't save everyone. The most important thing… is saving those who are the closest to you…"

Kiritsugu the Magus Killer would die a few years later, but that short conversation was, perhaps, the most important he ever had with Shirou. It encapsulated the nature of their relationship, and the bond they shared, perfectly.

Just like Saber, Shirou had been raised by a flawed father not his own, but that was where most of the similarities between their origins stopped. For Saber—

And Saber woke up, startled.

If you're wondering, she did not wake up from troubled dreams as some kind of insect.

"Please stay down, okay?" she was told by a busty, pink haired girl she recognized as one of those who had been following Negi-sensei when they met him, gently keeping a hand on her chest before she could bolt upright. Saber took notice of the rather strange fact this girl could keep her down at all, even if she hadn't really pushed her hand up hard at all, and found herself looking up at a by now familiar ceiling. That of Shirou's bedroom, which she would visit every night as he slept as part of her routine watch duties, and definitely not to look at him while in bed. "Your wounds were so serious, we even thought of taking you to a hospital, even if Rin here said—"

"Tohsaka was correct, Heroic Spirits have no need for medical assistance. I have fully recovered now," Saber stoically said, sitting up on Shirou's futon and stretching an arm over to grab o the chestplate someone had taken off her and placed aside before adjusting it back over her shirt. As she did so, those tightly gathered in the spacious but now crowded room saw she indeed seemed completely healed, even her face having regained a pristine, almost unearthly beautiful appearance. "Illyasviel, that girl. Where is she now?"

Shifting her eyes around a bit, she saw Shirou sitting by Negi-sensei's side, looking somewhat stiffer and slightly more spent than usual. He still smiled at her, even though she didn't smile back. "Saber," he hoarsely said, "I'm so glad you're okay. But, are you sure...?"

"Yes, I am," Saber sternly replied, her tone giving no room for doubts. "Please answer my query, Shirou."

"Saber-san, you still need to rest," a girl she hadn't seen before at the scene of the field warmly told her, kneeling by her side and touching her forehead. She had short grayish hair and was rather petite, even more than Saber herself. "Your wounds may have healed now, but your body's still tired. You should go back to sleep. Oh, oh, we haven't been introduced yet, have we? How do you do, I'm Izumi Ako, assistant nurse. Hm, Akira-chan and Makie-chan called me to see if I could be of any help..."

"Pleased to meet you, Izumi-san," Saber exhaled, slightly frustrated. "And I'm, of course, happy to see you're alive and well too, Shirou," she added, and then gave a better look at Negi, who sat with his shirt off and a few bandages around an arm. Saber vaguely noticed the boy was slightly more muscular than she'd have thought for a child of this era, but then, that explained how she'd seen him move around Berserker while avoiding the brute's strikes. "However, before anything else, I'd like to have my question about Illyasviel-san answered..."

"She's okay, she left with her bargain bin Solomon Grundy after Miyazaki here took her down," mumbled the pockmarked girl with glasses and a ponytail who also sat by Negi. The short girl with thick purple bangs hanging over her face looked down in awkwardness. "If what Tohsaka-sempai told us about her family while you slept is of any indication, and if she's anything at all like... well, some person like her we once met, then she should be allright. Seriously, though, what did you guys ever do to her?"

"Me?" Shirou asked back. "N-No, I don't even know who she is... She called me a 'brother', but ..."

"It looks like she's under some sort of delusion she and I share a father," Negi said, as Rin eyed him dubiously, and Itoshiki tried to look innocent, rummaging through Shirou's closet in search for anything to cut or hang himself with. "Where do you fit into that, though, I don't know."

"Is that so?" a frowning Shirou asked. "Well, Dad was my adoptive father, not blood related to me. I don't even know who were my birth family. That could have something to do with it, although no records have survived from my hometown's destruction, so I have no idea what might have made her think that. Anyway, no one was killed after all, right? Then everything's alright..."

"No, of course it's not 'alright'!" protested the ponytailed girl. "You don't know what you've just gotten into, do you?!"

"I must agree with her, Shirou," Saber dryly said. "Even after being told of the Grail War, and after listening to the priest's words, you don't seem to be taking this as seriously as you should. Your behavior on the battleground was hardly befitting a Master."

"Actually, that goes for you as well!" the ponytailed girl snapped. "Look, great warrior of the past, future or alternate world or not, I doubt you have any actual idea of what's going on with this whole Grail business!"

"Oh?" Saber coldly regarded her. "Would you happen to be a Master as well?"

"Me? Perish the thought!" the girl recoiled. "Do I look like a suicidal idiot to you?"

"Hey!" Rin and Shirou protested.

"Chisame, please, this isn't the way to explain it," Negi wearily said. "Emiya-san, Saber-san, Tohsaka-san, these are my roommates and students Hasegawa Chisame-san and Hakase Satomi-san, and the rest of them... well, they are our fellow members of the English Research Society. And the Sailor Senshi."

"Why the heck are we still here?" Sailor Mars mumbled, sitting near the door in seiza and impatiently tapping her fingers on her knees.

"It's still raining, would you rather go out and soak to the bone?" Sailor Venus hushed her, with a finger on her own mouth. "Now be quiet and don't make me, I mean us, look bad in front of Sempai!"

Shiho grimaced, giving Shirou a disdainful glance while Mercury looked like she really wished to be anywhere now but by their side. "You and your taste in men," she muttered to Venus. "No point of comparison at all with my Oniichan!"

Shirou perhaps overheard this, as he was next heard sighing heavily, like a man who is being insulted right at his own home but is too polite to mention it. "Pleased to meet you all, and sorry to have brought you into this. But, if we could know exactly what's—"

"That Grail thing is cursed!" Chisame blurted out, and Saber's eyes subtly widened for a moment.

Rin did a sudden, violent spit-take, and a small voice by her side could also be briefly heard gasping aloud. "S-SAY WHAT?!"

"We don't know that for sure just yet," Negi gently told Chisame.

"Murphy's Law!" Chisame said. "When something can go wrong, it'll go wrong! And it went wrong in Kuro-san's world!"

"That's... a very pessimistic outlook on things," her teacher tried to reason.

"She was nearly pulped to death by a murderous brute strung along by a creepy little girl who would've then killed us all!" Chisame argued, pointing vigorously at Saber. "Do you think that's what would happen in a War where everything was going on just fine?!"

"If everything were going well and in a civilized fashion, would there be a War in the first place, Chisame?" the girl named Satomi argued in response.

Shirou nodded. "Yeah, well. The way I see it, too, any Artifact people kill each other for is already cursed, in its own way. But you'll have to explain further..."

Yue sighed and stood up. "I'll go brew up some tea. I feel we'll be here for a while."

* * *

"You're an idiot, Berserker!" Illyasviel pouted as she finished stripping down. The rain tapped furiously on the large windows of her pool bath, Sayoko dutifully waiting by the water with a bucket of bathing implements in a hand and a folded white towel in the other. Illya walked past her as she continued berating the giant who had stayed by the doorstep, quiet and silent. "You could have killed them all before leaving! Argh, that's the problem with summoning a Berserker, all muscles and no brains! I should've summoned you as an Archer instead!"

"Well," Sayoko stoically said, "lamenting that now won't solve anything. You will always have more chances later. Besides, are you sure you really wanted your blood brother dead? I thought—"

"On second thought," Illya bitterly commented, "servants who do think are just as annoying as those who don't. Look, Sayoko, that boy disappointed me, okay? Hanging around all those dumb, ugly girls, like a two-bit Casanova... Honestly! I should have suspected that much after meeting his slutty girlfriend in London!"

"I'm more worried," the unflappable maid said as Illya entered the warm water in the nude, "you told them of Berserker's identity. Should they find a way to exploit his weaknesses..."

"Which weaknesses?!" the annoyed albino growled, resting in the water, letting her long silver hair float around her. "His complete invincibility? His beyond godly strength? His peerless skill in battle? His numerous appearances in every medium ever? Even if they had years, they still couldn't find a way to damage Berseker. That's not the problem."

"Then what is it?" Sayoko asked.

Illya frowned, staring up at the chamber's ceiling. "What is that to you, Sayoko? Know your place."

"My place is with Master Einzbern," Sayoko formally declared, "and without her, I wouldn't know what to do, or where to go. That is why this is, indeed, my problem, Master Einzbern."

The frown only grew. "You might," she decided, "be even dumber than Berserker."

Sayoko said nothing, but her expression remained just as grimly serious.

Illya sighed, closing her eyes. "I won't die, of course. But, in the event I did, I'd like you to keep on living, Sayoko. Go to the Britannian House, tell them I sent you. I'm sure Lelouch and Nunnally will be glad to take you in, just like with Sella and Leysritt. They'll be glad to have their girlfriend back for threesomes" Sayoko lowered her head.

"Whatever you do, however," Illya cautioned, "never go back to Grandfather. He'd punish you as if my failure— if I ever could have one— were yours."

"I don't feel comfortable discussing impossibilities of this caliber, Master," Sayoko uncomfortably confessed.

"Good. Neither do I."

Sayoko kept on looking at the little girl who was like the only family she had, and despite her cold, unchanging exterior, she could feel a deep, lasting pain burning inside of her.

It kept on raining on the castle in the woods.

* * *

"I see," said Saber-san, long after Negi's explanation (complete with helpful diagrams he had quickly sketched out during his narration. He was no Haruna, but Shirou could see his experience as a teacher had paid off. The boy was a master with a sketchboard— now, if only Shirou could remember where he had been keeping that sketchbaord in the first place) had begun, and even longer after they all had gathered around the Emiyas' rather wide dinner table. For such a loner, Kiritsugu had always been well prepared for large visits, in more than one sense.

"You see," Chisame weakly echoed, pushing her thick glasses back up her nose. She couldn't believe the cold blood this woman had taken the news with, even if she was supposed to be some sort of hardened ancient warrior.

"YOU SEE!-?" Rin heatedly agreed, her eyes spiraling feverishly, her hands slamming on the table's surface. Near her, a vaguely Jim Cummings-esque voice could be faintly heard ranting to itself in dismayed confusion, although only Itoshiki seemed to be noticing it, frowning in puzzlement as if trying to remember something.

"Indeed, and given several of the events around the conclusion of the previous Grail War, it wouldn't surprise me if what you are saying is actually true," Saber stoically said.

"Eh?" Shirou blinked, breaking from his thoughts on the subject of sketchboards. "Saber, you took part in the War ten years ago?"

She nodded.

"Wow!" Shirou said. "And who was your Master then?"

Saber stared coldly at him. "Shirou, in whose tool shed did you happen to summon me, without a catalyst in your hands, and without any conscious effort to do so? I believe that should give you a clue."

Shirou's jaw went slack. "You knew my father?!"

Negi sneezed. "Excuse me," he said, wiping his nose and glad this time he hadn't accidentally set off a stripping spell.

"Oh my God," Chisame ominously said. "We have **another one** now."

"Hey," Negi pouted.

Yuuna scowled. "That better not mean what I think it meant, Chisame."

Haruna chuckled and whispered to Rito, "Well, at least he actually figured it out. I was so sure he wouldn't!"

Rito politely nodded, since there were cases that Honor Amongst Males simply couldn't provide cover for.

"We might talk about that some other day," Saber told Shirou, clearly uncomfortable with the subject. "Aren't you the slightest concerned, instead, about the matter of the Holy Grail itself being corrupted?"

"Um, actually, no," Shirou replied. "After all, I couldn't stop thinking about what Father Kotomine told me, about how I'd want to use the wish from the Grail for my own goals, and it had me worried, if I or anyone else could be trusted with that sort of power." Then he smiled. "But this really takes that concern off my mind! Now, if the Grail's evil, we have no reason to worry about that! After all, no one should wish on it, so all there's left to do is to destroy it! As the saying goes, lets solve this problem by burning it!"

"..." Saber, Rin, Keiichi, Negi, Ayaka, Misa, Madoka, Misora, Satomi and Chisame said.

Tsunetsuki Matoi, on the other hand, simply nodded sagely and said, "Well thought, Emiya-kun. No wonder I fell in DEEP LOVE with you that summer, after watching you almost jumping that bar..."

"Gahhhhh, it's you!" Shirou abruptly pulled back from the table, panicking in recognition of a sight from several years ago. "You were here?!"

"Yes, always," Matoi nodded.

"Hadn't you noticed?" Saber asked her Master. "Well, it matters not. If this truly is no misdirection or trickery, then I shall obliterate the Grail itself with my Noble Phantasm. Should that fail, I cannot think of other force in the world up to the task."

"Awfully sure of yourself, aren'tcha, Cutie?" Haruna observed.

"Haruna-san..." Negi said.

"What's a Noble Phantasm anyway?" Madoka asked.

"Oh, that's right, you weren't there during Kuro-chan's lectures and we haven't had the time to fill you in yet," Makie said. "Well, to be honest I was asleep through most of that explanation myself, and I could used a refresher too. I remember those really cute Chibis, the whole thing about that cursed cup wanting to destroy the world, and about Saber-san here being really skilled at fellatio, but I don't remember anything about Noble Phantoms or Phantasms! Eh heh heh, sorry, it was too much info and I wasn't taking notes!"

Saber broke into a sudden, violent fit of choking while Shirou and the rest of the girls blushed deeply.

"... I still don't know what fellatio is," Negi mumbled.

Makie shrugged. "If it makes you feel any better, Negi-kun, I don't either. Maybe that's why it stuck with me, because it sounds so funny, but... maybe we should look it up on the Internet?"

"NO!" Ayaka, Keiichi, Rito, Rin, the disembodied voice next to Rin, Madoka and Chisame yelled at once.

Shirou, in the meantime, had slowly edged away from the also slowly crumbling, embarassed Saber, but he stopped himself with a start and a yelp when he saw he was moving steadily towards Matoi.

"It's okay, Emiya-kun, I got over my DEEP LOVE for you long ago," Matoi assured him. "Now and forevermore, I shall only love Chisame-sama... well, and a bit of Negi-sama on the side, too," she conceded.

Chisame blinked, then clutched onto Emiya's sleeve. "Sempai. Tell me how you did it. Please!"

"He was oblivious to my needs, overreacted to my displays of affection, treated me as an embarrassment in public, and never understood me," Matoi explained for him. Then she cooed while hugging Chisame. "Nothing like you at all, Chisame-sama!"

"Why me?!" Chisame screamed while Satomi puffed her cheeks up.

Saber, a bit more recovered now, stared at Shirou. "Truly you were a deplorable romantic partner, Shirou. Shame on you."

"She was never my girlfriend!" Shirou said.

"You tell him, Saber-sama!" Matoi said while Chisame tried to peel her off herself. "Never give him fellatio, even if he begs you for it!"

"I have no idea what are you talking about!" the Lion of Camelot roared at her.

"Okay, before this goes any further," Rin said, in no small part to give the poor Saber a break, "there are several things I'd like to ask you."

Negi nodded. "Please ask as much as you want to."

"Okay," Rin sighed, folding her arms on the table. "are you really sure that girl, that 'Kuro' you speak of, actually came from another dimension? Because bringing someone from across the borders between dimensions, while theoretically possible, is only reserved to practitioners of True Magic, who are all but extinct now. Master Zelretch from the Clock Tower might be able to do it, but..."

"True Magic?" Makie blinked.

"What us Magi and you guys use," Rin nodded, twirling a pointer finger in Ala Alba's general direction, "is Magecraft."

"Wizardry," Negi corrected.

"Magecraft."

"Wizardry."

"Magecraft."

"Wizardry."

"Magecraft!"

"Wizardry!"

"I now get why you guys don't seem to have a lot to do with each other," Chisame said.

"No, wait, how is that not True Magic?" Makie protested. "I've seen Negi-kun throwing arrows of light, putting people to sleep with spells, stripping people with sneezes and finding a book that made _me_ smart, and you're saying that's not True Magic?!"

"Technically, it was Chachamaru-san who found the book," Negi said.

"That's all real magic, of course, but it's not True Magic!" Rin argued.

"What are you saying, that makes no sense!" Makie kept on shouting, "Real Magic only can be True, because if it's True it has to be Real and—!"

"Aaaaarrrgh, never mind!" Rin shook her hands up. "I'm not taking the time to educate a neophyte for free when even her own Magister hasn't bothered to!"

Makie pouted. "See, Kuro-chan would have done it! And she'd have done it with cute chibis and funny sound effects!"

Rin sighed, deflating, then chose to keep on addressing Negi instead. "So anyway, about that question..."

Negi nodded. "She and our counterparts did indeed come from a parallel world, Tohsaka-san. And yes, True Magic was indeed involved."

"Of course it would," Makie mumbled, "if it's real magic, then it has to be True, because—"

"Okay, let's go with that," Rin interrupted. "Even so, if you really have been sitting on that information this whole time, why haven't you shared it with our higher-ups, or at least the Church? And I mean more than nun apprentices, no offense intended."

"None taken," an obviously offended Misora said.

"We didn't have any solid evidence, what could we do?" Negi asked. "Even so, we did tell the Elders of the Kanto and Kansai Associations. I'm sure they sent the requisite warnings to the rest of the Associations. Whether they bothered to tell anyone is beyond our power."

Rin hummed. "I never heard anything about that, not even from Kotomine. Well, they still think of me as a child, after all." Pause. "Again, no offense intended."

"None taken," Negi sincerely said.

"Still, it's problematic," Rin pondered, "Kotomine may be... well, not a pleasant person, but he still takes great care to do his job well. For him to forfeit warning Masters of the possibility the Great Grail might be tainted, that's strange from someone as fastidious as him."

"Maybe he didn't really think it could happen?" Shirou shrugged. "If there wasn't any actual proof after all..."

"I suppose you're right," Rin uneasily conceded. "Well, I don't really care if I have to destroy the Grail. I didn't have any wishes to ask from it anyway."

"Oh, come on," Misa said.

"No, no, I mean it!" Rin replied. "It's not like I don't have any dreams or aspirations, but I want to chase after them on my own, not just getting them as freebies from any magical source. I can't even say I'd use it to bring my parents back to life, since it has been said the Grail cannot be used to revive the dead."

"Oh," Misora softly said. "You're an orphan then? Sorry to hear that."

Rin half-smiled. "Thank you. My sister and I have carried on rather well ever since, in any case. As long as I have her and my career, I don't see the need to ask for anything from the Grail."

"Then why did you enter the War in the first place, Tohsaka?" Shirou curiously questioned.

"Eh?" Chisame said. "She's a Master as well?"

"Ahem," Rin rasped, blushing a bit, "yes, I am, but—"

"I can't believe it!" Misa said. "Then why didn't you call on your Servant to help us against that freaky bull-elephant-dinosaur man!? Were you waiting to see how many of us would he flatten before achieving the status of an emergency?!"

"Bull-elephant-dinosaur man?" asked Sakurako and Madoka, blinking.

"My Servant..." Rin slowly said, keeping her gaze low, "Well, I'm sure you'd understand if you saw my Servant..."

"Hey," the disembodied voice grunted.

Yuuna huffed, tapping her fingers on the table. "Then let's see that fabled Servant already."

Rin clenched her teeth and ground them together. "I don't have to show him off if I don't want to..."

"Tohsaka," Saber spoke then, stern and firmly. "As a Servant myself, I find your current behavior deplorable."

Rin blinked at her. "What?!"

"No Master should ever be ashamed of their Servant," Saber told her, turning on the pressure. "For a Servant fights for their Master's life and happiness, and unless the Servant betrays that sacred bond, which Vigilante has not done yet, it's the Master's duty to repay in kind by not reneging from their connection. I can understand keeping your identity as a Master a secret, as well as your Servant's real identity, but once you have been revealed, out of all the reasons to keep your Servant hidden, shame is the most cowardly and dishonorable."

She slammed a gauntlet on her breastplate and added, "I cannot, in a good conscience, share my table with someone who would feel embarrassment over a faithful comrade in arms. Decide, then, if you will keep yourself set in your ways so I can leave, or reconsider your stance so I remain."

An aghast Rin simply stared in silence at the scowling young woman who had lectured her so harshly while Lala blinked and said, "But, this isn't _your_ table anyway...?"

Rin ended up sighing, admitting defeat. "Okay. You're right, Saber, I'm sorry. Vigilante," she clapped once. "Show yourself, please."

A thick cloud of purple smoke manifested itself on the table as a voice spoke, "I am the terror that flaps in the night... I am the Black Key that shows up at your gacha... I am... Servant Vigilante!"

And the smoke burst in all directions, dissipating enough as to show a small figure mysteriously wrapped in a long purple cape and shadowed by a wide brimmed purple hat and mask, under which jutted... an orange duck beak.

There was a silent beat from all those present.

It was Misa who finally broke the silence, talking to Rin. "Okay, Sempai, I take that back. You were right."

Rin nodded at her, even as Vigilante huffed grandly, folding his arms.

Nodoka and Yue tilted their heads, frowning. "Have we met before?" Nodoka said, sounding uncertain. "I feel like I should know you."

"I doubt it," Vigilante said, though he also sounded uncertain. "Have you ever urinated on my mailbox?"

"What?! No, of course not!" Nodoka replied. And glanced at Yue.

"I don't urinate on mailboxes," Yue said indignantly.

"Why isn't she wearing pants?!" a panicky Rito cried, covering his eyes.

Vigilante glared venomously at him. "Who are you calling 'she', dishrag?"

"Well, nothing's sticking out so– "

"Master, can I beat up this idiot?" Vigilante said levelly.

"No fighting, not fighting!" Shirou cried.

Itoshiki began gasping slightly, pointing at Vigilante and weakly starting to blabber, "You! You, you, you are..."

Vigilante shot him a piercing 'complete that sentence and I'll do something far worse than kill you', so Nozomu simply gulped and lamely added, "... a duck."

Makie clasped her hands together. "IT'S SO CUTE! He kinda looks like you, Negi-kun!"

"Servants aren't supposed to be 'cute'!" Rin protested, since she had no way of knowing about the current Temptress, or Nursery Rhyme, or the Prisma Caster. "Listen. Vigilantes, much like Assassins, are supposed to act better in secrecy, moving in the shadows, and Berserker was the worst possible kind of adversary for him. What was I supposed to do? Have my Servant killed in the first actual battle of the War? I'd have brought eternal shame to the name of my family, and I only fight here to honor Father's legacy!"

Shirou reached over and placed a hand on Rin's shoulder. "Suddenly, I feel much closer to you, Tohsaka."

"You go, Tohsaka-san!" Negi said, putting a hand on her other shoulder. "Fight to make your father look good!"

They both smiled at her in a beatific, encouraging way.

"I feel like I've just failed at life somehow," Rin said, leaning away from them.

"I once took down an actual kaiju, you know," Vigilante said. "Don't misjudge me because of my size, right, boy?" he added, reaching over to pat Negi's head.

Negi blinked. "Um, yes, you're right, no one should judge others based on their physical appearance, but... I'm not that strong either, so I don't know if I'd be the best point of comparison..."

"Nonsense, I saw the way you fought back there," Vigilante complimented him in a vaguely aloof 'think nothing of it' sort of way, "and you held your own remarkably well, in that you weren't bashed instantly despite getting closer than anyone but Saber. You'd have done well against a weaker enemy."

Negi chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. "Ah, well, thanks, that's high praise indeed, coming from a Legendary Spirit..."

"Well, I've gotta hand it to you, you got yourself a Spirit whose identity nobody could ever learn, Sempai," Chisame told Rin. "I'm trying to think of famous heroes from myth who were ducks, and only drawing blanks."

Kero shrugged from his vantage point on Nodoka's shoulder. "Must be a legendary figure from Mundus Magicus. The humans of this world know next to nothing about the beastmen from that world, although some lore from it will filter through every now and then. Did you guys know Robin Hood was actually a fox?"

"One of them," Rin cautioned, wagging a finger. "It was a collective identity, a legacy passed from one outlaw to another, and not all of them were decent people. Kind of like 'President of the United States."

They all shuddered in horror

"I'm impressed, I never suspected there'd be so many talking animals," Emiya hummed. "I knew mages turned their criminals into ermines, which I guess is a step up from what magi do to them, but I never imagined there'd be talking ducks, or cats, or plush lions..."

"This is naught but a temporary form," Kero haughtily replied. "Once Nodoka catches all four Elemental Clow Cards, I'll return to my majestic, incredible and powerful awesome true form!"

"Ooooohh, I didn't know that!" Makie said. Then she asked Vigilante, "And how many cards do you need?"

"This is my true form!" the duck protested.

"My court jester was a rabbit," Saber casually supplied. "Resourceful sneaky creature, as well. Defeated the Black Knight and his dragon to retrieve the Singing Sword for us, all on his own, when all of our knights had failed..."

The rest of them stared at her in silence, trying to make sense of what she'd just said. Since none of them could ever imagine the Knights of the Round failing where a rabbit would succeed, her secret was still safe, just as she had expected, and they mostly assumed she was another historical figure from the World of Magic.

"Anyway, Vigilante-san, could you please get off the table already?" Shirou requested of the duck. "Ladies eat there all the time, you know."

Keiichi and Rito shot him an unamused glare over that remark.

Shirou recoiled at the sudden perceived hostility. "Wh-What? I only mean Saber, and Fujimura-sensei, and Sakura, who sometimes comes along to help! What kind of weird ideas are you getting now?!"

"To 'help' with what?" Misa evilly smiled. "Hey, Tohsaka-sempai, that Sakura is your little sister, isn't she? Don't you have anything to say about her spending that time at the house of a young man who lives all alone?"

"... Sakura is old enough already to make her own decisions..." Rin said, voice neutral, seeing the bait and refusing to bite any more than strictly necessary. Vigilante, knowing the realities of the Tohsaka household, heroically held his peace. Sailor Venus, in the meanwhile, chewed on her lower lip tensely, her hand reaching over to grasp Mercury's tightly, making Akira slightly roll her eyes around.

"Okay," Negi said, cutting the teasing before it could get any more distracting, "now that's out of the way and we know of Tohsaka-san and Vigilante-san's nature as Master and Servant, we can fully focus on what's truly important here..."

"Your sister?" Satomi asked him.

"... she couldn't possibly be my sister, although yes, she'll need help to get over that..." Negi patiently answered.

"Your father said– " Chisame began.

"But what I mean," Negi interrupted loudly, "is what are we going to do about this corrupted Holy Grail matter. I trust, Emiya-san, Tohsaka-san, Saber-san, Vigilante-san, you all are willing to reach a truce at least until we can learn what is truly going on here?"

Shirou nodded. "If I could reach a truce with each Master and Servant, that'd be great with me, actually."

 _In a parallel universe where Green Lantern was a ten year old girl, Emiya Shiro, NOT Shirou, sneezed_.

"That'll never happen," Rin sighed, "but yes, I agree it's stupid to fight each other for the sake of a Grail that would only harm us if we get our hands on it. Let's try and get to the bottom of this before deciding on anything else."

 _In a parallel universe where Illya was a Magical Girl, Tohsaka Rin sneezed._

"That is a fair, smart course of action," Saber nodded. "I agree."

"Okay," Vigilante said, "and how do we get to learn that in the first place? The Grail is unattainable until the Heaven's Feel ritual is completed. Until that point, there's literally no way we can analyze or study it, to see if it's tainted or not. So what can we do?"

"Actually," Negi said, "we could try and find evidence from the Grail's prior manifestation site."

Emiya turned his face towards him, startled. Chisame grimaced. "With that place, you mean... Oh, what the hell!" she complained. "You can't be seriously suggesting we get past the barriers and into Fuyuki City!"

"I'd never dream of dragging you guys along," Negi said, "I'm just saying I could head there on my own and easily locate at least—"

"BY THIS POINT, YOU'RE JUST USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON US, AREN'T YOU?!" Chisame accused.

"Should I still be here for this?" Ako asked.

* * *

 **Next: Ghosts of the Future.**

* * *

 **Omake: Shiho's Little Dirty Secret**.

"Your roommate knows!" Shiho told Minako.

"That couldn't be helped," Minako said, "I had to transform in front of her to save her life, and I had no choice..."

"More than half of the people in her class knows!" Shiho accused, pointing at a guilty looking Akira. "Including, as you know, the Manga Gossip Queen herself! And from what I gathered, the Paparazzi Gossip Queen knows about them, how long before she learns about us too?!"

"They're already in the world of magical things, they're used to keeping secrets, the paparazzo hasn't even shown up in God knows how many chapters now, with any luck she'll be forgotten and put on a bus," Minako groaned, waving a hand. "Besides, none of that is Akira-chan's fault. Stop acting guilty, Akira-chan."

"S-Sorry."

"That includes apologizing that way too!" Minako said. "You aren't that 3-F girl!"

Shiho pouted. "Yeah, they've made such a good job at keeping their secrets, too! Oneesama!" she called out for Mana, who quietly sat to the side drinking tea and meditating in her miko robes. "I've been keeping your secret faithfully for years, but this is a secret of MY own! I can tell Yuuichi-Oniichan about it if I want to, can't I?!"

Mana finished her tea and said, "That's for you to decide."

"What?!" Minako, Akira and Artemis cried at once.

"Just let her act on her own," Mana told them. "If you are to be partners, you should trust her better judgment."

"But—!" Minako gasped.

"Oneesama...!" Shiho sniffled, tears springing to her eyes, moved oh so greatly. "So you care after all...!"

* * *

"Oh, Shiho?" Tate Yuuichi blinked, noticing her standing by his locker when he exited his afternoon classes. "What are you doing here? Something wrong?"

"Um, not exactly, Oniichan," his childhood friend told him. "I have, ah, something very important to tell you. Ah, um, eh, well."

"Yes?" he stopped before her. "What is it?"

"Urrr, ehhhh, well yeah, ah, you'll see. Hrm, ahem, eh, it is..."

"... what will I see?"

"Oh, it's nothing, just, ihhhh, it's simple, actually, it's ah, never mind, I mean, uhhh, the thing is..."

* * *

"So, as you can see," Mana said later that afternoon, during the latest meeting of the Sailor Senshi at the Tatsumiya Shrine, "your secret will never be as safe anywhere as it will be with Shiho."

"Ohhhhh..." Akira, Artemis and Minako said, greatly enlightened.

Shiho stopped bashing her forehead on the wooden table for just a moment to angrily yell, "You knew it'd happen this way, didn't you?!"

* * *

 **My Little Ferret: Ventriloquism is Magic.**

After yet another particularly hard day of being hammered in the face by the beautiful girl with the sad eyes, Takamachi Nanoha staggered into her bedroom, teetered on the edge of the bed for a few moments, and then fell flat on her face, burying her features in the pillow.

Miyuki-neechan peeked in a few moments after. "Are you getting into fights again, Nanoha-chan?"

A very un-Nanoha-like grunt was her only reply.

"You know," Miyuki said, sitting next to Nanoha's prone form, petting the ferret who leapt onto her lap as usual, "I know we're all able to fight to one degree or another, even Mom, and I know that is your way of getting your point across to those who are difficult to befriend through mere words otherwise, but that just isn't the way you should be approaching your day to day relationships, Nanoha-chan. Fighting should only be a last resort, or when it's safe, sane and consensual, and done with adequate protection. Don't ever become a fighting maniac! Or else, you could turn into a deranged loner shunned by society!"

"Ah-hah," Nanoha tiredly said without lifting her face.

"Are you actually listening to me, Nanoha-chan?"

"Yes, I am, Oneechan... just like I listen to what Kyouya-niichan and you do every night in the next room."

" …Ahhhh… " Miyuki said.

"Which is certainly very ladylike and proper and sure not to turn either of you into deranged loners shunned by society," Nanoha said, her face still against the pillow. "And probably also very safe, sane and consensual too, with adequate protection."

"Right," Miyuki gulped.

"So I apologize for my bad habits, and instead, I'll go ask Kyouya-niichan if he can teach me how to be a lady just like you. With his help, I'm sure I could—"

"Ah, a-actually, you, you're just fine as you are, Nanoha-chan! N-Never change, please!"

"Okay."

After Miyuki rather hurriedly left, Nanoha blinked awake and pushed herself up the bed, rubbing her still reddened eyes. "Huh? Say, Yuuno-kun, I had the impression Miyuki-neechan was here? Was she —"

The ferret sitting on her nightstand nodded. "Yes, she was. Don't worry, she only came here to see if you were ok."

"Oh," she sighed."Yeah, I can say she's been worried about me lately. Do you think maybe she'll start to look too closely, and—?"

"Oh, no, I don't think she'll be looking into this any further than she already does!" Yuuno said. "Don't worry about that, I'm sure she won't compromise your secrecy! After all, she looks like the type who can appreciate privacy in the family!"

And he smiled, apparently very satisfied. Nanoha wondered exactly why he looked so sure about that.

* * *

 **Extra! Sailor V Says!**

"So, what are we doing here? I thought we had killed, well, **I** had killed our bad guy because everyone else were, no offense, pansies? What, the next weirdo already showed up to threaten the city with a giant cheese grater or something? That was fast!" Sailor Mars said.

"Ahem, no. Now that you're here, I thought we might just as well use the chance to boost our corner of this universe up by doing the 'Sailor V Says' segments again," Sailor Venus explained.

"The what of what now?" Mars asked.

"It used to be, we'd have a little segment at the end of chapters," Sailor Mercury helpfully said, "where we'd address our audience and give them a small piece of moral advice on some topic pertinent to the chapter we'd just covered. I liked that. It proved we could be helpful in ways that wouldn't involve violence."

"... what the hell," Mars said. "That sounds like the most cornball thing ever. You guys were ripping He-Man and Sonic the Hedgehog of all things! Didn't you have any shame?!"

"Well, we have to use any advantage we can latch onto if we want to stay afloat!" Venus said. "In this story, if you don't keep yourself relevant, you'll be quickly pushed aside by the new characters coming out of the woodwork! Do you want us to end up like the cast of Full Metal Panic? Those guys will be lucky if they ever get five more lines of dialogue each!"

"... we have Edward Elric in this thing, seriously?" Mars asked.

"That's Full Metal Alchemist. We won't have that because the author doesn't believe he can write those characters as well and properly as they and their fans deserve," Mercury said while holding a disclaimer saying instead 'Over Master won't ever write Full Metal Alchemist because it doesn't have enough fanservice'.

"Okay," Mars said, conceding defeat. "Well, then. What do you guys know about morality to provide even a bit of advice on that field? You dress like whores, you forced me into this whore dress, you lie to your parents about your dual life, you go out at night to meet mysterious older men in back alleys, you're always taking the law into your own hands, you claim to be superior just because you're royalty from ancient times, which is classist as hell, and I'm sure you don't get enough sleep either..."

Venus made a disgusted face. "Why do you have to phrase it the worst possible way? Anyone can put a negative spin on anything by nitpicking on all the bad things while overlooking the good ones! You sound like OM reviewing the latest UQ Holder, while we should accentuate the positive, in the TV Tropes spirit of—!"

"To heck with that," Shiho waved a hand, "I'll tell you what the real moral for this episode is!" She turned to the camera and wagged a finger. "Good girls don't become Magical Girls!"

"Maaaaars!" Venus cried. "Mercury, help me reason with her!"

"Actually, Sempai," Mercury doubted, "maybe she has a point here...?"

A succession of Magical Girl profiles flashed across the screen accompanied by explanatory text.

 _Takamachi Nanoha- Violence junkie._

 _Sasami Jurai, aka Pretty Sammy- Incest fetish._

 _Illyasviel von Einzbern- Incest fetish, Meido fetish._

 _Star Butterfly- Hyperactive abuser of non-human species._

 _Akemi Homura- Gun nut with possessive-stalker loner tendencies._

 _Marinette Dupain-Cheng, aka Ladybug- Thinks A Cat Is Fine Too._

 _Arcueid Brunestud, aka Phantasmoon- Dates Guy who Thinks A Cat Is Fine Too._

 _Maria Cadenzavna Eve- Witless Plaything of Perverted Mad Scientist._

 _Akazukin Chacha- Bestiality._

 _Fancy Lala- Proponent of child labor._

 _Yuuki Yuna- Disability fetishist._

 _Watanabe Poemi, aka Puni Puni Poemi- DON'T GET US STARTED._

"So there, girls everywhere!" Mars continued, "If you ever run into a dealer of the occult, suspicious looking alien entity, or shady agent of the darkness offering you a Faustian deal, just SAY NO! Or you might end up like the skanks from Day Break Illusion!"

"Oh, really?" Venus scoffed. "Well, then, why don't you hand YOUR powers in? I'm sure Kagurazaka-san would appreciate them! Or even that Hino girl hanging around with the enigmatic European maid!"

"What? And end up like the Full Metal Panic cast?!"

* * *

Somewhere else, Takane D. Goodman, Apostol of Justice, blinked under her black umbrella made of shadow magic. "Wait a minute," she said. "Where are **our** scenes for this chapter?!"

Sakura Mei sighed. "Hopefully next time, Oneesama. Hopefully...!"


End file.
